ANNCR:

For the safety of your smile, use Pepsodent twice a day--see your dentist twice a year.

MUSIC:

FEW BARS OF MIRIUM

ANNCR:

Lever Brothers Company presents the Pepsodent show, "My Friend Irma," created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma, with Joan Banks as Jane.

QUARTETTE:

"Friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships have been forgot,
Theirs will still be hot.
........My Friend Irma.........!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

JANE THEME ("STREET SCENE" BY ALFRED NEWMAN) ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) I live in a brownstone house on West Seventy-third street in New York City. From my window I can look out on Central Park and right now it's covered with snow. I can see the squirrels scampering up and down the trees, looking for nuts. Now, if I, Jane Stacy, were a squirrel, I wouldn't have to scamper up and down trees searching for nuts. Why? Because I live with Irma Peterson, a hundred and fifteen pounds of squirrel food. ... Now don't get me wrong, I love her. It's just that - that the things she does are-- Well, they're just not average. For instance, the other morning she left for work with a pillow under her arm. (TO IRMA) Irma?

IRMA:

YES, JANE?

JANE:

What's the idea?

IRMA:

WELL, MR. CLYDE SAYS THAT EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN WORKING FOR HIM HE'S BEEN HITTING HIS HEAD AGAINST A STONE WALL AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO HURT HIMSELF. ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) And that's the way it goes with Irma -- day in, day out -- and lately it's getting even worse. You see, she's walked out on her old boy friend and her new one seems to have walked out on her. So, right now, she is positively manless. This morning I happened to glance through her diary and it's really a saga of despair. For instance, her entry for January 8th reads--

IRMA:

(FILTER, SADLY) HAVE NOT SEEN AL FOR THREE DAYS. HE DIDN'T CALL ME TODAY AT ELEVEN. HE DIDN'T DROP IN AT ONE. WAITED, BUT HE DIDN'T PHONE ME AT FOUR. AND HE DIDN'T COME AROUND FOR DINNER. BUT I WASN'T DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE I DIDN'T GIVE HIM A THOUGHT ALL DAY. ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) January 9th, 10th, and 11th all had the same notation--

IRMA:

(FILTER) STILL NO MEN IN MY LIFE.

JANE:

(NARRATES) And on January 12th--

IRMA:

(FILTER) NO MEN YET. AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. I KEEP LOOKING UNDER MY SHOES BECAUSE MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID THAT WHEN I GREW UP I'D HAVE MEN UNDER MY FEET! ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) January 13th--

IRMA:

(FILTER, SAD) GOSH!

JANE:

(NARRATES) January 14th--

IRMA:

(FILTER, SADDER) OH, DEAR.

JANE:

(NARRATES) January 15th--

IRMA:

(FILTER) TODAY I THOUGHT MY LUCK HAD CHANGED. I TOOK A RIDE IN THE COUNTRY AND A MAN WAVED AT ME, SO I WAVED BACK. THEN WE GOT TO TALKING, BUT IN FIFTEEN MINUTES I FOUND OUT HE WAS A SCARECROW, SO I DROPPED THE CONVERSATION. ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) January 16th--

IRMA:

(FILTER) THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY, DEAR DIARY. AND JANE, DON'T GET DISGUSTED. THERE'LL BE MORE NEWS TOMORROW. ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) With that, I quickly closed the diary. But I can't help being a little apprehensive about the effect all this will have on her work at the office.

MUSIC:

VERY BRIEF BRIDGE

CLYDE:

(DICTATING) To Judge Warren B. Falsey, appellate court, Kings County, New York. Got that?

IRMA:

YES, MR CLYDE.

CLYDE:

Then where is your notebook?

IRMA:

(EXHALES SHARPLY) I'M SORRY. OH, HERE IT IS. I'M READY NOW.

CLYDE:

Good. (BEAT, DICTATES) To Judge Warren B. Falsey, appellate court, Kings County, New York. In the matter of the judgement rendered by you in the Harrison case-- (BEAT, GENTLY) Miss Peterson?

IRMA:

HUH? ...

