ANNCR:

From Hollywood...The Judy Canova Show...brought to you each week by the Colgate-Palmolive-Peet Company, makers of Halo Shampoo to glorify your hair, and Colgate Dental Cream, to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay.

MUSIC:

THEME...FADE AND UNDER:

ANNCR:

Halo Shampoo and Colgate Dental Cream, present the Judy Canova Show, with Mel Blanc, Ruby Dandridge, Verna Felton, Hans Conreid, Sheldon Leonard, Charles Dant and his orchestra, and starring.......JUDY CANOVA!!!!!!

(APPLAUSE)

 

MUSIC:

"STRANGER" ["WHY FALL IN LOVE WITH A STRANGER" SUNG BY JUDY]

(APPLAUSE)

 

PETRIE:

Well, if you were a young woman who was madly in love, and had a date with the young man of your choice, would you let events take their due course...?

JUDY:

If you would, you got rocks in your head.

PETRIE:

Or, would you be like a certain young person we know and install extra love-seats in the parlor...turn the lights down low...then put a daub of perfume behind one ear...

SOUND:

EXAGGERATED SQUISH FROM SELTZER BOTTLE:

PETRIE:

Another daub behind the other ear...

SOUND:

EFFECT AS BEFORE:

PETRIE:

Then, as a final check before your boy-friend arrives, look at yourself in the mirror and say ---

JUDY:

(LOUD SCREAM)

PETRIE:

Then, turn the lights down lower ---

JUDY:

There, Miss Pierce, I got the parlor fixed up nice and romantical for my date. Golly, I hope Joe won't want to go out tonight.....

FELTON:

Go out, Judy?

JUDY:

Yeah, he always wants to park up in the hills on Mulholland Drive.

FELTON:

Oh, Judy, I wouldn't go there. Everybody and his brother parks up there in the hills.

JUDY:

That's what you keep telling me, Miss Pierce, but you're wrong. I opened the door of each car up there and looked in, and not one feller was with his brother.

FELTON:

Oh, Judy, you're so naive. Didn't your mother ever tell you the real facts.

JUDY:

(DUMB) The real facts?

FELTON:

Yes, Judy, about the birds and bees....er....you know, didn't she tell you how the bees take the pollen and flit from flower to flower?

JUDY:

That's silly....any bee that took Flit would be dead. Shucks, Miss Pierce, I just know Joe is aching to pop the question about marriage. I'm sure he loves me.

FELTON:

And, what makes you so sure, Judy?

JUDY:

Well, every time he takes me in his arms, I can hear a loud thump-thump-thump under his coat. That's love.

FELTON:

(CHUCKLES) Don't be so sure, honey. I was fooled lots of times like that by a dollar watch.

JUDY:

Gosh, I just couldn't stand it if it turned out like that with Joe. Why -- this is the biggest thing that's come into my life.

GERANIUM:

(LAUGHING) Somebody talking about me!

JUDY:

Oh, hello, Geranium. Say, I want to thank you for helping me fix the furniture in the parlor so nice for my date.

GERANIUM:

Oh, it was easy, Miss Judy. I'm used to it. When I have a date with my boy-friend, Pomeroy, I put three love-seats right in a row.

JUDY:

Three love-seats in a row???

GERANIUM:

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) One for Pomeroy, one for me, and one for the excess baggage.

JUDY:

Geranium, I would think you and Pomeroy would want to sit on the same love-seat.

GERANIUM:

Oh, we tried sitting on the same love-seat once, ma'am.

JUDY:

What happened?

GERANIUM:

(LAUGHS) Kindling wood!

JUDY:

Say, maybe I can get some pointers here for my date with Joe. Geranium, when you bill and coo with Pomeroy, what do you say to him?

GERANIUM:

(COY) Oh, I get very "confectionary".....I call him my great big sugar plum pie.

JUDY:

Ooh! Then what does he say to you?

GERANIUM:

He says: "My little frosted popsicle, come melt in the arms of your good humor man!"

JUDY:

Oh gosh, look at the time. Joe ought to be here any minute.

FELTON:

Well, Judy, I'm going to run along now. Lots of luck with Joe. I hope you get him in a matrimonial mood.

ORCH:

TRANSITION...."LAMOUR-TOUJOUR"..OR ROMANTIC THEME:

JUDY:

(COY - ROMANTIC) Joe, ain't it cozy sitting here on the love-seat in the dim light?

JOE:

(SAME) Yeah, babe.....yeah...

JUDY:

Joe - we're all alone.

JOE:

That's right, Judy - and I'm a man...and you're a woman!

JUDY:

Yeah, ain't it nice when there's one of each? Joe?

JOE:

What, Judy!

JUDY:

Say sumpin' romantical.

JOE:

(SCHMALZ) Judy - you are a feast for the eyes, a tantalizing, appealing, delicious dish.

JUDY:

That's wonderful. Did you make that up?

JOE:

No - I read it on a can of pork and beans....

JUDY:

That's sweet. Say some more, Joe.

JOE:

Judy, babe, we are like them great lovers what were written about in that great play by William Jerkspeare. I am your Mark Anthony and you are my Cleoputrid.

JUDY:

Gee -- Tony and Cleo.

JOE:

Yeah, and like Romeo and Juliet....you're my "Julie".

JUDY:

(NAIVE) Yeah, and you're my "Rummy".

JOE:

Judy, babe, I think about you all the time.

JUDY:

Do you really, Joe?

JOE:

At night in my lonely room, I lie there looking at the ceiling and I see your face up on the ceiling staring back at me.

JUDY:

(PLEASED) Then, what do you do?

JOE:

I turn over and sleep on my stomach.

JUDY:

Joe, I always think about you too. Whenever I get letters from you, I always kiss the stamps on 'em because I know your lips have touched them.

JOE:

That's a shame, babe.

JUDY:

Why, Joe?

JOE:

My cocker spaniel licked the last one...

JUDY:

(COY) Joe, ain't you ever dreamed of someday settling down in a little honeymoon cottage just for two?

JOE:

That I have, babe, and today I gazed my eyes on just the dream cottage. The kitchen - it was gorgeous - the floors covered with petroleum....the dining room was beautiful. But the bathroom, babe...the bath-room was out of this world.

JUDY:

(DISAPPOINTED) Joe, ain't that a little inconvenient?

JOE:

Yeah, but I guess I'll never be able to buy it. After all, I'm only a cab driver and always will be. Let's turn on the radio and forget about it.

JUDY:

(RESIGNED) Okay, Joe, if that's the way you feel. Here's the knob here. I'll try to get some nice music.

SOUND:

CLICK - STATIC....CLEARS UP FOR NEXT SPEECH.

BLANC:

(CHINESE GIBBERISH - THEN DIALECT FOR:) "At 10 South Main Street".

JUDY:

Oh, that's that Chinese commercial.

BLANC:

(DIALECT) Be sure to patronize California's oldest Chinese underwear firm - Hang Far Down.

JUDY:

There must be some music on here somewhere.

SOUND:

FAN FARE

BLANC:

(STRAIGHT - DYNAMIC) Attention everyone! Would you like a brand new 1950 Cadillac, a six years diet supply of Rye Krisp, a set of beautiful furs from I. J. Fox, a 144 pieces of Bazooka Bubble Gum, a dozen wonderful Resistal Hats and a lifetime supply of Lemon Lifesavers?

JUDY:

We sure would!

BLANC:

(SILLY) Well, why don't you go out and buy some - cheapskate!

JOE:

Judy, is that the best you can do. Let me try that dial.

SOUND:

A LITTLE STATIC AND THEN VOICE

CONRIED:

(AFFECTED JOVIALITY THRUOUT) Well, well, well, here's the next contestant on the finals of our $50,000 Quiz Show - Mr. August B. Schmirkheimer of Bellflower...Mr. Schmirkheimer would you mind talking into the microphone?

BLANC:

Not at all, buddy -- just wait till the next time it comes around. (HICCUPS)

CONRIED:

Mr. Schmirkheimer, if you answer this question correctly you will receive $25,000 in cash and a honeymoon trip around the world.

BLANC:

(SUSPICIOUS) Wait a minute... How's about my wife? Does she go along, too?

CONRIED:

Why - yes?

BLANC:

H'm, I knew there was a catch to it.

CONREID:

Now then. The question: Who was the most famous United States Marshal of the old West? I'll give you a hint. His first name was Wild Bill...Wild Bill - what!

BLANC:

(HICCUPS)

CONREID:

Wild Bill Hickock! You're absolutely right!...Pay that man twenty-five thousand dollars!... Folks, you too can be contestants for $25,000. We are especially interested in engaged and young married couples. Just send in your name and address to the (BOARD FADE) station to which you are listening.

SOUND:

RADIO CLICKED OFF

JUDY:

Joe! Did you hear that! There's a chance for us to win $25,000! You can pay for your taxi, and maybe some day we could afford to get married. We'll send in our names, huh?

JOE:

Yeah, babe, but do you think we got a chance of winning the dough?

JUDY:

Sure we have, Joe. I always stump them experts on the quiz shows.

JOE:

(DOUBTFUL) You stump the experts on the quiz shows!

JUDY:

(CONFIDENT) Sure. I've been on ten of them and not one of them could guess what I was.

ORCH:

PLAY-OFF

(APPLAUSE)

 

ANNCR #1:

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ANNCR #2:

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ANNCR #1:

Eminent dental authorities supervised hundreds of college men and women for over two years. One group always brushed their teeth with COLGATE'S right after eating. The other followed their usual dental care.

ANNCR #2:

The group using COLGATE DENTAL CREAM as directed, using COLGATE'S exclusively, showed a startling reduction in average number of cavities -- far less tooth decay! The other group developed new cavities at a much higher rate! No other dentifrice offers proof of these results!

ANNCR #1:

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ANNCR #2:

So remember! Always use COLGATE DENTAL CREAM to clean your breath while you clean your teeth -- and help stop tooth decay!

MUSIC:

INTRO AND FADE

ANNCR:

Now back to Judy Canova, and the Sportsmen and the song all America is excited about, "MULE TRAIN"

MUSIC:

"MULE TRAIN" [SUNG BY JUDY AND THE SPORTSMEN QUARTET...APPARENTLY INCLUDES WHIP-CRACKING]

(APPLAUSE)

 

PETRIE:

Thanks, Judy, and Sportsmen for a wonderful rendition of "Mule Train" ... and thank you, Clyde Beatty. Well, it is a week later and Judy is explaining to Patsy Pierce how happy she is that she and Joe have been picked to appear as contestants on the big quiz show.

JUDY:

Say, Miss Pierce, wouldn't it be wonderful if me and Joe won a $25,000 prize, and a trip around the world, and he cleaned up all his debts and asked me to marry him!

FELTON:

It sure would, Judy. Do you like big weddings or little ones?

JUDY:

I like big weddings first...(COY) ..we'll have the little ones later on. Golly, I can just picture me and Joe happy as birds, working together - We'd even do the housework together. I'd wash the dishes with him - and dust the furniture with him......

FELTON:

Judy, suppose Joe flirted with another girl?

JUDY:

Then I'd mop the floor with him.

FELTON:

Ah, Judy, you can't trust any man too far...I know... When I was a young girl, men flirted with me, too..Why, I remember when I went in swimming, a man would take one look at me and want to hold my hand under the water.

JUDY:

And now?

CONREID:

(FAST) Now they want to hold her head under.

JUDY:

Mr. Hemingway, you're just a boarder here, and I find your actions are obnoxious, flamboyant and completely non compis mentis.

CONREID:

Miss Canova, you don't know what you're saying.

JUDY:

I don't have to know what I'm saying. All I'm supposed to do is read what it says here.

FELTON:

That's right, Mr. Hemingway..You've always called Judy stupid...Well, today she is going on a quiz program.. She's going to answer questions.

JUDY:

Yeah, and then you'll find out how stupid I am.

CONREID:

Miss Canova, as a boarder here I have certain privileges, and I find the yackety yacking of you two chattering gargoyles is interfering with my reading. In the evening I like to quietly retire to my room and go through a good book from cover to cover.

FELTON:

Well, what worm doesn't.

JUDY:

Yeah, Miss Pierce and me were discussing something important...You see me and Joe are going on a quiz program and win a lot of money and a honeymoon trip around the world.

CONREID:

A trip around the world? My, my...the prize couldn't be that much, Miss Canova..Do you know what the world consists of?

JUDY:

Sure, 55 nations..all having a wonderful time spending our money.

CONREID:

Miss Canova, I have a suggestion. For a small fee I would gladly tutor you for your quiz show appearance....that is, if you'd kindly get rid of our dear friend, Miss Fuzz Face of 1916.

FELTON:

(MAD) Ooooh! Mr. Hemingway, I don't like those cracks on my face.

CONREID:

I wouldn't like them if they were on my face, either.

FELTON:

(MAD) Oooh, Judy, before I forget I'm a lady and sail into this second cousin to Mighty Joe Young, tell me...does Mr. Hemingway carry life insurance?

JUDY:

No, fire insurance...he knows where he's going. (UP) Say, I'd better get going to the broadcast, I'm supposed to meet Joe over at the studio... (CALLS) Pedro.....oh, Pedro!

PEDRO:

(FADES IN) Si, senorita..

JUDY:

Oh, Pedro, is that you?

PEDRO:

Oh, si, senorita, I can tell it is me by the way I am dressed....I think...

JUDY:

Pedro, I want you to drive me over to the quiz show right away. I don't want to be late.

PEDRO:

Senorita, I would have come more quicker, but I can't be where I wasn't, if you want me to be where I am, unless you send me where I'm going, but I can't get there from here - I think.

JUDY:

Pedro, if you like, you can watch me and Joe on the quiz show.

PEDRO:

Oh, gracias, Senorita. But those quiz announcers think they know everything. Last week one of them said that a cat had nine lives. Gollies, that's nothing.

JUDY:

It's nothing?

PEDRO:

Si. My cousin Gonzales told me he has a frog in his backyard that croaks every minute. Senorita, once I entered a contest on the radio. I sent in a little poem, and they sent me back a free box top.

JUDY:

Oh, then I guess it was a very good poem.

PEDRO:

It was, senorita. It went like this: "The Eskimo sleeps on a white bear skin, and sleeps very well I am told. Last night I slept on my bear skin and caught a heck of a cold."

JUDY:

Well, let's go, Pedro. I gotta meet Joe right outside the studio.

ORCH:

TRANSITION

JOE:

Say, Judy, doll, do you know, we got a good chance of winning this quiz.

JUDY:

What makes you so sure, Joe?

JOE:

(POINTED) I got here early and sorta "obtained" a set of the questions and answers. They are all in Group A. Here they are.

JUDY:

Oh, boy! Are those the questions and answers there?

JOE:

Yeah. First question. "Where is Mexico"? - Answer: "South of The Border."

JUDY:

That's easy. "South of the Border." What's the next one?

JOE:

Who were the first humans in the Garden of Eden? Answer: Adam and Eve.

JUDY:

Adam and Eve.

JOE:

Now, who was the father of the famous Canadian quintuplets? Answer: Papa Dionne.

JUDY:

Papa Dionne. I got it.

JOE:

"What is a sign of an early winter in the woodlands"? Answer: "Squirrels hiding nuts"..Now let's memorize all these answers before we go into the studio.

JUDY:

Okay. Number one - South of the Border. Then - Adam and Eve.

JOE:

Then Papa Dionne. And then, Squirrels hiding nuts.

JUDY:

I got it. Come on. Now we can't lose..Oh boy!!

ORCH:

TRANSITION

BLANC:

(QUIZ-MASTER) And now our next contestants for the $25,000. This lovely young couple here.. Miss Judy Canova and Joe Krunchmiller. And don't forget, each question is worth one thousand dollars.

JUDY:

(CONFIDENT) Start firing away any time, Mister. We're ready.

BLANC:

The first question is in Group B.

JOE:

Group B! What happened to group A?

BLANC:

That group seems to be missing. And now your first question. Miss Canova?

JUDY:

Yes, sir.

BLANC:

Where was Julius Ceasar stabbed!

JUDY:

(CONFIDENT) South of the Border.

BLANC:

I'm sorry, but that's wrong. That's $1,000 you didn't win. Now then, your next question. (DELIBERATE) Who invented the loose leaf system!

JUDY:

Adam and Eve.

BLANC:

That will cost you another $1,000. Surely you can get one of these right.

JOE:

(CONFIDENT) Look, buster, just give me that next question.

BLANC:

Okay - you look like you might know about gambling. Here's the question: What comes to mind when you think of a person hitting the jackpot?

JOE:

Papa Dionne....

BLANC:

(MAD) The answer is a slot machine. And now your last question, Miss Canova. If you miss this you get no prize money at all.

JUDY:

Gosh--that'll mean no marriage to Joe.

BLANC:

(MAD) This one you can't possibly miss. It is on physiology. Miss Canova, if you could look inside your head, what would you find.

JUDY:

Squirrels hiding nuts.

BLANC:

Oh ---no---no---no---- (BREAKS DOWN SOBBING)

ORCH:

PLAY OFF

(APPLAUSE)

 

COMMERCIAL

ANNCR:

(IN COLD) Remember, "Soaping" dulls hair...Halo glorifies it! So--

JINGLE:

HALO EVERYBODY HALO
HALO IS THE SHAMPOO THAT GLORIFIES YOUR HAIR
SO HALO EVERYBODY HALO

ANNCR:

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JINGLE:

SO HALO EVERYBODY HALO
HALO SHAMPOO HALO

ANNCR:

Now, back to Judy Canova and the Sportsmen singing one of your favorite ballads, "My Happiness."

MUSIC:

"MY HAPPINESS"

(APPLAUSE)

 

ANNCR:

This is Howard Petrie, reminding you to use Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath, while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay, and be sure to use Halo Shampoo to glorify your hair.

Ladies and gentlemen, did you know that the hotel business - now observing National Hotel Week - is the seventh largest industry in America? What's more, America's fifteen thousand hotels serve over two-hundred and seventy-five million guests a year! They are constantly working to further add to your convenience and comfort...speedier reservations...air conditioned rooms...more adequate and convenient garage accommodations...in short, complete modernization of your "home away from home". Remember, the hotels are America's hospitality industry! Now, here's Judy.

MUSIC:

SLEEPY BABY (SNEAK)

JUDY:

Thank you, Howard. Folks, it was awfully nice being with you tonight, and I hope we'll all be together again next Saturday night. In the meantime, please don't forget the two products that bring us together each week Halo Shampoo....and Colgate Dental Cream......the bestest in the world.

This is Judy Canova from Hollywood singing..........

MUSIC:

"GO TO SLEEPY LITTLE BABY"

(APPLAUSE)

 

ANNCR:

Ladies and gentlemen...this coming Thursday November 17th, Judy Canova will appear in person, in Battle Creek Michigan...on Friday the 18th in Peoria Illinois, and on Saturday the 19th, in Flint Michigan. The Judy Canova show is written by Fred Fox, Henry Hoople and Arthur Phillips, and is produced and directed by Joe Rines.

The part of Pedro was played by Mel Blanc.

MUSIC:

SLEEPY BABY...UP AND FADE OUT.

COMMERCIAL

ANNCR:

Here's good shaving news.....Three men out of every four can GET MORE COMFORTABLE....ACTUALLY SMOOTHER SHAVES with Palmolive Brushless Shaving Cream.

This is not just a claim -- here's the PROOF! Twelve hundred ninety-seven men tried the Palmolive Brushless Way to Shave described on the tube. And no matter how they shaved before -- three men out of every four got MORE COMFORTABLE....ACTUALLY SMOOTHER SHAVES!

Try Palmolive Brushless yourself. See if you don't get MORE COMFORTABLE -- ACTUALLY SMOOTHER SHAVES the proved Palmolive Brushless Way!

MUSIC:

SLEEPY BABY (ORCH. ONLY)

SMITH:

This is Verne Smith reminding you to listen again next week for Colgate's Hour of Fun -- Dennis Day followed by Judy Canova. Also listen to the most thrilling sport stories of all time - dramatically told by BILL STERN radio's number one sports reporter - on the Colgate Shave Cream Sports Newsreel. Friday nights, 10:30 Eastern Time, NBC Network.

ANNCR:

YOU'RE TUNED FOR THE STARS (2 BEAT PAUSE) ON NBC.