MUSIC:

FANFARE

BROKENSHIRE:

The United States Steel Hour -- presents -- The Theatre Guild on the Air presentation of "THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD" starring Jimmy Stewart, Josephine Hull and Colleen Gray, with Kenny Delmar.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME IN OVER APPLAUSE

BROKENSHIRE:

(MUSIC: UNDER----) Helping to build a better America, through better steels and products of steel, is the job of the industrial family that serves the nation ... United States Steel. Look for our trademark ... U.S.S. ... on any steel product. It's your guide to quality steel.

MUSIC:

UP AND BIG BRIEFLY -- AND OUT UNDER----

BROKENSHIRE:

And now, as the lights go down at the Belasco Theatre in New York -- here is Elliott Reid speaking for the Theatre Guild, one of America's foremost theatrical producers.

REID:

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, (like a slightly delayed comic valentine) we are sending you a farce. It's called "THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD" by Augustin MacHugh and its only purpose is to make you laugh. To insure that, we are pleased to present three stars -- James Stewart, Josephine Hull and Colleen Gray....And with them Kenny Delmar and a fine company of kindred spirits. So to get quickly to the point of our story we raise the curtain on "THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD" adapted specially for us by Paddy Chayefsky and directed by Homer Fickett.

MUSIC:

-----THEN UNDER---

GEORGE:

My father, thank heavens, is not typical of the rest of the human race. My father, in case you don't know this, is a very successful lawyer. He's the Clark of Montgomery and Clark of Twenty-Five Broad Street, New York City. And he attributes his success to the fact that he is not typical of the rest of the human race. My father, to say the least, has a cynical turn of mind. My father always says:

FATHER:

Nice guys don't win ball games.

GEORGE:

Let's see, what else does my father always say? Oh, yes ... in re: kind hearts? What is your attitude in re: kind hearts, Dad?

FATHER:

The road to failure is paved with kind hearts.

GEORGE:

And ...

FATHER:

This is a dog-eat-dog world.

GEORGE:

And ...

FATHER:

The good die young.

GEORGE:

And, if they don't die young, what is it they certainly don't do, Dad?

FATHER:

They certainly don't win ball games.

GEORGE:

(FONDLY) That's my Dad!

MUSIC:

UP BRIEFLY, SEGUE INTO XMAS MUSIC UNDER

GEORGE:

The first day I went to work for my father was the day before Christmas 1949. It was eight o'clock in the morning, and my father was briefing me for my first case...

MUSIC:

OUT

FATHER:

Here are the papers, George. Put them in your briefcase.

SOUND:

RUSTLING OF PAPERS

FATHER:

This is your first case, and it's a simple assignment. It's a mortgage foreclosure.

GEORGE:

A mortgage foreclosure?

FATHER:

George boy, I hope the term isn't absolutely alien to you.

GEORGE:

No, it's ... uh...it's just that it's the day before Christmas, Dad, and it seems like a very strange day to foreclose mortgages on.

FATHER:

Really?

GEORGE:

Well, I mean why destroy this poor man's Christmas Eve? I mean...

FATHER:

It's a woman. Mrs. Jane Hudson.

GEORGE:

Well, I mean, a woman, she's probably decorating her Christmas tree now. I mean, it seems kind of unnecessarily mean. It's...uh..(PAUSE) Well, I'm sorry I interrupted you, Dad. What were you saying?

FATHER:

(PAUSE) You don't happen to know this woman, do you, George?

GEORGE:

No, no. I just feel sorry for her.

FATHER:

Well, that's very Christian of you, boy, but it's not exactly a very plausible attitude to take under the circumstances, is it?

GEORGE:

I guess not, Dad.

FATHER:

As you see here, this particular mortgage has a post-action date on January 6th, 1950. Do you know what a post-action date is?

GEORGE:

Yes, of course. A post-action date means ...

FATHER:

It means, if we don't serve the foreclosure papers before January 6th, we forfeit all rights to the land.

GEORGE:

Yes, I know that, Dad, I......

FATHER:

So you see that under the circumstances, we can regard Christmas as nothing more than a legal holiday.

GEORGE:

Shakespeare says the quality of mercy is not strained. It falleth.....

FATHER:

Shakespeare, George, is not one of our clients.

GEORGE:

Yes, of course, Dad.

FATHER:

And Montgomery and Clark are not The American Red Cross, and you are not Florence Nightingale. Our clients expect us to foreclose their mortgages for them, and in the offices of Montgomery and Clark, that means, "It Shall Be Done!"

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad.

FATHER:

George, it's all very well to talk about mercy and good will to men, but the only good will anybody ever gave me I paid for with very hard cash. And the only people who talk about mercy are the people who want it. And, I think you will find after a few years of practicing law that Christmas is nothing but a legal holiday and that Portia in the Merchant of Venice was really a very sheltered young lady.

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad.

FATHER:

George, the road to failure is paved with kind hearts...The good die young, and nice guys don't win ball games.

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad.

FATHER:

Well, I think you'd better hurry if you intend to catch your train. I've got to get to the office.

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

BUZZER

FATHER:

Yes, Miss Mitchell? ... All right, put him through.... Hello, Gallagher? This is Clark here.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) Hello, Clark, can you hear me?

FATHER:

Yes.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) Listen, Clark, have you foreclosed on that mortgage yet?

FATHER:

My son is on his way up to Hudsonville now.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) Then I can go ahead and sign the contract today?

FATHER:

Yes, I can advise you to go ahead and sign the contract.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) What's the name of that stuff again? Silicuh....silicuh....

FATHER:

Silicon phosphate chloride.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) Well, I can't say it, and I can't spell it, but I know it's going to be worth more than radium in about a year. Do you know how much that stuff is going to be worth an ounce as soon as the Food and Drug Bureau puts its seal of approval on it?

FATHER:

You have already explained its value to me, Mr. Gallagher.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) Okay. Then, I can go sign that contract today.

FATHER:

Yes. In fact, according to my watch, my son should just about now be registering in a Hudsonville hotel.....

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

DESK CLERK:

I'm sure you'll like your room very much, Mister-- uh-- uh--

GEORGE:

Clark ... Well, I won't go up and look at it now. You just have this suitcase put in the room, will you?

DESK CLERK:

Sure thing, Mister -- uh -- uh--

GEORGE:

Clark ... Now I wonder if you could tell me how to get to Twenty-Six Spindle Hill Road.

DESK CLERK:

Twenty-Six Spindle Hill Road. That's old Mrs. Hudson.

GEORGE:

Yeah.

DESK CLERK:

Old Mrs. Hudson. Her grandfather founded this town. That's why it's called Hudsonville because his name was Hudson-- so that's why it's called Hudsonville. He was a nutty old coot.

GEORGE:

Nutty?

