Announcer:
(music) R-A-Y (music) V-E. (music) R-A-Y-V-E. Rayve Crème Shampoo presents Grand Marquee!
Music
Announcer:
Grand Marquee. Lighted by stars, twinkling, glowing, blazing, with myriad lights and colors against the night sky. Rayve Crème Shampoo’s mammoth billboard announces another exciting evening in the world of make-believe.
Music
Announcer:
Grand Marquee stars Olan Soule and features Beryl Vaughn in a hilarious story of love and confusion entitled “A Man’s Home is Her Castle.” And now a greeting from our young star, Olan Soule.
Applause
Olan Soule:
Thank you Kleve Kirby and on behalf of Rayve Crème Shampoo, I extend a hearty welcome to you all. W 10 GEC. Those are ham radio call letters. They sound simple and harmless enough, don’t they? Well, that’s what Dick Murray thought, but his wife had different ideas. But first…
Announcer:
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SFX: Rayve musical jingle
Announcer: Dick Murray is an amateur radio operator and his wife, Jane, collects tropical fish. Nice hobbies, both of them, except that Dick spends more time with his radio than he does with Jane. So, while he sits in their one room apartment busily tuning in, Jane is making final preparations to tune out.
Jane:
Dick? Are you going to sit at that radio phone of yours all day?
Dick:
Sh-sh-sh. She’s coming back. It’s her turn to talk now.
Jane:
How exciting. You don’t think you understand that I’m packing, Dick.
Dick:
Sh. Jane.
Gladys:
Hello. W 10 GEC. W 10 GAL returning. All okay, Dick. Over.
Jane:
Oh. She’s calling you Dick, is she?
Dick:
It doesn’t mean a thing, Jane. Hello, Gladys. Let’s have some more dope on that new antenna. Over.
Jane:
Oh, pickle!
Gladys: It’s a folded di-pole with 300-ohm amps and all.
Jane:
Oh, fascinating. I’ll bet her mother was frightened by a screwdriver.
Dick:
Please, Jane. Please. How can I listen?
Jane: That’s what I wonder. How can you listen to that nonsense day and night?
Gladys:
QRX a minute, Dick, somebody at the door.
Jane:
Probably a man in a white coat with a straight jacket.
Gladys:
I’ll be back in a flash.
Jane:
Maybe she’ll be back, but I won’t be.
Dick:
You know you’re being very childish, don’t you?
Jane:
I’m being very childish?! When you sit there by the hour babbling CQ CA BBB and how many volts on your filaments?
Dick:
I didn’t ask her how many volts she had on her filaments.
Jane:
It’s silly, that’s what it is.
Dick: My radio isn’t silly, but I can show you something that is.
Jane:
Where are you going?
Dick:
How far can you go in a one room apartment?
Jane:
You’re forgetting the kitchenette.
Dick:
Oh, sure, sure. And the bath, too, I know but I think I can find my way back.
Jane:
Stay just as long as you like.
Dick:
Just QRX a minute.
Jane:
Don’t you use that radio double-talk on me, Richard Murray!
Gladys:
Hello? W 10 GAL to W 10 GEC. Back again Dick.
Jane:
Oh! Get lost.
Gladys: I don’t think I’ve told you my last name yet.
Jane:
Oh, do, by all means.
Gladys:
It’s Harvey…Gladys Harvey. Not one of the Harvey girls. (giggle) Hi!
Jane:
You’re a riot, sister.
Gladys: Say, Dick, I--
Jane:
So sorry, Gladys. Haha. At least I can find the switch.
Dick:
Jane? Did you shut off that receiver?
Jane:
Yes. Miss Nuts-and-Bolts said she had to go now.
Dick:
She did?
Jane:
Dick? What are you doing with my tropical fish?
Dick:
You think I spend my time on a silly hobby, do you? Alright, look at these—these sea-serpents of yours.
Jane: They are not sea-serpents! They’re Chinese Torrestori Forni.
Dick:
Oh, they are? Well, do you have to keep the Torrestori Forni swimming around in my tobacco humidor?
Jane:
Well, all the other things are full.
