WELLES:

Good evening, this is Orson Welles, inviting you to listen now to Ann Sothern in "Miss Dilly Says No" on Cresta Blanca's THIS IS MY BEST.

MUSIC:

FANFARE ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

THIS IS MY BEST! America's greatest stars in the world's best stories, presented each week by Schenley's Cresta Blanca Wine -- wine of friendly nature, pride of the vintner's art, symbol of hospitality, compliment to honored guests. A wine to serve proudly, saying "This Is My Best."

MUSIC:

OUT ... THEN BRIEF MELODIC JINGLES PUNCTUATE THE FOLLOWING AT [X]

ANNOUNCER:

This is Cresta Blanca. C-R-E-S-T-A -- [X] -- B-L-A-N-C-A. [X] Cresta -- [X] -- Blanca. [X] Cresta Blanca. [X]

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

And now for "Miss Dilly Says No" with Ann Sothern who appears through the courtesy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, the producers of "The Picture of Dorian Gray."

WELLES:

Orson Welles again. We're proud to say that tonight's story has been chosen for rebroadcast overseas. And our guest is another source of pride. Past argument, Ann Sothern is one of the most extremely scrumptious and likewise gifted of stardom's citizenry. Her Maisie is an American institution. The heroine she brings to life on THIS IS MY BEST tonight is no less remarkable a personage, believe me. Miss Dilly is the name -- Miss Dilly from Theodore Pratt's best selling fable, "Miss Dilly Says No." Scene: That most wildly improbable of all the never-never lands on this whirling globe of ours -- the grand capital of glamour -- the home of nut burgers and Mike Romanoff and Hedda Hopper's hats-- ... You guessed it. Yes, Miss Dilly says "no" where "no" is seldom said -- in Hollywood!

MUSIC:

OVERTURE

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

MISS DILLY:

Mr. Gladstone's office. Miss Dilly speaking. -- I'm sorry, I'm only Mr. Gladstone's secretary.

SOUND:

ANOTHER PHONE RINGS

MISS DILLY:

Hold on a moment, please.

SOUND:

ANOTHER RECEIVER UP

MISS DILLY:

Miss Dilly speaking. -- What? No, Mr. Gladstone doesn't want the mixed choir or the Swiss bell ringers in the picture. He's decided to use Shetland ponies instead. Sorry. ...

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

MISS DILLY:

Hello. What's that? Oh, you've got the wrong studio. This is Superior Pictures.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

MISS DILLY:

(SIGHS, THEN HUMS A FEW LINES OF "COCKTAILS FOR TWO," WHICH ALTERNATES WITH--)

SOUND:

MISS DILLY'S ONE-FINGER PECKING AT TYPEWRITER ... A FEW PECKS ALTERNATE WITH HER HUMMING EACH LINE OF THE SONG

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA PICKS UP "COCKTAILS FOR TWO" FROM HUMMING ... THEN BEHIND WELLES--

WELLES:

Miss Dilly, whom you've just met, is secretary to one of Hollywood's biggest producers. But Miss Dilly is no ordinary secretary. She's also a writer. For the first five years of her endeavors, she's averaged two dozen original screen stories, or two a month. This made two hundred and forty in all, although it was not her grand total. At the moment, however, Miss Dilly has given up all hopes of ever selling a story to the movies, and is collecting rejection slips from the book publishers. In fact, only one thing keeps Miss Dilly from getting a job in some other industry, and that is Mr. Horatio. Mr. Horatio is a member of the board of directors of Superior Studios, and Miss Dilly sees him once a year, when he comes to Hollywood to attend the annual board meeting. She's had no more success with Mr. Horatio than she's had with her stories, but as I pointed out, Miss Dilly is a very unusual character. So, in point of fact, is Mr. Horatio. Your obedient servant will essay the role, if you'll excuse him, please, while he gets into character. Take it away, Miss Dilly.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MISS DILLY:

(MEEKLY) You rang, Mr. Horatio?

HORATIO:

(SMITTEN; FLUSTERED BY HER MERE PRESENCE) Oh--! Why, Miss Dilly! Come in, come in.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

HORATIO:

Here, take - take - take this chair.

MISS DILLY:

(PLEASED) Oh, thank you, Mr. Horatio.

HORATIO:

So you're going to help me again this year, hm?

MISS DILLY:

Well, I'll be glad to do what I can.

HORATIO:

Yes. Yes, er-- Yes, indeed.

MISS DILLY:

(AWKWARD CHUCKLE) You wanted to dictate a letter?

HORATIO:

(YES) Uh, mm. It goes to Gino Bonelli, Gate House, Horatio Hall, Mount Kisco, New York. "Dear Bonelli. I have been thinking over the problem which you laid before me just before I left for the Coast, concerning the disposition of the Duchess of Bensborough rosebush."

