(CECIL AND SALLY ARE ON HER FRONT PORCH.)

 

SALLY:

Cecil, please don't do this awful thing.

CECIL:

Aw, what's so awful about it?

SALLY:

Cecil, if you just do this favour for me, I'll never ask you to do another one.

CECIL:

What do you want me to do?

SALLY:

Throw that plug of tobacco away. Please.

CECIL:

I won't do it. It cost money. And I'm gonna learn how to chew it, if it kills me.

SALLY:

You're determined?

CECIL:

Yes.

SALLY:

Then I hope it does.

CECIL:

Does what?

SALLY:

Kills you. It ought to.

CECIL:

Very well, if that's the way you feel about it. I guess you like sissies better. Someone like (SMARMY) Alexander. He'd die if you SUGGESTED this to him.

SALLY:

He has more sense than you have. He wouldn't eat that awful stuff.

CECIL:

Oh, I'm not gonna eat it.

SALLY:

Well, whatever you DO do with it, that makes you look so disgusting.

CECIL:

You chew it, that's all. That's what real he-men do.

SALLY:

If you must chew something, why don't you get some gum?

CECIL:

(CONTEMPTUOUS) Gum! Gum. Baby stuff. Gum.

SALLY:

Oh, I wish there were someone home to stop you.

CECIL:

Huh! That's why I came over here. Well, I'm gonna start now.

SALLY:

Cecil, if you do, if you just dare to, I'll go right in the house, and that's the last time I ever wanna see you again!

CECIL:

Oh... All over a little ten-cent plug o' tobacco.

SALLY:

I mean it. I'll go in the house, and I won't watch you. I won't!

CECIL:

Well, I'm gonna do it anyhow. Here, wanna smell it?

SALLY:

Eeek! Get that away from my nose! Cecil, ew!

CECIL:

Aw, you little baby! Can't even stand the smell. Aw, why don't you grow up?

SALLY:

Cecil. I'll give you one last chance.

CECIL:

I don't want it.

SALLY:

Are you going to eat that stuff? Are you?

CECIL:

I told you that you DON'T eat it.

SALLY:

Are you going to chew it? Are you?

CECIL:

Yes, I am.

SALLY:

Then, you know what it means.

CECIL:

It means that no one can ever sneer at me. I can do what anybody else can do.

SALLY:

Very well. Then, this is goodbye. I'm going in the house.

CECIL:

G'bye. D'you mind if I sit out here on your front porch, and learn how to do this?

SALLY:

I don't care WHAT you do. I'm never going to speak to you again.

CECIL:

Well, g'bye. When you get over it, lemme know.

SALLY:

(PLEADING) Cecil, don't. Don't put that in your mouth. Oh, Cecil, please don't.

CECIL:

Hey, I thought you were going in the house.

SALLY:

Well... I am. I couldn't watch you do this. It would make me too sick.

CECIL:

Ha! And I thought you weren't gonna speak to me again.

SALLY:

Nothing can stop you?

CECIL:

Well, nothing I can think of. Well, are you gonna watch me?

SALLY:

No. I certainly am not.

CECIL:

Well. Here goes. I thought you weren't gonna watch me.

SALLY:

Oh, I'll watch you. I might as well stay out here. After all, you came over to see me. Even if you ARE going to-- to do THAT.

CECIL:

Well. Very well. Uh, here's my first big step into real manhood.

SALLY:

Oh, Cecil, can't you chew licorice instead? It's just the same. And no one will ever know the difference.

CECIL:

I don't wanna be a fake. I'll do the real thing, or nothing.

SALLY:

Well then, be nothing, Cecil. You're so much nicer, Cecil. Oh, you're not gonna spoil yourself and-- Nobody will like you any more.

CECIL:

Well, listen. Suppose the pioneer women hadn't had anything to do with the pioneers, just because they chewed tobacco. Where would you be today?

SALLY:

Oh... go ahead, then. I won't try to stop you. Oh, I could just cry!

CECIL:

(LITTLE CHUCKLE) Well... here goes. Don't look at me like I was gonna swallow a snake.

SALLY:

Oh, it couldn't be any worse. Oh...

CECIL:

Well, one... two... three (TAKES A BITE OF TOBACCO PLUG, AND STARTS CHEWING) There.

SALLY:

Oh, Cecil, spit it out. Don't chew it, Cecil. Please don't.

CECIL:

(MOUTH FULL) Oh, hush up. I'm doing it.

SALLY:

Cecil. If you don't spit it out, this minute, I'll go right in the house. I will. I mean it, this time.

CECIL:

(MOUTH FULL) Oh, go on. I don't care. I'm gonna learn what this is all about.

SALLY:

Well, I'll stay then. I might as well be out here as in the house.

CECIL:

(MOUTH FULL) Go on in the house. I'd just as soon be alone.

SALLY:

This is MY house, and you can't order me to do what you want me to do in my own house! I'll stay out here if I like!

CECIL:

All right, that's settled. (BEAT) Do I look any different?

SALLY:

Not yet. How does it taste, Cecil? (GIGGLE)

CECIL:

(SORE TONGUE) It burns my tongue. Golly, it's hard.

SALLY:

What flavour is it?

CECIL:

Tobacco.

SALLY:

I hope it makes you sick.

CECIL:

It won't.

SALLY:

How do you feel?

CECIL:

(VOICE CRACKS) No different.

SALLY:

Don't you feel like a big he-man? That's what you wanted to feel like.

CECIL:

I feel great. I'm sorry to disappoint you. And what's more, it doesn't burn like it did at first.

SALLY:

Oh, it doesn't?

CECIL:

N-no. It-- it burns a little bit more.

SALLY:

How long are you going to do that, Cecil?

CECIL:

Oh, I don't know.

SALLY:

Are you going to chew the whole plug?

CECIL:

Sure. I have to take it a bite at a time, though. After I'm good, I can take it all in one bite.

SALLY:

Cecil, are you sure that you're supposed to eat the whole plug at one time?

CECIL:

Will you get it outta your head that I'm eating it? Golly. (TAKES ANOTHER BITE OF TOBACCO PLUG)

SALLY:

I don't see how you can get the whole piece in your mouth.

CECIL:

(CHUCKLING) W-w-well, I did. (CHUCKLING) Oh, this is fun.

SALLY:

What does it taste like?

CECIL:

Huh, you wouldn't know.

SALLY:

Does it taste good?

CECIL:

Mm, no.

SALLY:

I'm glad. Does it taste bad?

CECIL:

N-no.

SALLY:

Well, it must taste some way.

CECIL:

W-well, it tastes kinda hot, that's all.

SALLY:

Don't chew so fast, Cecil.

CECIL:

(A BIT QUEASY) Do I look so terrible now, do I? Why, you can't even tell.

SALLY:

Well, you look all right, but I still say it's horrible and ugly.

CECIL:

(SLIGHTLY UNEASY CHUCKLE) Aw, rats, it's nothing.

SALLY:

Why don't you stop, Cecil?

CECIL:

Wait. I haven't started yet. (TAKES ANOTHER BITE) Whew! Golly, but it burns.

SALLY:

Maybe it's the wrong kind, Cecil.

CECIL:

Naw, it's supposed to burn. That's what Sam told me. He said it would.

SALLY:

Well, there's no sense to it. It's silly. Why don't you stop, Cecil?

CECIL:

Oh, I'm getting along fine.

SALLY:

Are you having a good time?

CECIL:

N-no.

SALLY:

Why?

CECIL:

Why, it's too much like work.

SALLY:

Then, why don't you stop?

CECIL:

I'm not gonna give this up! Now, I'm gonna finish.

SALLY:

What are you doing now, Cecil? Resting?

CECIL:

(QUEASY) Yes. This is tiresome. Whew!

SALLY:

Cecil, throw it away. Please. You've had enough. I won't be mad at you.

CECIL:

No, I have to do this for half an hour. That's the only way.

SALLY:

But it isn't any fun. You just said so. And you're going to look so awful.

CECIL:

I won't do it, now. You needn't try to talk me out of it.

SALLY:

Please, Cecil. I'm beginning to get nervous. I'll get you a glass of water, and you can gargle.

CECIL:

Oh, well-- well...

SALLY:

Oh, all right then. Go ahead. Be a big man. I don't see anything so wonderful and manly about that.

CECIL:

Well, as-- as long as you insist, well, (VOICE CRACKS) I'll stop.

SALLY:

Oh, no. Go ahead. Keep it up. It doesn't make any difference to me now. The damage is already done.

CECIL:

(SOTTO) Yeah, that's what I think. (UP) I mean, well, I'll stop. I don't wanna make you mad. Whew!

SALLY:

Hmph. You didn't need to stop on MY account.

CECIL:

(NERVOUS LAUGH) Don't say I never did do anything for you. Whew!

SALLY:

Goodness, you look relieved. I don't believe you liked that.

CECIL:

(A LITTLE SHAKY) Well, I did it anyhow. Whew! Whew!

SALLY:

Stop blowing like a whale! Does your mouth still burn?

CECIL:

Uh-huh. Yes. I have to get that smell of tobacco away from me (GETTING QUEASIER) before I go home.

SALLY:

I'll get you some perfume upstairs.

CECIL:

Oh, ye gods. Here I was trying-- I-I mean, I was chewing tobacco, a he-man job, and now you wanna put (GETTING QUEASIER) perfume on me.

SALLY:

Well, get some gasoline, then. I don't care.

CECIL:

I'll take care of myself.

SALLY:

Cecil. Don't you want a glass of water to rinse out your mouth?

CECIL:

No! I'm no-- no baby. I-I-- Whew!

SALLY:

Cecil, are you sleepy?

CECIL:

N-no. Why should I be sleepy?

SALLY:

Well, what do you keep letting your eyes close for, then?

CECIL:

(SLIGHTLY SLURRED) O-on second thought, I-I'm a little bit sleepy.

SALLY:

Well, you LOOK sleepy. D'you wanna go in the house, and rest on the davenport?

CECIL:

N-no, I-I like the nice, fresh air out-- Whew! Out here.

SALLY:

Cecil, open your eyes. You ARE sleepy!

CECIL:

W-well... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Y-yes, just a little bit. Can I lie down here on your front porch, a minute?

SALLY:

Don't, Cecil. Don't lie down on the floor. You'll get your nice white sweater all dirty.

SFX:

BODY THUD, AS HE FLOPS DOWN ON THE PORCH FLOOR

SALLY:

Oh, why did you do that?

CECIL:

(SLURRED) S-Sally? W-will you do me a big favour?

SALLY:

Yes. Want me to go and bring you out a pillow?

CECIL:

(MISERABLY) No... G-go away. Please, go away.

SALLY:

Go away? But why? Do you want that glass of water, Cecil?

CECIL:

(SLURRED AND QUEASY) Y-yes. N-no. Y-yes. Just do me this one li'l favour. (GETTING WEAKER) Go away. Isn't that plain? Go away, willya? Go away from me...