MUSIC:

THEME (FROM TCHAIKOVSKY'S PIANO CONCERTO NO. 1) ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

The makers of Campbell's Soups present the Campbell Playhouse; Orson Welles, producer.

MUSIC:

THEME FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN OUT

HOST:

Good evening. This is Orson Welles. And our guest tonight is Miss Gertrude Lawrence.

MUSIC:

LIGHT COMICAL TUNE, PLAYED WITH WOODBLOCKS AND TOY TRUMPET ... IN AND BEHIND HOST--

HOST:

Gertrude Lawrence, of "Susan and God" and a couple of other dozen successes in America and in England; Gertrude Lawrence, currently of "Skylark" and tonight in one of the nicest stories ever to come out of Hollywood. Few movies of our time have won such quick success or lasted so long in the minds of those who saw it as the original of tonight's offering, Mr. Frank Capra's notable production for Columbia Pictures Corporation, "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town." But before Mr. Deeds goes to town and we go with him, Mr. Chappell -- Mr. Ernest Chappell -- has an interesting meeting to tell us about. Mr. Chappell?

ANNOUNCER:

Thank you, Orson Welles. It's very quickly told, ladies and gentlemen. Just the other day I was talking with a young woman who is a wife and a mother. In the course of our conversation she said to me--

WOMAN:

You know, Mr. Chappell, I've heard you on the Campbell Playhouse telling us about Campbell's Tomato Soup. And now I'd like to tell you something about Campbell's Tomato Soup.

ANNOUNCER:

And when I invited her to do so, she went on--

WOMAN:

Well, those bright red-and-white cans of Campbell's Tomato Soup you speak about have been on my family's pantry shelves -- my grandmother's, my mother's, and my own -- for, oh, more than twenty years now, all told. And someday, I'm sure, they'll be on my daughter's shelf, too.

ANNOUNCER:

Now, I guess many women listening tonight could tell a similar story. Perhaps you could yourself. Certainly there's something about the bright inviting color, the enticing aroma, the keen delightful flavor, of Campbell's Tomato Soup that wins and holds friends through the generations. And that something, of course, is accounted for -- first, last, and always -- by the tomatoes Campbell's use. The tomatoes and a magic recipe! And here is news. This year's crop of tomatoes was exceptionally fine. So you'll taste what this means now -- in Campbell's Tomato Soup. Have you stocked up lately? And now our Campbell Playhouse presentation of "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town," starring Gertrude Lawrence and Orson Welles.

MUSIC:

THE LIGHT COMICAL TUNE AGAIN ... FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THE ARRANGEMENT BRIEFLY INCLUDES A TUBA ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

CEDAR:

There's a sign, Cobb. This ought to be Mandrake Falls.

COBB:

Hey, look -- it rhymes.

CEDAR:

What rhymes?

COBB:

The sign; it's a poem. (READS)
"Welcome to Mandrake Falls --
Where the scenery enthralls --
Where no evil e'er befalls --
Welcome to Mandrake Falls."

CEDAR:

What do you think?

COBB:

(DRY) I think it's Mandrake Falls.

MUSIC:

LIGHT COMICAL TUNE ... UP, FOR BRIEF TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG

CEDAR:

Does, uh, Mr. Deeds live here?

COBB:

Mr. Longfellow Deeds?

MRS. MEREDITH:

Yes, indeed. Uh, won't you come in?

COBB:

Ah, thank you.

MUSIC:

SEGUES TO DEEDS PLAYING SOLO TUBA, IN BG

CEDAR:

Are you related to Mr. Deeds?

MRS. MEREDITH:

No, I'm his housekeeper.

CEDAR:

I see. Perhaps you can tell us something about him. What does he do for a living?

MRS. MEREDITH:

He owns the tallow works here. But that isn't where he makes his money. He makes most of it out of his poetry.

CEDAR:

His poetry? You mean he wrote all the signs we've seen around this town?

MRS. MEREDITH:

Every one of them. Longfellow's famous around here. He makes a lot of money writing things on postcards. You know -- Christmas, Easter, birthdays. Here's one they paid him twenty-five dollars for.
(READS, ADMIRINGLY)
"When you've nowhere to turn, and you're filled with doubt,
Don't stand midstream, hesitating,
For you know that your mother's heart cries out,
'I'm waiting, my boy, I'm waiting.'"

COBB:

(INCREDULOUS, JOINS HER ABOVE IN READING THE POEM'S FINAL TWO LINES)

CEDAR:

(ALSO INCREDULOUS, JOINS THEM IN READING THE POEM'S FINAL LINE)

MRS. MEREDITH:

Isn't that beautiful?

CEDAR:

(DRY) The very word I was searching for -- beautiful.

MRS. MEREDITH:

(MOVING OFF) Well, I'll tell him you're here.

MUSIC:

TUBA OUT GENTLY BEHIND--

COBB:

(LOW, TO CEDAR) Old Man Semple must have been goofy to leave all his money to this yokel. How much do they figure the estate'll amount to after the taxes are deducted?

CEDAR:

About twenty million.

COBB:

Eh, better be careful how you spring it on him. He's liable to keel over from the shock.

DEEDS:

(APPROACHES) How do you do, gentlemen?

CEDAR:

Oh, are you Longfellow Deeds?

DEEDS:

Yes.

CEDAR:

My name is John Cedar. You may have heard of my law firm in New York -- Cedar, Cedar, Budington and Cedar.

DEEDS:

(QUIETLY AMUSED) I'd like to meet Budington.

CEDAR:

And this is Mr. Cornelius Cobb.

DEEDS:

Won't you sit down, gentlemen?

CEDAR:

He handles our public relations.

COBB:

(STARTLED EXCLAMATION AS HE SITS) Hey, what's this? Cactus?

DEEDS:

It's a new mouthpiece for my tuba. I keep losing 'em all the time. By the way, you gentlemen want to stay for lunch?

CEDAR:

Er, no, no. We're here to ask you a few questions, Mr. Deeds.

COBB:

And I suggest you sit down, too, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

All right.

COBB:

You may feel faint in a minute or two.

CEDAR:

Mr. Deeds, are you the son of Joseph and Mary Deeds?

DEEDS:

Yes.

CEDAR:

Are your parents alive?

DEEDS:

No.

CEDAR:

I wonder if you'd be good enough to tell me exactly how they met their deaths.

DEEDS:

Well, my mother and father froze to death in a storm. They just got through delivering Sarah Perkins' baby in Pine Valley--

COBB:

That checks all right, Mr. Cedar.

DEEDS:

It was a very cold winter.

CEDAR:

Mr. Deeds, does the name of Martin W. Semple mean anything to you?

DEEDS:

Not much. He was an uncle of mine, although I never saw him--

CEDAR:

Well, he passed on.

DEEDS:

Red hair--

CEDAR:

He was killed in a motor accident in Italy.

DEEDS:

He was? Oh, that's too bad. If there's anything I can do--

CEDAR:

Prepare yourself for a great shock, Mr. Deeds.

COBB:

The shock of a lifetime, Mr. Deeds. I wish it was my lifetime.

CEDAR:

Mr. Semple left a great fortune when he died, Mr. Deeds. He left it to you, Mr. Deeds. Deducting taxes, it's somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty million dollars.

DEEDS:

(BEAT) You know, you're silly if you don't stay for lunch. Mrs. Meredith made some fresh orange layer cake and you haven't really eaten fresh orange layer cake until you've tasted Mrs. Meredith's.

CEDAR:

(CLEARS THROAT) Perhaps you didn't hear me, Mr. Deeds. The whole Semple fortune goes to you. Twenty million.

DEEDS:

(UNFAZED) Twenty million dollars? I wonder why he left all that money to me? I don't need it.

COBB:

I made a mistake about who ought to sit down when this news was told.

CEDAR:

You see, Mr. Deeds, the firm of Cedar, Cedar, Budington and Cedar--

DEEDS:

Budington. It's funny, I can't think of a rhyme for Budington.

CEDAR:

Well, er, right now, Mr. Deeds, I think you'd better start packing.

DEEDS:

What for?

CEDAR:

You're coming to New York with us.

DEEDS:

When?

COBB:

Tonight, on the six o'clock train. There are a great many important things you've got to take care of right away.

DEEDS:

You know, I've never been away from Mandrake Falls in my whole life. I-- But I'd like to see Grant's Tomb at that.

COBB:

That's the idea! Come on down to New York and see if you can find a rhyme for it!

MUSIC:

FOR A BRIDGE ... THE TOWN BAND, COMPLETE WITH TUBA AND XYLOPHONE, PLAYS A COMIC MARCH ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

TRAIN STATION CROWD MURMURS, IN BG

CEDAR:

Cobb! Hey, Cobb, would you look at that sign?

COBB:

(READS) "Farewell, Longfellow Deeds, the pride of Mandrake Falls." (DRY) First sign I've seen all day that wasn't in poetry.

CEDAR:

Say, am I going crazy?

COBB:

Why? What is it?

CEDAR:

Why, that - that tuba player in the band! Is it--? (CALLS) Mr. Deeds?!

DEEDS:

(OFF) Yeah, just a minute, Mr. Cedar! Only this is my last chance to play with the band; I kind of felt a little sentimental!

MUSIC:

DURING ABOVE, BAND FINISHES ITS TUNE

CEDAR:

Yes, yes, I understand, but we've got to get on the train.

DEEDS:

(CLOSER) Yeah, I suppose. But the more I think of New York, the more worried I get.

CEDAR:

Well, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Of course, a fortune of your size involves a great responsibility.

