ANNOUNCER:

Lux presents Hollywood!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Flakes, bring you THE LUX RADIO THEATRE, starring June Allyson and Dick Powell in "The Reformer and the Redhead." Ladies and gentlemen, by transcription, your producer, Mr. William Keighley!

MUSIC:

THEME ... UP AND OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

HOST:

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight is the last LUX RADIO THEATRE broadcast of this season when we join the rest of our fellow workers in a short vacation before we return to the air during the latter part of August. We always try to use great care in choosing our last play because we like the curtain to come down on one of the very best shows of the season. And so for tonight's play we invited a lovely young star who has topped so many popularity polls as your favorite actress, delightful June Allyson. Then we asked June to choose her favorite leading man -- (CHUCKLES) -- and to no one's surprise she named Dick Powell, one of our most versatile stars. Then, of course, the choice of plays was no problem at all because I'm sure you remember June Allyson and Dick Powell as the very convincing romantic team in "The Reformer and the Redhead." Altogether, for our final show of the season, I'm sure you'll approve this gay Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer comedy. And we're also happy to know that you approve our new Lux Flakes with Color Freshener because your letters tell us that both THE LUX RADIO THEATRE and the new Lux Flakes have added many new friends this year. Here's "The Reformer and the Redhead," starring June Allyson as Kathy and Dick Powell as Andrew Hale.

MUSIC:

LIVELY INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

The city of Oakmont, California is deeply concerned these days with an election for mayor. Among the candidates is a young lawyer named Andrew Hale. Andrew represents the reform ticket, and frankly he doesn't stand a chance. Up until now, that is. Because now he's on his way to see the man who really runs Oakmont.

SOUND:

RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

ARTIE:

Now look, Andy, try to forget I'm your law partner. I'm also your campaign manager, and you'd better listen to me.

ANDY:

Okay, Artie.

ARTIE:

We're calling on Commodore Parker. Now just remember, you're strictly the boy scout. You don't know from nothin'!

ANDY:

Oh, relax. Parker wouldn't have sent for us if they weren't stuck for a candidate.

ARTIE:

And you're supposed to look like a reformer, too. Throw away that cigar.

ANDY:

Hmmm. Anything else?

ARTIE:

Yes. Yes, be simple and clean-cut. You know, sort of a cross between Eisenhower and Li'l Abner.

ANDY:

Look, Artie, I wrote the act; I think I can speak the lines.

ARTIE:

(CHUCKLES) I'm not worried, pal. Just be the sort of fellow my mother would like my sister to marry.

ANDY:

That's any fellow. ... And slow down. You turn left at the next corner.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN THE ARGUMENTATIVE MURMUR OF A SMALL GROUP OF POLITICOS ... OUT BEHIND--

PARKER:

Now, now, just take it easy, boys, take it easy. Frankly, this fellow Hale leaves me cold. Besides, I don't like this rush act; five minutes
to endorse a candidate I've never even heard of.

1ST POLITICO:

But, Commodore, you've been away for nearly a year. While you and your niece Lily were hunting elephants in Africa, the people of Oakmont were hunting for a new mayor. We've got to put a new face in city hall.

SOUND:

POLITICOS MURMUR AGREEMENT

PARKER:

Nobody's telling me how to run Oakmont. (GIVES IN) Oh, all right, all right. What do you know about Hale?

1ST POLITICO:

He came from the local orphanage. Grew up in town. Good war record. Pretty popular lawyer. You know, "man of the people" sort.

PARKER:

Well, I still don't like the reform angle. Do you boys think he'll stay in line?

SOUND:

POLITICOS MURMUR A DISCUSSION ... CONTINUES IN BG, OUT BY [X]

2ND POLITICO:

Well, pardon me, Commodore. Mr. Hale and Mr. Maxwell are calling, sir.

PARKER:

Well, show them in, show them in.

1ST POLITICO:

(LOW) If you like him, let's move fast. We'll have to.

PARKER:

(LOW) If I like him. [X] (UP) Well, come in, Mr. Hale, come in!

ANDY:

(APPROACHES) How do you do, sir?

PARKER:

You know the boys here. (TO ARTIE) How are you, Maxwell?

ARTIE:

How do you do, sir?

PARKER:

Well, Andrew, seems I've heard nothing but "Hale" since I came back from Africa.

ANDY:

That's very flattering, sir.

PARKER:

Now, now -- no modesty. Uh, cigar?

ANDY:

Well, thank you, sir; I never smoke them.

PARKER:

Oh? If you don't mind, Andrew, there are a few questions I'd like to ask.

ANDY:

Certainly, sir.

PARKER:

How does it happen that you have this benign preoccupation for the welfare of your fellow man?

ARTIE:

Well, you see, Commodore, when Andrew was a very little boy--

PARKER:

(POINTEDLY) I'd rather hear it from the candidate, if you don't mind.

ARTIE:

Oh.

ANDY:

(FEIGNS SINCERITY ALMOST TOO BEAUTIFULLY) Well, I, uh-- I think I can tell you, sir. Down the road from the orphanage there was an old cemetery. One day, when life was almost too much to bear, I ran away to the cemetery and threw myself on the ground, sobbing.

PARKER:

Oh?

ANDY:

Yes. ... When I looked up, I saw this little epitaph: "A simple grave, a simple stone; put simple flowers around it. / Here lies a humble but happy man. He left this world a little better than he found it."

PARKER:

Andrew, that's very, very--

ANDY:

I didn't run away, sir. I went back to the orphanage, firmly dedicating myself to leaving this world a little better than I found it.

ARTIE:

And he will, sir. If Andrew Hale says he'll leave this world--

PARKER:

(ANNOYED) From the candidate, please.

ARTIE:

Ah, yes, sir.

PARKER:

Andrew, what would you consider your prime responsibility if you were elected mayor?

ANDY:

Well, I believe public office is a sacred trust. It demands sincerity, integrity, and a high regard for civic welfare.

PARKER:

That's very noble, son. Just two words I'd like to add -- loyalty and prudence. Loyalty to the party who elected you, and, uh, the prudence to accept the advice of older and wiser heads. Uh, do we understand each other?

ANDY:

I believe so, sir.

PARKER:

Then accept my heartiest congratulations. Gentlemen, shake hands with the next mayor of Oakmont!

SOUND:

POLITICOS MURMUR CONGRATULATIONS AGREEABLY ... OUT BEHIND--

PARKER:

Now, uh, here's a list of your, uh, your administrative appointments, Andrew. We've picked them very carefully. All excellent men. Kerry, I think you can call the newspapers now.

2ND POLITICO:

Right away, Commodore!

ANDY:

Uh, just a minute, please. I - I believe I'd like to think it over.

PARKER:

Think? Think what over?

ANDY:

Well, I, uh-- I was under the impression a mayor makes his own appointments.

PARKER:

Sorry, but that's it, my boy.

ANDY:

Price is kind of high, isn't it?

PARKER:

Well, good things come high.

ANDY:

I'd still like a little time.

PARKER:

Why, certainly, sir. Let's say, uh-- This evening?

ANDY:

Er, fine, yes. If you'll excuse us, gentlemen, Mr. Maxwell and I will get back to you later.

SOUND:

POLITICOS MURMUR DISCONCERTEDLY ... SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

ARTIE:

But, Andy! Parker handed it to you on a silver platter, and you had to say you'd think it over!

ANDY:

Oh, he doesn't want a mayor, Artie. He wants a Charlie McCarthy sitting in his lap.

ARTIE:

But such a nice, fat comfortable lap. Room there for both of us. Why? Will you tell me why?

ANDY:

Look, if I've got to have a crooked machine, it's gonna be my crooked machine. I'll tell who to get on and who to get off. Any more questions?

ARTIE:

You know, Andy, you're not gonna leave this world a little better than when you found it. You're gonna take it with ya! ... Aw, now look, you're not going to run the Parker machine.

ANDY:

Don't think it couldn't be done. All you have to do is find out where the body's buried. Come on, let's get back to the office.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

ANDY:

Just a second, Leon. Who's in the waiting room?

LEON:

Her name is Kathleen Maguire, Mr. Hale. She has red hair.

ANDY:

What did you say she was arrested for?

LEON:

Assault and battery at the City Zoo; Miss Lily Parker complaining.

ANDY:

Lily Parker? The Commodore's niece!

LEON:

The facts would indicate that Miss Maguire knocked her silly.

ANDY:

But why did she come to me?

LEON:

She saw your campaign pictures. She is under the impression that you have an honest face.

ANDY:

Discerning girl, Leon. Send her in. And tell Mr. Maxwell to come in, too. (TO HIMSELF) Hmm, knocked Lily Parker silly? Wonder why.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

KATHY:

And then when I saw your picture, Mr. Hale, I knew you could do me a lot of good.

ANDY:

Fine, fine, Miss Maguire.

KATHY:

And vice versa. Politically speaking, of course.

ARTIE:

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

KATHY:

If there ever was a miscarriage of justice, and I mean flagrant-- First my father and then me. Although the two cases were not related, except indirectly, of course.

ANDY:

Uh, Miss Maguire, I'm afraid I don't quite--

KATHY:

Believe me, if you champion the underdog, you've got a couple of beauties on your hands. Pedigreed beauties! And I assure you, I feel no guilt! My conscience is clear and so is my father's!

ANDY:

Well, fine, fine. Now, uh, about this misunderstanding between you and Miss Parker--

KATHY:

Misunderstanding? Huh! She was flat on her back before she knew what hit her.

ARTIE:

You really hit her?

KATHY:

What did you think? There they were, driving Caesar crazy. She and the Commodore. He's disturbed enough these days.

ANDY:

The Commodore?

KATHY:

No, Caesar. You see, Queenie just died.

ARTIE:

Who's Queenie?

KATHY:

His wife.

ANDY:

The Commodore's?

KATHY:

No, Caesar's. ...

ANDY:

Who's Caesar?

KATHY:

(AS IF IT WERE OBVIOUS) A lion. Jackie's brother.

ARTIE:

(AS IF HE UNDERSTOOD COMPLETELY) Ohhh! ... Jackie's brother, hmmm. (DOUBLE TAKE) A lion?!

KATHY:

Well, what did you think? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I left out something.

ARTIE:

Oh, I don't know. It's perfectly clear to me.

KATHY:

Well, how could it be clear, Maxwell? I forgot to tell you that Pop is superintendent of the City Zoo. That is, he was up to this morning, when the Park Commission fired him.

ARTIE:

Well, you haven't finished about Jackie's brother.

KATHY:

Oh. Well, Pop was sending Caesar to San Diego to be with Bertha, his sister.

ANDY:

Your father's?

KATHY:

No, Caesar's. You see, Caesar and Jackie are brothers and Bertha's the sister.

ANDY:

Where's Queenie?

ARTIE:

She's on third. ...

ANDY:

Now, please, please, in simple terms, Miss Maguire, why did you hit Miss Parker?

KATHY:

But I just told you. Really, I don't think you're paying attention.

ANDY:

Well, I'm terribly sorry.

KATHY:

(AS IF TO A CHILD) Lily Parker and her uncle, Commodore Parker, came out to the Zoo.

ANDY:

Mm hm.

KATHY:

They wanted to see that exhibit they donated.

ARTIE:

Exhibit?

KATHY:

All those miserable creatures they slaughtered in Africa. Slaughtered and stuffed, mind you! (WITH DISGUST) Stuffed animals in a zoo. Then they went over to the Lion House. Now, in the first place, Caesar is not allowed to have visitors these days. He is a very neurotic lion.

ANDY:

Oh, yes, yes, you told us that.

KATHY:

But there she stood, driving him crazy, boasting and bragging how they butchered everything in Africa -- lions, leopards, elephants. I told her to cut it out. Then she told me to mind my own business. She gave me a push, and I gave her an uppercut and it was all over in ten seconds. ...

ANDY:

Except that she had you arrested. Miss Maguire, do you know of any law which prohibits the killing of wild animals?

KATHY:

Well, there should be.

ANDY:

But there isn't.

KATHY:

And there should be a law against mounting their carcasses. It's indecent. It's like if I ran over Maxwell here with an automobile, would I stuff him and put him on the wall? ...

ARTIE:

Well, just the head and shoulders, perhaps.

ANDY:

I'm sorry, Miss Maguire, but I'm afraid I won't be able to handle your defense.

KATHY:

(UPSET) Oh. Well, that's just fine! Some reformer. What do you care if an innocent man gets fired?

ANDY:

Well, but what's an innocent man got to do with this?

KATHY:

I told you! My father -- superintendent of the zoo -- thrown out like a dog.

ARTIE:

Because you socked Lily Parker?

KATHY:

No, of course not. Pop got fired because he wouldn't have Commodore Parker's stuffed animals in the zoo. Oh, what does anyone care? Parker snaps his fingers at that crooked Park Commission and an innocent man is out on the street.

ANDY:

Are you accusing Commodore Parker of undue influence over the commission?

KATHY:

Well, certainly. He's a crook.

ANDY:

Miss Maguire, you've just made a very serious accusation. Can you prove it?

KATHY:

My father can.

ANDY:

You're sure? Could I have a little talk with your father?

KATHY:

Well, why not?

ANDY:

When?

KATHY:

Right now. I'll drive you out to the ranch.

ANDY:

Good.

ARTIE:

Now, Andy, Andy. Remember, you've got important business, remember? You are running for mayor, you know.

ANDY:

(TO KATHY) Oh, uh, would you mind waiting outside, Miss Maguire? I'll be with you in a moment.

KATHY:

Fine. (MOVING OFF) G'bye, Maxwell.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

ARTIE:

Are you out of your mind?

ANDY:

Now, now, take it easy.

ARTIE:

That girl's crazy. Go on, pick up the phone and tell Parker you accept his support!

ANDY:

Maguire's got plenty on that commission and I'm going to find out what it is.

ARTIE:

From a dame that goes around stuffing pedestrians?! ... You get mixed up with a character like that and you'll end up on the wall.

ANDY:

Oh, please.

ARTIE:

Stuffed -- head and shoulders!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

TRUCK SLOWS TO A STOP ... ENGINE OUT ... TRUCK DOORS OPEN BEHIND--

KATHY:

Well, this it, Mr. Hale. This is the ranch.

SOUND:

SHEP THE DOG BARKS, SLIGHTLY OFF ... THEN APPROACHES RAPIDLY AND LOUDLY

ANDY:

Holy smoke! What in the world is that?

KATHY:

Get down, Shep! Down! (TO ANDY) Oh, he's all right. He's just a little large for a St. Bernard. Look, I'd better explain to you about the rest of our pets.

ANDY:

Oh, never mind, never mind. I get along fine with animals.

KATHY:

Well, you know, some people think it's kind of peculiar the way Pop and I--

ANDY:

Look, look, if you'll just get your father?

KATHY:

Oh, well, he's probably out in one of the barns with Jenny. You just go in the house and make yourself at home.

ANDY:

Fine, fine. Thank you very much.

SOUND:

ANDY WALKS TO FRONT DOOR WHICH OPENS ... ANDY WALKS IN, CLOSES DOOR

ANDY:

(TO HIMSELF) Well, I wonder if Arthur was right. Maybe I should have phoned the Commodore. On the other hand, if her father--

SOUND:

LION ROARS TWICE (LIKE M-G-M'S LEO)

ANDY:

(UNCONCERNED) All right, Shep. Take it easy, doggie. (BEAT, TO HIMSELF) Now, if her father really has any kind of proof, I'd--

SOUND:

LION GROWLS ... OUT BEHIND--

ANDY:

That's funny, I could swear that sounded like a - a lion. ... (DOUBLE TAKE) A lion?

SOUND:

LION GROWLS ... THEN IN BG--

ANDY:

(YELLS, SCARED) Oh, Miss Maguire! Help! Help!

SOUND:

LION'S ROAR UP ... THEN FADES BEHIND--

MUSIC:

A LIVELY BRIDGE

KATHY:

(APPROACHES) Well, for heaven's sake, Mr. Hale, what are you doing up there on the chandelier?

ANDY:

(OFF) Well-- (GIBBERS IN FEAR)

SOUND:

LION GROWLS

KATHY:

(TO LION) Oh, now, Herman, please. I can't play with you now. (TO ANDY) Well? Aren't ya comin' down?

ANDY:

(OFF, GIBBERS IN FEAR)

KATHY:

All right now, Herman. Run along. Shoo! Outside. You're making Mr. Hale nervous.

SOUND:

HERMAN WANDERS OFF, GROWLING

KATHY:

(TO ANDY) Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I should have warned you about Herman.

ANDY:

(APPROACHES, REGAINING COMPOSURE) Oh, I don't know why. I don't know why. He's only a man-eating lion.

KATHY:

Herman? No. He's just a playful old pussycat.

ANDY:

Does pussycat have the run of the house?

KATHY:

Well, he only came in because he thought it was time for dinner. ...

ANDY:

He was looking at me like he thought I was on the menu.

KATHY:

Why, we've had Herman ever since he was a baby. He was brought up on milk.

ANDY:

(SARDONIC) So was I, but I learned to eat meat later. ...

KATHY:

Come on, dad's out in the back.

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS THROUGH BACK DOOR AND ACROSS YARD DURING FOLLOWING--

KATHY:

Um, I suppose you consider us a little eccentric.

ANDY:

Now, what ever gave you that idea?

KATHY:

Well, we feel if animals are domesticated enough, there's no reason why they shouldn't have the run of the place.

ANDY:

Oh.

KATHY:

There's nothing peculiar in that, is there?

ANDY:

Not as long as you've got enough cages for the people. ...

KATHY:

Aw, that's silly. If you spent enough time around lions, you'd know they're just as reliable and trustworthy--

SOUND:

HERMAN GROWLS DURING ABOVE

ANDY:

Miss Maguire--?

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS OUT

KATHY:

Yes?

ANDY:

Pussycat's back.

KATHY:

(CHARMED) Ahhh. I think he likes you.

ANDY:

I'm flattered, but would you mind putting him away?

KATHY:

Now, you go on, Herman, you go 'way. I told you Mr. Hale is a very nervous fellow.

SOUND:

HERMAN MOVES OFF, GROWLING

ANDY:

I'm not at all nervous! And if you don't take me to your father, (MOVING OFF) I'll find him myself.

KATHY:

Not that way, Hale. (FADES SLIGHTLY OFF) Pop's over in the barn.

ANDY:

I hate to disturb your siesta, Dr. Maguire, but, I--

SOUND:

CHARLIE THE CHIMPANZEE GRUNTS AND HOWLS WILDLY

ANDY:

Oh, no, no, no! So long, Miss Maguire!

KATHY:

(OFF) Where are you going?

ANDY:

Back to my office! There's a gorilla in your hammock with a hat on his head and a cigar in his mouth!

KATHY:

(OFF) It certainly is not a gorilla!

ANDY:

Well, it's not your father!

KATHY:

(OFF) Charlie is a chimpanzee.

ANDY:

I'm still going back to the office. It's a very unusual place -- no lions, camels, or gorillas. Just lawyers!

KATHY:

(CLOSER) But you haven't even met Pop.

DR. MAGUIRE:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Kathy, hurry! Jenny's starting to deliver!

KATHY:

(TO ANDY) Oh, I'm afraid you're going to have to help.

ANDY:

(UNHAPPILY) Ohhhh-- Who's Jenny?

KATHY:

A mountain goat.

ANDY:

A mountain goat? With horns?

KATHY:

Small ones.

ANDY:

But horns?!

KATHY:

Only little teeny ones.

ANDY:

(FIRMLY) Good day, Miss Maguire.

KATHY:

Oh, come on, Hale. (CALLS) Be right there, Pop -- and I've got an assistant!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

ANDY AND DR. MAGUIRE'S FOOTSTEPS ACROSS YARD TO BACK DOOR DURING FOLLOWING--

DR. MAGUIRE:

Well, I'm certainly obliged, Mr. Hale. Once in a while, you know, we need help bringing these creatures into the world.

ANDY:

Oh, it's amazing, Dr. Maguire. Mountain goats. But they're - they're so tiny and - and helpless.

DR. MAGUIRE:

Just like any other infant. Well, you must be starving.

SOUND:

BACK DOOR OPENS

DR. MAGUIRE:

(CALLS) We're back, Kathy!

KATHY:

(OFF) Dinner in five minutes, Pop!

DR. MAGUIRE:

Now then, Mr. Hale. You were talking about Commodore Parker.

ANDY:

Oh, yes, I, er-- I was hoping you'd remember something that could explain this - oh, this club he holds over the Park Commission.

DR. MAGUIRE:

Oh, I suppose they've just acted out of obligation. After all, if the Commodore hadn't given the land for the zoo, there probably wouldn't--

ANDY:

The Commodore gave them the land?

DR. MAGUIRE:

Why, yes, for the zoo, the park, and the aquarium.

ANDY:

When was all this?

DR. MAGUIRE:

Oh, about Nineteen Twenty-Eight.

ANDY:

Why has it been kept a secret?

DR. MAGUIRE:

Has it?

ANDY:

Well, of course it has. Everything else Parker's ever done has his name splattered all over it. It isn't like him to let the city forget who gave them the zoo. Now, tell me, uh, who gave out the contracts for those buildings?

DR. MAGUIRE: The park commissioners -- Walsh, Thompson, and Eberle.

ANDY:

Hmm. Same board we have today.

DR. MAGUIRE:

Yes. All good Parker men.

ANDY:

Dr. Maguire, I strongly suspect political coercion in your dismissal. If my investigation bears me out, I'll be very happy to plead your case.

KATHY:

(APPROACHES, PLEASED) Oh, that's wonderful, Hale.

ANDY:

Uh, just a minute. That's only if-- (STOPS SHORT, IMPRESSED BY KATHY; UNCOMFORTABLY) Well, as I say, if my investigation bears me out.

KATHY:

(STARRY-EYED) I'm sure it will.

ANDY:

(ALSO SMITTEN) Well, I, er-- I - I hope so.

DR. MAGUIRE:

(BEAT, TO KATHY) Well, if, uh, dinner's ready, dear--

KATHY:

(IGNORES HIM, DREAMILY, TO ANDY) I certainly hope so, too.

ANDY:

Well, I-- Well, I - I sure hope so.

KATHY:

I certainly hope so, too. ...

DR. MAGUIRE:

While we're hoping, could we hope for a little dinner? ...

SOUND:

HERMAN ROARS

ANDY:

(NERVOUS) Oh. The window. Look.

KATHY:

Oh, that's Herman again. He must have heard the word "dinner."

ANDY:

Why does he keep lookin' at me? I've never fed him! ...

DR. MAGUIRE:

Well, maybe you will one of these days.

ANDY:

(GIBBERING NERVOUSLY) Oh, yeah, yeah--

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

TRUCK SLOWS TO A STOP ... ENGINE OUT ... TRUCK DOORS OPEN BEHIND--

ANDY:

Well, thanks for bringing me home, Miss Maguire.

KATHY:

If you've got a minute, Hale, I'd like to talk to you. You know, it's pretty wonderful in cynical times like these to find a man doing something purely out of principle.

ANDY:

Oh, I don't know.

KATHY:

But it's not surprising in your case -- a reformer and an orphan.

ANDY:

What's being an orphan got to do with it?

KATHY:

Oh, everything. Being an orphan raised with the other kids, having to share everything, gives you-- Well, a - a feeling for brotherhood.

ANDY:

Oh. You sure?

KATHY:

Mm hm.

ANDY:

Sure it doesn't teach you what it's like to stand in line for your food and clothes? Push and outsmart the other guy? Chisel an extra dessert, goldbrick your way out of working in the laundry? Sure it doesn't make you want to get to the top in a hurry, and not care particularly how you got there?

KATHY:

Oh, maybe some of the boys, Hale, but not you. Say, how come you've never been married?

ANDY:

Hm?

KATHY:

You know, you're not the youngest thing in town. ...

ANDY:

Do you always say the first thing that pops into your head?

KATHY:

Pretty much. Does it bother you?

ANDY:

Mmmmm, no.

KATHY:

Well, then why haven't you ever been married? You must have been around plenty -- a fellow your age. ...

ANDY:

Well, let's just say I'm a man of considerable experience.

KATHY:

Women?

ANDY:

Some.

KATHY:

Many?

ANDY:

Oh, I guess I've played the course in par.

KATHY:

Oh. Well, what were they like?

ANDY:

You know. Standard equipment. ...

KATHY:

Why haven't you ever married?

ANDY:

They were either too standard or not enough equipment. ...

KATHY:

Oh. Well, anyway, I don't mind telling you, Hale, that you have made a very good first impression.

ANDY:

Well, thanks.

KATHY:

A very, very good impression.

ANDY:

Thank you again.

KATHY:

I have an instinct for these things and I kind of feel that there's a little something cooking between us.

ANDY:

Really?

KATHY:

Mm hm.

ANDY:

Hmm.

KATHY:

And if there's something cooking between two people, even if they've just met, there shouldn't be any embarrassment or shyness. I think they should find out. Don't you?

ANDY:

Well, I've never really thought about it much.

KATHY:

(INCREASINGLY RAPID) I mean, take the average fellow who goes out with a girl. What happens? He's got to get his suit pressed, shoes shined, hair cut; got to buy flowers, dinner, movie, night club -- not to mention tips to the waiters, parking lots, et cetera, et cetera. Then he takes her home. He shakes hands, says good night. Next night, it's the same thing -- suit, shoes, flowers, et cetera, et cetera -- only this time, when he takes her home, after he shakes hands, he puts his arm around her, maybe gives her a little hug.

ANDY:

Hmmm.

KATHY:

Finally after five or six dates, he gets up enough nerve to ask for a little kiss.

ANDY:

Oh?

KATHY:

Okay, they kiss. If they like it, fine; they go on seeing each other. But what if they don't? Look at all the money he's wasted. ... What's he got to show for it? I tell you, Hale, I think it's much smarter to find out if there's anything there or not. Don't you?

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN BEHIND--

ANDY:

Well, if you'd stop talking, you could find out.

KATHY:

(VERY CASUAL) Hmm? Oh. Well, then, um, you don't mind if I kiss you?

ANDY:

Just help yourself. ... (THEY KISS) Well?

KATHY:

(PLEASED) Ohhhh. There's a little something there, all right. ... Good night, Hale.

