SMITH:

 Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay -- and Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair -- bring you OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden!

SOUND:

 APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

 THEME ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

 It's time once again for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS, under the direction of Al Lewis. Well, the past few days haven't been easy ones for our Miss Brooks who teaches English at Madison High School. It seems that she is called upon to assume additional duties whenever Mr. Conklin, Madison's beloved principal, loses a secretary. At breakfast Thursday morning, Miss Brooks discussed her plight with her landlady.

CONNIE:

 It's not only the added work that bothers me, Mrs. Davis. It's Mr. Conklin's temper. 

DAVIS:

 I know, Connie. Osgood is a natural-born sourball. ...

CONNIE:

 (AGREES) Lemon-flavored. ... No wonder he can't keep a secretary. Why, do you realize that since the fall term started, he lost three of them?

DAVIS:

 Three secretaries in a month? How is that possible? 

CONNIE:

 Well, the first one lasted a week. She quit because she couldn't stand his yelling. The second one quit after four days for the same reason, and the third secretary left before she even started. 

DAVIS:

 Why did the third one quit? 

CONNIE:

 She heard "Sourball" screaming at the second one. ... He has another one coming over today and believe me, it's not a minute too soon. 

DAVIS:

 You've been doing an awful lot of extra work this past week. Has Mr. Conklin given you anything for it?

CONNIE:

 He's given me plenty, but I just don't listen! ... What annoys me more than anything else, though, is his latest suggestion:  that I need glasses.

DAVIS:

 Glasses? But your vision is twenty-twenty, isn't it? 

CONNIE:

 Sure-sure! ... At least as far as I know. But I made a few mistakes in typing yesterday and he insisted that I stop in at an optometrist's this morning and get a prescription for glasses.

DAVIS:

 Well, don't take it so hard, dear. There's nothing serious about wearing glasses. Now, here -- eat your apple fritters. 

CONNIE:

 I'll say they look good. What's this brown stuff next to them? 

DAVIS:

 That's apple butter. Or if you'd rather have apple jelly, that's in this dish over here, near the pitcher of apple juice. ... Y'see, I'm celebrating National Apple Week this morning. 

CONNIE:

 I would never have guessed. ...

SOUND:

 DOORBELL RINGS 

CONNIE:

 Oh, that's Walter Denton. He's going to drop me at the optometrist this morning. (CALLS) The door's open, Walter! Come on in! 

SOUND:

 DOOR OPENS ... WALTER'S STEPS IN

DAVIS:

 (TO CONNIE) Do you think he'll want something to eat?

CONNIE:

 He'll want everything to eat. ... 

WALTER:

 Good morrow, fair ladies! ... Well! What is this I see before me? Apple fritters? 

CONNIE:

 Here's a fork; fill your face. ... 

WALTER:

 How about you, Miss Brooks? 

CONNIE:

 I don't feel very hungry this morning, Walter. The possibility of my having to wear glasses has gotten me down, I guess. 

DAVIS:

 I think that's absurd myself. (TO WALTER) I wish you'd tell Miss Brooks how little wearing glasses will affect her looks. 

WALTER:

 Oh, sure. Oh, you shouldn't worry about glasses hurting _your_ looks, Miss Brooks. 

CONNIE:

 I shouldn't? 

WALTER:

 Of course not. Nothing could do that. ... What I mean is-- Well-- You don't even know if you _need_ glasses yet, so why should you worry now about how Mr. Boynton's going to react _if_, _as_, and _when_ he sees you with glasses _on_? 

CONNIE:

 I don't recall mentioning Mr. Boynton in this conversation.

WALTER:

 You don't have to. His name shines out of your eyes like neon. ... But even if you do put goggles on, I'm sure that Mr. Boynton'll feel just like any other average male feels about it. 

CONNIE:

 And how is that? 

WALTER:

 (WAXING RHAPSODIC) Well, most men feel that glasses are merely an inconsequential man-made accoutrement, and the real beauty of a woman is what lies within herself. The qualities admired by men of taste and sensitivity are of the mind and the soul.

CONNIE:

 Please go on, Dr. Freud. ...

WALTER:

 Once we grant that true loveliness springs from the inner being, it follows that no exterior appurtenance could conceivably veil such loveliness. 

CONNIE:

 Walter, would you go steady with a girl who wore glasses? 

WALTER:

 (QUICKLY) Frankly, I wouldn't be caught dead with one. ... 

CONNIE:

 Bring in your fritters, Denton, you're through. ... Now, come on. We better get started. I've got an early appointment with the optometrist.

