ANNOUNCER:

It's new! It's amazing! It's Prell! P-R-E-L-L -- Procter and Gamble's new Radiant-Creme Shampoo in the handy tube!

MUSIC:

FANFARE

ANNOUNCER:

Prell brings you THE LIFE OF RILEY.

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Prell -- the shampoo that removes unsightly dandruff in as little as three minutes and leaves hair radiantly clean, radiantly lovely -- presents THE LIFE OF RILEY, with William Bendix as Riley.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

ROMANTIC INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Well, today all hearts that pulse to romance are celebrating St. Valentine's Day and that includes Chester A. Riley's big, roomy heart. And now let's peek inside of Riley's big, roomy head.

RILEY:

(RECITES, WITH UNUSUAL DELICACY)
This is the day of St. Valentine,
A day for love and romance,
When Cupid's darts
Pierce millions of hearts,
But I got one in the pants.

MUSIC:

ACCENT ... HORN BLUR AND DRUM THUMP!

ANNOUNCER:

And why does Riley have this bitter attitude? Well, it all started yesterday.

SOUND:

PEG & RILEY'S HURRIED STEPS ON SIDEWALK

RILEY:

Now, hurry up, Dumplin' -- let's get home. I'm starved!

PEG:

Now wait a minute! I gotta stop in here and get some lamb chops.

RILEY:

Yeah. Well, hey -- what are you going into Brown's for? You always shop at Pringle's.

PEG:

Well, yes, I know, but -- I'm so embarrassed every time I go in there. We owe Mr. Pringle eighteen dollars.

RILEY:

What? Eighteen dollars? Peg, why don't you pay the man his money?

PEG:

Well, why don't you give me the money? ...

RILEY:

Why drag money into this? ... We're talking about lamb chops.

PEG:

Oh, Riley, we'll have to do somethin' about that bill. It's two months old.

RILEY:

Oh, so what? Has he asked you for the money?

PEG:

Well, no.

RILEY:

Good, then we can still give him the business. ... After all, he's my lodge brother and he promised to vote for me for president.

PEG:

(UNHAPPY) I - I'd rather go to Brown's.

RILEY:

No, no -- that will be double-crossing Pringle. Wait till after I'm elected, then I can double-cross him. ...

PEG:

All right, but-- I really don't like the way that man treats his customers. Why, you'd think we were gettin' the stuff for nothin'.

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES) This month, we are. ... Ah, here's the store.

PEG:

(PUZZLED) Well, are - aren't you comin' in?

RILEY:

Er, no. No, I'll stay out here. If he asks you for the money we owe him, you can say that I'm out of town.

PEG:

Well, all right. Wait here for me.

RILEY:

Yeah.

SOUND:

PEG'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS AS SHE ENTERS STORE

PEG:

Ah, hello, Mr. Pringle.

PRINGLE:

Hello, Mrs. Riley. What can I do for you?

PEG:

Well, I want some lamb chops, but first I need some vegetables. (MUSES) I'll take a bunch of celery and, uh, some carrots. Uh, now let's see. These tomatoes don't look--

PRINGLE:

(INTERRUPTS, HARSH) Please, Mrs. Riley, don't squeeze the tomatoes! ...

PEG:

But, Mr. Pringle, I wasn't squeezin', I was just--

PRINGLE:

I know, I know, you just wanted to see if they're soft.

PEG:

But I only--

PRINGLE:

Believe me, they're soft. ... You know why? Because every woman who comes in here squeezes 'em! ...

PEG:

Now, listen, Mr. Pringle--

PRINGLE:

You're like that Mrs. Gillis who lives next door to ya. She ain't only a tomato-squeezer, she's a grape-snatcher! ...

PEG:

(INDIGNANT) What Mrs. Gillis does has nothing to do with me.

PRINGLE:

(DISMISSIVE) Ah, you're all alike.

PEG:

I did not touch your tomatoes, Mr. Pringle!

PRINGLE:

All right, all right! I'm not Dick Tracy, so I can't prove your fingerprints are there.

PEG:

I did not touch your tomatoes!

PRINGLE:

Okay, okay, you didn't touch the tomatoes! I'm not calling you a liar!

PEG:

(UPSET) What?! You have the nerve to stand there and call me a--?!

SOUND:

PEG'S STEPS AWAY TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

PRINGLE:

(PROTESTS) I didn't call you a--

PEG:

(OFF) Riley! Riley, come in here!

