ANNOUNCER:

For the safety of your smile, use Pepsodent twice a day, see your dentist twice a year.

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNOUNCER:

Lever Brothers Company presents the Pepsodent show "My Friend Irma," created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane.

MUSIC:

COLE PORTER'S "FRIENDSHIP"

CHORUS:

(SINGS)
Friendship! Friendship!
Just the perfect blendship!
When other friendships have been forgot,
Theirs will still be hot!
"My Friend Irma"!

MUSIC:

OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... ALFRED NEWMAN'S "STREET SCENE" ... OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) You know, when a girl is beautiful like my roommate Irma Peterson, it's all pretty wonderful. She has a lovely figure, gorgeous blonde hair, and a face that fairly takes your breath away. People wonder why it doesn't go to her head. I'll tell you why -- because there it would die of malnutrition. ... Oh, now, don't get me wrong, I love the girl. It's only that sometimes she does things that give me a groan in the dome. For instance, the other day I was reading the paper and I said, "Irma?"

IRMA:

Yes, Jane?

JANE:

It says here that our shoreline is receding at the rate of one inch every thousand years.

IRMA:

Gee, that's wonderful! I can hardly wait to go bathing on Fifth Avenue. ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, it takes all kinds of people to make a world. But right now I'm too excited to even think about it. You see, I've just received a letter from Richard Rhinelander, my ex-employer, and still the Number One guy in my dreams.

IRMA:

Ja-a-ane?

JANE:

Yes, sweetie?

IRMA:

Who's the letter from?

JANE:

It's from Richard.

IRMA:

Richard?! Oh, Jane what does he say?

JANE:

I'll read it to you.

SOUND:

LETTER UNFOLDED

JANE:

(READS) "Dear Jane--"

IRMA:

"Dear Jane"?! Oh, he loves you!

JANE:

What makes you say that?

IRMA:

Because he said "dear." ...

JANE:

Irma, for your information, at income tax time, I got a letter from the government saying "Dear Miss Stacy" -- and, believe me, the Treasury Department and I are not engaged! ...

IRMA:

Well, you can't go 'round with everybody. ... What else did he write?

JANE:

Um, (READS) "Dear Jane, I am basking in the sun at the Rossmore Hotel in Palm Springs. I will be back in New York for Thanksgiving and I am bringing you a Mexican serape."

IRMA:

Oh, gosh, he's adopted a baby! ...

JANE:

Irma, a serape is a blanket. He simply mentioned the gift to show that he's thinking about me. Isn't that sweet?

IRMA:

Ye-es! Men can be so sweet when they're far away. Of course, I like 'em close, too! (GIGGLES) ... You can take all the blankets you want; I'll take Al in person. (GIGGLES)

JANE:

Oh, be still, Irma. Hey! I've got an idea! Since Richard will be back on Thanksgiving, let's you and I give a turkey dinner here in the apartment for our boyfriends.

IRMA:

Oooh, that'll be wonderful, Jane! And I'm sure Al will have the day off because it's a legal holiday and the Unemployment Office'll be closed. ...

JANE:

(DRY) Grand. (MORE SERIOUS) Now, look, Irma -- it's very important that we don't say anything about this to Mrs. O'Reilly and the professor. It's been a long time since I've seen Richard and I don't want it spoiled by their constant quarreling. So remember now: not a word.

IRMA:

Oh, I understand, Jane. I won't mention the word "turkey" once.

JANE:

Good.

IRMA:

I'll just say we're having chicken. ...

JANE:

No. Irma, just don't say anything about Thanksgiving, is that clear?

IRMA:

Well, of course, Jane.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... MRS. O'S STEPS IN AND DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--

MRS. O:

Hello, girls!

JANE:

Oh, hello, Mrs. O'Reilly.

IRMA:

Merry Christmas!

MRS. O:

Christmas? Why, Irma darling, Thanksgiving isn't here yet.

IRMA:

Uh-oh, the cat's out of the bag!

JANE:

(ADMONISHES) Irma! ...

IRMA:

(BROADLY) Oh, we're not having any turkey, you know.

JANE:

(CHANGES THE SUBJECT) Oh, er, how is everything with you, Mrs. O'Reilly?

