ANNOUNCER:

Teel, for a beautiful smile! THE LIFE OF RILEY, for laughs!

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNOUNCER:

Teel -- T-E-E-L -- Teel, the amazing liquid dentifrice. That's it -- T-E-E-L!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Teel, the amazing liquid dentifrice, brings you THE LIFE OF RILEY, with William Bendix as Riley!

SOUND:

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Remember, friends, for a beautiful smile, it's T-E-E-L -- Teel! And just for laughs, it's R-I-L-E-Y, Riley, in "The Life of Riley"!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

(MOCK MELODRAMA) Over the garden of Chester A. Riley's California bungalow, darkness has fallen. Darkness and silence. In the blackness of the backyard, our hero Riley stands -- a solitary figure, alert and watchful -- waiting, waiting. Ah! What's that? Footsteps on the gravel path. And now the fearless Riley grows tense. The footsteps come closer, closer. Suddenly, Riley leaps forward!

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS ... THEN RILEY LUNGES

RILEY:

Aha!

PEG:

(SHRIEKS, THEN GRUNTS AND STRUGGLES IN BG)

SOUND:

SCUFFLE

RILEY:

(WITH EFFORT) I gotcha! It's no use strugglin'! You may be bigger than me, but I ain't afraid of you! I gotcha!

PEG:

Riley! Let go of me!

SOUND:

SCUFFLE ENDS

RILEY:

(DOUBLE TAKE, RECOGNIZES PEG) D'uhh! Dumplin'? Oh. Oh, it's you.

PEG:

(EXHALES IN RELIEF)

RILEY:

It's good thing you yelled out when we started to fight. Otherwise, I mighta got hurt. ...

PEG:

Riley! What's the big idea of scarin' the wits out of people?!

RILEY:

Huh?

PEG:

And what are you doin' out in the garden this time of night?

RILEY:

(LOW, CONSPIRATORIALLY) Sssshhhh! Peg, not so loud. I'm watchin'.

PEG:

Watchin' what?

RILEY:

My carrots. ...

PEG:

For heaven's sake, Riley, why should anybody want to steal your carrots?

RILEY:

Well, I think somebody found out that I got a secret fertilizer for makin' vegetables grow very big. And they wanna steal it.

PEG:

Secret fertilizer?

RILEY:

Yeah.

PEG:

Oh, you mean that awful mixture you've been mixin' out of vitamins and dried fish? Oh, ho ho, Riley! (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

RILEY:

Oh, all right. Sure. Go ahead. Laugh. Sure. Go on. ... They laughed at all the great scientists who were tryin' to benefit mankind. They laughed at Louis Pasteur when he gave microbes to humanity. ...

PEG:

Oh, ho ho! Come in the house[, Louis].

RILEY:

No, no -- I'm watchin' for this carrot crook. And when I catch him, I'm-- (BEAT, LOW, TENSE) Look! Peg! The prowler! There he is.

PEG:

Where?

RILEY:

Over there.

PEG:

(LAUGHS) Riley, it's only a rabbit.

RILEY:

A - a rabbit? Ah! I'll fix him. Where's a stick? I'll scare the daylights out of him.

PEG:

Oh, dear, it's late. Come on in.

RILEY:

Okay, okay, but you don't know rabbits. By tomorrow, there'll be more rabbits than I can shake a stick at. ...

SOUND:

RILEY AND PEG'S STEPS THROUGH BACK DOOR AND INTO HOUSE DURING FOLLOWING--

RILEY:

Say, er, did Babs get me some more dried fish for my fertilizer?

PEG:

Oh, no. She went to the movies with Simon Vanderhopper.

RILEY:

Simon--? (WITH DISAPPROVAL) Oh, that Simon! I don't want that loafer takin' my daughter to movies.

PEG:

What's wrong with the movies?

RILEY:

I've been in them movies! I've seen what goes on with the younger generation in them balconies! ...

PEG:

Well, what if Simon does hold Babs' hand?

