Music:

Bassoon up and under

Announcer:

The Fabulous Dr. Tweedy, written by Robert Riley Crutcher, with Harry Von Zelle, and starring Frank Morgan.

SFX:

applause

Music:

Bassoon

Announcer:

Thaddeus Q. Tweedy, Doctor of Philosophy and Dean of Men at Potts College is a devote of the bassoon. It is a musical instrument which is extremely difficult to play. Dr. Tweedy’s old English sheepdog, Baldy, wishes it were impossible.

Music:

Bassoon

Dog:

Barking/Howling

SFX:

thumping

Tweedy:

Baldy! Stop beating your head against the wall. My bassoon playing isn’t that bad.

Dog:

Howls louder.

Tweedy:

And stop sneering. You look almost human. Now you sit here beside my chair, and I’ll play you some beautiful music.

Dog:

Ruh-roh.

Tweedy:

Now listen.

SFX:

Bassoon note

Dog:

Howls imitate bassoon

Tweedy:

Baldy!

SFX:

Bassoon note.

Dog:

Howls imitate bassoon

SFX:

Two bassoon notes

Dog:

Howls imitate bassoon

Tweedy:

Baldy! You’re singing!

SFX:

5 bassoon notes

Dog:

Dog voice “sings” the same notes

Tweedy:

Well Baldy, you can sing! You’re a singing dog! Let’s try Shortnin’ Bread. Who’s Nelson Eddy? I can see it now…The Metropolitan Opera Company presents Caruso Baldy. With all that hair you’ll be perfect for The Barber of Seville.

SFX:

Doorbell rings. Footsteps to door. Door opens.

Tweedy:

Why, Miss Kitty Belle and Colonel Jackson. Won’t you come in?

Kitty Belle:

Thank you, Dr. Tweedy. My brother Beauregard and I are so excited about your marvelous idea of performing a little ole’ musical group. Well, we were talking about it while Beauregard was having his mint julep. He’s had only one. He’s turned over a new leaf.

Tweedy:

(chuckles) Yeah, I know. A mint leaf.

Beauregard:

Dr. Tweedy, sir, I purchased a new set of mint julep glasses.

Tweedy:

Yes?

Beauregard:

They’re two feet tall.

Tweedy:

My, my. One of those and you don’t have to look for a lamp post. You just lean against the glass.

Beauregard:

A de-lightful drink, sir. While making it you drop in a mint leaf every six inches.

Tweedy:

Oh.

Beauregard:

And when the two-foot glass is full of that delectable fluid you dust just a suggestion of powdered sugar over the top.

Tweedy:

Oh dear.

Beauregard:

And when you drink it down you know you’re really living.

Tweedy:

(chuckles). Yeah, and everyone else thinks you’re dead.

Beauregard:

Well, that’s the nicest way I can think of to go. And if I go, I can take it with me.

Kitty Belle:

Dr. Tweedy, it’s going to be so much fun having these little musical evenings. I just love classical music. My favorite composers are Rachmaninoff, Prokofiev, Tchaikovsky, Rimsky-Korsakov, Shostakovich, Stravinsky, Mussorgsky, and Hoagy Carmichael. Uh, what are you going to call your little old musical group?

Tweedy:

Eh, The Tweedy Chamber Music Society. Ah, let’s bring in Miss Kitty Belle’s harp from the porch. Miss Apopolis will be here any minute with her flute.

SFX:

Door opening. Footsteps.

Tweedy:

My.

Beauregard:

My. It’s dark out here.

Tweedy:

My porch light is burnt out. Yes. Look out, Colonel. The harp! Your nose!

SFX:

Harp strings. 1 string plucked “Boing”

Beauregard:

Well, the harp’s out of tune but my nose is a perfect C sharp.

SFX:

footsteps, door closes, harp sound

Kitty Belle:

Now, Dr. Tweedy, if you’ll sound your A, Beauregard will tune up his silver cornet.

SFX:

Cornet plays a scale badly.

Beauregard:

Great Scott. That mint julep. I shouldn’t have drunk the last four inches.

Tweedy:

Yes, well, Colonel the wind from your cornet is tarnishing my bassoon. Would you mind blowing the other way? Now let’s tune up. One, two, three…

SFX:

Off-key instruments tuning up

SFX:

Door opens and closes

Miss Apopolis:

Hold everything, kiddos. Here’s Gisele Apopolis with her hot flute. Let’s jam up the joint!

Tweedy:

Jam the joint? Hehe.

Miss Apopolis:

Well, certainly Tweedle my sweedle, I love to tootle my flutle.

Tweedy:

Yes, well notice how much my bassoon playing has improved in the last few weeks.

SFX:

bassoon plays

Miss Apopolis:

Tweedle, Sugar Dumpling! What a sweet bassoon you’ve got!

Tweedy:

Yes!

Miss Apopolis:

That’s gorgeous!

Tweedy:

Well, I haven’t started playing yet. My finger got caught in the valve.

Miss Apopolis:

(laughs)

Tweedy:

(laughs) Now, Miss Apopolis, sound your A.

Miss Apopolis:

I’m all puckered up and ready to let fly. Stand back, Tweedle, or you’ll get a shower bath.

SFX:

tweet of flute

Tweedy:

Oh, dear, Miss Apopolis. I’m afraid you’re flat.

Miss Apopolis:

Now wait a minute, not so fast. Apopolis has got perfect pitch.

Tweedy:

Yes. Hehe. Of course, you have. And you have a delightful tremolo.

Miss Apopolis:

Well, Tweedle-eedle. Keep talking. I love it!

Tweedy:

Miss Apopolis, did you notice that you have several full notes here?

Miss Apopolis:

Notes for you, too. Let’s play.

SFX:

group begins to play a song

Dog:

Begins howling

Music

All musicians:

Goodnight, goodnight, Dr. Tweedy, goodnight, everybody, a most enjoyable practice.

SFX:

door closes

Tweedy:

Well, the first rehearsal of the Tweedy Chamber Music Society has come to an end.

Welby:

Thank heavens!

Tweedy:

Oh, Welby. I didn’t see you standing there. Where’s Baldy?

Welby:

Out in the backyard. He dug a hole and buried his head in it.

Tweedy:

How is he breathing?!

Welby:

Doc, if I’d known that I would have buried my head, too.

Tweedy:

Oh, dear. Poor Baldy. I’ll have to get him some earmuffs like you’re wearing.

Welby:

Oh, Doc. I come in to tell you that Mr. Potts is at the back door.

Tweedy:

Oh, thank you, Welby. I’ll go see what he wants.

SFX:

footsteps, door opens

Tweedy:

Good evening, Mr. Potts.

Potts:

Tweedy, I came to see you because I have a big problem on my hands.

Tweedy:

How is Mrs. Potts?

Potts:

Who cares?

Tweedy:

Oh, I don’t know, I—

Potts:

This is a new problem.

Tweedy:

Yes.

Potts:

Tweedy, it’s my duty as the chairman of the board of trustees to see to it that we have a good basketball team. Three weeks ago, we suffered a very humiliating defeat at the hands of Bullfinch.

Tweedy:

Oh, but our boys put up a great fight. Once they even got the ball! I thought it was a moral victory. We held them down to 85 points. To our…nothing.

Potts:

This morning the army discharged on of the finest basketball players in the country. This afternoon, he enrolled here. Tomorrow night Bullfinch will get a big surprise.

Tweedy:

They will?

Potts:

Yeah. Dribble? Oh, Dribble, come over here.

SFX:

plodding heavy footsteps approach

Tweedy:

Oh, no! That’s the biggest surprise I’ve ever seen! What is a…I mean who is it?

Potts:

Tweedy, this is Dribble Jones. He stands seven feet two inches in his stocking feet. And when he plays, he wears built up tennis shoes. Dribble, this is Dr. Tweedy.

Dribble:

Where?

Tweedy:

Here I am. Down here.

Dribble:

Oh! Down there. Hi, Dr. Seedy.

Tweedy:

I, it’s Tweedy. Thaddeus Q. PhD, Dean of Men.

Potts:

Tweedy, I want Dribble to stay here with you until the game tomorrow night.

Tweedy:

Yes.

Potts:

Take good care of him and see to it that nothing happens to Dribble.

Tweedy:

No.

Potts:

We can’t win without him.

Tweedy:

Don’t you worry Mr. Potts; I’ll take care of everything. He can double up with Sidney in his room. Oh, you’ll have to double up! Nothing is going to happen to Dribble.

Potts:

If anything does happen to him, you’ll have me to face.

Tweedy:

Oh. What a horrible thought.

Potts:

Yes, well, keep it in mind, Tweedy.

Tweedy:

Yes.

Potts:

Goodnight.

SFX:

footsteps walking away

Potts:

Goodnight, Dribble.

Dribble:

Goodnight. Don’t worry about the game, Mr. Potts, it’s in the bag.

Potts:

There’ll be good news tomorrow night.

SFX:

car door closes, car starts, drives off

Tweedy:

Goodnight. Where’s your luggage, Dribble?

Dribble:

All I’ve got’s this basketball. I’m a dribbling fool.

SFX:

basketball bouncing

Tweedy:

Say, that looks like fun. Let me try bouncing it.

Dribble:

Sure. Here’s the ball, Dr. Petie.

Tweedy:

The name is Tweedy. Is this the way you do it?

SFX:

ball bouncing, thump

Tweedy:

Ow!

Dribble:

Hey, that’s pretty tricky dribbling. I never saw anybody bounce it with his face before.

Tweedy:

Well, I didn’t mean to! Now we’ll pretend the front of the garage there is the basket. Now just watch me sink this shot, Dribble.

SFX:

basketball bounces, slide whistle (low to high)

Tweedy:

The garage moved! Where’d the ball go?

Dribble:

It’s over there. In the second story window box. Next door.

Tweedy:

Oh. I could ring the doorbell and tell Mrs. Apopolis there’s a basketball in her flowerbox. Oh, no. I guess it’s late. Uh, boost me up, Dribble.

Dribble:

(straining) Ouch, Dr. Deedy, you’re standing on my ears.

Tweedy:

Oh. I’m sorry. I’ll step down to your shoulders. Eh, here’s the basketball. Nestled in the dead petunias.

SFX:

window opens

Miss Apopolis:

Weedle, my Tweedle, second story man!

Tweedy:

No, I don’t…uh, we’ve…good evening, Mrs. Apopolis. Hehe. I thought you were in bed.

Miss Apopolis:

How romantic. Gazing at each other through the dead petunias.

Tweedy:

Well, uh, it’s a bit embarrassing. You see, I was looking for a basketball. Believe it or not.

Mrs. Apopolis:

Oh, don’t make excuses, Tweedle dipsy wispy. I love it. Just like Romeo and Juliet. You’re chinning yourself on my balcony. What are you standing on?

Tweedy:

A tall friend of short acquaintance.

Beauregard:

I’m coming, Mrs. Apopolis!

SFX:

2 loud gunshots

Mrs. Apopolis:

Oh, Tweedle, I hope some ____didn’t call Colonel Jackson. I didn’t know it was you out there. Oh, how sad! You are looking at an unhappy Greek.

SFX:

2 more gunshots

Mrs. Apopolis:

Oh, he’s coming with dueling pistols to save me!

SFX:

2 more gunshots

Dribble:

Hold on, Dr. Weedy.

Tweedy:

No, Dribble! Don’t run away. Don’t leave me hanging here! Oh! I’m hanging here.

Beauregard:

Don’t worry, Mrs. Apopolis! I’ll kill all four of those men hanging from the window box.

Tweedy:

Four men? Oh no! He’s had another two-foot mint julep! Hold your fire!

Music

Announcer:

And before Frank Morgan continues, here’s this.

Music

Announcer:

And now back to Frank Morgan as the Fabulous Dr. Tweedy.

Music

Announcer:

Last night things were pretty much up in the air, including Dr. Tweedy. Today Dr. Tweedy’s manservant, Welby Skinkle, is telling his very dear friend the houseboy at the Phi Beta Quota fraternity house all about it.

Welby:

Boy, Timothy, I want to tell you about last night. As soon as I finished the ironing I rushed right over here to the maternity house.

Timothy:

Sit down, Welby, and tell me all the juicy details.

Welby:

Well, okay. But I can only stay a minute. There was one—hey, what are you doing with them long needles?

Timothy:

Oh, I’m knitting myself a sweater. So, I’ll be warm and cozy when we go out to play in the snow.

Welby:

Yeah, well you got the perfect shape for a sweater. Well, let me tell you about last night. I hear someone yelling and I rushes out and there was the doc hanging from Mrs. Apopolis’ window box on the second floor.

Timothy:

Oh, heavens to Betsy. Go on!

Welby:

Colonel Jackson is shooting off his dueling pistols and the doc was scared stiff.

Timothy:

Oh, mercy! I’d be scared, too.

Welby:

Well, he wasn’t scared of the Colonel. That Mrs. Apopolis was trying to drag him in the window!

Timothy:

(laughing) Oh nuts! I got so excited I dropped a stitch.

Welby:

I didn’t hear nuttin’.

Timothy:

Well, I dropped it. But that’s enough of this gossip. We’ve got work to do.

Welby:

Work to do?

Timothy:

Mr. Potts wants you and me to guard the athletic trophies in the administration building. He’s afraid the Bullfinches will swipe them before the big game tonight.

Welby:

Oh, yeah. I remember. Like they done three weeks ago. Well, let’s get going. I got my wheelbarrow parked in front of a fire plug. I don’t want to get no ticket.

Timothy:

Welby? We can stop for some refreshments on the way!

Welby:

Yeah! (chuckles) It’s cold out. I could use a slug of antifreeze.

Timothy:

You know something?

Welby:

What?

Timothy:

I found an old Pierce Arrow.

Welby:

No!

Timothy:

Yeah! Nobody has drained the antifreeze out of that radiator since 1926.

Welby:

Oh, boy! Vintage stuff.

Timothy:

Yeah.

Welby:

Say, where’s the pliers and Dixie cups?

Timothy:

Here you are Welby. Hey, hey. Just in case those Bullfinches try to steal any trophies tonight, here’s our baseball bats.

Welby:

Oh, boy. Gimme that bat. Let me show you what I do to one of them guys. Here, turn your head a little bit.

Timothy:

Hm?

Welby:

Don’t move. That’s right. That’s it.

SFX:

slide whistle, bat striking hollow ball

Timothy:

Well, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and hit me on the head.

Welby:

I just—eh—oh, nuts! Timothy, I just bopped you.

Timothy:

(laughs) Oh, now it’s my turn to pretend I’m defending the trophies. And the first one that yells, “Out,” is a sissy. Stick out your head.

SFX:

slide whistle, bat striking hollow ball

Welby:

Ooh. Hehehehe. Well look at me bounce. It must be them rubber heels I’m wearing. Now it’s my turn, Timothy. Hold your head still.

SFX:

slide whistle, bat striking hollow ball, birds chirping

Timothy:

Do you hear that little bird singing, Welby? I’m a nature lover. I’m crazy about birds.

Welby:

Birds? I’m getting a little headache. Must’ve been something I et. But I don’t hear no birds.

Timothy:

Turn your head a little bit more and you will.

SFX:

slide whistle, bat striking hollow ball, birds chirping

Welby:

Oh, Timothy. Now that’s beautiful!

Timothy:

Can you see the birds?

Welby:

No, I see nothing but stars.

Timothy:

Let’s practice defending the trophy some more.

Welby:

Yeah, okay. I love them birds.

SFX:

slide whistle, bat striking hollow ball, birds chirping

slide whistle, bat striking hollow ball, birds chirping

Welby:

Doh.

SFX:

birds chirping

Music

SFX:

footsteps, door opening, footsteps

Dog:

Barking

Tweedy:

Ah, good old Baldy. Always sitting at the front door waiting for me to come home. What have you been doing?

Dog:

Barking

Tweedy:

Oh, yes. Well, it’s late and Sidney isn’t home yet. I’d better turn on the lights in the living room.

SFX:

light switch

Mary and Sidney:

Dr. Tweedy!

Dr. Tweedy:

Many and Sidney! I’m sorry. Hehe. Sidney, your nose is bleeding. Oh, no, it’s lipstick. Eh, what are you two doing, sitting in the dark?

Mary:

Oh, well you see, Dr. Tweedy, I got this wristwatch for Christmas.

Dr. Tweedy:

Yes.

Mary:

And it has a radium dial you can see in the dark, and well, Sidney and I wanted to see what time it was.

Dr. Tweedy:

Oh. Well, what time is it?

Sidney:

Gee, whiz, Dr. Tweedy.

Mary:

We were talking.

Dr. Tweedy:

I didn’t hear anything. I must’ve come in during a lull in the conversation.

Mary:

What we were talking about was, a couple of weeks ago the kids from Bullfinch U. stole our athletic trophies and we’re afraid they’ll try it again tonight.

Dr. Tweedy:

I remember how mad that made Mr. Potts the last time. Why don’t you two go get them and bring them here for safe keeping?

Sidney:

Gee, Dr. Tweedy, aren’t Mary’s lips beautiful?

Dr. Tweedy:

Uh…yeah.

Sidney:

Would you mind turning off the lights on your way out, Dr. Tweedy?

Mary:

Oh, yes. Would you mind turning off the lights on your way out, Dr. Tweedy. We only have an hour before the basketball game starts.

Dr. Tweedy:

Yes. I understand. You have so much to talk over. I’ll get Dribble to bring the trophies over here.

SFX:

footsteps (continuing)

Dr. Tweedy:

Dribble? Is that you out there in the garage?

Dribble:

Yes, Dr. Petie.

Dr. Tweedy:

Mm. Well, what do—

Dribble:

I’m playing with the little gopher. You know, the school mascot.

Gopher:

Chittering

Dr. Tweedy:

Oh, that’s little Filbert, the gopher. How are you tonight?

Gopher:

Chittering

Dr. Tweedy:

Yeah, you like being out of your cage, don’t you, Filbert?

Gopher:

Chittering

Dr. Tweedy:

Isn’t he a cute little rascal? Come here, Filbert. OW!

Dribble:

He bit you.

Dr. Tweedy:

I know it. He always bites me. Aw, look. Now he’s sorry. He’s licking the wound. OW! He bit me again.

Dribble:

Let me hold him.

Dr. Tweedy:

Here. But keep him away from your basketball he might chew it. He might bite the---

SFX:

basketball pops, air leaking out

Dr. Tweedy:

He bit it. Oh dear. Where’s Filbert?

Gopher:

Chittering

Dr. Tweedy:

Oh, there you are! Blew you right back in your cage. That’ll teach you to keep your big buck teeth out of basketballs.

Gopher:

Chittering

Dr. Tweedy:

So that’s-- the game. Athletic trophies. Dribble I want you to go over to the administration building and get the athletic trophies and bring them here. I want to be sure nobody steals them.

Dribble:

But what if somebody thinks I’m stealing them. I’m new around here.

Dr. Tweedy:

Well, there won’t be anyone guarding those athletic trophies. That’s why I want to lock them up in my garage. Just be very careful and don’t get in any trouble. We need you to win that basketball game.

SFX:

car door shuts, car starts

Dribble:

Those trophies are as good as in that garage right now, Dr. Needy.

Dr. Tweedy:

Good! And I’m not Needy, I’m Seedy…I mean I’m Tweedy.

SFX:

car drives away

Dr. Tweedy:

I’ll meet you at the game.

Music

SFX:

Crowd at game, band playing

Cheerleader:

Alright gang. We’ll show those Bullfinches who’s going to win this basketball game. Let’s start off with a pop skyrocket.

Crowd:

Sssss Boom Bahhhhhh. Pop. Pop. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop

Cheerleader:

He isn’t here yet, but how about a cheer for our new center, Dribble Jones.

Crowd:

Yay! Dribble. Dribble. Dribble, Dribble, Dribble, Dribble, Dribble

SFX:

Band plays, crowd cheers

Sidney:

Hey Mr. Potts?

Potts:

Yes, Sidney?

Sidney:

Take a look at our mascot Filbert the Gopher in his new uniform. Yellow jersey and purple trunks with a hole for the tail. And little, tiny tennis shoes.

Gopher:

Chittering

Potts:

Take him away. Have you seen Dr. Tweedy?

Sidney:

Sure Mr. Potts. There he is, coming in on the other side of the gym.

Crowd:

Dr. Tweedy! Dr. Tweedy! Rah Rah Rah

Tweedy:

Did you hear that Mr. Potts? They cheered me when I came in.

Potts:

Are you sure it wasn’t the Bullfinch cheering section, Tweedy?

Tweedy:

What a thrill Mr. Potts! Tonight we win our first basketball game at last. Potts triumphant!

Potts:

Oh yes. This is a great day for Potts. And a personal triumph for me. I was shrewd enough to enroll Dribble Jones. And tonight, those Bullfinch kids won’t steal our athletic trophies again.

Tweedy:

No, I’ve seen to that.

Potts:

No, I’ve seen to that. I ordered Welby and Timothy to stand guard over them. And you know what they’d do to anyone who tried to take them. Haha. They’ve each got a baseball bat. Hehe.

Tweedy:

They have? Hahaha. They’ve each got a baseball bat and I sent Dribble Jones over there and ---OH NO!

Potts:

Tweedy! You didn’t—

Tweedy:

Yes. You’d be surprised. I did.

Potts:

My brand-new tall center. After they get through with him with those baseball bats, he’ll be a foot shorter.

Sidney:

Excuse me, Dr. Tweedy. Will you hold Filbert. I have to help Mary lead the next cheer.

Gopher:

Chittering

Tweedy:

Oh, dear. What’ll I do with him? Here, here. Filbert. Get into this big wooden box.

Potts:

Tweedy. This is too much. I can’t stand any more.

Tweedy:

Well, sit down, Mr. Potts.

Crowd:

We want Dribble! We want Dribble! We want Dribble! Rah, rah, rah! We want Dribble! We want Dribble! We want Dribble! Rah, rah, rah!

Tweedy:

Here comes Dribble! He’s as tall as he was before.

Dribble:

Hi Dr. Sweety. Those trophies are safe in your garage and I’m sorry I’m a little late because I stopped to watch a couple of guys standing beside the trophies beating each other over the head with baseball bats and talking about birds.

Tweedy:

Oh, dear. Welby and Timothy play so rough.

Dribble:

They didn’t even see me taking the trophies.

Potts:

Never mind, Tweedy. Give Dribble a ball and let’s start the game.

Tweedy:

Certainly, Mr. Potts. Nothing can happen now to stop this game. Where are the basketballs?

Potts:

They’re all in that box, right there.

Tweedy:

In there, in that box? Well, we’ll take one out—in that big wooden box?

Potts:

Yes.

Tweedy:

But I put Filbert the gopher in there! He bites basketballs!

SFX:

Basketball pops (popping continues under)

Tweedy:

Oh, no! Oh, no! I’ve done it again!

Mrs. Apopolis:

Hey Tweedle tootsie wootsie!

Tweedy:

Mrs. Apopolis! You brought it.

Mrs. Apopolis:

Yes, your basketball. You left it in my flower box last night.

Tweedy:

Oh, Mrs. Apopolis, I could kiss you!

Mrs. Apopolis:

Well, let’s have it tweedle-pie Tweedle, pucker up! (kissing sound)

Tweedy:

Oh, no!

Music

Announcer:

Frank Morgan will be back in just a minute, but first here is:

Music

Announcer:

Frank Morgan appears by arrangement with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, producers of the Technicolor musical Till the Clouds Roll By. Here again is Frank Morgan with his thought for the week.

Tweedy:

My topic for today is horses…fast horses that is. But no horse can go as fast as the money you bet on them. Which brings me to my thought for the week. Bulls and bears aren’t responsible for nearly as many stock losses as bum steers. Oh dear! Good night.

Music

Announcer:

The Frank Morgan Show came to you from Hollywood. This is the United States Armed Forces Radio Service, the voice of information and education.

Music