RILEY:

(LOW) Peg, quiet! I'm out of town! ...

PEG:

(OFF) You come in here!

RILEY:

Huh? Oh. Okay.

SOUND:

PEG & RILEY'S STEPS INTO STORE ... DOOR SHUTS

PEG:

Riley, I was just insulted by Mr. Pringle.

RILEY:

You were insulted?

PEG:

Well, don't just stand there, say somethin'!

RILEY:

Er-- (BEAT, FRIENDLY) Hi, Brother Pringle. ...

PRINGLE:

Hi.

RILEY:

Speaking of the election at our lodge--

PEG:

Riley, did you hear me? This man deliberately called me a--

PRINGLE:

I didn't insult ya, Mrs. Riley. I just said--!

RILEY:

(INTERRUPTS) Now, wait, wait, wait. What's the sense of fightin'? I'm sure we can settle this friendly like. What's the trouble, Peg?

PEG:

He accused me of squeezing the tomatoes and I told him--

RILEY:

(UP BIG) Wait a minute! Did you accuse my wife of squeezing the tomatoes?!

PRINGLE:

Yes!

RILEY:

(DOWN SMALL) Peg, you shouldn't have squeezed the tomatoes. ...

PEG:

Chester Riley! Are you gonna stand there--?

RILEY:

Be reasonable, Peg. After all, if you were a tomato, you wouldn't like me to squeeze you. ... Of course, you're not a tomato, so you like it. Now, why can't we all be friends and--?

PEG:

(EXASPERATED) Well, of all the--!

SOUND:

PEG STORMS OUT THE DOOR, WHICH SHUTS BEHIND HER

RILEY:

Now, Peg, wait! Hey, Peg, wait for me!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

RILEY:

But, Peg, be reasonable. After all, Pringle is my lodge brother--

PEG:

I don't wanna hear any more of your excuses. All I know is, the man insulted your wife and you just stood there.

RILEY:

Well, what did you expect me to do, punch him in the nose? What would that accomplish? You'd only have had to carry me home. ... I mean, fightin' don't get you anywhere, Peg.

PEG:

Well, you had no right to take his side against me.

RILEY:

I don't like no fight. What I done was right. "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt you." ...

JUNIOR:

Hi, Pop. Hiya, Mom.

PEG:

Now see here, Riley--

RILEY:

Well, we'll leave it up to Junior. Junior, suppose a very good friend of yours insulted your mother. What would you do?

JUNIOR:

Oh, I'd punch him right in the nose.

RILEY:

(BEAT) Who asked you? ...

PEG:

Well, next time I go shoppin', I'll take Junior.

RILEY:

I still say I done the right thing.

BABS:

Mother, is dinner ready?

PEG:

Yes, dear, it's on the table.

RILEY:

Well, all I see is a dish of beans. Where's dinner?

PEG:

That's it. ...

RILEY:

Beans? You expect me to eat beans? I gotta have vitamins! Remember, I'm a growin' man!

PEG:

Oh, sit down and eat. Beans won't kill ya.

RILEY:

No! Never mind me, I can take it. But what about the kids? (TO THE KIDS) Babs, Junior -- are you satisfied to eat beans for supper?

JUNIOR:

Sure.

BABS:

It's okay with me.

RILEY:

(BEAT) Who asked you? ... Now, listen, Peg, I work hard all day and I gotta have meat to give me blood. If you don't care for me, at least have a little consideration for my corp-suckles! ... What happened to the lamb chops?

PEG:

They're still at Pringle's, thanks to you.

RILEY:

Now, don't try to put the blame on me. You - you gotta feed me proper; that's your job, sweetie.

PEG:

(FURIOUS) Now just a minute, Mr. Riley--!

RILEY:

I'm the provider in this house and you owe it to me! You owe me plenty! And if I don't get a good substantial dinner tonight, you know what I'll do?!

PEG:

What?!

RILEY:

(TAKEN ABACK) I'll-- I'll--

JUNIOR:

(HELPFULLY) You'll go without eating?

RILEY:

(BEAT, KNOWS HE'S RIGHT, MISERABLE) Who asked you? ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

DINER BACKGROUND ... DINER DOOR OPENS, OFF

GILLIS:

Hey, Riley! Riley! Over here at the counter!

RILEY:

(OFF) What? Oh! (CLOSER) Oh, hello, Gillis. You're eatin' out tonight?