CLYDE:

Where's your pencil?

IRMA:

OH-- OH-OH, GOSH, I FORGOT IT. ...

CLYDE:

Here, take mine. Now let's get this letter out. (DICTATES) To Judge Warren B. Falsey, if he isn't retired by this time-- ... --appellate court, Kings County, New York---

IRMA:

WHERE DID YOU GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?

CLYDE:

Kings County, New Honeymoon--- ... Honeymoon?! Miss Peterson, what is this? What are you trying to do to me? I've got to get this letter out.

IRMA:

WELL, I'M SORRY, MR. CLYDE. I WAS JUST WONDERING. YOU CAN GO AHEAD.

CLYDE:

Well, thank you. ... To Judge Warren B. Falsey, appellate court, Kings County, New York. In the matter of--

IRMA:

HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?

CLYDE:

In the matter of-- Children?! (UPSET) Miss Peterson, I have two children and they both hate me. Do you know why? I'll tell you why. Because when I get through talking with you and go home, I'm a madman, that's why! ...

IRMA:

WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?

CLYDE:

Look, Miss Peterson, I can take your inefficiency, but I'm not going to sit here and give dictation to a lovesick moonstruck stenographer! Now please go home and - don't come back until you recover your senses!

IRMA:

(PLEASED, MOVING OFF) ALL RIGHT!

CLYDE:

No! No! Don't you dare stay away that long! Come back tomorrow! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

STREET NOISES, CITY TRAFFIC ... IRMA'S FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT UNTIL--

IRMA:

OH--LOOK AT THAT CROWD. OH, MISTER?

DRIVER:

Yeah?

IRMA:

WHAT'S THIS BIG CROWD DOING IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH?

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN ... ORGAN PLAYS WEDDING MARCH, IN BG, BRIEFLY--

DRIVER:

It's a wedding.

IRMA:

OHHHH, SO IT IS. WHO'S GETTING MARRIED?

DRIVER:

I don't know. Some man and woman I suppose. ...

IRMA:

I'M GLAD. THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. ... GEE, I - I WONDER WHERE THEY'RE GOING ON THEIR HONEYMOON.

DRIVER:

I don't know, I'm just drivin' 'em to Grand Central Station.

IRMA:

THAT'S A FUNNY PLACE TO SPEND A HONEYMOON. OH, WELL, WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE I GUESS ONE PLACE IS AS GOOD AS ANOTHER.

DRIVER:

Yeah.

IRMA:

GOSH, LOOK AT ALL THOSE CANS TIED ON THE BACK OF THE CAR. DOESN'T THE HORN WORK? ...

DRIVER:

(CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY) Sorry, lady. Here they come.

SOUND:

MURMURING VOICES IN BACKGROUND

IRMA:

GEE, EVERYBODY'S THROWING RICE AND SHOES. (YELLS) HAVE A NICE TIME! HAPPY MARRIED LIFE AND MANY MORE OF THEM! ...

SOUND:

VOICES FADE AS WE FOLLOW IRMA'S FOOTSTEPS DOWN SIDEWALK ... CITY TRAFFIC IN BG

IRMA:

(TO HERSELF, SADLY) GEE, EVERYONE IS IN LOVE AND GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING CHILDREN, AND ME, I HAVE NO ONE. GEE, IF I DIDN'T HAVE THAT APPOINTMENT AT THE BEAUTY PARLOR TOMORROW, I'D KILL MYSELF. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR OPENS ... IRMA'S STEPS IN

IRMA:

HELLO, JANE.

JANE:

Oh, hi, Sweetie. (SURPRISED) Irma?

IRMA:

WHAT'S WRONG?

JANE:

Your foot; it's all wet. And where's your shoe?

IRMA:

AW, I COULDN'T HELP IT, JANE. I SAW A WEDDING. EVERYBODY WAS THROWING RICE AND SHOES, SO I THREW MINE. ... IT WAS SO ROMANTIC!

JANE:

Well, look, honey, you'd better change your wet stockings before you catch pneumonia.

IRMA:

ALL RIGHT, JANE. GEE, THAT WEDDING WAS SO PRETTY. THE BRIDE AND GROOM CAME DOWN THE STEPS FOLLOWED BY THEIR FOUR CHILDREN. ...

JANE:

Honey, those were flower girls.

IRMA:

WELL, TWO OF THE GIRLS WERE BOYS. ... THEY MUST HAVE BELONGED TO THE HUSBAND. ...

JANE:

Swell. Irma, when are you going to snap out of this romantic tar pit you've sunken into?

IRMA:

I DON'T KNOW, JANE. HERE I AM, TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD, HEALTHY, AND FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE, AND NO ONE WANTS ME. LIKE MY BOSS ALWAYS SAYS, IT'S A SHAME I WAS BORN. ...

JANE:

Aw, Sweetie, it's not that bad.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

KROP:

It's only me, Professor Kropotkin. ... Hello, Janie and Irma, my two little buzzing bees -- one sweet like honey; from the other you get stung. ...

IRMA:

(AMUSED) Why, Professor--!

KROP:

Oh, excuse me, Irma. A little joke I picked up from a man with the hives. ...

JANE:

Come on in, Professor.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

JANE:

Oh, you look so cold.

KROP:

Oh, I am. It's freezing in my room.

JANE:

But, Professor, you have the same type radiator in your room as we have in ours.

KROP:

That's right. I also have the same kind of windows, but in yours there's glass. ... By the way, Irma, have you seen Al lately?

IRMA:

AL? PLEASE DON'T MENTION HIS NAME AROUND ME. TO ME THERE IS NOTHING AS UGLY AS OLD LOVE.

KROP:

That's right. And speaking of something old and ugly--have you seen Mrs. O'Reilly? ... I want to give her a piece of my mind.

JANE:

Why?

KROP:

I told her there's a hole in my wall and the cold air was coming in. So she sends me up a picture of herself to cover the hole. ...

JANE:

Well, that's very nice of her.

KROP:

Yeah, but I can't see any difference. They both give me the shivers. ...

IRMA:

(MOANS SADLY)

KROP:

Irma, I know it's a sad story, but you don't have to cry.

IRMA:

OH, I'M NOT CRYING FOR YOU. IT'S JUST THAT-- OH, JANE, I'M SO MISERABLE.

JANE:

Aw, honey, I know how you feel. (WITH ENTHUSIASM) And I also know the cure! There's nothing better for bolstering a woman's morale than having something new to wear. So why don't you run out and buy yourself a cute new hat?

IRMA:

YOU THINK THAT'D HELP?

JANE:

Why, of course.

IRMA:

ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET A BLACK ONE, BECAUSE IN MY MIND MY LOVE FOR AL IS DEAD AND I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW I'M IN MOURNING. ... GOODBYE.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS IRMA EXITS

JANE:

Aw, isn't it a shame, Professor? Of all the men in the world she had to fall in love with a specialist -- a man who has mastered the science of total un-employment. ...

KROP:

Yes, he's getting to be known as Uncle Sam's number one dependent. ... But, he's never done me any harm, so I gave him a very good reference.

JANE:

Reference?

KROP:

Yes, in the mail the other day I received a form. I don't know what it was for, but I recommended him. Who knows, maybe he's put in an application for a retirement pension. ...

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MRS. O:

Hello, Janie.

JANE:

Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly.

MRS. O:

Oh, there you are, Professor. Did you receive me picture?

KROP:

Yes, thank you. I hung it over the hole in my wall.

MRS. O:

Oh. So it kept out the draft?

KROP:

Oh, yes. And that puss of yours frightened away the mice! ...

MRS. O:

Why, you old mongrel, you--!

KROP:

Take it easy, Mrs. O'Reilly. Janie, Mrs. O'Reilly also got a form to fill out about Al. Tell me, Mrs. O'Reilly, did you say something nice?

MRS. O:

Why, of course I did. (GIGGLES) I always say nice things about men. (GIGGLES) ...

KROP:

Well, that's because of your warm nature.

MRS. O:

Thank you, Professor. And don't forget, I have a warm heart.

KROP:

Yes, and with all that heat, it's too bad it had to melt your face out of shape. ...

MRS. O:

Why, you--! You moth-eaten old Mischa Elman, you!

KROP:

Now let me tell you, Mrs. O'Reilly--!

JANE:

Stop it! Stop it, please, the two of you. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm having enough trouble trying to cheer Irma up, without going through this sort of thing.

MRS. O:

Oh, I'm sorry, Janie.

KROP:

You're right. Poor Irma. And Janie, if there's anything we can do, just let me know. I would do anything in my power to mend her broken heart. Come on, Mrs. O'Reilly, maybe you'll slip down the stairs and I can mend yours at the same time. ...

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

JANE:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Oh, yes, Richard! How nice of you to call! -- What? -- What is Al up to? Well, I don't know. Why do you ask? ---- Oh, someone wrote you for references, too, and you gave him a good recommendation? -- You put down that he's a sure winner?! Richard, how could you say that about Al? ---- Oh, as long as he never loses that coin with the two heads, he'll always be a sure winner. ... (AMUSED) Yes, I see what you mean. -- Yes, dear. I'll see you tonight. Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

AL:

(MUTED, CONTRITE) Hello, Jane. Know I ain't expected, but would like to have a few words with you.

JANE:

(SKEPTICAL) Well-- All right, Al, what's on your mind?

AL:

Well, it's about me and Chicken. I've tried to forget her, but it's no use. The other day I was in a Turkish bath and I saw her face in the steam room. ... It's gotta stop. She don't belong in places like that! ...

JANE:

Well, you have my sympathy, Al, but you brought it on yourself. There's nothing I can do about it.

AL:

Well, I know, and that's why I have taken such drastic steps.

JANE:

What do you mean?

AL:

Jane, you'll probably think I've gone berserk, but-- Felt I had to do something spectacular, so I did a crazy thing.

JANE:

What?

AL:

Jane-- Went out and got myself a job! ...

JANE:

(UNIMPRESSED) Oh, Al, you've said that many times.

AL:

Yea, Jane, but this is on the level. I'm workin' from nine to six, takin' fifteen minutes for lunch, and puttin' every cent in the bank.

JANE:

When did you start on the job?

AL:

Tomorrow. ... I mean, that's what I'm gonna do. Now if chicken will only take me back.

JANE:

Well, Al, I don't know what to say.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... IRMA'S STEPS IN

IRMA:

(UPSET) AL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU--!

AL:

(DESPERATE) Now hold it, chicken!

JANE:

Look, the two of you! I had fireworks last fourth of July and I can wait until the next one. So you two have the ring to yourselves. (MOVING OFF) Au revoir.

SOUND:

JANE'S STEPS AWAY ... DOOR CLOSES

IRMA:

(FIRMLY) NOW, AL, I WANT YOU TO GO.

AL:

Chicken, will you at least give me the courtesy of talkin' this over like - like two businessmen?

IRMA:

ALL RIGHT, TWO BUSINESSMEN.

AL:

Good. Come sit on the sofa with me. ...

IRMA:

NOTHING DOING, AL, WE'RE OUT OF THAT BUSINESS. ...

AL:

Please, chicken, you've got to listen to me. Ever since we've been separated my life has-- Well, as you might say, "My life is an empty shell-- (LONG PAUSE) --without a nut!" ... Won't you please come back?

IRMA:

NO, AL, PRETTY SPEECHES WILL GET YOU NOWHERE. YOU PROMISED WE'D BE MARRIED IN 1948 AND I SPENT THE WHOLE YEAR KNITTING A SWEATER FOR OUR FIRST BABY.

AL:

I'm sorry, chicken.

IRMA:

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. IT WOULDN'T HAVE FIT HIM ANYWAYS. UNLESS HE HAD THREE ARMS OR A LONG NECK. ...

AL:

But chicken, you ain't heard the good news. I'm startin' a job tomorrow.

IRMA:

I'M SORRY.

AL:

Don't you see, chicken? For you I have committed social suicide! None of my friends will talk to me.