MRS. O:

Not so good, Janey. It's that Professor Kropotkin again. He left another one of his insulting notes on me door. Just listen to this! (READS) "When I look into your eyes, my heart does flip-ups--"

JANE:

Why, I think that's a beautiful thought.

MRS. O:

That's what I thought until I read the rest of it. Look what comes next! (READS) "That's because you have a face that scares away me hiccups!" ...

JANE:

Well, you know the professor. He doesn't mean anything by it.

MRS. O:

I don't know about that, Janey. The other day he took me to an antique show and I was having a wonderful time bidding on an early American copper bathtub -- and all of a sudden the professor began to laugh.

JANE:

What was so funny?

MRS. O:

He said it was the first time he'd ever seen one tub biddin' on another tub! ...

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

KROP:

It's only me -- Professor Kropotkin! ... Hello, Janey, Irma, and Mrs. O'Reilly -- my three little birds! Janey, graceful like a swan!

JANE:

Why, thank you, Professor.

KROP:

And Irma, a little lovebird!

IRMA:

Oh, Professor, that's sweet.

KROP:

And you, Mrs. O'Reilly--

MRS. O:

(SWEETLY EXPECTANT) Yes, Professor?

KROP:

Old bat! ...

MRS. O:

(FURIOUS) Why, you--! You'll be a dead duck before I get through with ye!

KROP:

Now, now, take it is easy, Mrs. O'Reilly, I was only joking. No, to me, you are really an inspiration.

MRS. O:

(FLATTERED) Why, Professor! (GIGGLES)

KROP:

No, it's true, it's true! Seeing you here in the half-light with your beautiful red hair brings to mind my first romance! Her name was Sonya. Every evening I would find her by the lake with her faithful collie. And this is why, every time I see you standing like this, I want to call out and say, "Here, Rover! Here, Rover!" ...

MRS. O:

(FURIOUS) Why, you mangy old musician, you--!

JANE:

Please, the two of you! Don't you ever know when to call it quits?

KROP:

I'm sorry, Janey. Mrs. O'Reilly, I apologize.

MRS. O:

(WOUNDED) Well, I - I should think you would! I try so hard to be friendly with everyone! After all, it'll soon be Thanksgiving.

KROP:

Yes?

MRS. O:

And if you say I look like a turkey, I'll beat your brains out! ...

IRMA:

Oh, turkey! Oh, that reminds me--!

JANE:

(CAUTIONS) Irma!

MRS. O:

Reminds ya of what, dearie?

IRMA:

Well, you see, we're having--

JANE:

(INTERRUPTS) It reminds her of the Fourth of July!

IRMA:

Fourth of July?

JANE:

(LOW) Yes! If you open your mouth, there'll be fireworks! ...

MRS. O:

Well, I, for one, have made no plans for Thanksgiving. But as far back as I could remember I've always been invited to a turkey dinner.

KROP:

Is that so? Tell me, Mrs. O'Reilly, I've always wanted to know: Was Miles Standish a big eater? ...

MRS. O:

Well, as a matter of fact, he was-- (DOUBLE TAKE, FURIOUS) Now, look here you!

JANE:

Oh, uh, Mrs. O'Reilly, I'm sure we'll all have a place to go on Thanksgiving.

MRS. O:

I never worry about it, Janey. (HINTING BROADLY) You see, Thanksgiving is so near the first of the year and everyone wants to renew their lease, so I always get invited to dinner. (EVENLY SPACED LAUGHS) Heh - heh - heh! ...

JANE:

(CLEARS THROAT THREE TIMES, TO SAME EVENLY SPACED RHYTHM) Ahem - ahem - ahem!

IRMA:

Yeah, I got throat trouble, too. ...

MRS. O:

And I'm sure me best friends won't forget me.

KROP:

(AMUSED) Mrs. O'Reilly, you are priceless. Come on, we'll take a walk over to the automobile showrooms. I want you should stand alongside of a new Nash, so I can make a comparison. ...

MRS. O:

(FLATTERED) Oh, I know what you mean, Professor. We're both so streamlined. Heh heh!

KROP:

Yes, and you both seat four in the front. ... Goodbye, girls.

MRS. O:

(FURIOUS) Why, you--!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS MRS. O AND KROP EXIT

JANE:

Well, that was a bit of a hint, wasn't it, Irma?

IRMA:

Oh, yes, Jane. What are we going to do?