GILLIS:

Yeah. You, too?

RILEY:

(EMBARRASSED) Yeah.

GILLIS:

How come?

RILEY:

Eh, had a little argument with the missus. Imagine! I come home starvin' -- she offers me beans for supper. Boy, I sure told her off. You know what I said?

GILLIS:

How should I know? I ain't the kind of a guy goes around snoopin' on his next door neighbor.

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES) Boy, I gave it to her good.

GILLIS:

You were right. She ought to have more consideration for your corp-suckles. ...

RILEY:

Gillis, you heard.

GILLIS:

Well, yeah, but only because your argument was almost word-for-word like the one I was having with my missus.

RILEY:

No kiddin'? Honeybee give you beans, too?

GILLIS:

Yeah! Tried to blame it on Pringle the grocer.

RILEY:

Yeah, so did my Peg.

GILLIS:

How about that? All them married women got a single mind! Always trying to take advantage of us.

RILEY:

Yeah, and we're the guys they owe the most to.

GILLIS:

Beans we get for supper! That's marriage?! Who needs it?! I had two dollars burning a hole in my pocket, so I had to go spend it for a marriage license! ... Should have listened to my bookie and put the two bucks on a horse! ... That nag would have paid off. ... Well, let's order. Come on, ain't you gonna sit down?

RILEY:

(RELUCTANT) Well, I don't know, Gillis. I never walked out on Peg like this. I was thinkin' maybe--

GILLIS:

Riley, if you go crawling back to her now, you're sunk. Every time you'll have a little tiff with her and she don't feel like making supper -- bingo -- you get beans.

RILEY:

Yeah, I know, Gillis, but what can I do?

GILLIS:

Why be a bean bag? ... Do what our wives is doin'. They went on strike -- we gotta strike.

RILEY:

Strike?

GILLIS:

Yeah! Strike with a hot iron! Get tough with 'em! No more of this here lovey-dovey sweetheart business.

RILEY:

Yeah! No more sweethearts! We won't even be friends! Just plain husband and wife! ... And Saturday-- Saturday, they ain't even gettin' no valentines from us!

GILLIS:

That's a deal!

RILEY:

Shake!

GILLIS:

Shake! We'll teach them to give us beans for supper, the ungrates.

RILEY:

Oh, here's the waiter. Let's eat.

WAITER:

Well, gents, what'll it be?

RILEY:

Well, let's see the menu. (READS) Chicken, pork chops, sirloin steak, er-- (BEAT, ENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, this sounds good! Give me a plate of beans!

GILLIS:

Make that two! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... RILEY'S STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES

BABS:

Who's that? Oh, it's you, Daddy.

RILEY:

Hello, Babs.

BABS:

Hello.

RILEY:

Hello, Junior.

JUNIOR:

Hi, Pop.

RILEY:

(CAREFULLY) Er-- Hello, Peg. (NO RESPONSE) Peg, I said hello. (NO RESPONSE) Peg?

SOUND:

PEG TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS AWAY

RILEY:

Now look here, Peg. When I say--

SOUND:

PEG TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS AWAY

RILEY:

Peg, don't walk away when I'm talkin' to you.

SOUND:

PEG TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS AWAY

RILEY:

Now listen, Peg--

SOUND:

PEG TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS AWAY

RILEY:

Peg, stop it! You're my wife, not the Walkin' Man! ... Look-- (VERY FIRM) Okay, if that's the way you want it, I ain't gonna beg ya! You don't want to talk to me, okay! Two can play at that game! Don't talk! (BEAT, VERY WIMPY) Peg, talk to me. ...

PEG:

(COOL) Babs, uh, would you hand me that cushion over there, please?

BABS:

Oh. Here, Mother.

RILEY:

(DEFIANT) Oh! Oh, you're going to ignore me, huh? Well, two can play at that game! I'll ignore you! I can be just as ig-nor-ant as you! ... If not more! Heh! (SINGS) "Happy days are here again--" (FADES OUT WEAKLY, BEAT, DESPERATE, TEARFUL) Peg, talk to me! ...

PEG:

(EXPLODES) Well! Aren't you the brazen one?! After the way you put on at the supper table tonight, ya expect me to pass it off as if nothin' happened! (TEARFUL, MOVING OFF) Well, it'll be a long time before I talk to you!