DESK CLERK:

Oh, sure. He came here prospecting for oil. He dug a well and struck one of those underground springs. Began bottling the stuff and selling it as patent medicine. Claimed it made you feel better. It sure did. I took a swig of one of his bottles when I was a kid. Three parts gin, I think. You shoulda seen me staggering around kindergarten. The Federal Government finally made him stop for violating the law.

GEORGE:

The Food and Drug Act?

DESK CLERK:

Nope. Prohibition. He died in 1919. He was a hundred and three years old at the time. Kinda makes you stop and think, doesn't it?

GEORGE:

Yeah.

DESK CLERK:

Yeah, old Mrs. Hudson. She's a nice old lady, but she's screwier than her grandfather.

GEORGE:

Screwy?

DESK CLERK:

She keeps mice all over the place.

GEORGE:

What do you mean, she keeps mice all over the place?

DESK CLERK:

Some people keep cats and dogs. Well, old Missus Hudson, she keeps mice.

GEORGE:

You mean trained mice?

DESK CLERK:

No! Mice - Mice! Regular mice. The kind of mice you put out mousetraps for. She got little holes bored all along the floor in the walls. She puts cheese out for the mice to eat. She's a little screwy, you know what I mean?

GEORGE:

Regular mice.

DESK CLERK:

Yeah, she got names for them, too. Soames.

GEORGE:

Soames!

DESK CLERK:

Yeah, Soames. That's the one in her bedroom. That one's named after her husband. Then, there's Everett. Langston. Some names for mice, huh?

GEORGE:

Yes.

DESK CLERK:

Eccentric to say the least, ah? Eccentric. Listen, she's nuttier than a fruitcake. Well, listen it's harmless. Lonely old widow. Let her have her fun, huh?

GEORGE:

Widow?

DESK CLERK:

Yeah. Lives there all alone with Soames and the other mice and an orphan girl named Naomi. Nice girl. Works down at the railroad restaurant.

GEORGE:

Orphan?

DESK CLERK:

Yeah.

GEORGE:

(MUTTERING) A widow and an orphan. I'm going to have to foreclose a mortgage on a widow and an orphan. On Christmas Eve.

DESK CLERK:

You talking to me, Mister ... Mister ... Uh ... uh ... ?

GEORGE:

Scrooge. George P. Scrooge.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

KNOCK

MRS. HUDSON:

(OFF) Yes?

GEORGE:

Mrs. Jane Hudson, Twenty-Six Spindle Hill Road, Hudsonville, New York?

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MRS. HUDSON:

Yes?

GEORGE:

Missus Hudson, my name is Clark. I.....

MRS. HUDSON:

Please come in, Mr. Clark. It's quite cold, standing out here in the open doorway.

SOUND:

DOOR SHUT

MRS. HUDSON:

Now you follow me right down this hall here to the kitchen. It's the warmest room in the house and I'm putting up some tea. Would you like some tea, Mr. Clark? .... Now watch how you step by that door sill there, Mr. Clark. There's a lot of little pieces of cheese there on the floor, do you see?

GEORGE:

Yes, I do.

MRS. HUDSON:

I know you'll think this very strange of me, but I put that cheese there for the mice. And I must warn you not to be alarmed if suddenly one of them scampers out and drags the cheese away. Would you like some tea, Mr. Clark?

GEORGE:

Uh---no.

SOUND:

CUP AND SAUCER, WATER BEING POURED

MRS. HUDSON:

Of course, they might not come out because...

GEORGE:

They?

MRS. HUDSON:

The mice.

GEORGE:

Oh.

MRS. HUDSON:

Because you're a strange presence, and they might be frightened of you. They are not frightened of me any more. I have one in my bedroom who positively -- indolently -- takes his time crossing the room. I've named that one Soames because that was my husband's name.

SOUND:

CUP AND SAUCER PLACED ON TABLE

GEORGE:

No, please, Mrs. Hudson, I wish you weren't so hospitable to me.

MRS. HUDSON:

I have so very few callers during the year, Mr. Clark, and it is a real treat for me to have tea with someone. So, please.

GEORGE:

The truth of the matter, Mrs. Hudson, I've come here on a very unpleasant business, and it embarrasses me to be treated so kindly.

MRS. HUDSON:

(URGENTLY) I am not very well, and I get out of the house very little, Mr. Clark, so please do sit down and have tea and talk for a little while with me.

GEORGE:

(KINDLY) Of course, Mrs. Hudson.

MRS. HUDSON:

Oh, that's very nice of you, Mister Clark! Now, you drink your tea before it gets cold. Do you want cream or lemon?

GEORGE:

No, just plain is fine.

MRS. HUDSON:

Now, I'll pour myself a cup.

SOUND:

CUP AND SAUCER, HOT WATER BEING POURED

MRS. HUDSON:

Oh, there goes one now!

GEORGE:

What?

MRS. HUDSON:

One of the mice. You missed him. They're very quick. I am very attached to my mice, Mr. Clark. You can become attached to very strange things when you are lonely.

GEORGE:

Yes, I suppose so, Mrs. Hudson.

MRS. HUDSON:

Now, you told me you had some unpleasant business for me. Would you like to tell me about it? Has something happened to my son, Michael?

GEORGE:

No, Mrs. Hudson.

MRS. HUDSON:

(AGITATED) Or Naomi?

GEORGE:

No, it's not that, It's ... It's ... It's nothing at all, Mrs. Hudson. Drink your tea, Mrs. Hudson, before it gets cold.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

TELEPHONE DIAL

GEORGE:

Hello, Dad!

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Yes?

GEORGE:

This is George. I'm calling from a drugstore here in Hudsonville. Can you hear me?

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Yes, what is it?

GEORGE:

Listen, Dad, I've just been to see that old lady, Mrs. Hudson.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Yes?

GEORGE:

Dad! She's an old widow! She lives there with an orphan! A widow and an orphan, Dad! She's a lonely old lady, Dad! She spends all her time feeding Swiss cheese to mice!

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Did you serve the papers on her?

GEORGE:

What?

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Did you serve the papers on her?

GEORGE:

I'm trying to explain to you....

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) George!

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) I want those papers served by tonight! Do you hear me!

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) It is absolutely essential to the interests of our client that those papers be served before tonight! And, in the office of Montgomery and Clark, that means It Shall Be Done! Do you understand me?

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Now, what did you say about Swiss cheese?

GEORGE:

(SADLY) Nothing. Nothing, Dad.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

KNOCK

MRS. HUDSON:

(OFF) Yes?

GEORGE:

Mrs. Jane Hudson, Twenty-Six Spindle Hill Road?

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MRS. HUDSON:

Why, Mr. Clark! Please come in.

GEORGE:

Mrs. Hudson, I am an attorney authorized to serve these foreclosure papers on you. Unless you can remit sixteen thousand dollars to my client by January 6th, 1950, you must vacate the premises.

MRS. HUDSON:

I'm afraid I don't understand.

GEORGE:

There's nothing to understand. Your mortgage is being foreclosed.

MRS. HUDSON:

But...but...but I haven't got sixteen thousand dollars. I haven't got any money at all.