Dick:
Yeah. You said it. The punch bowl, my golf trophy cup and the glass coffee maker. All of them full of stupid-looking fish. And will you please tell me what that object is that’s swimming around in my shaving mug? Don’t tell me that’s a fish.
Jane:
Of course. It’s a pencil fish.
Dick:
Oh, great. I almost shaved with it this morning.
Jane:
It’s really very remarkable.
Dick:
Sure, sure. Pencil fish. I suppose it writes under water.
Jane:
Oh, Dick! I think it’s plain enough that you have no interest anymore in me or in us.
Dick:
That’s ridiculous, Jane. Just because…
Jane:
Let’s not go over it all again.
Dick: Alright, alright. Do you want me to help you with your bags?
Jane:
No thank you. I can carry them.
Dick:
Jane, you realize what you’re doing of course?
Jane:
Naturally. I’m leaving you. Do have fun with your knobs and dials, Dick. And be careful not to fall off your kilocycle.
Dick:
But, where are you going to stay, Jane?
Jane: That shouldn’t matter to you, should it? I’ll get in touch with you later, and not by short wave.
Dick:
Now just a minute, Jane.
Jane:
Now what is it?
Dick:
If you’re really going to get a divorce, don’t rent an apartment in your own name.
Jane:
Why not?
Dick:
Well, it’d look like you deserted me. I suppose you’d like to be the one to start the divorce proceedings?
Jane:
Don’t worry. I’ll never use your name again. Farewell, Marconi.
Dick:
Goodbye, Jane.
SFX: Door slams
Music
SFX:
door opens
Marsden:
Well, well, well, well, my dear. What can I do for you?
Jane:
You’re Mr. Marsden?
Marsden:
Indeed, I am! Yessir, Elwood Marsden. No other real estate team can make that statement. Just call me Elwood. That’s my slogan. Just call me Elwood! Haha.
Jane:
Yes. Well, I’m looking for an apartment.
Marsden:
Good, good. You want to buy an apartment house.
Well, my dear, you’re in luck today, yes you are. It just happens I have a very fine building for sale with 64 apartments, modern…
Jane:
Oh, no. Excuse me Mr. Marsden.
Marsden:
Yes?
Jane:
I don’t want to buy an apartment house.
Marsden:
Oh, you don’t want to buy now? You’ve changed your mind already, have you? Well that’s probably the fastest deal I ever lost. However, I have another proposition that might interest you. A new building with 84 apartments…
Jane:
Excuse me, Mr. Marsden. I…
Marsden:
Call me Elwood, please.
Jane:
Elwood. I-I just want one apartment. For myself.
Marsden:
Oh, you want to rent an apartment? Hehe.
Jane:
Yes. Just one apartment.
Marsden:
Would you like it right downtown, near the theater district?
Jane:
Oh, yes, yes. That would be nice!
Marsden:
And newly decorated of course, with a complete suite of new furniture?
Jane:
Oh, how charming, Mr. Marsden! Where is it?!
Marsden:
In my dreams, my dear. I haven’t had an apartment for rent since shortly after John took his other wife.
Jane:
Oh. But I have to have a place to live, Mr. Marsden!
Marsden:
Ah-ah-ah…
Jane:
I mean, Elwood. You see, I’ve…I’ve just left my husband.
Marsden:
That’s a very foolish thing to do these days.
Jane:
But where can I go?
Marsden:
Don’t look at me, my dear young woman. My wife and I are very happy together, she tells me. And I can assure you that in this whole town there isn’t so much as an old broom closet for rent. However, if you’d like to leave your name, something may break. I don’t know whether I’d be able to cope with it if it did. Your name, my dear?
Jane:
My name is Jane…I mean…
Marsden:
Yes. Jane who?
Jane:
I mean it’s not Jane. Gladys.
Marsden:
It’s not Jane, Gladys?
Jane:
That’s right. It’s Gladys Harvey.
Marsden:
Not one of the Harvey Girls? Heh heh heh.
Jane:
Heh heh heh.
Marsden:
Miss Gladys Harvey?
Jane:
That’s right.
Marsden:
You have a phone?
Jane: A phone? Oh, yes, yes. I have one. For the time being it’s Maine 2414.