SOUND:

INNER DOOR SLAMS AS PEG EXITS THE ROOM

RILEY:

(PLEASED) Hah! I made her talk. ... (SADLY) But I didn't like what she said. ... She said she'll never talk to me again.

BABS:

Well, Mother's sensitive. But she'll get over it. Maybe you ought to apologize.

RILEY:

Well, yeah, only she won't listen to me.

JUNIOR:

Hey, Pop, maybe-- Maybe ya oughta send Mom a swell valentine. That'd square things.

RILEY:

(THOUGHTFUL) Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I could find a special valentine-- (DECISIVE) I'll do it! Gillis can't run my life!

BABS:

What's Mr. Gillis got to do with it?

RILEY:

(EMBARRASSED) Well, you see, we - we made a pact.

BABS:

A pact?

RILEY:

Yeah, you know, like diplomats make. Only I promised I wouldn't-- (DECISIVE AGAIN) But I don't care! If I can make a pact like a diplomat, I can break it like a diplomat! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

SHOP DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ... RILEY'S STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--

WITHERSPOON:

Oh, good evening, Mr. Riley.

RILEY:

Oh, hello, Mr. Witherspoon. Say, I'm in the market for a Valentine card.

WITHERSPOON:

Well, we've got a nice line of cards this year. Right over here. Something for your wife? Or would you like something more expensive? ...

RILEY:

No. No, it's for my wife. I want something really gorgeous. Money's no object.

WITHERSPOON:

Well, here's a fine card. Fifteen cents.

RILEY:

(BEAT) Ain't that a little high? ... Uh, let's see that. No, no, that's the usual stuff. I want something special. (RELUCTANT) You - you see, we - we had a little tiff and--

WITHERSPOON:

Ah, I see. I think I have just the card for you. Wonderful for patching up a spat. Some customers buy one a week regularly. (SEARCHING) Er, now let's see, where is it now--?

RILEY:

Well, if ya can't find it, maybe you got something else, Mr. Witherspoon.

WITHERSPOON:

Oh, this card'll be just what you want. Let me see, it goes-- Oh, yes.
(RECITES, FRUITILY)
We quarreled, loving spouse of mine.
Forgive me, I was wrong.
So won't you be my valentine
And recapture love's sweet song?

RILEY:

(BEAT) ... (DEEPLY MOVED) Oh, that's byoo-tiful. ... You - you've got to find it.

WITHERSPOON:

Oh, I'll find it. It was the last one in stock. I had it here a moment ago. Oh, I remember now. I was showing it to another customer. Oh, there he is! In the phone booth!

SOUND:

RILEY'S STEPS TO PHONE BOOTH BEHIND--

RILEY:

Oh? Well, I gotta have that card! I'll buy it from him!

SOUND:

PHONE BOOTH DOOR OPENS

RILEY:

Pardon me, sir. That valentine-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Hey. Huh. Gillis! (BEAT) Is this the way you keep a pact?

GILLIS:

(BEAT) Is this the way you keep a pact?

RILEY:

I asked you first. ... Sendin' your wife a valentine, you - you traitor.

GILLIS:

Well - well - well - well, sure! I come in to get her a valentine, but, er-- not a mushy one! One of them nasty comic ones!

RILEY:

Oh, yeah? What about that valentine you got in your hand there?

GILLIS:

Oh, er, er, this?

RILEY:

Yeah, look what it says: "lovin' spouse of mine"! Heh! Well?!

GILLIS:

Er-- I'm sendin' this to a friend's wife! I'm a rat. ...

RILEY:

(GENUINELY) Oh, I apologize.

GILLIS:

What about you, Riley? You wanted this here mushy card, didn't ya?

RILEY:

Well, er, er--

GILLIS:

You're gonna go crawling to Peg, ya coward!

RILEY:

(DEFIANT) Yeah--? Well, who's crawlin'?! I'll show you! (CALLS) Witherspoon? Let me see your nastiest valentines!

WITHERSPOON:

Here they are! I like to keep them handy. There's more demand for this kind.

RILEY:

(RELUCTANT) Oh. Well, go on, Gillis. Pick yours.

GILLIS:

(THE SAME) Er, pick yours.

WITHERSPOON:

(CHUCKLES) Now here's a very witty card, gentlemen. Listen--
(READS)
"You've got the head of a withered cabbage
And the eyes of a lumpy potato;
And though you get on your knees,
I wouldn't give you a squeeze 'Cause you're only an old tomato." ...
(CHUCKLES) Oh, that's delightful, isn't it?