JANE:

Nothing. We'll just go ahead with the dinner as we planned. After all, we're two young girls with beaus and we're entitled to a little pleasure.

IRMA:

Certainly! We're not married! ...

JANE:

Well, personally, I don't think the professor minds not being invited too much, but as for Mrs. O'Reilly-- Well, she is our landlady and we've got to stay on the right side of her. So again, Irma, let me remind you -- we do nothing to arouse her suspicion.

IRMA:

Well, you can trust me, Jane. I won't breathe it to a living soul, or any of my other friends. ...

JANE:

Good. And look, honey, I've got to hurry to keep an appointment with the dentist, so would you mind going to the butcher's and ordering the turkey now, so we'll have a good bird?

IRMA:

Oh, I'll be glad to, Jane.

JANE:

Fine. (MOVING OFF) See you later, sweetie.

SOUND:

JANE'S STEPS TO DOOR WHICH CLOSES AS SHE EXITS ... PHONE RINGS, RECEIVER UP

IRMA:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? --- What's that you say? My multiple theory on atomic fission works? Oh, that's nice. Who's it working for? ... Huh? Oh. No, I'm sorry, this isn't Einstein. My name is Peterson. --- You have the wrong number, but, talking about fission, if you ever want to go fishin', I'll be glad to go. ... Goodbye!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

IRMA:

(TO HERSELF) Gee, now I know how Barbara Stanwyck felt in "Sorry, Wrong Number." ...

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

IRMA:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

AL:

Hiya, chicken!

IRMA:

Hello, Al, honey! Uh, Al, uh, do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?

AL:

Er, well, to tell you the truth, chicken, I did plan on takin' ya out to dinner, but, er, got a last-minute phone call which makes it necessary for me to be out of town Thanksgivin'.

IRMA:

(DISAPPOINTED) Awwww, Al. Jane and I are having a big turkey dinner here and you're invited. Now you can't make it!

AL:

(QUICKLY) Oh, you're wrong, chicken! Just happened to remember they took my phone out just before the call came through. ...

IRMA:

Al, you're always making sacrifices for me.

AL:

Glad to help ya, chicken.

IRMA:

Well, Jane wants me to go right out and order the turkey.

AL:

Chicken, are you and Jane gonna have all the trimmin's? You know -- cranberries, sweet potatoes, stuffin', celery, olives?

IRMA:

Oh, sure, Al.

AL:

Well, in that case, I wanna chip in.

IRMA:

Oh, Al, it won't be necessary.

AL:

No, no, I insist.

IRMA:

Well, all right, Al, if it'll make ya feel any better. What would you like to bring?

AL:

(MUSES) Well, let's see. I could bring flowers. Might give ya hay fever. ... No point in bringin' more candy; just bought you a pack of Life Savers last week. ... Champagne? Caviar? (SNAPS FINGERS) I got it! For them olives you're buyin', you'll need toothpicks! Count on me for that! ...

IRMA:

Aw, no, Al, this is all on us. We want to catch the full spirit of the holiday.

AL:

(CHUCKLES)

IRMA:

Al?

AL:

What, chicken?

IRMA:

How did they get the idea of having turkey on Thanksgiving?

AL:

Glad you come to me for knowledge, chicken, because I'm loaded with it. See, Thanksgivin' originated with a bunch of pilgrims who came to America, led by some very famous men, such as William Penn, Buffalo Bill, and, er, Wild Bill Hickock. ...

IRMA:

Hickock? Oh, I know! He's the man who invented the suspenders.

AL:

Er-- ... Precisely. Now, the pilgrims really had a tough winter. There was a housing shortage, manufacturin' was at a standstill, and everybody was really beat and out of work. So naturally they thought they had somethin' to be thankful for, so they decided to give a feast.

IRMA:

Oh, I see.

AL:

Now, the big delicacy in them days was bear meat, so they sent an Indian guide out to trap a bear. Unfortunately, this guide was nearsighted and, by mistake, he come back with a turkey.

IRMA:

Well, imagine that!

AL:

Yeah. And to this day, if it wasn't for that slight defect in Hiawatha's vision, we'd all be sittin' down to a Thanksgivin' dinner of stuffed bear. ...

IRMA:

Well, gee, that would have been perfect for our dinner. Then we could all have a drumstick!