Marsden:
And I have only one myself, but I think I can get two if anything comes about, and where are you staying?
Jane:
Staying? Oh, I’m at the Park Central.
Marsden:
Oh, yes. Good. Good. Well, you may hear from me. You’re still quite young.
Jane:
Well, thank you very much. Good-bye, Mr. Marsden.
Marsden:
Good-bye, Dreamer!
SFX: door closing
SFX:
phone rings, and receiver lifted
Marsden:
Hello! Elwood Marsden the Real Estate Teams. Just call me Elwood.
Dick:
Hello. My name is Richard Murray.
Marsden:
Good, good.
Dick: I have a problem. My wife just left me and…
Marsden:
I had nothing to do with it! I’ll deny it! I’ll deny everything!
Dick: Oh, no, no, no, Mr. Marsden. I mean, now that she and I are separated I’d like to give up our apartment. Too many memories in it. Could you rent it for me?
Marsden:
Oh...rent it? Rent it? I-I don’t believe it! I didn’t hear it! I-I-I couldn’t have!
Dick:
Mr. Marsden? What’s the matter?
Marsden:
Just call me Elwood.
Dick:
Alright. What’s the matter, Elwood?
Marsden:
An apartment for rent. You did say, didn’t you? You-you-you did?!
Dick:
Now, don’t get excited. I just want to give it up, that’s all.
Will you take the address, please?
Marsden: Oh, yes. The address. Oh dear, I’ve almost forgotten how to write. I must get hold of myself.
Dick: It’s 5431 Oakwood Avenue, apartment 11F.
Marsden:
Oh, here, you write it.
Dick:
What’s that?
Marsden:
Oh, no, no. You’re on the telephone, aren’t you?
Dick:
Yes.
Marsden:
My goodness. 5431 Oakwood Avenue, 11F.
Dick:
Do you think you could find someone to rent it?
Marsden:
Yes. (sobs loudly)
Dick:
What’s the matter?
Marsden:
Can I find someone to rent it? (sobs)
Dick:
Hey! Listen, get hold of yourself Elwood.
Marsden:
Oh, yes, yes, of course. I must get hold of myself. I’ll have someone there right away. A Miss Harvey, right away.
Dick:
Okay. Well, you bring her out. I’m leaving at once. You’ll find the door open. I’ll get in touch with you later.
Marsden:
Ah yes. Alright Mr. Later, er, Murray.
SFX:
door closes
Marsden:
Oh. Where is that young lady who was just in here…Miss…Miss…Harvey. Oh, Miss Harvey? Gladys? Oh, no. Just…oh no, dear, she’s gone of course. Let’s see. Here’s her phone number. I’d better call her.
Music
SFX:
doorbell buzzes, door opens
Dick:
Oh, Jane. I thought you’d gone for good.
Jane:
Oh, please let me in, Dick. I must talk to you.
SFX:
door closes
Dick:
I see you brought your bags back, too.
Jane:
Dick, I-I couldn’t find anyplace to go, so, well…
Dick:
Yes, I understand, Jane. I’ve been miserable since you left myself. You want to come back to me.
Jane:
Well, it isn’t exactly that, Dick. I mean, well, it’s just that you’ll have to move out instead of me.
Dick:
Oh, I see. You’re leaving me, so I move out? Um-hm.
Jane:
Now don’t be angry, Dick. We have to be practical about this.
Dick:
But I just called the real estate—uh, I mean, um…
Jane:
Yes?
Dick:
Yes. Of course, of course. You want to move back. Oh, in fact I’d planned to move out right away.
Jane:
You had?
Dick:
Certainly. My grips are packed, right there by the door, see?
Jane:
Well, I’ll be darned.
Dick:
Well you didn’t think I’d stay here all alone, did you?
Jane:
Well, of course not, Dick, but still I didn’t expect you --
Dick:
Well now, don’t you worry about it. Just make yourself comfortable. Unpack all your things and put them all away and just be right at home.
Jane:
Well, that’s terribly nice of you, Dick. You know sometimes you can be awfully thoughtful.
Dick:
Oh, now, you’re just saying that because it’s true. (chuckles)
Jane:
(chuckles with a touch of sarcasm) Oh, but Dick, where will you be staying?
Dick:
With Lou Turner, my buddy in the Marines. He’ll have room.
Jane: Oh.
Dick:
Well, I guess I’ll be going.
SFX:
phone rings
Dick:
Maybe that’s for me.
Jane:
Oh, I’ll see who it is.
SFX:
phone receiver lifts
Jane:
Hello?
Marsden:
Mr. Marsden, er, Elwood speaking. Is this Miss Harvey?
Jane:
Miss …oh, yes. Yes, this is she.
Marsden: Miss Harvey. I want you to be calm. I can just picture you flying all apart when I tell you the news.
Jane: When you tell me the news? What are you talking about?
Marsden:
Miss Harvey, I don’t believe it myself, when I’m saying it, but I found you an apartment for rent!
Jane:
Oh, well, that’s nice of you, but I won’t be needing it now.
Marsden:
Of course, you won’t. (Disappointed sigh.)
What?! You won’t be needing it?!
Jane:
That’s right.
Marsden:
(blabbering) Miss Harvey. Miss Harvey! You, you, you can’t do this to me. Nobody ever turns down an apartment. Now let’s start all over again.
Jane:
But I already have an apartment.
Marsden:
No, no, no. You can’t have. There can’t be two. There aren’t two vacant apartments, not in the whole United States! Now listen Miss Harvey, don’t you realize this one on Oakwood is the first vacant apartment in---
Jane:
What was that again? What address?
Marsden: Oakwood Avenue, 5431, 11L. And you sit there and tell me---
Jane:
Just a minute, just a minute. Who told you about this apartment?
Marsden:
A man named Murray put it up for rent just yesterday. A Richard Murray.
Jane:
(Howls with surprise) Oh-h-h-h, he did, did he? And he knows that somebody will be coming right away to take it?
Marsden:
Naturally, my dear, these days you must--
Jane:
I see! No wonder he was so generous all of a sudden.
Marsden:
How’s that?
Dick:
Who are you talking to, Jane?
Marsden:
Well, if you don’t want the apartment, Miss Harvey, I’ll try to understand. Please believe me, I’ll try….
Jane:
Oh, no, no. I think I’ll take it.
Marsden:
How’s that again?!
Jane:
I said I’ll take it. I’ll be in to see you, Mr. Marsden. Good-bye.
Dick:
Who was that?
Jane:
Oh, just a man about a pencil fish.
Dick:
Now I suppose he has one with an eraser. Well, so long, Jane.
SFX:
door opens
Jane:
Oh, Dick?
Dick: Yes?
Jane:
Where did you say you were planning to stay?
Dick:
I told you. Lou Turner.
Jane:
Corporal Lou Turner. United States Marine Corps.
Dick:
Well, he was a corporal.
Jane:
Ah. I forgot to tell you, Dick. This postcard came for you today. It’s from your old friend, Lou. He’s re-enlisted.
Dick: Re-enlisted?
Jane:
Uh-huh. And he doesn’t have an apartment anymore. Good-bye, Dick.
SFX:
door slams
Dick:
Hey! Wait Jane! Let me in! Let me in!
Music
Applause
Announcer:
The curtain falls on act 1 of “A Man’s Home is Her Castle.” Act 2 follows in just a moment.
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SFX:
(Rayve musical jingle)
Announcer:
As our second act opens, Dick is still pounding on the door of his apartment.
SFX: pounding on door behind
Announcer:
…and yelling “Open that door, Jane!”
Dick:
Open the door!
SFX:
door opens
Jane:
What do you want the neighbors to think, banging on the door and yelling like that?!
Dick:
I don’t care what they think.
Jane:
You said you were leaving, remember?
Dick:
Well I am, but--
Jane:
Well you better be thinking about where you’re going.
Dick:
Jane, I,er, don’t think you’d better unpack yet. There’s something I have to tell you.
Jane:
Oh, you have no hurry, Dick. Excuse me, I have to hang up my toothbrush.
Dick:
No, now don’t do that, Jane.
Jane:
(from another room) You know it’s really very nice to have all this space to myself.
Dick:
I’m telling you, you hadn’t better…
Jane:
(in background humming ‘There’s No Place Like Home’ loudly to herself)
Dick:
Oh, nuts.
SFX:
dialing phone
Dick:
(to self as he dials) Marsden. Elwood. I’ve got to get hold of this guy before he rents this apartment.
SFX:
phone
Marden:
Elwood Marsden speaking. Just call me Elwood!
Dick:
Oh, I know, I know. Listen, Elwood, this is Richard Murray.
Marsden:
Yes?
Dick:
Look, about my apartment, I don’t want to rent it now.
Marsden:
You don’t want to rent?
Dick:
No.
Marsden:
Mr. Murray, I’m warning you, I’m not a well man.
Dick:
Now, look. I’ll explain. You see, I told my wife she could live in it, and now I can’t get her out, so the deal’s off. The apartment isn’t for rent anymore.
Marsden:
I know it, I know it isn’t for rent.
Dick:
You know it?
Marsden:
Yes, because I just rented it to a Miss Gladys Harvey.
Dick:
You rented it?! Oh, no!
Marsden:
I’m very sorry, Mr. Murray, but you’ll have to leave when Miss Harvey comes to take over. That was the arrangement. You offered it for rent, and I rented it. And I don’t intend to un-rent it.
Dick: Now, please…
Marsden:
I am not in the un-renting business! And I sometimes wonder if I’m in the renting business.
Dick:
But, I can’t go through with it. I-I haven’t even got a place to stay myself. I can’t move out.
Marsden:
Well, that’ll be between you and Miss Harvey. Good-bye.
Dick:
But listen, I…Ooh.
SFX:
door opens
Jane:
Oh, are you still here? Why don’t you try the YMCA?
Dick:
Jane. Don’t open those bags.
Jane:
Why not? Didn’t you give me the apartment?
Dick:
Yes I did, but…
Jane:
Then I’m putting my things back where they belong.
Dick:
No, now don’t! Please!
Jane:
Alright, alright. What is it?
Dick: Jane, when you left me, and then came back again, I told you that you could live here.
Jane:
And I said that was sweet of you.
Dick:
But it wasn’t at all.
Jane:
Oh, you’re just being modest.
Dick:
No, Jane. Listen to me. Before I told you that I’d already called up a real estate agent and told him to rent the apartment.
Jane:
Oh, Dick. I forgive you.
Dick:
Well then why don’t you stop putting your things back in the drawers?
Jane:
Oh, I don’t think anybody else will take the apartment right away, Dick.
Dick: But you see, the agents already rented it.
Jane:
Rented it?
Dick:
Yes, to some Miss Harvey. Gladys Harvey. She’s coming here to move in.
Jane:
Harvey? Oooooh. Miss Harvey.
Dick: You know her?
Jane:
Yes. She must be the young woman I walked up the stairs with when I came home. I remember now, she told me that she’d
changed her mind. Miss Harvey isn’t renting the apartment at all.
Dick:
She isn’t? Oh, that’s wonderful, Jane! Now we can stay here after all.
Jane:
“We”, Dick?
Dick:
Yeah, we don’t have to move now.
Jane:
I don’t have to move now. We’re separated, remember? And you gave the apartment to me. Why don’t you try the Veterans’ Service Center?
Dick: Jane, there isn’t a place in town to stay. Now we are just going to have to face this situation sensibly.
Jane:
Oh, I’m sure you are.
Dick:
We are. You said so yourself, we have to face facts. Okay, we’re separated. But, you have no place to go and neither have I . So, we’ll have to share the apartment. That’s all there is to it.
Jane:
Isn’t that a little, shall we say, weird?
Dick:
You can live your life, if that’s the way you want it, and I can live mine.
Jane:
Ooohhh. Of course. In a one room apartment we’ll practically never see each other. Maybe you’ll write once in awhile, so I’ll know what you’re doing.
Dick:
Come on, be serious, Jane. What else can we do?
Jane:
Oh, alright. I’ll try it. But don’t you interfere with me and I won’t interfere with you.
Dick:
Okay.
Jane:
And you use your earphones on that wacky wireless of yours or I’ll throw it out of my window.
Dick:
Alright. But just you remember this. Either you keep those technicolor sardines on your side, or I’ll have them for breakfast!
Music
Dick:
Oh, me.
Jane:
Now just remember---from the doorknob to the picture of my mother on the wall is the middle of the room.
Dick:
Must I have half of your mother on my side?
Jane:
We’re only separated, Dick. She’s still half your mother-in-law.
Dick:
Alright. Anyway, it’s a profile. You’ve got the half with the mouth.
Jane:
Now, let’s see. I have the door to the kitchenette on my side, and you have the other door on your side.
Dick:
Mm-hm.
Jane:
Of course, we can take turns using the kitchenette.
Dick:
Naturally.
Jane:
And we can both use—
Dick:
Naturally.
Jane:
Here. You take this lamp over on your side. Now we’ll both have one.
Dick: Thanks Jane. That’s going to be nice. As soon as I get a shade for it. All I’ll need then is a cord and a bulb.
Jane:
Well! I guess that just about takes care of everything!
Dick:
Almost, Jane.
Jane:
Almost? What do you mean, Dick?
Dick:
Have we divided up everything in the room?
Jane:
Oh, I think so. I’ve tried to be very fair about it.
Dick:
Yes. Well, what I was just thinking is I’d have a little trouble sleeping on the bookcase.
Jane:
Oh, you mean the bed.
Dick:
Yes.
Jane:
That’s right. You’ve never tried sleeping in the bathtub before, have you, Dick?
Dick:
The bathtub! Now, look here—
Jane:
(walking away) Watch that boundary line, dear.
Dick:
Ooh. I’m a good two inches on my side.
Jane:
(from other side of room) Don’t forget the agreement.
Dick:
I didn’t agree to sleep in the bathtub.
Jane:
(from other side of room) Good night, Dick.
Dick:
Oh, Good night.
SFX:
knock on door
Dick:
Now what?
Jane:
Dick? Who is that knocking?
Dick:
How should I know?
SFX:
Knocking
Dick:
Yes? Who is it?
Gladys:
It’s Gladys. Gladys Harvey.
Jane:
Uh-oh.
Dick: Jane, I thought you said she didn’t want to rent the apartment now.
SFX:
buzzer buzzes
Jane:
I did. I think I’ll go for a walk, Dick, down the fire escape.
Dick:
You stay right here. If we have to move, we have to move. That’s all, now let’s face it.
SFX:
buzzer buzzes
Dick:
Alright. Just a minute. I’m coming.
SFX:
door opens
Gladys:
Hello, Dick.
Dick:
Hello.
Gladys:
I just came over to see the layout.
Dick:
Oh. Well, I didn’t think you were interested anymore.
Gladys:
Oh, how can you say that, Dick? Of course I’m interested.
SFX:
door closes
Dick:
Oh, well, ah, this is Mrs. Murray. Jane, Miss Harvey.
Gladys:
Oh, your wife? Hi.
Jane:
Oh. I mean hello.
Gladys:
Do you have a license, Mrs. Murray?
Jane:
Oh, yes, yes. It’s all legal. You don’t think I’d be living with him if I didn’t have, do you?
Gladys:
No, I don’t suppose you could stand it.
Dick:
Well, it won’t take us long to get our stuff together and get out, Miss Harvey.
Gladys:
Oh, you were leaving?
Dick:
Well, yes—
Gladys:
Oh, that’s a shame. I thought we might all be here together for awhile.
Dick:
Together? No, I’d hardly think that’d work. We’re cramped as it is.
Gladys:
Oh, I don’t mind. The bed looks comfortable.
Dick:
Well, I wouldn’t know about that.
Jane:
Oh, it is, it is.
Gladys:
Well, I’ll sit on the bed then.
Dick:
Didn’t you bring any of your things with you?
Gladys:
Oh, no, Dick. I don’t have any portable equipment.
Dick:
Wh-You don’t?
Gladys:
No. It looks like you have a pretty good location here, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, it isn’t bad.
Gladys:
How are you getting out?
Dick:
I suppose we’ll walk!
Gladys:
Leave it to Dick to come up with a wisecrack, Mrs. Murray!
Jane:
Yeah. He’s a panic.
SFX:
Buzzer buzzes
Jane:
Oh, no! Now who?
Dick:
I don’t know. I’ll see.
Jane:
Why don’t we just throw the windows open? You never can tell who might come in.
SFX:
door opens
Marsden:
Are you Mr. Murray?
Dick:
Yes, that’s right.
Marsden:
Just call me Elwood.
Jane:
Oh, no!
Dick:
Oh, the real estate man, huh?
Marsden:
Yes.
Gladys:
Are you ill, Mrs. Murray?
Jane:
Oh, no, no. I’m alright.
Dick:
Come on in, Elwood. We might as well get this thing settled right now.
Marsden:
Oh, thank you, thank you.
SFX:
door closes
Marsden:
I just came to see if Miss Harvey, oh, yes, I see she’s here! How do you do, Miss Harvey?
Jane and Gladys together:
Hi!
Marsden:
What?
Jane and Gladys together:
Hello!
Dick:
Jane, he was speaking to Gladys.
Marsden:
Your wife is quite young, Mr. Murray, and charming. You make a lovely couple.
Dick:
Thank you.
Marsden:
Oh, but that’s right. You’re separated, arent’ you?
Gladys:
Separated? Why, Dick, I didn’t know that.
Marsden:
Oh now please, don’t tell me you didn’t know?
Dick: Well, I didn’t think I had to say anything to her!
Marsden:
Really, Mr. Murray! That’s hardly the gentlemanly way to go about it, just walk out on her. But these days, I suppose—
Dick:
The gentlemanly thing? Why should I tell her—
Marsden:
No, no, no matter. Now, let’s get down to business. Now, Miss Harvey—
Jane and Gladys together:
Yes?
Marsden: Hm?
Dick:
Jane, please don’t interrupt.
Marsden: Yes. Shall we get down to business.
Gladys: Look, stranger, I don’t know who you are, but if I’m in the way here, just say so and I’ll leave.
Marsden:
Well, it seems that is between you and your husband.
Gladys:
I don’t have a husband.
Marsden: You don’t? Don’t tell me you two have been divorced already?
Gladys: I have never been married.
Marsden:
Oh, Mr. Murray!
Dick:
You mean me?
Gladys:
Why you old fuddy-duddy! Dick and I are just good friends.
Marsden:
But how good friends can you be?!
Gladys:
That does it! I’m very sorry, Dick, but I don’t think I care for your visitor. I’ll see you again when the place isn’t quite so cluttered!
Dick: B-b-but—
Gladys:
And I do mean Elwood.
SFX:
door slams
Jane:
Wow.
Marsden:
What a temper! Mr. Murray, I don’t think I’d blame you for not wanting to be married to that little spitfire!
Dick:
Heaven forbid! I’ve got troubles enough as it is.
Marsden:
Yes.
Dick:
But, look, I’m wondering if she still wants the apartment now?
Marsden:
Well, it just wouldn’t do her any good if she did, not at all.
Dick:
Well, I’m glad to hear that.
Marsden:
Of course, you see, Miss Harvey here has rented it, haven’t you, dear?
Jane: (coughs)
Dick:
Miss Harvey? That was Miss Harvey who just went out the door.
Marsden:
Mr. Murray, don’t you try to confuse me!
Dick: Confuse you? Look, Elwood, this is my wife.
Marsden:
Oh, I see. You and Miss Harvey have been married already?
Dick: No, no, no. Miss Harvey and I haven’t been married. Miss Harvey and I will never be married.
Marsden: You won’t?
Dick:
No, you see Miss Harvey—
Jane:
Miss Harvey, darling, is your sugar-voiced radio operator friend, W 10 GAL.
Dick:
Well I—I---I—I—I you mean?
Jane:
Yes, dear. She apparently just dropped in to see your radio station.
Dick:
My gosh, then who’s the Miss Harvey who rented our apartment?
Jane: Don’t get yourself so excited, Dick. I am.
Dick:
You?
Marsden:
That’s what I’ve been telling you! This woman came to me—
Dick:
Oh, so you rented the apartment, Jane, and you gave Miss Harvey’s name?
Jane:
It’s the first one I thought of, Dick.
Marsden: If I could just understand it. This is probably the craziest deal in the history of the real estate business!
Jane: Well. Then you certainly set a record.
Marsden: Let me out of here! Let me out!
SFX:
door opens
Dick:
There you are. We’ll never, ever forget you.
Marsden:
I hope that won’t be mutual. Excuse me. I think I’ll go out and have a nervous breakdown!
Dick:
Alright. You do that, and I’ll call you Friday.
Marsden:
No, call me Elwood.
SFX:
door slams
Jane:
Oh, ho, ho, ho. Poor Mr. Elwood.
Dick:
Yes, poor Elwood. You know if this weren’t so tragic, It’d be funny.
Jane:
Eh, yes. Wouldn’t it?
Dick:
Well. I’ll pack my bags again and be on my way.
Jane:
Oh, Dick, you’re not leaving?
Dick:
Of course.
Jane:
But I’m the one that’s supposed to be leaving, remember?
Dick:
No, Jane please, now I’ll go.
Jane:
Dick, promise me one thing.
Dick:
What is it?
Jane:
That you will stay and let me go.
Dick:
No, no. Absolutely not. I’m staying. I mean, I’m leaving.
Jane:
(giggles) There. You see?
Dick: Well anyway, we can’t both stay.
Jane:
We can’t?
Dick:
No. Well, of course we can’t.
Jane:
Not even if I were to give up my tropical fish?
Dick:
No, Jane. Not that. Anyway, what’s wrong with tropical fish?
Jane:
Oh, it’s just that there are hobbies I like better. Radio, for instance.
Dick:
Well, I –hey, say that again!
Jane:
You know I read someplace that a wife should share her husband’s hobbies.
Dick:
You did?
Jane:
Uh-huh. Dick, just what is a di-pole antenna?
Dick:
A di-pole antenna?
Jane:
Uh-huh.
Dick:
Well, Jane, a di-pole antenna is a, well, to make one you take a pencil fish, no, no, I mean you take ---
Jane:
(laughs)
Dick:
You…well, you…
Jane:
Yes, Dick?
Dick: You know, Jane? I think I’m going to like tropical fish.
Music
Applause
Olan Soule:
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, we’re glad you enjoyed tonight’s play. Next week we’ll be back with another hilarious comedy. East is east and west is west and when they meet, look out. In this story, I play the part of a writer, who suddenly finds that his Long Island fiancée is engaged to a gun-toting, bronc-busting cowboy! I know you won’t want to miss Not at Home on the Range. So why not join us again next week when Rayve shampoo will present Grand Marquee.
SFX:
Rayve musical jingle
Music
Announcer:
Tonight’s original play, A Man’s Home is Her Castle, was written by Gene Clark and produced by Norman Felton. Olan Soule played Dick and Beryl Vaughn was Jane. The orchestra was conducted by Joseph Gallicchio, with original music by Emil Soderstrom.
Be with us again next week when Grand Marquee will again blaze with light and color, high in the gay air waves, inviting you to join our audience for a performance of ‘Not at Home on the Range.’
Music
Announcer:
Girls, to get a man thinking you’re something special, restless when he’s not with you, planning to see you again tomorrow, whisper to his emotions with perfume. Gay, unforgettable Yanky Clover by Richard Hudnut , and wear this youthful, stirring fragrance in the personal way, that makes it yours alone. After your bath, smooth on Yanky Clover toilet water top to toe, for captivating, all day freshness. When dressed, always a final touch of Yanky Clover perfume on ear tips, throat and palms, where it counts most. This is the gay way, the Yanky Clover way, to keep romance ever longing and eager. Yanky Clover comes in cologne, dusting powder, as well as toilet water and perfume. In Paris, you’d get it at the famous Richard Hudnut Salon on the Rue de la Paix. Here, just ask at any leading drug or department store for Yanky Clover, romantic fragrance, by Richard Hudnut.
Music
Announcer:
This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.
SFX:
NBC Chimes