RILEY:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Yeah, very funny.

GILLIS:

(THE SAME) Yeah, it's a scream.

WITHERSPOON:

Well, here you are, gentlemen -- one for each of you. That'll be ten cents.

RILEY:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Thanks.

GILLIS:

(THE SAME) Yeah, thanks.

RILEY:

Well, I - I'll mail this when I get home.

GILLIS:

Oh, yeah - yeah. Me, too.

WITHERSPOON:

Oh, there's a mailbox right outside the store.

RILEY:

(BEAT, MELODRAMATIC) Trapped! ...

GILLIS:

Ah, what are we worrying about, Riley? This is one of the smartest moves we ever made.

RILEY:

(UNCONVINCED) Yeah.

GILLIS:

We sign these cards right now -- and just to make sure, we'll watch each other drop 'em in the mailbox.

RILEY:

(RELUCTANT) Yeah. Yeah, we got to go through with it.

GILLIS:

And when our wives get these cards, it'll change our whole married life!

RILEY:

(UNHAPPY) Yeah. ...

GILLIS:

What's the matter, Riley? You don't sound so happy about it.

RILEY:

Oh, no. No, no. I'm - I'm happy. I'm very happy. (TEARFUL) I'm the happiest man in the world. ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

We'll hear the second act of THE LIFE OF RILEY in a moment.

WOMAN:

Oh, Ken?! The new look is the Prell look!

ANNOUNCER:

Of course! Prell, the Radiant-Creme shampoo in the handy tube, gives that new look for two reasons!

WOMAN:

First, it's Prell for that new look of radiance -- because Prell leaves hair far more radiant than old-fashioned soaps or soap shampoos, and Prell can't leave a dulling soap film. Prell leaves your hair looking soft, smooth, easy to manage.

ANNOUNCER:

Second, it's Prell for hair free of unsightly dandruff, too. Yes, Prell removes unsightly dandruff in as little as three minutes!

WOMAN:

And that handy Prell tube has the new look, too. No old-fashioned bottles, no waste, no spill. Oh, Prell's easy to use.

ANNOUNCER:

Remember, the new look is the Prell look! Try Procter & Gamble's--

MUSIC:

FOR BOUNCY JINGLE--

WOMAN:

(SINGS) P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!
Leaves hair radiant, gleaming bright,
Not a bit of dandruff is in sight!
Comes in a tube; handy, too!
P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Buy Prell!

MUSIC:

THEME ... FILLS PAUSE ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to THE LIFE OF RILEY with William Bendix as Riley.

BABS:

Good morning, Daddy.

RILEY:

(NERVOUS, RAPID) Babs, did the postman come? Did he come yet? Where's your mother? Did the postman come?

BABS:

Well, I - I don't know. What are you so nervous about?

RILEY:

Well, who's nervous? I just asked you did the coastman pum, and you - you said-- ... I'm nervous, huh?

BABS:

Well, you certainly are nervous. Look what you're doing.

RILEY:

Well, what am I doin'? I'm just fillin' my pipe.

BABS:

But you're doing it from the sugar bowl! ...

RILEY:

Oh. Yeah. Well-- Well, tobacco ain't good for ya.

JUNIOR:

(ENTERS) Pop, here's the mail.

RILEY:

The mail! The mail, it came. Well, why didn't you tell me? Where's your mother?

JUNIOR:

Out in the back. What are you so nervous about?

RILEY:

I told you, I'm not nervous, and I'm telling you that for the last time, Babs.

JUNIOR:

Pop, I'm Junior.

RILEY:

(BEAT) I'm pleased to meet you. ... Let me go through this mail.

BABS:

Well, Daddy, what are you expecting that's so important?

RILEY:

Oh, it ain't here. Nothing but bills. It ain't here.

JUNIOR:

What?

RILEY:

The valentine! I mailed your mother one last night and--

BABS:

Is that why you're anxious? (AMUSED) Oh, Daddy, you're acting just like a schoolboy in love! Isn't he, Junior?

JUNIOR:

Oh, go on -- I never carry on like that.

BABS:

Relax, Daddy. It'll come in the afternoon mail for sure.

JUNIOR:

Oh, Pop, here's a letter you missed. It doesn't look like a bill.

SOUND:

OPENS ENVELOPE, UNFOLDS CARD BEHIND--

RILEY:

Yeah, well, let me see. It must be a bill. Who else would write to--? (BEAT, STUNNED) Well, it - it's a valentine.

