SMITH:

Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay -- and Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair -- bring you "Our Miss Brooks," starring Eve Arden!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

It's time once again for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks," under the direction of Al Lewis. Well, the weather's been pretty nice around Madison High School where our Miss Brooks teaches English. That is, up until last week. Then the gray clouds cascaded moisture, and the streets danced to the tune of Mother Nature's tears. It was as though some celestial goblet had overturned, caressing the earth with rivulets of heavenly champagne.

CONNIE:

(NARRATES) Or, as we say in my neighborhood, it was wetter than a drowned seal's mustache. ... The rain started Friday morning and while I was at breakfast with my landlady, she made a piercingly accurate observation.

DAVIS:

It's certainly coming down, isn't it? ...

CONNIE:

It sure is, Mrs. Davis. Great weather for ducks.

DAVIS:

I'll bet the farmers are glad, though.

CONNIE:

Yeah, it should be good for the crops.

DAVIS:

It'll keep the dust down, too. ...

CONNIE:

"It isn't the heat, it's the humidity." Now, how did that get in there? ...

DAVIS:

Would you like another cup of coffee, Connie?

CONNIE:

No, thanks, I have to get ready for school. Walter Denton's picking me up.

DAVIS:

Oh? Is your car in the shop again?

CONNIE:

No, but I wouldn't dare drive in this wet weather with my tires in such poor condition.

DAVIS:

What's wrong with your tires?

CONNIE:

I only have three. ...

SOUND:

CAR HORN HONKS, OFF

CONNIE:

Oh, that's Walter now. (CALLS) I'll just be a minute, Walter!

SOUND:

CAR HORN HONKS TWICE AS IF TO SAY "O-KAY" ...

CONNIE:

Will you help me into my rain clothes, Mrs. Davis?

DAVIS:

Certainly, dear. Here's your yellow slicker, right on this chair.

CONNIE:

Thanks.

SOUND:

SLICKER PUT ON

DAVIS:

And your nice yellow rain hat. (HAT PUT ON) Now -- you're all set.

CONNIE:

How do I look, Mrs. Davis?

DAVIS:

Simply divine, Connie. You look just like the trademark on a bottle of cod liver oil. ...

CONNIE:

Well, don't stand there. Throw a halibut over my shoulder. ...

SOUND:

CAR HORN HONKS, OFF

CONNIE:

(CALLS) I'm coming, Walter! (TO DAVIS) Well, goodbye, Mrs. Davis.

DAVIS:

Goodbye, Connie.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... CONNIE'S STEPS THROUGH POURING RAIN TO WALTER

CONNIE:

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Walter. What do you think of this weather?

WALTER:

Boy, it's certainly comin' down. ...

CONNIE:

It sure is, Walter. Great weather for ducks.

WALTER:

I bet the farmers are glad, though.

CONNIE:

Yeah, it should be good for the crops.

WALTER:

It'll keep the dust down, too. ...

CONNIE:

Well, there goes all our dialogue for the trip to school. ... Now if you'll help me open this car door, I'll-- Walter? Where's the top to your car?

WALTER:

In my garage. I always take it down in weather like this.

CONNIE:

You do?

WALTER:

Yes, ma'am. It leaks! ...

CONNIE:

Oh, well, that explains it. We wouldn't want to ride with a leaky top. ... Might get the rain all wet. ...

WALTER:

Get in, Miss Brooks. I've got this Turkish towel to throw over our heads.

CONNIE:

Why spoil it? There's nothing like driving in an open convertible and listening to the pitter-patter of rain drops on your nose. ...

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS CONNIE CLIMBS IN

WALTER:

The towel isn't just for us, Miss Brooks. I've got to protect my electrical shop homework. Here, hold it, will ya?

SOUND:

CAR ENGINE STARTS ... RUNNING AUTO IN BG

CONNIE:

I don't want to seem nosy, Walter, but what is this contraption? It's got wires and tubes all over it.

WALTER:

Oh, that's my homework, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

What are you studying, "Frankenstein One"? ...