RILEY:

Holdin' hands is one thing. Doin' it with a half nelson is another. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

BABS:

Simon, you'd better go. I only letcha come into the house because you said you wanted a glass of water. But you didn't even drink it.

SIMON:

I tricked ya, Babs! I had another reason for coming into the house and sitting beside ya on the couch.

BABS:

(PLEASED; NERVOUSLY CHUCKLES; SHYLY) What was the reason? (CHUCKLES)

SIMON:

My feet are killing me. ...

BABS:

Simon, you'd better go before my father comes in and catches you here.

SIMON:

Not yet. First ya gotta kiss me!

BABS:

Why, Simon, behave!

SIMON:

I can't go on like this. Just seein' ya makes my blood boil. Right now I can feel my corpuscles cookin'. ... I love ya, Babs. (STRAINS TO SOUND PASSIONATE) I love ya madly! ...

BABS:

Simon, for heaven's sake, will you go?

SIMON:

Gee, I don't understand why your father can't learn to like me. My father learned to like me. ... Maybe if I went in and had a man-to-man talk with him.

BABS:

Oh, maybe, but that better wait till after Easter. He's in a bad mood tonight. He's in charge of an Easter party his lodge is giving and he's having a terrible time trying to think up clever stunts for the children.

SIMON:

Maybe if I helped your father with his Easter party, that might change his attitude toward me.

BABS:

Oh, well, maybe, but-- Well, have you got an idea?

SIMON:

Well, at the party, I could dress up like an Easter bunny.

BABS:

A bunny? Oh, Simon, that's wonderful! Why, the children would love a big bunny.

SIMON:

Uh, that is, if I don't have to hop. I can't hop very well. I have fallen arches. ...

BABS:

All you'll have to do is hand out the Easter eggs to the kids. Oh, come on, let's go tell daddy.

SIMON:

Uh, no, he might not want to listen. Let's surprise him! I'll rent a rabbit suit and tomorrow night I'll put it on and I'll sneak in through your garden. ... Oh, boy! Somebody's gonna get a big surprise! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

WALDO:

Yoo hoo! Mr. Riley?! ... It's me -- Waldo Binney.

RILEY:

Oh, hello, Waldo. How are ya?

WALDO:

Oh, my achin' back. [Oh, my saggin' sacroiliac.] ... Seems my dear wife got an anonymous Easter card and recognized my handwriting. ...

RILEY:

Well, what did you say on the card, Waldo?

WALDO:

It was a poem.

RILEY:

Mm hm.

WALDO:

(RECITES)
The little buds grow into flowers
When Easter comes our way.
And you, my darling, you grow, too.
You grow five pounds a day. ...

RILEY:

Well, no wonder she beat you up.

WALDO:

Yes, but I got revenge. Just wait till she sinks her teeth into the colored eggs I gave her.

RILEY:

Why, Waldo?

WALDO:

Well, you see, one of them isn't an egg. It's a chocolate-covered billiard ball. (CACKLES) ...

RILEY:

(MILDLY DISAPPROVING) Oh, what a thing to do!

WALDO:

Oh, yes, I'm a fiend. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, goodnight, Mr. Riley, it's getting late.

RILEY:

Yeah, I know, but I'm stayin' out here. I gotta watch my carrots. Last night there was a little rabbit nibblin' at them. If I ever lay my hands on that rabbit, my wife's coat will have a new mink collar. ...

WALDO:

Uh, Mr. Riley--?

RILEY:

Hm?

WALDO:

Are you still experimenting with your fertilizer?

RILEY:

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I call it "Riley-Gro." It's gonna make my vegetables so big I'll have to pull 'em out of the ground with a bulldozer. ... I'll make a fortune!

WALDO:

(TENSE) Mr. Riley--?

RILEY:

What's the matter?

WALDO:

There's something moving out there now.

RILEY:

Oh, it must be the rabbit.

WALDO:

See? Over by the fence there?

RILEY:

Yeah. Yeah, it's all white and-- (BEAT, STUNNED) Holy smoke!

WALDO:

Heavens to Betsy!

RILEY:

Jumpin' catfish!

WALDO:

Oh, my stars!