BABS:

Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?

RILEY:

Yeah. Who'd send me a valentine?
(READS, INCREASINGLY MOVED)
"We quarreled, loving spouse of mine,
But I was in the wrong.
So won't you be my valentine
And recapture love's sweet song?"
(SADLY)
It's signed "Dumplin'" ...

BABS:

(GASPS) It's from - from Mother! I told you she'd get over being mad.

RILEY:

(TEARFUL) She sent me this beautiful valentine and I sent her that-- (REALIZES) She forgave me. She still loves me!

BABS:

Well, of course.

RILEY:

What a revoltin' development this is! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RILEY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... THEN BEHIND--

RILEY:

(TO HIMSELF) Oh, what a mess. When Peg gets that valentine, she'll murder me. I might as well phone up the undertaker right now to come and get me.

DIGGER:

Save your nickel -- I'm here. ... [APPLAUSE FOR DIGGER]

RILEY:

Who's that?

DIGGER:

It is I -- Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker. ...

RILEY:

Oh, hello, Digger.

DIGGER:

I'm on my way to the telegraph office to wire a valentine to my very rich Aunt Hepsibah.

RILEY:

Yeah?

DIGGER:

She lives in far-off Australia. I wrote it myself and I quote:
(RECITES)
"Dear rich auntie, with this card I hail ya.
I hope to visit you soon in Australia.
When I let you go away, I made a blunder.
I'll never smile again -- till I see you down under." ...
(TO RILEY)
Cute?

RILEY:

Yeah, but - but - I - I ain't in the mood for valentines, Digger. I'm in big trouble on account of one.

DIGGER:

Oh, yes. A valentine once got me into a horrible predicament.

RILEY:

Oh, yeah?

DIGGER:

I was courting a young lady. On Valentine's Day, I ordered the florist to send her three gardenias with a card saying, "When I see you wearing these, I'll know you belong to me." And that broke off our engagement.

RILEY:

Well, why?

DIGGER:

Instead of gardenias, the florist sent her lilies. ... But what's troubling you, Riley?

RILEY:

Well, Peg and me had an argument on account of Pringle the grocer and-- Well, to get even, I sent Peg a nasty valentine.

DIGGER:

Dear me, you are in a hole.

RILEY:

Yeah, well, I got pushed into it.

DIGGER:

Sloppy technique. ... Someone's forever getting pushed into a hole and I'm supposed to pull them out. Tell me, did you sign this card?

RILEY:

No, but she'll know it's from me anyway. Just to burn her up, I signed, "From the one you owe so much to." Oh, I'm cooked.

DIGGER:

Cheer up. Where there's -- if you'll excuse the expression -- life, there's hope. ... Perhaps she'll never receive the insulting card.

RILEY:

Why not?

DIGGER:

It might go to the dead letter office -- that's where lots of my mail ends up. ...

RILEY:

No, I addressed it perfectly.

DIGGER:

Then your only chance is to intercept the valentine from the postman before your wife gets it.

RILEY:

(REALIZES) Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I'll do it, Digger! If I don't, I'm a goner.

DIGGER:

Oops, that reminds me, I have an appointment. ... Well, cheerio! I'd better be shoveling off. ... [APPLAUSE FOR DIGGER]

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

RILEY:

(TO HIMSELF, NERVOUS) I wish that postman would hurry up and come. I can't stand it.

JUNIOR:

(APPROACHES) Hi, Pop!

RILEY:

Oh, hello, Junior.

JUNIOR:

You're home early.

RILEY:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

JUNIOR:

Well, aren't you coming in the house?

RILEY:

Uh, no. No, no -- not yet. I'll stay out here for a while. I - I want to get a little sun.

JUNIOR:

Sun?!

RILEY:

Mm.

JUNIOR:

Why, Pop, it's raining. You're dripping wet. ...

RILEY:

Oh. Yeah, that's right. I thought I was perspirin' from the sun. ...

JUNIOR:

Pop, are you sick or something?

RILEY:

Junior, stop asking questions and go in the house.

JUNIOR:

Oh, here comes the postman. I'll take the mail in.

RILEY:

I'll take the mail in! Go in the house. Keep your mother company. Tie her up! I mean-- ... Keep her company, Junior.