DEEDS:

Yes, I know, but--

CEDAR:

But you'll have a great deal of assistance; just don't worry.

DEEDS:

I'm not worried about that.

CEDAR:

No?

DEEDS:

No, I - I was just wondering where they're gonna get another tuba player for the band.

CEDAR:

(INHALES SHARPLY IN DISBELIEF)

MUSIC:

TUBA LAYS DOWN A RHYTHM ... THEN BAND LAUNCHES INTO A LIVELY "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"

SOUND:

CROWD SINGS ALONG BRIEFLY

MUSIC:

TOPS THE CROWD WITH A FAST BRASSY METROPOLITAN RIFF ... FOR A QUICK TRANSITION TO NEW YORK CITY

CEDAR:

Hello, boys.

2ND CEDAR:

Hello, John.

BUDINGTON:

What happened, Cedar?

3RD CEDAR:

What's he like?

CEDAR:

A child, gentlemen. A mere child.

BUDINGTON:

Did you get the--?

CEDAR:

No, Mr. Budington, I didn't get the power of attorney. But I will. And if you'd stop demanding miracles overnight--!

BUDINGTON:

It's not that, John. It's just that we can't afford--

CEDAR:

I know, I know! We can't afford to have the books investigated right now. Seems to me you've said that several thousand times already.

BUDINGTON:

But if they ever fall into anybody else's hands--

CEDAR:

Stop being scared of your own shadow, Jim. It hasn't happened yet, has it?

BUDINGTON:

Goodness me, a half a million dollars! Where are we going to get--?

CEDAR:

(EXPLODES) Will you please stop?! Just relax! Leave everything to me. It was I who got old man Semple to turn everything over to us, wasn't it? Who got the power of attorney from him?! All right, I'll get it again.

BUDINGTON:

I hope so. But suppose he stops to talk to somebody. Suppose somebody tells him--

CEDAR:

Forget it! Nobody's going to get near him. I tell you, we've got nothing to worry about. The boy's a fool!

MUSIC:

TUBA ACCENT ... THEN FAST METROPOLITAN RIFF FOR A TRANSITION

SOUND:

POUNDING ON OFFICE DOOR

MAC:

Come in!

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS BRENDA ENTERS

BRENDA:

Mr. MacIntyre?

MAC:

Sit down, Brenda.

BRENDA:

Did you send for me?

MAC:

I did.

BRENDA:

Well?

MAC:

Three days have gone by and what have you brought in on Longfellow Deeds? Nothing! Nothing but flat dull boring routine drivel!

BRENDA:

I've tried everything, Mr. MacIntyre, but there's a watchdog around called "Corny" Cobb. He's keeping Deeds under lock and key.

MAC:

A cornfed bohunk falls into twenty million dollars and you can't find out anything about him because he's guarded by--?

BRENDA:

Corny Cobb!

MAC:

The reason you're on this paper, sweetheart, is-- With a name like yours and a face like yours--

BRENDA:

It takes time to think how to get around Corny, but I'll get it.

MAC:

Listen, sweetheart, if you get some stuff on this Longfellow Deeds -- personal stuff -- I'll give you your own column.

BRENDA:

Honest?

MAC:

And your picture at the head of it.

BRENDA:

I'll get it! Keep four columns open on page one tomorrow!

MAC:

Ah, that's the way I like to hear you talk. I'll keep the whole front page open. What're ya gonna do?

BRENDA:

Well, if you care to break a rule and read your own paper, you'll find the story in the early edition.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

TAILOR:

(SOLICITOUS) Now then, Mr. Deeds, how does that feel? Comfortable?

DEEDS:

It feels great. No kidding, Mr. Cedar? All these white marks this tailor's putting on my pants -- they really mean something?

CEDAR:

Oh, yes, yes.

DEEDS:

You oughta know, but it's the first time I ever had a suit made on purpose.

TAILOR:

Almost finished, Mr. Deeds.

CEDAR:

While I think of it, Mr. Deeds-- I don't want to press the point, but things are piling up down at the office and if you'd care to give us your power of attorney--

DEEDS:

Say, I don't like the cuffs turned over.

TAILOR:

Whatever you want, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

One cuff turned over and one cuff straight. That would look funny, huh?

TAILOR:

Yes.

CEDAR:

I, er-- I don't think you realize how much petty annoyance a power of attorney would save you. Your uncle never bothered about these trifling business affairs. He traveled most of the time; left everything to us. He enjoyed himself. You should be doing the same thing.

DEEDS:

By the way, where is all this money? In a bank?

CEDAR:

Oh, no, no. There's approximately a million and a half in cash. The rest is in stocks, bonds, real estate, other things. The accountants are working on the books now. Be ready in several weeks.

DEEDS:

Sounds complicated.

CEDAR:

Oh, yes, yes. That's why I suggested your letting us take care of it. I could have the power of attorney drawn up--

DEEDS:

You mean besides being my lawyer, you want to take care of my investments, is that it?

CEDAR:

Yes! You see, that's the kind of extra service a firm like Cedar, Cedar, Budington and Cedar is glad to donate.

DEEDS:

You know, it's a funny thing. I haven't been able to think of a rhyme for Budington yet.

CEDAR:

I wish you'd give that matter some thought, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

Hmm?

CEDAR:

The matter of the power of attorney.

DEEDS:

Oh, yes; I will, Mr. Cedar. I'll give it a lot of thought. A fellow was in here yesterday wanted to handle my affairs for nothing, too. It kind of puzzles me why a lot of people want to do my work for nothing. It isn't natural, so I guess I'll have to think about it some more.

TAILOR:

Will you have four or five buttons on the sleeve, Mr. Deeds?

DEEDS:

I don't know. What about it, Mr. Cedar?

CEDAR:

(SURPRISED, AWKWARD) Oh, well, I-- To tell you the truth, I'm not acquainted myself with--

DEEDS:

You see? When an important matter comes up, you're no more good to me than if I didn't have an advisor. Yeah, I guess I'll have to think the whole thing over.

MUSIC:

TUBA ACCENT AND TRANSITION

DOUGLAS:

Now, from what I understand, gentlemen, he's quite childish. We'll have no difficulty getting him to put up the entire deficit. After all, it's only a matter of a hundred and eighty thousand dollars.

BOARD:

(MURMURS AGREEMENT)

GENT:

I wish he'd come down.

DOUGLAS:

It'll only take a few moments. (CONDESCENDING) We happen to be very fortunate, gentlemen. I have discovered that the young man is sympathetic towards music. He played the tuba in his hometown band. (CHUCKLES)

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

DOUGLAS:

Oh, here he is now.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

DOUGLAS:

Oh, hello, Mr. Deeds. Gentlemen of the board, this is Mr. Deeds.

BOARD:

(MURMURS GREETINGS, INCLUDING "How do you do?" AND "Delighted to meet you.")

DEEDS:

How do you do?

DOUGLAS:

Now, I know you're a busy man, Mr. Deeds, so we'll proceed to business at once.

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS ONCE

DOUGLAS:

The first business before this meeting is the election of the chairman of the board.

LADY:

Uh, as a sentimental gesture toward the best friend opera ever had, the late Mr. Semple, I think it only fair that his nephew, Mr. Longfellow Deeds, be made chairman -- and I herewith nominate him.

GENT:

Second.

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS ONCE

DOUGLAS:

All in favor?

BOARD:

Aye!

DOUGLAS:

Carried. My congratulations, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

I'm chairman? As easy as that?

BOARD:

(MURMURS APPRECIATIVELY)

DOUGLAS:

Oh, you honor us, sir. If you'll sit here, please, in the president's chair--

DEEDS:

Thank you. (PLEASED) The president's chair!

DOUGLAS:

The order of business calls for the secretary's report.

GENT:

I move we dispense with it.

LADY:

Second.

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS ONCE

DOUGLAS:

Moved to dispense with it. The next is the treasurer's report.

LADY:

Move we dispense with it.

GENT:

Second.

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS TWICE

DOUGLAS:

Quite right, quite right. The next business is--

DEEDS:

Wait a minute! What does the chairman do?

DOUGLAS:

(AWKWARD) Oh, he, uh, presides at meetings.

DEEDS:

That's what I thought. Well, if you don't mind, I'm kind of interested in the treasurer's report. I'd like to hear it.

DOUGLAS:

Er, really, Mr. Deeds, I assure you--

DEEDS:

Unless the treasurer didn't bother to come.

TREASURER:

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Oh, yes, Mr. President, I'm here. The treasurer reports a -- (CLEARS THROAT) -- a deficit of one hundred and eighty thousand dollars for the current year.

DEEDS:

You mean you lost one hundred and eighty thousand dollars?

DOUGLAS:

I think I should explain to you, Mr. Deeds, that the opera is not conducted for profit.

DEEDS:

What is it conducted for?

DOUGLAS:

The opera is an artistic institution--

DEEDS:

We own an opera house, don't we?

DOUGLAS:

Yes, we do.

DEEDS:

And give shows?

DOUGLAS:

We provide opera.

DEEDS:

Well, we charge? I mean, we sell tickets?

DOUGLAS:

Of course.

DEEDS:

And it doesn't pay?

DOUGLAS:

Well, that would be imposs-- Why, the opera never pays!

DEEDS:

In that case, we must give the wrong kind of shows, I guess.

DOUGLAS:

Well--

DEEDS:

Incidentally, where's the hundred and eighty thousand coming from?

BOARD:

(MURMURS UNCOMFORTABLY)

DOUGLAS:

Well, frankly, we - we were expecting it to come from you, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

Me?