MISS DILLY:

Rosebush?

HORATIO:

(YES) Mm. The letter's to my gardener. ...

MISS DILLY:

(IMPRESSED) Gee. (AWKWARD PAUSE, THEN CHUCKLE) ...

HORATIO:

Ah, to continue. (DICTATES) "I had seriously considered planting it down near the swimming pool, but I note a tendency to ranginess in the roses we placed there last year. It's too far from the house, and I would hardly ever see it there. On second thought--" Umm-- (ABRUPTLY, TO MISS DILLY) What do you think?

MISS DILLY:

I beg your pardon?

HORATIO:

Where do you think it should go, Miss Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

[Well, I don't know. I don't know what your place is like.

HORATIO:

I'll draw you a diagram of the grounds.

BUSINESS:

RAPID SKETCHING AS HE TALKS

HORATIO:

Here. House here. Stables over here. Gardener's cottages, conservatory, swimming pool, guest houses.

MISS DILLY:

What...what kind of rose is it?

HORATIO:

A small yellow tube rose.

MISS DILLY:

They're my favorite.

HORATIO:

Mine, too. That's why I'm being so careful in getting it located.]

MISS DILLY:

Well, I guess there's only one thing to do, Mr. Horatio.

HORATIO:

Ah?

MISS DILLY:

Plant it beside the gate, where you go in and out on your walks every day.

HORATIO:

(WITH GREAT ENTHUSIASM) Excellent suggestion, Miss Dilly! Excellent!

MISS DILLY:

(CHUCKLES HAPPILY)

HORATIO:

Then I'll see it every day!

MISS DILLY:

Yes!

HORATIO:

Yes, I'll see it twice: coming and going!

MISS DILLY:

(CHUCKLES) ...

HORATIO:

I'll see it more than twice if I come and go more than once.

MISS DILLY:

Yes! ...

HORATIO:

Thank you, Miss Dilly, for your generous advice.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, you're welcome, Mr. Horatio. (DREAMILY) In fact, more than welcome. Heh.

HORATIO:

(THE SAME) Heh. ... (SNAPS OUT OF IT) Ahem, yes. Then we'll conclude the letter. ... Viz: "A helpful friend" -- that's you, Miss Dilly.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES) ...

HORATIO:

"--friend here at the studio has suggested that we plant the rose beside the West Gate." Sign it, "Cordially yours, with regards to Mrs. Bonelli and the children, E. Horatio."

MISS DILLY:

Yes. Well, I'll type this up and send it right away, air mail.

HORATIO:

Good, good. I'll send you a rose from the bush, Miss Dilly.

MISS DILLY:

(THRILLED) Ohhh, Mr. Horatio!

HORATIO:

Uh huh. As a reward for your suggestion.

MISS DILLY:

(SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED) Oh. Well, I'll look forward to it.

HORATIO:

You shall receive it without fail -- the very first time it blooms!

MISS DILLY:

(HOPING AGAIN) Oh! Well, that will be wonderful!

HORATIO:

(RECKLESSLY) I'll send two! ...

MISS DILLY:

(PLEASED) Oh, why, Mr. Horatio!

HORATIO:

(AWKWARD) Well, I expect I'd better be getting on. This evening, the board is meeting with Mr. Gladstone. Well, goodbye.

MISS DILLY:

Goodbye, Mr. Horatio.

SOUND:

MISS DILLY'S STEPS TO DOOR

HORATIO:

"Au revoir," I should have said, Miss Dilly.

MISS DILLY:

(CHUCKLES)

HORATIO:

(OFF) Until next year.

MISS DILLY:

Until next year.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES OFF

MISS DILLY:

(TO HERSELF) Until next year. (SIGHS)

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS BRIEFLY

MARILLA:

Hi, Dilly.

MISS DILLY:

Hello, Marilla.

MARILLA:

(DISGUSTED) So you let him get away again?

MISS DILLY:

(DEFENSIVE) Well, he promised to send me a rose, though.

MARILLA:

[A rose...with his kind of dough.

MISS DILLY:

Two roses. Duchess of Bensboroughs.]

MARILLA:

If you don't take the Oscar for a dumb performance! Carrying the torch for a guy; you see him once a year and when the day rolls around and you get him all alone, all you come away with is an I.O.U. for a couple of roses.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, you don't understand, Marilla. He doesn't even know I exist even.

MARILLA:

Funny he remembers you from year to year. [And always asks for you.] Why, his beard was fairly twitching when he asked me to send you in a while ago.

MISS DILLY:

(DREAMILY) Oh, it's such a handsome beard. ... Marilla--?