GEORGE:

Mrs. Hudson....

MRS. HUDSON:

You can't be serious, Mr. Clark.

GEORGE:

Mrs. Hudson....

MRS. HUDSON:

(BROKENLY) What shall I do? I have no money. Where shall I go? (CRYING) Oh, dear.. oh, dear...

GEORGE:

(KINDLY) You'd better get inside, Mrs. Hudson. There's quite a draft blowing on you with the door open. Goodbye, Mrs. Hudson.... Merry Christmas. Yeah, sure, Merry Christmas...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

DINER NOISES

GEORGE:

Gimme another cup of coffee.

NAOMI:

(CALLING) Draw one.

GEORGE:

When did you say the next train leaves for New York?

NAOMI:

About five minutes.

SOUND:

GIRL'S FOOTSTEPS GOING AWAY

GEORGE:

(MUMBLING TO HIMSELF) Well, I did it. I foreclosed a mortgage. I have reduced an old widow to tears. Maybe there's a couple of orphan children I can evict from a tenement.

SOUND:

APPROACHING GIRL'S FOOTSTEPS

NAOMI:

Here's your coffee.

SOUND:

CUP AND SAUCER ON TABLE

GEORGE:

Thanks.

NAOMI:

What are you mumbling to yourself about? Did you have a fight with your girl?

GEORGE:

I don't have a girl. I have a father.

NAOMI:

My father died when I was one year old.

GEORGE:

Boy, you're lucky. Lemme tell you.

NAOMI:

My mother died when I was two.

GEORGE:

I just foreclosed a mortgage on an old widow, you know that?

NAOMI:

Oh, really?

P.A. SYSTEM:

Local to White Plains, Scarsdale, Larchmont, and One Hundred and Twenty-Fifth Street and Grand Central Station. At the platform now.

GEORGE:

Well, I guess I better be going.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGING

NAOMI:

Excuse me. (SOUND: PHONE OFF HOOK) Hello? Railroad Restaurant..Oh, hello, Mrs. Wallander. What is it?

GEORGE:

How much do I owe you? I had six cups of coffee.

NAOMI:

Excuse me a minute, Mrs. Wallander...That's sixty cents.

SOUND:

CHANGE BEING BOUNCED ON COUNTER

GEORGE:

Well, I'll see you...

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

NAOMI:

Okay, Mrs. Wallander, now what did you say was wrong with Mrs. Hudson? What mortgage? Who's going to foreclose the mortgage?...Well, what did he look like? .... Mrs. Wallander, you tell Mrs. Hudson I'll be home in a couple of minutes. (SOUND: PHONE ON CRADLE) Hey! Where did he go?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

[page missing]

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN AND SHUT - FOOTSTEPS OUT

GEORGE:

Gimme another cup of coffee.

NAOMI:

What happened? Did you miss your train?

GEORGE:

I wanted to miss my train. I don't know what we can do to save the old homestead, but I just can't go off leaving that old lady crying like that. Come on, let's go.

NAOMI:

Do you want that coffee?

GEORGE:

No. But gimme a Swiss cheese sandwich. We'll bring something home for Soames.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

NAOMI:

Now, Mrs. Hudson, you just lie still in bed there. Mr. Clark doesn't mind if you stay in bed, do you, Mr. Clark?

GEORGE:

No, you just stay in bed, Mrs. Hudson. Now, Mrs. Hudson, we can save your land, but ...

MRS. HUDSON:

Naomi, could you put this cheese there by Soames' hole?

NAOMI:

Of course, Mrs. Hudson.

GEORGE:

Mrs. Hudson, stop worrying about Soames. You've got to worry about yourself. Now, I want you to concentrate.

MRS. HUDSON:

Yes, Mr. Clark.

GEORGE:

Now, we can save your land and your home if we could transfer the title of the ownership to somebody else who would be very difficult to locate. Because, you understand, Mrs. Hudson, in order to foreclose a mortgage you have to serve papers on the owner of the land.

NAOMI:

You do understand that, don't you, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON:

Yes, of course I do, Naomi.

GEORGE:

Now, in your particular case, Mrs. Hudson, if they can't find the owner of the land before January 6th, then they forfeit all their rights to foreclosure on your land. So, you see you have to think of somebody whom it would be impossible to locate before January Sixth.

NAOMI:

How about Michael, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON:

Naomi, I would rather the mortgage be foreclosed than sign this land over to my son.

GEORGE:

Mrs. Hudson, I am sure you have very good reason for feeling about your son the way you do, but he might be just the feller we want to transfer the title to.

MRS. HUDSON:

Oh! There he goes!

GEORGE:

Who?

MRS. HUDSON:

Soames. He just fetched in his cheese.

GEORGE:

(IRRITATED) Soames .. (THOUGHTFULLY) Soames? .. (PAUSE) ... Well, why not? Soames.

NAOMI:

Did you say something, Mr. Clark?

GEORGE:

Mrs. Hudson, why don't you sign your land over to Soames?

MRS. HUDSON:

Why, I don't know, it's...

NAOMI:

To a mouse!

GEORGE:

Why not? People have legally deeded property to cats and dogs. Why not to a mouse?

MRS. HUDSON:

It seems a little bizarre to me, Mr. Clark.

GEORGE:

Mrs. Hudson, there is no reason in the world why you can't transfer property to a pet. Believe me, in the world of business, stranger things have happened than that. I knew a man once transferred the title of his land to Adolf Hitler in order to avoid foreclosure. There. That's even a better precedent. There's a case of a man transferring title to a rat...Uh..Rat..Ah, that's sort of a joke ... you see. Pretty good, huh....Well, I think I could argue this case very effectively in court.

NAOMI:

I think it's a very funny idea.

GEORGE:

(ENTHUSIASTICALLY) I think it's a corker!

MRS. HUDSON:

Well, I ... I ...

GEORGE:

We'll draw the paper up right now. Then you call a notary to witness your signature. Give Soames another piece of cheese. He's a landowner.

NAOMI:

Oh, this is wonderful.

GEORGE:

And a merry Christmas to us one and all, Tiny Tim!

MRS. HUDSON:

You are a very clever young man, Mr. Clark.

GEORGE:

Well, I must tell you, I think this is going to work, I ...

NAOMI:

I think you're wonderful.

GEORGE:

You do?

MRS. HUDSON:

Your father must be very proud of you, Mr. Clark.

GEORGE:

(LONG PAUSE) Aaaaaahhhhh...I never thought of that.

MUSIC:

END OF ACT ONE

BROKENSHIRE:

You are listening to the Theatre Guild on the Air, presented by United States Steel, the industrial family that serves the nation.

SHOW MUSIC:

INTRO TO ACT -- DOWN TO

REID:

And now the curtain rises on the Second Act of "THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD" starring James Stewart as George, Josephine Hull as Mrs. Hudson, Coleen Gray as Naomi and Kenny Delmar as Mr. Clark.

GEORGE:

Well, an hour later and everything was all over with. The notary came and Mrs. Hudson signed the transfer of title, and the notary went off to file it with the County Clerk. And I went downstairs with Naomi to have a cup of coffee....

MUSIC:

OUT

NAOMI:

Honestly, I don't know why you're so gloomy. You just did a very nice and noble thing. You should be very proud of yourself.

GEORGE:

Yeah.

NAOMI:

You're another Sidney Carton.

GEORGE:

Sidney Carton got his head chopped off at the end of the book.

NAOMI:

Nobody is going to chop your head off.

GEORGE:

That's what you think. Well, I guess I ought to go call my father.

NAOMI:

The phone's right out there in the hall.

GEORGE:

I know the phone's right out there in the hall. But what am I gonna tell my father? I'm gonna tell him Mrs. Hudson transferred the title to a mouse. My father's not the sort of chap who would find that amusing. Then my father's gonna check on the date of the transfer, and then he's gonna figure out that I was up here a good couple of hours before the title was transferred. Then, he's gonna put two and two together, and then you know what?

NAOMI:

What?

GEORGE:

I'm gonna get my head chopped off like Sidney Carton.

NAOMI:

Doesn't you father know it's Christmas?

GEORGE:

To my father, Christmas is nothing but a legal holiday. My father says the only way to get ahead in this world is to be mean and ruthless.

NAOMI:

Your father sounds like it's better to be an orphan.

GEORGE:

Oh, actually, he's not as bad as I make out. He's just a little distorted about things like Christmas. Say, what's Mrs. Hudson hate her son Michael for?

NAOMI:

Oh. Oh, well, he was the kind of guy you either hate or love.

GEORGE:

And she hates him, huh?

NAOMI:

Yeah.

GEORGE:

How do you feel about him?

NAOMI:

(PAUSE) I'm married to him, you know.

GEORGE:

No, I didn't know.

NAOMI:

Yes, I'm married to him. He was kind of wild. After four years in an orphan asylum, I guess you fall in love with anything wild. I don't know. He was the first guy I knew. I guess you never get over the first guy. Well, listen, don't get me talking about him.

GEORGE:

Would you like to?

NAOMI:

I haven't talked about him for a long time. I have a funny feeling I'll start crying if I do. He was pretty mean, George. He didn't leave me very many nice things to remember, but there were a couple of nice times and those are the times that make me cry.

GEORGE:

Well, go ahead and tell me.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FADE IN A FEW SOBS OF A GOOD CRYING JAG

GEORGE:

Well, if he disappeared eight years ago, Naomi, you're not really married to him any more. Seven years, that's desertion. That's New York State law.

NAOMI:

Well, I certainly poured out my heart to you, didn't I?

GEORGE:

Are you embarrassed?

NAOMI:

No. No, I'm not. There's something awfully decent about you, George. I... I... You better go call your father, George. It's almost noon.

GEORGE:

Yeah, I... uh....

NAOMI:

George?

GEORGE:

Yeah?

NAOMI:

George, seven years, is that the law?

GEORGE:

That's the law, that's it. Well, I guess I better go call my father.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Hello? .... Hello.....?

GEORGE:

Hello? Hello, Dad? Can you hear me? This is George.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Yes, I can hear you.

GEORGE:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) Is everything all right?

GEORGE:

Well, there's a sort of a snag I've run across.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) What snag?

GEORGE:

Mrs. Hudson has transferred title to somebody else.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) When did that happen? There was no record of transfer on her mortgage when I sent you up there this morning.

GEORGE:

Well, it must have happened very recently.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) It sounds pretty fishy to me. It sounds like she's got a shady lawyer. Who's her lawyer?

GEORGE:

What?

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) I said, who's her lawyer?

GEORGE:

Aaaahhhhhh....

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) What did you say?

GEORGE:

Listen, Dad. I'm not very good at this kind of deception. I'm the shady lawyer.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) What?

GEORGE:

I said, I'm the one who advised her to transfer the tile.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) What did you say?

GEORGE:

I said, Dad, it's Christmas, for Pete's sake.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) What are you talking about?

GEORGE:

Dad, it's an old widow, sixty years old. An orphan girl. If you could have heard the hard life she's had.

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) A sixty-year-old orphan girl. What are you jittering about?

GEORGE:

I'm trying to tell you. I just didn't have the heart to foreclose.

FATHER:

(PAUSE, ON FILTER) Did you say you were the lawyer who advised her to transfer title?

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad... (PAUSE) Dad?..... (PAUSE) Dad, you still on?

FATHER:

(PAUSE, ON FILTER) George...

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad?

FATHER:

(ON FILTER) I'm taking the next train up to Hudsonville. I should be there by one o'clock. I want you to meet me at the station.

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

SUPERMARKET NOISES...HUSTLE & BUSTLE...WOMEN'S VOICES, AD LIBS..."EXCUSE ME, BUT I WAS IN FRONT OF YOU" ... "WELL, YOU SHOULDNA LEFT YOUR PLACE" ... "I JUST WENT TO GET A POUND OF BUTTER" ... CASH REGISTER NOISES, ETC. DOWN AND UNDER

GEORGE:

(COMING ON) Well, Naomi, I got the butter, the eggs, the bread, the napkins, the potatoes, the onions, the pepper, the ...

NAOMI:

George, my goodness, you don't have to carry all those bundles. Why don't you get one of those little wire carts over there? Haven't you ever shopped in a Supermarket before?

GEORGE:

What little wire carts? You mean, this little baby carriage here?

NAOMI:

That's not a baby carriage. That's a shopping cart.

SOUND:

SQUEALING WHEELS OF SUPERMARKET CART UNDER

GEORGE:

This one squeaks.

NAOMI:

Can you reach up and get that bag of flour for me, George?

GEORGE:

(STRETCHING AND GRUNTING) I feel like a husband.

NAOMI:

How is it you're not married, George?

GEORGE:

Nobody ever asked me.

NAOMI:

You're supposed to do the asking, George.

GEORGE:

Okay, will you marry me?

NAOMI:

(PAUSE) That isn't funny.

GEORGE:

I don't think I meant to be funny.

NAOMI:

(PAUSE) George, you better get down to the station. It's after one o'clock, and your father must be waiting for you.

GEORGE:

I'm not going down to meet my father. He'll make me spend the rest of the afternoon with him, and I was kind of working up to suggesting that I spend the rest of the afternoon with you.

NAOMI:

What do you feel like doing?

GEORGE:

Walk. Talk. It's a nice day. What do you feel like doing?

NAOMI:

Walk-talk sounds all right to me.

GEORGE:

I'm going to tell you something.

NAOMI:

What?

GEORGE:

Of course, I'm not very experienced at this sort of thing, but....

NAOMI:

What sort of thing, George?

GEORGE:

I really have very meager precedent to base this decision on, but, from all the evidence, I think I'm in love with you.