WALTER:

 Oh, please, don't let it depress you, Miss Brooks. Remember, there's a bright side of this thing, too. 

CONNIE:

 Where? I seem to have misplaced it.

WALTER:

 Well, the eye doctor will put drops into your eyes as part of the examination, and this makes your vision all blurry and funny. 

CONNIE:

 Well, what's so bright about that?

WALTER:

 Don't you get it? Even after you arrive at school, you can be sitting right in his office with him and not see Mr. Conklin all morning long. ...

CONNIE:

 (SINGS JOYOUSLY) Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a wonderful day!

MUSIC:

 BRIDGE ... QUOTES RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN'S "OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNIN'"

CONKLIN:

 (SINGS) Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day!

HARRIET:

 You certainly are chipper this morning, daddy -- singing in your office and wearing a big white carnation. I wish some of the teachers could look at you now. 

CONKLIN:

 (DRY) Well, why don't you sell tickets? ... (SERIOUS) I'm merely trying to keep up my spirits in the face of the many arduous duties I'm called upon to perform.

HARRIET:

 Have you completed arrangements for Uncle Henry's party tonight? 

CONKLIN:

 Er, not quite, my dear, but I'll attend to it presently. I don't know why his bachelor friends insist on giving a man a party _simply_ because he's going to get married. To me, that's exactly like feeding a bear a nice big antelope steak and then pushing him into a trap! ...

HARRIET:

 Why, daddy, I'm surprised at you. Stag parties are an old American custom, and I think it's flattering that Uncle Henry's friends picked you to arrange the entertainment. This makes the third stag party you've arranged, doesn't it? 

CONKLIN:

 Counting the one he left at the altar, this makes Number Four for Uncle Henry. ... Now, you'd better run along to your class, Harriet. I've got several things to attend to.

HARRIET:

 (MOVING OFF) All right, daddy. Don't work too hard. 

CONKLIN:

 I'll try not to.

SOUND:

 HARRIET'S STEPS TO OFFICE DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND CLOSES AS SHE EXITS

CONKLIN:

 (WARBLES WORDLESSLY AND RAPIDLY, THEN SINGING TO HIMSELF) There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight! ...

SOUND:

 PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP ... MITZI'S VOICE ON FILTER

CONKLIN:

 (QUIETLY POMPOUS) This is the principal's office. Osgood Conklin himself speaking. ...

MITZI:

 Hello, Mr. Conklin. Ah, this is Mitzi LeRoy. Some friends of your brother-in-law told me you were planning a little celebration for him tonight. 

CONKLIN:

 Why, yes, we _are_ going to have a party, but it's strictly stag.

MITZI:

 That's strictly why I'm calling. You see, Mr. Conklin, I'm in the entertainment business. Uh, you _were_ planning some entertainment for this evening, weren't you? 

CONKLIN:

 Er, yes. ... Yes, but frankly I thought we'd provide our _own_ merriment. One of the boys is quite competent on the celli ... competent on the cello, and, if I say so myself, I'm not a bad hand with the cornet. 

MITZI:

 (MILD SARCASM) What? No stereopticon views? (MILDLY SEXY) Er, look, Mr. Conklin, your brother-in-law's friends have seen me dance at Star Theater and they felt that I could provide just the sort of entertainment that would make your party tonight a _big_ _success_. 

CONKLIN:

 (MILDLY AROUSED) Oh, you're a dancer? Er, what kind of dances do you do, Miss LeRoy? ...

MITZI:

 Let's just say I think you'll be pleased. ... My fee for the evening is fifty dollars, plus an additional charge of seven-fifty.

CONKLIN:

 What's that for? 

MITZI:

 Balloon insurance. ... Now about my costume--

SOUND:

 KNOCKING AT DOOR

CONKLIN:

 (CALLS, EXCITEDLY) Just a minute! (CALMS DOWN, CALLS GENTLY AND MELODICALLY) Er, just a minute. ... (LOW, INTO PHONE) You'll - you'll have to excuse me now, Miss LeRoy. I'll take up this matter of entertainment with some of the other fellows and then make my decision. 

MITZI:

 Oh, then you want me to contact you later? 

CONKLIN:

 That would be fine.

MITZI:

 Oh, thank you, Mr. Conklin. (EXTRA SULTRY) Goodbye-ee-ee. 

CONKLIN:

 (GENTLE AND MELODIC) Goodbye-ee-ee. ... 

SOUND:

 KNOCKING AT DOOR

CONKLIN:

 (CALLS, GENTLE AND MELODIC) Come in-ee-ee. ... (CALLS, POINTED) I mean, come in! 

SOUND:

 OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... CONNIE'S STEPS IN

CONNIE:

 (SLIGHTLY OFF) Oh, good morning, Mr. Conklin. How are you today? 

CONKLIN:

 Fine, thank you. But I'm at my desk. You're talking to the umbrella stand. ... 

CONNIE:

 (CLOSER) What? Oh, I'm sorry. It's these drops in my eyes. I just-- (WORRIED) Mr. Conklin? What's the matter with you?

CONKLIN:

 What do you mean, what's the matter with me? 

CONNIE:

 Your face is so white, and it's all wrinkled. 

CONKLIN:

 (BEAT) You're looking at the carnation in my buttonhole. ... 

CONNIE:

 Oh, thank goodness. I didn't see how your head could be leaning against your shoulder like that. ... This blurry vision should pass in a couple of hours and then I can type up the notes you need for the PTA meeting tonight. 

CONKLIN:

 That won't be necessary, Miss Brooks. My new secretary is coming in this morning. Besides, I won't be addressing the PTA members tonight. There's another affair I have to attend.

CONNIE:

 Another affair? 

CONKLIN:

 Yes, my brother-in-law is getting married next week and we're giving him a little party.

CONNIE:

 Oh, Henry. (BEAT, DRY) Who's the lucky fourth? ... I mean, who - who's going to address the PTA meeting if _you_ don't show up? 

CONKLIN:

 Mr. Stone, the head of the Board of Education, has kindly consented to go in my place. He'll be over this afternoon to pick up my speech. Now, I've got to leave for a while, so I'll appoint Harriet to monitor your first class and I'd like you to stay here and take charge of my office until the new secretary arrives. 

CONNIE:

 Where are you going, Mr. Conklin? 

CONKLIN:

 We're just chock full of curiosity today, aren't we? ... It so happens that I have a little shopping to do for the party. Some of Henry's friends will expect a bit of punch. (MOVING OFF) I'm going to get the fruit for it now. Peaches and things. 

CONNIE:

 Be careful of that fruit, Mr. Conklin. 

CONKLIN:

 (OFF) What do you mean? 

CONNIE:

 Judging from the way your eyes looked after the last stag, you ran into some very bloodshot peaches. ...

MUSIC:

 FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

 APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

 PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT FOR JINGLE--

SINGERS:

 Brush your teeth with Colgate's --
Colgate Dental Cream --
It cleans your breath --
(What a toothpaste.)
While it cleans your teeth!
(Colgate Toothpaste --)
Cleans your breath --
(What a toothpaste.)
While it cleans your teeth!

ANNOUNCER:

 Colgate Dental Cream cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth.

SMITH:

 And the Colgate way stops tooth decay best. 

ANNOUNCER:

 More than two years' research showed the Colgate way of brushing teeth right after eating helps stop more decay for more people than ever before reported in dentifrice history. Yes, the Colgate way stopped tooth decay best -- better than any other home method of oral hygiene. 

SMITH:

 No other dentifrice, ammoniated or not, has proof of such results. And you should know that Colgate's -- while not mentioned by name -- was the only toothpaste used in the research on tooth decay recently reported in Reader's Digest. 

ANNOUNCER:

 So always use Colgate's to clean your breath while you clean your teeth, and stop tooth decay best. 

MUSIC:

 FOR JINGLE--

SINGERS:

 Brush your teeth with Colgate's --
Colgate Dental Cream --
It cleans your breath --
(What a toothpaste.)
While it cleans your teeth!

SMITH:

 And the Colgate way stops tooth decay best. 

MUSIC:

 THEME ... THEN OUT

CONNIE:

 (NARRATES) Well, when Mr. Conklin left to go shopping for his brother-in-law's stag party, I sat in his office and waited for, A, his new secretary, and, B, the effects of my eye drops to wear off. I got a good idea of the progress I was making when I answered a knock on his door.

SOUND:

 KNOCKING ON DOOR

CONNIE:

 (CALLS) Come in! 

SOUND:

 OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... MITZI'S STEPS IN

CONNIE:

 And what can I do for you, sir? 

MITZI:

 (BEAT) ... The first thing you can do is take another look. 

CONNIE:

 What? Oh, it's a girl! 

MITZI:

 (DRY) Congratulations. 

CONNIE:

 See, I've had some drops in my eyes and they're still quite blurry. If you'll just take a seat, Miss, er--?