MARILLA:

Yes, Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

When you kiss a man with a beard, does it, um----- tickle? ...

MARILLA:

Hasn't he even kissed ya?!

MISS DILLY:

Oh, Marilla. We live in different worlds, that's all. He's a-- He's a great financier and I'm just a--

MARILLA:

Financier! Listen, anybody can be a financier. All you need is the money. ... Oh, I forgot. I came in to bring you this.

MISS DILLY:

A telegram?

MARILLA:

Sure, it's a telegram.

MISS DILLY:

Now, who on earth--?

MARILLA:

Well, open it and see.

SOUND:

ENVELOPE OPENED

MISS DILLY:

(STUNNED) Marilla--?

MARILLA:

What is it? Is somebody dead?

MISS DILLY:

Listen to this. (READS) "Your manuscript titled 'Forever Hollywood' has been accepted for publication on our Spring List."

MARILLA:

(THRILLED) Dilly!

MISS DILLY:

"We reluctantly accept your pro-viz-oh that no personal information concerning you or your connection with Superior Pictures will be divulged by us. Signed Algernon Klopman, President, Klopman-Schuster Publishing Company."

MARILLA:

But, Dilly, why do you want to keep it a secret?

MISS DILLY:

Because-- Well, I might lose my job.

MARILLA:

Oh, what do you care? You're an author now. Why, your book'll make a million dollars!

MISS DILLY:

(SKEPTICAL) Oh--

MARILLA:

I'll bet it will.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, go on.

MARILLA:

Well, even if it only made a few thousand--

MISS DILLY:

But don't you see? I just have to keep my job. Otherwise I won't see Mr. Horatio next year!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

INTERCOM BUZZES

GLADSTONE:

(ON INTERCOM, GRIM) Miss Dilly!

MISS DILLY:

Yes, Mr. Gladstone?

GLADSTONE:

Come in here right away. And bring your book.

MISS DILLY:

(UNEASY) My--? My shorthand book?

GLADSTONE:

You know perfectly well what book I mean! That book! Bring it in here.

MISS DILLY:

(MEEKLY) Yes, Mr. Gladstone.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF INTERCOM SWITCH ... MISS DILLY'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

MISS DILLY:

(MEEKLY) Yes, Mr. Gladstone?

GLADSTONE:

Sit down. Close the door, Jonah.

JONAH:

Close the door. Right, Chief!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES SHARPLY

GLADSTONE:

Well, Miss Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

(QUICKLY) Well, Mr. Gladstone, I never had any idea they'd really print it. Honestly, I didn't. You yourself said my writing stank, even in Technicolor.

GLADSTONE:

This is no time for levity, Miss Dilly.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

GLADSTONE:

Ah-ah-ah. Sit still, Miss Dilly. Answer that, Jonah.

JONAH:

Right, Chief!

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

JONAH:

(INTO PHONE) -- Who's that? -- (WITH DISDAIN) You snail! You earthworm!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

GLADSTONE:

Who was that?

JONAH:

Arthur Horntoot, Jr., over at Culver, the bum! ...

GLADSTONE:

Oh, now, listen to me, Miss Dilly. I don't want to have any unpleasantness about this, but--

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

JONAH:

Who's this? -- (WITH DISDAIN) Oh, you jerks! You double-barreled three-plied heels, you!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

GLADSTONE:

Who was that?

JONAH:

(WITH DISDAIN) Tantamount Pictures.

GLADSTONE:

(WITH DISGUST) That quickie factory.

JONAH:

(AGREES) Mmmm.

GLADSTONE:

You see what you've done to us, Miss Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

No, I don't.

GLADSTONE:

Those other companies!

JONAH:

Crooks!

GLADSTONE:

They want to buy your book!

MISS DILLY:

(BEAT) Buy my book?

GLADSTONE:

Suppose they'd got to you before we knew anything about it? How do you think we would have felt here at Superior?

MISS DILLY:

Well, I'm sorry if some of the things I said in my book were-- Well, I - I mean, one has to write from one's own experience.

GLADSTONE:

You don't understand, Miss Dilly. We want your book, too.

JONAH:

We want to make a picture of it.

GLADSTONE:

We want to pay you money for it.

JONAH:

Five thousand dollars!

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

GLADSTONE:

I'll get this one.

JONAH:

Okay.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

GLADSTONE:

-- (ANGRY) Who's this?! Robbers! Talent thieves! Blood-suckers!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

JONAH:

Who was that?

GLADSTONE:

(WITH DISGUST) Mercury! Those-- ...

JONAH:

Did you say Mercury, boss?

GLADSTONE:

Yes! Those scavengers!

JONAH:

Yeah.

GLADSTONE:

(BACK TO BUSINESS) Miss Dilly, don't get your ideas too high. Let's say, er, seventy-five hundred dollars.

