ANNOUNCER:
From Hollywood comes ROMANCE!
MFX:
FANFARE ... THEN IN BG
FAY:
As a junior at UCLA, I've run into my share of football players, track men and biology professors, but Spike Harrison and Burdette were something else again.
MFX:
UP, FOR ROMANCE THEME (which is the 1930 Walter Donaldson-Edgar Leslie song "Romance") ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]
ANNOUNCER:
And now, with Sharon Douglas as Fay Brooks and Harry Bartell as Spike Harrison, ROMANCE brings you the delightful story of a college undergraduate whose after-classes job proved almost too much for her -- [X] transcribed, as Robert Carson told it in his laughable comedy, "For Business Reasons."
MFX:
FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]
ANNOUNCER:
This is a story of Amelia Fish, Fay Brooks, Spike and Burdette. And it all started in the Ready Room. The Ready Room is run by the Students' League, and some of the college girls make their pin money hiring out as baby sitters. As a matter of fact, there are several girls sitting around now waiting for calls to come in from tired, withering parents. At a desk sits Miss Amelia Fish, with a map of Los Angeles behind her. [X] Miss Fish runs the Ready Room.
BIZ:
COLLEGE GIRLS CHATTER ... THEN IN BG
MISS FISH:
(INTO PHONE, MID-CONVERSATION) Why, of course. You want Betty to come over and sit with Merwyn. I'll tell her right away.
MRS. STEWART:
(FILTER) Thank you, Miss Fish.
MISS FISH:
Not at all. Goodbye.
SFX:
PHONE RECEIVER DOWN
MISS FISH:
Oh, Betty, this is yours, dear -- Mrs. Stewart.
BETTY:
(UNHAPPY) Oh, Mrs. Stewart! That thirteen-month monster of hers--!
MISS FISH:
Betty, please.
BETTY:
Sorry, but I can't seem to draw anything that doesn't have to be kept off the chandeliers. (MOVING OFF) Okay, Miss Fish, I'm on my way.
MISS FISH:
(CALLS MERRILY) Don't worry, dear. Can't last forever. (LAUGHS)
FAY:
(APPROACHES) Good evening, Miss Fish. Anything for me?
MISS FISH:
Oh, hello, Fay, dear. No, nothing yet. That nice Mrs. Grayson left town, you know.
FAY:
(SADLY) Yes. Last time I was there, she told me they would. Gee, just imagine -- trips all over the country, nice clothes, nice food--
MISS FISH:
Nice man. That's what you need, you know.
FAY:
Which?
MISS FISH:
A nice man. You ought to get married.
FAY:
I'm still in school, Miss Fish. I can't get married yet. It would mess everything up.
MISS FISH:
Just plowing through that book under your arm isn't going to straighten everything out. What is it, for heaven's sake?
FAY:
Spengler's Decline of the West.
MISS FISH:
Oh.
FAY:
I've got to read it; it's part of my course.
SFX:
PHONE RINGS
MISS FISH:
Oh, excuse me, Fay.
FAY:
Mm.
SFX:
RECEIVER UP
MISS FISH:
(INTO PHONE) Students' League Sitters Bureau, Amelia Fish speaking. ... Yes, sir. ... Oh, yes, sir, of course. ... The girls are all quite competent and they all have-- Oh, yes, sir. ... What's your name, sir? ... Harrison? Any initials, sir? ... Yes, sir. ... (MOST OF PHONE CONVERSATION IN BG, OVERLAPS WITH FOLLOWING--)
BETTY:
Oh, Fay?
FAY:
Yeah?
BETTY:
I forgot to tell Miss Fish I won't be working tomorrow. Tell her when she gets off the phone, huh?
FAY:
I will, Betty. Bye.
BETTY:
Oh, and I'm gonna cut class tomorrow. Tell her I'm sick or something, huh? Going to the beach. I'll need relaxation after an evening with that Merwyn!
FAY:
(CHUCKLES) Okay, Betty. Bye.
MISS FISH:
(FINISHES PHONE CONVERSATION) ... Yes, I have it all. Harrison, One-oh-six-oh Los Altos Road. Very good, Mr. Harrison. Goodbye.
SFX:
RECEIVER DOWN ... PAPERS SHUFFLE BEHIND--
MISS FISH:
There -- now, let me see. You're on the top of the list now, Fay, so this is yours.
FAY:
(SIGHS) What a way to work through college.
MISS FISH:
(READS) Mm, Ten Sixty Los Altos Road. (TO FAY) That's only a couple of miles north of here. You can take the Fairborne bus to Sierra Blanca Road, and then you walk two blocks east. Mr. Spike Harrison.
FAY:
Who?
MISS FISH:
Well, I asked him for his initials, but he said everyone called him Spike. He sounded cultivated -- like a Harvard man.
FAY:
(SKEPTICAL) "Spike" Harrison.