SOUND:

SUPERMARKET NOISES UP BRIEFLY UNDER.. PAUSE

NAOMI:

(SUDDENLY) George, I'm going to run home and get rid of these bundles, and ...

GEORGE:

Yeah, and I'll run down to the hotel and get showered and shaved and...

NAOMI:

I'll meet you right here in front of the supermarket at two o'clock.

GEORGE:

It's a date.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS, KNOCK

NAOMI:

(CALLING) Missus Hudson! You want to open the door? I have my arms filled with bundles.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

NAOMI:

Hello, Mrs. Hudson. We got everything. I'm going to bake a cake tonight. I bought a bag of flour. (PAUSE) Is something wrong, Missus Hudson? You look pale... (PAUSE)

MRS. HUDSON:

Naomi ... Michael is here.

NAOMI:

(PAUSE) Where is he?

MRS. HUDSON:

He's upstairs in his old room.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

KNOCK

NAOMI:

Michael! Can I come in? (PAUSE) Michael! ...

MICHAEL:

(WAY OFF) Come in. Come in. I'm shaving.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN AND SHUT. ELECTRIC RAZOR BG AND UNDER

MICHAEL:

Who is that, Naomi?

NAOMI:

Yes.

MICHAEL:

(OFF) Sit down on the bed. I'll be right out.

SOUND:

BEDSPRINGS CREAKING. PAUSE. UP ELECTRIC RAZOR NOISES OUT

NAOMI:

(PAUSE) Why did you come back? We had forgotten all about you. We had just about got to the point where we could think of you without our hearts aching. We were just beginning to enjoy ourselves, Mrs. Hudson and me. What do you want of us?

MICHAEL:

(OFF) I need money.

NAOMI:

We haven't got any money.

MICHAEL:

(OFF) You've got more than I've got.

NAOMI:

I have about two hundred dollars in the bank. If we give you the money, will you go away?

MICHAEL:

(OFF) Sure.

NAOMI:

(HALTINGLY) How have you been?

MICHAEL:

(OFF) Fine. Hand me that bathrobe on the chair, Naomi.

NAOMI:

Here.

MICHAEL:

(OFF) Thanks. I'll be out in a minute. (PAUSE) Hello, Naomi.

NAOMI:

(WHISPER) Hello, Michael....

MICHAEL:

How long has it been? Eight years? Did you ever think of me, Naomi?

NAOMI:

How can I think of anything else? (SUDDENLY SOBBING) Oh, Michael! Michael!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

MAN WHISTLING A CHRISTMAS SONG HAPPILY TO HIMSELF OUT. BANGING ON DESK

GEORGE:

Hello! Hello! Desk Clerk!

DESK CLERK:

(OFF) Just a minute...(COMING ON) Ah, Mr. Scrooge.

GEORGE:

Gimme my key.

DESK CLERK:

Here you are, Mr. Scrooge.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS GOING UPSTAIRS, MAN WHISTLING TO HIMSELF UNDER HIS BREATH. FOOTSTEPS OUT. KEY IN LOCK. DOOR OPEN. WHISTLING UP.

FATHER:

Hello, George.

SOUND:

WHISTLING OUT

GEORGE:

(PAUSE) Hello, Dad. How'd you know I was here?

FATHER:

There's only one hotel in town.

GEORGE:

Well, Dad, I want you to be the first to know. I'm in love.

FATHER:

Well, George, I want you to be the first to know. You're fired.

GEORGE:

Well, I consider that a fair trade.

FATHER:

Where's all the papers on this woman?

GEORGE:

There's my briefcase right over there on the table. You don't mind if I wash up while you're going over those papers, do you?

SOUND:

WHISTLING AGAIN. SPLASHING OF WATER IN BASIN UNDER

FATHER:

Who'd she transfer the title to?

GEORGE:

(OFF, RAISING HIS VOICE) What did you say, Dad?

FATHER:

I said, who did she transfer the title to?

GEORGE:

Soames.

FATHER:

Soames who?

GEORGE:

Soames. Just plain Soames. Like Garbo. One name. Dad, excuse me, but you're sitting on my suitcase.

FATHER:

Oh, I'm sorry.

GEORGE:

I want to put on a new shirt. I got a date with this girl, Dad. She's wonderful. Kind-hearted. Sweet-natured. You'd hate her.

FATHER:

Who's this Soames?

GEORGE:

(PAUSE) Dad, I got a good shock for you, so I want you to get a good hold on the bed, so you won't fall over and hit the floor. This Soames, Dad, is a mouse.

FATHER:

What do you mean?

GEORGE:

A mouse, Dad. A little grey mouse. I don't know how you can foreclose on Soames unless you can talk some cat into serving the subpoena.

FATHER:

George boy, are you serious?

GEORGE:

You bet your life I'm serious. I think it's legal.

FATHER:

I think it's fraudulent and deceitful practice and you may very well find yourself up before the Bar Association tomorrow morning.

GEORGE:

Tomorrow's Christmas.

FATHER:

George...

GEORGE:

Which, I might add, is a legal holiday.

FATHER:

George, I don't like this petulant rebellion of yours.

GEORGE:

Dad, I got another shock for you. I happen to think that nice guys win ball games, and the good live as long as they care to, and the way to get ahead in this world is to be decent, considerate of other people, and understanding.

FATHER:

(ROARING) George! Sit down!

SOUND:

SQUEAKING OF MATTRESS

GEORGE:

I'm sitting down, Dad, but I want you to know the only reason I'm doing it is I have to change my socks.

FATHER:

George boy, I'm sorry I raised my voice to you.

GEORGE:

That's okay, Dad.

FATHER:

I believe that's the first time I ever raised my voice to you.

GEORGE:

Yes, I think that's true, Dad.

FATHER:

You seem to be in a very cavalier frame of mind, George. There's nothing to be cavalier about. You've put me in a devil of a fry..(SUDDENLY CHUCKLING) ... Really, George, a mouse.

GEORGE:

The comedy of it appeals to you then?

FATHER:

It has its charm. But I can't see what you hope to achieve by it. I shall have the woman declared insane.

GEORGE:

She's not insane; she's lonely.

FATHER:

A literary distinction, George. I shall have a psychiatrist up here from New York in an hour.

GEORGE:

The trouble with you, Dad, is you've been foreclosing mortgages too long. You've forgotten your law. You file suit against this woman's insanity, and I'll appeal it. I don't care if you bring Sigmund Freud up here from New York. I'll appeal it. I'll appeal it in the Court of Appeals, and then I'll appeal it in the Appellate Division. Then I'll appeal it in the Circuit Court of Appeals, and then I'll appeal it in the United States Supreme Court. And by the time I finish appealing it, either you'll be dead, or Mrs. Hudson'll be dead, or the mouse'll be dead.

FATHER:

Good boy, good. No corpus delicti.

GEORGE:

And another thing. You can't declare this woman insane without having her committed by a member of her immediate family and the only living member of her immediate family disappeared eight years ago and hasn't been heard of since. What are you fighting so hard over this lousy twenty acres for anyway, Dad?

FATHER:

It is in the interest of my client that this mortgage be foreclosed before tonight, and...

GEORGE:

Yes, I know...I know...

FATHER:

...in the offices of Montgomery and Clark...

GEORGE:

It shall be done! I know!

FATHER:

Yes!

GEORGE:

Well, I ain't gonna let you do it!

FATHER:

(ROARING) GEORGE!

GEORGE:

(ALSO ROARING) WHAT?

FATHER:

(PAUSE, SUDDENLY QUIET) George, I'll give you ten thousand dollars to drop this whole case.

GEORGE:

Ten thousand dollars dollars!

FATHER:

Yes.

GEORGE:

It's a lousy twenty acres and a beat up old house with a lot of mice in it. It's got two mortgages on it. What is it, oil? This isn't oil country.

FATHER:

All right, George, listen to me. My client is a very large drug concern. There happens to be a mineral spring on this land ... Is something the matter, George?

GEORGE:

(PAUSE) Not that underground gin!!

FATHER:

Whatever it is, the Federal Bureau of Drugs and Pharmaceuticals has been conducting exhaustive experiments on this liquid, and it contains silicon phosphate chloride, a rather unusual compound, which, in its distilled state, is the most beneficial form of anesthetic ever discovered.

GEORGE:

Yeah! Even in its undistilled state, I hear it packs quite a wallop.

FATHER:

George, my client is probably at this moment signing a contract with a large drug distribution agency, and he is doing so on my advice. Unless that land is legally his by tonight, he will have committed a fraudulent contract, and Montgomery and Clark will have been guilty of advising a client falsely. I will pay you ten thousand dollars to keep Montgomery and Clark's name clean.

GEORGE:

You're a pretty clever old fox, do you know that, Dad?

FATHER:

Really?

GEORGE:

You knew just where to hit me. In my kind heart. I never thought I would live to see the day where you could make me feel sorry for you, but it seems I have lived to see the day.

FATHER:

Well, George, what do you say?

GEORGE:

I just want you to know that you are asking me for my mercy and good will, something you said never existed.

FATHER:

I am not asking you for your mercy, George. I am paying you ten thousand dollars for it.

GEORGE:

I don't want your ten thousand dollars.

FATHER:

George...I can get you disbarred for any number of things you've done today. I can cut you off without a penny and see to it that you don't work in New York again. And I'm offering you ten thousand dollars.

GEORGE:

Dad, I got a date at two o'clock, and I'm going to be late.

FATHER:

George!

SOUND:

DOOR SLAM

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

MAN WHISTLING GAY XMAS TUNE

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CHURCH BELLS BG THREE TIMES

SOUND:

MAN WHISTLING XMAS TUNE NOT SO GAILY

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CHURCH BELLS BG FOUR TIMES

SOUND:

MAN WHISTLING SLOWLY, DOLEFULLY OUT

MUSIC:

SAD BRIDGE

SOUND:

TELEPHONE DIALING

MRS. HUDSON:

(ON FILTER) Hello?

GEORGE:

Hello? Hello?

MRS. HUDSON:

(ON FILTER) Hello?

GEORGE:

Hello. Who's this, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON:

(ON FILTER) Yes.

GEORGE:

This is Mr. Clark. I've been calling you all afternoon. Where has everybody been?

MRS. HUDSON:

(ON FILTER, BROKENLY) Dear Mister Clark...dear Mister Clark...

GEORGE:

What's wrong, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON:

(ON FILTER) My son Michael has come home.

GEORGE:

What?

MRS. HUDSON:

(ON FILTER) He wanted money, and we went down to the bank, and Naomi drew out all her savings and gave it to him. And then he went away.

GEORGE:

Well, where's Naomi?

MRS. HUDSON:

(ON FILTER) I'm afraid...she's gone with him. (PAUSE) Mr. Clark, she's going to go away with him. They're down at the station now, Mr. Clark! (AGITATED) Go find her, Mr. Clark! They're at the station! Go to her! Plead with her! Tell her not to go with him! He's not good! He's not good! He's mean!

GEORGE:

(PAUSE, BITTERLY) The mean will inherit the earth, Mrs. Hudson, and the good die young. This is a dog-eat-dog world, and the road to failure is paved with kind hearts.

MRS. HUDSON:

(ON FILTER, AGITATED) Mr. Clark! Mr. Clark!

SOUND:

CLICK

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

GEORGE:

Dad.

FATHER:

George, there's a psychiatrist on his way up from New York right now, and I've been drawing up this warrant of incompetence for Mrs. Hudson. You can make this all very easy for me, George, and that ten thousand dollars is still an offer.

GEORGE:

You got a customer. I think I can take you to Mrs. Hudson's son, Michael.

FATHER:

Will he commit his mother to an institution?

GEORGE:

From what I heard of him, he'd commit himself for ten bucks. He's probably the meanest man in the world excepting for you, Dad ... and me.

FATHER:

That's my boy.

GEORGE:

That's my Dad.

MUSIC:

END OF ACT TWO

BROKENSHIRE:

You are listening to the Theatre Guild on the Air presented by United States Steel, the industrial family that serves the nation.

MUSIC:

THEME

BROKENSHIRE:

We pause now for station identification.

SOUND:

TEN SECOND PAUSE

MUSIC:

SHOW MUSIC

REID:

And now the curtain rises on the Third Act of "THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD" starring Jimmy Stewart, Josephine Hull, and Coleen Gray with Kenny Delmar.

MUSIC:

THEN UNDER

SOUND:

RAILROAD STATION NOISES AND UNDER ... FOOTSTEPS OUT

GEORGE:

That's the girl over there, Dad.

FATHER:

The rather pretty brunette girl, George?

GEORGE:

And the fellow with her, I suppose, must be Michael. Look, Dad, I'd rather not see the girl right now. Would you mind making the appointment with Michael Hudson yourself?

FATHER:

No, not at all, George.

GEORGE:

I'll meet you back at the hotel.

FATHER:

All right, George.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS THEN OUT

FATHER:

Excuse me, are you Michael Hudson?

MICHAEL:

(PAUSE) Why?

FATHER:

I'm an attorney. My name is Clark of Montgomery and Clark of New York City.

NAOMI:

You're George's father.

FATHER:

Yes. Mr. Hudson, I'd like to talk to you about a matter that will bring you in a good sum of money.

MICHAEL:

How much?

NAOMI:

Michael, the train's gonna be in about ten minutes.

MICHAEL:

He said a good sum of money, Naomi. What's a good sum of money, Mister Clark?

FATHER:

I might leave that definition to you, Mr. Hudson.

MICHAEL:

What do I have to do?

FATHER:

Why don't we go to my hotel room so that we can talk?

NAOMI:

Michael...

MICHAEL:

Naomi, don't be so nervous. He said he's gonna leave the definition of a good sum of money up to me. Okay, Mister Clark.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

FATHER:

I think I've explained the matter to Mr. Hudson quite clearly, don't you, George?

GEORGE:

Yes, very clearly.

FATHER:

It is clear, isn't it, Mr. Hudson?

MICHAEL:

Yeah. All I have to do is go down with you to the Courthouse and swear my old lady's nuts, is that right?

FATHER:

Yes. George, stop pacing around like that. What's the matter with you?

GEORGE:

I feel lousy.

MICHAEL:

And now we have reached the point where I am supposed to define what a good sum of money is.

FATHER:

How much do you want?

MICHAEL:

Ten thousand dollars.

FATHER:

I'll give you a thousand.

MICHAEL:

Cash.

FATHER:

I haven't got cash on me.

MICHAEL:

I want cash.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGING

FATHER:

Answer that phone, George.

GEORGE:

Yes, Dad.

FATHER:

And then call Mr. Williams at the office. Tell him to bring a thousand dollars in bills up here immediately.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGING. OUT

GEORGE:

Hello? Hello? This is George Clark. Oh...Send him up...Dad...

FATHER:

Yes, George.

GEORGE:

The psychiatrist is on his way up...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

PSYCHIATRIST:

Well, Mr. Clark...

FATHER:

Yes, Doctor?

PSYCHIATRIST:

From what you and Mr. Hudson here have told me, I would say casually that the woman is zo-ophilic, the patient being governed by a dominant compulsion of withdrawal seeking their psychic perspective in a pathologically self-created world; in short, the familiar Freudian concept we call neurotische [zelest-verlegung?]. --do you know German? Unfortunate...so we have images usually drawn from deep associations with long-repressed dominant-aggressive instincts, thus channeled into unnatural passages of behavior. Is that all clear to you, Mr. Clark?

FATHER:

Yes.

PSYCHIATRIST:

It is?

FATHER:

Yes.

PSYCHIATRIST:

Well, explain it to me. I got lost somewhere in the middle there and have no idea what I was talking about.

FATHER:

It means that this woman is legally insane and incompetent to take care of her own affairs.

PSYCHIATRIST:

Oh.

FATHER:

It's getting late, Doctor. I think we'd better get over to examine the old lady.

PSYCHIATRIST:

Well, I'm afraid I'll have to ask Mr. Hudson here some more questions about his mother.

FATHER:

All right, but hurry up.... George! George, where are you going?

GEORGE:

I'm going downstairs to the cocktail lounge. I feel lousy.

SOUND:

DOOR SLAM

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

BAR NOISES. TINKLING OF GLASSES. SOUSED QUARTET BG WARBLING CHRISTMAS CAROL ... UNDER

NAOMI:

Hello, George.

GEORGE:

Hello, Naomi.

NAOMI:

What does your father want with Michael?

GEORGE:

He wants him to swear out a warrant of incompetency, declaring that his mother is insane, and that therefore any contract she has signed is null and void.

NAOMI:

(PAUSE) And Michael must have thought that was a dandy idea, didn't he?

GEORGE:

Yeah.

NAOMI:

How much is getting for it?

GEORGE:

A thousand dollars. (PAUSE) Well, what are you looking at me for? He's your husband, not mine.

NAOMI:

What do you mean, my husband?

GEORGE:

Well, I can only assume that...

NAOMI:

He left me eight years ago. That's desertion. That's the New York State Law, isn't it?

GEORGE:

Naomi...

NAOMI:

Well, isn't it New York State Law? You told me it was.

GEORGE:

It's New York State Law all right. If, for a period of seven years or more...

NAOMI:

You mean...Well, what are we standing around for? Let's go!

[page missing]

GEORGE:

Don't you understand, Mrs. Hudson? They're going to try and prove you're insane.

MRS. HUDSON:

Why, I don't believe I am insane. Do you, Naomi?

NAOMI:

No, of course, we don't, Mrs. Hudson.

MRS. HUDSON:

Then how do they intend to prove it?

GEORGE:

Well, quite frankly, Mrs. Hudson, to anybody just walking in here cold, all these mice, and -- well, it would seem eccentric.

MRS. HUDSON:

But I do like mice, Mr. Clark.

SOUND:

TAXI OFF PULLING IN

NAOMI:

I think they're here. A taxi just pulled up in front of the house.

[page missing]

GEORGE:

(CONT'D) This is the only way I can help you. This is not just a legal issue of insanity. Your son Michael is going to commit you, and that means I'll have to fight this case in Surrogate's Court, instead of Civil Court which means that...it's much too complicated to explain now, Mrs. Hudson, but please do what I tell you.

MRS. HUDSON:

I'm sure you are making too much out of this psychiatrist. I am sure that he will see that this is just a little eccentricity of an old, lonely woman...

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR CLAPPER OFF

NAOMI:

They're here.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

PSYCHIATRIST:

Now, Mrs. Hudson...

MRS. HUDSON:

Yes, Doctor?

PSYCHIATRIST:

You say you have even given some of these mice names.

MRS. HUDSON:

The ones I recognize.

PSYCHIATRIST:

They have individual personalities for you.

MRS. HUDSON:

Yes, they are quite different if you watch them long enough. The one right here in this room is a sort of casual fellow. He is my favorite, this one. Sometimes, when I am lying in bed, I sometimes think I hear him moving about on the floor, watching me, trying to figure me out. Just as you are doing right now, Doctor.

PSYCHIATRIST:

Yes. And you think of these mice almost as people.

MRS. HUDSON:

I think more highly of them than I do of most people I know.

PSYCHIATRIST:

You think more highly of them than of people?

MRS. HUDSON:

Yes. I have been watching my mice for many years, and, in all that time, I do not believe I have ever seen one mouse swindle another one or...

PSYCHIATRIST:

Yes, of course, Mrs. Hudson...but...

MRS. HUDSON:

..or get drunk and smash windows like those terrible young men down the block, and...

PSYCHIATRIST:

Ah, Mrs. Hudson...

MRS. HUDSON:

...and mice do not persecute smaller mice, Doctor. And I do not believe I have ever seen one mouse beat his wife, or rob a bank. And of course, I'm not sure, Doctor, but I do not think that mice have a need for psychiatrist mice or lawyer mice; or ...

PSYCHIATRIST:

Uhhhhh....

MRS. HUDSON:

Indeed, Doctor, many days, after I have read my paper and listened to my radio, I feel very relieved to sit quietly in my chair and enjoy the rather untroubled society of these lower animals.

PSYCHIATRIST:

(PAUSE) Uhhhh....Yes, I see. Well, let's go on.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CLOCK TICKING OUT

GEORGE:

(COMING ON) Oh, Dad...

FATHER:

What time is it, George?

GEORGE:

It's almost four o'clock. Oh, Dad, I have to tell you something...

FATHER:

That doctor's taking a long time in there. It's not going to leave me very long to get that warrant sworn out before the Court closes. Wait a minute, I think he's coming.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

FATHER:

Well, Doctor?

PSYCHIATRIST:

Mr. Clark, there is a Freudian concept called near-infantilism in the ebb-stage, which I myself dispute, but which causifies a certain phase of zo-ophilism which usually manifests itself in the love-image of small animals, this sublimatory transference being related to the outer-hunger-need of manic diffusion.

FATHER:

And what precisely does that mean?

PSYCHIATRIST:

Mr. Clark, we should all be as insane as that woman.

FATHER:

What are you talking about?

PSYCHIATRIST:

I'll be very honest with you, Mr. Clark. Sometimes, I myself don't know what I'm talking about, but I can tell you quite categorically, that, after listening all day long, six days a week, to the horrible emotional problems of our time, it was a pleasure to spend an hour with Mrs. Hudson.

FATHER:

I'm not paying you a fat fee to come all the way up from New York to enjoy this woman's company.

PSYCHIATRIST:

You are paying me a fat fee to determine her sanity. I'm telling you, she's sane.

FATHER:

Well, I guess I can find a quack who will sign a certificate for that woman.

SOUND:

TELEPHONE RINGING OFF - OUT

GEORGE:

There's the phone, Dad.

FATHER:

That must be Williams calling from the hotel.

GEORGE:

Hey, Dad, there's something I have to tell you...

PSYCHIATRIST:

Well. Goodbye, Mr. Clark. I'll send you a bill in the morning.

NAOMI:

(OFF, CALLING) Oh, Mr. Clark! There's a long distance phone call for you from a Mr. Gallagher...

FATHER:

Gallagher?...Oh...all right, I'm coming down... (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS GOING DOWN STAIRS UNDER--) And, young lady, you tell your husband to get his coat on. We're going right down to the Court House anyway.

NAOMI:

My husband's gone. Didn't George tell you?

GEORGE:

He wouldn't give me the chance.

FATHER:

What do you mean, he's gone?

NAOMI:

He just went out, didn't he, George?

GEORGE:

He sure did.

FATHER:

Where'd he go?

GEORGE:

Where did he say he was going, Naomi?

NAOMI:

He didn't say.

FATHER:

Well, what happened?

NAOMI:

I told him if he went down to the Court House and swore out a warrant for Mrs. Hudson, I'd go down with him and swear out a warrant for him in the next office.

FATHER:

What sort of a warrant could you swear out?

NAOMI:

For desertion.

GEORGE:

And for non-support, Dad. Do you remember, Dad, how his eyes lit up when you mentioned the word Cash to him? Well, at the sound of the word, non-support ....

FATHER:

But this girl can't sue him for non-support. They've been separated for eight years. It's not legal.

GEORGE:

Oh, we know that, but he didn't.

NAOMI:

Mr. Clark, you'd better answer your phone call.

FATHER:

All right. Give me the phone...Hello? Gallagher?

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) Hello, Clark?

FATHER:

Yes.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) Can you hear me?

FATHER:

Yes, I'm afraid I can, Mr. Gallagher.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) I've been trying to get aholda you all afternoon. I just got this number from your office. Clark, have you foreclosed that mortgage yet?

FATHER:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) Well, drop the whole thing, will you, Clark? I've been advised not to go through with this foreclosure.

FATHER:

You've been advised.... By another lawyer?

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) No, by my psychoanalyst.

FATHER:

By your what?

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) I've been suffering from very severe headaches these last few years, and my psychoanalyst says they're due to guilt complexes. And I was sitting here in the Blackstone Hotel, thinking about this mortgage, and, after all, it is Christmas, and I'm gonna drive some poor woman out of her home, and, before I knew it, I had worked myself up to another severe headache. So I called my analyst, and he advised me to drop the whole thing. I hope I haven't caused you too much inconvenience, Clark.

FATHER:

No, no, not at all. The truth of the matter is I'm rather glad you made this decision...Well, a Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Gallagher.

GALLAGHER:

(ON FILTER) A Merry Christmas to you, Clark.

SOUND:

CLICK-CLICK

FATHER:

(PAUSE, CALLING) Oh, George! ... George!

GEORGE:

(OFF) Yes, Dad?

FATHER:

Well, George, do you or do you not intend to marry this young woman here?

GEORGE:

Well, what do you say, Naomi?

NOAMI:

Well, in the words of Montgomery and Clark....

GEORGE:

(PAUSE) It shall be done.

MUSIC:

CODA

BROKENSHIRE:

The curtain has fallen in the Theatre Guild on the Air production of "THE MEANEST MAN IN THE WORLD" sponsored by the United States Steel Corp. We express our thanks to our stars James Stewart as George, Josephine Hull as Mrs. Hudson, Coleen Gray as Naomi and Kenny Delmar as Mr. Clark.

Our thanks also to the other members of our cast
As Michael, Stanley Prager
As the Psychologist, Elliott Reid
As Gallagher, King Calder
and
As the desk clerk, Cameron Andrews ---

And now here again is Elliott Reid with a word about next week's play.

REID:

Next week, ladies and gentlemen, the Theatre Guild on the Air will originate its program in Constitution Hall, Washington, D. C. with a broadcast of Charles Dickens' immortal classic -- "OLIVER TWIST". Our stars will be Basil Rathbone, Boris Karloff, Leueen McGrath and Melville Cooper supported by a splendid company of Broadway players. We shall present this broadcast from Washington, D. C. at the invitation of the American Red Cross to help inaugurate the 1952 Red Cross Fund Drive.

BROKENSHIRE:

At least ten million Americans today are suffering from some form of heart or blood vessel disease. These diseases take a greater toll of deaths than the next five leading causes of death combined. The American Heart Association is leading the attack against heart and blood vessel diseases...and recent important advances have led to the slogan "NEW HOPE FOR HEARTS". Write to the American Heart Association or your local Heart Association for free literature. And give to fight heart disease by sending your contribution to "HEART, CARE OF YOUR LOCAL POST OFFICE".

MUSIC:

THEME

BROKENSHIRE:

Remember, next week, on the U. S. Steel Hour "OLIVER TWIST" starring Basil Rathbone, Boris Karloff, Leueen McGrath and Melville Cooper.

And remember, too, that the trademark of United States Steel --- U.S.S. --- on any steel product is your guide to quality steel.

The Theatre Guild on the Air is under the supervision of Lawrence Langner and Theresa Helburn, with Armina Marshall executive producer. S. Mark Smith is Editor. Music was composed and conducted by Harold Levey.

Jimmy Stewart may currently be seen starring in the Cecil B. DeMille Technicolor production, "The Greatest Show on Earth".

Josephine Hull may currently be seen in Universal's picture "The Lady From Texas".

Coleen Gray may currently be seen in "Models, Inc."

Your announcer is NORMAN BROKENSHIRE.

The United States Steel Corporation hopes that you will be with us next Sunday at the same time.