MISS DILLY:

(EVENLY) Have you read my book, Mr. Gladstone?

GLADSTONE:

Of course not.

MISS DILLY:

You, Mr. Jonah?

JONAH:

With the other studios bidding like this? I should waste my time reading it?

GLADSTONE:

Well, how about it, Miss Dilly? Ten thousand! That's our final offer.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

JONAH:

Hey, ya better take it, Miss Dilly.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

MISS DILLY:

(INTO PHONE) Mr. Gladstone's office.

JONAH:

I didn't mean take the phone.

MISS DILLY:

This is Miss Dilly. -- Oh, yes, Mr. Klopman. Well, would--? Would thirty--? Thirty-five thousand dollars be too much?

GLADSTONE & JONAH:

(REACT WITH DISMAY) ...

MISS DILLY:

(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Mr. Klopman.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

GLADSTONE:

Who was that?

MISS DILLY:

My publisher. Imagine, "Forever Hollywood" is being chosen by the Book of the Month Club.

GLADSTONE:

That means three hundred thousand right there!

JONAH:

Yes!

MISS DILLY:

And he says it's selling a thousand copies a day, including Sundays.

JONAH:

Including Sundays? ... Well, let me see. Let me see now. That's seven thousand copies a week at two-fifty a copy. That's, er, two thousand, six hundred and twenty-five dollars per week.

GLADSTONE:

Jonah!

JONAH:

Yes, B. G.?

GLADSTONE:

Do you mean to say that she makes more money a week than I do? ...

JONAH:

(SOLEMN) Yes, B. G. It looks that way.

MISS DILLY:

(WEAKLY) Mr. Gladstone--? Mr. Gladstone? I think I'm going to faint.

SOUND:

BODY THUDS TO FLOOR

GLADSTONE:

Get some water! She's fainted!

JONAH:

Right, Chief!

GLADSTONE:

No! Wait! While she's out, we'd better plan our strategy.

JONAH:

Yeah, that's a good idea, Chief.

GLADSTONE:

Here's what we can do.

JONAH:

Yeah?

GLADSTONE:

After she gets off work tonight, we have a car waiting at the studio gate, and-- (FADES)

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE ... THEN TOPS DIALOGUE ... SWELLING TO CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

With Ann Sothern as star, Cresta Blanca is bringing you Orson Welles' production of "Miss Dilly Says No" on THIS IS MY BEST.

MUSIC:

TO SELL WINE BY ... SWEET STRINGS FILL A PAUSE, THEN CONTINUE BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

A witty and practical Frenchman once said, as only a Frenchman would: "A poem can ne'er / with a dinner compare." Undoubtedly, many of you will agree. You know, yourself, the feeling of complete well-being you experience after a good dinner. And when you have also enjoyed a fine wine with your dinner, you have special reason for satisfaction. For fine wines and fine foods just naturally go together. One complements the other. And, if the wine served with your meal is a fine Cresta Blanca California Sauterne, your dinner is beyond comparison. This excellent Sauterne has a distinctive "dry" character that always awakens the hidden flavors in fine foods and creates pleasing taste harmonies. It's a light-bodied, golden wine with a delicious full flavor. It has a delicate aroma all its own. You will especially enjoy Cresta Blanca Sauterne when you serve it well-chilled.

MUSIC:

UP AND GENTLY OUT

WELLES:

Orson Welles again -- raising the curtain on Act Two of "Miss Dilly Says No."

MUSIC:

SECOND OVERTURE ... THEN BEHIND WELLES--

WELLES:

As our story proceeds, Miss Dilly, enacted, as you will have noticed, by Ann Sothern, is still in a dead faint from the shock of having become, overnight, America's best-selling authoress. Lest the movie rights to her book be captured by some rival studio, Superior Productions, where Miss Dilly is employed as a secretary, have placed her in the protective custody of a trusted studio policeman. As we look in on her now, she's whizzing along one of Hollywood's wide boulevards in a bulletproof limousine.

SOUND:

SIREN AND RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

MISS DILLY:

Where am I? What happened?

MARILLA:

Oh, it's all right, Dilly. You just passed out from excitement.

MISS DILLY:

Is this an ambulance we're riding in?

MARILLA:

No, it's only Mr. Gladstone's car.

MISS DILLY:

Only? What are you doing here, Timothy?

TIMOTHY:

Well, all I know is I'm supposed to go along everywhere you go, and sit outside the door of your apartment and not let anybody in but her.

MISS DILLY:

Well, we certainly aren't going in the direction of my apartment. We're going in the exact opposite direction!

TIMOTHY:

What's that? Well, for cryin' out loud!

SOUND:

SIREN FADES OUT BEHIND--

TIMOTHY:

(CALLS) Hey, you, driver! Hey, Mac! Pull up! Stop the car! I've got you covered, so you better do as I say.

DRIVER:

(NERVOUS) Keep your shirt on, copper. I'll park as fast as I can.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, CAR SLOWS ... THEN COMES TO A HALT

TIMOTHY:

Who are you? You're not Mr. Gladstone's driver.

DRIVER:

I'm - I'm Bill Gretz from Intentional Pictures. ... This was the only way I could get an interview with Miss Dilly.

TIMOTHY:

Go on, get out! Go on, before I let you have it with both barrels.

DRIVER:

Look, I just want to ask her one question. Miss Dilly? What was your last offer?

MISS DILLY:

Amalgamated offered me forty-five thousand, but I--

DRIVER:

(QUICKLY) All right, all right. If Amalgamated'll verify that, we'll make it fifty. You say it's a deal, I'll say it's a deal. Then it's a deal. Because a - deal is a deal.

MISS DILLY:

Uh, well, uh-- No, thank you.

DRIVER:

(FRUSTRATED, SLOWLY) All right. What is your price?

MISS DILLY:

I haven't any!

TIMOTHY:

You want to talk to him any more, Miss Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

No.

TIMOTHY:

You sure you don't? You heard what he said? Fifty grand.

MISS DILLY:

It doesn't matter, Timothy.

TIMOTHY:

But fifty grand!

MISS DILLY:

Timothy, are you working for Superior or Intentional Pictures?

TIMOTHY:

I'm trying to work for you.

MISS DILLY:

All right then. Just go ahead and do as Mr. Gladstone told you.

TIMOTHY:

Couldn't very well do that, Miss Dilly.

MISS DILLY:

Why not?

TIMOTHY:

Well, after all, Miss Dilly -- murder's against the law!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MISS DILLY:

(YAWNS)

GLADSTONE:

Well, well, well, Miss Dilly! Have a good night?

MISS DILLY:

Oh, yes, Mr. Gladstone. Fine, thank you.

JONAH:

Nobody, ah, bothered you?

MISS DILLY:

Oh, no. No, nothing at all.

GLADSTONE & JONAH:

(SIGH SIMULTANEOUSLY)

GLADSTONE:

Thank the Lord. ... Miss Dilly, I read your book last night.

MISS DILLY:

You did?

GLADSTONE:

Yes. I don't often read a book, but I must say yours is a dilly.

JONAH:

(UP BIG) "Yours is a dilly"! That's very funny, Chief!

GLADSTONE:

(SHARP) Shut up, Jonah.

JONAH:

(DOWN) Yes. ...

GLADSTONE:

Confidentially, Miss Dilly, what's your highest offer, er, so far?

MISS DILLY:

Well, I--

JONAH:

(INTERRUPTS, ENTHUSIASTIC, RAPID) Miss Dilly, look, we're prepared to go to sixty thousand if you'll just say it's a deal, this minute, as of now! What do you say?

MISS DILLY:

(FIRMLY) No.

JONAH:

(BURBLES, STARTLED, TO GLADSTONE) She says no.

GLADSTONE:

(EXASPERATED) What do you want, Miss Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

Well, for one thing, I'd like a raise to forty dollars a week.

GLADSTONE & JONAH:

[WHAT?!

MISS DILLY:

You promised me a raise three years ago, Mr. Gladstone, and I'm still getting thirty-seven fifty.]

JONAH:

What?!

GLADSTONE:

(TRYING NOT TO EXPLODE) Don't cloud the issue, Miss Dilly. We're talking about your story.

MISS DILLY:

Mr. Gladstone, I don't want to sell my book, to you or to any other studio.

GLADSTONE:

(EXPLODES) Nonsense! Whoever heard of anybody not selling a book to pictures?!

MISS DILLY:

Mr. Gladstone, you shouldn't get so excited.

GLADSTONE:

I'll get as excited as I please!

MISS DILLY:

It's not good for you, Mr. Gladstone. Remember your nerves. (MELODIC) You know how you always break out in shingles. ...

JONAH:

But - but why, Miss Dilly? Why won't you sell?

GLADSTONE:

Yes, why?!

MISS DILLY:

Well, because-- (TAKES A BREATH) Because I don't feel like it.

GLADSTONE:

(IN A SQUEAKY, DISBELIEVING VOICE) You don't feel like it? ...

MISS DILLY:

No. I thought it all over last night and I-- And I got to thinking about you, Mr. Gladstone, and all the men like you. And I decided that for your own good it was high time someone said no to you.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MARILLA:

Hello, Dilly.

MISS DILLY:

(DREAMILY) Marilla. Imagine - Mr. Horatio's invited me to eat dinner and go dancing.

