MILLER:

We take you now to Duffy's Tavern!

MUSIC:

FADE IN "IRISH EYES"...OUT ON CUE

SOUND:

PHONE RING

ARCHIE:

Hello, Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meet to eat, Archie, the Manager speaking - Duffy ain't here.... Oh, hello, Duffy....tonight?...Monty Woolley...You know, that sweet elderly gent, dignified, cultured, refined...yeah, old cactus face. Well look, Duffy, I'm busy...I gotta sweep the place up. I'm wastin' me time?...You gotta better idea...Oh, just ask Woolley if he wants a drink and when he starts nodding, walk him around the room. Good idea, Duffy, I might try it. I'll call you back. (HANGS UP)

MUSIC:

IN, UP AND UNDER FOR:

MILLER:

Ladies and gentlemen, Bristol Myers, the makers of Vitalis and Minit-Rub, welcome you to Duffy's Tavern. Come in and meet Miss Duffy, Finnegan, Eddie the waiter, Falstaff Openshaw, Matty Malneck and his orchestra, Archie himself, Ed Gardner, and tonight's guest--Monty Woolley. Duffy's Tavern is brought to you by two products it will pay you to remember...Minit-Rub...modern chest-rub...Vitalis...for well-groomed hair... Minit-Rub...Vitalis.

MUSIC:

UP TO FINISH

ARCHIE:

Eddie, I want you to--Wait a minute, who is that stranger laying under that table?

EDDIE:

That's no stranger, that's Mr. Moriarty.

ARCHIE:

No kiddin'?...Boy how a man can change in only three days!...What I wanted to say, Eddie, is that we gotta clean this place up. Did you take them cobwebs out of the telephone booth?

EDDIE:

I started to but the spider was making a long distance call...

ARCHIE:

The spider was making a call, huh?...ah...Happy Eddie...always a joke on your lips....carefree and gay....acting as though there was still a manpower shortage.

EDDIE:

Boy, writing that new movie is certainly making you touchy.

ARCHIE:

No it ain't.

EDDIE:

Yes it is....ever since you started writing it, you've had a scowl on your face.

ARCHIE:

That's not a scowl, Eddie...that is what is known as writer's cramp. It's an occupational disease...I been workin' hard on this story because I want it to be right. You see, this story is going to embark me on my career as a movie producer.

EDDIE:

Producer?....You gonna be a producer?

ARCHIE:

Yeah, Eddie. Where you goin'?

EDDIE:

I gotta go draw up some reconversion plans for President Truman.

ARCHIE:

Oh - I suppose I wouldn't be no good as a producer?

EDDIE:

Sure you would...After all, you wasn't no good as an actor and you ain't no good as a writer...so why shouldn't you be no good as a producer?

ARCHIE:

That's better. Boy, Eddie...I can see it now...me runnin' everything...."This picture produced by Archie - Starring Archie - Directed by Archie - Written by Archie - Costumed by Archie - and Talent Scouted by Archie".

EDDIE:

You mean you're gonna let the popcorn concession slip through your fingers? What's this story about?

ARCHIE:

It's a borogofree...the story of a famous man.

EDDIE:

Oh...I see.

ARCHIE:

Y'know, real life fiction. They're all the rage. That's the kind of stuff that goes in movies now, Eddie...Madame Curie...Louis Pasteur..."Rhapsody in Blue"--Y'know, the real life story of Oscar Levant...and there was that "Wilson"...the life story of...er...er...

EDDIE:

Alexander Knox?

ARCHIE:

Yeah ...that's the guy.

EDDIE:

And what famous man is your story about?

ARCHIE:

I ain't decided yet but what's the difference, all of them borogofrees is alike...the guy is born poor...he goes to the little red school house...then there's the blossoming of flowering talent...the whole world laughs at him, but he struggles along and all of a sudden he's an American....Until I find the right guy it will be the story of Blank.

EDDIE:

Of...and by.

ARCHIE:

Oh yeah?...Just listen to this dialogue, Eddie. (READS) "So you think you have made a great discovery, eh Blank? Well, suppose we let the world decide that, Blank...."

FINNEGAN:

Hello, Arch.

ARCHIE:

Oh hello, Finnegan...I was just tellin' Eddie--Finnegan, what's that smoke coming out of your coat pocket!

FINNEGAN:

Where? Oh, I ran out of perfume, Arch, so I'm burning incense.

ARCHIE:

Well, put it out, you dope, or you'll burn yourself to the ground.

FINNEGAN:

Oh yeah? Look what's in the other pocket, Arch.

ARCHIE:

Let's see. A water pistol!

FINNEGAN:

(BEAMS) Yeah.

ARCHIE:

Very clever, Finnegan...maybe I oughta write the borogofree about you and call it "Incendiary Bum."

FINNEGAN:

A good idea, Arch...I could give you lots of material....I got a great memory! I can remember me first high-chair.

ARCHIE:

Boy, what a memory!

FINNEGAN:

And even further back then that...I can remember me first pair of long pants

ARCHIE:

Well Finnegan, I appreciate the offer but a borogofree has to be about a guy that has accomplished something in life - besides breathing. The guy has to be an artist, or have a mechanical ability to be an inventor which you ain't got.

FINNEGAN:

Oh no?....What about the time I got that erector set for Christmas?

ARCHIE:

Well, what about it?

FINNEGAN:

I betcha I could have invented great things with it if I had been given half a chance.

ARCHIE:

What happened?

FINNEGAN:

I couldn't figure out how to get the package open.

ARCHIE:

Look, Finnegan, I'm grateful for the material submitted but I am forced to reject it. Not that it ain't interesting, mind you, but a borogofree should be about a man that is either living or dead - not both. Now stop bothering me, Finnegan.

FALSTAFF:

Put the pool balls in the rack, Lass
Falstaff's here..the rhyming Jack...

ARCHIE:

FALSTAFF! Glad to see you! You ain't been around all week.

FALSTAFF:

No, I've been hibernating.

ARCHIE:

Oh, is that so? Anybody I know?

FALSTAFF:

What I mean is, I have removed myself from the madding crowd and devoted myself to my poems.

ARCHIE:

And you would like me to hear them?

FALSTAFF:

Precisely why I am here... have you heard?
"Get that fly out of my soup, waiter.
I came here to dine alone."

ARCHIE:

No.

FALSTAFF:

Have you heard:
"Don't tell me you haven't been eating ground glass, Junior,
I can see right through you."

ARCHIE:

Falstaff, you know your poetry is different....it's the kind of stuff that will live - even if you don't. Hey wait a minute!.....Europa!

FALSTAFF:

What is it?

ARCHIE:

Falstaff, you're my man.

FALSTAFF:

I?

ARCHIE:

Certainly....you're a famous American.

FALSTAFF:

Indubitably.

ARCHIE:

You're a genius.

FALSTAFF:

Indubitably.

ARCHIE:

You're the greatest poet of our time.

FALSTAFF:

Indubitably.

ARCHIE:

And besides, think of the novelty of a movie about a bum like you, the starving poet, starving in one of them garrets of Wimple Street.

FALSTAFF:

You mean you want to do my life story?

ARCHIE:

Yeah, for movies. What d'ya say?

FALSTAFF:

Well....I don't know....what's in it for me?

ARCHIE:

How do you like that!.....I want to immoralize the guy and he asks what's in it for him! Falstaff, did Abraham Lincoln ask Raymond Massey, "What's in it for me?"......No, he was duly grateful for the fame that Massey brought him......So Falstaff, if I hear the word "money" again, the whole deal is off.

FALSTAFF:

Money.

ARCHIE:

....I'll tell you what I'll do....If the picture turns out a success, I'll cut you in on the net gross running into four year options until it becomes retroactive. And believe me, this picture will make a fortune with Monty Woolley playing the lead.

FALSTAFF:

Monty Woolley!? Forsooth man! .....if it is my life's story, why should I not play the lead?

ARCHIE:

Falstaff, don't be ridiculous! You can't play yourself, you're not the type.

FALSTAFF:

What nonsense is this?

ARCHIE:

It ain't nonsense, Falstaff, it's Hollywood policy. Look....in the Andy Hardy series, does Andy Hardy play Andy Hardy? No!....Mickey Rooney plays Andy Hardy.....And if they do the life of Mickey Rooney, who will play Mickey Rooney?

FALSTAFF:

Wallace Beery.

ARCHIE:

Probably....and why?....because Mickey Rooney's too short.

FALSTAFF:

I see what you mean, Archie. I capitulate.

ARCHIE:

It ain't that, Falstaff, you just ain't the type. Now go over in the corner and jot down a few details of your life. You know, Falstaff, the boy...Falstaff, the youth. Falstaff, the....whatever you'd call yourself now. Now begone! Oh boy, will this make a movie! Hey, Eddie!

EDDIE:

Yassuh.

ARCHIE:

You're a man of above-average intelligence.

EDDIE:

True.

ARCHIE:

You like high-quality movies, don't you?

EDDIE:

True.

ARCHIE:

Then you'd go to see a movie based on the life of Falstaff Openshaw, wouldn't you?

EDDIE:

Not if it was Bank Night and my mother was drawing the numbers.

MISS D:

Say, Archie.

ARCHIE:

Hello, Miss Duffy.

MISS D:

Falstaff tells me that you're going to do his life story.

ARCHIE:

So what?

MISS D:

As the future Mrs. Falstaff Openshaw, I would like to know how much money we're going to get out of it?

ARCHIE:

How much money we're going to get out of it! Miss Duffy, ain't you jumpin' the shot-gun? You ain't even married to the guy yet and already you're worried about money.

MISS D:

Who's worried about the money? It's not my idea - it's Falstaff's. He just has too much pride.

ARCHIE:

Too much pride?

MISS D:

Yes, he refuses to live on my salary...he says it's too small.

ARCHIE:

Well, he's nuts, Miss Duffy...you don't need money to get married on.

MISS D:

That's what I keep telling him. Look at my mother and father....when they wanted to marry each other they didn't let anything stop them.

ARCHIE:

Obviously.

MISS D:

They were so poor they couldn't even afford to get married in church. Mamma had to walk down the aisle in Clancy's Slaughterhouse.

ARCHIE:

Yeah.....I know....people still talk to this day about how pretty your Mother looked carrying that leg of mutton for a bridal bouquet. As I remember, they held their reception in the icebox, didn't they?

MISS D:

Well, that part I don't know about.

MILLER:

Archie, did I hear you say that Mrs. Duffy married Mr. Duffy in an ice box?

ARCHIE:

Yeah, but them things even themselves up....she's made it hot for him over since.

MISS D:

Archie!

MILLER:

Didn't they catch cold in that ice box?

ARCHIE:

Worse! They caught each other!

MILLER:

Archie, there's nothing worse than a bad cold and that's why it's a good idea to have Minit-Rub on hand.

(INTO COMMERCIAL)

 

FIRST COMMERCIAL

MISS D:

Arch, living on love is all right between meals -- money is not to be sneezed at.

MILLER:

Did I hear you say sneeze Miss Duffy?

ARCHIE:

Gesundheit Mr. Miller. No doubt you wish a minute to rub it in.

MILLER:

Well natch -- if it's Minit Rub I'm rubbing in. Cause Minit Rub's exactly the thing to use when someone sneezes and a cold is coming on. Minit Rub, you see, is a modern chest rub that helps relieve those annoying cold symptoms fast. All you have to do is rub a little Minit Rub on your throat, chest and back. In a minute Minit Rub gets to work and helps relieve that clogged up feeling in the nose and throat....helps bring a feeling of warmth and comfort to the chest. Ah, but here's an added plus to Minit Rub that everyone should know about too. Minit Rub is greaseless and stainless - disappears like vanishing cream so you can't stain clothes or pillow cases - and boy that's something every housewife will like because there's no extra washing with this chest rub. Yes, Minit Rub is really a wonderful helpful chest rub. So get a jar of Minit Rub now and get after those uncomfortable cold symptoms the greaseless, stainless modern way -- the Minit Rub way.

MUSIC:

TAG

ARCHIE:

Now let's see how this contract looks...(READS)..."Whereas Falstaff Openshaw, hereafter referred to as and/or 'F. Openshaw' does hereby agree, concede, and otherwise demur to retain to the Party of the First Part, hereafter referred to as "United Archie", all rights to his life, liberty and pursuit of happiness." Well, guess that has the customary number of loopholes.

FINNEGAN:

Hey, Arch, I didn't know you was serving spinach tonight.

ARCHIE:

We ain't.

FINNEGAN:

Oh no?...there's a guy over there with a whole mouthful of it.

ARCHIE:

Where?..Finnegan, that ain't spinach - that's Monty Woolley! Well hello, Monty!

(APPLAUSE)

 

ARCHIE:

Well Monty, glad to see you! You're lookin' great!...Y'know, looking at you makes me think there's worse things than growin' old.

WOOLLEY:

Archie...looking at you makes me sure of it.

ARCHIE:

Now just a second, Monty...don't start that barbed wire wit on me again tonight! Don't forget I can dish it out too...You know when you walked in the door there I could easily have said, "Here comes the man who came to dinner and brought his own spinach." Y'see I got a pretty biting wit, too.

WOOLLEY:

Archie, your wit isn't "biting" - it's teething.

ARCHIE:

Touche, Monty. But now let's cut out the act and let's just be yourself. We all know that underneath it all you're a sweet guy...that you got a lot of that milk of human kindness.

WOOLLEY:

Of course...I'm filled with it. Can't you hear it -- slosh, slosh.

ARCHIE:

Of course...so why stand here brandyin' insults at me...why don't we try a nice peaceful conversation. Go ahead try it...just once.

WOOLLEY:

Oh, very well. Have you read any good books lately?

ARCHIE:

No.

WOOLLEY:

Nice weather for October, isn't it?

ARCHIE:

Monty, you know something..you're pretty dull when you stop insulting people.

FINNEGAN:

Say Arch.

ARCHIE:

Oh Finnegan...Finnegan, this is Monty Woolley. Mr. Woolley - Mr. Finnegan. Monty - Clifton. Hairy - Ape.

FINNEGAN:

Mr. Woolley, your face looks very familiar...didn't we meet some place?

WOOLLEY:

I think not. I haven't been under a rock in years.

FINNEGAN:

Oh...Must have been someplace else then. Wait a minute! I know. I seen you in the movies...You're Dame May Whitty's father, ain't you?

WOOLLEY:

My dear departed friend, it should be obvious even to you that I am not quite old enough to be Dame May Whitty's father.

ARCHIE:

You see, Finnegan, you ask a ridiculous question..you get a ridiculous answer. Now beat it. Monty, I hope you'll excuse Clifton tonight...he just isn't himself.

WOOLLEY:

He's lucky.

ARCHIE:

Yes. By the way, speaking of pictures, Monty...I sure miss Hollywood. Boy, that weather out there - perfect...never too hot and never too cold.

WOOLLEY:

Yes...the fog is always just right.

ARCHIE:

Yes. Y'know I summered out there this past summer. That's where I made my debris as an actor.

WOOLLEY:

Yes, I know....and from what I've heard, Lunt and Fontanne are quite worried.