AL:

Er, well, them's the breaks. Come on, chicken, I'll walk ya downstairs!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS) Is that you, Irma honey?!

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS) Come on in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... MRS. O'S STEPS IN

JANE:

Oh, hello, Mrs. O'Reilly! Well, you look awfully upset. Is anything wrong?

MRS. O:

Yes! I've just told the Martins upstairs that I have a rule: No pets of any kind in this house!

JANE:

Yes, I know how strict you are about that.

MRS. O:

Well, I just found out they have a canary -- and either that bird goes or they go! I'm going right back up there and give them five minutes to make up their mind!

SOUND:

MRS. O'S STEPS THROUGH DOOR WHICH CLOSES AS SHE EXITS ... PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

JANE:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? --- Oh, Richard, how nice of you to call me long distance! --- Yes, I got your letter. --- What? --- (DISAPPOINTED) Ohhh. Oh, Richard--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES ... THEN INTERMITTENTLY IN BG)

JANE:

(STUNNED DISBELIEF) Oh, no. Oh, murder! (INTO PHONE) Richard! Rich--? What? I sound crazy? I'm going crazy. I can't talk to you right now. Irma just walked in with a live turkey! Goodbye!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES) ...

IRMA:

Merry Thanksgiving, Jane!

JANE:

Irma Peterson, how could you bring home a live turkey?!

IRMA:

Well, Jane, I was only trying to save money.

JANE:

What do you mean "save money"?

IRMA:

Well, I felt this one and it's already stuffed. ...

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES)

JANE:

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Take that turkey back!

IRMA:

(SADLY) Oh, I can't, Jane. The butcher said he won't take George back.

JANE:

George?!

IRMA:

Yes, that's his name.

JANE:

How do you know?

IRMA:

Well, the butcher said, "Do you really want this turkey?" When I said yes, he said, "Well, by George!" So I did. ...

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNOUNCER:

Your winning smile is a Pepsodent smile. Again and again, people have found it true: the smile that wins is the Pepsodent smile. The story of Nancy Rule proves it. Her smile won success in the fabulous world of fashion. From Kentucky's Centre College, Nancy went to Chicago to begin her career in a department store. There, she won promotions -- and a husband. Now she's fashion stylist for their own store in Freeport, Illinois. When Nancy presents costumes she's chosen at New York's glittering style previews, her winning smile is an important asset. Nancy said:

NANCY:

It's a Pepsodent smile! I've used Pepsodent Toothpaste ever since I was in college. I love the way it brightens my teeth.

ANNOUNCER:

Like Nancy Rule, people all over America have found - the smile that wins is the Pepsodent smile. In recent comparison tests, thousands of people preferred Pepsodent with Irium over the brands they'd been using at home. Yes, Pepsodent won by the overwhelming average of three to one -- for its cool minty taste, for making breath cleaner and teeth brighter. Try New Pepsodent Toothpaste with Irium and you will see: the smile that wins is the Pepsodent smile.

MUSIC:

TAG ... TRANSITIONS TO SECOND ACT INTRODUCTION (QUOTES "STREET SCENE") ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, I sent my roommate out to buy a turkey. It's funny, I always thought her name was Irma Peterson, but it's turned out to be Frank Buck because she had to bring it back alive! ... She's standing in the doorway with the turkey in her arms. She is looking at the turkey. And the turkey is looking at her. And I'm looking at both of them and I don't know which head to cut off! ... (TO IRMA) Irma, what in the world made you buy a live turkey?

IRMA:

Well, you didn't specify, Jane, and - and he looked so lonely.

JANE:

But, sweetie, you know Mrs. O'Reilly doesn't allow pets of any sort in the apartment. What will we tell her? She'll throw us out!

IRMA:

Well, we could cut a hole in the wall and let the turkey's head stick through and tell her we shot it in Africa. ...

JANE:

Irma, before I shoot myself, let me make one thing clear. There is still a great housing shortage. If Mrs. O'Reilly finds out we're not inviting her to Thanksgiving dinner and then finds out we have a live turkey in the apartment, all three of us can take a boat to Africa!

IRMA:

(AIRILY) Oh, no, Jane; if we're going to take a trip, I'd rather get you on a slow boat to China. ...

JANE:

Irma, this is no time for joking. We're in trouble.

IRMA:

Well, now, let's see, uh-- Gosh, there must be some way of fooling Mrs. O'Reilly. I have it! I just bought a new hat and maybe I can train the bird to sit on it and I can say it came that way. ...

JANE:

(DRY) No, sweetie. It's liable to lay an egg and we wouldn't be able to tell it from your head. ... (EXASPERATED) Oh, nobody but you would bring home a turkey by the name of George!

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES)

IRMA:

Aw, see, Jane? Isn't he cute? He knows his name. ...

JANE:

Look, Irma, I'm not going to waste any more words! There's only one thing for us to do! You'll have to-- To kill it!

IRMA:

Kill George? Oh, Jane, I can't.

JANE:

Why not?

IRMA:

It would make him an orphan. ... Jane, I've grown very fond of him.

JANE:

Oh, for goodness' sakes, that's ridiculous!

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES TWICE, FORLORNLY)

IRMA:

You see? He just called me "Mother." ... Oh, Jane-- Jane, I couldn't do it.

JANE:

Oh, stop dramatizing it. (UNCONVINCINGLY) It's not that difficult. You just take a sharp knife and-- Well, you just cut off its head. It's simple!

IRMA:

But that's murder!

JANE:

Oh, preposterous! There's nothing to it.

IRMA:

Then you do it.

JANE:

(HESITANT) All right, I - I--

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES IN PROTEST)

JANE:

(UNEASILY) What's he saying now? ...

IRMA:

He wants a lawyer. ...

JANE:

Oh, this is silly! You and your imagination! You're making a nervous wreck out of me.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Oh, if that's Mrs. O'Reilly, this is the end! (CALLS) Er, who is it?!

AL:

(FROM BEHIND DOOR) Me!

JANE:

(RELIEVED, CALLS) Oh, come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... AL'S STEPS IN

AL:

Hello, Jane. Hiya, chicken! I was just about-- Hey, that bird's a little early for dinner, ain't he? ...

JANE:

Never mind the dialogue. (SLOWLY) Al, are you a man?

AL:

(AWKWARD PAUSE) ... Well, unless I forgot to take off my Halloween costume, yes! ... Why?

JANE:

Irma bought this live turkey and if Mrs. O'Reilly finds out about it, we're all dead ducks. So would you, er--? Kill it for us?

AL:

Who, me? Nothin' doin'. I ain't got nothin' against him. ...

JANE:

Al, don't tell me you're squeamish.

AL:

Cannot stand the sight of blood. Cut into a medium-rare steak one time; almost passed out. ...

JANE:

Don't blame the steak. It wasn't the blood you saw; it was the check! ...

IRMA:

Aw, no, Jane -- Al has a soft heart. I know because every time I think about him, I get the same feeling in my head. ...

AL:

Well, thanks, chicken. But I know what to do.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED BEHIND--

AL:

You see, in a case like this, there's only one man who can help us.

IRMA:

Who, Al?

AL:

Who else but--? (INTO PHONE, LOW) Hello, Joe? ... Al. Got a problem. Have to knock off a certain bird. What's my move? --- What? For a C-note one of your boys, Casual Casper, will do the job so it'll look like an accident? ... No, no, Joe. This is a feathered bird. A turkey. What do you advise? --- Uh huh. --- Uh huh. --- Uh huh. --- Mm hm. Thanks, Joe, and goodbye, noble friend.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

AL:

Well, your problem is solved, girls. All we have to do is spread bread crumbs around the electric fan. And when your little turkey-- ... When your little turkey starts pokin' his head around them blades, you turn on the switch; set the table! ...

JANE:

No, Al. I don't think I care for feathered wallpaper. ...

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Uh oh! This could be it! (CALLS NERVOUSLY) Who - who's there?!

KROP:

(FROM BEHIND DOOR) It's only me again -- Kropotkin.

JANE:

(RELIEVED, CALLS) Oh, come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... KROP'S STEPS IN

KROP:

Hello, Janey, Irma, and Allen. Oh, look, it's a turkey! For a minute, I thought it was Mrs. O'Reilly. ...

IRMA:

His name is George!

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES A GREETING)

KROP:

(TO TURKEY, POLITE) A pleasure. ... Girls, I don't want to be a wet blanket, but if Mrs. O'Reilly sees that bird and realizes she isn't looking in a mirror, she's gonna throw you both right out. ...

JANE:

We know that, Professor. Maybe you can help us, huh?

KROP:

Anything you want, Janey.

JANE:

Aw, I knew we could count on you. Will you kill the turkey for us?

KROP:

Certainly. It's simple.

IRMA:

Well, how are you going to do it?

KROP:

I'll tell him he has to share my room with me and he'll commit suicide. ...

JANE:

Well, I can see you're not going to be any help. Well, Irma, we have no choice. I know it sounds ridiculous, but we're going to put a leash around that bird's neck and you and I are going to walk him down to the butcher's shop.

IRMA:

Oh, but, Jane, I--

JANE:

Please, Irma! My mind is made up.

IRMA:

(RELUCTANTLY) All right. Come on, George.

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES SADLY) ...

AL:

So long, George. I'll be seein' ya Thanksgivin'. (MERRILY) You won't be seein' me, but I'll be seein' you! ...

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES A DISMAYED EXCLAMATION)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND ... FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, we managed to get the turkey out of the building without Mrs. O'Reilly seeing us. And now we're walking it down the street. Irma is leading the turkey on a leash.

IRMA:

Come on, Fido! Here, Fido!

JANE:

Irma, why are you calling "Fido"?

IRMA:

Well, we won't be conspicuous if people think it's a dog. ... Come on! Come on, Fido!

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES QUESTIONINGLY)

JANE:

Irma, can't you get that turkey to go faster?

IRMA:

No. I think he knows where we're going. He - he keeps pulling back.

JANE:

(UNCONVINCINGLY) That's silly!

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS STOP AND TRAFFIC OUT

IRMA:

(MOURNFULLY) Jane--?

JANE:

What?

IRMA:

He's looking at you.

JANE:

He is? (SHARPLY) I mean -- so what?!

IRMA:

He's got tears in his eyes. ...

JANE:

(UNNERVED) It - it's just your imagination. Now come on. There's the butcher's.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS RESUME

JANE:

Irma, please -- stop pulling on my skirt.

IRMA:

That isn't me. It's the turkey. ...

JANE:

It is?

IRMA:

Yes.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS STOP

IRMA:

Why don't you look at him?

JANE:

(EMOTIONAL) Oh, stop being so emotional! After all, it's only a turkey! I'd think I have no willpower if I allowed myself to be, uh--! (EXHALES, PAUSE, THEN QUIETLY) Irma--?

IRMA:

Yes?

JANE:

What's he doing now? ...

IRMA:

He's still staring at you and crying.

JANE:

(SHARPLY) Oh, this is ridiculous! We're behaving like children! Now, there's nothing to it. Come on, Irma.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS RESUME BRIEFLY ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

Here's the butcher. You take him in.

IRMA:

I can't. He trusts me. ...

JANE:

(EMOTIONAL AGAIN) Now, see here, Irma! If you think I'm gonna let a turkey make a fool out of me--! (EXHALES, THEN IN DESPAIR) Oh, Irma!

IRMA:

What, Jane?

JANE:

(LIKE A DESPONDENT WAIL) I think he trusts meeeeee, toooooo!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, we're back in the apartment: Irma, myself, and -- guess who?

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES HAPPILY) ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) That's right -- dear little George. So far, we haven't crossed paths with Mrs. O'Reilly, but it's only a matter of time. Irma, however, is quite calm about the whole thing. She's knitting. (TO IRMA) Irma, what are you doing?

IRMA:

I'm knitting some booties.

JANE:

Irma!

IRMA:

They're for George. ... I mean, Georgette. She just laid an egg. ...

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

(WORRIED) Oh! Quick, Irma -- put the turkey in the bathroom. This might be Mrs. O'Reilly.

IRMA:

Oh. All right, Jane.

SOUND:

IRMA'S HURRIED STEPS TO BATHROOM WITH TURKEY

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES EXCITEDLY)

SOUND:

BATHROOM DOOR SHUT ... IRMA'S STEPS RETURN

IRMA:

Okay, he's in the bathroom.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS, NERVOUSLY) Uh, come in!

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR OPENS

MRS. O:

Hello, Janey. I thought you had company. I heard a strange voice.

IRMA:

Well, that was me!

MRS. O:

You, Irma?

JANE:

Yes, it was her.

TURKEY:

(GOBBLES, FROM BEHIND BATHROOM DOOR)

IRMA:

Yes! There I go again. ... (GOBBLES) ...

MRS. O:

(SKEPTICAL) Irma, are you sure that's you?

IRMA:

Yes, I have hiccups. ...

MRS. O:

But it sounded like a bird.

IRMA:

Well, er-- I - I had eggs for breakfast. ...

JANE:

(DESPERATELY CHANGES SUBJECT, QUICKLY) Uh, Mrs. O'Reilly, tell me -- where did you buy that lovely hat?

MRS. O:

(SUSPICIOUS) I'm not wearin' a hat!

IRMA:

And it's very becoming.

MRS. O:

(FURIOUS) Don't change the subject! I know what's going on! You've got somethin' in that bathroom! And I'm going to find out what it is right now!

SOUND:

MRS. O'S STEPS TO BATHROOM DOOR, WHICH OPENS

IRMA:

(QUIET GASP)

JANE:

(LOW) Well, Irma, get the suitcases. We might as well start packing.

SOUND:

MRS. O'S STEPS RETURN AND MOVE TO APARTMENT DOOR BEHIND--

MRS. O:

(APPROACHES) Oh, girls! Oh, will you ever forgive me for being so suspicious? The bathroom's empty. That sound must have come from one of the other apartments. I'll go see. Oh, and I'm so sorry I bothered ye.

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR CLOSES

JANE:

(BEAT, ASTONISHED) Irma--? Irma, I can't believe it! Let's look in the bathroom!

SOUND:

THEIR HURRIED STEPS TO BATHROOM

JANE:

Well, for goodness' sakes, you left the window open and Georgette has flown away. Irma, we're saved!

IRMA:

Well, this is terrible.

JANE:

What do you mean, terrible?

IRMA:

Who's gonna sit on the egg?! ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNOUNCER:

Your winning smile is a Pepsodent smile. Again and again, people have found: the smile that wins is the Pepsodent smile. That's borne out by the vote of thousands who tried new Pepsodent Toothpaste with Irium in a recent nationwide test. These people were given plain, unlabeled tubes of Pepsodent and were asked to compare it with the brands they were using at home. When their votes came in, Pepsodent won by the overwhelming average of three to one. These people say new Pepsodent tastes better, makes their breath cleaner, and their teeth brighter than any other toothpaste they tried. Remember, that's not just our opinion. That's what people say. They say it three to one. They've seen Pepsodent with Irium remove the film that makes teeth look dull, uncover new brightness in their smiles. Try it and you will see: the smile that wins is the Pepsodent smile.

MUSIC:

TAG ... CHANGES TO "STREET SCENE" THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, the day is saved. We still have no turkey for Thanksgiving, but at least we haven't been dispossessed by Mrs. O'Reilly who's so strict about her rule, "No pets." Irma, however, seems to be terribly concerned about this. (TO IRMA) Irma honey, what's troubling you?

IRMA:

Oh, gosh! Now I'm afraid to have Al come over. All we do is pet! ...

JANE:

(NARRATES, WARMLY) And, you know, talking about pets: Me, Jane Stacy, I'm happy to live a dog's life with My Friend Irma.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

"My Friend Irma" is produced and directed by Cy Howard. Parke Levy writes the script with Stanley Adams and Roland MacLane, and it's brought to you by Pepsodent Toothpaste with Irium, another fine product of Lever Brothers Company. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma, with Joan Banks as Jane. The part of Al was played by John Brown. Hans Conried was heard as Professor Kropotkin and Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly. Music was under the direction of Lud Gluskin. Don't forget, you'll be able to hear "My Friend Irma" on the big two-hour, star-studded Thanksgiving Day program over most of these stations.

2ND ANNCR:

Losses due to fires are at an all-time high and still skyrocketing. With preventable fires striking at the lives of our citizens, their homes, communities, and our forests, it behooves all of us to help prevent the destruction and loss which fire inevitably causes.

MUSIC:

IN BG ... UNTIL END

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

This is Wendell Niles reminding you to tune in one hour earlier next week and listen to "The Lux Radio Theatre" followed by the Pepsodent show "My Friend Irma." CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.