MITZI:

 LeRoy. Mitzi LeRoy. I talked to Mr. Conklin on the phone a little while ago-- 

CONNIE:

 (INTERRUPTS) Of course! He's been expecting you. I'm Miss Brooks; I teach English here. 

MITZI:

 Oh, glad to know you. Er, where _is_ Mr. Conklin? 

CONNIE:

 He should be back in a very short time. He's doing some shopping. Why don't you just make yourself comfortable, Miss LeRoy? 

MITZI:

 Oh, well, I guess I might as well. Er, tell me, Miss Brooks, do you think Mr. Conklin will want to see a sample of my work? 

CONNIE:

 Well, if I know our beloved principal, he'll want to see _several_ samples. ... 

MITZI:

 Sounds like he's pretty hard to please. 

CONNIE:

 Oh, you'll get used to him. I'm glad you got here, though. If you hadn't, _I_ would have had to do your work for tonight. ... 

MITZI:

 (DISBELIEF) You?

CONNIE:

 (MILDLY DEFENSIVE) I might not look it, but I'm pretty efficient. ... 

MITZI:

 Well, you could have fooled me. Uh, what do you do -- teach English on the side? 

CONNIE:

 Well, lately that's been just about the size of it. I've had more outside work than I can handle. ... 

MITZI:

 Uh, but what do you work _with_, Miss Brooks? 

CONNIE:

 The usual tools of the trade -- some carbon paper and a typewriter. ... 

MITZI:

 (PUZZLED) Carbon paper and typewriter? 

CONNIE:

 Of course if it's a rush job, I just grind it out with a notebook and pencil. ... 

MITZI:

 Now, that's what I call a new wrinkle. Uh, how long have you been doing this sort of work? 

CONNIE:

 Just this season. Mr. Conklin's had a tough time finding anybody. 

MITZI:

 Oh, he must be pretty particular. 

CONNIE:

 He _is_ rather temperamental, but if you don't mind a little shouting now and then, you'll get along fine. 

MITZI:

 Well, I'm used to that. I, er, worked at an Elks convention last night. 

CONNIE:

 Oh. ... 

SOUND:

 SCHOOL BELL RINGS

CONNIE:

 There's the bell for another class. Now that you're here, I can run along. Is there anything I can get you before I go? 

MITZI:

 No, thanks. I've got everything I'll need in this bag. I'd certainly like to clinch this job. 

CONNIE:

 There's only one way to do it, Miss LeRoy. When Mr. Conklin gets back, you be all ready to work. ...

MUSIC:

 BRIDGE ... QUOTES A BUMP-AND-GRIND STRIPPER THEME 

SOUND:

 BUSY HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA ... ESTABLISH, THEN IN BACKGROUND

WALTER:

 Miss Brooks, come on over to my table! 

CONNIE:

 (APPROACHES) All right, Walter. My, the cafeteria is jammed as usual. 

WALTER:

 Yeah, that's why I like to get off in a corner and-- Say, where did you get the tortoise-shell glasses? 

CONNIE:

 I just borrowed them from Miss Richardson. They don't actually do anything for my vision, but I want to try an experiment.

WALTER:

 Oh? Well, where _is_ Mr. Boynton? 

CONNIE:

 Mr. Boynton? 

WALTER:

 Sure. You want to see how he'll react if you really do have to wear glasses. Where is he?

CONNIE:

 He's coming through that aisle over there. 

WALTER:

 Er, what aisle? 

CONNIE:

 The same one you're leaving by. ... [Vacate?] the table like a good boy.

WALTER:

 Okay, Miss Brooks. I gotta look for Harriet Conklin anyway. (MOVING OFF) I'll see you in the not-too-distant future.

CONNIE:

 Or the not-too-present present. ...

BOYNTON:

 Oh, pardon me, Miss Brooks. Do you mind if I join you at this table? 

CONNIE:

 Not at all, Mr. Boynton. I've been more or less expecting you. 

BOYNTON:

 Oh, good. Now I'll just set this tray down.

SOUND:

 TRAY SET DOWN 

BOYNTON:

 Oh, I certainly had a difficult morning. Some of those kids just flatly refuse to learn biology.

CONNIE:

 So do some adults I know. ... Well, now that you're here, Mr. Boynton, do you notice anything different? 

BOYNTON:

 Different? 

CONNIE:

 Yes. Look closely. 

BOYNTON:

 Well, what do you know about that?! They put a bottle of ketchup on every table! ...