MISS FISH:
Oh, I'm sure he's all right. At any rate, all you have to do is shriek very loudly and run down the middle of the road. They have a private alarm system up there.
FAY:
If you say so. How many are there and how old?
MISS FISH:
There's one; and it's three.
FAY:
Gee, that's wonderful -- no formula. Maybe he, she or it will sleep all the time. When do I go?
MISS FISH:
Right away.
FAY:
I'm gone.
MISS FISH:
Oh, Fay, dear?
FAY:
Yeah?
MISS FISH:
You, uh-- You might give me a ring after the people leave for the evening.
FAY:
Give you a ring? Why?
MISS FISH:
I thought just if-- Well, I could have the radio cops look in on you.
FAY:
(WORRIED) Look, Miss Fish, I need the money I get from baby-sitting but I don't need it so bad that I have to--
MISS FISH:
Now, Fay, dear -- there's nothing to worry about. I told you Spike sounded very cultivated. He said he'd just heard of our service, and he thought it would be a big improvement over their previous practice.
FAY:
(WARY) What was their previous practice?
MISS FISH:
Well, Spike said they left the boy alone and let him scratch on the door and howl.
FAY:
(PAUSE, TAKEN ABACK) Yes. Well.
MFX:
BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]
SFX:
NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND OF CHIRPING CRICKETS ... FAY'S BRISK FOOTSTEPS TO FRONT DOOR ... KNOCK AT DOOR ... PAUSE ... [X] DOOR OPENS
SPIKE:
What can I do for you?
FAY:
What can I do for you? I'm the sitter from the League.
FAY:
Oh. Oh, of course. Come in.
SFX:
FAY'S FOOTSTEPS IN ... FRONT DOOR CLOSES AND SHUTS OUT CRICKETS BEHIND--
SPIKE:
Was nice of you to come by. Sit down.
FAY:
Thank you.
SPIKE:
Have a drink?
FAY:
I don't drink.
SPIKE:
Is that so? Um, I'll be gone quite a while; you'll want something to read probably. Do you care for magazines or would you--?
FAY:
I have a book with me.
SPIKE:
Oh, yes. A big one, isn't it? What's it called?
FAY:
Spengler's Decline of the West.
SPIKE:
Who wrote it?
FAY:
A man named Spengler.
SPIKE:
Hmm.
FAY:
Where's the kid?
SPIKE:
Kid? Oh, you mean Burdette. He's outside. I'll bring him in. (MOVING OFF) Just make yourself comfortable.
SFX:
SPIKE'S FOOTSTEPS TO BACK DOOR WHICH OPENS
SPIKE:
(CALLS) Burdette! Come on in! (CALLS, TO FAY) He's coming in!
FAY:
Well, isn't a little cold for--?
BURDETTE:
(BARKS MADLY, APPROACHING RAPIDLY)
SFX:
BURDETTE CHARGES IN AND JUMPS ON FAY
FAY:
(SURPRISED GASP AND EXCLAMATION) Oh!
SPIKE:
Down, boy! Down! Down!
FAY:
(ANOTHER EXCLAMATION) Oh!
SFX:
SPIKE PULLS BURDETTE AWAY ... FAY'S BOOK DROPS TO FLOOR
SPIKE:
He gets carried away sometimes. (ADMONISHES) Burdette!
BURDETTE:
(BARKS MORE QUIETLY, THEN PANTS IN BG)
FAY:
I see what you mean.
SPIKE:
(BENDS DOWN) Here, let me get your book for you. (WITH EFFORT) Heavy, isn't it?
FAY:
(SELF-CONSCIOUS CHUCKLE)
SPIKE:
(GRUNTS) There we are. Well, that's Burdette. I hope you'll like each other. Later on, you might let him out in the back yard and get him a drink of water. He's perfectly harmless.
FAY:
Wait a minute. Is Burdette--?
SPIKE:
Yeah, that's right.
FAY:
I've never heard of such a thing.
SPIKE:
Yeah, strange dog; hates to be alone.
FAY:
Of course.
SPIKE:
I only keep a day maid; the neighbors have complained about his howling. Every one of my doors has had to be refinished. You're really a godsend, Miss, um, uh--?
FAY:
Miss Brooks.
SPIKE:
Miss Brooks. If he gets restless or uneasy, throw his ball for him. He also enjoys having his ears scratched.
FAY:
Fine.
SPIKE:
He'll try to coax you into letting him sit on your lap, but don't do it -- he weighs eighty pounds. (MOVING OFF) Good night, Miss Brooks.
SFX:
SPIKE'S FOOTSTEPS TO FRONT DOOR
FAY:
It's your money. Good night.
SFX:
SPIKE EXITS OUT DOOR WHICH CLOSES
FAY:
(BEAT, FIRMLY) Burdette--?
BURDETTE:
(WHIMPERS)
FAY:
I'll work a deal with you.
BURDETTE:
(BARKS A QUERY)
FAY:
You in your small corner, and I in mine.