LADY:

Naturally.

BOARD:

(MURMURS AGREEMENT)

DOUGLAS:

It's your civic duty to keep the opera alive for the people.

DEEDS:

I don't see the point of keeping opera alive for people who don't seem to want opera.

DOUGLAS:

Mr. Deeds, the opera--

DEEDS:

No, ladies and gentlemen. I'm afraid you'll have to get it from someplace else. Goodbye until the next meeting. (BRIGHTLY, GENUINELY) And thank you for making me chairman.

MUSIC:

OPERATIC ACCENT ENDING WITH TUBA ... THEN TRANSITION ... THEN JAZZ BAND PLAYS A MID-TEMPO POP BALLAD, IN BG

SOUND:

CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND

DEEDS:

(MUSES, TO HIMSELF) Budington. Budington. Budington, Budington-- Hey! What's the matter, lady?!

BRENDA:

(FEIGNS WEAKNESS) Nothing. Nothing. I'm all right.

DEEDS:

You fainted -- right on my doorstep. My front doorstep--

BRENDA:

Did I? I'm sorry.

DEEDS:

Can I help you?

BRENDA:

No. No, thank you. I'm all right; really I am.

DEEDS:

This is my house. If you want to come inside here and rest, I'd be very--

BRENDA:

No, no, no. I'll be all right.

DEEDS:

Say, what's happened?

BRENDA:

I guess I walked too much. Been looking for a job all day. Found one, too. I start tomorrow. Thanks for helping me up. Goodbye.

DEEDS:

Goodbye.

BRENDA:

(PRETENDS TO SWOON) Ohhh--

DEEDS:

Hey! (CATCHES HER) Hey--

BRENDA:

I'm sorry. I guess I'm weaker than I thought.

DEEDS:

Have you had dinner?

BRENDA:

Dinner? (UNCONVINCINGLY) Why, isn't that funny? I - I forgot to eat.

DEEDS:

Forgot?

BRENDA:

Yeah, I do that lots of times. I just get to thinking about something--

DEEDS:

You're not fooling me. You haven't got any money, have you?

BRENDA:

(BEAT) Frankly, no.

DEEDS:

Well, then -- you're gonna eat with me. Maybe you can help me. I don't know where to go.

BRENDA:

I couldn't let you pay for--

DEEDS:

I'd like one of those places where all the famous people go. I - I'd like to see some of them.

BRENDA:

Well, according to the columnists, they mostly eat at La Malacca.

DEEDS:

La Malacca? You know where that is?

BRENDA:

Mm hm. It's on Fifty-Second Street.

DEEDS:

Fifty-Second Street. (CALLS) Taxi! (TO BRENDA) The La Malacca it is.

MUSIC:

FADES IN DURING ABOVE ... UP, FOR TRANSITION ... FAUX EXOTIC FOR THE LA MALACCA ... THEN IN BG--

SOUND:

RESTAURANT BACKGROUND (DINERS MURMUR, ET CETERA)

BRENDA:

You don't know how good this food tastes. I don't know how to thank you, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

I wish you'd let me help you some, Miss Dawson.

BRENDA:

Oh, please -- I asked you not to talk about it.

DEEDS:

Sorry. You're the first person I've met in New York who didn't want something. (CALLS) Waiter?!

WAITER:

(APPROACHES) Oh, oui, monsieur?

DEEDS:

Anybody come in yet, waiter?

WAITER:

Anybody? Why-- Oh. Nobody important.

DEEDS:

You'll be sure and point 'em out, won't you?

WAITER:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, oui, monsieur. Indeed, monsieur.

DEEDS:

(TO BRENDA) I'm a writer myself, you know. I write poetry. Would you like to hear one of my poems?

BRENDA:

I certainly would.

SOUND:

UNFOLDS PAPER

DEEDS:

Here's one I-- A lot of people like this poem.

BRENDA:

(READS, WITH INTEREST)
"When you've nowhere to turn, and you're filled with doubt,
Don't stand midstream, hesitating,
For you know that your mother's heart cries out,
'I'm waiting, my boy, I'm waiting.'"

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

MUSIC:

FADES IN WITH SCENE ... LIGHT AND DRY, IN BG

BRENDA:

(READS, AMUSED) "For you know that your mother's heart cries out,
'I'm waiting, my boy, I'm waiting.'"

MAC:

Brenda, is that really true?

BRENDA:

Cross my heart.

MAC:

Let's hear your story.

BRENDA:

(READS) "The season's most intriguing debut was made last night on the chic East Side by one Mr. Longfellow Deeds, the multimillionaire postcard poet from Mandrake Falls. You heard me -- Mandrake Falls. After wrecking the routine of the Stork Club by stubbornly refusing to surrender his hat, coat, and tuba, at the checkroom along about two A. M., our hero ruffled the fine feathers of the few remaining patrons in the Twenty-One Club when he and Charles McCarney, famed Hollywood scripter, settled a major poetic controversy on the barroom floor, and before the debris in his wake could be cleared away, the Cinderella Man, New England's latest gift to the gaiety of our town, was back in his barouche and well on his way to Central Park for a breath of fresh air and a brisk swim in the seal pool."

MUSIC:

OUT GENTLY BEHIND--

MAC:

Cinderella Man! That's sensational, Brenda! Extremely sensational! Is he really that big a sap?

BRENDA:

Yes, Mac, he is the original and there are no carbon copies.

MAC:

That story's a work of art. It'll be in all the schoolbooks! For a society girl, sweetheart, you sure can write.

BRENDA:

Thanks.

MAC:

Here's the part I like. (READS) "As dawn rose over Times Square, Mr. Deeds was glimpsed feeding a bagful of doughnuts to a horse. When asked why he was doing it, our hero replied: 'I just wanted to see how many doughnuts this horse could eat before he asked for a cup of coffee.'" (LAUGHS, READS IT AGAIN WITH RELISH) "When asked why he was doing it--"

BRENDA:

(INTERRUPTS) Am I supposed to see him again?

MAC:

You certainly are. When can you make it?

BRENDA:

Mm, tonight, maybe. I'm supposed to phone him at noon on my lunch hour. And in case Cobb starts snooping around, I've moved into Mabel Dawson's apartment. That's a girl I was at school with. I'm a stenographer now, you know. And my name's Mary Dawson.

MUSIC:

BRIEF TRANSITION

COBB:

Come on, Deeds!

DEEDS:

(WAKES) Hm?

COBB:

Deeds, get up, it's late!

DEEDS:

(YAWNS)

COBB:

What in the world happened to you last night? Look at this stuff in the papers! What did you do?

DEEDS:

I don't remember most of it. What do they mean calling me "Cinderella Man"?

COBB:

You've got brains, friend. You'll get along fine. Just stop punching people in the nose and feeding doughnuts to a horse.

DEEDS:

Say, has Miss Dawson called yet?

COBB:

Miss Dawson? No. No Miss Dawson called.

DEEDS:

I have to phone her and apologize for not taking her home. Give me my pants.

COBB:

They aren't here.

DEEDS:

Give me my pants. I wrote her phone number down on my--

COBB:

Listen, Deeds, you have no pants! You came home without 'em!

DEEDS:

I did what?!

COBB:

Matter of fact, you came home without any clothes on at all. You were in your - shorts.

DEEDS:

That's silly. You know I couldn't walk around the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.

COBB:

That's what the two policemen said.

DEEDS:

What two policemen?

COBB:

The ones that brought you home. They said you and another man kept walking up and down the street shouting, "Back to nature! Clothes are a blight on civilization! Back to nature!"

DEEDS:

I don't remember that. I don't remember that at all! I tell you what I do remember, though, about last night. I remember finding a rhyme for Budington.

COBB:

Oh, yes? Well--

DEEDS:

How's this? (RECITES, AWKWARDLY AS HE REALIZES IT DOESN'T RHYME) "Bye, Baby Budington, / Daddy's gone a-hunting-ton / To get a little rabbit's skin / To wrap his Baby Budington in."

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... SORT OF A DRUNKEN HUNTING HORN MELODY THAT ENDS WITH A COMICAL ACCENT FROM THE ORCHESTRA ... THEN SOMETHING WRY AND MODERATELY SLOW, IN BG

DEEDS:

(WARMLY) You know, Miss Dawson, it's very nice of you to show me around like this.

BRENDA:

Oh, I enjoy it.

DEEDS:

The aquarium was swell. You know, if I lived in New York, I'd go to the aquarium every day. I bet you do.

BRENDA:

Well, not as much as I'd like to. Tell me, have you got any news? I mean, anything exciting happen lately?

DEEDS:

Sure. I met you.

BRENDA:

No, silly. I mean, what did you do about the opera?

DEEDS:

Oh, the opera-- I had another meeting with the opera. You look awful pretty tonight, you know.

BRENDA:

What did they say?

DEEDS:

Said I was crazy. Said I wanted to run it like a grocery store.

BRENDA:

What are they going to do?

DEEDS:

Do you always wear your hair back like that?

BRENDA:

I wish you'd be serious.

DEEDS:

I am. I think your hair is probably the most--

BRENDA:

There's Grant's Tomb! (BEAT) I hope you're not disappointed.

DEEDS:

Oh, no. It's wonderful.

BRENDA:

Well, to most people, it's an awful letdown.

DEEDS:

Depends on what they see.

BRENDA:

Well, what do you see?

DEEDS:

I see a small Ohio farm boy becoming a great soldier. I see thousands of marching men. I see General Lee with a broken heart, surrendering. I see the beginning of a new nation, like Abraham Lincoln said. I see that little Ohio boy being inaugurated as President. (A CHUCKLE, INHALES) Things like that can only happen in a country like America.