RILEY:

Waldo?! Do you see what I see?!

WALDO:

Yes, I see it.

RILEY:

A rabbit -- five feet tall! ...

WALDO:

Oh, my! He's comin' toward us. Save me, Mr. Riley.

RILEY:

(SCARED) He's goin' to attack. Don't be afraid, Waldo. I'll protect ya. Stand in front of me. ...

WALDO:

He's comin' closer.

RILEY:

(PANICS, TO RABBIT) Get away! Get away! Shoo! Shoo! Get away! (YELLS AND THROWS ROCKS BEHIND--)

WALDO:

(OVERLAPS) Now - now-- It's all right, Mr. Riley! You can stop now. He's gone. Stop, stop.

RILEY:

(CALMS DOWN, BUT STILL SHAKEN) Oh. (BEAT) Oh, he's gone? Waldo-- Waldo, I - I still can't believe it. Maybe we - we just imagined that rabbit.

WALDO:

Oh, no, we didn't. Look at those huge footprints. No, that rabbit was real.

RILEY:

But - but how can it be? A rabbit over five feet tall. It's impossible. How could he grow so big with--? (BEAT, QUIETLY) Waldo?

WALDO:

Huh?

RILEY:

I got it. It's my Riley-Gro! ... My fertilizer!

WALDO:

Well, what's that got to do with it?

RILEY:

Well, I used it on these carrots to make 'em grow big. The last time I saw that rabbit, he was small, eatin' my carrots. ... And now-- That's it, Waldo! That's it!

WALDO:

But it didn't make the carrots big. I don't understand it.

RILEY:

Do ya understand radar? Or atoms? Or plutonium, uranium, and palladium? ... No, but they work.

WALDO:

Mr. Riley, you are right. You've made a tremendous earthshaking discovery. You are a great man.

RILEY:

Yeah. I can see the newspaper headline now: "Ignoramus Becomes Genius." ...

MUSIC:

QUICK TRANSITION

SOUND:

SIMON'S RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

SIMON:

(URGENT, TERRIFIED) Babs! Start the car! He's after me!

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPENS ... SIMON CLIMBS IN AND SHUTS DOOR BEHIND--

BABS:

(SURPRISED) Oh! What's wrong, Simon? Didn't daddy like your idea?

SIMON:

I couldn't tell. He was too busy throwin' rocks. Start the car before he gets here!

BABS:

Oh, now, Simon, we're going back in there and explain to daddy.

SIMON:

No! No, he'll kill me!

BABS:

Don't be silly! Now, come on.

SIMON:

Well, all right. But not in this rabbit suit. I'll leave it here. If I have to die for ya, Babs, I'll die like a man. Not like a rabbit. ...

MUSIC:

QUICK TRANSITION

WALDO:

Mr. Riley?

RILEY:

Huh?

WALDO:

I just can't get over it. You -- a famous scientist.

RILEY:

Famous? Heh. I'll be notorious! ...

WALDO:

Oh, just think -- someday your brain will be in Harvard University. ... In a bottle. ...

RILEY:

Yeah. I can hardly wait to see it. ... It's amazin'. It's amazin'. Just think, Waldo, one bite out of one of my carrots and--

WALDO:

(INTERRUPTS) Mr. Riley?!

RILEY:

What's the matter, Waldo?

WALDO:

You've been eating those carrots, too.

RILEY:

Yeah. Delicious.

WALDO:

But, good heavens, don't you see? If the stuff works on rabbits, then--

RILEY:

(WITH HORROR) Waldo! You mean--? I'm gonna grow?! No! No, it ain't possible!

WALDO:

In science, anything is possible.

RILEY:

Well, that - that's true. (UPSET) Oh, Waldo, what am I gonna do if I grow--?

WALDO:

No, no -- pull yourself together, Mr. Riley. Lots of people admire tall men.

RILEY:

But that rabbit grew five times its size! I'll be thirty feet high! ...

WALDO:

Now, now, now. Don't be an alarmist. You probably won't be more than fifteen feet high. ...