BURDETTE:
(UNDECIDED GROWL, THEN AN AFFIRMATIVE BARK)
MFX:
BRIDGE
SFX:
FRONT DOOR OPENS ... SPIKE AND MISS KRAMER ENTER IN MID-CONVERSATION--
KRAMER:
(DRUNKEN LAUGHTER) Oh, you are a darling, Spike! I don't know how you think of all those clever things to say!
SPIKE:
Well, this is the house. What do you think?
KRAMER:
(GASP) Oh, it's divine! Absolutely divine!
SPIKE:
Burdette likes it, too.
BURDETTE:
(BARKS A HELLO)
KRAMER:
And to think that just you two live here. (SEDUCTIVE) Don't you ever get a little lonely here? Just you and--?
SPIKE:
No. No, Burdette has his friends and I have Burdette.
KRAMER:
(EXHALES) Don't you ever wish for a woman's touch?
SPIKE:
(MATTER-OF-FACT) The fact of the matter is that, while I might, Burdette would disapprove.
BURDETTE:
(WHINES DISAPPROVINGLY)
KRAMER:
(SULTRY) Maybe if I won Burdette over to me, you might-- (SHOCKED) Good grief! Who's that?!
SPIKE:
(CALMLY) It's Burdette's sitter.
KRAMER:
Burdette's what?!
SPIKE:
The sitter I got for Burdette from the League. I guess she fell asleep.
FAY:
(DRY) I was asleep.
SPIKE:
Miss Brooks, this is Miss, um, uh-- Miss, ah--?
KRAMER:
(FROSTY) Miss Kramer.
SPIKE:
Miss Brooks, this is Miss Kramer.
FAY:
Hi.
BURDETTE:
(BARKS A HELLO)
SPIKE:
Miss Kramer and I have been drinking champagne, Miss Brooks.
FAY:
That's nice. Burdette and I ate an apple.
KRAMER:
(FORCED CHUCKLE) Oh, didn't you just love that funny little man who waited on us, Spike? (SULTRY AGAIN) And that wonderful orchestra?
FAY:
Burdette and I listened to the radio.
SPIKE:
Oh, I hope you weren't too lonely, Miss Brooks.
FAY:
I was trying to teach Burdette tricks. Until I fell asleep.
SPIKE:
Burdette isn't too good at tricks.
FAY:
Isn't too good? That dog can barely walk without getting confused. He's as sharp as a rowboat.
KRAMER:
(LOVINGLY) I think Burdette's just too wonderful!
FAY:
He's a jerk.
SPIKE:
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, I must drive Miss Kramer home, Miss Brooks. Can we drop you off at the bus or something?
FAY:
Are you going to take Burdette along?
KRAMER:
Oh, yes, of course we will! Oh, it would be divine!
FAY:
(FLAT) It's no trouble to walk to the bus.
SFX:
FAY'S FOOTSTEPS TO FRONT DOOR, BEHIND--
FAY:
Well, I hope everything has been satisfactory, Mr. Harrison.
SPIKE:
I'm sure it has. You've done very well.
FAY:
The League will send you a bill.
SFX:
DOOR OPENS
FAY:
Oh, uh, I also drank a bottle of Coke.
SPIKE:
Drop in any time. There's more where that came from. G'night.
FAY:
(POLITE) Good night, Miss Kramer. (UNENTHUSIASTIC) Good night, Burdette.
BURDETTE:
(BARKS A GOODBYE)
SFX:
DOOR CLOSES
MFX:
BRIDGE
BIZ:
COLLEGE GIRLS CHATTER ... THEN IN BG
MISS FISH:
(CALLS) Miss Brooks? Oh, Miss Brooks?
FAY:
(GLUM) Good evening, Miss Fish.
MISS FISH:
Well, I'm glad you got here. My, I was so worried about you last night. You should have called me, you know.
FAY:
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot all about it. It was a little strange.
MISS FISH:
Strange? What do you mean?
FAY:
I sat with a dog. We ate an apple. I was astonished.
MISS FISH:
Well, I almost called the police. I was afraid something had happened.
FAY:
I didn't mean to worry you, but after playing catch with Burdette, I forgot--
MISS FISH:
With whom?
FAY:
The dog, Burdette. I guess I went to sleep. Mr. Harrison was standing talking to some gal when I woke up.
MISS FISH:
Was she his young lady friend?
FAY:
With the amount of clothes she was wearing, she could have been his Lady Godiva.
MISS FISH:
(POINTED) Is that a fact?
FAY:
Oh, for goodness sakes, don't look at me like that. I'm not jealous.
MISS FISH:
Of course not, dear.
FAY:
Certainly not of a man I've met for the first time with some woman I've never seen before.
MISS FISH:
Now, Fay, dear--
FAY:
Look, Miss Fish, you've been playing a homespun Cupid with me so long and so hard, I'm convinced you've got a tie-in with some Justice of the Peace!
MISS FISH:
All I said was, "Is that a fact?"