WALTER:

No, that's my project for shop. It's an SCR shortwave radio receiver.

CONNIE:

A radio receiver? Where'd you get it?

WALTER:

I built it. That was my project. The electrical shop furnished most of the materials and I did the rest.

CONNIE:

Oh, that's wonderful. You kids who are going to school nowadays are certainly fortunate. Just think of it -- building your own radios. When I went to school all I built was an inferiority complex. ...

WALTER:

Aw, it wasn't so tough. Of course I had to solder a lot of wires in back there, but it turned out pretty good.

CONNIE:

What's this thing that's sticking out between the tubes that looks like a banana?

WALTER:

It's a banana. ... You see, Miss Brooks, I put my lunch in there to keep it dry. ...

CONNIE:

I wish I could get in there. This Turkish towel is getting to be a Turkish bath.

SOUND:

CAR PULLS TO A STOP

CONNIE:

Why are you stopping, Walter?

WALTER:

I promised to pick up Harriet Conklin this morning, too. Look -- there's our beloved principal standing next to the house. (CALLS) Good morning, Mr. Conklin! How do you like the rain?!

CONKLIN:

(OFF, GLOOMY) I loathe it, Denton, thank you. ...

WALTER:

What's wrong with a little rain?

CONKLIN:

Every time it rains, all manner of weird creatures are washed from their natural habitat under stones and come slithering into my driveway. ...

CONNIE:

(PLEASANTLY) And good morning to you, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

(SURPRISED) Oh! Oh, Miss Brooks. Oh, for a moment there, I thought Denton had picked up a hitchhiking halibut fisherman. ... My daughter will be out in a moment, young man. Meanwhile, please remove that junk heap from my driveway. I'm expecting a furniture van at any moment.

CONNIE:

Oh, what kind of furniture are you getting, Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

It's custom-built malaika bamboo. At long last, I'm realizing a dream of mine: to furnish our little glassed-in sleeping-porch as a sort of tropical lanai, a place to which I can retreat from the rigors of my daily routine.

WALTER:

Oh, I don't know, I think bamboo furniture's kind of icky myself. ...

CONKLIN:

(SLOW AND SNIDE) Oh, you do? ... (POLITE) And, er, what is your opinion of it, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

(HESITANT) Well, sir--

CONKLIN:

(INSISTS) I'm asking your opinion, Miss Brooks. What do you think of bamboo furniture?

CONNIE:

Well, personally, I'm not too crazy about it.

CONKLIN:

(BEAT) When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. ...

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... HARRIET'S STEPS IN

HARRIET:

Hi, daddy! Oh, good morning, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

Hello, Harriet. Come on, get in.

SOUND:

CAR DOOR SHUTS AND ENGINE STARTS BEHIND--

HARRIET:

So long, daddy. Be sure they get the furniture in out of the rain.

CONKLIN:

I will, Harriet. Just to know it's coming makes me feel good all over. My own Shangri-La! Aloha, one and all! (SNEEZES EXTRAVAGANTLY)

CONNIE:

Bali H'ai and gesundheit. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... BRIEFLY QUOTES RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN SONG "BALI H'AI" ... THEN MORE BRISK

SOUND:

CONNIE AND WALTER'S STEPS IN SCHOOL HALLWAY

WALTER:

Would you do me a favor, Miss Brooks? I don't have shop class till the afternoon and I have biology this morning, so would you mind parking this radio in Mr. Boynton's lab for me?

CONNIE:

But why should I go into Mr. Boynton's lab?

WALTER:

(AMUSED) Well, because you've got ten minutes before your class starts and you always manage to sneak in--

CONNIE:

(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) All right, Walter. ... I'll do it for you as a favor.

WALTER:

Thanks, Miss Brooks. Here it is. Now, be careful of it now. (MOVING OFF) I'll see you later.

CONNIE:

Goodbye, Walter.

SOUND:

WALTER'S STEPS AWAY ... THEN CONNIE'S STEPS TO BOYNTON'S DOOR, WHICH OPENS

CONNIE:

Hello, Mr. Boynton. May I leave this radio for Walter Denton? It's his shop homework.