MUSIC:

OUT GENTLY

BRENDA:

(MOVED) You sure can say funny things.

DEEDS:

It's not hard. You just gotta remember whenever you look at anything that-- Well, that most people are on the level -- you know, simple -- and then you see that the simple things really count. That's what you think, isn't it? I mean, that most people are on the level, and everything?

BRENDA:

(ASTONISHED, THEN RECOVERS) Oh, sure. Sure!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

You are listening to the Campbell Playhouse production of "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town," starring Gertrude Lawrence and Orson Welles. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MUSIC:

UP, TO FILL PAUSE FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

This is Ernest Chappell, ladies and gentlemen, welcoming you back to the Campbell Playhouse. In just a moment now, we shall resume our presentation of "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town." You know, because soup is a natural concern of mine, I've been interested in my reading to notice how often in one way or another a mention of soup occurs in the writings of the great men. For instance, about two hundred years ago, one of the wisest men of all time, the immortal French philosopher Voltaire wrote this about soup. He said, "The best written book is a recipe for soup." Now, in view of Voltaire's statement, it seems to me very interesting also that at the Campbell's kitchens today there is a great book which bears the simple title of "The Number One Book," and written down between its covers are the recipes of every one of Campbell's Soups. Each is essentially, and at base, a home recipe -- but a recipe constantly improved through all the years during which, in Campbell's kitchens, every day has been "soup-making day." Campbell's "Number One Book" is, I should think, a book that the great Voltaire himself would have approved of with enthusiasm. And certainly it's a book so approved by all those good home cooks in this country who have turned their soup-making over to Campbell's. Are you among them? And if not, won't you give these fine-flavored, wholesome soups of Campbell's a trial? And now we resume our Campbell Playhouse presentation of "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town," starring Orson Welles and Gertrude Lawrence.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, FADE IN BABBLE OF VOICES, WHICH FALLS SILENT BEHIND--

CEDAR:

Please, gentlemen! Please! Please! Now, if you'll kindly stop criticizing and make a few constructive suggestions.

BUDINGTON:

But, John, you said that you'd have--!

CEDAR:

Yes, yes! I know a week's gone by and we still haven't got that power of attorney out of Mr. Deeds.

2ND CEDAR:

Well, it's ridiculous to have to worry about a boy like that! Look at these articles about him! He's carrying on like an idiot!

BUDINGTON:

Why, that's just what I was saying to my wife. I--

CEDAR:

(EXPLODES) Budington! Who cares what you were saying to your wife?!

BUDINGTON:

Well--

CEDAR:

All I can say is, unless somebody in this place gets a brilliant idea pretty soon, the firm of Cedar, Cedar, Budington and Cedar is in trouble!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... BRISK, THEN SLOWS TO A STOP

SOUND:

OVERLAPS WITH MUSIC ... TYPEWRITER, ALSO BRISK AND SLOWS TO A STOP ... SILENCE

MABEL:

(BEAT, WRY AND KNOWING) Seems to me like that's the first time that typewriter's been silent since you met that, uh-- What's his name? The Cinderella Man?

BRENDA:

(IRRITATED, TROUBLED) Oh, stop it, Mabel. You know his name. Longfellow--

MABEL:

Longfellow Deeds. I was only quoting you, darling.

BRENDA:

Well, stop quoting me.

MABEL:

What's the matter with you, Brenda?

BRENDA:

Nothing. I - I'm just nervous, I guess.

MABEL:

Say, where did you and the Deeds guy go yesterday? To the zoo?

BRENDA:

No, we just sat in the park and talked. Then a fire engine came along and he hopped it.

MABEL:

Quite a clown, isn't he?

BRENDA:

He wasn't clowning! He's interested in fire engines. He's going to buy one for his home town.

MABEL:

Charming story. Is that the one you've been working on?

BRENDA:

(MISERABLE) Yes.

MABEL:

Why don't you finish it?

BRENDA:

I can't write it! I don't know what's the matter with me!

MABEL:

I have an unfailing instinct about such things and I think I can tell ya.

BRENDA:

Mabel, that man is either the dumbest, the stupidest, the most imbecilic idiot in the world -- or he's the grandest thing alive. I - I - I can't make him out.

MABEL:

Uh huh.

BRENDA:

I'm crucifying him. Why?

MABEL:

I don't know. You wanted to be a successful newspaper woman, didn't you? Well, you've done it. "Last year's glamour girl makes good."

BRENDA:

Yeah, then what?

MABEL:

Search me. Ask the Gypsies.

BRENDA:

We think we're wise and sophisticated -- you and I and the people we go about with. I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe we're the ones who are crazy!

MABEL:

That's an idea.

BRENDA:

Here's a guy that's wholesome and fresh, and he looks like a freak. You know what he told me yesterday? He said he'd been walking along looking at the tall buildings. He decided they created a lot of grand palaces here, but they forgot to create the noblemen to put in them.

MABEL:

He's balmy.

BRENDA:

Is he? I thought so, at first. Now I try to laugh at him and it sticks in my throat.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

MABEL:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? ---- Wait a minute. (TO BRENDA) It's the paper; MacIntyre. He wants to know where is your Deeds story for today.

BRENDA:

Tell him to keep his shirt on.

MABEL:

(INTO PHONE) Keep your shirt on.

BRENDA:

He'll get it.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... LIKE PULLING TEETH, THEN SLOWS TO A STOP

SOUND:

TYPEWRITER KLACKS, THEN ALSO SLOWS TO A STOP ... THEN TYPEWRITER BELL RINGS FOR PUNCTUATION

BRENDA:

(WEARILY) Whew! Well, that's that.

MABEL:

Let me see that!

SOUND:

PAGE YANKED FROM TYPEWRITER

BRENDA:

Mabel, don't!

MABEL:

(READS, ACIDLY) "Never a dull moment with the Cinderella Man. When Hook and Ladder Company Number Sixteen arrived at the three-alarm blaze downtown in the middle of last night, guess who they found had driven them there? That's right! Longfellow Deeds, the postcard poet, who last night added fire fighting, ferry piloting, orchestra conducting, and subway switching to his already considerable repertoire. Tonight, he attends his own reception for the higher-ups in opera circles. It's not expected that--"

BRENDA:

Oh, stop it, stop it.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS ... CONTINUES INSISTENTLY IN BG

BRENDA:

I don't want to see anybody. I've got to get this off, and then I'm going to pack.

MABEL:

Pack?

BRENDA:

Yes, I'm leaving town. I'm going--

MABEL:

To Long Island?

BRENDA:

Yes, home! I'm quitting!

MABEL:

I don't know what good you think it's going to do if you run away.

BRENDA:

Well, what else can I do? He's bound to find out sometime. I can't keep this up any longer.

SOUND:

THE FINAL DOORBELL RING

BRENDA:

Ah, it's probably the photographers. (MOVING OFF) Tell them I'm not seeing Deeds tonight and to go away!

MABEL:

Okay.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

DEEDS:

Is Mary Dawson here? My name is Longfellow Deeds.

MABEL:

(SURPRISED, AWKWARD AT FIRST, THEN RECOVERS) Oh. Oh, yes, of course. Mr. Longfellow Deeds. Come on in!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--

DEEDS:

You're Mabel, her sister, aren't you?

MABEL:

Huh? Oh. Yes. Yes, yes -- her sister.

DEEDS:

She told me a whole lot about you, Mabel.

MABEL:

Thank you. She's told me a whole lot about you, too -- Longfellow.

DEEDS:

Hello, Mary.

BRENDA:

(GLUM) Hello.

DEEDS:

I waited in the park over an hour. I thought maybe you'd forgotten.

BRENDA:

I didn't think you could get away, with your party and everything.

DEEDS:

Oh, I wouldn't let them stop me from seeing you, Mary. I threw 'em out.

BRENDA:

Threw them out?

DEEDS:

Yeah.

BRENDA:

You mean bodily? The whole party?

DEEDS:

Yeah, they got on my nerves, so I threw 'em out. I guess that'll be in the papers tomorrow; something else for people to laugh at. I don't mind, though; I had too much fun doing it.

BRENDA:

Shall we go for a walk?

DEEDS:

Sure, if you'd like to.

BRENDA:

(MOVING OFF) I'll just put my hat on.

MABEL:

Excuse me--

DEEDS:

Oh, we're just leaving. I-- It ought to be a nice night to go out on the lake in the park, don't you think?

MABEL:

Any night's a nice night to go out on the lake in the park.

BRENDA:

(RETURNS) I'm ready.

DEEDS:

You look beautiful. (TO MABEL) You know, she looks better every time I see her.

BRENDA:

(EMBARRASSED, QUIETLY) Thank you.

DEEDS:

(TO MABEL) Well, good night and, uh, don't worry about Mary; I won't keep her out late.

MABEL:

(WHATEVER) Oh, uh-- All right. (CHEERFUL) Good night.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... GENTLE MELODY ... FOR A NICE NIGHT IN THE PARK ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

SLOSH OF WATER

DEEDS:

You know, I once had an idea I could do something with the money -- you know, some good. But I haven't had a chance to figure anything out, I've been so busy here. I guess I'll think of something when I get home.

BRENDA:

You're going home?

DEEDS:

Well, a man ought to know where he belongs. I just don't seem to fit in around here. (BEAT) Mary?

BRENDA:

Yes?

DEEDS:

I was thinking, I wish you could come to Mandrake Falls sometime.

BRENDA:

The sky is suitable, isn't it?

DEEDS:

Yeah. You know, within a couple of miles of my house you can find nearly every kind of tree and bush and flower in the world. I used to spend hours in the woods just hiking around; it was wonderful. I'd generally take a girl with me--

BRENDA:

(SURPRISED) A girl?

DEEDS:

Oh, not a real one. I'd just make one up -- just to have somebody to talk to. She was - beautiful, too. I always knew that someday I'd meet her. Mary? Remember I told you I was writing a poem? Well-- Brought it with me; it's finished.

MUSIC:

DURING ABOVE, GENTLY OUT

SOUND:

UNFOLDS PAPER

DEEDS:

Here.

BRENDA:

Thank you.

DEEDS:

Would you like to read it? It's - to you.

BRENDA:

Yes, of course.

DEEDS:

Can you see to read it?

BRENDA:

Yes. (READS, INCREASINGLY EMOTIONAL)
"I tramped the earth with hopeless beat,
Searching in vain for a glimpse of you.
Then heaven thrust you at my very feet,
A lovely angel -- too lovely to woo.
My dream has been answered, but my life's just as bleak,
I'm handcuffed and speechless in your presence divine --
For my heart longs to cry out, if it only would speak,
'I love you, my angel -- be mine, be mine.'"

DEEDS:

You don't have to say anything now, Mary. I - I'll wait to hear from you tomorrow.

BRENDA:

(DEEPLY MOVED) It's wonderful. You'll hear from me about it - tomorrow.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ROMANTIC, BUT WITH A SAD TUBA

BRENDA:

(TENSE) Mr. MacIntyre?

MAC:

(ABSENTLY) Yes, Brenda?

BRENDA:

Mr. MacIntyre!

MAC:

What's botherin' ya, Brenda?

BRENDA:

Mr. MacIntyre, last night he proposed to me.

MAC:

Proposed to--? You mean Longfellow Deeds asked you to marry him?!

BRENDA:

Yes.

MAC:

(IMAGINES HEADLINE) "Cinderella Man Woos Mystery Girl"! (PLEASED) Why, sweetheart, that's very terrific!

BRENDA:

(EXPLODES) If you print one word of that, I'll blow this whole place up!

MAC:

Sorry. I was just carried away by the idea. You set out to make him the screwball of the century and he makes--

BRENDA:

(BITTERLY) Yeah. Funny, isn't it?

MAC:

Hey, you haven't gone and fallen for that mug? (NO ANSWER, INTERESTED) What're you gonna do?

BRENDA:

Tell him the truth.

MAC:

Tell him you're Brenda Bennett, the society columnist who - who made a stooge out of him?

BRENDA:

Yes. He'll probably kick me down the stairs. I hope he does.

MAC:

Ah, you can disappear, can't you? You - you needn't ever see him again.

BRENDA:

No, I know I needn't, but--

MAC:

Of course, you know how you feel about him. If you think it's better to take a chance on telling him--

BRENDA:

I do. I'm having lunch with him today. I'll tell him then. Well, I'll go and clean out my desk. It was nice here while it lasted, Mr. MacIntyre.

SOUND:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

COBB:

Well, Mr. Deeds, it's just as I suspected.

DEEDS:

What is it, Cobb?

COBB:

You certainly made a sucker out of yourself.

DEEDS:

Remind me to find a rhyme for sourpuss, will you?

COBB:

I finally had sense enough to have you followed last night. "Mary Dawson," huh? "Mary Dawson," my eye!

DEEDS:

What about Mary Dawson?

COBB:

That dame took you for a sleigh ride that New York will laugh about for twenty years! She's the slickest, double-crossing, two-timing--

DEEDS:

What?!

COBB:

All right, go ahead and hit me. But first, look at this picture in "Town and Country."

DEEDS:

(READS) "Brenda Bennett, lovely young daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Ogden Randolph Bryan Bennett of Broadfields, Westbury, Long Island, last year's most popular debutante who is disappointing this winter's handsome stag line in favor of a reporter's desk on the New York Evening Mail--"

COBB:

She's a reporter on the Evening Mail! Every time you opened your kisser you were giving her another story! That's the dame that stuck that moniker on you, too -- "Cinderella Man"! You've been making love to a double dose of cyanide!

DEEDS:

Shut up. (BEAT) Get me the newspaper on the phone.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED

DEEDS:

(BEAT, INTO PHONE, SOBERLY) Hello, Evening Mail? -- I want to talk to Miss Bennett.

MUSIC:

SWEETLY MELANCHOLY ... IN AND THEN IN BG

DEEDS:

(AFTER A PAUSE, INTO PHONE) Oh, hello. Mary, I-- Mary, are you the one who's been writing those articles about me? ---- No, that's all right; I just wanted to know for sure. ---- Forget it, I-- Don't bother about lunch. I-- Somehow I don't feel very hungry today.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR A BRIEF MELANCHOLY TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG

COBB:

Do you want them to pack your dress clothes, too?

DEEDS:

No. What in the world would I do with a monkey suit in Mandrake Falls?

COBB:

Okay.

MUSIC:

GENTLY OUT BEHIND--

FARMER:

(OFF, ANGRY AND UPSET) Ah, let me go! I wanna see him! I wanna see that guy!

COBB:

Get out of here!

FARMER:

(OFF, SEES DEEDS) Ah! There you are!

DEEDS:

Who are you?

FARMER:

(CLOSER) I just want to see what a man looks like that can spend thousands of dollars on a party when people are starving all around him! "Cinderella Man," huh? You know how many families you could have fed with the money you've paid out to get on the front pages?

DEEDS:

What do you want?

FARMER:

Sure, go ahead and close up the opera! It's not makin' enough money for ya! It'll throw five hundred men out of jobs, but what do you care?! Twenty million isn't enough! I'd like to melt it all and pour it down your throat!

COBB:

Shall I send for the police?

FARMER:

No, you don't! Stick 'em up!

DEEDS:

(BEAT) What do you want?

FARMER:

A chance to feed the wife and kids! I'm a farmer. A job! That's what I want!

DEEDS:

(BITTERLY) A farmer! You're a moocher, that's what you are. I wouldn't believe you or anybody else on a stack of bibles. You're a moocher like the rest of 'em around here.

FARMER:

(INCREASINGLY HYSTERICAL) Sure -- everybody's a moocher to you. A hungry dog eating out of a garbage can'd be a moocher to you. See what good your money's gonna be when you're pushing up daisies. You never thought of that, did you? You never thought about all the people that are starving! (VOICE BREAKS, FALTERS) They're moochers to you; all those people that are standing in bread lines, not able to feed their wives and kids. (BEAT, SNAPS OUT OF IT, EMBARRASSED, HALTINGLY) I - I'm sorry. You get all kinds of crazy ideas. Lost my farm. Haven't had enough money to feed the kids. I didn't realize-- You can do anything you want with me, mister.

DEEDS:

(NO LONGER BITTER) Well, sir, first off, I think you should have lunch -- with me. Then we'll have a little talk about the situation.

MUSIC:

ACCENT ... FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

EDWIN C. HILL:

(OVER-THE-TOP NEWSCASTER, FADES IN) --not till just before the open in spring! But the real news of the day is to be found on the home front! It comes from the Park Avenue mansion of Mr. Longfellow Deeds! Now, when a rich man gives away money, it's always a matter of some interest to whom and for what purpose he gives it! But when a young man of twenty-five announces that he's giving away his entire fortune of twenty million dollars, that is -- in every sense of the word -- news! And what part of the population is it that is fortunate enough to benefit from this young man's capricious generosity?! It's that much-neglected, much-suffering individual, the American farmer! Twenty million dollars is being placed in a fund to acquire land, cattle, and equipment to be given on terms accessible to the poorest farmer of this country! And all that this philanthropist requires of each farmer is evidence showing that he understands farming and that at such time in the future as he is able-- (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

BUDINGTON:

Mr. Cedar! Mr. Cedar, please!

CEDAR:

Mr. Budington, please!

BUDINGTON:

Please!

CEDAR:

Please! Now, boys, you will all be delighted to know that I've completed our arrangements for dealing with our friend, Mr. Longfellow Deeds.

SOUND:

BUDINGTON AND THE CEDARS MURMUR EAGERLY

CEDAR:

I found a distant cousin of his who's just signed a charming agreement with Cedar, Cedar, Budington and Cedar. So all we have to do now is get this Deeds yokel out of the way--

SOUND:

BUDINGTON AND THE CEDARS MURMUR AGREEABLY

CEDAR:

--and we're all set to go! Now, there's just one other thing to be taken care of, Budington.

BUDINGTON:

Huh?

CEDAR:

Find out who wrote those articles about Deeds in the paper--

BUDINGTON:

Yes?

CEDAR:

--and, whoever it is, have him subpoenaed right away!

BUDINGTON:

Oh.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

SOUND:

HUGE CROWD OF MURMURING FARMERS, IN BG

DEEDS:

All right, sir. Step over to that desk for further instructions.

2ND FARMER:

(RELIEVED) Thank you, Mr. Deeds. Thank you very much.

DEEDS:

(CALLS) Next, please! (LOW) Cobb, how many does that make?

COBB:

Eight hundred and nineteen.

DEEDS:

Is that all? It's going very slow. We need a thousand more. (CALLS) All right, next! Step up to the desk, please!

SOUTHERNER:

How do you do, suh?

DEEDS:

What's your name?

SOUTHERNER:

Ernest Byfield, suh.

DEEDS:

Where's your farm, Mr. Byfield?

SOUTHERNER:

South Carolina, suh.

DEEDS:

What do you grow?

SOUTHERNER:

Cotton and tobaccah.

COBB:

What about knocking off for lunch, Deeds?

DEEDS:

I've got to get this business over with in a hurry; I want to get back to Mandrake Falls. (TO SOUTHERNER) What price do you get on those trucks, Mr. Byfield?

COBB:

Oh, come on. Do you want to keel over? You haven't been out of the house in two weeks.

DEEDS:

Maybe I'll have a sandwich. (TO SOUTHERNER) Mind waiting a few minutes, please?

SOUTHERNER:

Well, sure, sure, suh. If you'd like a sandwich, I'll give you one.

DEEDS:

(ACCEPTS THE SANDWICH) Never mind about me, Cobb, but order lunch for all the applicants.

COBB:

For all of them? Why, there must be two thousand men out there.

DEEDS:

That doesn't make 'em any less hungry.

COBB:

Okay, Santa Claus. Two thousand lunches.

SOUND:

SCUFFLE AND COMMOTION AS DEPUTIES PUSH THROUGH CROWD

COBB:

All right. What's going on here? What do you want?

DEPUTY:

Out of the way! You Longfellow Deeds?

DEEDS:

Yes.

DEPUTY:

Sheriff's office. We've got a warrant to take you into custody.

DEEDS:

What do you--? What do you mean, "into custody"?

DEPUTY:

A warrant for your arrest. You'll have to come with us.

COBB:

What's up? What is this?

DEPUTY:

I don't know nothin', buddy. All I know is the sheriff give me an insanity warrant to execute. You're supposed to come with us to the County Hospital until the hearing.

COBB:

Insanity?! Who's says he's insane?

DEPUTY:

You tell him what it says, Charlie.

CHARLIE:

Well, the complainant is a relative of the late Martin Semple. The charges are that Mr. Deeds is insane -- incapable of handling the estate.

COBB:

Well, wait a minute! We want to get a lawyer. (TO DEEDS) I'll call Cedar.

CHARLIE:

Call Cedar?! Why, as a matter of fact, Mr. Deeds, I'm from Mr. Cedar's office. He represents the complainant.

COBB:

He what?!

CHARLIE:

Mr. Cedar's the one that lodged the complaint against you.

COBB:

Your own lawyer!

DEEDS:

(BITTERLY IRONIC) That's great. That makes everything complete.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, FOR NEWSIE MONTAGE (NEWSIES OVERLAP ONE ANOTHER CHAOTICALLY):

1ST NEWSIE:

Extry! Deeds trial opens! Extry! Extry! Extry!

2ND NEWSIE:

Deeds sanity hearing begins today! Farmers roused!

3RD NEWSIE:

Police surround court as Deeds hearing begins!

1ST NEWSIE:

Longfellow Deeds hearing begins today! Extry!

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT WITH--

MUSIC:

FADES OUT

COBB:

(FADES IN) Hey, listen, Deeds. Cedar just sent for me; wants to make a settlement. What do you say?

DEEDS:

I'm not interested.

COBB:

What are you gonna do? Just sit back and let them railroad ya? It's as pretty a frame-up as ever hit this town! If you'd only let me get you a lawyer.

DEEDS:

Oh, no, don't bother.

COBB:

Oh, you can't walk into that hearing without being ready to protect yourself in the clinches. Cedar's too smart, that crook! With a bunch of trained witnesses he's got--!

DEEDS:

Oh, let me alone!

COBB:

(QUIETLY) Okay, pal, okay. But I hope you change your mind. (TO GUARD) All right, officer, open up.

SOUND:

CELL DOOR OPENS

GUARD:

So long, Mr. Cobb.

COBB:

Goodbye.

SOUND:

CELL DOOR CLOSES ... COBB'S STEPS

BRENDA:

Mr. Cobb?

COBB:

Oh, go away.

BRENDA:

I've been all over town talking to everybody.

COBB:

Haven't you done enough damage already?!

BRENDA:

No, listen! I've got my editor all lined up; the paper's back of him. I can get him the best lawyer there is!

COBB:

You're wasting your time. He doesn't want a lawyer.

BRENDA:

But I've got Sam Leibowitz--

COBB:

He's so low, he doesn't want any help from anybody.

BRENDA:

Listen to me, will ya?

COBB:

You can take a bow for that. As swell a guy as ever hit this town, and you crucified him. Just for a couple of stinking headlines.

BRENDA:

But there must be something I can do!

COBB:

You've done plenty! Now stay out of his way!

BRENDA:

(MISERABLE) Okay.

MUSIC:

FURIOUS BRIDGE

SOUND:

COURTROOM CROWD IN COMMOTION, THEN IN BG

CEDAR:

Your Honor!

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES .. CROWD QUIETS

CEDAR:

Your Honor! I have before me a series of articles written by a newspaper woman who was an eyewitness to Mr. Deeds' peculiar behavior since his arrival in New York. These articles, Your Honor, do not paint the picture of a man in whom the disposition of twenty million dollars can safely be entrusted! Our institutions are filled with demented who are forever giving away the Empire State Building!

SOUND:

CROWD LAUGHS ... GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES

CEDAR:

We present our first witness, Miss Brenda Bennett.

BAILIFF:

Miss Bennett, please.

SOUND:

BRENDA'S STEPS TO WITNESS STAND

BAILIFF:

Repeat after me. I do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

BRENDA:

I do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

BAILIFF:

All right, be seated.

CEDAR:

(CLEARS THROAT) Miss Bennett, are you employed by the Evening Mail?

BRENDA:

Your Honor, this is ridiculous!

CEDAR:

Will you please answer the question?

BRENDA:

This whole hearing is ridiculous!

CEDAR:

Please!

BRENDA:

That man is no more insane than you are!

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS WITH MURMURS ... GAVEL BANGS TWICE ... CROWD QUIETS BEHIND--

BRENDA:

It's a frame-up! It's a frame-up! They're trying to railroad this man for the money they can get out of him!

CEDAR:

Your Honor--!

JUDGE:

Young lady! You are here to testify. Please confine yourself to answering the questions. Proceed, Mr. Cedar.

CEDAR:

Are you employed by the Evening Mail, Miss Bennett?

BRENDA:

(DEFIANT) No.

CEDAR:

(THREATENING) You are under oath, Miss Bennett. I ask you again -- are you employed by the Evening Mail?

BRENDA:

No! I resigned last week.

CEDAR:

Prior to that time, however, you were employed by the Evening Mail?

BRENDA:

Yes, I--

CEDAR:

You were given an assignment to follow the activities of Mr. Longfellow Deeds?

BRENDA:

Yes, but--

CEDAR:

Did you subsequently write a series of articles about him?

BRENDA:

Yes!

CEDAR:

You were present when the episodes you have reported took place?

BRENDA:

Yes!

CEDAR:

Are they true?

BRENDA:

Well--

CEDAR:

I asked you a question, Miss Bennett! Are they true?! Answer yes or no!

BRENDA:

NO!

CEDAR:

But they did take place?!

BRENDA:

They're colored, I tell you! Just to make him look silly!

CEDAR:

But you saw them happen?!

BRENDA:

Yes, I did, but--

CEDAR:

That's all.

BRENDA:

It isn't all! I'd like to explain--

CEDAR:

(INSISTENT) That's all, Miss Bennett.

BAILIFF:

Come on, miss -- come on. Step down.

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS WITH MURMURS, THEN BRIEFLY BEHIND--

BRENDA:

Your Honor, what kind of hearing is this? He's not defending himself. Somebody's got to do it!

JUDGE:

Miss Bennett, please--!

BRENDA:

I've got a right to be heard!

JUDGE:

Miss Bennett! I'm willing to listen to anything anybody has to say, but it must be done in an orderly fashion. When you learn to show some respect for the court, you can return. Till then, you better go back to your seat and calm down.

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS WITH MURMURS, GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES, CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

Mr. Deeds, do you wish to say anything about the articles that have been handed to me written by Miss Bennett for the Evening Mail?

DEEDS:

No.

JUDGE:

All right. Proceed, Mr. Cedar.

CEDAR:

Your Honor, I should like to ask Dr. Herman Mankiewicz if he'll be good enough to give the court his opinion. Dr. Mankiewicz, you know, is the eminent Rumanian psychiatrist, probably the greatest authority--

JUDGE:

(INTERRUPTS, WEARILY) Yes, all right, Cedar. Dr. Mankiewicz.

DOCTOR:

(SLOWLY) The case of Mr. Longfellow Deeds, in my carefully considered opinion--

CEDAR:

(INTERRUPTS) Would you say, Dr. Mankiewicz, that Mr. Deeds is insane?

DOCTOR:

(SLOWLY) The symptoms are obvious. Instances of his high elation--

CEDAR:

(INTERRUPTS BY CLEARING THROAT) Uh, Dr. Mankiewicz--

DOCTOR:

(INTERRUPTS) Please! (RESUMES, SLOWLY) Instances of his high elation are his playing of the tuba, writing childish poems, and chasing fire engines. Oh, yes -- there's no doubt he is an obvious case of manic depression.

CEDAR:

Meaning, Dr. Mankiewicz, in simple language, that this man is insane? (NO ANSWER) Dr. Mankiewicz?

JUDGE:

Dr. Mankiewicz?

DOCTOR:

(SLOWLY) Yes! Very positively - inzane.

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS WITH MURMURS ... GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES BEHIND--

BAILIFF:

Order, please! Order in the court! Quiet, please!