CONNIE:

 That _is_ pretty exciting. Especially for people who have a red tooth. ... That's not what I had in mind. Mr. Boynton, do you remember how I looked yesterday? 

BOYNTON:

 At what? ...

CONNIE:

 Not _at_ anything. (DELIBERATELY, AS IF TO A CHILD) I just want to know how I looked to you when you looked at me. 

BOYNTON:

 Well, you looked fine.

CONNIE:

 Thank you. (DELIBERATELY, AS IF TO A CHILD) Now -- how do I look to you today? 

BOYNTON:

 Fine. 

CONNIE:

 (BEAT, GIVES UP) Let's have a glass of ketchup. ... 

BOYNTON:

 I - I don't understand, Miss Brooks. Just what is it you'd like me to observe? Have you got a new hairdo or did you manicure your nails in a different shade? 

CONNIE:

 Oh, forget about it, Mr. Boynton. As a matter of fact, I'm delighted with the result of my little one-man quiz program. Now, let's eat, huh? 

BOYNTON:

 Very well. My, that spinach of yours looks very appetizing. So nice and green.

CONNIE:

 That's corned beef hash. ... The spinach is this gray stuff over here. ...

BOYNTON:

 Oh, by the way, Miss Brooks, there's something I meant to ask you when I first sat down at the table.

CONNIE:

 What's that, Mr. Boynton? 

BOYNTON:

 Why are you wearing Miss Richardson's glasses? ... 

CONNIE:

 Oh, so you _did_ notice them. 

BOYNTON:

 Oh, yes. They're quite becoming. As a matter of fact, they make you look much more mature.

CONNIE:

 Mature?! ... Do you like me that way? 

BOYNTON:

 Of course. Everything benefits with age. 

CONNIE:

 I'm not ready for old age benefits. ... I mean, what about the girl I _was_? The gay, carefree youthful girl? 

BOYNTON:

 I didn't know you then. ... 

CONNIE:

 That does it. Hand me a blotter, I'm giving these eye drops back to the optometrist.

BOYNTON:

 You mean you've been examined for glasses, Miss Brooks? 

CONNIE:

 Mr. Conklin insisted, but I still think he's wrong. 

WALTER:

 (APPROACHES, URGENT) Excuse me, Mr. Boynton! Miss Brooks, there's somethin' I gotta tell ya! 

CONNIE:

 What's the trouble, Walter? You look as if you'd seen a ghost. 

WALTER:

 (ECSTATIC) I looked into Mr. Conklin's office for Harriet and, believe me, what I just saw was no ghost! ... 

BOYNTON:

 What _did_ you see? 

WALTER:

 (EXPLODES, WITH ECSTASY) Holy cow! ...

CONNIE:

 Oh, now, calm down, Walter. I presume you're referring to Mr. Conklin's new secretary.

WALTER:

 If she's a secretary, I'm gonna study to be a principal! ... Boy, what beautiful little feet she's got. ...

BOYNTON:

 (PUZZLED) Is that all you noticed? 

WALTER:

 Oh, her dress was beautiful, too. I saw it hanging in the closet. ...

CONNIE:

 In the closet?

WALTER:

 Yeah, and she's wearing a French bathing suit. Don't you see, Miss Brooks? She's no secretary. She's a dancer. She told me she was tryin' to get a job entertaining tonight at a party Mr. Conklin's giving for his brother-in-law. 

BOYNTON:

 His brother-in-law? 

CONNIE:

 Henry. He's a four-time loser. ... You stay right here, Walter. Mr. Boynton, you and I have got to get that girl out of Mr. Conklin's office before he comes back. 

BOYNTON:

 But, Miss Brooks--

CONNIE:

 There's no time to argue. Mr. Stone is coming over here today, too. 

WALTER:

 The head of the Board of Education? Gosh, if he sees what I saw, he'll flip what's left of his wig! ... 

BOYNTON:

 (SUDDENLY INTERESTED) This sounds like a crisis. We better take a look at this creature. 

CONNIE:

 (UNHAPPY, TO HERSELF) Darn those optometrists, they never know whose eyes to put the drops in. 

MUSIC:

 BRIDGE ... QUOTES "FRANKIE AND JOHNNY"

SOUND:

 CONNIE & BOYNTON'S STEPS APPROACH AND STOP

CONNIE:

 We can't just burst into Mr. Conklin's office, Mr. Boynton. He may have returned.

BOYNTON:

 You're right, Miss Brooks. I'd better knock.

SOUND:

 KNOCKING ON DOOR

MITZI:

 (BEHIND DOOR, SEXY AND MELODIC) Come in-eeee! ...

CONNIE:

 Well, that doesn't sound like Mr. Conklin. ...

SOUND:

 OFFICE DOOR OPENS ... CONNIE & BOYNTON'S STEPS IN

MITZI:

 (SULTRY) Well, hello.

BOYNTON:

 (EXPLODES, WITH LUST) Holy cow! ... 

CONNIE:

 Miss LeRoy, what are you doing in that French bathing suit? 

MITZI:

 Blowing up my balloon. ... I, um, work with several of them.

CONNIE:

 Oh, but there's been a terrible misunderstanding. You've got to leave here at once. 

MITZI:

 Oh, what's the hurry, honey? (EXTRA SULTRY) Don't you think you should introduce me to your friend? 

CONNIE:

 (MELODIC) No, I do-on't. ... 

BOYNTON:

 That isn't very polite, Miss Brooks. (EAGERLY) Miss LeRoy, my name is Phillip Boynton. I - I teach biology here. 

MITZI:

 What time? ... 

BOYNTON:

 Please, Miss LeRoy, you ought to put some more clothes on. (TO CONNIE) She'll catch her death of cold that way, don't you think so, Miss Brooks? 

CONNIE:

 Yes, but not soon enough. ... Now, where are your things, Miss LeRoy? I'll help you get dressed. 

MITZI:

 (SIMPLY) Oh, they're on that chair by the desk. But I've got to do an audition for this job tonight. You told me yourself to get ready, Miss Brooks. 

CONNIE:

 That's when I thought you were a secretary. Now will you please put your dress on?

BOYNTON:

 Oh, it's too late, Miss Brooks. Mr. Conklin's just coming in the front door. I saw him through the window.

MITZI:

 Well, it's about time he showed up.

CONKLIN:

 (APPROACHES, SINGING) I love life! ...

SOUND:

 OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

CONKLIN:

 Oh, hello, Miss Brooks; Mr. Boynton.

CONNIE:

 Hello.

BOYNTON:

 Hello.

MITZI:

 (SULTRY) Hel-lo, Mr. Conklin. 

CONKLIN:

 (EXPLODES, WITH FURY) _HOLY_ _COW_! ... Miss Brooks, I left you in charge of this office. _What_ is this woman doing here in that get-up? 

CONNIE:

 She's just blowing up her balloon. ... 

MITZI:

 I'm Mitzi LeRoy, Mr. Conklin. I spoke to you on the phone, don't you remember? 

CONKLIN:

 The balloon dancer? But how did you get in here? 

MITZI:

 Miss Brooks let me in. She's the one who told me to get ready for my audition.

CONNIE:

 That was when my eyes were still blurred from the drops this morning, Mr. Conklin. I thought that--

CONKLIN:

 You and your lame excuses! Do you realize that Mr. Stone is due here any moment to pick up a speech I wrote for the PTA meeting tonight? 

CONNIE:

 But, Mr. Conklin-- 

CONKLIN:

 And do you realize further that the title of that speech is "Propriety in our Schools"? ...

BOYNTON:

 Holy smoke!

CONNIE:

 (DRY) Well, that's a switch on "holy cow." ...

CONKLIN:

 How am I going to explain this woman to Mr. Stone?

BOYNTON:

 Well, maybe - maybe we could say she's one of the students, Mr. Conklin. 

CONKLIN:

 One of the students? Standing in my office in a French bathing suit? 

CONNIE:

 We could say she just got out of French class. ... 

SOUND:

 KNOCKING AT DOOR

CONKLIN:

 (LOW) That's Mr. Stone now! Miss LeRoy, please -- you've got to hide. 

MITZI:

 Hide? But where? 

CONKLIN:

 Er, well-- In my closet! That it! Take your balloons and get in that coat closet at once. ...

MITZI:

 Oh, but it's dark in there. I'm afraid to stay in the dark alone. 

BOYNTON:

 (TOO EAGER) If you want me to, I'll go into the closet with her, Mr. Conklin. ... 

CONNIE:

 Over my dead body! ... It'll just take a few minutes, Miss LeRoy, and you'll be--

SOUND:

 KNOCKING AT DOOR

CONKLIN:

 (CALLS) I'll be right there! (LOW, TO MITZI) Please, Miss LeRoy. I'll engage you for tonight's party for any fee you name if you'll just get into that closet and stay there.

MITZI:

 Oh, well, if it's really a deal, I might as well cooperate. (MOVING OFF) But try and make it snappy, will ya? I'm getting a little chilly.

SOUND:

 MITZI'S STEPS TO CLOSET DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS

CONKLIN:

 (LOW, TO BOYNTON & CONNIE) Now, whatever you do, please help me get rid of Mr. Stone in a hurry. 

BOYNTON:

 We'll do our best, Mr. Conklin. 

CONNIE:

 I'll let him in.

SOUND:

 CONNIE'S STEPS TO OFFICE DOOR, WHICH OPENS 

CONNIE:

 (TOO BROADLY FEIGNS SURPRISE) Well! Look who's here, Mr. Conklin! It's Mr. Stone! 

SOUND:

 OFFICE DOOR SHUTS

CONKLIN:

 (THE SAME) Why, so it is!

STONE:

 (SOUR) Who were you expecting, Gypsy Rose Lee? ...

BOYNTON:

 Gypsy Rose Lee! Ha ha ha! That's a good one!

CONKLIN:

 (LOW) Quiet, Boynton, quiet. ... (CLEARS THROAT) Mr. Boynton and Miss Brooks were just discussing some details of the PTA meeting tonight, Mr. Stone, but unfortunately my new secretary hasn't arrived, so the notes aren't typed up.

CONNIE:

 (TOO QUICKLY) However, if you'll come back in an hour, I'll have them all ready for you. Goodbye, Mr. Stone. 

BOYNTON:

 (TOO EAGER) Ha! I'll walk you to the door if you like. 

STONE:

 (CURT) Not so fast. (TO CONKLIN) I'd like to sit down and chat for a moment, Osgood. 

CONKLIN:

 (RESIGNED DISMAY) Sit down? Very well, sit right here by my desk, Mr. Stone. I'll just take these silk stockings and other garments off the-- ... (DOUBLE TAKE, HIGH-PITCHED DISMAY) Silk stockings?!

STONE:

 (GRIM AGREEMENT) Silk stockings. What is all this feminine apparel doing in your office, Osgood? 

CONKLIN:

 (HIGH-PITCHED DISMAY) Feminine apparel? ...

CONNIE:

 (IMPROVISING HELPFULLY) Oh, that must be the stuff you just bought for your wife, Mr. Conklin. 

BOYNTON:

 (THE SAME) Yes, the clothing you were telling us about. 

STONE:

 (CRISPLY) None of this is wrapped and those garments look as if they've just been worn.

CONNIE:

 (IMPROVISING) Well, er, uh-- Mr. Conklin and his wife are both the same size and _somebody's_ gotta try these things on. ... Now, if you've finished chatting with Mr. Conklin-- 

STONE:

 (INTERRUPTS, CURT) I have _not_ finished.

MITZI:

 (BEHIND CLOSET DOOR, SNEEZES) Ah-choo!

BOYNTON:

 Gesundheit.

CONKLIN:

 Gesundheit.

STONE:

 Gesundheit.

CONNIE:

 Gesundheit. ...

STONE:

 Now, about this speech you've written, Osgood. I think-- Now wait a minute. That's very strange. 

CONKLIN:

 What's very strange? 

STONE:

 There were four gesundheits and only one sneeze. ... If all four of us said gesundheit, who sneezed? 

BOYNTON:

 (IMPROVISING) Well, it - it was probably just an auditory illusion, Mr. Stone. Sometimes--

MITZI:

 (BEHIND CLOSET DOOR, SNEEZES) Ah-choo!

BOYNTON:

 Gesundheit.

CONKLIN:

 Gesundheit.

STONE:

 Gesundheit.

CONNIE:

 I pass. ... I mean, I must be catching a cold. 

STONE:

 (SUSPICIOUS) That sounded like it came from the coat closet.

CONNIE:

 The coat closet? Oh, please, Mr. Stone, I know it's drafty in there, but who ever heard of a moth sneezing? ...

BOYNTON:

 (FORCED LIGHTNESS) Yeah! Who ever heard of a moth sneezing? Ha ha! That's rich! 

MITZI:

 (BEHIND CLOSET DOOR, SNEEZES) Ah-choo!

CONNIE:

 (QUICKLY SNEEZES) Ah-choo! Bless me, bless me. 

STONE:

 (WITH CERTAINTY) One of those sneezes came from inside that closet!

CONKLIN:

 Oh, but that's absurd, Mr. Stone. Now let me tell you about the speech tonight. In it, I have shown conclusively, I believe, that overly progressive methods of running a school are not always the best. No, indeed! That's one bubble I have always tried to burst.

SOUND:

 BALLOON POPS!

STONE:

 ... There's something funny going on here and I'm going to find out what it is! 

SOUND:

 STONE'S STEPS TO CLOSET DOOR, WHICH OPENS

STONE:

 Come out of that closet, whoever you are! 

MITZI:

 (PLEASED) Why, hello, Mr. Stone.

STONE:

 (EXPLODES, WITH SHOCK) Holy cow! ... 

CONNIE:

 Walter was right. There goes what's left of his wig! ...

CONKLIN:

 Miss Brooks, explain to Mr. Stone.

MITZI:

 (KNOWINGLY) Oh, you don't have to explain who I am to Mr. Stone. I'm sure he remembers little Mitzi from the Elks convention he attended last week.

STONE:

 (QUIETLY MEEK) Hello, Mitzi. ...

CONKLIN:

 (WITH RELISH) Oh! So you _know_ each other? 

MITZI:

 Oh, certainly. Mr. Stone and I got acquainted at that convention. But I'd better be getting on home now. Uh, can somebody give me a lift?

BOYNTON:

 (EAGER) Well, I'll be glad to drive you if you have no transportation.

CONNIE:

 (TO HERSELF) If she has no transportation, he says. (POINTED) Listen, Mr. Boynton, Mr. Stone can drive Miss LeRoy home. They're fellow Elks. ...

BOYNTON:

 But - but I joined our local lodge the other night. That makes me a brand-new Elk, too. 

CONNIE:

 Well, if you want to live to be an _old_ Elk, you'll keep your antlers out of this whole deal! ...

MUSIC:

 CURTAIN

SOUND:

 APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

 Eve Arden, as our Miss Brooks, returns in just a moment, but first-- 

MUSIC:

 FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

 (TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.

ANNOUNCER:

 Tonight -- yes, tonight -- show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. Lustre-Creme, world's finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives you Kay Daumit's magic blend of secret ingredients, plus gentle lanolin. Better than a soap, better than a liquid. Lustre-Creme is a dainty creme shampoo. Leaves hair three ways lovelier; fragrantly clean; free of loose dandruff; glistening with sheen; soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, Lustre-Creme lathers instantly. No special rinse needed after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. So gentle, Lustre-Creme is wonderful even for children's hair. Tonight -- yes, tonight! -- try Lustre-Creme Shampoo.

MUSIC:

 FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

 (TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.
You owe your crowning glory to--
A Lustre-Creme shampoo.

MUSIC:

 OUT

ANNOUNCER:

 And now once again here is our Miss Brooks. 

CONNIE:

 (NARRATES) Well, as soon as I got home after school I told Mrs. Davis all about the day's events and when I had finished she clucked sympathetically. 

DAVIS:

 Cluck-cluck-cluck, what a day. But at least you've still got a pleasant evening to look forward to. You've got a date with Mr. Boynton, haven't you? 

CONNIE:

 I thought I did, but he just called to tell me he's going to the party Mr. Conklin's giving for his brother-in-law. On top of that, the new secretary never _did_ show up, so I'll be saddled with all that extra work this week. 

DAVIS:

 That's too bad, Connie, but I'm particularly sorry to hear that you have no date for tonight.

CONNIE:

 It's just as well, Mrs. Davis. It'll give me a chance to practice.

DAVIS:

 Practice what, Connie? Typing? 

CONNIE:

 No. Blowing up a balloon without getting too winded to dance. ...

MUSIC:

 THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND SMITH--

SOUND:

 APPLAUSE ... THEN BEHIND SMITH--

SMITH:

 This is Verne Smith reminding you to tune in next week to another OUR MISS BROOKS show, brought to you by Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft glamorous caressable hair, and Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay. 

ANNOUNCER:

 OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Berns, written by Al Lewis, with the music of Wilbur Hatch. 

MUSIC:

 BRIEF TAG

2ND ANNCR:

 Doctors prove Palmolive Soap can bring you a lovelier complexion in fourteen days. Yes, thirty-six leading skin specialists proved in tests on twelve hundred eighty-five different women that Palmolive Soap facials -- using nothing but Palmolive -- brought new complexion beauty to two women out of three. Just wash your face three times daily with Palmolive Soap -- each time for sixty seconds -- massaging Palmolive's beauty lather onto your skin. Then rinse and pat dry. So start your Palmolive facials today. Remember, doctors prove Palmolive Soap can bring you a lovelier complexion in fourteen days. 

MUSIC:

 THEME ... IN BG, UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

 This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SOUND:

 APPLAUSE