JUNIOR:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, okay.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES AS JUNIOR EXITS INTO HOUSE

POSTMAN:

Hello, there, Mr. Riley!

RILEY:

Oh, thank Heaven you came, Mr. Hanigan. I was waitin' for ya.

POSTMAN:

Eh, nothing for you this afternoon I'm afraid, but I've got something for your wife. Looks like a valentine.

RILEY:

(EAGER) Yeah-yeah-yeah. Well, where is it?

POSTMAN:

Let me see now, I saw it here a moment ago.

RILEY:

(PLEASED) You lost it! Oh, wonderful!

POSTMAN:

No, no, no -- here it is. Here it is.

RILEY:

Well, give it to me, give it to me!

POSTMAN:

There's two cents postage due. The sender put a one-cent stamp on it, but the envelope was sealed--

RILEY:

Okay, okay, I'll give you the two cents. (FISHES IN POCKET) Wait a minute, I got some pennies here somewhere.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

PEG:

(ENTERS) Riley, why--? Oh! Hello, Mr. Postman.

RILEY:

(STARTLED EXCLAMATION, HORRIFIED) Peg!

PEG:

Well, what's wrong?

POSTMAN:

Nothing wrong, Mrs. Riley. There's a valentine card for you.

PEG:

For me?

POSTMAN:

Yes, but there's two cents postage due. Mr. Riley was about to pay me.

RILEY:

(BEAT, DESPERATE) I'll do no such thing.

PEG:

What?

RILEY:

(THINKS QUICKLY) You - you ain't gettin' no money out of me! You - you can keep the letter. We don't want it!

PEG:

Why, Riley, don't be ridiculous.

POSTMAN:

Why, Mr. Riley, it's only two cents.

RILEY:

It's the principle! You guys in Washington can't push me around! I'm a taxpayer!

POSTMAN:

But two cents is--

RILEY:

You're never satisfied! You just got twenty-eight billion dollars out of me for your budget!

POSTMAN:

Well, I didn't do that--

RILEY:

Now you want to squeeze two cents more!

PEG:

(AMUSED) Oh, for heaven's sake. I'll give you the two cents, Mr. Postman.

RILEY:

I forbid it!

PEG:

Oh, dear, I haven't got any change.

POSTMAN:

Well, in that case, I'm afraid I'll have-- I-- (WITH A TWINKLE) Oh, maybe I'm just an old softy about valentines but, er, love must go on. I'll pay it.

RILEY:

No! Wait!

POSTMAN:

(GRANDLY) Here you are, Mrs. Riley.

RILEY:

You ain't getting away with this, Hanigan. I'm taking all my business to another post office. ...

PEG:

Oh, stop, Riley. Thank you, Mr. Postman.

POSTMAN:

Don't mention it. It's deductible. (MOVING OFF) Good day. ...

SOUND:

PEG OPENS ENVELOPE BEHIND--

PEG:

Oh honest, Riley, sometimes I just can't figure you-- Wha--? What's this? (BEAT, AS SHE READS CARD, THEN GASPS) Oh! Of all--! (READS) "You've got the head of a wilted cabbage and the eyes of a lumpy potata"?!

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES, WEAKLY) That's very funny, Peg.

PEG:

(READS) "Though you got on your knees, / I wouldn't give you a squeeze--"

PEG &
RILEY: (READ TOGETHER) "'Cause you're only an old tomata." ...

RILEY:

There's an echo here. ...

PEG:

(DEEPLY UPSET) Oh! Of all the mean, insulting--!

RILEY:

Now, now, Peg, it's not that bad.

PEG:

Why, this is the lowest, the most contemptuous--

RILEY:

It's just a joke, Dumplin'. Where's your sense of humor?

PEG:

A joke! You call this a joke?! Insultin' your wife like this!

RILEY:

I know, but forgive and forget.

PEG:

I'll never forget the - the beast who sent this!

RILEY:

Now that's going too far. After all, a beast-- Why--

PEG:

Well, that's what he is! A beast! And I'll tell that Pringle so right to his face!

RILEY:

But, Peg, I-- ... Pringle?

PEG:

Well, who else do you think sent it? Look! Look how he signed it: "From the one you owe so much to." It's that grocer! ... It couldn't be anybody else.

RILEY:

(WITH GUSTO) Peg! You're right! What a beast! He'll pay for this insult! I'll punch him right in the nose!

PEG:

(DRY) That's your wonderful lodge brother.