ARCHIE:

Ah go on! I'm no competition to them dance teams.

WOOLLEY:

Archie, haven't you heard? Lunt and Fontanne aren't dancing any more.

ARCHIE:

No? What happened?

WOOLLEY:

They have split up...He's on the road with Fink's Mules, and she's the straight woman in a knife-throwing act.

ARCHIE:

Well I guess they're just like I am...they can't get the business out of their blood. Which reminds me, Monty...I've got a great proposition for you.

WOOLLEY:

I can't wait to hear it.

ARCHIE:

Well, as I told you, I made a picture.

WOOLLEY:

Yes.

ARCHIE:

Well frankly, what that Lunt and Fontanne told you was right...between you and me and the lamp-post, I wasn't so good.

WOOLLEY:

Archie, I have news for you ... the lamp post has also been talking.

ARCHIE:

Be that as it be and maybe it might ... This time things is going to be different ... I'm going in on the production end.

WOOLLEY:

Oh goody! And may I offer a prophecy as to which end you're coming out on.

ARCHIE:

Oh yeah? ... Wait'll you hear what the idea is ... I'm gonna do a borogofree.

WOOLLEY:

Revolutionary!

ARCHIE:

Yep ... the life story of a famous American.

WOOLLEY:

Who?

ARCHIE:

Falstaff Openshaw.

WOOLLEY:

Not the Falstaff Openshaw?

ARCHIE:

None other. Monty, need you know any more?

WOOLLEY:

Yes ... Who is he?

ARCHIE:

Who is he! ... Just a second. (CALLS) Hey, Falstaff!

FALSTAFF:

Yes?

ARCHIE:

Falstaff, I would like you to give Mr. Woolley here a sample of one of your undying masterpieces.

FALSTAFF:

Mr. Woolley, weren't you a professor of literature at Yale?

WOOLLEY:

Correct, sir.

FALSTAFF:

(CAMPS) Then you'll just love this one. Have you heard
"Don't park your blow-torch on the bus, Grandma
You'll deprive some poor man of his seat?"

WOOLLEY:

No I haven't, and let's keep it that way, shall we?

ARCHIE:

Just a second, Monty ... Don't punch a gift horse in the mouth ... After all, Falstaff is a pretty prominent poet ... in fact his stuff is about to be syndicated.

WOOLLEY:

Really? .... On how many fences?

FALSTAFF:

Why you senile Henry Aldrich!

ARCHIE:

Now Falstaff, take it easy - this is the guy I'm trying to get to portray your life in the picture.

WOOLLEY:

What? ... I play the part of this moldy Milton?

ARCHIE:

Monty, please! Leave us forget personalities until you hear the stuff. Just wait here until I line up the rest of the cast and we'll run through it. I'll be with you in a second. Come on, Falstaff.

WOOLLEY:

Monty, old boy .... you should of stood in Yale.

MILLER:

Mr. Woolley.

WOOLLEY:

Yes?

MILLER:

My name is Miller. I was just wondering what you use to keep your hair in place.

WOOLLEY:

Bobby pins of course.

MILLER:

I can understand your annoyance, Mr. Woolley. It's hard on all of us when we can't get Vitalis.

(INTO COMMERCIAL)

 

SECOND COMMERCIAL

WOOLLEY:

Yes -- it was cruel of you.

MILLER:

I suppose it was, because Vitalis is such a wonderful hair grooming preparation. Right now, however, all Vitalis being made is still sent to the Armed Forces, but the wartime shortage which limited the supply of this famous hair grooming preparation is going to ease up in a short time. And when Vitalis does come back --- it will be the same genuine Vitalis that has been the hair grooming favorite of so many men for so many years. Once again, you'll be able to enjoy Vitalis and the famous sixty second workout that loosens a tight, dry scalp, stimulates circulation and helps prevent excessive falling hair. Meanwhile we are doing everything possible to get Vitalis to you before long.

MUSIC:

ORCH NO

(AFTER SECOND COMMERCIAL)

 

ARCHIE:

Okay, Monty, leave us get started with our production.

WOOLLEY:

Oh yes. What do we do first, C.B.?

ARCHIE:

Huh? Oh yeah, that stands for DeMille.

WOOLLEY:

It also stands for crummy bartender ...and that's cleaning it up.

FINNEGAN:

Hey Arch ... what part do I play in this movie?

ARCHIE:

Finnegan, for tonight you will play Mrs. Openshaw - Falstaff's sweet old lady.

FINN:

Gosh, Arch ... you mean I'm going to be a mother?

ARCHIE:

Yeah. Do you think you can do it?

FINN:

Well yeah. There's only one thing I'm worried about.

ARCHIE:

What?

FINN:

How do you think I'll look on the front page of the Medical Journal?

ARCHIE:

You been on it twice already ... once more won't hurt. Now Monty, you play the part of Falstaff Openshaw, remember.

WOOLLEY:

My conscience won't let me forget.

ARCHIE:

Okay, boys .... let's go. Roll the sets! Focus the back-drop! Dolly up the montage! This talk ain't too technical for you, is it Monty?

WOOLLEY:

Oh no ... It's just as clear to me as it is to you.

ARCHIE:

Good. Now let's start with the first scene - the childhood of Falstaff. This scene takes place in the home where Falstaff was born - a spacious mansion in the log cabin section of Tennessee. The picture opens in Falstaff's nursery. The camera pans to the bed. We find Mr. and Mrs. Openshaw leaning over their little infant, a young muling infant, played by Monty Woolley. Music please! Action!

MUSIC:

VIOLIN "TURKEY IN THE STRAW" VERY FAST

FINN:

Paw.

FALSTAFF:

Yes maw.

FINN:

Whut d'ye reckon the young'ns gonna be ef'n he reckons to grow up, y'all?

FALSTAFF:

Shecks, Maw, I guess he will be like most boys ... he'll want to be either a cowboy, a baseball player, a locomotive engineer, or a pediatrician. Wait, Maw, wait ... I think little Falstaff is about to speak!

FINN:

Oh joy, Zeke, our baby's first words. Listen!

WOOLLEY:

Goo goo ... boo boo.

FALSTAFF:

Shakes a-mighty, Maw, did you hear that rime? -- Goo goo --- Boo boo.

FINN:

Duh - Paw, who'd ever thunk our boy'd be a poet.

WOOLLEY:

I'm just a baby, I'm only two
But already, Mother, I'm smarter than you.

ARCHIE:

Cut!

MUSIC:

CHORD

ARCHIE:

That was great. If every scene is like that we'll be through in no time.

WOOLLEY:

I'm through now.

ARCHIE:

Monty, at least wait until you hear the second scene! The second scene takes place in a poor little unpainted red schoolhouse where our young hero learns his three "R's" -- readin', writin' and spellin'. Falstaff was lucky in having as his teacher Miss Bertha Titus who had studied Carl Sandburg and Nick Kenny. The part of Miss Titus will be played by Miss Duffy. Okay .... Action!

SOUND:

TINKLE OF CLASSROOM BELL

MISS D:

Falstaff Openshaw?

WOOLLEY:

Yes, teacher?

MISS D:

What was Lord Byron's first name?

WOOLLEY:

I do not know, I cannot tell ... and teacher, you can go ...

MISS D:

Falstaff!

MUSIC:

CHORD

ARCHIE:

And now we come to Scene three in Falstaff's life ..... Youth has given way to Adolescence ... A slight fuzz begins to appear on Falstaff's young cheeks. You see, Woolley, you are a natural for the part. Falstaff's poetry takes him to Greenwich Village where he becomes a Bohemian and changes his name from Openshaw to Opencheck. This was the period in which Falstaff's ample stomach went empty. So to keep both ends from meeting, he got a job as a cleaning woman in a night court during the day time so he could devote his evenings to writing poetry. Then suddenly one day in 1937 the big break came ... Lightning struck the Openshaw house .. He met Fred Allen, a radio comedian of that era. Fred happened to be in Greenwich Village one day, looking for an inexpensive delicatessen, when suddenly his eye caught a sign that read "Falstaff Openshaw - 221 Charles Street - Cheap Poetry". Allen immediately saw possibilities in this man. So the scene switches back to 221 Charles Street.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

WOOLLEY:

Yes?

ARCHIE:

(AS ALLEN) I am Fred Allen. Have you got any cheap rimes?

WOOLLEY:

No, but I have some free verse.

ARCHIE:

That's even better. How do you like it so far, Monty? Monty, stop holding your nose... I'm playing Fred Allen. Falstaff, how much would you charge to work on my program?

WOOLLEY:

I'll take one-fifty a week.

ARCHIE:

I'll give you twenty-five!

WOOLLEY:

I'm a steal at forty.

ARCHIE:

You're a thief at thirty.

WOOLLEY:

I'll compromise .... we'll make it an even quarter.

ARCHIE:

You're hired.

MUSIC:

CHORD

ARCHIE:

Falstaff's success with Fred Allen was instantaneous. 1938!

MUSIC:

CHORD

WOOLLEY:

Have you heard:
When I saw you pick up that cigar butt, Mother
I knew you'd reached the end of your rope.

ARCHIE:

1939!

MUSIC:

CHORD

WOOLLEY:

Have you heard:
Lay out my golden diaper pin, Mother
I'm going formal tonight?

MUSIC:

CHORD

ARCHIE:

1941!

WOOLLEY:

Have you heard:
Aunt Jennie's been brushing her teeth with gun powder...
now she's shooting her mouth off again.

MUSIC:

CHORD

ARCHIE:

Then Falstaff made his big mistake .... 1943!

MUSIC:

CHORD

WOOLLEY:

Mr. Allen, have you heard:
I've worked for years for nary a penny...
I've hocked my pants, and I've hocked my benny.

ARCHIE:

Falstaff, you're fired! You know how I hate that word "Benny."

MUSIC:

CHORD

ARCHIE:

Y'see, Monty, it's positively poignant with possibilities.

WOOLLEY:

Precisely why I am leaving.

ARCHIE:

Wait a minute, Monty!.....There's just one more scene - the love scene.

WOOLLEY:

And who is the love interest?

ARCHIE:

Miss Duffy.

WOOLLEY:

That isn't interest...it's usury. Where does this next little gem take place?

ARCHIE:

On the beach at Coney Island. It is a beautiful moonlight night and the balmy waves blow gently on the shore. Okay...Action!

MISS D:

Ah Falstaff.

WOOLLEY:

Yes, my pearl of great price.

MISS D:

Wouldn't it be wonderful to make love here on the beach, always?

WOOLLEY:

Ah, what a beautiful thought....to bury you here in the sand, forever.

ARCHIE:

Monty, that ain't in the script.

WOOLLEY:

And neither am I.

ARCHIE:

You mean you don't like it?

WOOLLEY:

It isn't that...it's just that yesterday I was offered a better part.

ARCHIE:

Better than this?

WOOLLEY:

Yes. Macy's just called me up and asked me what I was doing during the holidays.

MUSIC:

IN, UP AND UNDER:

(APPLAUSE)

 

MILLER:

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to leave Duffy's Tavern for this evening, but let's meet here again at the same time next week. In the meantime.....if you have a cold.....

VOICE:

Remember Minit-Rub.

MILLER:

And for well-groomed hair...

VOICE:

Remember Vitalis.

MUSIC:

IN, UP AND UNDER: CUT ON CUE

ANNCR:

THIS IS THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

HITCH-HIKE

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ANNCR:

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ANNCR:

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