IRMA:

NO, AL, IT'S TOO LATE. YOU ONCE LIT A FLAME IN MY HEART, BUT THAT'S ALL OVER, I'VE GOTTEN RID OF MY HEARTBURN! ... GOODBYE!

MUSIC:

PLAYOFF

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

FEW BARS OF MIRIUM

NILES:

Run the tip of your tongue over your teeth. If you feel a slippery coating, you have film on your teeth. And you need Pepsodent with Irium to remove it. For film is worse than you think.

VOICE:

Film collects stains that make your teeth look dull.

NILES:

Pepsodent Tooth Paste removes film ... makes your teeth look bright.

VOICE:

Film harbors germs that cause unpleasing breath.

NILES:

Pepsodent removes film ... makes your breath fresh and clean.

VOICE:

Film glues acid to your teeth ... the very acid many dentists agree is the cause of tooth decay.

NILES:

Pepsodent Tooth Paste removes film and the acids it contains.

VOICE:

Film never lets up... it forms continually on your teeth.

NILES:

Yes, you have to fight film every day. So brush your teeth twice a day with Pepsodent Tooth Paste. Because no other tooth paste can duplicate Pepsodent's film-removing formula. No other tooth paste contains Irium ... or Pepsodent's gentle polishing agent. So start now to fight film. Brush your teeth twice a day with Pepsodent ... the tooth paste with an exclusive formula for removing film.

MUSIC:

JAUNTY TRANSITION THAT ENDS WITH THE JANE THEME QUOTED

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, I came back from shopping expecting to find Irma and Al contentedly languishing in each other's arms, but instead I found Irma alone [-- deep in one of her emotional charades. I must explain these emotional charades. There are times when Irma refuses to speak and I must guess by her actions exactly how she feels. For instance on one occasion I came home to find Irma lying perfectly still on the floor with the electric fan going full blast and a piggy bank in her hand. This was her way of showing me that she was calm, cool and collected. On another occasion I returned to find her with her head pressed against a bottle of whiskey. This was to show me she had a load on her mind. Right now, she is] in the kitchen opening a can of Strongheart. This can mean only one thing. Her love has gone to the dogs. ... (TO IRMA) Irma?

IRMA:

(SADLY) YES, JANE?

JANE:

Aww, you're crying, sweetie. Where's Al?

IRMA:

I SENT HIM AWAY. I'M THROUGH WITH HIM.

JANE:

But honey, he said he has a job.

IRMA:

OH, HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE ANYTHING AL SAYS? HE ONCE TOLD ME ALL HIS FRIENDS WERE BLUE-BLOODS.

JANE:

Well, you should have known better than that.

IRMA:

OH, THEY WERE BLUE ALL RIGHT. BUT THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE THEY WERE COLD STANDING IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE! ...

JANE:

I know, sweetie, but maybe he's changed. Irma, I don't like to tell you how to live, but since you and Al broke up you've been going around like a lovesick calf and it's beginning to affect me.

IRMA:

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, JANE?

JANE:

Well, like this morning when you had Al on the brain and tried to pour my coffee.

IRMA:

WELL, IT WAS A NATURAL MISTAKE. I JUST FORGOT TO GIVE YOU A CUP FIRST. ...

JANE:

Honey, why kid yourself? You've got it so bad for Al you don't know what you're doing half the time.

IRMA:

THAT'S RIDICULOUS, JANE. HOW CAN YOU SAY A THING LIKE THAT? I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

JANE:

Then for goodness sake's stop trying to put those shoes on.

IRMA:

BUT I CAN'T GO OUT BAREFOOTED.

JANE:

I know, honey, but it's a little difficult to put one pair of shoes on over another pair. ...

IRMA:

OH, DEAR.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

KROP:

Excuse me, girls. It's only us again. Oh, Irma, I've been wanting to speak to you.

MRS. O:

Yes, we've been wondering -- did Al get the job?

IRMA:

YES, BUT IT HASN'T MADE ANY DIFFERENCE TO ME. I THINK SOME PEOPLE CAN'T CHANGE - THEY'RE BEYOND HOPE.

KROP:

That's exactly what the plastic surgeon told Mrs. O'Reilly. ...

MRS. O:

He did not. He just said that if he removed some of me chins it would destroy the balance and me head would keep tiltin' back. ...

KROP:

Good. Then maybe you'd see that hole in my ceiling and fix it. ...

MRS:

O: Now, look, Professor, I don't want to be discussed in public. We came here to find out about Al.

IRMA:

THERE'S NOTHING TO FIND OUT. I'M THROUGH WITH HIM. FROM NOW ON I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY - I'M GOING TO BE GAY. (FEEBLE AND UNCONVINCING) HA HA HA HA HA. ...

JANE:

Well! Get her.

IRMA:

YES, FROM NOW ON MEN ARE JUST PLAY THINGS. GOODBYE.

JANE:

Where are you going?

IRMA:

I'M GOING OUT TO LOOK AT SOME TOYS! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

AL:

But, Mushy, you don't understand. Chicken means everything to me! And without her, there's no point in me takin' the job.

MUSHY:

Gee, Al, I'm your pal, but I don't know what to say. ...

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED BEHIND--

AL:

Well, in a case like this there's only one man to call.

MUSHY:

Who, Al?

AL:

What else but--? (LOW VOICE, INTO PHONE) Hello, Joe? - Al. (SMOOTHLY) Got a problem. Want to get Irma back. Have tried everything. What's my move? -- Try gettin' her sympathy? -- It always works with your wife, huh? How, Joe? ---- You leave just one dollar in your wallet? Well, how does that get her sympathy? ---- Oh, she's sorry there ain't more. ... No, no, Joe. Want something more clever. What can I do? -- Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, ummmmmmhmmmm. Thank you, Joe, and goodbye, noble friend!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

MUSHY:

Any luck, Al?

AL:

Yeah, Joe gave me a natural! I pretend I'm sick. You break the news to Irma. And she's got to come runnin' over. It's what they call the maternal instinct.

MUSHY:

Well, I wouldn't know. I never see my mother much. You see, she went straight! ...

AL:

Well, don't waste any time. Get over and tell Irma I'm sinkin' fast.

MUSHY:

Leave it to me, pal.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MUSHY:

Hello, lady. Are you Chicken Peterson?

JANE:

No, I'm Jane Stacy.

MUSHY:

Good. I'm Mushy.

JANE:

Well, thanks, but I'm not in the mood. ... What do you want?

MUSHY:

Al is sick.

JANE:

Sick? When did this happen?

MUSHY:

Quite sudden. He's in his hotel room layin' on the couch, sick as a dog!

JANE:

Well, is he really helpless?

MUSHY:

Yes, indeed.

JANE:

Well, did you take his pulse?

MUSHY:

(INDIGNANT) Look, Miss, he's my pal, and when a guy is layin' helpless, I ain't gonna swipe nuttin'! ... I tell ya, he needs his chicken.

JANE:

Well, if he's that sick, maybe I better run over.

MUSHY:

No, no, no. He - he don't want you. I mean, er, you're liable to catch it. He wants his chicken.

JANE:

Well, couldn't she catch it?

MUSHY:

(FLUSTERED) Well, er-- It wouldn't show on her. Er-- You see, uh-- Al has chicken pox. ...

JANE:

Who do you think you're kidding? I know what Al is up to.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

RICH:

Hello, Jane. Am I intruding?

JANE:

Oh, not at all, Richard. (TO MUSHY) Mister, er-- Mushy -- would you mind waiting outside a minute?

MUSHY:

Not at all. (TO RICH) Uh, hey, mister? Did you go to Harvard?

RICH:

Yes, I did.

MUSHY:

I thought so. Didn't you study criminology?

RICH:

Why, yes. But I can't seem to place you.

MUSHY:

You can't? I don't understand it. I was Case Number Six-Oh-Four, remember? You and your class visited us! ... (TO JANE) I'll be waitin', lady.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

JANE:

Richard, don't look so startled. Al is up to one of his tricks. He's pretending he's sick so Irma will go over and nurse him.

RICH:

Well, Jane, it's none of my business, but it seems to me that Irma was much happier when she was going with Al. And since he now has a job, maybe if she goes to him, they'll patch up their quarrel.

JANE:

You mean we should let her think he really is sick?

RICH:

If that'll bring 'em together, it's worth a try. The girl's cracking up. I saw her talking to herself -- and that's the last person she should be talking to. ...

JANE:

Well, maybe you're right.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

IRMA:

OH, HELLO, JANE. HELLO, RICHARD.

RICH:

Hello, Irma.

JANE:

Irma, Honey, I have a message for you from Al. His friend Mushy is outside.

IRMA:

OH, IS THAT WHO THAT MAN IS?

JANE:

Yes, Al is sick and he wants to see you right away.

IRMA:

OH, MY POOR AL. SICK?! AND HE WAS LOOKING FORWARD SO MUCH TO KEEPING HIS NEW JOB!

RICH:

(DISBELIEF) He was--?

JANE:

Er, yes! Yes, his sudden illness must be a tragic disappointment. Well, Irma, what are you going to do?

IRMA:

DO? NATURALLY I'M GOING RIGHT DOWN THERE AND NURSE HIM BACK TO HEALTH! AFTER ALL, HIS MOTHER IS SIXTY-FIVE AND NOT IN HER RIGHT MIND, AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TAKE HER PLACE! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

AL:

Who is it?

IRMA:

(BEHIND DOOR) IT'S ME, AL. YOUR CHICKEN.

AL:

(MOANS UNCONVINCINGLY) ... (WEAKLY) Come in, Chicken.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

IRMA:

OH, MY POOR AL.

AL:

Come closer, chicken. I'm sinkin' fast.

IRMA:

I'M RIGHT BESIDE YOU, AL, HONEY.

AL:

Take my hand, Chicken.

IRMA:

LIKE THIS?

AL:

(YES) Uh huh. Now put my arm around ya.

IRMA:

ALL RIGHT.

AL:

Thanks. ... I'm so weak I can hardly breathe.

IRMA:

NEITHER CAN I. YOU'RE SQUEEZING ME SO HARD. ... (SOBS)

AL:

Chicken, you're cryin'.

IRMA:

OH, NO, AL. WHEN YOU SQUEEZED ME, I SPILLED SOME OF THIS SOUP I BROUGHT YOU. ...

AL:

Soup? For me? Chicken, you didn't have to do that. Sandwiches and hard boiled eggs would have been good enough. ...

IRMA:

OH, AL, YOU'RE SO BRAVE. HERE, YOU'D BETTER TAKE IT WHILE IT'S STILL HOT.

AL:

Thanks, Chicken. And when I get better, I'm goin' right back to work -- even if it takes years.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

JANE:

Richard, do you think we did the right thing, leading Irma to believe Al is really sick?

RICH:

You know, Jane, my conscience is beginning to bother me, too.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

JANE:

Excuse me.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

JANE:

Hello.

IRMA:

(FILTER) HELLO, JANE? GOSH, I'M TERRIBLY WORRIED ABOUT AL.

JANE:

Honey, you might as well know the truth. There's nothing wrong with Al. He was never sick.

IRMA:

NEVER SICK? THEN - THEN WHY HAS HE TURNED SO BROWN?

JANE:

Brown?

IRMA:

YES, IT HAPPENED RIGHT AFTER HE DRANK THE SOUP I MADE.

JANE:

Irma! What did you put in that soup?

IRMA:

NOTHING BUT FRESH VEGETABLES AND THAT BOTTLE OF MEAT SAUCE THAT WAS ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.

JANE:

Meat sauce?! Irma, get a doctor!

IRMA:

WHY?

JANE:

That was a bottle of brown shoe polish! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ENDS WITH JANE THEME

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, Al was pretty sick, but he's now fully recovered. That is he was fully recovered, but Irma happened to ask him when he was going to start to work and that gave him the fastest relapse you've ever seen. (TO JANE) Irma?

IRMA:

YES, JANE?

JANE:

When do you think Al will be well enough to go back to work?

IRMA:

HE SAID HE WAS GOING THE FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING.

JANE:

What made him decide so suddenly?

IRMA:

I DON'T KNOW. I WALKED INTO HIS ROOM WITH ANOTHER BOWL OF HOME MADE SOUP AND HE JUMPED OFF THE SOFA AND SAID HE WAS ALL BETTER! ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) And you know, sometimes I think there's a spark of genius in the mind of my friend Irma.

SOUND:

LENGTHY APPLAUSE ... FOR A CURTAIN ... THEN INTO COMMERCIAL--

IRMA:

JANE?

JANE:

Yes, Irma?

IRMA:

UH, YOU AREN'T ANGRY WITH ME?

JANE:

Darling, if I put my mind to it, staying angry with you would be a full time job, and I haven't the strength.

IRMA:

WELL, UH, DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT NOW?

JANE:

Do what?

IRMA:

CURL YOUR HAIR.

JANE:

What on earth are you talking about?

IRMA:

WELL, REMEMBER LAST NIGHT WHEN WE HAD WORDS -- I DON'T REMEMBER JUST WHICH ONES -- BUT YOU SAID, "IRMA, SOME DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUT A PERMANENT CURL IN MY HAIR!" SO SHOULD I DO IT NOW? ...

JANE:

Irma Peterson, where you get those notions you rave about I don't know.

IRMA:

OH, JANE, THAT'S JUST IT -- A RAYVE HOME PERMANENT!

RAYVE ANNCR:

Yes, ladies, now you can take the guesswork out of home permanent waving with Rayve. THE NEW PERSONALIZED HOME PERMANENT - A BRAND-NEW MEMBER OF THE GREAT PEPSODENT FAMILY. THE FAMOUS PEPSODENT-LEVER LABORATORIES PROUDLY PRESENT RAYVE. The new improved home permanent that eliminates guesswork. Only with Rayve, you get the easy-to-use dial-a-wave chart - your guide to the one right wave for your kind of hair. You'll find a Rayve wave is gentler, easier, up to twice as fast as the old-type home permanents. A Rayve wave is long-lasting, yet softer, more natural looking from the very first day. Make your next permanent a personalized Rayve home permanent.

It has been granted the Good Housekeeping seal and has been accepted for advertising in the journals of the American Medical Association. A complete Rayve kit is only two dollars; Rayve refill kit - one dollar. Both kits contain the exclusive dial-a-wave chart. On sale for the first time today. Get yours at your favorite drug or cosmetic counter.

MUSIC:

JAUNTY CLOSING THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNCR:

MY FRIEND IRMA is produced and directed by Cy Howard and stars Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane. Parke Levy writes the script with Stanley Adams and Roland MacLane and it is brought to you by Pepsodent Tooth Paste with Irium, another fine product of Lever Brothers Company. The part of Al was played by John Brown. Hans Conreid is Professor Kropotkin, Gloria Gordon was heard as Mrs. O'Reilly. Music was under the direction of Lud Gluskin. This is Wendell Niles speaking.

MUSIC:

FADES OUT FOR HITCHHIKE COMMERCIAL--

HITCHHIKE ANNCR:

B-R-I-S-K! BRISK FLAVOR! That's what you get in LIPTON TEA! Yes, Brisk Flavor that picks you up - brings you back alive in a hurry! Brisk Flavor that comes from Lipton's very special blending of the finest Orange Pekoe and Pekoe teas. Try it! You'll find that this brisk Flavor of Lipton's leaves you refreshed -- and ready to go again! And you can enjoy it often because even wonderful tea like Lipton's costs less than any drink except water. Always ask for Lipton Tea, the Brisk Tea with that heart-warming Lipton Lift!

MUSIC:

JAUNTY CLOSING THEME FADES BACK IN ... THEN IN BG UNTIL END--

ANNCR:

Tune in one hour earlier next week and listen to THE LUX RADIO THEATRE followed by the Pepsodent Show, MY FRIEND IRMA!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNCR:

THIS IS CBS...THE COLUMBIA BROADCASTING SYSTEM.