MUSIC:
ORCHESTRAL INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT
ANNOUNCER:
Presenting Orson Welles as THE THIRD MAN.
MUSIC:
ZITHER PLAYS ANTON KARAS' "THE THIRD MAN THEME" ... THEN UNDER
ANNOUNCER:
THE LIVES OF HARRY LIME -- the fabulous stories of the immortal character originally created in the motion picture THE THIRD MAN, with zither music by Anton Karas.
MUSIC:
ZITHER FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN OUT BEHIND--
HARRY:
Here now is a story of power politics and international intrigue. I got mixed up in it because I decided, just for a change of pace, to earn an honest living. I got myself the concession in Maliñha for Buzzo. Buzzo being, as you probably know, a popular soft drink, and Maliñha being, as you probably don't know, a small island republic in the Mediterranean. The concession I won in a crap game, as it just happened the dice were loaded in my favor. But the way things turned out, I'd have been luckier if I had lost. Stick around, I'll tell you about it.
MUSIC:
ZITHER INTERLUDE ... THEN OUT
ANNOUNCER:
And now, Orson Welles as Harry Lime, The Third Man, in today's story, "The Dead Candidate."
SOUND:
OCEAN LINER BACKGROUND ... ON DECK (WIND, WAVES, WHISTLES, ET CETERA)
MUSIC:
A PLEASANT, ALMOST ROMANTIC, SPANISH GUITAR ... IN BG, OUT GENTLY AT [X]--
HARRY:
Hello. The sea is nice and calm, isn't it?
SUSIE:
Yes.
HARRY:
You getting off at Maliñha City?
SUSIE:
That's right.
HARRY:
Me, too.
SUSIE:
(SURPRISED) For goodness sake, what for?
HARRY:
Buzzo.
SUSIE:
I'm going to get married. But what about you?
HARRY:
Buzzo.
SUSIE:
You keep saying that. Sounds like "buzz-oh."
HARRY:
That's right. Buzzo. Millions of people keep saying it. Keep drinking it, too.
SUSIE:
Oh, sure, I remember. "Buzz off with Buzzo."
HARRY:
"Buzz off with Buzzo," that's it. "The drink thrill for a nickel." I have the concession for Maliñha. Yes, I'm carrying the Buzzo gospel to its last frontier. Aren't you pretty young to be getting married?
SUSIE:
Listen, how would you like to be called Kraus? You're never too young to change a name like that.
HARRY:
(CHUCKLES) I suppose not.
SUSIE:
A lady in Washington told my fortune in a tea cup for fifty cents.
HARRY:
Mm?
SUSIE:
And you know what she said? She said I'm going to marry a diplomat and take a journey across the sea. And look, it's true. Only, what do you think the diplomat's doing now in the bar?
HARRY:
Getting drunk? [X]
SUSIE:
No, playing stud poker with that Greek from the second class.
HARRY:
Is your fiancé a card sharp?
SUSIE:
No, he's just a diplomat. Counsel general in Washington for the Maliñhan Republic. Someday, he says, they're going to let him be the Maliñhan secretary of state.
HARRY:
Yes, sounds wonderful. When's the wedding?
SUSIE:
I don't know. I guess just as soon as I fall in love with him. (SARDONIC) And there he is, playing poker. Looks like it's going to be an awfully long engagement.
HARRY:
How about breaking the monotony? I warn you, Miss Kraus, you're very pretty. I'm going to kiss you.
SUSIE:
(WHY NOT?) Okay. (THEY KISS) That was nice. What's your name?
HARRY:
Harry. Harry Lime.
SUSIE:
It's all right, Harry. You go right ahead and kiss me again.
SOUND:
JOAQUIMO'S STEPS APPROACH
JOAQUIMO:
(MERRILY) I hope I'm not interrupting anything!
SUSIE:
(ANNOYED) Oh, Joaquimo, you wouldn't care even if you were!
HARRY:
(AWKWARD) Well, I - I guess I'll be running along.
JOAQUIMO:
(FRIENDLY) Yeah? Don't, unless you want to.
HARRY:
(MOVING OFF, NERVOUSLY) No, really, I must. Well, I'll be seeing you.
SOUND:
HARRY'S STEPS AWAY
JOAQUIMO:
Hmm.
SUSIE:
Don't you want to know who that was?