RILEY:

But I don't want to be fifteen feet high. Where will I live? My room's too small. I'll have to sleep with my feet stickin' out the window! ... The milkman's horse'll lick them! ...

WALDO:

Now, now -- keep calm, Mr. Riley.

BABS:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Daddy?! Are you in the kitchen?!

RILEY:

Oh. Oh, that's Babs. Don't tell her about this, Waldo. Not yet. I - I don't want to worry my poor family.

SOUND:

KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AS BABS ENTERS

BABS:

Daddy, Simon is here.

RILEY:

Simon? I got enough trouble without that pest!

SIMON:

Now, wait, Mr. Riley, I can explain--

RILEY:

(A WARNING) Simon!

SIMON:

But, Mr. Riley, give me a chance!

RILEY:

Simon! Get out of this house!

SIMON:

All right. But someday you'll learn to like me. You'll see. In time, I'll grow on ya! ...

RILEY:

I don't want you growin' on me! ... Right now I'm growin' on myself! ... Simon! Get out of this house!

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Teel has just brought you the first act of THE LIFE OF RILEY and we'll be back with Riley in just a moment. Meanwhile, this is Ken Carpenter. Have you been promising yourself to try Teel -- the only leading dentifrice that cleans teeth without abrasives, protects teeth from ground-in gumline cavities? Today, without risking a penny, you can try Teel. Just get the special bargain package: the large fifty-cent Teel and the ten-cent size, a sixty-cent value, both for thirty-nine cents. Use the small bottle. See how gently Teel's patented ingredient cleans your teeth, avoids harsh abrasive action that gradually grinds in cavities at the gumline. If, after using the ten-cent bottle, you aren't completely delighted with Teel, return the large-size bottle, unopened, to your dealer. He'll refund the full purchase price. The test will have cost you nothing. But, remember, this offer is for a limited time only, so act now. Ask for the special Teel offer. T-E-E-L, Teel -- the tangy, refreshing liquid dentifrice. And now back to THE LIFE OF RILEY, with William Bendix as Riley.

MUSIC:

THEME ... FOR BRIEF TRANSITION

ANNOUNCER:

Well, actually, the five-foot rabbit that Riley saw in his vegetable garden was really his daughter's boyfriend Simon who dressed up in a rented rabbit costume. But poor Riley is certain that his own secret fertilizer, which he put on his carrots, is responsible for raising this gigantic rabbit. Now, having eaten some of the same carrots himself, Riley now feared that he is about to grow into a giant. But his family has no inkling of what's going on.

BABS:

Mother, isn't it time daddy got up? He's gotta get down to his lodge and get ready for the Easter party.

PEG:

Oh, let him sleep a little longer. I don't think your father's well.

BABS:

What's the matter?

PEG:

Well, I don't know. It - it started last night at dinner. He wouldn't touch his rabbit stew. ... And all through the night he kept gettin' out of bed and lookin' in the mirror.

BABS:

Well, I hope he'll be all right for the Easter party.

PEG:

Oh, well, I don't think it's anything serious. Now, you go wake up Junior and tell him to get dressed. Oh, by the way, did the tailor bring Junior's pants?

BABS:

Yes. Oh, let's see, where'd I put them? Oh, yes! I left them on the chair in daddy's bedroom. Uh, shall I go in and get them?

PEG:

Oh, no, dear. Let's let your father have another few minutes' sleep. He needs it. I wish I knew what was worryin' him.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... DREAMY, TO INDICATE RILEY'S SLEEPING

RILEY:

(SNORES, TALKS IN HIS SLEEP) Seven feet-- Ten feet-- Twelve feet-- I can't stop growin'.

SOUND:

KNOCKING ON BEDROOM DOOR

RILEY:

Oh, now my head is hittin' the ceilin'. ... What'll I do?

SOUND:

KNOCKING ON BEDROOM DOOR

RILEY:

I'll knock my brains out. ...

PEG:

(CALLS, FROM BEHIND DOOR) Riley, wake up!

RILEY:

(WAKES UP) D'ah! Huh?

PEG:

(FROM BEHIND DOOR) Time to get up, dear!

RILEY:

(CALLS) Oh! Oh, it's you, Peg! (TO HIMSELF) Oh, thank heaven it was only a dream.

PEG:

(FROM BEHIND DOOR) Hurry up and get dressed, dear. (MOVING OFF) I'll get your breakfast ready.

RILEY:

Okay. Okay, Peg. I'll be dressed in a minute. (RISES, TO HIMSELF) Oh, where's my pants? (YAWNS) Oh, here they are, on the chair. Gosh, I wish I could go back to bed. No, I'd better get my pants on. (YAWNS, THEN GROANS WITH EFFORT) That's funny. (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) They're so tight. What's happenin'? (BEAT, REALIZES, WITH HORROR) No! No, it can't be! ... (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) The pants won't pull up! ... They're too small! And I ain't even up to my wide part! ...

SOUND:

PANTS RIP

RILEY:

(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) Oh! It's happened! I'm gettin' too big for my britches. ... I'm growin'. Just like the rabbit. I'm gettin' bigger by the second. I feel it. My throat is swellin' up. I need air. The windows!

SOUND:

WINDOW RAISED

RILEY:

(TAKES TWO DEEP BREATHS)

DIGGER:

(APPROACHES) Hello, there, Riley. ...

RILEY:

Huh? Who's that?

DIGGER:

'Tis I, Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker! ...

RILEY:

(UNHAPPY) Oh. Hello, Digger.

DIGGER:

Greetings, Riley. You're looking fine. Very natural. ...

RILEY:

Well, I don't feel so good.

DIGGER:

Tell me, Riley, why are you leaning out the window in that odd fashion?

RILEY:

I'm breathing. (TAKES A BREATH)

DIGGER:

Breathing?

RILEY:

Yeah.

DIGGER:

Fine habit. ... Don't stop on my account. ...

RILEY:

Listen, Digger, I'm in trouble. Come in the house. Come in through this window.

SOUND:

DIGGER CLIMBS THROUGH WINDOW BEHIND--

DIGGER:

If you insist. But I'm not accustomed to getting into such a small opening. Oh, good heavens, Riley. Look at your trousers.

RILEY:

Yeah. Yeah, I know. Listen, Digger, what would you say if I told you that I suddenly begun to grow again -- and soon I'll be fifteen feet tall?

DIGGER:

Fifteen feet? Ooh, that would upset certain plans I've made for you. ... I bought you a bathrobe for your birthday, and it's only Size Forty-Two.

RILEY:

Oh, it's awful, Digger. I'm like Frankenstein. I've created a monster -- and I'm the monster! ...

DIGGER:

That's absurd. You look the same to me. However, just to make sure, I'll measure you. Lie down, Riley. ...

RILEY:

You - want me to lie down?

DIGGER:

Oh, excuse me, I forgot. In your case, I'll make an exception. ... Now, let's see. Mm hmm. Just as I thought. You're still five foot eleven.

RILEY:

Are - are you sure, Digger? But these pants; look at 'em, they hardly-- Wait a minute. What's this in my pocket? (BEAT) Marbles! ... When did I play marbles last? ... I-- (REALIZES, LAUGHS HEARTILY WITH RELIEF) Oh, Digger, these are Junior's pants! (LAUGHS) And I thought I was growin'! I guess my formula only makes rabbits grow. Yeah, that's it.

DIGGER:

Rabbits, Riley? What rabbits?

RILEY:

Aw, never mind, Digger. Oh, boy, what a relief. Well, I'm goin' to enjoy my Easter holiday after all.

DIGGER:

Easter is my favorite holiday. (WAXING RHAPSODIC) Ah, Easter! Getting your pocket picked as you walk in the Easter parade. ... Sitting down on a gaily colored hard-boiled egg we forgot to boil. ... Watching my favorite spring flowers budding anew: lilies, ... forget-me-nots, and crocus. [PRONOUNCED croakers] ... (HIS VOICE BREAKS WITH EMOTION ON THE WORDS "SO GAY") I adore Easter. It's so gay. ... [This morning I gathered my kiddies about me and we colored a dozen eggs in gay, striking colors. Black. Light black. Ebony black. Midnight black. And pitch black. ...

RILEY:

Well, did they come out okay?

DIGGER:

When it comes to dyeing, I know my business. ...

RILEY:

But, Digger, a dozen eggs, all black?

DIGGER:

All except one. My youngest son, Mossbank, insisted on a white egg. He's the black sheep of the family. ...] Well, cheerio! It's time I was - shoveling off. ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE FOR DIGGER

RILEY:

So long, Digger. Uh, watch your head goin' through the window. (TO HIMSELF) Ah, what a sweet guy. Always ready to give people a lift.

SOUND:

BEDROOM DOOR OPENS

PEG:

Riley dear, aren't you dressed--? Oh! Riley, your pants!

RILEY:

Oh, my pants. Oh! (LAUGHS) Yeah. Don't get frightened, Peg. I tore Junior's pants when I got into them because I was fifteen feet tall. I - I mean-- I thought I was fifteen feet tall.

PEG:

Fifteen feet?

RILEY:

Yeah.

PEG:

Riley dear, maybe you'd better get back into bed. ...

RILEY:

Bed? (AMUSED) Oh, you think I'm crazy, huh? Well, I got a good logical reason for thinkin' I was fifteen feet tall.

PEG:

Oh? You have?

RILEY:

Sure. 'Cause the rabbit I saw in the garden was over five feet tall.

PEG:

(PUZZLED) The rabbit was five--? (WORRIED) Dear, I'll get you an ice bag.

RILEY:

Wait a minute, stop feelin' my head. I ain't crazy!

PEG:

But you're - you're talkin' so foolish!

RILEY:

Oh, no wonder you think I'm nuts. You don't know why the rabbit is five feet tall.

PEG:

(BEAT, HUMORING A CRAZY MAN) Why, dear? Tell me. ...

RILEY:

On account of he's been eatin' my carrots that I grew with my secret formula. It makes rabbits grown ten times their size and-- (REALIZES, WITH HORROR) Oh-- Oh, Peg! Peg, this is terrible. I didn't realize!

PEG:

Now - now, Riley-- Please, dear, control yourself.

RILEY:

Peg, look what I've let loose in the world. Do you know what'll happen when five-foot rabbits begin chasin' each other over Hollywood and Vine? ... It'll be the end of civilization.

PEG:

Riley, now listen. You didn't see a five-foot rabbit! And even if you did, it's only one rabbit!

RILEY:

Yeah, now it's only one rabbit. ... But spring is in the air! ... Suppose that rabbit decides to get married. ...

PEG:

Here's an aspirin, dear.

RILEY:

Pretty soon there'll be so many big rabbits, us humans will be driven to the woods. There'll be rabbits in the streets. Rabbits in our homes. Rabbits'll be goin' into restaurants -- and orderin' Welsh Riley! ... [APPLAUSE FOR JOKE]

PEG:

Oh, Riley! Please stop this crazy talk.

RILEY:

Let me go, Peg. I gotta trap that rabbit and keep him a bachelor! ...

PEG:

You couldn't have seen a five-foot rabbit!

RILEY:

I tell ya, I did see a--!

PEG:

(INTERRUPTS) Now, you listen to me! What happened to you is what they call an optical illusion. Now, you may have seen a rabbit in the garden, but it was only a little one-- (FADES OUT)

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

SIMON:

Well, Babs, I got that rabbit suit on again. How do I look?

BABS:

Simon, maybe we'd better forget about this whole thing.

SIMON:

Aw, no -- it's a great idea! I'll be tops with your father after this. Where is he?

BABS:

He's still dressing in his room.

SIMON:

Boy, wait till he comes in. When he sees a big rabbit sitting here in his Morris chair, it'll knock his eyes out! Now, the minute your father is finished dressing, you go in-- (FADES OUT)

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

PEG:

(FADES IN) [So you see,] Riley, it was all your imagination. Now, wasn't it?

RILEY:

Well, I - I--

PEG:

Aw, come on now. Admit it.

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Yeah, Peg. You're right. You convinced me. I imagined the whole thing.

PEG:

(RELIEVED) Well! I'm glad that's cleared up. Now, you relax while I get this room straight.

RILEY:

All right.

PEG:

Oh, the Sunday paper's in the livin' room, dear -- in your Morris chair.

RILEY:

Okay, dumplin', I'll get it.

SOUND:

RILEY'S FOOTSTEPS TO LIVING ROOM BEHIND--

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES, TO HIMSELF) Imagine, thinkin' I saw a five-foot rabbit. It's ridiculous! Only lunatics see five-foot rabbits.

SOUND:

LIVING ROOM DOOR OPENS

RILEY:

Why, I oughta have my-- (SEES RABBIT, REACTS) Whoooaaaaoop!

SOUND:

LIVING ROOM DOOR SHUTS

RILEY:

(UNNERVED) Peg! He's in there.

PEG:

Who?

RILEY:

The rabbit. He's sittin' in my Morris chair.

PEG:

The rabbit--? Now, Riley, don't start that again!

RILEY:

Sssshhhh! I'm gonna look again.

SOUND:

LIVING ROOM DOOR OPENS

RILEY:

(SEES RABBIT, REACTS) Whoooop!

SOUND:

LIVING ROOM DOOR SHUTS

RILEY:

(BEAT, SHAKEN) Now he's readin' the Sunday papers. ...

PEG:

This has gone far enough! Now, I'm goin' to prove to you once and for all that there's no--

RILEY:

(INTERRUPTS) No! No, no, Peg! Don't go in there! He may be vicious.

BABS:

(CALLS, FROM BEHIND DOOR) Daddy, hurry up!

RILEY:

(TO PEG) Babs! [My Babs!] She's in there. Helpless! I gotta save her!

SOUND:

LIVING ROOM DOOR OPENS ... RILEY CHARGES IN

RILEY:

Now I gotcha, ya monster!

SOUND:

VIOLENT SCUFFLE (FURNITURE OVERTURNED, ET CETERA) AS RILEY ATTACKS THE "RABBIT" ... IN BG

BABS:

Oh, no! Stop!

RILEY:

Move into my house, will ya?! I'll show you!

BABS:

Daddy! Stop!

PEG:

Oh, Riley, wait!

SIMON:

Mr. Riley, wait! Get off!

SOUND:

SCUFFLE ... OUT WITH--

RILEY:

Shut up, you beast! You can't talk yourself out of-- (DOUBLE TAKE) D'eeaahh! ... It talks! The rabbit talks! ...

SIMON:

But, Mr. Riley, it's me -- Simon!

PEG:

(HIGHLY AMUSED) Oh, ho ho, Riley! (LAUGHS HEARTILY)

BABS:

Daddy, you thought the rabbit was real?!

RILEY:

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean--? It ain't a real rabbit? It's only Simon?

SIMON:

Sure! It's me, Mr. Riley.

RILEY:

(BEAT) What a revoltin' development he is! ... (ANGRY) Simon, get out of that costume, you faker.

SIMON:

But, Mr. Riley--

RILEY:

Take it off or I'll rip it off!

SOUND:

COSTUME INSTANTLY UNZIPPED, REMOVED

SIMON:

There. It's off.

RILEY:

Simon -- get outta this house!

SIMON:

Yes, sir. I'm goin'. I know the way by heart. ...

RILEY:

And don't come back! No daughter of mine is gonna go out with an imitation rabbit! ...

MUSIC:

SECOND ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

The Rileys will be back in half a minute. Now -- at your dealer -- a special offer on Teel, the liquid dentifrice. With the large fifty-cent size, you get a ten-cent bottle -- a sixty-cent value -- both for thirty-nine cents. If you aren't delighted with Teel, return the large Teel bottle unopened and get your money back.

MUSIC:

THEME ... FOR A BRIEF TRANSITION

SOUND:

MURMUR OF EXCITED CHILDREN

RILEY:

Well, it's time to hand out these Easter eggs to the kids.

BABS:

If you hadn't thrown Simon out, daddy, you wouldn't have had to dress up in that rabbit suit.

RILEY:

Ohhhh, I don't need Simon. I got enough brains to be a rabbit. ... Well, better get started. (TO CHILDREN) Come on, come on, come on, kiddies! Your Uncle Bunny's got some lovely Easter eggs for ya!

SOUND:

CLAMOR OF EXCITED CHILDREN

RILEY:

Now, who's first? Come on. Ah, here ya are, little girl. Take your egg and, uh-- Uh, what's the matter, little girl? Afraid of Uncle Bunny? What are you starin' at?

GIRL:

Oh, mommy! Look at the big ears on that rabbit! ...

RILEY:

(INDIGNANT) Oh. Oh, is that so? Well, it so happens that these are my own ears! ... (TO ALL, CHEERFUL) Happy Easter, everybody!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME, FOR A TAG ... THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Procter & Gamble, makers of Teel, the amazing liquid dentifrice, invite you to be their guest next week to hear THE LIFE OF RILEY, with William Bendix as Riley. William Bendix appears by arrangement with Hal Roach and may soon be seen in Paramount's "The Blue Dahlia." THE LIFE OF RILEY is produced for Teel by Irving Brecher and is directed by Don Bernard. Music by Lou Kosloff. This is Ken Carpenter on behalf of Teel, inviting you to listen again next week and remember, for laughs, it's R-I-L-E-Y, Riley, and for lovely smiles, it's T-E-E-L, Teel! Teel, the amazing liquid dentifrice, protects teeth beautifully.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE, WHICH FADES OUT WITH--

MUSIC:

TAG, WHICH FADES OUT ... THEN VARIOUS ACCENTS DURING COMMERCIAL AT [X]

2ND ANNCR:

[X] It's a washing miracle for silks, [X] nylons, [X] woolens, [X] dishes! [X]

WOMAN:

What are you talking about?

2ND ANNCR:

Dreft!

MUSIC:

TWO-BEAT ACCENT ... THEN OUT

2ND ANNCR:

I'll spell it. D-R-E-F-T, Dreft! Yes, ladies, and Dreft spells faster, brighter, safer cleaning than any suds before in history.

WOMAN:

That's true. Take lingerie, for example. Why, Dreft keeps my dainty underthings fresher and brighter than even expensive soap flakes.

2ND ANNCR:

Right! You see, Dreft is different from soap. Dreft's rich suds rinse clean and clear. They simply can't leave any sticky deposit, the way all soaps do. No wonder Dreft keeps lingerie, stockings, new woolens prettier and brighter, far longer than any soap could ever do. With Dreft, there's no soap fading.

WOMAN:

Yes, and for washing dishes, Dreft is just unbelievable. Why, Dreft makes my dishes shine even without wiping. Every woman knows how dishes washed with soap dry with a greasy film unless you polish them. Well, my Dreft-washed dishes drain dry, bright and sparkling. Even glasses sparkle without touching a towel to them.

2ND ANNCR:

Yes, ladies. Decide now to open up this bright new world of beauty for your nice things; for your fine washables; for your dishes. So get Dreft in the bright green package. Dreft -- Procter & Gamble's amazing suds discovery that gives you faster, [X] brighter, [X] safer cleaning [X] than any suds before in history! That's D-R-E-F-T, Dreft!

MUSIC:

DURING ABOVE, ACCENTS ACCOMPANY EACH LETTER OF "DREFT" AS IT'S SPELLED OUT ... THEN SPIEL ENDS WITH A TWO-BEAT ACCENT ... THEN OUT

2ND ANNCR:

Next time you shop, get Dreft.

MUSIC:

RILEY THEME FADES IN TO FILL PAUSE ... THEN IN BG--

ANNOUNCER:

Listen again next week, same time, when Teel, for a beautiful smile, brings you THE LIFE OF RILEY, for laughs.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... FADES OUT WITH THEME--

NBC ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

THEME FADES OUT ... NBC CHIMES