MARILLA:

(HEAVY IRONY) Whoopee. ...

MISS DILLY:

Goodness, I can't possibly be ready. I don't even own an evening dress.

MARILLA:

You sap. [You've got a whole movie studio buffaloed and you wonder where you're going to get an evening gown.] Tell Gladstone to get you one out of wardrobe.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, I couldn't do that.

MARILLA:

Oh, tell him it's business. You're goin' out with a member of the board of directors, ain't ya?

MISS DILLY:

Well, I suppose I could tell him that.

MARILLA:

And listen, this time, make sure he kisses ya. Otherwise you'll be waitin' around till next year again.

MISS DILLY:

Well, how can I make sure?

MARILLA:

Simple. Give him the old necktie treatment. ...

MISS DILLY:

Necktie treatment? What's that?

MARILLA:

Well, when you're driving there in the taxi and the taxi goes around a corner--

MISS DILLY:

Mm hm?

MARILLA:

--you just lose your balance a little and lean against him -- not too heavy, you understand? Just - nice like.

MISS DILLY:

(GASPS)

MARILLA:

And if that doesn't work, then you notice that his tie is crooked and offer to straighten it for him. If you look right into their eyes while you're fixing the tie, they never last around the next corner! ...

MUSIC:

QUICK BRIDGE

SOUND:

MOTOR CAR TURNS CORNER

MISS DILLY:

Whoops! Oh! Oh, excuse me, Mr. Horatio.

HORATIO:

It wasn't your fault, Miss Dilly. (TO DRIVER, POLITE) Uh, driver, not so fast if you please. (TO MISS DILLY) Good thing I was sitting here beside you, Miss Dilly. Might have thrown you straight out the other window.

MISS DILLY:

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I don't think that would have happened. Now look what I've done.

HORATIO:

Oh dear, what's that?

MISS DILLY:

Your necktie.

HORATIO:

Oh, that's all right.

MISS DILLY:

It's all crooked. Here.

HORATIO:

No, don't--

MISS DILLY:

Let me straighten it for you.

HORATIO:

I - I--

SOUND:

CAR SCREECHES AROUND ANOTHER CORNER

MISS DILLY:

(EXHALES, COMING UP FOR AIR) Why, Mister Horatio!

HORATIO:

(SHEEPISH) I guess I shouldn't have done that. ...

MISS DILLY:

(EXHALES HAPPILY) I'm glad you kissed me.

HORATIO:

Well, I'm glad you're glad, Miss Dilly, because - I'm glad! ...

MISS DILLY:

(GIGGLES) It - it did tickle. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... SEGUES TO DANCE BAND PLAYING A WALTZ

HORATIO:

One-two-three. One-two-three. One-two-- I'm sorry, excuse me. Very clumsy of me. Two-three. One-two-three. You waltz beautifully, Miss -- ouch! -- Miss Dilly. ...

MISS DILLY:

Oh, well, thank you. So do you.

HORATIO:

Two-three. Miss Dilly, there's something I must confess to you. I don't want you to think I've offered you my friendship under any false pretenses when I explain something to you, Miss Dilly. I - I really think that I ought to explain--

MUSIC:

DANCE BAND FINISHES SONG

SOUND:

SCATTERED APPLAUSE ... THEN CROWD MURMURS BRIEFLY IN BG

MISS DILLY:

Well, I - I think you'd better wait till we get back to your table.

HORATIO:

To my table? Yes! That's splendid. Can't hear yourself think out here, can you?

MISS DILLY:

No.

HORATIO:

No.

SOUND:

THEY SIT AT TABLE

HORATIO:

Ah, there we are.

MISS DILLY:

Well! Now then. You say you have a confession to make?

HORATIO:

Well, it's not exactly a confession, Miss Dilly, but I've sometimes wondered if there wasn't a - a bond between us. Our names.

MISS DILLY:

First names, you mean?

HORATIO:

(YES) Hmm. I've noticed you always sign your name "S. Dilly."

MISS DILLY:

And you always sign yours, "E. Horatio."

HORATIO:

I'll tell you what E. stands for if you'll tell me what S. stands for. ...

MISS DILLY:

All right. If you promise never to call me by my first name.

HORATIO:

You'll have to promise the same.

MISS DILLY:

(AMUSED) Hmm, I promise.

HORATIO:

All right. (IN DEEP SHAME) Mine is-- Mine is -- Eliphalet. [ill-IFF-a-let] ...

MISS DILLY:

I think I'd better go on calling you Mr. Horatio.

HORATIO:

Hmm. And yours?

MISS DILLY:

(BEAT, EVEN MORE ASHAMED) Sophonisba. [so-FAHN-iz-ba] ...

HORATIO:

Yes. I see what you mean, Miss Dilly.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

LIGHT NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND (CRICKETS, ET CETERA)

HORATIO:

Well, here we are.

MISS DILLY:

(EXHALES HAPPILY) It's been a lovely evening, Mr. Horatio.

HORATIO:

(GIDDY) Has it? Has it? Has it?

MISS DILLY:

Yes.

HORATIO:

Has it? Do you really think so?

MISS DILLY:

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, I do. Don't you?

HORATIO:

Well, let's do it all over again tomorrow evening, shall we?

MISS DILLY:

Oh, yes.

HORATIO:

Do it all over again.

MISS DILLY:

(RELUCTANTLY) Well, uh-- Well-- Good night.

HORATIO:

Good night. Oh, I almost forgot.

MISS DILLY:

(PLEASED) Yes, dear?

HORATIO:

(QUICKLY) Miss Dilly, I'm happy to tell you that the studio would like to purchase your book and make a picture out of it. (YES) Mm hm.

MISS DILLY:

(STUNNED) You! You, too?!

HORATIO:

And I'm particularly happy to let you know the price we are willing to offer for it.

MISS DILLY:

(DISMAYED) No. No.

HORATIO:

One hundred thousand dollars.

MISS DILLY:

Mr. Horatio, I thought you didn't like financial matters.

HORATIO:

Well, I don't. I just-- Well, what's the matter?

MISS DILLY:

(HURT) Can you ask that?

HORATIO:

(PUZZLED) But - did you want more money, Miss Dilly? Is that it? If it is, I don't see why it can't be arranged.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, I thought you cared for me. And all the time you were working with the studio to try to get me to sell my book for pictures!

HORATIO:

Oh, but what's wrong with that, Miss Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

(TEARFUL) Ohhh, I never want to see you again as long as I live! You - you Eliphalet! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MISS DILLY:

[Imagine, Marilla, after kissing me -- deliberately -- in the taxi-cab....

MARILLA:

Did you use the necktie treatment?

MISS DILLY:

--- and even making me confess my first name - he had the gall to offer me a hundred thousand dollars for my book.

MARILLA:

Men are beasts.

MISS DILLY:

They surely are. And furthermore --]

SOUND:

INTERCOM BUZZES

GLADSTONE:

(ON INTERCOM, MISERABLE) Miss Dilly, will you come in here for a moment, please?

MISS DILLY:

Yes, Mr. Gladstone. [(TO MARILLA) Don't go away, I'll be right back.]

SOUND:

MISS DILLY'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND CLOSES

GLADSTONE:

Sit down, Miss Dilly. Have a cigarette.

MISS DILLY:

No, thank you.

GLADSTONE:

Don't look so frightened, Miss Dilly. I'm not going to talk about your story.

MISS DILLY:

Then why are you scratching yourself like that?

GLADSTONE:

It's my shingles. They've come back, Miss Dilly.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, that's what I thought. I warned you against getting so excited, Mr. Gladstone.

GLADSTONE:

This is the worst case of shingles I've ever had, Miss Dilly. And I've been asking myself why.

MISS DILLY:

Well, Mr. Gladstone, pardon me for saying so, but you know that scratching like that only makes them worse.

GLADSTONE:

Why, I asked myself? Why is it worse this time?

MISS DILLY:

Well, maybe it's because nobody ever said no to you before, Mr. Gladstone.

GLADSTONE:

This is your fault, Miss Dilly. Those shingles-- It's all your fault.

MISS DILLY:

Well, I'll do anything I can to help, Mr. Gladstone. Maybe - maybe I could help you scratch them? ...

GLADSTONE:

I lay awake all night, asking myself "Why?" Why are they worse this time? Is it Miss Dilly's story I want? Or--? (ADVANCING TOWARD HER) Or is it--? Is it Miss Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

(BEAT, TERRIFIED) Mr. Gladstone!

GLADSTONE:

(PASSIONATE) I love you, Miss Dilly! ... I've never loved anybody else for an instant. Marry me and we'll produce your story together! ...

MISS DILLY:

Ohhh. Now - now, Mr. Gladstone--

GLADSTONE:

Say yes, Miss Dilly. Say yes and put an end to my suffering.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, now, really, Mr. Gladstone, you don't have to do this. I've changed my mind. Really I have. I'll sell you the story. You can have it for nothing.

GLADSTONE:

Oh, Dilly, the least I can do-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Huh? What's that?

MISS DILLY:

I said I've changed my mind. You can have my story.

GLADSTONE:

(PLEASED) Well! Now you're talking.

MISS DILLY:

(SADLY) You see, Mr. Gladstone, I thought saying no to all that money might restore some people's faith in human nature. But now - well, I haven't got any faith in human nature myself any more. So - if you want me to, I'll sign the contract.

SOUND:

INSTANTLY, A DRAWER BANGS AND A PAPER RUSTLES

GLADSTONE:

Sign it! ... Miss Dilly -- here -- sign your name to this quickly - before you change your mind.

MISS DILLY:

There's no ink in the pen.

GLADSTONE:

Here, here - take mine. Right here, Miss Dilly.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

HORATIO:

Stop! I forbid you to sign that. ...

MISS DILLY:

You get out of here, you Eliphalet!

HORATIO:

Shut up, Sophonisba! ...

GLADSTONE:

Now, come, come. Let's not call each other dirty names. ...

HORATIO:

Miss Dilly, you've misunderstood me perfectly dreadfully. They didn't tell me you didn't want to sell your book. They explained to me that it was just a question of price. They didn't say anything else, not a thing. I thought I was giving you such a nice big surprise yesterday evening.

MISS DILLY:

Oh, how can I believe you? How can I believe anybody? Give me back that pen, Mr. Gladstone, I'm going to sign.

HORATIO:

(QUIETLY DESPERATE) If you sign that paper, you'll destroy all my faith in your integrity. If you sign, I - I won't even ask you to marry me.

MISS DILLY:

You won't - what?

HORATIO:

Ask you to marry me.

MISS DILLY:

(BEAT, ENTRANCED) Mister Horatio!

HORATIO:

Well, I wouldn't want to go around asking you if I thought your answer was gonna be no, Miss Dilly. (BEAT, MEEKLY) It wouldn't be no, would it, Miss Dilly?

MISS DILLY:

(EXHALES HAPPILY) ... No, of course it won't be no! No, no, no, Mr. Horatio!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Schenley's Cresta Blanca Wine joins the audience here in Hollywood in applauding Ann Sothern and Orson Welles for their performances in tonight's play on THIS IS MY BEST. In a few moments Mr. Welles will be back to tell you about next week.

MUSIC:

SWEET STRINGS FILL A PAUSE ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

A clever hostess soon learns that when good food and good wine keep company at dinner, her hospitality is at its best. Especially when she serves a fine Cresta Blanca California table wine with the meal. She has learned this excellent wine always lends a charming, friendly touch to the occasion. The next time you invite friends for dinner, plan to serve this excellent wine with your meal. Then notice how conversation sparkles and how everyone soon feels at home. There are just two things to remember in serving wine. First, choose the wine you like best, and serve it well chilled. You may prefer a red table wine like Cresta Blanca California Burgundy or Claret. Or a white table wine such as Cresta Blanca California Sauterne. No matter which you choose, when you see the words Cresta Blanca on the bottle, you can be assured you have chosen the Crest of Quality in wine since 1889.

Now here is your Cresta Blanca host, Orson Welles.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WELLES:

Thank you. And I'm thanking you for one of our favorite performers -- yours and mine -- Miss Ann Sothern. She thanks you and I thank her for a very swell Miss Dilly. Thanks, too, from both of us to the rest of the cast, with special reference to Mr. Gladstone, so richly delineated this evening by a really grand trouper, Mr. Francis X. Bushman.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WELLES:

And now before I tell you about next week's show, just a word about paper. Paper is a war material. With this year's increased manpower shortages, only an intensified paper salvage program can produce the amounts needed. Contact your local paper salvage committee. Thanks.

Well, when Cresta Blanca first inaugurated THIS IS MY BEST, it was inevitable that sooner or later we'd get around to Walt Disney. We weren't especially surprised to learn that he still considers "Snow White" his best, so next week, Easter Week, seemed an appropriate time to present our radio version of Mr. Disney's very delightful and very tuneful masterpiece. We'll have with us one of the screen's loveliest young singing stars, Miss Jane Powell.

So until next week -- until "Snow White" -- I remain, as always, obediently yours.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Our musical score was composed by Bernard Katz. Our radio play was by Robert Tallman. Don't forget next week - when Orson Welles will again be with us as your Cresta Blanca host, to present Walt Disney's "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," starring Jane Powell. And remember whenever you dine, dine with wine, and make it the best wine.

MUSIC:

BRIEF MELODIC JINGLES PUNCTUATE THE FOLLOWING AT [X]

ANNOUNCER:

C-R-E-S-T-A -- [X] -- B-L-A-N-C-A. [X] Cresta -- [X] -- Blanca. [X] Cresta Blanca. [X]

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END--

ANNOUNCER:

THIS IS MY BEST is prepared in collaboration with Whit Burnett, editor of the book, "This Is My Best," a presentation of the Cresta Blanca Wine Company of Livermore, California, and came to you from Columbia's Playhouse in Hollywood. John McIntire speaking.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.