ANNOUNCER:

The Irene Dunne-Fred MacMurray Show!

MUSIC:

FANFARE ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Starring Irene Dunne as Susan--

MUSIC:

FANFARE ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

--and Fred MacMurray as George -- together in the gay new exciting comedy adventure, BRIGHT STAR!

MUSIC:

TAG ... THEN THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

The Irene Dunne-Fred MacMurray Show, starring Irene Dunne as Susan Armstrong, owner and editor of the Hillsdale Morning Star, and Fred MacMurray as her ace reporter George Harvey. If there's ever a dull moment, it's never found in the company of George and Susan. They're together now in Susan's living room, and the moment is anything but dull.

MUSIC:

UP AND FADES OUT

GEORGE:

I wouldn't care if you owned every newspaper in the United States and Canada! The answer is still no! I will not write a lovelorn column!

SUSAN:

Well, quite a few women have become famous writing lovelorn columns.

GEORGE:

Well, maybe you haven't noticed, but I happen to have a "mister" in front of my name.

SUSAN:

And quite a few men have made careers out of solving family problems and the like.

GEORGE:

Well, that's different. And I wouldn't do that either.

SUSAN:

Oh, George, you're just stubborn.

GEORGE:

I'm just a reporter. I'm a guy who gathers news and tries to make it sound interesting enough to read. I don't even know how to run my own life, much less advise other people how to run theirs.

SUSAN:

You can say that again, George Harvey.

GEORGE:

Nah, it's too long.

SOUND:

PATIENCE'S STEPS IN

PATIENCE:

(APPROACHES) Miss Susan? Er, do you want me to serve the dessert in here?

SUSAN:

No, thanks, Patience. I'm in no mood for dessert. You might ask Mr. Harvey.

PATIENCE:

Oh. Well, Mr. Harvey--?

GEORGE:

No, thanks, Patience, nothing.

PATIENCE:

Some soothing syrup maybe?

SUSAN:

And just what does that mean?

PATIENCE:

Oh, nothin' in particular. Thought maybe I'd pour some oil on the troubled waters.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

SUSAN:

There's someone at the door, Patience.

PATIENCE:

(MOVING OFF, SIGHS) Maybe they'll have some dessert.

SOUND:

PATIENCE'S STEPS AWAY

SUSAN:

Now, I'm warning you, George. I mean to have my way in this matter.

GEORGE:

Well, if you're so hepped on this column, why don't you write it yourself?

SUSAN:

Well, I like that! Isn't it enough that I'm the editor of the Morning Star?!

GEORGE:

Sometimes I think it's too much, and this is one of the times.

SUSAN:

George Harvey, I've taken just about all the insults from you that I care to. You're an egotistical, overconfident, overbearing, bullheaded male and there's nothing that I detest more!

GEORGE:

Now, Susan, let me tell you something--!

SOUND:

PATIENCE'S STEPS IN

PATIENCE:

(INTERRUPTS, DRY) Miss Susan, it's your Aunt Sophy, and she doesn't want any dessert either.

SOUND:

SOPHY'S STEPS IN

SOPHY:

Oh, Susan! Susan, my darling!

SUSAN:

(SURPRISED) Oh, Aunt Sophy -- wherever in the world did you come from?

SOPHY:

Well, from Pomona, Susan. You know where I live.

SUSAN:

But I mean how--? When--? Why--?

SOPHY:

Now, never you mind all that. We've plenty of time for a chat in the few days I'll be here. (SEES GEORGE) Oh. You might introduce me to the handsome young man.

SUSAN:

Oh, you mean George? (AN INTRODUCTION) Er, George Harvey, my aunt, Sophy Armstrong.

GEORGE:

(CURT) How do you do?

SOPHY:

Well, this is indeed a pleasure, Mr. Harvey. My, my! I hope my coming hasn't interrupted a tender moment between you two.

GEORGE:

No, not at all. We, er-- We haven't had a tender moment in quite a while. Well, I, er-- I guess I might as well be going.

SOPHY:

Oh, please, now! Don't run off on account of me.

GEORGE:

Believe me, it's not on account of you.

SOPHY:

Well, I always say, whenever two young people have a misunderstanding, it's always best to--

SUSAN:

(INTERRUPTS) George is in a hurry, Aunt Sophy. (POINTEDLY) He's starting a new column and he wants to finish it tonight.

SOPHY:

A columnist on a newspaper? Oh, isn't that wonderful? I always wanted to meet one.

SUSAN:

See there, George?

GEORGE:

I see nothing at all. One Armstrong or two, it doesn't matter -- my decision is final. (TO SOPHY, POLITE) Good night, Miss Armstrong.

SOPHY:

Good night, Mr. Harvey.

GEORGE:

(TO SUSAN, WITH FINALITY) Good night, Miss Armstrong.

SOUND:

GEORGE'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS AS HE EXITS

SUSAN:

Well, now that he's gone, Aunt Sophy, forgive me if I seemed a little upset when you came in.

SOPHY:

Susan, my darling, I understand everything.

SUSAN:

Well, now tell me -- when did you leave Pomona? And why didn't you write? And how long are you gonna stay? And--?

SOPHY:

(INTERRUPTS) You're in love with him, aren't you?

SUSAN:

With George?

SOPHY:

Mmm, I can tell. I've never been married myself, but I know more about love than you think.

SUSAN:

Look, dear, you must be extremely tired. I'll take you to your room and you can rest.

SOPHY:

(DISMISSIVE) Oh, rest indeed! Why, you must think I'm in my dotage. I'm going to sit right here, Susan, and you're going to tell me all about George Harvey.

SUSAN:

Well, there's really nothing to tell. He works for me. Reporter. Not a very good one. And - I detest him. (BEAT, WITH A YAWN) Really, Aunt Sophy, I'm deadly tired. (CHUCKLES)

SOPHY:

Good. I'll take you to your room, and you can get some rest.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CLINK! OF DISHES, UTENSILS ... PATIENCE'S STEPS IN

PATIENCE:

(APPROACHES) I thought I heard somebody down here.

SOPHY:

Well, good morning, Patience.

PATIENCE:

Good morning.

SOPHY:

You don't mind my fixing your breakfast, do you?

PATIENCE:

My breakfast?

SOPHY:

I'm used to an early breakfast and I thought I might as well prepare yours. Er, I suppose Susan sleeps late.

PATIENCE:

Oh, not too late. Seven-thirty or eight. She might stay in the sack longer this morning, though. She generally sleeps late after she's had a brannigan. She had another one with George just before you got here.

SOPHY:

Oh. Er, Patience, they're in love aren't they?

PATIENCE:

Now, that I wouldn't know.

SOPHY:

Ohhh, they are. I could see it the minute I walked in.

PATIENCE:

Your eyes must be better than mine.

SOPHY:

Those lovers' spats don't mean a thing, Patience. I always say, have your quarrels before you're married, and there'll be nothing left to fight about.

PATIENCE:

You know, the trouble with Susan and George is their pride. Neither one will budge an inch. You get two intelligent people like that on your hands and you've got a problem.

SOPHY:

Oh, it's really no problem, Patience. Not if you know how to handle it.

PATIENCE:

Well, I wouldn't try to handle it with rubber gloves on a ten-foot pole in each hand.

SOPHY:

Er, tell me. What are Susan's plans this morning? Will she go down to the paper directly she gets up?

PATIENCE:

Well, first she's got to stop at the tax assessor's office. Probably take all mornin'.

SOPHY:

Well, then you just tell her not to worry about me. I'll be moseying around town by myself.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

GEORGE:

Sammy, run down and see if the printers are playing gin today.

SAMMY:

Today's a poker game in the stock room.

GEORGE:

Oh, that's right. I don't feel like playing poker today. How 'bout a little gin, Sammy?

SAMMY:

Now?

GEORGE:

Sure, just the two of us. Just a quiet little game.

SAMMY:

For keeps?

GEORGE:

Well, naturally. Big operator like you--

SOUND:

SAMMY'S STEPS AWAY

SAMMY:

(MOVING OFF) So long, Mr. Harvey.

GEORGE:

Hey! Where are you going?!

SAMMY:

(OFF) I'm gonna wait till the day after tomorrow. Pinochle with the proofreaders!

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, OFF, AS SAMMY EXITS

GEORGE:

(TO HIMSELF, WITH A SHRUG) Oh, well. Solitaire isn't such a bad game. But there's no money in it.

SOUND:

INTERCOM BUZZES ... CLICK! OF SWITCH

GEORGE:

Yeah?

RECEPTIONIST:

(ON FILTER) Miss Sophy Armstrong to see you, Mr. Harvey.

GEORGE:

(PUZZLED) Sophy Armstrong? (REALIZES) Oh! Oh, yeah. Well, er, send her in, will ya?

RECEPTIONIST:

(ON FILTER) Yes, Mr. Har-- Why, she's gone!

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

SOPHY:

(OFF) I knew you'd see me, Mr. Harvey, so I didn't wait.

GEORGE:

Huh? Well, sure, come right in.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR CLOSES ... SOPHY'S STEPS IN

SOPHY:

(APPROACHES) I hope I'm not disturbing your wonderful column. That's the last thing I'd want to do.

GEORGE:

It won't work, Miss Armstrong. If you're here plugging for Susan's stupid idea, the answer is still no.

SOPHY:

You know, George I think Susan's idea is stupid, too. I've told her to forget all about it.

GEORGE:

(PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Well! Aunt Sophy, that's, er - that's mighty nice of you. Sit down, won't you? Make yourself at home.

SOPHY:

Well, thank you.

SOUND:

SOPHY SITS

SOPHY:

(EXHALES) My, my! What a wonderful office you have here. Now I know what Susan meant when she told me you had such an extremely keen mind.

GEORGE:

Keen mind? Susan said that?

SOPHY:

(YES) Mm-hmm. And that isn't all. She said it isn't often you find such intelligence in such a devastatingly handsome man.

GEORGE:

You - you're sure she was talking about me?

SOPHY:

That was right after she said that she'd give anything in the world if, er-- Oh, but I shouldn't go on telling you all these things. It's almost like tattling.

GEORGE:

No, no, Aunt Sophy -- go on. Tattle.

SOPHY:

Well, she said she wishes convention were a little different, that a woman could come right out and tell a man how much she admired him -- without seeming bold, that is.

GEORGE:

She's still talking about me?

SOPHY:

Oh, of course. We had a long discussion last night after you left.

GEORGE:

I - I never was much for convention myself -- it's sort of restricting -- but, er, you know something, Aunt Sophy? I never had the slightest idea that Susan felt so strongly about me.

SOPHY:

Well, of course, George, that's convention again. She could tell a woman, but she could never tell you.

GEORGE:

Well, what do you know? To think that all this time she was carrying a torch and she was afraid to let me see it.

SOPHY:

If you don't mind the advice of an old lady, George-- Take Susan to some romantic spot, choose the setting perfectly--

GEORGE:

Uh-huh?

SOPHY:

--create the proper mood. And you'll get the biggest surprise of your life.

GEORGE:

Well, I'll buy that, except for one thing.

SOPHY:

And what's that?

GEORGE:

The advice didn't come from an old lady, Aunt Sophy.

SOPHY:

(CHUCKLES) That's nice of you to say that.

GEORGE:

(AFFECTIONATE) Ah, it's the truth. If I hadn't met Susan first, who knows?

SOPHY:

(LAUGHS) Oh, George!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SUSAN:

Aunt Sophy, I've been worried about you all morning. Where have you been?

SOPHY:

Now, there's no need worrying, Susan. I can take care of myself. (CLEARS THROAT) Everything go all right at the tax office?

SUSAN:

Oh, just had to check an assessment. Did you have your lunch?

SOPHY:

Yes, thank you. I ate downtown. Oh, and by the way, I ran into that George Harvey this morning.

SUSAN:

George? Where'd you meet him? Coming out of some pool room?

SOPHY:

No, no -- as a matter of fact, he was in his office.

SUSAN:

You were at the Morning Star?

SOPHY:

Well, just looking around and I thought I might as well have a little chat with him, and I'm glad I did.

SUSAN:

(IRONIC) Well, I'm sure you learned a great deal from him.

SOPHY:

More than I should tell you perhaps.

SUSAN:

(SHRUGS) Doesn't matter one way or another.

SOPHY:

All he talked about was you, Susan. I'm sure that if I had such a wonderful man that crazy about me, I'd be a little more receptive.

SUSAN:

Crazy about me? George?! (CHUCKLES, HIGHLY AMUSED) Oh, that's ridiculous. (BEAT, MORE SERIOUS) Why? What did he say?

SOPHY:

Well, he said you were so beautiful and had such an extremely clever mind that most of the time when he was with you, he simply lost his nerve.

SUSAN:

Oh-- (CHUCKLES) Well, that's the first time I've ever heard of George Harvey without nerve. (BEAT, MORE SERIOUS) He - he said I was - beautiful?

SOPHY:

The most beautiful girl he had ever known.

SUSAN:

George said that about me?

SOPHY:

I've seen men in love, Susan, and George is a man in love.

SUSAN:

Somehow it's strange that he never told me any of these things.

SOPHY:

Well, the dear boy loses his nerve when he's with you. You, er-- You overpower him.

SUSAN:

(EXHALES) Oh, I don't!

SOPHY:

Perhaps if you'd give him a chance to say what's in his heart, you'd hear something very pleasant.

SUSAN:

Well, after all, I - I'm perfectly willing to listen to anything he has to say.

SOPHY:

Well, of course you are. Pick the spot -- some romantic place -- and you'll know what to do from then on, because you're a woman, Susan.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... SUSAN'S STEPS TO PHONE BEHIND--

SUSAN:

Excuse me, Aunt Sophy.

SOPHY:

Well, of course, my dear.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... GEORGE'S VOICE ON FILTER

SUSAN:

(INTO PHONE) Hello?

GEORGE:

(FRIENDLY) Hi, Susan! (UNCERTAIN) Well, er, how's every little thing out your way?

SUSAN:

(ALSO FRIENDLY) Oh, George! It's so good to hear your voice!

GEORGE:

Huh? Oh. Yes. Good to hear yours too, Susan. Er, got a little lonesome down here without you.

SUSAN:

I know what you mean. I miss being away from the paper.

GEORGE:

You - miss the paper?

SUSAN:

Well, you know what I mean.

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES, A LITTLE AWKWARD) Susan, I was thinking about tonight. Er, the country club. The weatherman says there'll be a moon and-- You and I--

SUSAN:

(DELIGHTED) Oh, George! That'll be wonderful.

GEORGE:

What have you got against nine o'clock?

SUSAN:

Nothing. Nothing at all.

GEORGE:

I'm there now in my best outfit.

SUSAN:

I'm waiting.

GEORGE:

I'll see ya, -- Susan.

SUSAN:

Goodbye, -- George.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN ... SUSAN'S STEPS TO SOPHY

SUSAN:

(THRILLED) It was George and I--! (REALIZES) Oh, dear! I forgot all about you, Aunt Sophy.

SOPHY:

Is something the matter?

SUSAN:

Well, I just made a date with George for tonight and I - I can't go and leave you here alone.

SOPHY:

Oh, now, don't you worry, my dear. Just call Patience for me.

SUSAN:

(EXHALES, CALLS) Oh, Patience! (PUZZLED, TO SOPHY) What do you want with Patience?

SOPHY:

Now, never you mind. I'm old enough to know how to take care of myself.

SOUND:

PATIENCE'S STEPS IN

PATIENCE:

Do you want me, Miss Susan?

SOPHY:

Yes. Patience, are you staying home tonight?

PATIENCE:

Tonight and every night. There's talk goin' around that I'm anti-social.

SOPHY:

Would you care to play some cards with me?

PATIENCE:

Hm, might be an idea. What kind of cards do you play?

SOPHY:

Oh, I play bridge, and rummy, and a little gin. How does that sound?

PATIENCE:

(CHUCKLES) It sounds like it could be interestin'. But you know somethin', Aunt Sophy? I had an idea that your favorite game - would be - hearts.

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

MUSIC:

SECOND ACT INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Now back to our two stars, Irene Dunne and Fred MacMurray, and the second act of our story. George and Susan are dancing at the Hillsdale Country Club. There's a soft moon, soft lights, soft music, and they're whispering softly to each other.

MUSIC:

UP AND FADES OUT

SOUND:

FADE IN COUNTRY CLUB BACKGROUND

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA PLAYS A SWEET DANCE TUNE ... IN BG

SUSAN:

Oh, this is heavenly, George.

GEORGE:

Yeah. Someday maybe I'll be a member here, then I won't appreciate it so much.

SUSAN:

How did you get in tonight?

GEORGE:

Guest of a member.

SUSAN:

I'm glad you know a member, George.

GEORGE:

A nice guy. Too old and dyspeptic to use his membership, though.

SUSAN:

You'll never be old and dyspeptic, George.

GEORGE:

Eh, you never can tell about that. Even now I run into days when I can't eat more than four meals.

SUSAN:

(LAUGHS WARMLY)

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA FINISHES ITS NUMBER

SOUND:

CROWD APPLAUDS

GEORGE:

Well, that's it, I guess. Back to the table, little lady -- right back where we started from.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS TO TABLE

GEORGE:

Listen, how about something to eat, huh?

SUSAN:

Food? Oh, who needs food on a night like this?

GEORGE:

(HUMS A BAR OF TUNE) Heh! Just feel like humming tonight, I guess.

SUSAN:

(LAUGHS WARMLY)

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES)

SUSAN:

(HUMS A BAR OF TUNE) Guess I feel like humming, too.

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES) There's nothing like humming, I always say.

SUSAN:

(LAUGHS WARMLY)

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT) Nice here, hm?

SUSAN:

Yes. Yes, it really is.

GEORGE:

It's probably always nice in a place like this.

SUSAN:

(CHUCKLES, BEAT) George?

GEORGE:

Yes, Susan?

SUSAN:

George, if there's anything you want to tell me-- Just anything at all--

GEORGE:

Tell you?

SUSAN:

Well, I know it's difficult to say what's on your mind sometimes, but don't feel that way now.

GEORGE:

Oh, there's nothing on my mind. It's - it's a blank. Just having fun, that's all.

SUSAN:

(REALIZES) Oh. I overpower you, don't I?

GEORGE:

(CONFUSED) You--? What was that again?

SUSAN:

Maybe it's my extremely clever mind, isn't it?

GEORGE:

Your--? Your what?

SUSAN:

Think of my beauty, George. Maybe that'll help.

GEORGE:

Help what?

SUSAN:

Oh, now look --- you can carry this timid little boy routine too far. How stupid can you get?

GEORGE:

Stupid? Heh! You certainly change your tune fast.

SUSAN:

What tune?

GEORGE:

Well, this morning I had an extremely keen mind, according to you. Now I'm stupid.

SUSAN:

I've never said any such thing about your mind.

GEORGE:

Now wait a minute, we're getting off on the wrong foot, Susan. I'm willing to let down convention, so you can tell me about the torch you've been carrying for me.

SUSAN:

I've been carrying a torch for you?!

GEORGE:

That's what Aunt Sophy said.

SUSAN:

Aunt Sophy--?! (REALIZES) Aunt Sophy. Wait a minute! I'm beginning to see through this.

GEORGE:

(ALSO REALIZES) Yeah. I think I'm a little ahead of you. Look, did she give you a song and dance about how I felt about you?

SUSAN:

Exactly! And she did the same thing to you about me.

GEORGE:

(MARVELS) She didn't miss. How do you like that little busybody?

SUSAN:

One of the oldest psychological tricks in the world. Well, thank heavens it didn't work on us.

GEORGE:

Yeah, you're darn right. We're too smart for that little snooper.

SUSAN:

To think that she'd have the nerve to - to try to arrange our lives. You know something? I'd like to teach her a lesson -- even if she is my favorite aunt.

GEORGE:

Yeah, it'd serve her right. Hey -- Susan, I've got an idea. Does she believe in divorce?

SUSAN:

Oh, good heavens, no.

GEORGE:

Perfect. Now, we'll let her think the plan worked, then I'll have some kid come in and pretend he's mine and want me to come back to my wife, and I'll refuse and insist on marrying you, and we'll let her stew in her own juice for a while.

SUSAN:

Oh, George, that's a great idea! Look, tomorrow night at my house--

GEORGE:

(YES) Check. I'll have everything ready. (CHANGES SUBJECT) Well, as long as we're here, how about another dance?

SUSAN:

Oh-- (LIGHTLY) No, I'm hungry now. Let's order.

GEORGE:

(AMUSED) Okay. (CALLS) Waiter?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

GEORGE:

There's no doubt about it, Aunt Sophy. You're the greatest little matchmaker in the world. Why, if it hadn't been for you, Susan and I would have gone along loving each other in silence.

SOPHY:

(CHUCKLES) You know, I knew the minute I saw you two together that all you needed was to have your eyes opened.

SUSAN:

Oh, George darling, now that my eyes are opened, you look more wonderful than ever.

GEORGE:

Oh, precious one! In all the world there is no such beauty as yours. What have I done to deserve such happiness?

SOPHY:

(CHUCKLES, GIDDY WITH DELIGHT) Do you plan to be married soon?

SUSAN:

Oh, the sooner, the better.

GEORGE:

To think of all the time we've wasted apart.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

SUSAN:

I'll answer it. (MOVING OFF) Patience took in a movie.

SOUND:

SUSAN'S STEPS TO DOOR

GEORGE:

Well, Aunt Sophy, someday I'll be able to tell you what all this means to me -- and to Susan.

SOPHY:

My dear boy, you don't have to tell me anything. The lovelight in your eyes is enough to make me happy for the rest of my life.

GEORGE:

(LAUGHS) I didn't think it was showing that much.

SOUND:

SUSAN AND SAMMY'S STEPS TO GEORGE

SUSAN:

It's someone for you, George.

SAMMY:

Daddy!

GEORGE:

(CASUALLY) Oh, hello, son. You're up late, aren't you?

SAMMY:

Mama sent me. She says you can't marry this woman because you're still married to her.

SOPHY:

(STUNNED) Wha--? Married?! Your son?!

SAMMY:

(PROUDLY) Yes, ma'am!

SOPHY:

(UNNERVED EXCLAMATION) Why--!

SUSAN:

(CASUALLY) I don't believe you ever told me you were married, George.

GEORGE:

Well, you know how it is, Susan. It just sort of slipped my mind. Well, I guess I'll have to run out to Reno for a few weeks and get a divorce. Er, you won't mind, will you?

SUSAN:

Well, of course not, darling. We're civilized people. The delay will be a bother, naturally, but, uh-- Oh, maybe I can go with you.

SOPHY:

(UPSET, NEAR TEARS) Reno?! Divorce?! Oh, Susan, Susan -- you're not serious! Tell me you don't mean what you're saying!

SUSAN:

But, Aunt Sophy, what else is there to do?

SOPHY:

Oh, this is too much! What have I done?! (MOVING OFF) Will you excuse me? I have a terrible headache! I'm going to my room!

SOUND:

SOPHY'S BRISK STEPS AWAY ... INNER DOOR CLOSES, OFF, AS SHE EXITS

SUSAN:

Dear, George, I hope we weren't too rough on her.

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES) Believe me, from now on she'll throw away her Cupid's darts.

SAMMY:

How did I do?

GEORGE:

You were magnificent, Sammy. Did you ever think of a stage career?

SAMMY:

I'm thinkin' of that five bucks ya promised me.

GEORGE:

Oh.

SAMMY:

Give!

GEORGE:

Well, Sammy, it would be a little inconvenient at the moment. Er, how 'bout waiting until payday?

SAMMY:

If I gotta, I gotta. But come payday, I'll be waiting at the cashier's window -- daddy.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND (CRICKETS, ET CETERA)

SOPHY:

Young man!

SAMMY:

Huh? (RECOGNIZES SOPHY) Oh. Oh, it's you.

SOPHY:

I've been waiting out here for you, my poor boy. I've had a chance to do some thinking, and I may be able to undo some of the evil I've done. Take me to your mother.

SAMMY:

My mother?!

SOPHY:

Sssshhh! We don't want them to hear us. I may be able to help you and your mother.

SAMMY:

But we don't want any help.

SOPHY:

Every boy should have a father.

SAMMY:

Oh, I got a father.

SOPHY:

And a father's place is in the home.

SAMMY:

Well, that's where pop is. He hardly don't go out at all.

SOPHY:

What did you say?

SAMMY:

Oh, I'm gettin' all mixed up. I didn't figure on nothin' like this when I said I'd do it.

SOPHY:

You mean George Harvey isn't your father?

SAMMY:

Well--

SOPHY:

Is he?

SAMMY:

No, ma'am, but don't let them find out.

SOPHY:

I see. (HALF TO HERSELF) So this is their idea of a joke. Well, maybe it won't seem so funny when I'm through. (TO SAMMY) Now, here's five dollars, young man. Promise you won't tell them that you've had this talk with me.

SAMMY:

Well, gee, I--

SOPHY:

Now, promise.

SAMMY:

Okay, but this is the last time I'm ever gonna try to be an actor.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

NEWSROOM BACKGROUND (TYPEWRITERS, TELETYPES, ET CETERA) ... SAMMY'S STEPS APPROACH

SAMMY:

(DRY) Good morning, daddy.

GEORGE:

What? Oh. Sammy, look, you better lay off that around here. Besides, the act's over.

SAMMY:

You won't forget payday, will ya?

GEORGE:

With you around, Sammy, I'm sure I won't.

SOUND:

GEORGE'S STEPS TO SUSAN'S OFFICE ... SUSAN'S DOOR OPENS

SUSAN:

(OFF) Good morning, George.

GEORGE:

Oh, hi, Susan.

SOUND:

SUSAN'S DOOR CLOSES, SHUTTING OUT NEWSROOM ... GEORGE'S STEPS IN

GEORGE:

Hey, how was Aunt Sophy this morning?

SUSAN:

She seemed in very good spirits. She's leaving tomorrow; I wanted to spend the day with her, but she insisted that she had some things she wanted to do by herself.

GEORGE:

I mean about our hoax -- the divorce and all that.

SUSAN:

Well, that's what I mean. She seems to be resigned to it, George. But she wants you to come out to the house again this evening.

GEORGE:

What for? Some kind of a lecture?

SUSAN:

No, she said she wanted to give us both her blessing.

GEORGE:

I - I've got a feeling maybe this has gone far enough. Maybe we should tip her off that we were just kidding.

SUSAN:

Well, I intend to before she goes, but-- No, it won't do any harm to let her worry a little longer.

GEORGE:

Okay, boss -- she's your aunt. Er, the invitation includes dinner, of course?

SUSAN:

Naturally. Aunt Sophy's probably at home now fixing up a special dish just for you.

GEORGE:

Good. I'll bring along a Geiger counter. She's liable to have a land mine in the stew.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOPHY:

Of course I can't honestly say that I approve completely, but then this is a modern age and perhaps I'm a little behind the times.

GEORGE:

That's right, Aunt Sophy. Some things are bigger than all of us put together, and this is one of those things.

SUSAN:

It happens every day, Aunt Sophy.

GEORGE:

Sure, all over the world.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

SOPHY:

I'll go. Patience is still busy with the dishes.

SUSAN:

But, Aunt Sophy, you don't have to answer--

SOPHY:

(MOVING OFF) I don't mind a bit.

SOUND:

SOPHY'S STEPS TO DOOR

GEORGE:

(TO SUSAN) It sounds like she's getting used to the idea.

SUSAN:

Maybe she's more modern than I gave her credit for.

GEORGE:

(AMUSED) Yeah.

SOPHY:

(OFF) Someone to see you, George.

GEORGE:

To see me?

SOUND:

MYRTLE'S BRISK STEPS IN

MYRTLE:

(APPROACHES, FURIOUS) This is the showdown, George Harvey!

GEORGE:

What?

MYRTLE:

Last night you promised to come right home from work, and you didn't! Well, tonight I followed you here. Now, you've got to make your choice!

GEORGE:

Hey, what kind of a gag is this?

MYRTLE:

Didn't you tell these people, George, that I'm your wife?

GEORGE:

My wife?! You're nuts. Now, whatever you're trying to pull--

SOPHY:

(INTERRUPTS) This is no way to treat the poor soul, especially if you're going to divorce her in Reno.

GEORGE:

(HELPLESSLY) Susan, you - you don't believe that this woman is my wife, do you?

SOPHY:

Why deny it when you're going to divorce her anyhow?

GEORGE:

How can I divorce her when I don't even know--?

MYRTLE:

(INTERRUPTS) If you think I'm going to give you a divorce, George Harvey, you've got another guess coming! I'll get the divorce myself, and she'll be the co-respondent!

SUSAN:

(UPSET) Now, wait a minute! You'll do nothing of the kind! I had no idea that he was leading a double life!

GEORGE:

(DESPERATE) Will you take it easy and let me prove that this - this dame's a fake?

SOPHY:

That's no way to refer to your wife in front of the woman you love!

MYRTLE:

Oh, I got the truth, don't you worry about that.

GEORGE:

Listen-- Listen, everybody, let's sit down and get to the bottom of this.

SOUND:

PATIENCE'S STEPS IN

PATIENCE:

(APPROACHES) Er, do you want the dessert served in here or--? Why, hello, Myrtle! What are you doin' here? How's Herman?

MYRTLE:

(UNEASY) I - I don't think I know you.

GEORGE:

Patience, do you know this woman?

PATIENCE:

Myrtle? Well, of course I know her. We used to work together in the factory.

GEORGE:

And who's Herman?

PATIENCE:

Her husband. Who else?

GEORGE:

Living?

PATIENCE:

(CHUCKLES) You could call it that.

GEORGE:

All right, Myrtle, start talking -- and it better be good.

MYRTLE:

(WITH A SHRUG) So it's a gag. I got a call through the employment agency to come out here and make like I was your wife for twenty-five dollars.

GEORGE:

Who called you?

MYRTLE:

That dame there. Hey, she's gone.

SUSAN:

(REALIZES) Aunt Sophy again!

MYRTLE:

Yeah, that's the one. She said it'd be a lot of fun and everybody'd have a good time. So nobody's hurt, are they?

GEORGE:

(GRIM) Susan, she's your aunt. Have you got any ideas?

SUSAN:

Yes, but I could go to jail for most of them! How about you?

GEORGE:

That's the trouble. Mine are all along the same lines. Er, do you have a straitjacket handy?

SUSAN:

Oh, George, now, Aunt Sophy isn't that far gone.

GEORGE:

Who's talking about Aunt Sophy? I want to slip into one myself!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

Our stars, Irene Dunne and Fred MacMurray, will return in just a moment.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

MUSIC:

BRIEF INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG

GEORGE:

Well, I guess I'd better be going. Just because Aunt Sophy is in her room, supposedly asleep, is no guarantee that she can't make more trouble.

SUSAN:

George?

GEORGE:

Yes, Susan?

SUSAN:

Those things that she said that we said about each other-- We could have said them, couldn't we? Maybe it was the truth all the time, and it took her to see it.

GEORGE:

Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I'd better be going.

SUSAN:

George?

GEORGE:

Hmm?

SUSAN:

It would make Aunt Sophy so happy if she thought her visit had done some good.

GEORGE:

Like what?

SUSAN:

Well, like opening our eyes maybe.

GEORGE:

Well, I'm the last guy in the world to disappoint a sweet little old lady. Ready for your eye opener?

SUSAN:

(YES) Mm-hmm.

GEORGE:

(PAUSE FOR A KISS, EXHALES) There.

SUSAN:

(BREATHLESS) Oh, George!

MUSIC:

UP FOR TAG ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

Irene Dunne and Fred MacMurray will be back next week in another exciting comedy adventure in the gay new series BRIGHT STAR. This is Wendell Niles inviting you to join us then.