SOUND:

CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

Mr. Cedar, your next witness.

CEDAR:

Your Honor, I have two witnesses here from Mandrake Falls, Mr. Deeds' own hometown, who will testify to his strange conduct throughout his lifetime -- proving that his derangement is neither a recent nor a temporary one! Nor is it--!

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, CROWD REACTS BRIEFLY WITH MURMURS

JUDGE:

(INTERRUPTS, IMPATIENT) Yes, yes. Let's get on with it, please.

CEDAR:

(CLEARS THROAT) Yes, er, will the Misses Falkner take the stand, please?

BAILIFF:

Miss Falkner and Miss Falkner.

SOUND:

JANE AND AMY'S STEPS TO WITNESS STAND

CEDAR:

What is your name?

JANE:

Jane Falkner. This is my sister, Amy.

AMY:

(AGREES) Yes. Amy.

CEDAR:

Do you know the defendant, Longfellow Deeds?

JANE:

Oh yes, yes -- of course we know him.

CEDAR:

How long have you known him?

JANE:

(EXCHANGES WHISPERS WITH AMY; THEN--) Since he was born.

AMY:

Yes. Elsie Taggart was the midwife.

JANE:

He was a seven-months baby.

CEDAR:

Ah, that's fine, thank you. Do you see him very often?

JANE:

(EXCHANGES WHISPERS WITH AMY; THEN--) Most every day.

AMY:

Sometimes twice.

JUDGE:

(IMPATIENT) Must we have the echo?

CEDAR:

Ah, Miss Jane, you can answer for both. Now, tell me -- what does everybody back home think of Longfellow Deeds?

JANE:

(EXCHANGES WHISPERS WITH AMY; THEN--) They think he's pixilated.

AMY:

Oh, yes -- pixilated.

JUDGE:

He's what?

JANE:

Pixilated.

JUDGE:

Well, that's a somewhat unusual word, Miss Jane. Can you tell the court just what it means?

CEDAR:

Ah, perhaps I can explain, Your Honor. "Pixilated" is an old New England word. It is derived from the word "pixies," meaning elves or the little people. They would say, "The pixies have got him," as we would say a man is "balmy."

JUDGE:

I see. Um, why does everyone think Mr. Deeds is pixilated? Does he do peculiar things, Miss Jane?

JANE:

He - he walks in the rain -- without his hat -- and talks to himself.

AMY:

Sometimes he whistles.

JANE:

And recently he gave Chuck Dillon a thumping.

AMY:

Blacked his eye.

CEDAR:

Why?

JANE:

For no reason, I guess. We always run into the house when we see him coming.

AMY:

Never can tell what he's going to do.

JANE:

He surely is pixilated.

AMY:

Oh, yes, he's pixilated, all right.

CEDAR:

(TRIUMPHANT) Thank you, ladies! That will be all!

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS WITH MURMURS ... GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES BEHIND--

BAILIFF:

Order, please! Quiet in the court! Order! Quiet!

SOUND:

CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

Mr. Deeds, are you still unwilling to speak in your own defense? (NO ANSWER) You have nothing to say in this case?

DEEDS:

Nothing.

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS WITH MURMURS ... GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES BEHIND--

BAILIFF:

We must have quiet in the court!

SOUND:

CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

Mr. Deeds, in view of the extensive testimony and after very carefully considering all the evidence available, I think it advisable for your own safety that you be sent to a state hospital. You need medical attention, Mr. Deeds--

BRENDA:

No! No! Wait a minute!

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS WITH MURMURS ... GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES BEHIND--

BRENDA:

You can't do it! You've got to make him talk, Your Honor!

SOUND:

CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

Uh, Miss Bennett, please--

BRENDA:

You said I could speak! You said that you would listen to anything I had to say if I was rational. Well, I am rational. I'll take the witness chair. But he must be made to defend himself.

CEDAR:

Your Honor, what she is saying has no bearing on this case!

JUDGE:

Mr. Cedar, please. Let her speak.

BRENDA:

I know why he won't defend himself! That has a bearing on the case. He's been hurt. He's been hurt by everybody he's met since he came to this town. He's been the victim of every conniving crook in New York -- so why shouldn't he keep quiet? Everything he's said has been twisted around to sound imbecile. And he can thank me for it. I handed the town a great laugh. This is a fitting climax for my sense of humor.

CEDAR:

Your Honor, this is preposterous!

BRENDA:

Certainly I wrote those articles. I was going to get a byline and my picture at the head of a column! But I stopped writing them when I found out that he could never fit in with our distorted viewpoint -- because his was honest and sincere and good. If that man's crazy, Your Honor, the rest of us belong in straitjackets!

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS WITH MURMURS THEN QUIETS AS GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES BEHIND--

CEDAR:

This is absurd, Your Honor -- absurd! This woman is obviously in love with the defendant!

BRENDA:

What's that got to do with it?!

CEDAR:

You are in love with him, aren't you?!

BRENDA:

Yes!

SOUND:

CROWD EXPLODES WITH EXCITED MURMURS, CONTINUES IN BG ... GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES BEHIND--

COBB:

Your Honor, I've got a couple of cents worth I'd like to put in, too! I've been with this man since he came to New York--

MAC:

(OVERLAPS SLIGHTLY WITH ABOVE) I'm Miss Bennett's city editor and I can verify everything she said! It was my fault!

SOUND:

MORE GAVEL BANGING BEHIND--

BAILIFF:

Quiet! Order in the court! Order! Order!

SOUND:

CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

(GRIM) There'll be no more of these interruptions. In the interest of the defendant, I have tolerated a great deal of informality. But if there is one more outburst, I shall have the courtroom cleared.

DEEDS:

(BEAT, OFF) Your Honor?

JUDGE:

(SURPRISED) Yes, Mr. Deeds?

DEEDS: (OFF) I'd like to get in my two cents' worth.

JUDGE:

Well, of course, of course, Mr. Deeds. Go right ahead, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

(CLOSER) I don't know where to begin. There's been so many things said about me. That was a pretty speech Mr. Cedar made about me at the opening of this hearing. If I were an outsider, I'd be sure the fella he was talking about was crazy. Guess that's what a good lawyer is supposed to do -- make things look like what they're not. Of course, Mr. Cedar has a right to think I'm looney. I once considered paying him a hundred thousand dollars a year for his services.

SOUND:

CROWD LAUGHS ... LIGHT TAPPING OF GAVEL

DEEDS:

About my playing the tuba. Seems like a lot of fuss has been made about that. Of course, I don't see any harm in it -- uh, in playing the tuba. I play the tuba whenever I want to concentrate. That may sound funny, but most everybody does something silly when they're thinking. For instance, Judge, you're an O-filler.

JUDGE:

I'm a what?

DEEDS:

An O-filler. You fill in all the spaces in the O's, with your pencil. I've been watching you.

JUDGE:

(EMBARRASSED) Well, I-- (CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY)

SOUND:

CROWD CHUCKLES A LITTLE

DEEDS:

Now, that may make you look a little crazy, Your Honor, just sitting around filling in O's, but I don't see anything wrong in it 'cause that helps you think. And other people are doodlers.

JUDGE:

Doodlers?

DEEDS:

That's the name we had back home for people who make designs on paper while they're thinking. Most everybody is a doodler. Did you ever see a scratch pad in a telephone booth? Dr. Mankiewicz, here, could probably think up a long name for it, because he doodles all the time. And, well, I play the tuba!

SOUND:

CROWD LAUGHS ... THEN MURMURS, IN BG

COBB:

(FROM OFF, ENCOURAGING) Atta boy, Deeds!

BAILIFF:

Order, please!

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, GAVEL BANGS ONCE ... CROWD QUIETS BEHIND--

JUDGE:

Silence.

DEEDS:

Now, about my going around and hitting people. I - I hit people, all right. You would've, too, Judge, if they'd deliberately made fun of ya. It said in one of those articles that I chased after a fire engine. Well, who doesn't chase after a--? And as for throwing those society people out of my house, I threw 'em out 'cause I didn't want the party in the first place.

CEDAR:

Your Honor, this is becoming a farce! I suggest that Mr. Deeds dispense with his side remarks and explain a few facts -- for example, his wandering around the city streets at night in his underwear, feeding doughnuts to a horse!

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS ... GAVEL BANGS ONCE ... CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

Well, Mr. Deeds?

DEEDS:

(EMBARRASSED) Uh, yeah, they-- Yes, Your Honor, they-- Those things look kind of bad, don't they? But, Judge, I don't remember them. They probably happened, all right, 'cause I don't think a policeman would lie about a thing like that, but-- I was drunk, Your Honor. It was the first time I was ever drunk in my life. Probably happened to you, Judge. I mean, when you were younger, of course.

SOUND:

CROWD LAUGHS

DEEDS:

And about the Falkner sisters. That's kind of funny. I mean about Mr. Cedar going all the way to Mandrake Falls to bring 'em here. Do you mind if I talk to them, Judge?

JUDGE:

No, not at all, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

Jane? Jane, who owns the house you live in?

JANE:

Why, you do, Longfellow.

AMY:

(AGREES) You. You own it.

DEEDS:

Do you pay any rent?

JANE:

No, we don't pay any rent.

AMY:

Good heavens, no! We never pay rent.

DEEDS:

Are you happy there?

JANE:

Yes.

AMY:

Yes, indeed.

DEEDS:

Now, a little while ago you said I was pixilated. Do you still think so?

JANE:

Oh, yes! You've always been pixilated, Longfellow.

DEEDS:

That's fine. Now tell me something, Jane. Who else in Mandrake Falls is pixilated?

JANE & AMY:

(EXCHANGE WHISPERS)

DEEDS:

Have you figured it out?

JANE:

(YES) Uh-huh.

DEEDS:

Well? Who else in Mandrake Falls is pixilated?

JANE:

Why, everybody's pixilated -- except us.

AMY:

(AGREES) Uh-huh. All except us.

SOUND:

CROWD LAUGHS ... GAVEL BANGS A FEW TIMES

DEEDS:

Uh, Jane, how about the judge here? He's a nice man, isn't he? Now, do you think he's pixilated?

JANE:

(QUICKLY) Oh, yes!

AMY:

Yes, indeedy!

SOUND:

CROWD LAUGHS

JUDGE:

Uh, Mr. Deeds, you haven't touched on the most important thing -- this plan of yours about giving your money away.

DEEDS:

Oh, I was getting to that, Your Honor. The plain fact is, I don't want it; I never earned it and, so far, it's brought me nothing but hard luck, Your Honor.

JUDGE:

I see.

CEDAR:

If this man is permitted to carry out his farming plan, Your Honor, repercussions will be felt that will rock the foundations of our entire governmental system!

JUDGE:

Mr. Cedar! Mr. Cedar--

DEEDS:

Personally, I don't know what Mr. Cedar's raving about. My idea was very simple. I was going to give each family ten acres, a horse, a cow, and some seed. If they worked the farm for three years, it was to be theirs. Now, if that's crazy, maybe I ought to be in an institution. But I don't think it is. What's more, Mr. Cedar doesn't think so either. Right before the hearing started, he offered to call the whole thing off if I made a settlement with him. So you see, he wouldn't think I was crazy if he got paid off!

CEDAR:

(OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE) Your Honor! Objection! That's a lie, Your Honor!

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, CROWD REACTS BRIEFLY WITH MURMURS, THEN OUT BEHIND--

JUDGE:

Mr. Cedar! Mr. Cedar! You will please permit Mr. Deeds to finish. (TO DEEDS) Anything else, Mr. Deeds?

DEEDS:

No-- (CHANGES MIND INSTANTLY) Yes! There is one more thing I'd like to get off my chest before I finish, Your Honor, please.

JUDGE:

Go right ahead, Mr. Deeds.

DEEDS:

Thank you, Judge; it won't take long. Mr. Cedar, will you come up here a minute?

JUDGE:

Mr. Cedar, will you step up here, please?

SOUND:

CEDAR'S STEPS TO WITNESS STAND

CEDAR:

(ANNOYED) Well, what is it, Deeds?

DEEDS:

This here, Cedar. "A crack on the jaw / In this courtroom of - (WITH EFFORT) - law."

SOUND:

DEEDS PUNCHES CEDAR

CEDAR:

(GRUNTS IN PAIN)

SOUND:

CEDAR'S BODY THUDS TO FLOOR ... AND THE CROWD ROARS ITS APPROVAL! ... GAVEL BANGS BEHIND--

BAILIFF:

Silence! Silence! Order in the court! Quiet! Quiet!

SOUND:

CROWD QUIETS

JUDGE:

(VERY SERIOUS) Mr. Deeds, there's been a great deal of damaging testimony against you. Your behavior, to say the least, has been most strange.

SOUND:

AN UNEASY RUMBLE FROM THE WORRIED CROWD

JUDGE:

But! -- in my opinion, you are not only sane, but you're the sanest man that ever walked into this courtroom. Case is dismissed!

SOUND:

CROWD EXPLODES! CHEERS, WHISTLES, ET CETERA ... THEN SETTLES DOWN TO A HAPPY MURMUR, IN BG

MUSIC:

THAT LIGHT COMICAL TUNE AGAIN, PLAYED WITH WOODBLOCKS AND TOY TRUMPET ... IN AND BEHIND--

COBB:

Deeds, you were wonderful!

BRENDA:

(INCREASINGLY TEARFUL) Oh, Longfellow! Darling, darling, I'm so happy, dear. Forgive me.

DEEDS:

What's that?

BRENDA:

Will you forgive me?

DEEDS:

Hey, Judge! I plead guilty! I am crazy! She's asking me to forgive her!

BRENDA:

Darling, darling, if you only knew how I felt.

DEEDS:

Nobody's gonna forgive anybody! If there's any forgiving to do, you're gonna forgive me!

BRENDA:

If anything had happened to you, I was gonna kill myself!

DEEDS:

Nothing's gonna happen to me, or to you; only we're gonna be together always, if that's all right with you.

BRENDA:

(NO LONGER TEARFUL, ASTONISHED) If it's all right with me?! Why, darling--

SOUND:

CROWD QUIETS BEHIND--

DEEDS:

I want to kiss you something terrible, Brenda, only not here. I always figured when you and I got to know if we loved each other, somehow it ought to be back home.

BRENDA:

Back home?

DEEDS:

Sure, Mandrake Falls. You say it with me. "Welcome to Mandrake Falls--"

BRENDA:

"Welcome to Mandrake Falls--"

MUSIC:

CHANGES TO SOLO TUBA, IN BG

DEEDS:

"Where the scenery enthralls--"

BRENDA:

"Where the scenery enthralls--"

DEEDS:

"Where no evil e'er befalls--"

BRENDA:

"Where no evil e'er befalls--"

DEEDS:

"Welcome to Mandrake Falls--"

BRENDA:

(EXHILARATED) "Welcome to Mandrake Falls"!

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA JOINS TUBA ... FOR A TRIUMPHANT YET COMICAL CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

You have been listening to the Campbell Playhouse presentation of "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town," starring Gertrude Lawrence and Orson Welles. In just a moment, Mr. Welles will return to the microphone, and that brief interval gives me all the time I need to ask you this. Have you ever noticed that with most families the favorite soup when company comes to dinner is Campbell's Tomato Soup, prepared as Cream of Tomato by adding milk instead of water? The chances are this is a favorite for company meals at your house, too. And may I suggest you enjoy Campbell's served as a luscious Cream of Tomato not just when you have guests, but for family lunches and suppers as well? You'll find it a revelation in how fine a Cream of Tomato can be. Smooth as velvet, rich in tomato flavor, and, of course, extra nourishing. Now, wouldn't a glowing plateful of Campbell's Tomato Soup, prepared as Cream of Tomato, taste good to you, say, at lunch or dinner tomorrow? And now I see Orson Welles is back with us. Mr. Welles?

MUSIC:

NOËL COWARD'S "SOMEWHERE I'LL FIND YOU" ... IN BG

HOST:

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you our guest of the evening, that beautiful, talented and glamorous, and international star, Miss Gertrude Lawrence.

LAWRENCE:

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

HOST:

Miss Lawrence was our guest here on the Campbell Playhouse, if you will remember, one evening last spring almost exactly one year ago when she played her own part of Amanda with us in Noël Coward's "Private Lives."

LAWRENCE:

Yes, Orson. It was a lot of fun bickering our way through that one. But, if you want to know, I've had a lot more fun tonight.

HOST:

Why, Gertie?

LAWRENCE:

Well, for one thing, that was a part I'd played hundreds of times before. And for another, that broadcast came right in the middle of the rehearsals for "Skylark" -- and you know how that makes you feel.

HOST:

I have a rough idea. But as a matter of fact, ladies and gentlemen, I don't have to tell you that Miss Lawrence's apprehensions on that occasion were quite unfounded. "Skylark" is now in its seventh month on Broadway and one of the biggest hits of the current theatrical season. It's by all odds Miss Lawrence's brightest personal success to date.

LAWRENCE:

I think perhaps the Campbell Playhouse proved to be an excellent rabbit's foot.

HOST:

Aren't you nice? And I hope you'll always think of it as that, Gertie, and that you'll come back very soon again.

LAWRENCE:

Thank you, Orson.

HOST:

Good night, Gertie.

MUSIC:

UP, TO FILL PAUSE ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

HOST:

Gertrude Lawrence, of course, was Brenda Bennett tonight in "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town." Everett Sloane was Cedar; Paul Stewart was Cobb; Frank Readick was the judge; Edgar Barrier, Mr. Budington; Richard Wilson was a number of people, as were Mr. Howard Teichmann and the honorable Joe Cotten. The pixilated ladies were Jane Houston and Agnes Moorehead, the well-beloved. Benny Herrmann assumed the responsibility for the music. And in closing I think you'll be interested to learn that the character of the bailiff and of Edwin C. Hill was rendered by Dr. Ernest Chappell himself. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as to next week's broadcast.

MUSIC:

IN AND BRIEFLY BEHIND--

HOST:

It's a stage play. And a smash hit. With a Mrs. Hedda Hopper, Marjorie Rambeau, and Lucille Ball as our guests. The play, by George Kaufman and Edna Ferber -- "Dinner at Eight." You're cordially invited to listen to it and until next week, my sponsors, the makers of Campbell's Soups, and all of us in the Campbell Playhouse, remain as always, obediently yours.

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

The makers of Campbell's Soups join Orson Welles in inviting you to be with us in the Campbell Playhouse again next Sunday evening when we present "Dinner at Eight." And as our guest players in "Dinner at Eight" you will hear Hedda Hopper, Lucille Ball, and Marjorie Rambeau. Will you be with us? In the meantime, if you've enjoyed tonight's Playhouse presentation, won't you tell your grocer so tomorrow when you order Campbell's Tomato Soup? This is Ernest Chappell saying thank you and good night.

MUSIC:

FOR CLOSING .... UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.