BOYNTON:

Oh, certainly, Miss Brooks. Just put it down on that table.

CONNIE:

Thanks. He'll pick it up next period.

SOUND:

RADIO SET DOWN ON TABLE

CONNIE:

There.

BOYNTON:

Say, that's quite a rain costume you've got on.

CONNIE:

Oh, do you like it?

BOYNTON:

Yes, indeed. It's just the kind I want. I'll bet it makes a wonderful outfit for halibut fishing. ...

CONNIE:

(HALF TO HERSELF, RESIGNED) There's no use talking, I'll have to burn it. ... (TO BOYNTON) I hope I'm not keeping you from any work, Mr. Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Well, I--

CONNIE:

(INTERRUPTS) Good! (CHUCKLES) ... Then we can chat for a few minutes.

BOYNTON:

Very well, Miss Brooks, let's do that.

CONNIE:

All right.

BOYNTON:

Okay.

CONNIE:

(PAUSE) Well, if it's checked around to me, I'll have to open. ... Where do you stand on rain, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

Rain? Well-- Well, by and large, I'd say that rain is quite beneficial to most forms of plant life.

CONNIE:

You'll never be investigated for that remark. ... What I meant was, don't you think it's rather early in the year for such a cold, driving rain?

BOYNTON:

Not at all, Miss Brooks. Our climatic conditions are undergoing a slow but steady change. It's something of a meteorological phenomenon. Why, do you realize that at this very moment the equatorial belt is slipping slowly southward?

CONNIE:

Well, I'll turn my back; you tighten it up. ...

BOYNTON:

No, no. What I'm trying to say is that the warm weather, which we in the temperate zone have long enjoyed, is moving further south every year. It's entirely possible that in the future our area may be engulfed in icy Arctic weather.

CONNIE:

How far in the future?

BOYNTON:

Oh, possibly ten thousand years.

CONNIE:

Good. I should be finished knitting my mittens by then. ... Unless I drop a stitch or two.

SOUND:

KNOCKING ON DOOR

BOYNTON:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... HARRIET'S STEPS IN

HARRIET:

Excuse me, Mr. Boynton, but I've got a message for Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

How did you happen to look for me here, Harriet?

HARRIET:

(AMUSED) You're kidding of course! ... Daddy just called and said he'd be delayed with the furniture a while longer and asked me to monitor your class while you sit in his office till he gets here.

BOYNTON:

Well, congratulations, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

What'd I do?

BOYNTON:

This makes you acting principal of Madison.

HARRIET:

That's right, Miss Brooks. I guess daddy didn't realize what he was doing. I mean-- ... Well, all you have to do is answer some phone calls.

BOYNTON:

If you'll excuse me, I've got to stop in at the supply room for a moment. (LIGHTLY) That is, with your permission, Miss Acting Principal.

CONNIE:

Granted! (CHUCKLES)

BOYNTON:

(MOVING OFF) I'll just be a few minutes. See you later.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, BOYNTON'S STEPS AWAY ... THEN DOOR CLOSES

HARRIET:

Isn't this Walter's radio, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Yes, it is.

HARRIET:

It's a complicated-looking thing. Let's see if it works.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF RADIO SWITCHED ON ... THEN BUZZ OF STATIC, IN BG

CONNIE:

It's pretty close to our first class, Harriet.

MUSIC:

ON RADIO, OLD-FASHIONED MARCHING BAND PLAYS A CORNY "THERE'LL BE A HOT TIME IN THE OLD TOWN TONIGHT" ... IN BG

HARRIET:

Listen! Oh, this is swell reception.

CONNIE:

What do you know? Guy Lombardo. ...

HARRIET:

Keen arrangement, isn't it?

MUSIC:

BAND OUT ABRUPTLY FOR--

VOICE:

(URGENT) And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a special weather bulletin.

CONNIE:

Oh, good. Maybe the rain's going to stop.

VOICE:

Attention, everyone. This is an important announcement. Local weather authorities have just notified us that the barometer is falling rapidly and a hurricane is approaching from the southwest!