JOAQUIMO:
I don't know or care, really. I'll choose my own occasions for being jealous, darling. You can't force these things.
SUSIE:
You're not a Latin at all, Joaquimo.
JOAQUIMO:
Of course I am.
MUSIC:
SPANISH GUITAR SNEAKS IN AGAIN ... THEN IN BG, OUT GENTLY AT [X]
SUSIE:
When I think of Latins, I think of guitars like the one that's playing now. And a moon like that, and a balcony--
JOAQUIMO:
Darling, I don't think a balcony is provided on this boat.
SUSIE:
You wouldn't know what to do with it if there was one.
JOAQUIMO:
What do you do with a balcony?
SUSIE:
Romeo climbed it.
JOAQUIMO:
He did not. He got over the garden wall all right, but the balcony was too much for him. That's the whole purpose for a balcony: to present the opposite sexes to each other with maximum visibility and minimum availability. It's our romantic Latin natures. We prefer reading the fine print only after the contract is signed.
SUSIE:
You know what you are, Joaquimo?
JOAQUIMO:
What?
SUSIE:
You're a poop. Here you are going on about women in general -- when, just two minutes ago, your woman in particular was being kissed.
JOAQUIMO:
Oh, yes. I forgot to ask you. What was that fellow's name?
SUSIE:
Harry Lime.
JOAQUIMO:
Never heard of him. Did I tell you I lost the poker game?
SUSIE:
Listen, Joaquimo, I want to talk to you seriously.
JOAQUIMO:
Oh?
SUSIE:
I don't care how Latin you are. Just because we don't love each other is no reason why we have to get married.
JOAQUIMO:
Let's sleep on it.
SUSIE:
I don't want to sleep!
JOAQUIMO:
You'd better; we're getting into port early tomorrow morning. [X]
SUSIE:
I never should have let him go. That was my mistake.
JOAQUIMO:
Who? That fellow Lime?
SUSIE:
That fellow Lime. He's not just "That fellow Lime."
JOAQUIMO:
(YAWNS) Well, then who is he?
SUSIE:
He's Harry Lime.
JOAQUIMO:
And what of it?
SUSIE:
You mean to tell me you never heard of J. Harry Lime?
JOAQUIMO:
Never.
SUSIE:
I'm surprised at you. Honestly I am. How long were you in Washington?
JOAQUIMO:
What's that got to do with it?
SUSIE:
You were the diplomatic representative of your country and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Haven't you any idea why Harry Lime is going to Maliñha?
JOAQUIMO:
Why?
SUSIE:
You don't know?
JOAQUIMO:
No, I don't.
SUSIE:
To look things over for the President, that's all.
JOAQUIMO:
The President of Maliñha?
SUSIE:
No! The President of the United States!
JOAQUIMO:
And what's he got to do with the President?
SUSIE:
What has Harry J. Lime got to do with the President?!
JOAQUIMO:
I thought it was J. Harry Lime.
SUSIE:
It's the same thing.
JOAQUIMO:
You mean he's one of those presidential advisors?
SUSIE:
The President doesn't make a move without him.
JOAQUIMO:
Oh.
SUSIE:
Of course, you don't see his picture much in the papers. He likes to keep behind the scenes.
JOAQUIMO:
(SKEPTICAL) But, Susie-- Oh, you're always making up stories. I'll bet this is another one. If the President was sending somebody to Maliñha, we would have heard about it.
SUSIE:
But this is unofficial.
JOAQUIMO:
Oh?
SUSIE:
Yes. That's the way he always works. Unofficially. Incognito. This time, he's pretending to be a representative for Buzzo.
JOAQUIMO:
For what?
SUSIE:
You know, "Buzz off with Buzzo." It's a soft drink.
MUSIC:
SPANISH GUITAR SNEAKS IN AGAIN ... THEN IN BG--
JOAQUIMO:
Very interesting, very interesting. I'll tell you what, Susie. If you go down that companionway and then up by the prow, you can see the porpoises.
SUSIE:
The who?
JOAQUIMO:
Porpoises.
SUSIE:
What of it?
JOAQUIMO:
They're phosphorescent.
SUSIE:
Why, I don't care.
JOAQUIMO:
(INSISTS) Well, go and look at them anyway. I'll be with you in a minute.
SUSIE:
Well, at least you're being forceful. (MOVING OFF) That's some improvement!
SOUND:
SUSIE'S STEPS AWAY BEHIND--
JOAQUIMO:
(CALLS AFTER HER) I'm just going to send a cable, dear; I'll be right with you!
SOUND:
JOAQUIMO'S STEPS TO RADIO ROOM DOOR ... KNOCK ON DOOR ... DOOR OPENS ... RADIO ROOM BACKGROUND (BEEP AND HUM OF RADIO, ET CETERA)
RADIO MAN:
Yes?
JOAQUIMO:
You're the wireless man, aren't you?
RADIO MAN:
That's me.
SOUND:
SPANISH GUITAR OUT
JOAQUIMO:
Mm, you've been playing your guitar very nimbly.
RADIO MAN:
Thanks. You wanna hear somethin' special?
JOAQUIMO:
Yes, amigo -- the sound of your quick hand on the telegraph key. A nation's fate depends on you! Now, see if you can take this from dictation. (A QUICK ASIDE, ALMOST TO HIMSELF) Er, it should be in code, of course, but then, code costs a little money and a little money is exactly what my country doesn't have.
SOUND:
RAPID CLICKING! OF TELEGRAPH KEY IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--
JOAQUIMO:
(CLEARS THROAT, DICTATES FORCEFULLY) "Maliñhan Foreign Ministry! Most secret! Most urgent! Lime -- repeat, Lime -- first name Harry -- arrives Maliñha by ship tomorrow." (TO RADIO MAN) Am I going too fast for you?
RADIO MAN:
Nah, that's okay.
JOAQUIMO:
Good. (DICTATES) "For your information, this Lime is the American president's chief confidential advisor. Lime's purpose visiting Maliñha obvious. Stop. Certain I need not remind you that our repeated attempts to obtain financial aid for Maliñha from Washington been always rebuffed due to American prejudice against what they refer to as, quote, dictatorship, unquote. Stop. This presidential advisor Lime will be looking for evidence of despotism, comma, brutality, comma, and terrorism in a police state. Need I say that he will not find any such thing? Repeat, Lime will not find any such thing. Yours 'democratically,' Joaquimo."
SOUND:
CLICKING STOPS
RADIO MAN:
Is that all?
JOAQUIMO:
Right. Send it straight wire.
RADIO MAN:
That'll be twenty dollars, mister.
JOAQUIMO:
Er, my - my fiancée will pay you. (SWEETLY) Good night.
MUSIC:
TRANSITION
SOUND:
BOAT WHISTLE ... BACKGROUND OF SHIP IN PORT
HARRY:
Good morning.
SUSIE:
Good morning, Harry. Well, we're almost ready to land.
HARRY:
Mmm.
SUSIE:
Have you ever been to Maliñha before, Harry?
HARRY:
No, I haven't, Susie.
SUSIE:
I just thought I'd ask.
HARRY:
Looks nice from here; all those banners and flags. Must be a holiday, huh?
SUSIE:
Don't you know what's going on yet?
HARRY:
I don't know anything about this place.
SUSIE:
Well, it's an awful little dictatorship for one thing. Harry, what are you really doing here?
HARRY:
What do you mean really doing? Buzzo, that's what I'm doing. Buzzo.
SUSIE:
Well, you just keep on saying Buzzo.
HARRY:
Well, people keep on drinking Buzzo.
SUSIE:
Not in Maliñha. They drink Abomino. It's made out of the rinds of tangerines.
HARRY:
Well, the days of Abomino are drawing to a close.
MUSIC:
DURING ABOVE, BAND STRIKES UP A LIVELY TUNE
HARRY:
What's that noise?
SUSIE:
I think it's the Maliñhan national anthem. Look, there's a pilot coming out to meet us.
HARRY:
Yeah, they've got an orchestra on the pilot boat, too. They're really going to town.
SUSIE:
Harry, I'm afraid I've started something.
HARRY:
Hmm?
SUSIE:
Will you take my advice?
HARRY:
Gladly.
SUSIE:
The first thing you do when you meet the dictator is to get him to sign over that Buzzo concession. Now's the time, Harry.
HARRY:
Yes, but how do I get to see the dictator?
SUSIE:
He's coming out to meet you.
HARRY:
(SKEPTICAL, DRY) Sure, sure, with all his cabinet.
SUSIE:
That's right, with all his cabinet.
HARRY:
(CHANGES SUBJECT) Have you got any money?
SUSIE:
There's three dollars left in my purse. Why?
HARRY:
Wonderful. You can take me to dinner tonight. Later in the season, when the citizens start buzzing off with Buzzo, I'll take you.
SUSIE:
But we're all having dinner together.
HARRY:
We're all having--? (DOUBLE TAKE) Joaquimo is coming, too?
SUSIE:
Not only Joaquimo. The president, the president's wife, the cabinet, and everybody!
HARRY:
By the president, you mean this dictator, Admiral, er, er, whosis--?
SUSIE:
Admiral Khuchybamba and Lolita.
HARRY:
Lolita?
SUSIE:
You know, the famous Lolita.
HARRY:
That's Mrs. Khuchybamba?
SUSIE:
It's Mrs. Dictator.
HARRY:
And we're all having dinner -- at the same table?
SUSIE:
That's right.
HARRY:
You're kidding.
SUSIE:
Look at those banners on the dock. Here, take my binoculars.
HARRY:
Thanks.
SUSIE:
Read what the banners say.
HARRY:
Hmm. (READS SLOWLY, MUMBLING TO HIMSELF) "Viva Harry Lime." (LAUGHS, TO SUSIE) That's funny. You know what it looks like? It looks like, "Viva Harry Lime."
SUSIE:
That's what it says, all right.
SOUND:
CROWD ROARS APPROVAL ... CONTINUES IN BG
MUSIC:
BAND CONTINUES IN BG
HARRY:
(NARRATES) I give you my word, that's how it happened. It wasn't my doing at all. Here I was actually trying to hustle an honest buck. Here I was going straight. And look what I got into. Politics. (PAUSE) Susie managed to explain the situation to me just before the official greeting committee got on board. She only meant to impress her boyfriend and here was the whole Maliñhan republic -- or rather dictatorship -- turning itself out to impress me. First, I was surrounded by numberless dusty-faced little gents all jingling with medals, and then I was confronted by the fabulous Lolita. Lolita, with her regrettable [?], her very sharp little teeth, baleful green eyes, and skin like uncolored marzipan.
MUSIC:
DURING ABOVE, BAND FALLS SILENT
SOUND:
CROWD QUIETS TO A MURMUR
LOLITA:
Señor Lime? In the name of our glorious leader, my husband, I bid you welcome to the island paradise of Maliñha. Viva Maliñha!
CROWD:
Viva Maliñha!
LOLITA:
Viva Harry Lime!
CROWD:
Viva Harry Lime!
LOLITA:
Viva Lolita!
CROWD:
Viva Lolita!
SOUND:
CROWD ROARS LUSTILY AT LENGTH
MUSIC:
ZITHER TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATION--
HARRY:
(NARRATES) On shore, the beat-up-looking characters without any shoes had been issued armloads of paper roses. They threw the roses at me. Then I was put in an open car with Lolita and off we went for a triumphal tour of the island.
SOUND:
CROWD ROARS ... CAR DRIVES OFF WITH ACCOMPANYING POLICE SIRENS
MUSIC:
ORCHESTRAL CURTAIN
ANNOUNCER:
Orson Welles returns in just a moment as THE THIRD MAN.
MUSIC:
ZITHER INTERLUDE
ANNOUNCER:
And now, Orson Welles, as THE THIRD MAN, continues with today's story, "The Dead Candidate."
MUSIC:
ZITHER INTRODUCTION
HARRY:
(NARRATES) As of six-thirty that afternoon I was still an honored guest of the Maliñhan state and a banquet was scheduled in my honor. We take you now to the presidential palace where Lolita is pinning herself into her evening dress. The Admiral, his medals all arranged, is waiting for her on the other side of the screen.
SOUND:
KNOCK ON DOOR
LOLITA:
See who that is, Sugarplum.
SOUND:
ADMIRAL'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS
ADMIRAL:
It's Joaquimo!
JOAQUIMO:
Your Excellency.
ADMIRAL:
Yes, Joaquimo?
JOAQUIMO:
My uncle Izidor is fading fast. I expect to hear any moment that he has taken wing.
ADMIRAL:
Too bad. The best foreign minister I ever had.
JOAQUIMO:
I gather I inherit the post.
ADMIRAL:
But-- What--?
JOAQUIMO:
Please don't bother to object, Your Excellency. My uncle Izidor has recovered speech long enough to brief me on the job.
LOLITA:
What do you mean?
JOAQUIMO:
Señora, the essential for a post in your husband's government is information.
LOLITA:
I cannot remember that your uncle Izidor was ever Minister of Information.
JOAQUIMO:
He was Minister of Culture, which is a title, and Chief of Secret Police, which is a fact. In Maliñha, information is politically important in direct relation to who has it about who. Uncle Izidor had lots and lots about everybody, a legacy he's handing down to me. But don't worry, all of that will be as closely guarded as before. I look upon this as a point of family honor.
LOLITA:
And I look upon it as a form of blackmail!
JOAQUIMO:
I suggest we stop bickering, Señora, and get down to immediate questions of state.
LOLITA:
Such as?
JOAQUIMO:
Such as persuading this Harry Lime to use his influence in Washington to get us some of that money.
ADMIRAL:
And how are we going to do that?
LOLITA:
Oh, that's easy! By convincing Lime that Maliñha is really a democracy.
JOAQUIMO:
No. These phony demonstrations of democracy for Lime's benefit have put us in a difficult position.
ADMIRAL:
Difficult? Difficult! Just like the speech Lolita made today.
LOLITA:
What about my speech?
JOAQUIMO:
Señora, it was dynamite.
ADMIRAL:
You promised the people freedom of speech, freedom of worship, shorter hours, higher pay, old-age benefits, and hot lunches for the children in school. Naturally there was applause. We don't even have a school to serve the lunches in!
LOLITA:
That was just for Lime's benefit till we get his name on a check!
JOAQUIMO:
It's not that easy.
ADMIRAL:
Free press, free speech, free lunches. The next thing, they will be wanting to vote!
JOAQUIMO:
That's just what I was going to suggest.
ADMIRAL:
You--? What?!
JOAQUIMO:
We must -- in the words of Shakespeare -- busy giddy minds with a presidential campaign.
LOLITA:
(INCREDULOUS) You mean with more than one candidate?
ADMIRAL:
And ballots to fill out?
JOAQUIMO:
We're trying to look like a democracy, aren't we? Well, what could be more convincingly democratic than a presidential election?
LOLITA:
That's just silly.
ADMIRAL:
I must say, I agree with Lolita. The idea of a presidential election in Maliñha is silly.
JOAQUIMO:
May I ask why?
ADMIRAL:
Why? Because there's only me to vote for.
JOAQUIMO:
Suppose we find someone else.
ADMIRAL:
Why should we?
LOLITA:
(UNDERSTANDS) You mean somebody on our side! Somebody safe. Me, for instance! Señora Presidente! Sounds rather nice.
ADMIRAL:
Now, Sweetmeat, let's not get ourselves excited.
JOAQUIMO:
Since a Communist menace is just as necessary to an election, it's my suggestion we combine the two.
ADMIRAL:
And you want me to run against the Red?
JOAQUIMO:
Mm hm.
ADMIRAL:
Where are you going to find one?
JOAQUIMO:
Well, I did think of Campo.
ADMIRAL:
Campo?! We only called him a Red. Poor old Campo. I - I'd almost forgotten him. He was nothing but a milk-and-water Social Democrat. Besides, the real trouble with Campo is he is dead.
LOLITA:
Who's Campo, Sugarplum?
ADMIRAL:
Before your time, Sweetmeat. Campo was president of the republic before the coup d'état.
LOLITA:
What did he die of?
ADMIRAL:
Oh, some of the boys were chasing him.
LOLITA:
The boys?
ADMIRAL:
My boys.
JOAQUIMO:
It was fairly rough going in the last days of the civil war, Señora.
ADMIRAL:
You know the sea-cliff, out west of the country club above the prison camp, called "Lovers' Leap"? Well, Campo leapt. We told the people that he fled, escaping justice by leaving the country -- which is, after all, more or less what happened. By the way, where's Lime?
LOLITA:
In the Grand Imperial Hotel in his suite. He wanted a hot bath.
ADMIRAL:
If he gets it at the Grand Imperial, he made history.
JOAQUIMO:
While I was in America, Excellency, I made quite a survey of election campaign methods, and in many cities and even in some states--
ADMIRAL:
Sweetmeat, make me another drink.
JOAQUIMO:
Look, I'm sorry to press this point, but I'm not mistaken, am I, in the belief that we're facing a real crisis?
ADMIRAL:
Crisis? Bankruptcy! (TO LOLITA) Not too much water, Sweetmeat.
JOAQUIMO:
Now, to get back to the American elections--
LOLITA:
Don't eat so many nuts, Sugarplum.
JOAQUIMO:
Let us say that some political machine is challenged by a reform party. Well, first, if this other party gets a bigger vote, there's the venerable tradition of dropping the ballot boxes in the river. But! -- the best tactic is to ensure victory from the outset, and for this purpose, the cemetery is best.
ADMIRAL:
The what?!
LOLITA:
What good's a cemetery?
JOAQUIMO:
Party workers are sent to the public graveyards. They consult the names on the tombstones and make careful lists, which come in very handy on election day. There is no better way of getting a comfortable majority for the straight party ticket. Really, there's nothing more reliable than the dead voter. Now, my idea is even better. Without boasting, I feel it bears the hallmark of true statesmanship.
ADMIRAL:
(IMPATIENT) All right, all right; what is it?
JOAQUIMO:
I'll put it simply.
ADMIRAL:
I doubt that, but go on.
JOAQUIMO:
If you can improve your chances in political campaigns by using dead voters, why not make absolutely sure?
ADMIRAL:
Fine. But how do you do it?
JOAQUIMO:
Isn't it obvious? A dead candidate!
MUSIC:
ACCENT ... THEN OUT BEHIND--
HARRY:
(NARRATES) Naturally, I wasn't present for any of these secret meetings of state, but later I managed to piece it all together - in jail. How did I happen to be in jail? We're coming to that. Just for a minute, let's review the situation. The Maliñhan dictatorship was busy turning itself into a democracy to put it over on Harry Lime, who in turn was putting it over on Maliñha.
MUSIC:
ZITHER TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG--
HARRY:
(NARRATES) The banquet -- in my honor -- was a big "do" in which all the guests got themselves nicely tanked up on Abomino. I managed finally to get away for a taxi ride with Susie.
SOUND:
TAXI ENGINE PUTTERS, IN BG
HARRY:
(NARRATES) The driver took us up to a place called "Lovers' Leap."
MUSIC:
OUT
DRIVER:
"Lovers' Leap" is what they call it, Señorita. But "Campo's Leap" is the real name.
SOUND:
DURING ABOVE, TAXI ENGINE OUT
SUSIE:
Campo? That's the name of the man who's going to run in the election.
HARRY:
Hmmm.
SUSIE:
They told us about it tonight, Harry.
HARRY:
Sure they did.
SUSIE:
But, driver, you don't mean to say he jumped in the ocean from here?
DRIVER:
Señorita, he did not have any choice.
HARRY:
But he couldn't have lived!
DRIVER:
Oh, we have always told ourselves that he did, Señor. A sardine boat picked him up, and someday he come sailing back and deliver Maliñha from its bondage.
HARRY:
But, driver, haven't you heard about the election?
SUSIE:
Maybe the driver wasn't at the banquet.
HARRY:
Oh, that's true. Well, driver, they just announced the election tonight. Campo is going to run for president.
DRIVER:
Too bad.
HARRY:
Well, why "too bad"?
DRIVER:
Well, you said they were running him for president.
HARRY:
Yes?
DRIVER:
(DISAPPOINTED) Hmm. Then he must certainly be dead.
MUSIC:
QUICK ZITHER TRANSITION
LOLITA:
Yes, but what happens if they elect him?
JOAQUIMO:
Elect who?
LOLITA:
The dead candidate, of course! It's your idea. What happens if this Social Democrat -- this Campo -- wins the election?
JOAQUIMO:
Señora, of course he'll win it!
LOLITA:
How can he if he's dead?
JOAQUIMO:
That's just what makes it such good politics. We encourage the popular notion that Campo is alive, and since he's not, he's the perfect candidate to run against the Admiral.
LOLITA:
But that means Sugarplum will be defeated!
JOAQUIMO:
Yes; the voting public is notoriously ungrateful. But listen to this, Señora. We rig it so that Campo apparently announces that infirmity and old age make it inadvisable for him to return from exile.
LOLITA:
I should think so. The man's dead!
MUSIC:
QUICK ZITHER TRANSITION
HARRY:
(NARRATES, AMOROUS) Meanwhile, up on Campo's Leap, the Maliñhan moon was still going full force.
SUSIE:
(LOW) Harry?
HARRY:
(LOW, AMOROUS) Yes, Susie?
SUSIE:
Come closer.
HARRY:
Closer? Not bad.
SUSIE:
No. Keep your head up. I want to get a look at you.
DRIVER:
Ah, Señorita, you have noticed it as well.
HARRY:
(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, driver, you're a very nice driver, I'm sure, but I wish you'd go away.
DRIVER:
No, Señor, no. You will be needing me to drive you to the hospital.
HARRY:
Hospital?
SUSIE:
It's true. You're coming out in spots. Isn't he, driver?
DRIVER:
Yes, and just wait till you see him tomorrow morning.
HARRY:
Spots? What kind of spots?
DRIVER:
Maliñhan measles, Señor. That'll be three weeks at least, Señor -- in quarantine!
MUSIC:
ACCENT ... THEN IN BG--
HARRY:
(NARRATES) Maliñhan measles. That's what I had to thank for missing the better part of the history-making Maliñhan election campaign. However, Susie -- who came daily to push fresh fruit through the bars of the pest house -- kept me pretty closely informed.
MUSIC:
QUICK TRANSITION
SOUND:
KNOCKING AT DOOR
JOAQUIMO:
Come in, come in!
SOUND:
DOOR OPENS
SUSIE:
Is this your office, Joaquimo?
JOAQUIMO:
Yes. Excuse the shirt sleeves, but we're awfully busy in here.
SUSIE:
With all those titles on the door?
JOAQUIMO:
Yes, I'm now acting Minister of Culture, -- have a drink -- Chief of Secret Police, and the Admiral's campaign manager.
SOUND:
DURING ABOVE, DRINK POURED
JOAQUIMO:
Here you are.
SUSIE:
Thanks, Joaquimo. (DRINKS, SURPRISED) Why, this is Buzzo!
JOAQUIMO:
Certainly it's Buzzo. The stuff is sweeping Abomino right off the market.
SUSIE:
Now, tell me about Campo.
JOAQUIMO:
Campo's doing almost as well.
SUSIE:
And Freezo?
JOAQUIMO:
Freezo? Never heard of him. No, besides the Admiral, Campo's the only candidate.
SUSIE:
Freezo isn't a candidate; it's a drink.
JOAQUIMO:
You mean like Buzzo?
SUSIE:
Well, Freezo is better than Buzzo, really, if you ask me.
JOAQUIMO:
I didn't. Lime gave me a nice percentage of the Buzzo concession and there's no need for competition.
SUSIE:
Competition is democracy.
JOAQUIMO:
Exactly! Here, let me read you Campo's dying words; I just wrote them. (READS) "Belovèd fellow countrymen--" (TO SUSIE) You see, we thought we'd best let him die officially just on the election eve. More dramatic that way and a whole lot safer.
SOUND:
KNOCKING AT DOOR
JOAQUIMO:
Come in, come in!
SOUND:
DOOR OPENS
HARRY:
Hello, it's me.
JOAQUIMO:
(SURPRISED) Keep your distance! You're in quarantine!
HARRY:
Not any more. I sawed out the bars with my nail file. Besides, my spots are fading, aren't they, Susie?
SUSIE:
A little, Harry, but there's such a lot of them, aren't there?
HARRY:
Joaquimo, I came here to make a confession.
JOAQUIMO:
I'm sorry, we haven't got time for that now.
HARRY:
No, this election has gone far enough.
JOAQUIMO:
(PLEASED) You mean you got instructions from Washington?
HARRY:
No, I don't ever get any instructions from Washington.
JOAQUIMO:
No?
HARRY:
This was Susie's idea, Joaquimo. She just made up one of her little
stories. You know how--
JOAQUIMO:
I - I haven't got time-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Wait a minute! What are you trying to tell me? You are not the President's right-hand man?
HARRY:
Correct.
JOAQUIMO:
You're under arrest!
HARRY:
Arrest?
SUSIE:
What for?
JOAQUIMO:
Suspicion of being an American spy! Take him away!
MUSIC:
ZITHER TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATION--
HARRY:
(NARRATES) En route to the hoosegow, my little escort party and I encountered a new visitor to the island -- a dapper ambassadorial sort of character with a crew cut. (TO JONES, DESPERATELY) Uh, uh-- Look here, are you an American?
JONES:
(WITH DIGNITY) I am, yes.
HARRY:
Oh, thank heaven. Maybe you can get me out of this. My name is Lime--
JONES:
(STARTLED) Lime?! Did you say Lime?
HARRY:
(SURPRISED) Yes, Lime.
JONES:
Not Lime, of Buzzo?
HARRY:
Well, yes.
JONES:
(COOL) I'm Jones, of Freezo. (SHARPLY) Good day, sir!
MUSIC:
ZITHER TRANSITION
SOUND:
BUSY CROWD OF OFFICE WORKERS MURMURS AND SHOUTS ... THEN IN BG--
JOAQUIMO:
(URGENT) Look, get me the newspaper! Get me the newspaper on the phone! (TO ALL) Quiet now, everybody! Quiet now! Let's keep our heads! (INTO PHONE) Hello, hello? Is this the editor's office? (TO ALL) Quiet! (INTO PHONE) Here's your headline for tomorrow: "Fraud at polls discovered! Martial law declared!" (TO SOMEONE ELSE) That's right! Call out the guards! Close all the bars and the billiard halls! Shut off the telephones! (INTO PHONE) Wait, wait! Wait, I can improve that headline!
ADMIRAL:
Qui-et!
SOUND:
BUSY CROWD FALLS SILENT
ADMIRAL:
Never mind the newspapers. Send the boys out to burn up the ballot
boxes.
SOUND:
DOOR OPENS ... LOLITA'S STEPS IN
LOLITA:
(APPROACHES) Too late, too late!
ADMIRAL:
What do you mean, "too late"?
LOLITA:
Too late, too late!
JOAQUIMO:
It doesn't matter a bit if Campo's elected.
LOLITA:
Yes, but it does matter if he's alive.
JOAQUIMO:
Alive?!
SOUND:
CROWD MURMURS BRIEFLY ("Campo alive?")
JOAQUIMO:
You mean Campo isn't dead after all?
LOLITA:
He certainly isn't. He's been in America all this time working for Freezo.
ADMIRAL:
What's Freezo?
JOAQUIMO:
(DISMISSIVE) Another one of those soft drinks.
LOLITA:
Campo's been working as a bottle washer in the Scranton works. Well, you know how Freezo feels about Buzzo.
JOAQUIMO:
Señora, this is not a competition between soda pops!
LOLITA:
Oh, yes, it is! Now Freezo sees a way to edge Buzzo out of Maliñha. They've chartered a special plane!
ADMIRAL:
A special plane?
LOLITA:
Yes! President-elect Campo is due into Maliñha tonight!
ADMIRAL:
Well, you know what that means.
JOAQUIMO:
It means a special plane for us -- going out. (BEAT, SADLY) Well, Your Excellency, we have dared greatly and we have failed.
SOUND:
DOOR OPENS ... JONES'S STEPS IN
ADMIRAL:
Yes? What do you want?
JONES:
My name is Jones.
LOLITA:
Who cares?
JONES:
Jones, of Freezo. Señora, Your Excellency, gentlemen, I beg to inform you that Maliñha is liberated.
LOLITA:
What do you mean, "liberated"?
JONES:
You must face the logic of history, Señora.
HARRY:
(NARRATES) Yes, democracy has come to Maliñha -- by courtesy of Freezo.
CROWD:
Viva Freezo! (ROARS APPROVAL)
MUSIC:
CURTAIN
ANNOUNCER:
Harry Lime returns in just a moment.
MUSIC:
ZITHER INTERLUDE ... THEN OUT
ANNOUNCER:
And now, Harry Lime.
MUSIC:
ZITHER ... IN AND BEHIND HARRY--
HARRY:
Included in the liberation, I'm glad to say, was one slightly spotted jailbird by the name of Harry Lime. I was also included on the passenger list of the outgoing plane.
MUSIC:
OUT
HARRY:
And there you have it. The inside dope on the birth of a nation. (BEAT) I'll never go straight again.
MUSIC:
ZITHER PLAYS "THE THIRD MAN THEME"