ANDY:

Good night, Miss Maguire.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

In a moment, we'll return with Act Two of "The Reformer and the Redhead." Meanwhile, here's Libby Collins, our Hollywood reporter, with the Lux Movie News of the Week.

LIBBY:

John, I'm especially excited about Ezio Pinza's screen debut with Janet Leigh in Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's comedy with music, "Strictly Dishonorable."

ANNOUNCER:

In which Ezio Pinza sings everything from opera to popular songs.

LIBBY:

Uh huh. He makes his long-awaited screen appearance as a tempestuous opera star who's romantically outsmarted by an innocent Southern girl, played with naïve charm by Janet Leigh.

ANNOUNCER:

Janet Leigh is fast becoming one of Hollywood's finest actresses.

LIBBY:

You're so right, John. Her scenes with Ezio Pinza are a combination of comedy and romance set to a background of New York in the glittering twenties.

ANNOUNCER:

Janet Leigh's fresh youthfulness must be a perfect complement to Ezio Pinza's magnetic personality.

LIBBY:

Oh, yes. In the picture, he thinks she's been sent by a former sweetheart to compromise him, but her innocence is so refreshing that he's charmed by her.

ANNOUNCER:

It sounds as if "Strictly Dishonorable" is strictly fine entertainment.

LIBBY:

Well, indeed, it is. And Janet's costumes are an extra treat for the ladies -- especially a chiffon negligée over blue satin that would delight any June bride. And it's not extravagant to have pretty lingerie for every day because you can keep it lovely as new so long with Lux Flakes. New Lux with Color Freshener is simply marvelous at keeping colors fresher and dreamier than you ever thought possible.

ANNOUNCER:

Famous Hollywood stars like Janet Leigh insist on it for all their personal things.

LIBBY:

And no wonder. Dainty lingerie prints, delicate pastel slips and nighties, sparkle as never before. And New Lux is a positive miracle for white silks and rayons and nylons.

ANNOUNCER:

They stay dazzling white, washing after washing.

LIBBY:

Why don't you try New Lux with Color Freshener for your lingerie?

ANNOUNCER:

No other way of washing leaves colors fresher or brighter.

LIBBY:

And New Lux with Color Freshener is mild and safe as ever.

ANNOUNCER:

Get a big box tomorrow. Give your washables that fresh-as-new Lux look. Act Two of "The Reformer and the Redhead," starring June Allyson as Kathy and Dick Powell as Andrew.

MUSIC:

SECOND ACT INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Well, several days have gone by. Andrew still has not given an answer to Commodore Parker's offer to support his campaign. There are two good reasons for this. One is a redhead named Kathy Maguire, and the other is that Andrew has gone up to the state capital to check the musty files of corporation charters. Well, the musty files have proved very revealing. And now, back in Oakmont, Arthur Maxwell is on the telephone.

ARTIE:

(INTO PHONE) And he asked me to call you right away, Commodore. Y'see, Mr. Hale is still up in Sacramento, but he's come to a decision. While he's flattered by your offer of support, sir, he feels that in all good conscience he cannot accept. Sorry, Commodore. Thank you and goodbye.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER DOWN

KATHY:

(DELIGHTED, SLIGHTLY OFF) Oh, I knew it, I knew it! I knew Andrew would tell that crook where to get off.

ARTIE:

(UNHAPPY) All right, all right, Miss Maguire, come on in; you know the worst. Our boy's just given up his chance to be mayor.

KATHY:

Oh, this is a fine thing he's done; a fine and courageous thing he's done.

ARTIE:

Greatness doesn't care who wears its mantle, Miss Maguire.

KATHY:

How true. He places honor and duty above dollars and sense.

ARTIE:

That I can vouch for.

KATHY:

Well, what about his campaign?

ARTIE:

Let's not talk about the dead.

KATHY:

Oh, but he can't just give up. I couldn't have that on my conscience.

ARTIE:

We'll discuss it when he gets back.

KATHY:

But it may be too late then. We've got to do something now. Get his story to the people!

ARTIE:

Got any ideas?

KATHY:

Nope. But I will have. Maxwell, we've got to fight!

ARTIE:

Yes, ma'am.

KATHY:

(MOVING OFF) And if Andrew phones again, tell him he can count on me. I'll back him to the limit!

ARTIE:

(TO HIMSELF) I was afraid of that. (CALLS AFTER HER, POLITELY) So long, Miss Maguire!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

NEWSROOM BACKGROUND ... TYPEWRITERS, ET CETERA

KATHY:

And so I came straight to you, Tim. Why, with your newspaper experience and my--

TIM:

Kathy, be sensible, please.

KATHY:

Oh, Tim, don't be so patronizing. I'm not twelve years old. And kindly stop shaking your head at me.

TIM:

All right, then. Suppose this newspaper wanted to fight for Hale. What do we know about him? He comes from the local orphanage, he has a few doubtful groups behind him, and he says he's a hundred percent for the underdog.

KATHY:

Well, he is.

TIM:

I'm suspicious of anybody who says he's a hundred percent anything.

KATHY:

That is not the point.

TIM:

No, no. The point is, who's gonna do the work? Who's gonna put up the billboards, pass out the leaflets, ring the doorbells -- a few screwballs? Kids from the orphanage? I tell you you're just batting your head--

KATHY:

Orphanage!

TIM:

Huh?

KATHY:

Those kids! Why, they'd break their necks for Andrew Hale.

TIM:

Oh, Kathy--

KATHY:

Well, at least it's worth a try. Come on, Tim, you just gotta help.

TIM:

When I think of some of the things women have talked me into--

KATHY:

Well, I'll bet they're not bad. Come on, grab your hat, Tim. We're going to the orphanage.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

LEON:

That was Western Union, Mr. Maxwell. A telegram from Mr. Hale.

ARTIE:

(HAPPY) Well, Leon?

LEON:

He will arrive tomorrow -- Independence Day -- on the ten o'clock plane.

ARTIE:

Excellent, Leon, excellent.

LEON:

I still think we should have appraised Counsel Hale of what has transpired in his absence.

ARTIE:

He'll find out soon enough.

LEON:

He may not concur in certain commitments made in his name. For example, enlisting the services of all those juveniles from the orphanage.

ARTIE:

Yeah, but look at the job they've done. Why, there isn't a house in town that hasn't had a letter or a leaflet. They've put up posters, they've had parades--

LEON:

Yes, I know. "Orphan Andy for Mayor." I find it somewhat corny. ...

ARTIE:

It was her idea and it's great! Now, what else did he say?

LEON:

He wants a date with Miss Maguire. I should send her a dozen roses immediately. And he has some wonderful news for her father.

ARTIE:

Well, go ahead. Send the roses.

LEON:

The long red ones?

ARTIE:

The short cheap ones. ...

LEON:

Yes, sir.

ARTIE:

And, uh, get that lady lion tamer on the telephone. If Andy's coming back tomorrow, we're gonna put him right to work!

MUSIC:

QUICK TRANSITION INTO HEADLINE MONTAGE ... OUT FOR--

1ST VOICE:

Andrew Hale launches campaign at Mexican-American picnic!

MUSIC:

FANFARE ... OUT FOR--

2ND VOICE:

Italian-Americans back Hale for mayor at Garibaldi Festival!

MUSIC:

FANFARE ... OUT FOR--

3RD VOICE:

(SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT) Scandinavians pay support to Orphan Andy at smorgasbord!

MUSIC:

HEADLINE MONTAGE FINALE ... OUT FOR--

ANDY:

Well, here they are, Artie -- the facts and figures I dug up in Sacramento.

ARTIE:

(DELIGHTED) Oh, ho! Beautiful, beautiful! Have you shown these to Kathy's father?

ANDY:

When did I have a chance? But I'm going out to the ranch tonight.

ARTIE:

Why, this stuff could send Parker and company up for twenty years.

LEON:

I'm afraid I do not comprehend.

ANDY:

Oldest racket in the world, Leon. Phony corporation. Parker's the treasurer under another name, cashing checks. All the other officers are names off tombstones, dead and buried years before the charter was ever granted. The zoo and the aquarium was only their first job.

ARTIE:

Well, what are we waiting for? Go on, go on. Pick up the phone and spoil the Commodore's day.

ANDY:

Oh, I don't know that I want to pick up the phone.

ARTIE:

Er, how's that?

ANDY:

I've been doing some thinking, Artie. Maybe I don't need the Commodore. Maybe I can be elected without the machine.

ARTIE:

(STERNLY) Let's step off that cloud, shall we?

ANDY:

Now, now, now. You don't understand.

ARTIE:

I understand plenty! If you'd start listening to me instead of that jabber-happy redhead, maybe we could--!

ANDY:

Now, wait a minute, Artie.

ARTIE:

I'm sorry, sorry. Slip of the tongue. Lovely girl.

ANDY:

Mmm. ... And she's got some pretty good ideas, too. She's a very intelligent girl.

ARTIE:

Brilliant!

ANDY:

And there's nothing wrong with her platform.

ARTIE:

Uh, let's stick to politics. ...

ANDY:

Well, suppose I did get a bunch of kids free milk, summer camps, and a hospital. What's wrong with that?

ARTIE:

Nothing. Nothing, but you gotta be mayor first.

ANDY:

Well, who knows? Maybe I will be -- and on my own, without Parker and his crummy machine -- without this blackmail.

LEON:

Pardon me. Did I just hear a nasty word?

ARTIE:

(LAUGHS) Don't be silly, Leon. Let us simply say that Counsel Hale has found a way to Commodore Parker's heart.

ANDY:

And I still say that I may not need him. Like a lot of people behind me. Just lump 'em all together, put 'em up against the Parker machine, and--

ARTIE:

(BEAT) And--?

ANDY:

And-- (DISCOURAGED) Well, I'd run a poor second.

ARTIE:

(BEAT) Well?

ANDY:

(GIVES IN RELUCTANTLY) Oh, pick up the phone, Leon. I want to talk to Commodore Parker.

MUSIC:

QUICK TRANSITION TO ANOTHER HEADLINE MONTAGE ... IN BG

1ST VOICE:

Parker machine to back Hale!

3RD VOICE:

(SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT) Political leader will support Orphan Andy!

2ND VOICE:

Reform candidate wins Parker blessing!

MUSIC:

UP, FOR HEADLINE MONTAGE FINALE

SOUND:

NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND .. CRICKETS CHIRPING, ET CETERA

KATHY:

But, Andrew, it doesn't make sense. Why should Parker come out for you?

ANDY:

Oh, look, dear, I told you, it's politics. He figures he's licked and he wants to jump on the bandwagon.

KATHY:

But you know what kind of a man he is.

ANDY:

Sure. A practical politician.

KATHY:

But the people -- the voters -- the - the kids from the orphanage-- They believe in you, Andrew. And so do I.

ANDY:

Then what else matters?

KATHY:

Oh. You - you mean there's a little something still cooking?

ANDY:

Mmmm. Boiling. ... Come here. (THEY KISS)

KATHY:

(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) Thank you, Andrew. Now -- getting back to the Parker machine--

ANDY:

Oh, must we?

KATHY:

Well, it's just that he doesn't give anything away -- unless he gets something in return. Andrew, you haven't made any promises? You're not getting involved--?

ANDY:

Forget it, Kathy. Oh, incidentally, Parker told me the Park Commission has reconsidered your father's case. He's getting a letter of apology, his job back, and a raise in salary.

KATHY:

(PLEASED) Andrew! (WORRIED) Oh, but what about the stuffed animals? The ones Parker murdered?

ANDY:

Out! The Oakmont Zoo is for live exhibits exclusively. (LOW) And, uh, Kathy -- (THEY KISS) I'm boiling again. ...

KATHY:

Me, too, Andrew. (THEY KISS)

ANDY:

(SIGHS)

SOUND:

HERMAN PANTS HEAVILY

ANDY:

Don't look now, but pussycat's back. ...

KATHY:

Now, really -- you can't be afraid of Herman!

ANDY:

I can't, huh?

KATHY:

No, just turn around and tell him to go away.

ANDY:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC, TO HERMAN) Go away.

SOUND:

HERMAN GROWLS

KATHY:

Show your authority. Let him know who's master.

ANDY:

He seems to know. ...

KATHY:

Just be firm. Go on, slap his nose.

ANDY:

Do you mean with my - bare hand? ...

KATHY:

Why, sure.

ANDY:

Well-- Go away.

SOUND:

ANDY SLAPS HERMAN'S NOSE

ANDY:

Go on, beat it. Shoo, shoo!

SOUND:

HERMAN GROWLS MOVING OFF

KATHY:

There. You see?

ANDY:

Hey, how 'bout that? Herman's afraid of me.

KATHY:

(SEDUCTIVELY) He's gone, Andrew. We're alone, again.

ANDY:

Mm hmm.

KATHY:

As you were, darling.

MUSIC:

ROMANTIC BRIDGE

SOUND:

HUNT-AND-PECK TYPEWRITER ... THEN OUT WHEN OFFICE DOOR OPENS

TIM:

Oh, hello, Leon. Well, is reform candidate available for an interview?

LEON:

Counsel Hale is out, sir, campaigning. Likewise Counsel Maxwell.

TIM:

Oh. I'm sorry. Uh, you remember me, don't you, Leon?

LEON:

Oh, certainly, sir. Tim Harveigh from the Evening Express. Miss Maguire's friend. Your paper's support has been most gratifying.

TIM:

Well, thank you, Leon. Yes, Andy's gonna win this election with a plurality of at least thirty thousand votes.

LEON:

Oh, he's a wonderful, wonderful chap, Mr. Harveigh. Make a crackerjack mayor.

TIM:

And I suppose when he is mayor, they'll be taking you into the firm, eh, Leon?

LEON:

Well, I have got to pass the bar first. But the eventuality is not beyond the realm of conjecture. ...

TIM:

(MUSES) Hale and Maxwell. Yeah, they're very clever lads, bringing Parker to his knees like this. Swinging this whole deal. Just two boys.

LEON:

Three boys.

TIM:

Oh, come now, Leon. Don't tell me you had anything to do with it.

LEON:

(MILDLY OFFENDED) Whom do you think discovered that the local copies of the records were burned? I mean, why did Counsel Hale have to go to Sacramento to find them?

TIM:

Leon--? You?

LEON:

It was not J. Edgar Hoover. ...

TIM:

You know, Leon, I'm really not very bright. I never did have a lawyer's knack for putting two and two together. What records, Leon? What was Hale looking for?

LEON:

Oh, it's so simple. There's a phony corporation, see? Commodore Parker is really the treasurer-- (STOPS SHORT)

TIM:

(BEAT) Yes?

LEON:

(TROUBLED) Uh, Mr. Harveigh, maybe you'd better wait and speak to Counsel Hale. I'm not really very bright, either.

TIM:

(A LITTLE SAD) Don't worry, Leon. It won't be printed.

LEON:

(RELIEVED) Oh, gosh. Thank you, Mr. Harveigh.

TIM:

But, as you said, I'm a friend of the Maguires.

LEON:

And you will not tell Mr. Hale that I--?

TIM:

(SORROWFUL) No, no. But you've given me a rotten job to do, Leon. She's a great gal, and I've got to break her heart.

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE ... THEN UP, FOR SOLEMN BRIDGE

DR. MAGUIRE:

(OFF) Kathy? Is that you, dear?

KATHY:

I'll be up in a minute, Pop.

DR. MAGUIRE:

(OFF) Oh, that's all right, dear. I'll come down.

KATHY:

I thought you were asleep. Andrew just brought me home.

DR. MAGUIRE:

(APPROACHES) He's gone?

KATHY:

(AFFIRMATIVE) Uh huh.

DR. MAGUIRE:

(RELUCTANT) Well, Kathy, um-- Tim stopped by tonight.

KATHY:

Oh?

DR. MAGUIRE:

He, uh-- He had some rather important news, dear.

KATHY:

So have I, Pop. Look.

DR. MAGUIRE:

(MOVED) Oh, Kathy. An engagement ring. Oh, my dear. (THEY HUG)

KATHY:

Oh, Pop, I'm so happy.

DR. MAGUIRE:

Uh, Kathy--

KATHY:

Now -- what's Tim's important news?

DR. MAGUIRE:

Oh, I - I think it can wait. (STAMMERS) I'll tell you tomorrow.

KATHY:

(PUZZLED) I thought it was good news. (BEAT) It isn't, is it?

DR. MAGUIRE:

No. Tim's been struggling with his conscience all day. He finally decided he'd better tell me.

KATHY:

(BEAT) About Andrew?

DR. MAGUIRE:

Yes. Tim found out something, dear. Something he'd suspected right along.

KATHY:

Well?

DR. MAGUIRE:

Why Parker suddenly decided to make Andrew mayor of Oakmont. He had to, Kathy, because Andrew knows--

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE AND TOPS THE DIALOGUE WITH A BRIDGE ... THEN OUT

KATHY:

(HEARTBROKEN) Go on, Pop. What else did Tim tell you?

DR. MAGUIRE:

That's the whole story, Kathy. Parker is backing Andrew because he has to. It's not much better than blackmail. (BEAT) Oh, Kathy, please, dear. Don't let it hurt you. He isn't worth it.

KATHY:

But I believed in him, Pop. I - I talked to all those people and made all those promises.

DR. MAGUIRE:

You mustn't blame yourself. Just - just try to forget it.

KATHY:

(GETTING MAD) I can't forget it. I won't forget it! And neither will Andrew Hale as long as he lives!

DR. MAGUIRE:

Kathy, wait. Where are you going?

KATHY:

Well, I have a few things to say to Mr. Hale. But don't worry, Pop, I just want to see his face when I ask him what it's like being the "reform" candidate.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

In a moment, we'll return with "The Reformer and the Redhead." Meanwhile, we have two guests tonight -- the sensational dance team Marge and Gower Champion. They're featured in the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Technicolor production of "Show Boat."

MARGE:

Yes, here comes the show boat, Mr. Kennedy, with such wonderful singing stars as Kathryn Grayson, Ava Gardner, and Howard Keel.

GOWER:

Plus a big cast including Joe E. Brown as Captain Andy.

ANNOUNCER:

The press reviews raved about the picture -- and your comedy dance routines.

MARGE:

Oh, we think it has everything. Wait until you hear Kathryn Grayson and Howard Keel singing the romantic duets of Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein.

GOWER:

And as the tragic Julie, Ava Gardner gives a really unforgettable performance.

ANNOUNCER:

Producer Arthur Freed and director George Sidney are certainly to be congratulated on such a brilliant production.

GOWER:

Well, we're very grateful to them for our first acting opportunity.

MARGE:

Yes, we love playing the happy-go-lucky dance team.

ANNOUNCER:

And when it opens in July the entire country will be singing and dancing to the haunting melodies of "Show Boat." And a new generation will fall in love all over again with the romantic costumes Ava Gardner, Kathryn Grayson, and you wear.

MARGE:

Well, many of them are actually gorgeous cottons, Mr. Kennedy, and I noticed that the studio freshens them with that favorite of Broadway and Hollywood, Lux Flakes.

ANNOUNCER:

Right, Marge. New Lux with Color Freshener is the standby of leading Hollywood studios. It keeps gay prints and bright plaids sharp and clear as new. And it's a real beauty bath for all colors. Wonderful for white things, too. They stay dazzling white. Famous screen stars like Ava Gardner, Kathryn Grayson, and Marge Champion insist on New Lux for their personal wardrobes, too. Thank you for coming tonight, Marge and Gower Champion. We'll look forward to seeing you on the screen in July. And, ladies, if you'd like your washables to look as glamorous as those of your favorite screen stars this summer, get a box of New Lux with Color Freshener tomorrow. It will give your washables that fresh-as-new Lux look. (BEAT) We pause now for station identification. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MUSIC:

FOR A STATION BREAK ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

The curtain rises on Act Three of "The Reformer and the Redhead," starring June Allyson as Kathy and Dick Powell as Andrew.

MUSIC:

THIRD ACT INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

It's forty minutes later. At Andrew's apartment the buzzer is ringing wildly. Half asleep, the candidate for mayor staggers to the door.

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR OPENS

ANDY:

(SLEEPILY) Oh. Oh, hello, Kathy. (DOUBLE TAKE) Kathy?!

KATHY:

(UPSET) Here's your ring. Thanks for getting Papa's job back and I hope I never see you again.

ANDY:

Kathy? Kathy, wait. What is it? What's wrong?

KATHY:

Nothing. It all worked out beautifully. Especially for your "pal," Commodore Parker.

ANDY:

Kathy, will you please--?

KATHY:

Leon told Tim the whole story, and don't bother to deny it. You blackmailed Parker by suppressing criminal evidence.

ANDY:

Oh, dear, you don't understand.

KATHY:

I understand this much. You made fools of me, my father, those kids at the orphanage, and a bunch of wonderful people who thought you were something special. I just hope they never find out the truth.

ANDY:

Kathy, Kathy -- you've got to listen to me. All I did was make a simple political deal with Parker. If I hadn't made that deal, I wouldn't get elected.

KATHY:

Then you wouldn't get elected. But at least you'd-- (GIVES UP) Oh, I'm going home.

ANDY:

You know, if I don't get elected, your precious orphans won't get their milk and summer camps.

KATHY:

Maybe not, but you'd still have your self-respect -- and, for what it's worth, mine.

ANDY:

All right, all right, all right. Go on, go on. Blow the whole thing up. Tell Tim to print his story.

KATHY:

Don't worry. Tim won't expose you. He doesn't see any difference between any of the candidates. And neither do I.

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR SLAMS

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CROWD OF BUSINESSMEN MURMUR ... IN BACKGROUND

ANDY:

Well, if that's all for now, Commodore, I'm going back to my office.

PARKER:

Mighty fine speech you just made, Andrew. Mighty fine. Just what our businessmen want to hear.

ANDY:

This cleans up everything except for the broadcast tonight, right?

PARKER:

Right. Oh, about the broadcast, my boy. I suggest you play up the harmony angle.

ANDY:

If you don't mind, Commodore, I'll write my own speech.

PARKER:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, of course, Andrew, of course.

ANDY:

Oh, Artie? What about it? Did you reach Kathy?

ARTIE:

She's not answering the telephone.

ANDY:

What about the flowers?

ARTIE:

Sent 'em back. Oh, Andy, please. Why don't you just--?

ANDY:

Where's the phone booth? I'll call her father again. Oh, uh, give me a nickel.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

DR. MAGUIRE:

(INTO PHONE) I'm sorry, Andrew. It's all between you and Kathy. I'm afraid I can't take sides in the matter. Goodbye, Andrew.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER DOWN

DR. MAGUIRE:

Sorry, Burt. Now, what were you were saying?

BURT:

We just heard from the San Diego Zoo, doctor. They'll have a truck here at eight o'clock tonight to pick up Caesar.

SOUND:

CAESAR GROWLS AND ROARS UNHAPPILY ... CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND--

DR. MAGUIRE:

Poor old Caesar. But he'll be a different lion when he's down there with Bertha again.

BURT:

Oh, I sure hope so. I've never seen him so mean.

DR. MAGUIRE:

Just be careful when you transfer him to that truck.

BURT:

Yes, sir.

DR. MAGUIRE:

I'll stay here at the zoo until they come for him. You may need me.

BURT:

You'll miss the broadcast, doctor. That fella Hale's talkin' tonight.

DR. MAGUIRE:

Yes, I know. I'll just have to borrow a radio and listen to him here. Meantime, I'd better see if I can't quiet down Caesar.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

PARKER:

(A POMPOUS SPEECH) Citizens of Oakmont. Ladies and gentlemen of the radio audience. In a few minutes, you're going to hear from the reform candidate for mayor -- an orphan lad of humble origin, who today embodies the highest and most noble principles of pure America. (FADES OUT)

ARTIE:

Well, the Commodore's started, Andy. You'll be on in a couple of minutes. Now remember, nothing controversial.

ANDY:

(PREOCCUPIED) I know, I know.

ARTIE:

Stick to the hospitals, the free milk, the orphans, and lay it on thick! The whole town's listening. (BEAT) Hey, what's the matter with you?

ANDY:

Nothing.

ARTIE:

Oh, come on, don't give me that. Something tells me--

ANDY:

Who wants to be a knight on a white horse? Who asked her to put me up on a pedestal?

ARTIE:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ANDY:

If you're gonna be in politics, you gotta be practical. Respect. Faith. Well, it works both ways.

ARTIE:

Look. Stick to the script, will ya?

AIDE:

(URGENT) You're on in sixty seconds, Mr. Hale.

ANDY:

If a girl's in love with ya, she believes in ya.

AIDE:

Yes, sir. It's just across the hall, sir.

ANDY:

She trusts you!

AIDE:

Yes, sir.

ANDY:

Right down the line.

AIDE:

You'd better get going, Mr. Hale.

ANDY:

(ANNOYED) Well, all right!

AIDE:

Yes, sir!

PARKER:

(FADES IN, STILL SPEECHIFYING) And so, fellow citizens, in the name of better government I present my choice and yours, our next mayor, Andrew Hale.

ANDY:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a prepared speech for the broadcast. I don't think I'm going to use it. I'm going to make another speech. When I finish, you may not want me as mayor, but at least I'll be able to live with my conscience. When I entered this campaign and assumed the guise of a reformer, I did so not out of conviction, but as a mere political expedient. I had discovered that in order to win, I'd have to have the support of the Parker machine. In order to secure this support, I needed bargaining power -- a threat, a weapon of intimidation. (HAS SLOWLY CHANGED TO FILTER, FOR A RADIO LISTENER'S PERSPECTIVE) Fortunately, I uncovered some information about the Parker machine of an incriminating and, shall we say, highly embarrassing nature. [X] It concerns a fraudulent corporation charter involving the Parker gang. I deliberately withheld this information from the district attorney and in return I secured Commodore Parker's support. I assure you, ladies and gentlemen, this evidence will be in the hands of the proper authorities just as soon as it can. Well, I guess that's all I have to say except that, if tomorrow you still care to elect me mayor of Oakmont, I promise I shall live up to every pledge that has been issued in my name.

NOTE:

THE REST OF THE SCENE OVERLAPS THE ABOVE SPEECH STARTING AT [X]

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

DR. MAGUIRE:

Oh, for heaven's sake.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

DR. MAGUIRE:

Hello?

KATHY:

(FILTER) Pop! Pop, the radio -- Andrew! He's telling the truth about--

DR. MAGUIRE:

Yes, dear, I know and I'd like to hear what else he has to say.

KATHY:

(FILTER) Oh, me, too, Pop. Oh, I knew he wouldn't let us down. Isn't he wonderful?

DR. MAGUIRE:

Well, yes.

BURT:

(APPROACHES, URGENT) Doc! Doc, quick! It's Caesar! He's loose!

DR. MAGUIRE:

Yes, dear, he's wonderful. I'll call you back, later.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

DR. MAGUIRE:

Burt, what did you say?

BURT:

Oh, Caesar -- he broke out of his cage. He's loose!

DR. MAGUIRE:

Where?

BURT:

I don't know. He jumped the wall and ran across the park.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER UP ... PHONE CRADLE RATTLES

DR. MAGUIRE:

Hello? Hello? Get me the police!

MUSIC:

AGITATED BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

RING-RING-RING-RING OF BELL TO ALERT POLICE CARS VIA RADIO

DISPATCHER:

Attention, all police cars. Attention, all police cars. Head for Stillwater Park district. A lion has escaped from the zoo. Extreme caution. Shoot on sight. This lion is dangerous.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR BRIDGE

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

KATHY:

Hello?

DR. MAGUIRE:

(FILTER) Kathy? Now, listen to me very carefully. He's escaped.

KATHY:

Oh, yes, I know, Pop. At last Andrew is out of the clutches of Commodore Parker. ...

DR. MAGUIRE:

(FILTER) I'm talking about Caesar. He got out of his cage.

KATHY:

Caesar?

DR. MAGUIRE:

(FILTER) The police have orders to shoot him on sight. But we may be able to save him. Put Herman in the truck.

KATHY:

Herman?

DR. MAGUIRE:

(FILTER) Yes. Drive around the neighborhood of the park. If you should see him, try to coax him into the truck with Herman. Now, don't worry. There'll be dozens of us looking for him, but for heaven's sake, be careful.

KATHY:

Okay, Pop, I'm on my way.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

KATHY:

Herman? Herman, come here. Come on, Herman. We've got to find Caesar.

SOUND:

HERMAN'S FRIENDLY GROWLING

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

ARTIE:

Well, it was a nice campaign while it lasted, Andy. One more day and you would have been mayor.

ANDY:

Sorry, Artie, but I had to do it.

ARTIE:

The Commodore fainted in the control room. How do you feel?

ANDY:

Like I just took a nice clean bath.

ARTIE:

Well, where do we go now? To Kathy's?

ANDY:

No, no.

ARTIE:

But I thought you phoned her.

ANDY:

I did. She wasn't home. The maid said her lion ran away. Let's give her a hand, Artie.

ARTIE:

Okay, sure. We'll-- (DOUBLE TAKE) A lion?! ...

ANDY:

Oh, you know Herman. Just a big house pet.

ARTIE:

Why couldn't they keep canaries? ... Would you mind telling me how you go about lookin' for a lion?

ANDY:

Well, chances are, he's lonesome for his brothers and sisters.

ARTIE:

Yeah?

ANDY:

I think if I were Herman, I'd head for the zoo.

ARTIE:

The zoo, huh? Well, then you'd better turn on Grant Street.

ANDY:

Yeah, Grant Street. Takes us right to the Park.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN TELETYPE BACKGROUND

DISPATCHER:

Attention, all police cars. Escaped lion last seen in the vicinity of Grant Street. Advise all residents to keep off the streets. I will repeat. Escaped lion last seen in vicinity of Grant Street. Shoot to kill.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

SOUND:

RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

ARTIE:

And tomorrow morning we'd better start finding out what it's like to earn an honest living again.

ANDY:

Oh, Artie, forget it for a while, will you? All I want to do is just-- Hey. There he is. There's Herman.

ARTIE:

Huh?

ANDY:

Over there. That vacant lot, with the trees.

SOUND:

AUTO SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS ... CAESAR GROWLS OFF

ARTIE:

(NERVOUS) Holy smoke. Some house pet.

ANDY:

Just a big pussy cat. Eats out of your hand.

ARTIE:

Yeah, right up to the elbow. ... What do you think you're gonna do?

ANDY:

Get him to come in the car, of course.

ARTIE:

Look, let's get out of here, Andy. Maybe if we phoned--

ANDY:

(DISMISSIVE) Oh, he's scared of his own shadow.

ARTIE:

I'm scared of it, too! ...

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPENS

ANDY:

Well, I may as well get him.

SOUND:

CAESAR GROWLS AND PANTS HEAVILY ... CONTINUES IN BG, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

ANDY:

Now, calm down, will ya, Herman?

ARTIE:

Look, I got news for ya. If he's gettin' in this car, I'm gettin' out.

ANDY:

Here he comes. All right, Herman, all right. Now, come on. Come on, get in the car. (BEAT) You heard me, get in there. (BEAT) Now, look, let's not make a federal case out of this. I told you to get in the car! (BEAT) Well, that's more like it. Now, if you'll just get-- (BEAT) Artie? (NO ANSWER) Hey, Artie, where are you?

ARTIE:

(OFF, HOARSELY) Sshhh! Shut up, will ya? I'm tryin' to climb a tree. ...

ANDY:

What's the matter? You yellow or something?

ARTIE:

(OFF) Yellow? If I had wheels, I'd be a taxicab. ... Meantime-- Meantime, I'm gonna start lookin' for one.

ANDY:

Okay, go ahead. I'll see you out at the ranch.

SOUND:

CAR DOOR CLOSES

ANDY:

(TO CAESAR) Hmm. Imagine being afraid of you.

SOUND:

CAESAR GROWLS AND PANTS A LITTLE LOUDER ... CONTINUES IN BG

ANDY:

Oh, quiet, quiet. You're not so tough. Well, we may as well head for the ranch, Herman.

SOUND:

AUTO ENGINE STARTS

ANDY:

And take it easy on those seat covers. I've only got fifty-dollar deductible. (BEAT, AS CAESAR GROWLS) And for Pete's sake, shut up.

SOUND:

CAR DRIVES AWAY ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND (CRICKETS, ET CETERA)

ARTIE:

(RELIEVED) Kathy! Oh, Kathy, how do you like this? Here I am lookin' for a lift and you come along.

KATHY:

Jump in, Artie, but hurry up. There's not much time.

SOUND:

KATHY'S TRUCK STARTS ... RUNNING TRUCK INTERIOR BACKGROUND

ARTIE:

Not much time?

KATHY:

What are you doing out here?

ARTIE:

Well, I just left Andy about five minutes ago. He's taking your lion home.

KATHY:

He's what?

ARTIE:

Yeah, he found Herman. He's taking him home.

KATHY:

(WORRIED) Oh, no.

SOUND:

HERMAN GROWLS

ARTIE:

Who's that back there?

KATHY:

Herman.

ARTIE:

(GOOFY NERVOUS LAUGH) How could that be Herman? I just told you that Andy-- (BEAT, PUZZLED) That's Herman?

KATHY:

Andy's got Caesar.

ARTIE:

Who's Caesar?

KATHY:

He's a killer. He escaped from the zoo. Oh, we've got to find Andy before it's too late!

SOUND:

HERMAN GROWLS LOUDLY

ARTIE:

Who's he rootin' for?

KATHY:

Artie, please. Just tell me which way Andy went.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN CAESAR GROWLING

ANDY:

(ANNOYED) Oh, now look, Herman. I told you a dozen times, we're not gonna go another inch until you start showing a little more cooperation.

SOUND:

CAESAR GROWLS LOUDLY ... THEN PANTS LOUDLY AND HEAVILY IN BG

ANDY: Oh, cut that out! (BEAT) Who are you trying to impress? And keep your big mitts off me. ... Once more, and you're gonna get out and walk. (BEAT, AS CAESAR BREATHES HEAVILY) You know, Herman, you ought to see your dentist. ...

KATHY:

(OFF, URGENT) Andy!

ARTIE:

(OFF) Andy!

KATHY:

(OFF) Andy!

ARTIE:

(OFF) Andy!

ANDY:

(CHEERFUL) Oh, hi! Hi! Hi, Kathy, Artie! Hey! Hey, I got Herman.

KATHY:

(OFF) Now, don't move, Andrew. Don't make a move.

ARTIE:

(OFF) Andy, boy! Andy, you got the wrong lion!

ANDY:

(CONFUSED) What?! What did you--?

KATHY:

(OFF) Andrew-- Oh, darling-- I've got Herman. He's in the back of the truck.

ANDY:

Well-- Well, if that's Herman, who's this?

KATHY:

(OFF) That's Caesar. He just escaped from the zoo. Oh, they'll be here any second -- Pop and the police.

ANDY:

(STAMMERS) The police? What for?

ARTIE:

(OFF) Andy-- Andy, you're sittin' next to a killer, pal.

ANDY:

(STAMMERS) A killer?

KATHY:

(OFF) Oh, yes. He's very vicious.

ANDY:

Oh, but that's silly. I just whacked his nose to show him who's-- ... (TERRIFIED) Oh, Kathy-- Oooh, what am I gonna do?

KATHY:

(OFF) It's all right, darling. Please -- just stay where you are. They're coming now.

SOUND:

MURMUR OF ARRIVING CROWD

DR. MAGUIRE:

(OFF) No! No, don't shoot! I think I can handle him!

SOUND:

CAESAR GROWLS QUIETLY ... CONTINUES IN BG, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

DR. MAGUIRE:

(CLOSER, GENTLY) Now, nobody say a word. Don't anyone move. Come on, Caesar, come on. No trouble at all. Come on. Down. (CALLS) Burt, open the back of the truck. We'll put him in with Herman.

SOUND:

TRUCK GATE OPENS

DR. MAGUIRE:

Ahhhh, come on, Caesar. Steady now, steady. That's a good boy. It's Herman, see? You like Herman. Go on in and keep Herman company. That's it, boy. Into the truck.

SOUND:

TRUCK GATE CLOSES ... CAESAR ROARS LOUDLY

DR. MAGUIRE:

(CALLS, TO POLICE) All right, boys, he's in. Thanks a lot. I'll take it from here. (TO KATHY) Better let me drive the truck, Kathy. You go on to the ranch with Andrew.

KATHY:

Do you mind, Andrew? We can drive out to the ranch and--

ANDY:

(WEAKLY) Well, Kathy, I - I-- (SWOONS) Ohhhhhh--

SOUND:

ANDY COLLAPSES TO GROUND

KATHY:

Andrew! Oh, Artie, look -- he fainted.

ARTIE:

(GOOFY NERVOUS LAUGH) Yeah, I wonder whyyyyyyyy-- (FAINTS)

SOUND:

ARTIE COLLAPSES TO GROUND

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND (CRICKETS, ET CETERA)

KATHY:

Feeling better, Andrew?

ANDY:

Oh, yes, yes, much. Where's Herman?

KATHY:

Oh, he's around somewhere. That was a very courageous thing you did.

ANDY:

I thought it was Herman. When I think of what I--

KATHY:

No, I'm not talking about Herman. The broadcast -- it was wonderful.

ANDY:

Oh. Well, I guess that's the end of that.

MUSIC:

WARM ... SNEAKS IN BEHIND--

KATHY:

I don't think so, Andrew. A lot of people heard that speech. I wouldn't worry, darling.

ANDY:

Aw, who's worrying? (LOVINGLY) Closer, Kathy. Closer, dear.

KATHY:

You mean there's a little something still cooking?

ANDY:

(DEFINITELY YES) Mm hmm.

KATHY:

Close your eyes then.

ANDY:

They're closed.

KATHY:

Pucker up.

ANDY:

I'm puckered, honey.

SOUND:

A BIG SLOPPY CARTOONISH SMACK ON THE LIPS

ANDY:

(PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Mmmmm. (CHUCKLES WARMLY) ...

KATHY:

(LOVINGLY) Andrew, look. He kissed you! Herman kissed you!

SOUND:

HERMAN GROWLS HAPPILY

ANDY:

Oh, for heaven's sake! ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

LIBBY:

Mr. Keighley will be back in a moment with news about next season. Now that vacation time has rolled around for THE LUX RADIO THEATRE, I'm heading for a summer resort -- a wonderful month of golf, tennis, swimming, and just plain loafing. Of course, I've been shopping like mad for clothes. I got the most dreamy dinner dress for informal evenings, very much like one I saw Ruth Hussey wearing the other day. It's cotton, but looks like brocade with a bright red-and-blue Oriental design overlaid with gold paint. And it washes beautifully in New Lux. New Lux with Color Freshener is the care Ruth Hussey insists on for hers, too. It makes colors fairly sing, keeps prints sharp and clear. Whites stay dazzling white each time you wash them. And it's mild and safe as ever. Why not get a big box of New Lux with Color Freshener tomorrow and give your washables that nice-as-new Lux look all summer long? And now here's John Kennedy with our stars.

ANNOUNCER:

And here they are, coming forward for the last curtain call of the season after a wonderful performance, June Allyson and Dick Powell.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Dick, it was a little startling to find you playing a romantic comedian instead of a daring detective.

POWELL:

Well, I enjoyed the change, John, because I've just finished playing a police inspector for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer in "Tall Target," a detective who accidentally discovers a plot to assassinate Abraham Lincoln. Oh, and incidentally, the character I play is, uh-- is named John Kennedy.

ANNOUNCER:

Well! I appreciate the compliment. But I'd rather sell Lux Flakes than chase criminals. It's much safer.

ALLYSON:

You're right there, John. Lux Flakes are the safest care I know of for nice things.

POWELL:

Say, what happens to the Lux at our house? Sure disappears fast.

ALLYSON:

Oh, a fine detective you are. Two small children can make plenty of Lux Flakes disappear.

ANNOUNCER:

Did you take Pamela and little Richard with you on your recent trip to New York?

ALLYSON:

No, this was our first time East together in five years and we wanted to see all of the new Broadway plays.

POWELL:

But we couldn't resist a few picture shows, too. "The Great Caruso" 's breaking all records, you know, John.

ALLYSON:

Yes, I want to get Mario Lanza's records of those wonderful arias. The picture's just filled with songs and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer made a wonderful choice of Ann Blyth as Mrs. Caruso.

ANNOUNCER:

Sounds like a wonderful production for THE LUX RADIO THEATRE.

POWELL:

What are your plans for next season, John? Do you have anything definite lined up?

ANNOUNCER:

Well, I think I'll leave that for Bill Keighley to tell you. It's more in his province.

ALLYSON:

Well, we'll certainly look forward to your next season. We're devoted fans of LUX RADIO THEATRE. Good night.

POWELL:

Good night.

ANNOUNCER:

Good night. We'll see you all next fall.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

And now here's Mr. Keighley with news about our coming eighteenth season on the air.

HOST:

Yes, the time has come to say goodbye for the summer. But we've already made great plans for the fall. We hope to bring you the most successful season THE LUX RADIO THEATRE has ever had. And for our opening show on August twenty-seventh we have chosen one of the most impressive pictures of this season, "The Mudlark." And starring in her original role in this Twentieth Century-Fox production will be that lovely lady of the screen, Irene Dunne. Perhaps you recall that "The Mudlark" was the command performance last year for the royal family of England and while I'm in London I'm going to take special note of the historic places where the picture was actually filmed so that I can give you a firsthand account when we meet again.

MUSIC:

THEME ... CONTINUES BEHIND HOST--

HOST:

Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Flakes, join me in inviting you to be with us again on August twenty-seventh, when THE LUX RADIO THEATRE will begin its eighteenth season on the air by presenting Irene Dunne in "The Mudlark." This is William Keighley bidding you good night.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Like nine out of ten screen stars, Susan Hayward is a Lux girl. When you see Susan and Gregory Peck in Darryl F. Zanuck's Technicolor production of "David and Bathsheba," notice the smooth perfection of her skin, a complexion that's really Lux lovely. And she's especially thrilled with the generous big bath-size Lux soap. "This fragrant satin-smooth cake makes my daily beauty bath more delightful than ever," she says. Lux Soap has Active Lather that's creamy and abundant even in hardest water. Screen stars love Lux Soap's exquisite perfume, too. It's a light, flower-like fragrance; a blend of many costly ingredients. Why don't you try Lux in the big bath size? After a Lux Soap beauty bath, your skin is fresh, sweet, Lux lovely. Get a supply tomorrow.

MUSIC:

THEME ... TILL END

ANNOUNCER:

We wish to congratulate one of our very best neighbors on a memorable occasion. On July first, Canada will celebrate its eighty-fourth national birthday. Canada and the United States have lived in peace and friendship for many years and so we're especially happy to congratulate her.

Heard in our cast tonight were Wally Maher as Arthur, Alan Reed as Parker, Herbert Butterfield as Maguire, Jack Kruschen as Leon, and Bill Johnstone, Dan Riss, Howard McNear, Norman Field, George Neise, and Eddie Marr. Our play was adapted by S. H. Barnett and our music was directed by Rudy Schrager. This is your announcer, John Milton Kennedy, reminding you to join us again next August twenty-seventh when THE LUX RADIO THEATRE will open its eighteenth season on the air starring Irene Dunne in "The Mudlark." Mr. Keighley is now in London and due to circumstances beyond our control, his portion of tonight's broadcast came to you by recording. Stay tuned for "My Friend Irma," which follows over these same stations.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... TILL END

ANNOUNCER:

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.