HARRIET:

Miss Brooks, did you hear that? A hurricane!

VOICE:

Reports indicate that winds measuring up to one hundred fifty miles per hour will strike this area within the hour. Please do not become panicky, but go immediately to places of safety.

CONNIE:

Mr. Boynton said our climate was changing, but this is ridiculous.

VOICE:

Industries will secure all machinery in their plants and schools will shut down at once.

HARRIET:

Did you hear that, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Of course I heard it. I'm listening louder than you are. ...

VOICE:

I repeat-- (REPEATS THE ANNOUNCEMENT, CONTINUES INDECIPHERABLY IN BG)

HARRIET:

Well, are you gonna shut down the school?

CONNIE:

I have no authority to do anything like that.

HARRIET:

Why, of course you have. You're acting principal, aren't you?

CONNIE:

But you know your father. He'll be furious if I take such a drastic step. I'd better call him.

HARRIET:

Well, there's no time for that now. Everyone's in great danger.

CONNIE:

Well, then we'd better ask Mr. Boynton's advice. Come on, Harriet. (MOVING OFF, CALLS) Mr. Boynton? Mr. Boynton?

SOUND:

HARRIET AND CONNIE'S STEPS AWAY ... DOOR CLOSES

VOICE:

(UP) We will stay on the air and bring you further reports and advice as the hurricane approaches. This is Dudley Harrington, speaking to you from Station D-U-M, situated in the heart of downtown Bombay, India. ...

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE--

SINGERS:

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Colgate Dental Cream --
It cleans your breath --
(What a toothpaste.)
While it cleans your teeth!
Colgate Toothpaste --
Cleans your breath --
(What a toothpaste.)
While it cleans your teeth!

ANNOUNCER:

Colgate Dental cream cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth.

SMITH:

And the Colgate way stops tooth decay best.

ANNOUNCER:

More than two years' research showed the Colgate way of brushing teeth right after eating helps stop more decay for more people than ever before reported in dentifrice history. Yes, the Colgate way stopped tooth decay best -- better than any other home method of oral hygiene.

SMITH:

No other toothpaste or powder, ammoniated or not, has proof of such results. And you should know that Colgate's -- while not mentioned by name -- was the only toothpaste used in the research on tooth decay recently reported in Reader's Digest. Yes, Colgate Dental Cream, and only Colgate Dental Cream, was used in this research.

ANNOUNCER:

So always use Colgate's to clean your breath while you clean your teeth. And when you follow the Colgate way...

SMITH:

...Colgate Dental Cream stops tooth decay best.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE--

SINGERS:

Brush your teeth with Colgate's --
Colgate Dental Cream --
It cleans your breath --
(What a toothpaste.)
While it cleans your teeth!

SMITH:

And the Colgate way stops tooth decay best.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Well, when Mr. Conklin put Miss Brooks in temporary charge of Madison High School, he had no idea what a crisis would arise in his absence. Not knowing it's from Bombay, Miss Brooks is taking the hurricane report she heard on Walter Denton's radio quite seriously.

SOUND:

WALTER'S STEPS APPROACH

WALTER:

Hiya, Miss Brooks! Did you put my radio in the biology lab?

CONNIE:

Yes, I did, Walter. I also turned it on and heard a report from the local weather authorities that's got me in a tizzy. And I don't "tiz" easily. ...

WALTER:

What is it? More rain comin'?

CONNIE:

Oh, it's worse than that. There's a hundred-and-fifty-mile hurricane approaching from the southwest.

WALTER:

Well, blow me down.

CONNIE:

It will, if we don't get out of here. ... I sent Harriet into her father's office to call him up at home and I'm trying to locate Mr. Boynton.

WALTER:

Maybe I can help you.

CONNIE:

Maybe you can. And when you find him, tell him about the hurricane and bring him to the principal's office at once.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

HARRIET:

It's no use, Miss Brooks. Our phone at home is still busy.

CONNIE:

I guess your mother's doing her shopping on the phone on account of the rain.

HARRIET:

No, mother's spending the day with Aunt Bertha. Mother's her favorite sister, you know, and mother's crazy about Aunt Bertha, too. I guess it's because she was an only child.

CONNIE:

Your mother's sister was an only child, Gracie? Er, Harriet. ...

HARRIET:

Yes, ma'am. She was the only child until mother was born. ... We haven't much more time, Miss Brooks. The radio said--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

WALTER:

Here he is, Miss Brooks!

BOYNTON:

What's all this about a hurricane?

CONNIE:

It's true, Mr. Boynton. It came over the radio.

HARRIET:

I heard it, too. The man said it was due to strike this vicinity in an hour.

BOYNTON:

What man said that, Harriet?

HARRIET:

The announcer.

BOYNTON:

How do you know he meant this vicinity?

CONNIE:

It's very simple, Mr. Boynton. He said he was quoting local weather authorities. Now, if I'm responsible for the students in this school, I'd better see that they all reach their homes before the storm hits.

WALTER:

You mean you're closing the school? Hot dog! ...

BOYNTON:

Miss Brooks, you can't do that.

HARRIET:

She's got to!

BOYNTON:

But this is a very radical step to take. I don't know if I agree with such a procedure.

CONNIE:

You seem to forget, Mr. Boynton. I'm acting principal of this institution.

BOYNTON:

Oh, my - my apologies, Miss Brooks. You're absolutely right. As principal, your authority exceeds mine in this matter. I await your command. ...

CONNIE:

At ease. ... Smoke if you like. ... Walter, you tell the other teachers to dismiss their classes in an orderly fashion and caution them of the approaching storm.

WALTER:

Yes, sir! Right away!

CONNIE:

(DRY) Thank you, ma'am. ...

HARRIET:

Please hurry, Walter. You have to drive us over to daddy's when you come back. We can't reach him by phone and he's got to be told what's happening.

WALTER:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, Harriet.

HARRIET:

It's kind of exciting, isn't it, Miss Brooks? We'll all go over together and--

CONNIE:

All but me, Harriet. As acting principal of this great institution, I feel it's my duty to stay right here and go down with the school. ...

BOYNTON:

No, no, no -- you're going right with us, Miss Brooks.

HARRIET:

Why, of course you are. You've got to report to daddy. We'll lock the house up tight and see that every-- Oh, dear! What if the hurricane hits before we get to the house? What'll you do then, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

What can I do? I'll let it blow and lash myself to Mr. Boynton. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

WALTER, CONNIE, BOYNTON, AND HARRIET'S STEPS APPROACH THE CONKLIN HOUSE

BOYNTON:

I hope your dad doesn't mind our barging in on him like this, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Well, it's an emergency, Mr. Boynton. He'll understand. Come on, he's probably in his lanai.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... THEIR STEPS IN

HARRIET:

(CALLS) Daddy?! I'm home! (TO THE OTHERS) That's funny -- he isn't in here.

WALTER:

No, but the new furniture is. Get a load of this bamboo wilderness! ...

BOYNTON:

It is an odd-looking room, isn't it? How do you like it, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Now I know where old fishing poles go when they die. ...

MUSIC:

FROM WALTER'S RADIO, OLD-FASHIONED BAND PLAYS A CORNY EARLY JAZZ TUNE ... THEN IN BG

CONNIE:

What's that?

WALTER:

I brought my radio along, Miss Brooks. It'll help while away the hours we have to stay holed up here. Hey, care to dance, Harriet?

CONNIE:

Walter Denton, I'm surprised at you. How can you ask anyone to dance with a hurricane coming any minute?

WALTER:

Oh, I'm sorry. It was pretty silly, I guess.

CONNIE:

It was positively inane. Care to dance, Mr. Boynton? ...

HARRIET:

You'd better turn that thing off, Walter.

MUSIC:

OUT ABRUPTLY ... RADIO TURNED OFF

HARRIET:

I'm going into the next room and see if daddy's there. That's his den.

CONNIE:

I don't hear any growling. ...