FAY:
Okay.
MISS FISH:
(CHUCKLES) I, um, did do a bit of investigation regarding this Mr. Spike Harrison, though.
FAY:
Fine.
MISS FISH:
Up at the university, they tell me he's one of the most successful architects in the last two decades.
FAY:
Ha! I don't have any intention of living the full life playing second fiddle to a drafting board.
MISS FISH:
He's just finishing up the new Corn Exchange Building and he has plans for a hotel in Beverly Hills and he's building all sorts of private homes. He's just coining money, naturally.
FAY:
Naturally.
MISS FISH:
And it just so happens he's not married!
FAY:
Now, look--!
SFX:
PHONE RINGS
MISS FISH:
Oh, excuse me, dear.
SFX:
RECEIVER UP
MISS FISH:
(INTO PHONE) Students' League Sitters Bureau, Amelia Fish speaking. ... (PLEASED) Oh! Good evening, Mr. Harrison! ... (SELF-CONSCIOUS CHUCKLE, FLATTERED) "Spike." (ANOTHER SELF-CONSCIOUS CHUCKLE) ... Miss Brooks, immediately? Oh, of course. Of course. ... Er, thank you -- "Spike." (MORE CHUCKLING)
SFX:
RECEIVER DOWN
FAY:
That was "Spike," huh?
MISS FISH:
Yes. Oh, and quite a coincidence. He wants you up there at his place right away to sit with Burdette.
FAY:
That dog is a case of arrested canine development.
MISS FISH:
Pity is akin to love! I read that somewhere.
FAY:
Okay, I'm going. But just remember, Miss Fish, this is a Sitters Bureau -- nothing more!
MFX:
BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG
SPIKE:
(INTO PHONE) Uh, this is Spike Harrison at Ten Sixty Los Altos Road. I wondered if Miss Brooks could come up again and-- Oh, that's fine. Thank you, Miss Fish.
MFX:
BRIEF TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG
SPIKE:
(INTO PHONE) This is Spike Harrison at ten sixty Los Altos Road. I wondered if-- Oh, that's fine. Thank you, Miss Fish.
MFX:
BRIEF TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG
SPIKE:
(INTO PHONE) This is Spike-- Oh, thank you, Miss Fish.
MFX:
BRIDGE, OUT ABRUPTLY AT [X]
SFX:
KNOCK AT FRONT DOOR ... [X] DOOR OPENS
FAY:
Here I am again. It's getting to be a habit.
SPIKE:
Good evening, good evening. Come in, won't you?
FAY:
Thanks.
SFX:
FAY'S FOOTSTEPS IN ... FRONT DOOR CLOSES
SPIKE:
Do sit down, Miss Brooks.
FAY:
Where's Burdette?
SPIKE:
He's outside somewhere. He'll be glad to see you again.
FAY:
Last night, he had me down for the count of nine.
SPIKE:
After all the times you've been coming up here, he looks on you as a very dear and a very old friend.
FAY:
If he'd just look, I wouldn't mind so much.
SPIKE:
Er, Miss Brooks, is it all right if I call you Fay? After all, I've known you for five days.
FAY:
We might give it a whirl.
SPIKE:
Good. I notice you've another of those big books under your arm. I hope Burdette gives you a chance to read.
FAY:
I'm sorry I spoke harshly of Burdette the first time I was here. I guess it was that strip teaser you had with you. She upset me.
SPIKE:
Oh, she wasn't a strip teaser. That was Miss, uh--
FAY:
Uh, Kramer.
SPIKE:
Yes, Miss Kramer. I forget her first name, but her father's one of the biggest contractors in town.
FAY:
(THOUGHT SO) Mmmm.
SPIKE:
I had to be nice to her -- for business reasons.
FAY:
And that Miss Campbell you were out with the second night I was here--?
SPIKE:
Miss Campbell? (BEAT, REMEMBERS) Oh, Miss Campbell! Her brother's a wonderful boss carpenter.
FAY:
I see. And who is it to be tonight?
SPIKE:
It's a Miss, uh, Morrowsby. Just happens that her father is one of--
FAY:
Never mind, it doesn't matter.
SPIKE:
This is quite a formal affair I'm going to tonight so I may be later than usual.
FAY:
I'm very happy for you. (MOCK SOLEMN) Burdette and I will drink a toast to you at midnight.
SPIKE:
And I will drink to you at the same hour.
FAY:
(MORE SERIOUS) Look, Spike, will you be offended if I say something?
SPIKE:
No, not at all. What?
FAY:
I just wonder if - if you--
SPIKE:
You just wonder if what?
FAY:
(GIVES UP) Oh, I don't know what I wonder. Never mind.
SPIKE:
Maybe you aren't feeling well. Maybe I should take you home.
FAY:
You'd never get your foolish old buildings up if you wasted time on me. I'm all right. (EXHALES) Burdette and I will have a peachy time -- just the two of us.
SPIKE:
(MOVING OFF) Well, if you're sure it's all right, I'll push along.
FAY:
It's all right. Good night, Spike. And good contacting!
MFX:
BRIDGE
BIZ:
COLLEGE GIRLS CHATTER ... THEN IN BG
MISS FISH:
This is six nights in a row that Spike has asked for you.
FAY:
(GLUM) Yeah, I know.
MISS FISH:
He said -- and I quote -- "age cannot wither nor custom stale the infinite variety of your sitting."
FAY:
Uh huh.
MISS FISH:
He'd like to engage you again tonight. But he's worried. You don't seem to like the dog -- and yet all the other girls he knows think Burdette is wonderful.
FAY:
(AN OUTBURST) Oh, he makes me so mad! He's just an old--! An old opportunist! Spike, that is. He only goes with girls who are related to people who can help him in his work. He's a low, fawning, self-seeking--!
MISS FISH:
My dear -- they also serve who only sit and wait. (LAUGHS GENTLY)
FAY:
(CALMS DOWN) I'm sure I don't know why I should be so upset. He's nothing to me. Why should I care how he operates? Guess I've been reading so much Decline of the West, I'm beginning to believe it.
MISS FISH:
(MISCHIEVOUS) Then I can tell Spike you'll be available tonight?
FAY:
(DEFIANT) As far as I'm concerned, you can tell Spike to--
MISS FISH:
(BEAT) Yes, dear?
FAY:
(RELUCTANTLY GIVES IN) Ohhh, yes. Tell him I'm available.
MFX:
TO A FINISH
ANNOUNCER:
We will return to ROMANCE in a moment, but first--
When you listen to THE JACK BENNY SHOW tomorrow night, you'll be following a tradition millions of radio listeners have observed over the years. But there'll be a new twist -- the twist of your radio dial to your local CBS station. Tomorrow night, Sunday, January second, Jack Benny and his merry mad crew start broadcasting exclusively on CBS -- at the same time you've always heard them elsewhere. Mary Livingston, Rochester, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Don Wilson and all the rest of Jack Benny's famous Sunday evening quarterbacks will be on hand for this opening broadcast on CBS. So don't lose out. It's CBS, Sundays at seven, Eastern Standard Time, for THE JACK BENNY SHOW.
MFX:
ROMANCE THEME ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]
ANNOUNCER:
And now, with our stars, Sharon Douglas as Fay Brooks and Harry Bartell as Spike, [X] we bring you the second act of "For Business Reasons."
MFX:
FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]
ANNOUNCER:
It's been another of those long evenings for Fay Brooks while Mr. Harrison has been out with another of his seemingly endless supply of young ladies. But now it's well after midnight and Fay looks up as the door opens. [X]
SFX:
FRONT DOOR OPENS
FAIRBANKS:
(DRUNKEN LAUGHTER) Oh, Spike! I don't know how you think of clever things like that!
SFX:
DOOR CLOSES
SPIKE:
Oh, good evening, Miss Brooks. Still awake?
FAY:
Trying to sleep with Burdette in the same room is not easy.
SPIKE:
We've been drinking vodka. Oh, by the way, Miss Brooks, this is Miss, um--? Uh--?
FAIRBANKS:
Fairbanks.
SPIKE:
Yes.
FAY:
How do you do?
FAIRBANKS:
Spike darlin', I think your house is just adorrrrable!
SPIKE:
Miss Brooks is the sitter for Burdette.
FAIRBANKS:
Oh, and I just loooove Burdette!
SFX:
FAIRBANKS PAT-PAT-PATS BURDETTE NOISILY
FAIRBANKS:
Oh, you nice, wonderful, wonderful dog, you!
BURDETTE:
(SNORES)
SPIKE:
Miss Brooks is quite a reader. Reads heavy stuff. Stuff she can barely lift. Tonight, for instance--
FAY:
Farbstein's Myths of Economic Progress.
FAIRBANKS:
Who wrote that?
FAY:
(FLAT) I don't know. Mr. Harrison, if that's all, I'll go now.
SPIKE:
Oh, the buses have stopped running; I'll drive you home.
FAY:
What about Burdette?
SPIKE:
Oh, Miss, uh--? Miss, uh, uh, um--?
FAIRBANKS:
Fairbanks.
SPIKE:
Miss Fairbanks will look after him. Won't you, Miss Fairbanks?
FAIRBANKS:
(BEAT, HEAVILY IRONIC) I can think of nothing I'd enjoy more.
MFX:
BRIDGE
SFX:
AUTO ENGINE ... THEN SLOWS TO A STOP
FAY:
Well, this is it. This is where I live.
SPIKE:
(AESTHETICALLY OFFENDED) Here? In these? Former barracks? Why do they do these things? With a little dash of ingenuity, a little taste--
FAY:
And the help of the father of some babe with a plunging neckline--
SPIKE:
Why are you living here?
FAY:
Because I'm the type a church mouse would lend money to. Not because I like former barracks.
SPIKE:
You live alone?
FAY:
No. (BRISK, CURT) I share with an ex-GI, and an ex-WAVE, and a six months baby. The WAVE and the GI are going to school. The baby is theirs and isn't going to school. I'm going to school, and I'm a junior. I sleep on the couch.
SPIKE:
(WRY) What's your age, height and weight?
FAY:
Eighteen; five feet two; one hundred ten pounds. No political affiliations.
SPIKE:
Ah, youth, youth. Why, you can't even vote. You-- (BEAT) Miss Brooks? Come here.
BIZ:
PAUSE FOR A KISS
FAY:
(EXHALES HAPPILY) Ohhh.
SPIKE:
Oh, you don't know what a trial Burdette was till you came along. I hope you didn't mind my kissing you like that.
FAY:
(DAZED) Was a little unexpected.
SPIKE:
I just couldn't help it. It sort of came over me; especially since I knew you were upset about something. You - you were kind of pouting.
FAY:
Spike--?
SPIKE:
Are you--? Are you too offended to have a date with me tomorrow night?
FAY:
You mean for sitting?
SPIKE:
No, a regular date.
FAY:
Well--
SPIKE:
And could you wear something besides those saddle shoes and that baggy sweater?
FAY:
I guess so. But I won't have that new "bare" look that all your other dates have had.
SPIKE:
Oh, that's all right. How 'bout it?
FAY:
(PLEASED) Gee. Hard to know what to say other than -- okay.
SPIKE:
I'll come by for you at seven then.
FAY:
No, I'll meet you at your place. Where I live, it's too crowded to receive anybody.
SPIKE:
Oh, that's wonderful service, but, remember, you won't be on salary tomorrow night.
FAY:
(GENUINE) Wonderful. No inhibitions.
SPIKE:
Oh, and one more thing. Now, you should tell me what you've been so upset about.
FAY:
(EXHALES IN RELIEF) It's all over now. You still want to see me. Everything's just fine!
MFX:
BRIDGE
SFX:
LUNCH ROOM BACKGROUND ... DINERS, OCCASIONAL CASH REGISTER, ET CETERA
MISS FISH:
(CRISP, TO COUNTERMAN) And just add a bit more lemon to that Coke, young man. For ten cents, I expect more than ice water.
FAY:
(CHEERFUL) Hello, Miss Fish!
MISS FISH:
Oh, hello. Sit down and join me, Fay. I'm having my "pause that refreshes." What are you up to?
FAY:
Big night, tonight. A date with Spike.
MISS FISH:
I'm astonished. Well, I'll be darned. You like him, hm?
FAY:
(SIGHS) All I can say at this time is that when I'm around him, I feel like I'm gonna blow my top.
MISS FISH:
(CHUCKLES) Well, that's an interesting modern idiom.
FAY:
Last night, he kissed me.
MISS FISH:
Mmmmmmm, that's interesting, too.
FAY:
Do you think I ought to wear that green dress I've been saving for the annual homecoming dance?
MISS FISH:
Certainly! Shoot the works! This is a year of decision.
FAY:
It's pretty daring.
MISS FISH:
My dear child, with some girls that dress might be daring. With you, it may be self-destruction. (HALF-BEAT) Wear it anyway.
MFX:
BRIDGE ... THEN CHANGES TO SOME ROMANTIC RADIO MUSIC ... THEN IN BG
SFX:
FRONT DOOR OPENS
SPIKE:
Oh, good evening, Miss Brooks. You're right-- (STOPS, STUNNED)
FAY:
(PAUSE, PLEASED WITH HIS REACTION) Uh, I can hear the radio from here, but - aren't you going to ask me in? You've always done it before.
SPIKE:
(STAMMERS) Well, yes. Yes, of course!
SFX:
DOOR CLOSES ... FAY WALKS IN
FAY:
What's the matter?
SPIKE:
(STAMMERS) Well, it's just that your dress is-- That you look so-- Well, you didn't really have to be quite so formal. This was going to be a quiet evening at home.
FAY:
Don't you like my dress?
SPIKE:
I love it. But it hardly fits in with flannels and Burdette-chewed sneakers.
FAY:
(CHUCKLES) If you're happy, I don't care.
SPIKE:
I was late getting home. I'm just fixing something in the kitchen. You hungry?
FAY:
(HIDING DISAPPOINTMENT) Well, as a matter of fact, I am. I - I've been saving up since last night because I thought we were going out somewhere.
SPIKE:
Oh, would you mind eating here?
FAY:
Course not. (MILDLY DRY) After all, anyone can go to the Flamingo Room.
SPIKE:
Well, come on in the kitchen. You can watch.
FAY:
(MILDLY DESPERATE) Uh, these high heels don't hurt my feet yet. Can't we go out somewhere while it lasts?
SPIKE:
(OBTUSE) Who'd take care of Burdette?
FAY:
(GIVES UP) Uh, I'll watch you out in the kitchen.
SFX:
THEIR FOOTSTEPS TO KITCHEN WHERE SPIKE FIXES A MEAL DURING FOLLOWING--
SPIKE:
You know, you're an odd girl.
FAY:
What do you mean?
SPIKE:
Well, you don't think my house is "daaahhhhling" and you don't think Burdette is the most wonderful dog in the world.
FAY:
I'm not crazy about either of them.
SPIKE:
I've always said, "Love me, love my dog." Hand me the salt, will ya? (BEAT) Thanks. (BEAT) What are you majoring in at school?
FAY:
Economics.
SPIKE:
Not home economics? You can't cook, can ya?
FAY:
Not much better than you can. Here's a rag to wipe that egg off with.
SPIKE:
Oh, thanks. Well, you know, this whole thing is structurally wrong between us. It's - it's a sort of a triangle -- if you include Burdette. How'd you happen to be a sitter?
FAY:
To quote a joke from an earlier generation, because I'm working my way through school.
SPIKE:
That's my generation you're talking about. That's what I mean.
FAY:
You're not so much older than I am.
SPIKE:
When I'm in a wheelchair at some sanitarium, you'll only be starting to worry about your figure. No, it would never work.
FAY:
You certainly answer your problems as fast as they come along, don't you?
SPIKE:
No point being foolish about it. You're still a child.
FAY:
Still a child, huh? Put down that egg beater a minute. (PAUSE AS SHE PLANTS A FIERY KISS ON HIM)
SPIKE:
Perha-- (CLEARS THROAT) Perhaps not a child, Miss Brooks. But--
FAY:
(SLY) Let's take this food in the other room. The kitchen's awful hot.
MFX:
UP, FOR PUNCTUATION, THEN FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... ROMANTIC RADIO MUSIC FADES IN, CONTINUES IN BG
FAY:
You know, Spike, there's something about sitting in front of a fire.
SPIKE:
(EXHALES) Yeah.
FAY:
Do you still think Burdette would mind too much if there were three of us? You, and Burdette, and me, I mean.
SPIKE:
We could talk him into it.
FAY:
I've been so unfair to you, Spike. Thinking all those things about you and - and those--
SPIKE:
Those other girls? Well, I admit, it looks pretty calculating.
FAY:
I told her you were a cold-blooded opportunist, you know.
SPIKE:
Miss Fish?
FAY:
Yeah. She told me I was wrong.
SPIKE:
She's a good gal. We've had several long talks. Er, look, Fay -- I know you don't want to get married now, right away, but -- will you file it for future reference?
FAY:
(SIGHS) I will, Spike. Oh, yes, I will marry you, darling. Any time you say.
MFX:
UP, FOR BRIDGE
BIZ:
COLLEGE GIRLS CHATTER ... THEN IN BG
FAY:
(HAPPY) And last night he finally asked me to marry him, Miss Fish.
MISS FISH:
He finally asked you?
FAY:
Yes!
MISS FISH:
(DRY) You mean, after knowing him for almost seven days, the old slowpoke got around to it at last?
FAY:
Isn't it wonderful?
MISS FISH:
(WITH A CHUCKLE) Oh, yes, dear; I think it is. Of course, I had an idea it was coming sooner or later.
FAY:
(SURPRISED) You did?
MISS FISH:
Of course! I was house mother at a sorority once. I know all the symptoms. As a matter of fact, I should really take a little credit for the whole romance.
FAY:
(PUZZLED) What do you mean?
MISS FISH:
Once I knew a little of his stratagem with the young ladies -- Campbell, Kramer, Morrowsby and others -- I decided to take a hand myself.
FAY:
(WORRIED) What are you talking about?
MISS FISH:
Well, it so happens there's a rich lumbering family in the state of Washington by the name of Brooks. They own thousands of acres of virgin timber.
FAY:
(DISTRESSED) You're not going to say that--?
MISS FISH:
So I called Burdette -- er, Spike -- and told him that you were the daughter of old man Brooks, the lumber king.
FAY:
(EXHALES UNHAPPILY) Oh!
MISS FISH:
Told him it was a family tradition that all the young ones had to make their own way. But by the time you're twenty-one, you'd have enough six-by-eights in your own name to cover the state of Texas!
FAY:
Oh, no!
MISS FISH:
(CHUCKLES) Quite a little idea for speeding things up, hm? After all, all's fair in love and war, you know.
FAY:
(TEARFUL) Oh, Miss Fish! You couldn't!
MFX:
BRIEF TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG
MISS FISH:
(INTO PHONE) Students' League Sitters Bureau-- Oh, no, Mr. Harrison, I haven't seen Miss Brooks. She hasn't been in at all. ... Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'll give her the message.
MFX:
BRIEF TRANSITION, THEN IN BG
MISS FISH:
(INTO PHONE) Students' League Sit-- I haven't heard anything at all from her myself, Mr. Harrison. ... Yes, sir. I will.
MFX:
BRIEF TRANSITION, THEN IN BG
MISS FISH:
(INTO PHONE) Students' League-- Oh, hello, Mr. Harrison. ... I know it's been three days. ... No, I haven't. But if you'll take the advice of a meddling woman who caused it all -- just wait. She'll come back.
MFX:
BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, OUT ABRUPTLY AT [X]
SFX:
NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND OF CHIRPING CRICKETS ... FAY'S FOOTSTEPS TO SPIKE'S FRONT DOOR ... KNOCK ON DOOR ... PAUSE ... [X] DOOR OPENS
FAY:
(FLAT) Hello.
SPIKE:
(FLAT) Good evening, Miss Brooks. Isn't it funny how I can always remember your name? Come in and have an apple.
FAY:
Thanks.
SFX:
FAY'S FOOTSTEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES CUTTING OFF CRICKETS
FAY:
I thought you'd be in an evening jacket. Aren't you wining and dining any more?
SPIKE:
Been too low in my mind. You know it's been four days since I've heard from you?
FAY:
I know. I disappeared.
SPIKE:
I know.
FAY:
What have you been doing?
SPIKE:
Sitting home with Burdette. We eat egg burgers.
FAY:
Where's Kramer, Campbell and Morrowsby?
SPIKE:
Who knows? Out with other architects.
FAY:
(AWKWARD PAUSE) I'll take Burdette out for a walk, if you want.
SPIKE:
No, thanks.
FAY:
No charge.
SPIKE:
No, thanks. (BEAT, SULLEN) I'm thinking of burning this place to the ground.
FAY:
(EMOTIONAL) Oh, no -- it's a darling house.
SPIKE:
Also, I'm thinking of having Spike put to sleep.
FAY:
(TEARFUL) Oh - oh, no -- you couldn't do that! I adore him! (CALMS DOWN) Anyway, you mean Burdette.
SPIKE:
(WRY) No, I mean Spike.
FAY:
(CHUCKLES THROUGH TEARS)
SPIKE:
(LOVINGLY) Oh, darling.
FAY:
(SOBBING) Oh, Spike!
MFX:
ROMANTIC ... SNEAKS IN
SPIKE:
(TEASING) I'm too old for this. We might as well recognize it.
FAY:
You're not too old. I'm young and strong; I'll take care of you. I'll be your Old Age Benefit.
SPIKE:
(MOCK SOLEMN) I ask this question for the second time and against my better judgment. (BEAT) Will you marry me?
FAY:
Of course I will. Everything's settled. (REALIZES, FRESH TEARS) Oh, no, it isn't! Everything's still spoiled. Miss Fish lied to you -- I'm not the right Miss Brooks. I have absolutely no virgin forests.
SPIKE:
Oh, I knew that right along. Last winter in Palm Springs I had some dates with the "right" Miss Brooks. She was homely -- you're beautiful. (REASSURING) You're not the same girl.
FAY:
We're not?
SPIKE:
Uh uh.
FAY:
(RELIEVED) Oh, Burdette! Aren't we lucky?!
BURDETTE:
(AN AFFIRMATIVE BARK)
MFX:
UP, FOR A FINISH
ANNOUNCER:
ROMANCE, produced and directed by Norman Macdonnell, has brought you Robert Carson's delightful comedy, "For Business Reasons," starring Sharon Douglas and Harry Bartell. Featured in the cast were Lois Corbett, Laurette Fillbrandt, Estelle Dodge and Constance Cavendish. David Light was Burdette. The transcribed adaptation of today's story was by Norman Macdonnell and the special music by Eddie Dunstedter.
MFX:
ROMANCE THEME ... THEN IN BG
ANNOUNCER:
Next week, Mr. Victor Jory is our star and our story is the dashing, rollicking tale of Jean Lafitte in "The Pirate of Orleans." Remember, next week -- Victor Jory in "The Pirate of Orleans."
MFX:
ROMANCE THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--
ANNOUNCER:
Not one, but two opening kickoffs are yours this afternoon on CBS when this network brings you the two classic New Year's Day bowl games -- one immediately following the other. This unprecedented five-and-a-half-hour broadcast will bring you the Rose Bowl game from Pasadena with Northwestern's Wildcats lined up against California's Golden Bears. Mel Allen will be on hand to bring you this great game immediately after Red Barber reports on Miami's Orange Bowl meeting between Georgia's Bulldogs and the University of Texas Longhorns. So start listening at two p. m., Eastern Standard Time, for the first of these great New Year's Day games -- the Orange Bowl game, to be followed immediately by the Rose Bowl game over most of these same CBS network stations.
Now, stay tuned for five minutes of the latest news, to be followed by the "Let's Pretend" program over most of these same CBS network stations.
MFX:
ROMANCE THEME ... THEN IN BG, TILL END
ANNOUNCER:
This is Roy Rowan speaking - for CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.