RILEY:

You're right, Peg, you're right. I'll fix him!

PEG:

Well, I'm goin' in.

RILEY:

Yeah.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES AS PEG EXITS INTO HOUSE

RILEY:

(HEMS AND HAWS FOR A MOMENT, THEN SLOWLY TRANSITIONS TO CHUCKLES AND LAUGHTER, TO HIMSELF) Pringle! She thinks Pringle did it! Ha! What a gorgeous development this is! (LAUGHS)

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

The Rileys will be back in just a moment. Good news in shampoos! That's Prell, the new Radiant-Creme shampoo in the handy tube. From Rockford, Illinois, Mrs. A. J. Stebbins writes--

WIFE:

Since I used Prell, all my friends compliment me on my hair. Regular Prell shampoos keep it free of unsightly dandruff, bring out more radiance than I ever knew was there!

ANNOUNCER:

Friends, treat yourself to a Prell Shampoo. See if you don't agree Prell removes unsightly dandruff quickly, leaves hair radiantly beautiful. Ask for Procter & Gamble's--

MUSIC:

FOR BOUNCY JINGLE--

WOMAN:

(SINGS) P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!
Leaves hair radiant, gleaming bright,
Not a bit of dandruff is in sight!
Comes in a tube; handy, too!
P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!

MUSIC:

JINGLE OUT ... THEN DIRECTLY INTO THEME ... FILLS PAUSE ... THEN OUT WITH--

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... THEN SHUTS AND PEG'S STEPS IN BEHIND--

BABS:

Is that you, Mother?

PEG:

(WEARY) Oh, what a day.

BABS:

Mother, did you tell that grocer off?

PEG:

(SIGHS) Babs, Mr. Pringle didn't send that valentine. Your father did.

BABS:

Daddy?

PEG:

Oh, well, he didn't mean anything by it. That Gillis must have talked him into it! Mrs. Gillis got exactly the same card!

RILEY:

(OFF, CALLS) Peg?! Peg?!

PEG:

(LOW, TO BABS) Oh, sh, sh. Now don't say anything.

RILEY:

(APPROACHES) Oh, here ya are, Peg. Peg! Guess where I just was. Over at Pringle's! And I fixed him good. They're scrapin' him off the floor.

PEG:

(EXTRAVAGANTLY) Oh, Riley -- my hero.

RILEY:

(GRANDLY) I did it for you, Dumplin'. Boy, I gave it to him good: a left and a right, then a left and a, er-- Of course, he got in one punch on my nose, but that's all! Ya see, I - I still got a little blood on my lip here.

PEG:

Mm hm, yes, I see. (POINTEDLY) Now wipe that ketchup off your lip, and sit down and eat. ...

RILEY:

(COWED, TREMBLING) Certainly, my valentine. Anything you say.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Procter & Gamble invite you to join us again next week to hear THE LIFE OF RILEY with William Bendix as Riley. The script is by Reuben Ship and Alan Lipscott. Mrs. Riley is Paula Winslowe, Digger O'Dell is John Brown. THE LIFE OF RILEY is produced by Irving Brecher.

MUSIC:

THEME ... FILLS A PAUSE, THEN FADES OUT ... THEN JINGLE ACCOMPANIES MALE SINGER--

MALE SINGER:

Oh, she was the prima donna,
With always a man in tow.
She washed all the finery on her
With wonderful Ivory Snow.

2ND ANNCR:

Ah, wonderful Ivory Snow -- a regular beauty bath for blouses, lingerie, and sheer nylons. And your hands will tell you why Ivory Snow keeps lovely washables lovely longer. Prove it. This week, wash dishes with Ivory Snow. When you see how it pampers your hands, you'll know it's extra kind to fine fabrics. There's no other soap like it. Ivory Snow's the only soap, both Ivory Mild and in granulated form. Makes suds instantly in lukewarm, even in cool water. Your hands will tell you why. Ivory Snow is so kind to your hands, you just know it's kind to sheer nylons and lovely lingerie.

MALE SINGER:

Ohhhhhh, wonderful Ivory Snow!

2ND ANNCR:

S-N-O-W!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG--

ANNOUNCER:

This is Ken Niles reminding you that for radiantly clean, lovely hair, get the shampoo in the tube, P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo. And listen again next week when Prell brings you THE LIFE OF RILEY. And now stay tuned for TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES. Good night!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME UP AND OUT

NBC ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES