KATHY:

Mo-ther? Is Maxwell House the best coffee in the whole world?

MARGARET:

Well, your father says so -- and your father knows best.

MUSIC:

FANCY HARP GLISSANDO INTO THEME (IRVING BERLIN'S "LET'S HAVE ANOTHER CUP O' COFFEE") ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's FATHER KNOWS BEST, transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young as Father -- a half hour visit with your neighbors the Andersons, brought to you by Maxwell House, the coffee that's bought and enjoyed by more people than any other brand of coffee at any price. Maxwell House -- always good to the last drop.

MUSIC:

UP FOR TAG ... THEN IN BG--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BRIEF INTRO ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

A father's a pitiful fellow,
Browbeaten, maligned, and oppressed,
But on Sunday his mood will be mellow:
It's the one day when father knows best.

That's right, neighbors, this coming Sunday is Father's Day, and in Springfield it's going to be quite an event. The white frame house on Maple Street is bustling with activity and as Jim Anderson steps through the front door we can't be quite certain as to whether or not he approves. But we'll find out, won't we?

SOUND:

HOUSEFUL OF NOISY MURMURING WOMEN ... CONTINUES IN BG ... FRONT DOOR SHUTS

JIM:

(CALLS) Margaret, I'm--! (TO HIMSELF) Hey, what's going on here?

MARGARET:

(APPROACHES, SURPRISED, NERVOUS) Jim, what are you doing home?

JIM:

Well, I just thought--

MARGARET:

You aren't supposed to be home until six o'clock.

JIM:

I know, honey, but there wasn't anything doing at the office and I figured-- What's going on in the living room -- a hog callers' convention?

MARGARET:

Why don't you go for a walk or something?

JIM:

I don't want to go for a walk.

MARGARET:

Why don't you run down to the drugstore and--?

JIM:

I don't want to run any place. I just want to sit. Now will you please tell me why the living room sounds like a weasel got into the hen house?

MARGARET:

(CONFUSED) What?

JIM:

(INSISTS) What is going on in the living room?

MARGARET:

Oh. Well, it's a surprise.

JIM:

(REPROVING) Honey, not again.

MARGARET:

Well, it isn't exactly a surprise, but-- Oh, Jim Anderson, one way or another, you always manage to spoil everything.

JIM:

What did I spoil now?

MARGARET:

That's the food and refreshment committee for the Father's Day outing.

JIM:

All right, I didn't-- Wait a minute, there must be a dozen women in there.

MARGARET:

(DEFENSIVE) There are only eight. ...

JIM:

That's the committee?

MARGARET:

For food and refreshments.

JIM:

But the whole outing was supposed to be for five or six families. What happened?

MARGARET:

(SLOWLY) Well, it grew.

JIM:

Honey, I said I didn't mind going on a picnic with people like the Hathaways and the Woodys, but if you think I'm going to spend Father's Day-- How many are there going to be?

MARGARET:

(EVASIVE) Well, uh, Norman and Harriet Franklin said they weren't sure, and Jane Overton said she'd have to ask Henry--

JIM:

(INSISTS) Margaret, how many people are there going to be?

MARGARET:

Including the children?

JIM:

Including everybody.

MARGARET:

Er, two hundred and twelve. ...

JIM:

Two hundred and twelve people?!

MARGARET:

That's without the Franklins and the Overtons--

JIM:

How did it get to be two hundred and twelve?!

MARGARET:

Well, Lucille Hathaway told a few of her friends and Dorothy Woody told a few of hers and--

JIM:

They told a few of theirs.

MARGARET:

Then of course when we got the boys' club to join--

JIM:

You got the boys' club? For Father's Day?

MARGARET:

Isn't it wonderful? We're making it a Father and Sons' Day.

JIM:

Honey, why don't you just give me a necktie? ...

MARGARET:

Everyone thinks it's a brilliant idea and they're talking about it all over Springfield. It's going so well.

JIM:

(HALF TO HIMSELF) The operation was a success, but the patient died. ...

MARGARET:

What, dear?

JIM:

Uh, nothing, honey. I was just-- I think I'll go into the den and lie down.

MARGARET:

(QUICKLY) Oh, no, you can't!

JIM:

I-- What?

MARGARET:

The contest committee's in there.

JIM:

The contest committee?

MARGARET:

Well, they have to think up all sorts of stunts and games. It's really quite important.

JIM:

Stunts? And games?

MARGARET:

You're going to have a wonderful time, dear, I know it.

JIM:

(UNCONVINCED) Yes. I, er-- I'd better go upstairs and lie down for a while.

MARGARET:

That's a good boy. (CALLS AFTER HIM) Oh, Jim, don't go into our room! I turned that over to the transportation committee!

JIM:

Yes, dear. I'll be sure not to go into our room!

SOUND:

JIM'S STEPS UP STAIRS, BEHIND--

JIM:

(DISGUSTED, TO HIMSELF) Father's Day! The best thing they could do with fathers on Father's Day is leave them alone. Stunts and games.

BETTY:

Hi, Father. What are you doing home?

JIM:

(SOUR) That's the second time I've been asked that. What's so unusual about my coming home? I come home all the time!

BETTY:

Pardon me. I was only trying to be pleasant.

JIM:

Man comes into his own home and what happens? He can't get into the den, he can't get into the living room, he can't get into his own bedroom!

BETTY:

You can't go into Bud's room, Father.

JIM:

Now see here, Betty--

BETTY:

But it's all full of hats and coats.

JIM:

Oh.

BETTY:

So's my room. That's why I have to study out here.

JIM:

Well, it could be worse, I guess. Right now I can't think how, but I suppose it could.

SOUND:

JIM'S STEPS AWAY ... THEN IN BG

BETTY:

Going downstairs, Father?

JIM:

(SARCASTIC) No, I'm trying to set a new record for the indoor ski jump. Tally ho! ...

BETTY:

(OFF, EXASPERATED) Jumpin' creepers!

JIM:

(TO HIMSELF) Am I going downstairs? What did she think I was doing -- deep sea diving? Am I going downstairs?

SOUND:

JIM'S STEPS OUT BEHIND--

BUD:

Hiya, Dad. What are you doing home?

JIM:

I-- ... Well, never mind. What are those?

BUD:

These? Oh, they're tickets.

JIM:

(BEAT) I see. You, er, wouldn't care to confide in me a little further, would you?

BUD:

Huh?

JIM:

What are the tickets for?

BUD:

They're for the picnic. You owe six and a quarter. ...

JIM:

For the Father's Day picnic?

BUD:

Sure.

JIM:

I'm being taken to a Father's Day picnic, but I have to pay six dollars and twenty-five cents. What for?!

BUD:

Five tickets. ...

JIM:

Bud, let me put it another way. We're taking our own lunch, right?

BUD:

Right.

JIM:

There's no charge for the picnic grounds, right?

BUD:

Right.

JIM:

Then who gets the six dollars and twenty-five cents?!

BUD:

Didn't I tell you about that? It gets split up. ...

JIM:

I see.

BUD:

Part of it goes to the boys' club.

JIM:

And the rest?

BUD:

(UNCERTAIN, AWKWARDLY) Er, the rest of it goes to the boys. ...

JIM:

Well, that's nice. That's what I call a very neat arrangement. ...

BUD:

Well, holy cow, Dad, we had to have some reason for going.

KATHY:

Hi, Daddy!

JIM:

(TO HIMSELF) So help me, if she says one word--

KATHY:

What are you doing home?! ...

JIM:

(PATIENTLY) Er, I'm going down to the basement.

BUD:

You can't, Dad. It's full of women.

JIM:

If your mother-- (DOUBLE TAKE) They're in the basement, too?! ...

BUD:

They're practically crawling out of the woodwork. ...

JIM:

(HALF TO HIMSELF) I don't know, women can be so wonderful. Why do there have to be so many of them? ...

KATHY:

I know a good place to hide.

JIM:

(ANNOYED) Nobody said anything about hiding. This is as much my home as it is anyone else's and if they think-- (RESIGNED) Where? ...

KATHY:

In back of the garage. You can't even hear them out there.

JIM:

In other words, you are suggesting that I run away?

BUD:

Yeah, like a coward.

KATHY:

(APOLOGETIC) Well, I was only trying to help.

JIM:

Kitten, you know what Voltaire said, don't you?

KATHY:

I do?

JIM:

"The coward flees in vain." Right, Bud?

BUD:

(CLUELESS, BUT PLAYS ALONG) Yes, sir, that's what he said! ...

JIM:

But, on the other hand, I remember another quotation which says, "'Tis not too late tomorrow to be brave."

BUD:

Where you goin', Dad?

JIM:

Out in back of the garage. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

OUTDOORS BACKGROUND (BIRDS WHISTLE AND CHIRP) ... SAM'S STEPS APPROACH

SAM:

(APPROACHES) Hello, Jim! What's the good word?

JIM:

Oh, hello, Sam. How go the homegrown radishes and tomatoes?

SAM:

(LIGHTLY) I don't know yet. The bugs haven't left one big enough to eat.

JIM:

(CHUCKLES)

KATHY:

Hello, Mr. Woody.

SAM:

Hello, Kathy; Bud.

BUD:

Hi, Mr. Woody.

KATHY:

We're hiding!

JIM:

(ADMONISHES) Kathy--

KATHY:

Well, you said--

JIM:

(TO SAM) We, uh, just came out to get a little fresh air, that's all. Sure is a beautiful day, isn't it, Sam?

SAM:

House full o' women, huh? ...

JIM:

(DRY) They're hanging from the chandeliers.

KATHY:

They are?! I didn't see anybody--

BUD:

Keep quiet, will ya?

KATHY:

Daddy said-- (REALIZES) Ohhh. Another joke, huh?

BUD:

Mr. Woody, if you haven't bought your tickets for the Father's Day picnic--

JIM:

Leave Mr. Woody alone, Bud.

BUD:

But if he's gonna buy tickets anyway--

SAM:

(AMUSED) It's all right, Jim. If I'm going to be hooked, it might as well be by Bud.

JIM:

Well--

BUD:

It's for a very worthy cause, Mr. Woody, and besides, they're giving away all kinds of junk. I mean, prizes. ...

SAM:

Say! Dorothy was telling me about some of those prizes and they aren't bad.

BUD:

That'll be three seventy-five, Mr. Woody.

JIM:

Just a second, Bud. Prizes for what?

SAM:

The various contests: three-legged races, sack races, the usual things.

JIM:

I wouldn't be caught dead in a sack race! Or a three-legged race, either.

KATHY:

Mrs. Phillips says they're not gonna have a three-legged race.

SAM:

I thought they were.

KATHY:

Well, Mrs. Phillips said she doesn't think there'll be enough people there with three legs. ...

JIM:

Well, that's logical -- for her.

BUD:

Mr. Woody, if you'd like to give me the three seventy-five now--

SAM:

You know, Jim, you might change your mind if you saw some of those prizes. They promoted a sixteen-millimeter camera and projector.

JIM:

(IMPRESSED) Huh! That's nice promoting.

KATHY:

They're gonna have a wheelbarrow race and the prize is six dozen golf balls.

BUD:

Mr. Woody, if you'd like to give me--

JIM:

Wait a minute. Is she on the level, Sam?

SAM:

That's right. I told you they'd gone all out.

JIM:

But six dozen golf balls--!

SAM:

You oughta see the prize they've got for the egg race -- four of the most beautiful matched woods you ever saw.

JIM:

You're kidding!

BUD:

Mr. Woody if you'd like--

SAM:

Not bad, huh?

JIM:

Matched woods. You know, maybe I'm gonna like this picnic after all!

BUD:

Mr. Woody--

JIM:

The only thing I don't like about it are those cockeyed contests. Why don't they have a drawing and get it over with? I'll be dead after the first race.

SAM:

That's exactly what I told Dorothy. I said it wasn't fair to you and some of the other older men.

JIM:

Get out there and-- ... (DOUBLE TAKE) What was that?!

SAM:

'Course, if they want to hand me the prizes, I don't mind, but I think they ought to give somebody else a chance.

JIM:

What was that crack about "older men"?

BUD:

Mr. Woody--

JIM:

Bud, will you please keep still?

BUD:

(EXASPERATED, LOW) Holy cow.

JIM:

(OFFENDED, TO SAM) You and I are the same age, and you know it. Where do you get that "older man" stuff?

SAM:

Jim, you were forty in February.

JIM:

So what?

SAM:

I wasn't forty until May. ...

JIM:

Oh, great.

SAM:

And besides, I've kept in condition. I haven't got soft and flabby.

JIM:

Who's soft and flabby?!

SAM:

Well, you said--

JIM:

I'm in just as good condition right now as you were the best day in your life!

SAM:

Is that so?

JIM:

Yes, that's so.

SAM:

Well, we'll find that out on Sunday, won't we?

JIM:

We certainly will. Bud and I will make you and that half-pint son of yours look like change from a two-dollar bill. Won't we, Bud?

BUD:

(HELPLESSLY) All I want is three dollars and seventy-five cents. ...

JIM:

And what's more, I'll just make a little side bet with you on every race we enter.

SAM:

That's a deal.

JIM:

Half a buck a race.

SAM:

You've got it. (MOVING OFF) Well, I'll see you Sunday.

JIM:

(CALLS AFTER HIM) Not if I can help it! I'll be so far ahead, you won't see anything but dust!

SAM:

(OFF) Is that so?!

JIM:

Yes, that's so! (BEAT, WITH CONTEMPT, TO BUD) Hm! Thinks he's so wonderful. "You and the other older men."

BUD:

Dad--?

JIM:

We're going to spend the next two days training, that's what we're going to do. We'll be in such wonderful condition, he won't know what happened to him.

BUD:

Dad--?

KATHY:

I can help you train, Daddy. I know where I can borrow a stopwatch!

JIM:

Tell me he's younger than I am!

BUD:

Dad--?

JIM:

I can run circles around him without even trying.

KATHY:

Are you gonna run in circles?

JIM:

Him and his radishes. Thinks he's so wonderful because he's got a few puny radishes.

BUD:

Dad--?

JIM:

Bud, what's the matter with you?

BUD:

You're standing on my foot. ...

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Ah, Father's Day. Let's hope this time Father really does know best. But, ladies, whether or not he overrates himself as an athlete, there's one thing you can't take away from the head of the house: Father's Day and every day, that man of yours always knows best about truly good coffee. Yes, your husband is the world's greatest coffee expert. It is true people call us experts, too. After all, more families buy our Maxwell House Coffee than any other brand. But when you brew the coffee for your husband-- Well, he's the expert with the final say-so. And tomorrow, if you'll fill his cup with the heartwarming goodness of Maxwell House Coffee, he'll surely smile and say--

HUSBAND:

Now that's really fine coffee.

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, ma'am! He'll say that, all right. In fact, we'll return your money if he doesn't. We're that sure he'll enjoy that famous good-to-the-last-drop flavor. You see, the Maxwell House recipe demands certain extra-rich coffees blended just so, and only Maxwell House has that recipe. No coffee tastes like Maxwell House because no coffee is made like Maxwell House. Tomorrow then, pour your husband a cup of wonderfully good Maxwell House Coffee. If he doesn't smile and say "best coffee ever," why, just send us the can and unused portion, and we'll refund your money. Our address is right on every familiar blue tin. Yes, serve the world's greatest coffee expert -- your husband -- coffee with the world's most famous flavor: our Maxwell House Coffee -- always good to the last drop.

MUSIC:

TAG ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

"The feathers in a lady's fan / Are not so frail as mortal man." That may be true, of course, but not so far as the Andersons are concerned. With the Father's Day picnic less than twenty-four hours away, the Andersons -- father and son -- are working like little beavers to achieve a veritable peak of physical perfection, and they spare nothing in their effort. Like this--

SOUND:

OUTDOORS BACKGROUND

JIM:

Up -- two, three, down. Up -- two, three, down.

KATHY:

That's a hundred, Daddy.

JIM:

Already? Okay, Bud, that's enough.

BUD:

Boy, am I tired.

JIM:

Tired? Why, we're only just beginning. What's next on the list, Kathy?

KATHY:

Pushups!

JIM:

All right, Bud, let's try forty or fifty pushups. Are you ready?

BUD:

Forty or fifty? Holy cow, Dad -- have a heart.

JIM:

Well, we'll try twenty-five for a start. Ready?

BUD:

(RESIGNED) I suppose so.

JIM:

Here we go. One, two, up, down.

KATHY:

Daddy?

JIM:

Not now, Kitten. One, two, up--

KATHY:

But I want to ask you something.

JIM:

Er, hold it a second, Bud. What is it, Kathy?

KATHY:

Did the army really make you promise you wouldn't do setting-up exercises?

JIM:

Well, it's a sort of private agreement I have with General Eisenhower. ... He doesn't sell any insurance and I don't do any setting-up exercises. ...

KATHY:

Golly! General Eisenhower!

JIM:

Where did we leave off, Bud?

BUD:

I don't know, Dad, but can I please rest for a while? I'm dead.

JIM:

All right, son. We'll take it easy for a few minutes.

BUD:

(RELIEVED) Oh, boy.

JIM:

I don't know what's gotten into this new generation. Why, when I was a boy I thought nothing of doing a hundred pushups.

BUD:

I don't think much of it myself. ...

KATHY:

Daddy?

JIM:

Yes, baby?

KATHY:

Is lying in a hammock really good exercise?

JIM:

Oh, it's the best! ... It, er, strengthens the back muscles. ... Why, I once knew an Olympic champion and he did all of his training lying in a hammock.

KATHY:

Gosh!

BUD:

Dad, I've got a great idea. Why don't we strengthen my back muscles for a while? ... I'll take the hammock and you--

JIM:

You're doing fine just the way we are, Bud. Er, Kathy, how would you like to run into the house like a good girl and see if your mother has any more iced coffee?

KATHY:

Okay, Daddy.

MARGARET:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Jim?!

JIM:

(TO KATHY) Hold it, Kitten. (CALLS, TO MARGARET) We're out here, Margaret!

SOUND:

SCREEN DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN ... SHUTS BEHIND--

MARGARET:

(OFF) Jim, I had a dozen eggs in the pantry and they're gone. Do you know what happened to them?

JIM:

(LOW, QUICK) Bud, get those eggshells into the garage before your mother-- (UP, TO MARGARET) What kind of eggs, honey?

MARGARET:

(CLOSER) You know very well what kind of eggs. They were right on the second shelf and the-- Bud, what are you doing?

BUD:

Doing?

MARGARET:

What are you hiding?

BUD:

Hiding? ...

MARGARET:

Bud, stop gawking at me and say something.

BUD:

Er-- Hi, Mom. ...

MARGARET:

(STERN) Jim?

JIM:

Now wait a minute, honey. What difference do a few eggs make? After all, if we're going to win the egg race--

MARGARET:

(MORE IN SORROW THAN ANGER) My eggs! You've broken every single one of my eggs.

KATHY:

One of 'em's only cracked a little, Mommy.

MARGARET:

A whole dozen eggs.

JIM:

But we've got it down to a system, Margaret. Bud and I can run the egg course in twenty-three seconds. Can't we, Kathy?

KATHY:

They sure can, Mommy -- and Mr. Woody and Jimmy took thirty-one.

JIM:

Come on, Bud, let's show your mother how we do it.

BUD:

With what?

JIM:

Oh. ... Well, as soon as we get some more eggs--

BETTY:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Mother?!

MARGARET:

(INSISTS, TO JIM) You will do no more practicing with my eggs.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, SCREEN DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN ... THEN SHUTS

JIM:

Honey, I'll get you two dozen eggs. I'll get you a whole chicken.

BETTY:

(APPROACHES) Mother, do you know what that horrible Billy Smith did?

MARGARET:

Betty, I'm talking to your father.

JIM:

It's all right, Margaret, I'm in no hurry.

BETTY:

I'll never speak to that little monster again as long as I live.

MARGARET:

Dear, I'm sure that whatever it is--

BETTY:

But you don't know what he did. He just called me and broke our date for tonight.

MARGARET:

Well, he probably has a very good reason. Jim--?

BETTY:

He hasn't any reason at all. What difference does it make if he is in training? He had a date with me and--

JIM:

Wait a minute, Betty. He's in training for what?

BETTY:

Father, the whole thing is your fault! If you hadn't started this silly business with Mr. Woody--

JIM:

You mean he's in training for the picnic?!

BETTY:

(SARDONIC) Everybody's in training for the picnic. ... Every man in the whole neighborhood is running around with an egg on a spoon. ...

JIM:

Well, of all the dirty double-crossing--!

BETTY:

I don't care if it is Father's Day. Billy doesn't have any right--

JIM:

Bud?! We've got to start training.

BUD:

We've gotta start? ...

JIM:

If we're going to show those two-timing--

BUD:

I haven't done anything but train for two days.

JIM:

That doesn't count. We'll start from the very beginning.

BUD:

Oh, no!

MARGARET:

Jim, this whole thing is ridiculous.

JIM:

It's no such thing. Any time they think they can put one over on Jim Anderson-- Well, they've got another thing coming. Bud?

BUD:

(RELUCTANT) Yes, sir?

JIM:

Let's hit the road!

BUD:

(STUNNED) What?

JIM:

We've had enough setting-up exercises--

BUD:

We have?

JIM:

We're going to concentrate on road work. We're gonna run those other guys right off the map!

KATHY:

But, Daddy, you can't!

JIM:

Why can't I?

KATHY:

You promised General Eisenhower! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... HORNS PLAY AN ARMY BUGLER'S FANFARE ... SEGUES TO STRINGS PLAYING A FAST, GOOFY "DANCE OF THE HOURS" BY PONCHIELLI, WHICH CONTINUES IN BG

SOUND:

JIM AND BUD TALK WHILE RUNNING

JIM:

Bud?

BUD:

Yes, Dad?

JIM:

Are you all right?

BUD:

Oh, sure, Dad. I'm fine.

JIM:

You, uh, don't want to overdo it, you know. ...

BUD:

I know.

JIM:

After all, you're just a boy. You haven't the endurance of, uh, older men. ... You, uh, sure you wouldn't like to stop for a while?

BUD:

Gosh, no. We've only run about a mile.

JIM:

(SHAKEN) Yes. ... Okay.

BUD:

One-two-three-four, one-two-three-four, one-two-three-four--

MUSIC:

UP ... "DANCE OF THE HOURS" FILLS A PAUSE FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG, OUT ABRUPTLY AT [X]

BUD:

One-two-three-four, one-two-three-four--

JIM:

Bud--?!

BUD:

How you doin', Dad?

JIM:

We've got to stop. [X] (BREATHLESS) I - I can't run another step. ...

SOUND:

JIM AND BUD STOP RUNNING

BUD:

Holy cow, Dad. After only three miles?

JIM:

I wouldn't run another step if my life depended on it.

BUD:

Okay, but good grief, if we don't any more get started--

HECTOR:

(APPROACHES, RUNNING) Hiya, Jim! ...

JIM:

Hello, Hector. Doing a little road work, huh?

HECTOR:

Ahhh, this is the life, isn't it, Jim? Out in the fresh air and the sunshine! Boy, do I feel good! I feel I could run another five miles!

JIM:

You've run five miles?

HECTOR:

Like it was nothing! (MOVING OFF) Well, I better keep going! See you later, pal! ...

JIM:

Okay, Hec! (BEAT, WEARY) Let's go, Bud.

BUD:

But you said--

JIM:

(GRIMLY DETERMINED) I said, let's go.

BUD:

(WHATEVER!) Okay. One-two-three-four, one-two-three-four, one-two-three-four-- ...

MUSIC:

BRIEF TRANSITION ... "DANCE OF THE HOURS"

JIM:

(OUT OF BREATH) Bud! Bud!

BUD:

You don't want to stop again?

JIM:

No. I don't want to stop again. I'd like to run another seventy-five or eighty miles. ...

BUD:

Well?

JIM:

Find me another pair of legs and I'll be glad to. ...

BUD:

Dad, you're not gonna give up now, are you?

JIM:

For your information, I gave up an hour ago. I just didn't have the strength to get the news down to my feet! ...

BUD:

Gosh. After-- Oh-oh, here comes Mr. Woody.

SAM:

(APPROACHES) Well! If it isn't Old Man Anderson! Everything under control, Jim?

JIM:

Couldn't be better.

SAM:

That's what I like to hear. Well, see ya at the picnic! (MOVING OFF) Don't make him run too far, Bud!

BUD:

(AMUSED, CALLS AFTER HIM) Okay, Mr. Woody!

JIM:

(BEAT, WEARY) All right, Bud.

BUD:

(SURPRISED) What?

JIM:

(NEWLY DETERMINED) Let's go.

MUSIC:

VERY BRIEF TRANSITION ... "DANCE OF THE HOURS"

JIM:

(DESPERATE) I can't, Bud! I just can't!

1ST FATHER:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Hi there, Jim!

JIM:

(WILDLY) Let's go, Bud! ...

MUSIC:

AN EVEN BRIEFER TRANSITION ... "DANCE OF THE HOURS"

2ND FATHER:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Hi, Jim!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... "DANCE OF THE HOURS" ... WHICH FINALLY SLOWS TO A WEARY STOP

JIM:

(MISERABLE) I can't, Margaret. I couldn't get out of bed if you gave me a million dollars. ...

MARGARET:

But, Jim, this is Father's Day.

JIM:

I don't care whose day it is. ... Just let me lie here in peace.

MARGARET:

(AMUSED, GENTLY) Is it really that bad?

JIM:

Honey, right now I've got three times as many muscles as anybody else in the world-- ... --and every one of them has a toothache. ...

MARGARET:

Poor Bud.

JIM:

Poor Bud? How about me? I'm the one who's dying.

MARGARET:

But he's been counting on it so.

JIM:

Well, I'll make it up to him -- some way.

MARGARET:

Jim, are you sure you can't make it?

JIM:

Margaret, I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I can't even turn my head. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure I've got a head. ...

MARGARET:

All right, dear. I'll just have to explain to the children, that's all.

JIM:

I'm not worried about the children. Sam Woody's the guy I'm worried about. He'll never let me forget it.

MARGARET:

Of course he will. Sam's a very nice man and very broad-minded.

JIM:

Broad-minded? He's so narrow-minded he can look through a keyhole with both eyes. ...

MARGARET:

That isn't so.

JIM:

No? Well, you just wait. Ten years from now he'll still be talking about the time he ran me out of the picnic. And if you think--

BUD:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Mom? Hey, Mom?

MARGARET:

I'm in the bedroom, dear.

BUD:

(APPROACHES) Mom, they're making an announcement about the picnic over the radio.

MARGARET:

Oh? Well, we better turn it on.

BUD:

I'll fix it.

JIM:

Er, turn it on gently, Bud. And stop jiggling the floor! ...

BUD:

I wasn't jiggling the floor.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF RADIO SWITCHED ON

JIM:

Every time somebody moves I discover a new ache.

BUD:

'S the matter, Dad? Don't you feel well?

JIM:

I not only do not feel well, I am slowly disintegrating. ...

BUD:

Hold it, Dad. Here it comes.

JIM:

All this fuss about a silly--

NEWSCASTER:

--the largest Father's Day picnic in the history of Springfield. Now the news most of you have been waiting to hear. The transportation problem has finally been solved. A fleet of Bluebird buses has been chartered by-- What? -- One moment, please. (BEAT, SLIGHTLY OFF-MIKE) Is this on the level? -- What do I do? Just read it? -- Okay. (ON MIKE AGAIN) Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been handed an important bulletin, which I should like to read. Due to a mysterious epidemic of unknown origin ... over one hundred fathers in the Springfield area ... have suddenly been confined to their beds.

MARGARET:

(SURPRISED) Jim! ...

NEWSCASTER:

As a result, the picnic-- (OFF) What? -- Oh? (ON) Ladies and gentlemen, the picnic has not been canceled, but will instead be known as the, uh, "Mother and Child Outing." ... A fleet of Bluebird buses-- (FADES OUT BEHIND--)

JIM:

(BLISSFUL) Happy Father's Day!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Tomorrow or Saturday when you buy coffee, remember this: in coffee, real value means the most in flavor for your money, and in all this world there's one coffee famous above all others for flavor, our Maxwell House Coffee. So take home a pound this weekend, then let your husband -- the world's greatest coffee expert -- enjoy that famous flavor. When he smiles and says "greatest coffee ever," you'll be satisfied that Maxwell House has the flavor your family likes best. As for value, well, just count for yourself all the truly good cups of coffee you get from each pound. Yes, for coffee that gives you your money's worth and more, look for America's sign of good coffee: the big white cup and drop on the friendly blue tin. That's Maxwell House Coffee -- always good to the last drop.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

It's dinner time now and the Andersons are gathered about the festive board. And a festive board it is indeed. There's a special roast - for Father's Day; chocolate pie with thick whipped cream - for Father's Day; and, best of all, a surprise - for Father's Day. Like this--

SOUND:

DINNER TABLE BACKGROUND (UTENSILS, DISHES, ET CETERA)

BUD:

Go on, Mom. Tell him.

MARGARET:

Bud, please.

BETTY:

Mother, if you don't, we will.

MARGARET:

Betty, really.

KATHY:

Mommy, if you don't tell him, I'm gonna burst!

MARGARET:

Well, all right. Bud, why don't you get it?

BUD:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, Mom. It won't take two seconds.

MARGARET:

Jim--?

JIM:

(STILL IN PAIN) Yes, dear?

MARGARET:

Um-- We have a little surprise for you.

JIM:

That's nice.

MARGARET:

And we hope very sincerely that you get a great deal of pleasure out of it.

JIM:

(BEAT, GUESSES) I know; it's a wheelchair. ...

MARGARET:

Jim--

BUD:

(APPROACHES) Here they are, Dad.

JIM:

(GASPS) Matched woods! (PLEASED) Honey!

KATHY, BETTY, BUD & MARGARET:

(SIMULTANEOUS)
Happy Father's Day, (Daddy, Father, Dad, dear)!

JIM:

(HAPPY) Ohhh, you bought me a set of matched woods!

MARGARET:

(UNEASY) Well, we didn't exactly buy them, dear.

KATHY:

Mommy won the egg race! ......

MARGARET:

(PAUSE, AS IF NOTHING HAD JUST HAPPENED) Coffee, dear?

JIM:

(THE SAME) Thank you very much. ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

2ND ANNCR:

Folks, Gainsey, the famous talking dog, always says--

DOG:

(BARKS TWICE)

2ND ANNCR:

Gaines Meal! What about Gaines Meal, Gainsey?

DOG:

(BARKS A HALF DOZEN TIMES)

2ND ANNCR:

Nourishes every inch of a dog. It sure does! Kennel and laboratory tests proved Gaines Meal supplies balanced nourishments your dog needs for good health! Yet Gaines costs less to feed than any other type of dog food! So, folks, get Gaines Meal--

DOG:

(BARKS HAPPILY)

2ND ANNCR:

--America's largest selling dog food.

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO INTO THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Join us again next week when we'll be back with FATHER KNOWS BEST, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson, with Roy Bargy and the Maxwell House Orchestra. In our cast were June Whitley as Margaret, Ted Donaldson, Rhoda Williams, Norma Jean Nilsson, Herb Vigran, Stanley Farrar, and yours truly, Bill Forman. So until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee -- always good to the last drop. FATHER KNOWS BEST was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James. Now stay tuned in for DRAGNET, which follows immediately over most of these stations.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

NBC ANNCR:

DRAGNET is the story of your police force in action. Listen on NBC.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES