WILCOX:

THE JOHNSON'S WAX PROGRAM - WITH FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY!

MUSIC:

THEME-UNDER FOR:

WILCOX:

THE MAKERS OF JOHNSON WAX PRODUCTS FOR HOME AND INDUSTRY PRESENT FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY - WRITTEN BY DON QUINN AND PHIL LESLIE.

MUSIC:

THEME BACK UP BRIEFLY, THEN FADE OUT FOR:

WILCOX:

WHILE YOU WERE GETTING THE DINNER OR DOING THE DISHES TONIGHT, DID YOU GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR LINOLEUM FLOOR COVERING? WERE YOU SATISFIED WITH ITS APPEARANCE OR WAS IT A LITTLE ON THE DULL AND SHABBY SIDE? WELL YOU KNOW THERE'S A VERY GOOD REMEDY FOR THAT TROUBLE - JUST TREAT YOUR FLOOR TO A BEAUTY TREATMENT WITH JOHNSON'S GLO-COAT. THEN YOU'LL HAVE NOT ONLY SPARKLING BEAUTY AND BRIGHT FRESH COLORS, BUT YOU'LL HAVE PROTECTION AND LONG LIFE FOR THE LINOLEUM. MANUFACTURERS OF LINEOLEUM THEMSELVES RECOMMEND GLO-COAT. REGULAR CARE WITH THIS EASY TO USE POLISH ADDS GREATLY TO THE LIFE OF THE FLOOR COVERING. JOHNSON'S GLO-COAT IS SELF POLISHING; IT NEEDS NO RUBBING OR BUFFING. ALL YOU DO IS APPLY AND LET DRY. IN TWENTY MINUTES YOUR FLOOR IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. AND IT'S EASY TO KEEP CLEAN: BECAUSE SPILLED THINGS WIPE UP IN A JIFFY WHEN YOUR FLOOR IS PROTECTED BY JOHNSON'S SELF-POLISHING GLO-COAT.

MUSIC:

BACK

SFX: APPLAUSE

WILCOX:

SOME PEOPLE THINK THE REASON A NEWSPAPER IS PRINTED IN SEVERAL SECTIONS IS SO THE WIND CAN BLOW IT ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD EASIER. THIS IS AN ERRONEOUS IDEA. IT'S REALLY SO TWO PEOPLE CAN READ IT AT THE SAME TIME, LIKE AT 79 WISTFUL VISTA, WHERE, ONE WITH THE SPORTS PAGE AND THE OTHER WITH AFFAIRS OF SOCIETY, WE FIND - FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY!

APPLAUSE

SFX:

PAPER RUSTLING

MOLLY:

HMM! I SEE WHERE HAMFACE GORTON, THE DENVER DESTROYER, KAYOED SLUGGER MALONE IN THE FIFTH ROUND, MCGEE.

FIBBER:

OH MOLLY, PLEASE. THAT DON'T SOUND GOOD COMING FROM YOU.

MOLLY:

WELL, BLAME YOURSELF, DEARIE. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HANDED ME THE SPORTS SECTION, WHILE YOU GRABBED THE NEWS.

FIBBER:

YES, BUT MY GOSH, I-

MOLLY:

OH, LISTEN! GORILLA GROGAN, THE MEMPHIS MURDERER, WINS MAT TUSSLE WITH BORIS, THE BULGARIAN BONEBREAKER. THE GORILLA WAS-

FIBBER:

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! YOU WIN! I'LL SWAP SECTIONS WITH YOU.

SFX:

PAPER RUSTLING

MOLLY:

THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, I NEVER COULD UNDERSTAND...

SFX:

PAPER RUSTLING

MOLLY:

...OHHH, ISN'T THIS SWEET!

FIBBER:

ISN'T WHAT SWEET?

MOLLY:

THIS IS ABOUT MR. AND MRS. CALVIN W. HOOKWEILER, OF SOUTH OAK STREET.

FIBBER:

WHAT'S ABOUT 'EM?

MOLLY:

THEY'RE CELEBRATING THEIR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

FIBBER:

YEAH, I GUESS IT IS AT THAT. SHE MUST BE THE KIND OF A WOMAN WHO NEVER OPENS PERFUME BOTTLES WITH HER HUSBAND'S RAZOR BLADES.

MOLLY:

AND HE MUST BE THE KIND OF MAN WHO NEVER NAGS WHEN HIS WIFE BURNS THE BACON.

FIBBER:

I LIKE BURNED BACON...CHARCOAL...GOOD FOR THE TEETH. BESIDES, YOU NEVER...

MOLLY:

MCGEE?

FIBBER:

HUH?

MOLLY:

(SWEETLY) I HOPE YOU AND I CAN CELEBRATE OUR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. WOULDN'T THAT BE GRAND, DEARIE?

FIBBER:

SURE IT WOULD, BUT - (PAUSE) HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA, MOLLY! WHY DON'T WE DO IT?

MOLLY:

WELL - UH - FINE! BUT I DON'T HAVE TO GO TAKE OFF MY APRON AND PUT ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW, DO I? WE'VE STILL GOT ABOUT 25 YEARS OR SO.

FIBBER:

I MEAN CELEBRATE OUR GOLDEN WEDDING RIGHT NOW! TODAY!

MOLLY:

OH, MCGEE - YOU CAN'T DO THAT! YOU'VE GOT TO BE MARRIED 50 YEARS BEFORE YOU...

FIBBER:

AW-THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS - ALWAYS WAITIN' TILL THE LAST MINUTE. IF WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE OUR GOLDEN WEDDING LET'S CELEBRATE IT RIGHT NOW - WHILE WE'RE SURE OF IT!

MOLLY:

BUT, MCGEE - YOU CAN'T JUST...

FIBBER:

WE'LL GET A FEW FRIENDS OVER HERE AND - NO! WAIT! I GOT A BETTER IDEA. (PAUSE) I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT TONIGHT, BABY!!

MOLLY:

THAT DOES IT! THAT'S FOR ME! YOU TALKED ME INTO IT.

FIBBER:

YES SIR! WE'LL GET DOC AND HARLOW AND ALICE AND MAYBE SOME OTHERS TOGETHER AND GO DOWN TO THE WISTFUL VISTA BILTMORE FOR DINNER AND A LITTLE DANCING.

MOLLY:

WONDERFUL! (LAUGHS) OUR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. IT IS SILLY, MCGEE, BUT - OH DEAR. I HAVEN'T GOT A GIFT FOR YOU.

FIBBER:

AW, FORGET IT. I ALREADY GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU. I WAS GONNA SAVE IT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, BUT THIS IS BETTER.

MOLLY:

OH, MCGEE, YOU DARLING. WHAT IS IT? COME ON, TELL MOTHER!

FIBBER:

NOPE. GIVE IT TO YOU LATER.

MOLLY:

WELL, I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING FOR YOU.

SFX:

DOOR BELL

MOLLY:

COME IN!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

MOLLY:

WELL, IF IT ISN'T MRS. CARSTAIRS. YOU'RE JUST IN TIME, MILLICENT.

FIBBER:

HI YA, CARSTY.

CARSTAIRS:

HELLO, MRS. MCGEE, MR. MCGEE. IN TIME FOR WHAT?

FIBBER:

WELL, CARSTY, MRS. MCGEE AND I ARE CELEBRATING OUR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

CARSTAIRS:

GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY? ISN'T THAT 50 YEARS?

MOLLY:

YES, IT IS MRS. CARSTAIRS, BUT HIMSELF HAS DECIDED..

CARSTAIRS:

WELL, FOR GOODNESS SAKE. WHEN DO FOLKS GET MARRIED BACK IN PEORIA? - WHEN THEY'RE TWO WEEKS OLD!

FIBBER:

NO, WE HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED 50 YEARS YET, CARSTY.

MOLLY:

OF COURSE NOT.

CARSTAIRS:

OH. YOU MEAN IT ONLY SEEMS LIKE 50 YEARS?

MOLLY:

YES, ER, NO! YOU SEE, MR. MCGEE JUST DECIDED WE OUGHT TO CELEBRATE OUR GOLDEN ANNIVERSARY WHILE WERE STILL MORE OR LESS YOUNG ENOUGH TO ENJOY IT. IT IS PRETTY SILLY, ISN'T IT?

FIBBER:

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SILLY?

CARSTAIRS:

I REMEMBER WHEN MR. CARSTAIRS AND I GOT MARRIED. IT WAS A CIVIL CEREMONY, YOU KNOW.

FIBBER:

WHO OFFICIATED, GEORGE WASHINGTON?

CARSTAIRS:

CERTAINLY NOT. BUT IT WAS A GRAND AFFAIR. WE HAD A HUGE RECEPTION IN THE EVENING THAT WAS MARRED ONLY BY MY UNCLE'S PUNCH. IT WAS A KNOCKOUT! HE HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO MAKE IT, THOUGH, ... SINCE THE EXPLOSION.

MOLLY:

OH MY! WHAT EXPLODED, MILLICENT?

CARSTAIRS:

THE PUNCH!

FIBBER:

HMM-SOUNDS LIKE HIS RECIPE WENT OVER WITH A BANG. BUT LISTEN, CARSTY, WE'RE CELEBRATING BY HAVING DINNER AT THE BILTMORE TONIGHT. CARE TO JOIN US?

CARSTY:

OH, MR. MCGEE. I APPRECIATE THE INVITATION. I SHOULD BE DELIGHTED TO ATTEND.

MOLLY:

OH THAT'S WONDERFUL, MILLICENT. WE'LL LOOK FOR YOU THERE. ABOUT 8 PM?

CARSTAIRS:

OH YES, THAT WILL BE--(PAUSE) WENT OVER WITH A BANG! THAT'S A GOOD ONE MR. MCGEE. (LAUGHS POLITELY) WELL, SEE YOU ALL TONIGHT!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BRIDGE TO NEXT SCENE

FIBBER:

SO I SAYS TO MYSELF, ALICE, I SAYS - WE MAY NOT ALL BE TOGETHER 25 YEARS FROM NOW, I SAYS - SO I SAYS WHY NOT CELEBRATE IT NOW I SAYS?

ALICE:

I THINK IT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA, MR. MCGEE. LET ME SEE NOW - WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED 25 YEARS THAT'S YOUR SILVER ANNIVERSARY - 50 IS GOLD - WHAT'S 75?

FIBBER:

DIAMOND.

ALICE:

AND HUNDRED?

FIBBER:

WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED A HUNDRED YEARS, YOU JUST TOTTER OVER TO THE PHONE AND CALL RIPLEY. THAT'S WHAT IS KNOWN AS GETTIN' INTO HIS COLUMN THE HARD WAY. WHY, IF I EVER...

MOLLY:

(ENTERING) OH, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HERE ALICE DARLING. ARE YOU COMING TO OUR DINNER PARTY TONIGHT, DEAR?

ALICE:

I WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR THE WORLD, MRS. MCGEE. I LOVE PARTIES, ANYHOW. I JUST WENT TO ONE NIGHT BEFORE LAST.

MOLLY:

WHAT DO YOU DO, DEAR? DO YOU PLAY PARLOR GAMES, OR DANCE...

ALICE:

PLAY GAMES. GROWNUP GAMES OF COURSE - LIKE SPIN THE BOTTLE AND POST OFFICE.

FIBBER:

POST OFFICE! I DRAW THE LINE AT THAT.

ALICE:

YOU DO, MR. MCGEE?

MOLLY:

YES, DUE TO AN UNFORTUNATE EXPERIENCE IN HIS YOUTH, DEAR.

FIBBER:

PLAYED POST OFFICE AT A HIGH SCHOOL PARTY, ALICE. GIRL NAMED MARGE WAS POSTMISTRESS AT THE TIME...

MOLLY:

THE HUSSY!

FIBBER:

AND SHE CALLS ME INTO THE POST OFFICE, SEE? WELL, SIR, I KINDA BLUSHED AND SMOOTHED BACK MY HAIR AND WALKS IN. HAD A TERRIBLE COWLICK AT THE TIME. "I GOT A LETTER FOR YOU, BREEZY", SHE SAYS. KIDS ALL CALLED ME BREEZY IN THEM DAYS.

MOLLY:

"WINDY," IT WAS.

FIBBER:

OH YES, WINDY. "GOT A LETTER FOR YOU, WINDY", SHE SAYS. SO I SHUTS MY EYES AND PUCKERS UP...

ALICE:

AND SHE KISSED YOU!

MOLLY:

NO, SHE GAVE HIM A LETTER. HER FATHER WAS THE REAL POSTMASTER.

FIBBER:

I NEVER QUITE GOT OVER THAT, ALICE. I WAS A WOMAN-HATER FOR SEVERAL DAYS AFTER THAT.

ALICE:

GEE, NOBODY EVER WANTED TO KISS ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL. I HAD BRACES ON MY TEETH AND THEY CALLED ME IRON-JAW ALICE.

FIBBER:

(LAUGHS) WELL, I GUESS THAT SITUATION HAS IMPROVED SOME BY NOW, HASN'T IT?

ALICE:

I GUESS YOU'D CALL IT AN IMPROVEMENT, MR. MCGEE. I HAD TO WRITE HOME LAST WEEK FOR MY BRACES.

MOLLY:

SAY, ALICE, MAYBE YOU CAN THINK OF SOME LITTLE GADGET MADE OF GOLD THAT I COULD GIVE MR. MCGEE.

ALICE:

WELL, I'LL GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT, MRS. MCGEE, AND-OH, WAIT A MINUTE! I'VE GOT A WONDERFUL IDEA FOR A GIFT FOR HIM.

MOLLY:

OH GOOD! WHISPER IT TO ME, DEAR.

ALICE:

(WHISPERING SOUNDS)

MOLLY:

WELL, IT'S A CUTE IDEA. AND THEY WOULD BE GOLD, ALL RIGHT. BUT MR. MCGEE WOULD ALWAYS FORGET TO FEED THEM. THANKS, ANYWAY.

ALICE:

I'LL KEEP TRYING. SEE YOU TONIGHT.

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

GOLDFISH, EH?

MOLLY:

YOU LISTENED!

FIBBER:

I NEVER DID SUCH THING! I MERELY...

MOLLY:

OH, BY THE WAY, DID YOU RESERVE A TABLE AT THE BILTMORE?

FIBBER:

YEP. TABLE FOR SIX AT EIGHT...OR WAS IT A TABLE FOR EIGHT AT SIX? NOPE, TABLE FOR SIX AT EIGHT, THAT'S WHAT I TOLD 'EM.

MOLLY:

GOOD.

FIBBER:

THIS OUGHTA BE A LOT OF FUN, MOLLY. THEY GOT TWO SWELL BANDS DOWN THERE.

MOLLY:

TWO BANDS? OH DEAR, YOU HAVE TROUBLE ENOUGH KEEPING TIME WITH ONE, MCGEE. I DON'T SEE...

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

WILCOX:

HELLO, FOLKS.

MOLLY:

OH, MR. WILCOX! JUST THE MAN WE WANTED TO SEE!

FIBBER:

YEP. WANT YOU TO COME TO A GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PARTY, JUNIOR.

WILCOX:

SWELL. WHOSE?

MOLLY:

OURS.

(PAUSE)

WILCOX:

WHOSE?

MOLLY:

OURS, MR. WILCOX. AT THE WISTFUL VISTA BILTMORE, TONIGHT.

WILCOX:

TONIGHT? YOUR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY?

FIBBER:

YOU HEERD.

MOLLY:

WILL YOU COME, MR. WILCOX?

WILCOX:

WELL GEE, KIDS, I'D LOVE TO BE THERE, BUT ULYSSES GRANT AND HENRY THE EIGHTH AND I HAVE A DATE TO PLAY SQUAT TAG IN CARNEGIE HALL TONIGHT.

MOLLY:

WE'RE NOT FOOLING, MR. WILCOX. WE'RE SERIOUS.

FIBBER:

CERTAINLY. LOOK, JUNIOR - WE JUST DECIDED TO CELEBRATE OUR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY RIGHT NOW WHILE WE CAN STILL HAVE FUN.

MOLLY:

AND ALICE DARLING, MRS. CARSTAIRS, DOCTOR GAMBLE AND YOU ARE INVITED. WON'T YOU PLEASE COME?

WILCOX:

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHO THOUGHT THIS UP, BUT IT'S PROBABLY THE MOST DELIGHTFULLY IDIOTIC IDEA I EVER HEARD! AND I WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR THE WORLD!

MOLLY:

GOOD! BE THERE ABOUT EIGHT O'CLOCK, MR. WILCOX.

FIBBER:

WE'LL HAVE COCKTAILS FIRST, SEE.

WILCOX:

COCKTAILS?

FIBBER:

WELL, NATCH! OYSTER - SHRIMP - MIXED FRUIT - ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUNIOR.

WILCOX:

GREAT. I'LL JUST HAVE TIME TO PICK UP A LITTLE GIFT.

FIBBER:

NO GIFTS, JUNIOR. THAT'S OUT, SEE.

MOLLY:

THE PRESENTS ARE JUST BETWEEN MCGEE AND ME, MR. WILCOX. ONLY I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING FOR HIM YET. HAVE YOU ANY IDEAS? SOMETHING GOLD, THAT DOESN'T COST TOO MUCH?

WILCOX:

WELL, LET ME THINK A MINUTE ... UH...OH, SURE, I KNOW JUST THE THING!

MOLLY:

OH, GOOD. WHAT IS IT? PUT YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS, MCGEE.

FIBBER:

OKAY, GO AHEAD.

WILCOX:

(LOWERS VOICE) LOOK, MOLLY, YOU KNOW THAT GOLDEN OAK DRESSER HE HAS IN THE BEDROOM?

MOLLY:

YES.

WILCOX:

WELL, THAT'S SORT OF GOLDEN, SEE? SO WHY DON'T WE SEND HIM OUT FOR AWHILE AND SLIP UP THERE AND POLISH IT ALL WITH JOHNSON'S WAX! MAKE IT LOOK BEAUTIFUL!

MOLLY:

(LOWERED VOICE) YES, BUT FOR A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY GIFT, THAT HARDLY SEEMS VERY...

WILCOX:

OH, BUT THERE'S NOTHING MORE PLEASANT TO LOOK AT THAN A JOHNSON WAXED PIECE OF FURNITURE, MOLLY.

MOLLY:

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WILCOX:

AND EVERY TIME HE SEES IT HE'LL THINK HOW WONDERFUL IT IS TO BE MARRIED TO SUCH A GOOD HOUSEKEEPER. SO EFFICIENT. SO ECONOMICAL. A WOMAN WHO THINKS OF JOHNSON'S WAX IMMEDIATELY WHEN SHE NEEDS TO MAKE SURE HER HOME IS MORE ATTRACTIVE. WHY JOHNSON'S WAX IS...

FIBBER:

NOW JUST A DARN MINUTE, WAXY. WHAT'S JOHNSON'S WAX GOT TO DO WITH THIS?

MOLLY:

MCGEE, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LISTENING!

FIBBER:

I WASN'T LISTENING.

WILCOX:

THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT?

FIBBER:

LOOK, JUNIOR, WHEN YOU GET THAT SLAP-HAPPY LOOK ON YOUR PAN, WHEN YOUR CHEST STARTS GOIN' UP AND DOWN LIKE A MOVIE HERO IN A CLINCH, WHEN YOU START SWAYIN' LIKE YOU WERE IN A TRANCE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

MOLLY:

WELL, I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE SO ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT SOMETHING, MCGEE. THE ONLY THING YOU WERE EVER CARRIED AWAY BY, WAS THE AMBULANCE THE TIME YOU HAD PNEUMONIA.

WILCOX:

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY USE ON THOSE AMBULANCES TO KEEP THEM SO SHINY AND..

FIBBER & MOLLY (TOGETHER) YES, WE KNOW!

WILCOX:

I WAS AFRAID YOU DID. WELL, SEE YOU TONIGHT, FOLKS.

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

APPLAUSE

MOLLY:

OH, I'M SO GLAD HE'S COMING, MCGEE. HE'S A LOT OF FUN AT A PARTY.

FIBBER:

HE'LL PROBABLY WANT TO DANCE ALL NIGHT. I HEAR HE'S BEEN TAKING RHUMBA LESSONS FROM ARTHUR MURRAY HIMSELF.

MOLLY:

I STILL WISH I COULD THINK OF A GIFT FOR YOU. SOMETHING GOLD. SAY, YOU DON'T HAVE A BILL CLIP, DO YOU?

FIBBER:

DON'T NEED ONE. I JUST THROW 'EM ON THE HALL TABLE WHEN THE MAILMAN DELIVERS THEM. BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT...

FX:

DOOR BELL

MOLLY:

COME IN!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

MOLLY:

OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKES - DOCTOR GAMBLE. HELLO, DOCTOR.

DOC:

HELLO, MOLLY. AND HOW ARE YOU TODAY, GOOD-LOOKING?

FIBBER:

FINE, DOC, THANKS.

DOC:

I WAS STILL TALKING TO MOLLY.

FIBBER:

OH, WELL, LOOK, YOU'RE INVITED TO DINNER WITH US TONIGHT, DOC. AT THE WISTFUL VISTA BILTMORE. EIGHT O'CLOCK. IT'S A CELEBRATION.

DOC:

CELEBRATION OF WHAT?

MOLLY:

OUR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

(PAUSE)

DOC:

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY EARS. I BETTER SEE A DOCTOR AND - WHAT AM I SAYING? I AM A DOCTOR!

FIBBER:

AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR EARS THAT A LITTLE ADHESIVE TAPE WOULDN'T HAVE FIXED WHEN YOU WERE A BABY, DOC. INSTEAD OF WAITING TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, WE'RE CELEBRATING OUR GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TONIGHT. DON'T THAT MAKE SENSE?

DOC:

NO IT DOESN'T-BUT IT'S A SPLENDID IDEA, FOR YOU, AT LEAST.

MOLLY:

WHY FOR HIM, DOCTOR?

DOC:

WELL, IN ANOTHER 25 YEARS, MOLLY, YOU'LL STILL BE A HANDSOME, HEALTHY SPECIMEN OF WOMANHOOD. BUT LITTLE BELT-STRETCHER THERE WILL RESEMBLE A WEARY BABOON WITH ARTERIES LIKE A CLAY PIPE!

FIBBER:

OH, IS THAT SO! IN 25 YEARS I'LL COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND DO A STANDING BROAD JUMP OVER YOUR WHEEL CHAIR, YOU SUPER-ANNUATED OLD PILL ROLLER!

DOC:

YOU COULDN'T DO RUNNING HOP OVER A CRACK IN THE SIDEWALK RIGHT NOW, LARD-BUCKET.

FIBBER:

THAT'S ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT IT, YOU MALPRACTICING OLD MUSCLE-TWITCHER. YOU COULDN'T DIAGNOSE A CASE OF ROOT BEER!

MOLLY:

NOW BOYS, AFTER ALL, THIS IS HARDLY THE TIME FOR...

DOC:

LET HIM RANT, MOLLY. HE'S JUST GOT A PHYSICAL INFERIORITY COMPLEX BECAUSE HE HASN'T GOT ENOUGH LEG MUSCLES TO KEEP HIS GARTERS UP!

FIBBER:

WHY YOU...

DOC:

AWW - SAVE YOUR BREATH, HILLBILLY. YOU'LL NEED IT TONIGHT TO ARGUE WITH THE WAITER WHEN HE BRINGS YOU YOUR CHECK. SEE YOU DOWN THERE.

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

APPLAUSE

MOLLY:

ISN'T HE A SWEET OLD CHARACTER?

FIBBER:

HE'S OLD ALL RIGHT-AND HE'S A CHARACTER - BUT IF HE'S SWEET, I'M SHIRLEY TEMPLE'S GRANDSON. HE'S ABOUT THE...

MOLLY:

LOOK, DEARIE, I'VE GOT TO GET UPSTAIRS AND START GETTING READY. (FADING) CAN YOU BRING UP MY PARTY DRESS?

FIBBER:

OKAY, SNOOKY. AH, THERE'S GOES A GOOD KID. SHE KNOWS THIS IS THE SILLIEST IDEA I EVER COOKED UP, BUT DOES SHE SQUAWK? YELPS HER PRETTY HEAD OFF UNTIL SHE FINDS OUT WE'RE GOIN' DANCIN'. THEN SHE SHUTS UP LIKE...OH NEVER MIND. LET'S SEE, WHERE IS HER DRESS? I THINK SHE KEEPS IT WRAPPED UP HERE IN THE HALL CLOSET.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS.

SFX:

CLOSET ROUTINE, FOLLOWED BY BELL.

FIBBER:

GOTTA CLEAN OUT THAT CLOSET ONE OF THESE DAYS!

SFX:

DOOR BELL

FIBBER:

COME IN!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

TEENY:

HI, MISTER!

FIBBER:

OH, HELLO, TEENY. COME IN.

TEENY:

WHATCHA DOIN' MISTER? HMM? WHATCHA DOIN', HUH? WHATCHA DOIN?

FIBBER:

WHY, MRS. MCGEE AND I ARE GETTIN' READY TO CELEBRATE OUR GOLDEN WEDDIN' ANNIVERSARY TONIGHT, SIS.

TEENY:

WHAT'S A GOLDEN WEDDIN' ANNIVERSITY, MISTER? HMM? WHAT IS IT?

FIBBER:

WELL, IT'S SORT OF A LONG STORY, SIS...

TEENY:

OH, GOODY!

FIBBER:

YOU SEE, THE WHOLE THING STARTS WHEN TWO YOUNG PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE.

TEENY:

AWW?

FIBBER:

THEY GET ENGAGED, THEY GET MARRIED AND THEN, HAND-IN-HAND, THEY START DOWN THE LONG ROAD OF LIFE TOGETHER...

TEENY:

WHY'S IT A ROAD, MISTER? HMM? WHY IS IT?

FIBBER:

WELL, UH, BECAUSE IT'S SO EASY TO GET IN A RUT, I GUESS.

TEENY:

(NOT UNDERSTANDING) OH.

FIBBER:

ANYHOW, THEY GO ALONG HAND-IN-HAND, SIDE-BY-SIDE, ALWAYS TOGETHER...

TEENY:

WHO?

FIBBER:

THE BOY AND THE GIRL.

TEENY:

BOY AND GIRL?

FIBBER:

IN THE STORY!

TEENY:

OH BOY, A STORY. I LOVE STORIES. TELL IT TO ME, MISTER! GO ON, TELL IT TO ME!

FIBBER:

DADRAT IT, SIS, I'M TRYIN' TO TELL IT TO YOU. ANYHOW, THEY GO ALONG THROUGH THE YEARS, SHARING EVERYTHING, THROUGH TROUBLES AND TRIAL AND TRIBULATION ...

TEENY:

WHY DID THEY GET ARRESTED, MISTER?

FIBBER:

HUH? THEY DIDN'T GET ARRESTED, SIS. I SAYS THEY...

TEENY:

THEN WHY DO THEY HAFTA GO THROUGH A TRIAL? WERE THEY FRAMED?

FIBBER:

LOOK, SIS. SKIP THE TRIAL.

TEENY:

OKAY. I'LL READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPERS, ANYWAY.

FIBBER:

ALL RIGHT! SO THIS YOUNG COUPLE GOES ALONG THROUGH SICKNESS AND SORROW, THROUGH GRIEF AND BAD LUCK AND MISFORTUNE, THROUGH SADNESS AND MISERY AND TROUBLE...

TEENY:

GEE, DON'T THEY EVER HAVE ANY FUN?

FIBBER:

OH, SURE-SOME. BUT THEY GO RIGHT AHEAD ANYWAY, RESOLUTELY MARCHING FORWARD DOWN THE ROCKY ROAD OF TIME - HER LITTLE HAND IN HIS, HER LITTLE HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER, TILL ALL AT ONCE ONE OF 'EM HAPPENS TO TAKE A GANDER AT A CALENDAR AND THIS THING'S BEEN GOIN' ON FOR FIFTY YEARS.

TEENY:

OH, BOY!

FIBBER:

SO, THEY THROW A BIG GOLDEN WEDDIN' CELEBRATION AND ALL THEIR FRIENDS COME AND WHOOP AND HOLLER AND SPILL STUFF ALL OVER THE FURNITURE, AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND GET THEIR PICTURES IN THE PAPER.

TEENY:

GEE, THAT'S A WONDERFUL STORY, MISTER. CAN I HAVE A GOLDEN WEDDIN' ANNIVERSITY, MISTER? HMM? CAN I? HMM?

FIBBER:

(CHUCKLES) PROBABLY, SOME DAY.

TEENY:

WILL I HAVE TO GROW UP AND GET MARRIED, LIKE MRS. MCGEE?

FIBBER:

WELL, CERTAINLY.

TEENY:

WILL I HAVE A HUSBAND LIKE MRS. MCGEE'S GOT?

FIBBER:

OOH, IF YOU'RE LUCKY.

TEENY:

AND I'LL HAVE TO HAVE HIM FOR 50 YEARS?

FIBBER:

SURE.

TEENY:

OH, BOY - WHAT SOME WOMEN WON'T DO TO GET THEIR PICTURES IN THE PAPER! SO LONG, MISTER!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BRIDGE TO NEXT SCENE

SFX:

NIGHTCLUB AMBIANCE - MUSIC, SHUFFLING FEET, OCCASIONAL DISHES, PEOPLE QUIETLY TALKING.

MOLLY:

AHH, ISN'T THIS NICE, MCGEE?

FIBBER:

SWELL. FLOOR'S PRETTY CROWDED, BUT I'LL WEAVE US THROUGH THAT MOB WITHOUT BUMPING INTO- OOOOPS! SORRY, SIS.

MOLLY:

BE CAREFUL, DEARIE.

FIBBER:

OH, I'M OKAY-- FOOT SLIPPED. WHEN YOU GOT A NATURAL SENSE OF RHYTHM LIKE I GOT, YOU DON'T - WHOOPS!!!!

MOLLY:

OH DEAR, YOU NEARLY KNOCKED THAT MAN DOWN, MCGEE.

FIBBER:

YEAH. SORRY, BUD. I DIDN'T MEAN ... OH IT'S YOU HARLOW.

WILCOX:

THAT'S ME ALL RIGHT. IN THE FLESH. THE BADLY BRUISED FLESH, I MIGHT ADD.

FIBBER:

HE'D BETTER WATCH WHERE HE'S GOIN'-LIABLE TO HURT SOMEBODY.

MOLLY:

(DREAMY MOOD) MCGEE, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST DANCE YOU EVER TOOK ME TO? BACK IN PEORIA?

FIBBER:

SURE I DO! IN THE HIGH SCHOOL GYM.

MOLLY:

THAT WAS THE NIGHT SOMEBODY TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS WHILE WE WERE ALL DANCING.

FIBBER:

YEAH. (CHUCKLES) AND WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT, YOU DUCKED AND I KISSED MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER!

MOLLY:

MISS FIDDITCH. (LAUGHS) I REMEMBER. AND SHE SLAPPED THE PRESIDENT OF THE SCHOOL BOARD!

FIBBER:

AND HIS WIFE TOOK HIM RIGHT HOME. (LAUGHS) BOY, THOSE WERE THE DAYS. SOMETIMES I WISH I-OWWW! WATCH YOUR ELBOW, BUD. OH, OH, THAT'S MY ELBOW.

MOLLY:

MAYBE IF YOU HELD THEM A LITTLE CLOSER TO YOUR SIDES, MCGEE...

FIBBER:

AW, THIS IS OKAY. GET A BETTER BALANCE ON THE TURNS WITH 'EM OUT LIKE THIS. YOU SEE, IF YOU DON'T SQUARE OFF GOOD ON THE TURNS, YOU'RE LIABLE TO SKID WHEN YOU..

MUSIC:

STOPS DURING LAST SPEECH, AND APPLAUSE BEGINS FROM PATRONS

FIBBER:

(STARTLED) WHAT HAPPENED? DID I MISS SOMETHING? WHAT'S THE...

MOLLY:

THE MUSIC ENDED, THAT'S ALL.

FIBBER:

OH, I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMETHIN' FUNNY. COME ON, LET'S GET BACK TO THE TABLE. I DIDN'T HAVE MY PIE YET, AND IF DOC GAMBLE GETS THERE FIRST, HE'S LIABLE TO...

MOLLY:

RELAX, DEARIE. HE AND ALICE CAME OFF THE DANCE FLOOR RIGHT BEHIND US AND...

DOC:

(FADING IN) WELL, I SEE YOU TWO MADE IT ALL RIGHT.

FIBBER:

OLD STUFF FOR US, OLD STUFF.

DOC:

OH, AND THANKS AGAIN FOR THE DANCE, ALICE.

ALICE:

IT WAS FUN, DOCTOR.

SFX:

SCRAPE OF CHAIRS, SHUFFLE OF FEET AS THEY ARE SEATED

FIBBER:

YEAH, IT LOOKED LIKE FUN! GAMBLE, YOU GET AROUND THAT DANCE FLOOR LIKE A HAMSTRUNG HIPPOPOTAMUS.

DOCTOR:

(PLEASANTLY) WELL, THANKS, MY BOY. YOU DANCE WITH ALL THE CAREFREE ABANDON OF A RUNAWAY BULLDOZER YOURSELF. I COULD ALWAYS TELL WHERE YOU WERE BY THE TRAIL OF PEOPLE NURSING BRUISES. AND GRUDGES.

FIBBER:

HEY, HAVE YOU HAD SOME CHERRY PIE, DOC? HOW IS IT?

SFX:

CLINK OF FORK ON PLATE

DOC:

JUST LIKE MOTHER USED TO MAKE, MCGEE.

MOLLY:

YOUR MOTHER A GOOD COOK, DOCTOR?

DOCTOR:

TERRIBLE!

FIBBER:

(MOUTH FULL) TASTES OKAY TO ME.

MOLLY:

OH, THIS HAS BEEN A WONDERFUL EVENING DEARIE. THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WRONG.

FIBBER:

(MOUTH FULL) WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOLLY?

MOLLY:

OH, I JUST FEEL BADLY THAT I NEVER DID GET A GIFT FOR YOU, THAT'S ALL.

FIBBER:

AWWW...

MOLLY:

AND I LOVE THE GIFT YOU GAVE ME! WHO ELSE WOULD EVER HAVE THOUGHT OF A GOLD THIMBLE?

SFX:

CLINK OF FORK ON PLATE

FIBBER:

(MOUTH FULL) WELL, I KNEW YOU ALWAYS - OWW! OHHHH! OHHHH!

AD LIB SYMPATHY FROM DOC, ALICE WILCOX AND CARSTAIRS

MOLLY:

MCGEE! DARLING! WHAT ON EARTH?

FIBBER:

OHHH! 'ROKE A TOOF! CHERRY PIT! OHHH, DADRAT THE...

DOCTOR:

HERE, MY BOY, LET'S SEE IT.

FIBBER:

NO, DON'T TOUCH IT! GET YOUR BIG FAT HANDS OFF OF -- OHHH!

MOLLY:

OH DEAR! WHAT CAN...

DOCTOR:

BETTER GET HIM TO A DENTIST RIGHT AWAY.

MOLLY:

AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT?

DOCTOR:

THERE'S ONE HAS OFFICES NEXT DOOR TO MINE, MOLLY. YOU GRAB A CAB AND RUSH HIM OVER THERE. I'LL GET ON THE PHONE AND HAVE THE DENTIST THERE WAITING.. (FADING) GO AHEAD NOW.

MOLLY:

OH THANK YOU, DOCTOR. COME ON, DEARIE. OH DEAR, OF ALL THE...

WAITER:

IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG, SIR?

MOLLY:

THERE CERTAINLY IS, WAITER, MY HUSBAND JUST BROKE A TOOTH ON A PIECE OF YOUR PIE. COME ON, DEARIE.

WAITER:

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, MADAM. REST ASSURED, SIR, THAT THE HOTEL WILL NOT CHARGE YOU A CENT FOR...

MOLLY:

FOR THE DINNER?

WAITER:

FOR THE PIE, MADAM.

FIBBER:

NOW LOOK BUD I'VE GOT NO TIME TO WAIT HERE. JUST GIVE MY BILL TO THE BIG FAT GUY OVER THERE. THE ONE WITH THE STETHOSCOPE IN HIS POCKET. COME ON, LET'S GO.

MUSIC:

LONG BRIDGE TO NEXT SCENE

FIBBER:

(MOANS)

DENTIST:

THAT'S IT, JUST SIT BACK IN THE CHAIR, MR. MCGEE, AND WE'LL HAVE A LOOK. RELAX NOW.

FIBBER:

WILL IT HURT MUCH, DOC?

DENTIST:

NO, OF COURSE NOT. OPEN UP NOW, LET'S LOOK IN THERE. HMMMM.

MOLLY:

HE BROKE IT ON THE CHERRY PIT, DOCTOR.

DENTIST:

WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO DRILL THAT A LITTLE BIT NOW. OPEN WIDER.

FIBBER:

(MOANS)

DENTIST:

A LITTLE WIDER NOW, I'VE GOT TO GO IN THERE WITH THIS DRILL.

FIBBER (OPENS WIDE)

DENTIST:

NOT THAT WIDE. I'M NOT GOING IN, JUST THE DRILL.

SFX:

DRILL

DENTIST:

THAT'S BETTER.

MOLLY:

YOU SEE, WE WERE HAVING A LITTLE DINNER PARTY DOWN..

FIBBER:

A GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

DENTIST:

WHOSE GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY?

MOLLY:

OURS, DOCTOR.

DENTIST:

YOURS? MY WORD, HOW OLD WERE YOU TWO WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED?

MOLLY:

FIBBER HIMSELF HERE WAS 21, BUT I...

DENTIST:

TWENTY-ONE? AND FIFTY...? THAT'S AMAZING. BY GEORGE, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE SO WELL PRESERVED.

FIBBER:

WHO, ME?

DENTIST:

I WOULDN'T TAKE HIM TO BE A DAY OVER 65, MRS. MCGEE. YES, HE COULD ALMOST PASS FOR A MAN OF SIXTY. HE HAS THE TEETH OF A MAN OF SIXTY.

MOLLY:

WELL, DOCTOR YOU SEE...

DENTIST:

THERE WE ARE MR. MCGEE, YOU CAN SIT UP NOW.

FIBBER:

FEELS BETTER, DOC.

DENTIST:

YES, SIR. BUT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE YOU A NEW TOOTH THERE.

FIBBER:

A NEW TOOTH? WHAT KIND OF A NEW TOOTH?

DENTIST:

A NEW GOLD TOOTH.

MOLLY:

A GOLD TOOTH? WHY THAT'S WONDERFUL. I'LL PAY FOR IT MYSELF.

FIBBER:

HAH?

MOLLY:

THAT'S MY PRESENT, DEARIE. A GOLDEN WEDDING PRESENT GOLD TOOTH TO YOU.

FIBBER:

A GOLD TOOTH? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

MUSIC

MOLLY: YOU KNOW, MCGEE, I STILL THINK A GOLDEN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY IS A WONDERFUL THING.

FIBBER:

SO DO I.

MOLLY:

AND I'M SO GLAD I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO GET YOU THE GIFT I WANTED.

FIBBER:

YEAH. A GOLD TOOTH!

MOLLY:

AND I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE EVERY COUPLE WHO ARE CELEBRATING THEIRS, OR PLANNING TO CELEBRATE IT SOME DAY. I HOPE THEY HAVE A LONG LIFE, AND A HAPPY ONE!

FIBBER:

AND LOTS OF ICE CREAM FOR DESSERT!

MOLLY:

WHY ICE CREAM?

FIBBER:

NO PITS!

MOLLY:

OH.

FIBBER:

GOODNIGHT.

MOLLY:

GOOD NIGHT, ALL.

MUSIC:

THEME UP AND THEN UNDER FOR-

WILCOX:

THIS IS HARLOW WILCOX, SPEAKING FOR THE MAKERS OF JOHNSON WAX FINISHES FOR HOME AND INDUSTRY, INVITING YOU TO BE WITH US AGAIN NEXT TUESDAY NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

MUSIC:

THEME PLAYS TO END.

WILCOX:

THIS IS NBC, THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

SFX:

NBC CHIMES