BOYNTON:

Be sure and tell him we're here, will you, Harriet?

WALTER:

I hope he doesn't get angry because Miss Brooks shut down the school.

CONNIE:

Why should he get angry? I merely did my duty.

HARRIET:

Come on, let's all go in.

CONNIE:

No, Harriet, you go in alone. He wouldn't hit a relative. ...

HARRIET:

Well, I'll just be a minute.

SOUND:

HARRIET'S STEPS TO INNER DOOR, WHICH OPENS ... HARRIET'S STEPS FADE OFF INTO DEN

HARRIET:

(OFF) Hello, daddy.

CONKLIN:

(OFF, ANNOYED) Harriet! What are you doing home? What's the meaning of this?

HARRIET:

(OFF) Now take it easy, daddy. Wait till I close this door.

SOUND:

INNER DOOR CLOSES

BOYNTON:

This'll probably come as something of a shock to Mr. Conklin.

CONNIE:

I wonder how he'll react to my closing down the school. Let's keep quiet and listen.

SOUND:

BEHIND DOOR, INDISTINCT MURMUR OF HARRIET AND CONKLIN'S VOICES ... THEN--

CONKLIN:

(BEHIND DOOR, EXPLODES IN FURY) She shut down the school?! ...

SOUND:

INNER DOOR OPENS ... CONKLIN'S STEPS IN

CONKLIN:

(FURIOUS) Miss Brooks! How could you possibly--?!

BOYNTON:

(CHEERFUL) I'm here, too, Mr. Conklin, hello.

CONKLIN:

(POLITE) Hello. ... (FURIOUS AGAIN) Miss Brooks, how could you possibly--?!

WALTER:

(CHEERFUL) Hello, Mr. Conklin!

CONKLIN:

(POLITE) Hello. ... (FURIOUS AGAIN) Miss Brooks, how could you possibly--?!

CONNIE:

(CHEERFUL, LITTLE GIRL'S VOICE) Hello, Mr. Conklin! ...

CONKLIN:

(FURIOUS) Hello! ... How could you shut down my school in the middle of the day?!

CONNIE:

But, sir, there's a hurricane coming. We heard it on the radio.

WALTER:

(EXCITED) Yes, that's right, Mr. Conklin! Harriet told me all about it! There's a hurricane blowing in from the--!

CONKLIN:

(INTERRUPTS, FURIOUS) Shut up!

WALTER:

(MEEKLY) --southwest. ...

CONKLIN:

I've never heard such a batch of unmitigated jabberwocky in all my days. How could a hurricane possibly get this far into the United States?

CONNIE:

Smugglers? ...

CONKLIN:

Don't be impertinent, Miss Brooks. Boynton, you always seemed to be a person of average intelligence. How could you allow this - this - this madwoman to shut down my school on a ridiculous assumption?

BOYNTON:

But it isn't an assumption, Mr. Conklin. Miss Brooks heard the warning on the radio.

HARRIET:

So did I, daddy.

CONNIE:

And there's no time to waste if we're to get ready for it. Walter, go close all the windows.

WALTER:

Yes, ma'am.

CONKLIN:

Denton come back here. This happens to be my domain. I'll give the orders here.

WALTER:

Yes, sir.

CONKLIN:

Go close all the windows. ... I just don't want the rain to ruin things. Hurricanes, indeed!

CONNIE:

But, Mr. Conklin, we heard--

CONKLIN:

I don't want to hear any more about it. It's too late to call the students back to school, I suppose, but if anything like this ever happens again--!

HARRIET:

(INTERRUPTS) Please, daddy! Miss Brooks, turn on the radio. Maybe there's another weather report coming on. That'll convince him.

CONNIE:

Right, Harriet.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF RADIO SWITCHED ON ... STATIC BUZZES, IN BG

VOICE:

--heavy rain squalls and extreme turbulence. All citizens, attention! The following precautionary measures are urged by local authorities for the protection of life and property during the approaching hurricane.

CONKLIN:

I said I don't want to hear any more about-- Who said that?!

HARRIET:

Well, the man on the radio, daddy. Listen.

VOICE:

Please follow these emergency measures to the letter. First, precautions against flying glass from wind-shattered windows: board up all windows! I repeat, board up all windows!

CONKLIN:

Did you hear that?! Well, don't stand around like a bunch of dummies! We've got to board up all the windows! ... Luckily, I've got my tool kit handy. I was going to saw some wood for the fireplace.

VOICE:

The most secure method of boarding up windows is by using bamboo shoots. ... I repeat, board up your windows with bamboo.

BOYNTON:

Bamboo?

CONNIE:

Where in the world are we going to get--? (REALIZES) Bam-boooooo! ...

CONKLIN:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, no. ... Not my new furniture.

BOYNTON:

Well, this is an emergency, Mr. Conklin. You - you heard it yourself.

CONKLIN:

But I haven't even had time to sit in it yet!

CONNIE:

Well, take a fast bounce on that couch and we'll start chopping. ...

CONKLIN:

(SADLY) Oh, no, no, no. One moment. Just let me sit down for one moment.

SOUND:

CONKLIN SITS ON SQUEAKY BAMBOO COUCH

CONKLIN:

(A SOLEMN FAREWELL) Adieu, little couch. ...

CONNIE:

(QUICKLY) Time's up; on your feet, Mr. Conklin. Here's the toolbox, Mr. Boynton, let's get started.

BOYNTON:

I hate to do this, sir, but you know the necessity.

CONKLIN:

I'll turn my back. I can't bear to watch it.

SOUND:

QUICK SAWING ... THEN PIECE OF BAMBOO FALLS TO FLOOR

CONKLIN:

(LENGTHY GROAN) ...

CONNIE:

Would you like a bullet to bite on? ...

SOUND:

QUICK SAWING ... THEN TWO HEAVY PIECES OF BAMBOO FALL TO FLOOR

CONNIE:

Good work, Mr. Boynton! You've sawed the coffee table right in half! ...

CONKLIN:

Things are bad enough, Miss Brooks. We don't need a commentator. ...

CONNIE:

I'll give you a hand with the couch, Mr. Boynton. Pass me the ax.

SOUND:

TEN INCREASINGLY FAST AX BLOWS SPLINTER THE COUCH ... WITH EACH, A PIECE OF BAMBOO FALLS TO THE FLOOR

WALTER:

(APPROACHES) Miss Brooks, I've got all the windows shut and I-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Holy cow! The hurricane's already hit! ...

CONNIE:

We're cutting this bamboo to board up the windows, Walter.

WALTER:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Gosh, I've been missin' all the fun! Hand me that ax and stand aside! ...

BOYNTON:

Never mind that, Walter. Take this bamboo strip I've tacked together and nail it up against that window.

WALTER:

Yes, sir. Er, give me the hammer and a nail, Harriet, please.

HARRIET:

Here, Walter.

SOUND:

ONE HAMMER BLOW ... THEN ANOTHER ... THEN CRASH! OF BROKEN WINDOW GLASS

CONKLIN:

(BEAT, EXPLODES) Judas Priest! ... (LOW, UNHAPPY) What was that?

CONNIE:

Don't look now, Mr. Conklin, but you can pick flowers without opening your window. ...

SOUND:

WILD RADIO STATIC ... THEN IN BG

HARRIET:

Quiet, everybody. Some more instructions are coming over the air.

VOICE:

--Be sure to shut off all water pipes and lash down your ox carts. ...

CONKLIN:

(BEAT, PUZZLED, SLOWLY) Ox carts? ...

CONNIE:

New cars must be scarcer than we think. ...

VOICE:

Instruction number three! Attention, everyone! Disperse all natives to the hills! ... I repeat, after cautioning them to tie down the thatched roofs on their straw huts, disperse all natives to the hills!

BOYNTON:

What natives?

CONNIE:

Good question. ...

VOICE:

And now -- your last official instruction. Before you repair to your storm cellars, be sure to tether your elephants carefully! ... Remember, tether your elephants carefully.

CONKLIN:

Quick! Quick! There's not a minute to lose! We've gotta get outside and tether my elephant! ... (DOUBLE TAKE, AS IF STRICKEN) Elephant?! ... Mr. Boynton? Did that man say elephants?

BOYNTON:

I thought he did, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

But who keeps elephants?! ...

CONNIE:

Ever hear of Sabu? ...

VOICE:

This concludes our station broadcast until after the hurricane has passed. Good luck to you all from your friendly station, D-U-M, situated in the heart of downtown Bombay, India. ...

BOYNTON:

Bombay?

WALTER:

India?

BOYNTON:

Well, that-- (LAUGHS) That's a good one! Ha ha ha ha! The joke is certainly on us! We've been worried about a storm that's five thousand miles away.

CONNIE:

(LAUGHS) Can you imagine that? Five thousand miles. Oh, this is a scream.

BOYNTON & CONNIE:

(LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY)

CONKLIN:

(CHUCKLES DARKLY) Yes. Yes, yes, it's a panic. ... (STARTS CALMLY AND BUILDS TO AN EXPLOSION) Imagine. Closing down an entire high school and wrecking a roomful of furniture because of a report on some idiot's homemade radio telling of a hurricane five thousand miles away! ...

CONNIE:

Calm down. Your high blood pressure.

CONKLIN:

(WITH RESTRAINT) Your concern for my blood pressure is touching, Miss Brooks, but I'd rather you concern yourself with what I'm to do about these slivers of bamboo that you've left me with.

CONNIE:

Please, Mr. Conklin, you can make a fortune with those slivers.

CONKLIN:

A fortune?! How?!

CONNIE:

When the flying saucers land, you can clean up selling bamboo canes to those little men.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Eve Arden returns in just a moment, but first--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight -- yes, tonight -- show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. Lustre-Creme, world's finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives you Kay Daumit's magic blend of secret ingredients, plus gentle lanolin. Better than a soap, better than a liquid. Lustre-Creme is a dainty creme shampoo, leaves hair three ways lovelier; fragrantly clean; free of loose dandruff; glistening with sheen; soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, Lustre-Creme lathers instantly. No special rinse needed after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. So gentle, Lustre-Creme is wonderful even for children's hair. Tonight -- yes, tonight! -- try Lustre-Creme Shampoo.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.
You owe your crowning glory to--
A Lustre-Creme shampoo.

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now once again here is Eve Arden.

ARDEN:

If you are concerned about the threat of communism, you should know this fact: the Crusade for Freedom, an organization headed by General Lucius Clay, needs your financial and moral assistance in the support of Radio Free Europe. This is a private radio station now working to bring to communist-dominated European countries the voices of their exiled leaders. Help Radio Free Europe by joining the Crusade for Freedom in your town.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN BEHIND SMITH--

SMITH:

This is Verne Smith reminding you to tune in next week for another "Our Miss Brooks" show, brought to you by Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft glamorous caressable hair, and Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay.

ANNOUNCER:

"Our Miss Brooks," starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Berns, written by Al Lewis, with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Boynton is played by Jeff Chandler; Mr. Conklin by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Gloria McMillan and Dan Tobin.

MUSIC:

BRIEF TAG

2ND ANNCR:

Doctors prove Palmolive Soap can bring you a lovelier complexion in fourteen days. Yes, thirty-six leading skin specialists proved in tests on twelve hundred eighty-five different women that Palmolive Soap facials -- using nothing but Palmolive -- brought new complexion beauty to two women out of three. Just wash your face three times daily with Palmolive Soap -- each time for sixty seconds -- massaging Palmolive's beauty lather onto your skin. Then rinse and pat dry. So start your Palmolive facials today. Remember, doctors prove Palmolive Soap can bring you a lovelier complexion in fourteen days.

MUSIC:

THEME ... IN BG, UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

Be sure to hear "Mr. and Mrs. North" every Tuesday night on this same network, and be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks." Bob LeMond speaking. Stay tuned now for Jack Benny. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE