MUSIC:

"SUSPENSE" THEME, UP, THEN UNDER

WILCOX:

Auto-Lite and its ninety-eight thousand dealers bring you Cathy and Elliott Lewis, in tonight's presentation of... "SUSPENSE"!

VOICE:

Tonight, Auto-Lite presents the story of a man who had everything to live for, and committed murder to prove it to himself. "JOKER WILD". Our stars, Cathy and Elliott Lewis.

MUSIC:

ENDS ON DRAMATIC CHORD

SFX:

TWO CAR-HORN BEEPS

OSCAR:

(FILTER) Hey, Harlow!

WILCOX:

Why, it's Oscar, the super-smooth and scintillating sedan!

OSCAR:

(FILTER) Super-smooth is right, Harlow! I'm equipped with an Auto-Lite electrical system!

WILCOX:

Ah, there's none better, Oscar! And it's because your Auto-Lite electrical system is designed to operate as a team, with all units and component parts related by Auto-Lite engineering design and manufacturing skill to give you the smoothest performance money can buy.

OSCAR:

(FILTER) I know how important the electrical system is, Harlow!

WILCOX:

Sure you do, Oscar! And you know, too, how important it is to have only Auto-Lite original service parts used when replacements are needed. Because only these parts are designed by Auto-Lite engineers, who design complete electrical systems, used as original equipment on many leading makes of our finest cars, trucks, and tractors. So, friends, always insist on Auto-Lite original service parts for your Auto-Lite equipped car. It PAYS in performance! And remember, from bumper to tail-light, you're always right with Auto-Lite!

MUSIC:

"SUSPENSE" THEME, UNDER

VOICE:

And now, Auto-Lite presents "JOKER WILD", starring Cathy and Elliott Lewis. Hoping once again to keep you in...SUSPENSE!

MUSIC:

FADE OUT

SFX:

CAR PULLS UP ON DIRT ROAD, STOPS, ENGINE OFF

SFX:

"OCEAN CLIFFSIDE" AMBIENCE, UNDER

ROSALIE:

Well, if you think I'm pretty, Mr. Malloy, I suppose it's your right to think so.

HARRY:

Oh, you are, Rosalie! You're very--

ROSALIE:

Very well. Let us concede the point. But let us also understand the circumstances under which you've made that statement. Now, here we are--

HARRY:

Rosalie--

ROSALIE:

Here we are, Mr. Malloy, with the great vast Pacific Ocean--a carpet, so to speak--under our feet. And the moon above, and--

HARRY:

Rosalie...

ROSALIE:

You must hear me out, Mr. Malloy. You know, my friends all tell me I have the uncanny knack to size up any situation, romantic or otherwise. Now, THIS situation, for example--

HARRY:

Let's not knock the situation, Rosalie; I planned it very carefully.

ROSALIE:

This takes planning? Waving to a lonesome girl from a long car? Bringing her to a place like this where she can look strange and mysterious on a cliff high above the ocean? And what planning does it take to slip your arm about her, as you've already done on numerous occasions, this evening?

HARRY:

Isn't that what ya expected when ya got in the car?

ROSALIE:

Well, at first, I confess, I was very flattered, Mr. Malloy. Being who you are. Having seen your movies, having heard you weekly on the radio. A famous comic personality like you. What girl WOULDN'T be flattered, riding with Harry Malloy?

HARRY:

Come here, Rosalie.

ROSALIE:

Why should I do that?

HARRY:

I wanna talk to ya. I wanna tell ya something.

ROSALIE:

Very well. (PAUSE) Now, what is it?

HARRY:

I'm a comedian--

ROSALIE:

Ya haven't been very funny this evening.

HARRY:

I know. Ya see, this is an important evening for me. It's not a time to be funny. You might not believe this, but I been lookin' for a girl like you.

ROSALIE:

Some line.

HARRY:

For a girl exactly like you. For the last several nights, I been ridin' around the city, just looking. I saw you, and I watched you for a long time.

ROSALIE:

Watched me???

HARRY:

I was driving along, and I saw ya come outta that restaurant. I parked. I saw ya walk towards the corner. I followed you.

ROSALIE:

Lemme tell you this, Mr. Malloy. If I hadn't just missed my bus, you never would'a gotten me in your car!

HARRY:

Don't you like me, Rosalie?

ROSALIE:

Personally, you're a big disappointment. When I get home tonight, I'll tell my mother and father I met Harry Malloy, and he's not funny! He's not at all like--

HARRY:

No. No, you won't tell 'em that.

ROSALIE:

What?

HARRY:

Nothin'.

ROSALIE:

It's very chilly, Mr. Malloy, and I've seen enough of the vast Pacific from a cliff. You may take me home now.

HARRY:

Now, wait--

ROSALIE:

(FIRMLY) You may take me home now, please.

HARRY:

Listen, Rosalie. Ya say ya saw me in pictures.

ROSALIE:

Yeah. Every one.

HARRY:

Which one d'ya like best?

ROSALIE:

Are you taking a poll, Mr. Malloy?

HARRY:

Just tell me. Which one d'ya like best?

ROSALIE:

(SIGH) Very well. The one where ya dressed up (STARTS TO SMILE) like a girl as a disguise. (LITTLE LAUGH) Gee, you were funny. I saw it three times. (LAUGHING MORE) You know that thing you did, that-- that funny way you walked? (LAUGHING)

HARRY:

Ya liked that, huh?

ROSALIE:

(LAUGHING) Oh, it was a scream! I screamed, I know that. I guess everybody did.

HARRY:

I'll do the bit for ya. C'mon, get outta the car.

SFX:

CAR DOOR OPENS ... SHE GETS OUT ON GRAVEL ... CAR DOOR CLOSES

SFX:

"OCEAN CLIFF" AMBIENCE LOUDER, UNDER

HARRY:

That's it. Now, gimme your coat.

ROSALIE:

(HAPPY) You mean it?

HARRY:

Sure I mean it!

ROSALIE:

All right. (GIGGLING) Gee, wait til I tell Mom and Pop.

HARRY:

(PUTS ON COAT) Yeah. There we are. (PLAYFUL) Turn your head, Rosalie. I'm gonna roll up my pants legs.

ROSALIE:

(LAUGHING) Oh, you...!

HARRY:

(ROLLS UP ONE PANT LEG) There we are. (ROLLS UP THE OTHER ONE) And this one. (PAUSE. PLAYFUL) Ya can look now, Rosalie.

ROSALIE:

(LAUGHING)

HARRY:

(PLAYFUL) Can you whistle?

ROSALIE:

Sure!

HARRY:

Whistle.

ROSALIE:

Yeah, I know just the tune. (WHISTLES A BIT FROM "PAGLIACCI", TO A SCREECHING HIGH NOTE, THEN DISSOLVES IN LOUD LAUGHTER)

HARRY:

(TENSE) Ha, ha, ha. I'm funny, ain't I? I'm a funny man?

ROSALIE:

(LAUGHING HELPLESSLY) Oh, you're SCREAM!

HARRY:

(SHOVING HER OFF CLIFF) YAAAAAA!

ROSALIE:

(SCREAM, FADING FOR 2 SECONDS)

SFX:

DISTANT THUD ON BEACH

SFX:

"OCEAN CLIFF" AMBIENCE LOUDER, UNDER

HARRY:

(WHISTLES THE TUNE FROM "PAGLIACCI", UNDER)

SFX:

WALKS ON GRAVEL, OPENS CAR DOOR, GETS IN, STARTS CAR, DRIVES OFF

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, THEN LOW, UNDER

HARRY:

The fact that I just killed a girl doesn't change a thing. I create comedy. I stand up on a stage, or my picture's on a screen, or I stand behind a microphone, and people laugh. How'd that girl say it? Uh, "an uncanny knack"; that's it. And it's been goin' on for twenty-two years. Think about it. Twenty-two years makin' funnies. It's quite a nice life. Big cars: three of 'em. Big house: two of 'em; one in Palm Springs, one in Hollywood. Money: lots. It's a nice life, but there's one problem. No one takes me seriously. Harry Malloy... comic, buffoon, clown. Nothing else. Even I began to believe it. Until the other day, I set up a problem for myself. "Harry," I said, "Ya make people laugh. How 'bout makin' 'em cry? You create comedy," I said, "Now let's see if you can create a tragedy." So, I planned it, and I just did it. I pushed a girl named Rosalie off a cliff. She had a mom and pop. They'll cry. That's very tragic.

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, THEN LOW, UNDER

HARRY:

Ya know, the next coupla days, I felt great. You know the feeling. Ya set your mind to do somethin', and ya do it. And ya tell people about it. But how are ya gonna tell anybody ya just pushed a girl off a cliff? Then something else happened. It was the third day after I did it. Not a word in the papers about Rosalie. Her body hadn't been found. So, for a man like me, a performer for twenty-two years, you can understand the crack I was in. Not only couldn't I tell anyone what I did, no one even knew it was done. So, that evening, I didn't feel so good.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS, UNDER

HARRY:

I had to talk to someone.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS OUT

HARRY:

I always talked to Liz.

SFX:

DOORBELL RINGS (2 DINGS x2)

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

SFX:

"PARTY" ATMOSPHERE, UNDER

(A GUESSING GAME IS IN PROGRESS.)

 

LIZ:

Harry, lover! Come in! Come in, come in, whatever ya are! Freddy? Babs? Look what we got!

SFX:

CONVERSATION STOPS

FREDDY:

Ah! Look what blew in!

BABS:

Baby Hon! Where have you been! Kiss me, lover! (BIG KISS) We're playing a game, Harry! Come on.

FREDDY:

Uh-uh; me and you, Harry! We'll kill 'em!

HARRY:

(SERIOUSLY) Let go, Babs. I wanna say hello to Freddy.

BABS:

Just wave. He'll understand.

HARRY:

Cut it out. Liz, I wanna talk to you.

LIZ:

We're playing a game, Harry.

HARRY:

It's important. I got somethin' on my mind.

LIZ:

Try it on all of us. We'll laugh, darling. Honour bright.

FREDDY:

Hey, Harry? I'm striped in certain seasons. I got two legs, and I hibernate. Now, what am I?

HARRY:

Later, Freddy. I wanna talk to Liz.

FREDDY:

It's the game! Now, what am I?

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) He's a bear in a pinstriped suit. Don't tell him.

HARRY:

Liz...

LIZ:

Ya look worried, lover. What'sa matter?

HARRY:

Let's go in the kitchen.

LIZ:

For a drink of water, Harry? I haven't had an invitation like that since I was fourteen! (PLAYFUL) How 'bout that, kids? Harry asked me into the kitchen!

BABS:

Why, I haven't heard that since I was twelve! Lemme know what happens, Liz. I CAHN'T remember!

HARRY:

(SERIOUSLY) Please, Liz.

LIZ:

Sure!

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS TO KITCHEN ... DOOR OPENS ... THEY STEP INSIDE

HARRY:

Close the door.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

LIZ:

What's the matter, honey?

HARRY:

I want you to tell me something.

LIZ:

All right, lover. You name it, you got it.

HARRY:

What kind of a man am I?

LIZ:

That's the game Freddy and Babs are playing! What's the id--

HARRY:

No, I mean it. I want you to tell me.

LIZ:

You're four-square, kind, courteous, loyal, obedient, and trustworthy. You're a lotta laughs, and I love you.

HARRY:

You really love me, Liz?

LIZ:

No, not really.

HARRY:

But I'm a lotta laughs.

LIZ:

In the ten years since I've known you, up until just now, honey. Just now, you're dull.

HARRY:

(BITTERLY) All of a sudden, I'm not a big yock, and all of a sudden I'm dull. Is that the way it is?

LIZ:

That's right.

HARRY:

(PAUSE) I'm gonna tell you somethin', Liz. You DON'T know me. You don't know the kinda man I am.

LIZ:

All right, I'll play. What kind of man are you?

HARRY:

I got things goin' for me, nobody knows about.

LIZ:

All right already. And?

HARRY:

Inside, it EATS, Liz. I got more to me than makin' people laugh!

LIZ:

(CHUCKLING) Pagliacci, huh? That's an old bit. You stay here in the kitchen and sing. I'm gonna go in and play with--

HARRY:

(INTENSE, GRABBING HER) No, listen to me!

LIZ:

Lo-ver.

HARRY:

Please, Liz. Listen to me.

LIZ:

Make it brief, Harry.

HARRY:

Three days ago, I did something.

LIZ:

Something naughty?

HARRY:

Now, listen. I've got to tell ya about it! I got to tell SOMEBODY about it, or it's no good.

LIZ:

You flipped?

HARRY:

I'm not just a clown, Liz. That's what I'm tryin' to tell ya. I did something important, somethin' big.

LIZ:

This is the last bite I'll give ya, Harry. What did you do?

HARRY:

(PAUSE) I made somebody cry.

LIZ:

Harry...

HARRY:

What?

LIZ:

These are the jokes, huh? These are, these are the jokes?

FREDDY:

(APPROACHING, TRIUMPHANT) I did it! I did it!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

FREDDY:

Ha, ha! Guess what I am! I'm a fuzzy bear in a pinstriped suit! (LAUGHS)

LIZ:

See, Harry? (PLAYFUL) Freddy knows what HE is, so I'm gonna tell you what YOU are. A comedian. You're a funny fellow. When you're not funny, Harry, you're dead. Let's have laughs, huh?

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, CONTINUES UNDER

HARRY:

That was Sunday evening. Monday morning, a very large thing happened in my life. It was served to me for breakfast with my eggs. The morning newspaper had it headlined: "GIRL WASHED UP ON BEACH AT MALIBU. GIRL IDENTIFIED AS ROSALIE BARTON, MISSING FROM HOME FOR FOUR NIGHTS. IDENTIFICATION BY HER MOTHER AND FATHER". Street address given. The part that would never get in the papers, of course, was WHY it happened. Which was me. Harry Malloy. Creator of tragedy. I had to go see for myself.

MUSIC:

UP, CONTINUES UNDER

HARRY:

Rosalie Barton lived in a cheap little California bungalow. One floor, one palm tree, a geranium bed that needed watering. One thing was funny, though. Have ya ever noticed the audience a tragedy gets, especially when it's for free? Well, the Barton house didn't have it. They should'a been all over the lawn, onto the pavement. Neighbours, kids, the people who hop in their cars and come from all over the city to look in on tears. But no. Nobody around. I parked my car a coupla blocks away, and walked to the house. Up the path, onto the porch, near the window. I looked under the drawn window blind to see what I was looking for. Hysterical parents, bewildered, grief-stricken. But I only saw a room. No people. Then I saw this... Near the window, a highboy. And on it, a picture o' the dead girl, looking at me, and smiling at me.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS

MUSIC:

OUT

MAN:

I looked too. I couldn't see anything.

HARRY:

Huh?

MAN:

They're still at the funeral parlour, her mother and father.

HARRY:

(WITH A HINT OF EAGERNESS) They must be very upset, huh?

MAN:

No, they're taken it real good. Uh, I live right next door, and I came over to see 'em last night, and they're taking it real wonderful. Didn't even cry.

HARRY:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

MAN:

(PAUSE) Hey...

HARRY:

Yeah?

MAN:

(PAUSE) Aren't you Harry Malloy?

HARRY:

(DISTRACTED) Yeah, yeah, I am. What do you mean, her parents didn't cry?

MAN:

W-- well, aren't ya? (PAUSE, SMILING) Why, sure you are!

HARRY:

Didn't they love their own daughter? Why didn't they cry?

MAN:

Well, if they did, nobody saw 'em. Hey, what are YOU doin' here, Mr. Malloy?

HARRY:

Well... it happened, I was just driving by--

MAN:

(CHUCKLING) Just driving by...

HARRY:

No, seriously. I'd read about what happened--

MAN:

(CHUCKLING) Seriously? You? Seriously???

HARRY:

Well, yeah. I'm tryin' to tell ya that I--

MAN:

(CALLING) Hey, Jonesie! Look who's here! Harry Malloy!

HARRY:

Hey. Now, wait.

MAN:

Th-- This is my neighbour, Jones. (INTRODUCING THEM) Jonesie? Harry Malloy.

JONES:

Hi, Harry!

HARRY:

How are ya?

JONES:

(EXCITED) Hey... Are you gonna be here a minute? I wanna get my wife!

HARRY:

Get your wife? Whattaya need your wife for?

(MAN & JONES LAUGH)

 

JONES:

(CHUCKLING) He kills me. Uh, wait a sec!

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS, UNDER

JONES:

(CALLING, OFF-MIKE) Hey, Reba? Reba, come here a minute!

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS OUT

MAN:

(CHUCKLES) That Jonesie never does a thing without Reba. You'll like Reba. She's a great giggler.

HARRY:

Yeah, well, I gotta go.

MAN:

Oh, come on, stick around, Mr. Malloy. The whole neighbourhood feels bad about what happened to Rosalie. Aw, stick around.

HARRY:

Ya want funnies now? A young girl, someone ya knew, murdered, and all ya do is laugh!

MAN:

(CHUCKLING) That funny face you make.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING, UNDER

JONES:

Hey. Here's Reba.

REBA:

Hi, Harry! (KEEPS GIGGLING, UNDER)

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS OUT

HARRY:

(ANNOYED) What are ya laughin' about? I haven't said anything.

MAN:

Some giggler, huh, Harry?

HARRY:

All right. Calm down now. I wanna tell you somethin'.

REBA:

(STILL GIGGLING)

JONES:

Reba? Re-ba!

HARRY:

Seriously. I wanna tell you all why I'm here. I read in the newspaper about a girl's being killed. And I was drivin' by--

MAN:

(TO JONES AND REBA) He was driving by--get this! Uh, go on, Harry.

HARRY:

I was driving by. Just like a similar situation happened to me once before.

REBA:

(STILL GIGGLING)

HARRY:

No, seriously!

JONES:

(THINKS IT'S A SETUP TO A JOKE) Ran outta gas, huh? Had a flat tire, Harry? Well!

MAN:

Uh... Go on. Tell us what you're doin' here. (AS IF IT'S A JOKE) Here, get this, Jonesie. (PAUSE) Go on, Harry.

HARRY:

Well... (PAUSE. SLIPS INTO HIS COMEDY PERSONA) I stopped by because I saw a fella who looked hungry. So I pull over and I say to him, "Hey, ya look hungry!" He said, "No, I'm not hungry. But I WOULD like ten cents for a cuppa coffee." So I offered him a dime.

(MAN, JONES, AND REBA ARE ALREADY LAUGHING)

 

HARRY:

Yeah, honest I did. But he just shook his head; he wouldn't take it. I said, "What'sa matter, mister? Ya asked me for a dime for a cuppa coffee, didn't ya?" He said, "If ya don't mind, Mr. Malloy, I'd like ten pennies." I said, "Why?" He said, "I like DRIP coffee."

(BIG LAUGHS FROM MAN, JONES, AND REBA)

 

HARRY:

So I gave him SIX pennies.

(LAUGHTER STOPS)

 

HARRY:

Let him drink it WITHOUT cream!

(HUGE LAUGHS FROM MAN, JONES, AND REBA)

 

MAN:

(LAUGHING) You're the funniest man in the world, Mr. Malloy! You kill me! YOU KILL ME!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, ESTABLISH, THEN CLARINET SOLO, UNDER

VOICE:

Auto-Lite is bringing you Cathy and Elliott Lewis, in "JOKER WILD". Tonight's presentation in Radio's outstanding theatre of thrills: "SUSPENSE"!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, THEN OUT

WILCOX:

Hey, uh, Oscar? Sound your horn!

SFX:

TWO CAR-HORN BEEPS

WILCOX:

Play your radio!

SFX:

(FILTER) HAPPY LITTLE TUNE

WILCOX:

Start your engine!

SFX:

CAR STARTS

OSCAR:

(FILTER) Hey! What's all that for, Harlow?

WILCOX:

Why, all those operations depend on the sure, smooth performance of your Auto-Lite electrical system, Oscar. And so do the lights, heater, electric windshield wiper, and lighter.

OSCAR:

(FILTER) They all depend on my Auto-Lite electrical system, Harlow?

WILCOX:

They sure do, Oscar! And what's more, your Auto-Lite electrical system works every second your engine runs. That's why Auto-Lite electrical systems, designed to give the smoothest performance money can buy, are used as original equipment on many leading makes of our finest cars, trucks, and tractors.

OSCAR:

(FILTER) They're the best, Harlow!

WILCOX:

Right you are, Oscar! And, friends, treat the electrical system of your car to a periodic check-up at your car dealer's or authorized Auto-Lite service station. To quickly locate your nearest authorized Auto-Lite service station, look in the classified section of your phone book, or call Western Union by number, and ask for Operator twenty-five. And remember, from bumper to tail-light, you're always right, with Auto-Lite!

MUSIC:

"SUSPENSE" THEME UP, THEN UNDER

VOICE:

And now, Auto-Lite brings back to our Hollywood soundstage, Cathy and Elliott Lewis, in Elliott Lewis' production of "JOKER WILD". A tale well-calculated to keep you in...SUSPENSE!

MUSIC:

VERY DRAMATIC, THEN UNDER

(MAN, JONES, REBA LAUGHING VERY HARD, UNDER)

 

HARRY:

(BITTERLY) I told them jokes, and they laughed. No tears, no tragedy, just funny stories. I was a murderer, and they were laughing. It was a good performance. Not exactly the one I counted on, but a good performance. I left them laughing, and begging for more.

(LAUGHTER OUT)

 

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC CHORD, THEN WISTFUL, UNDER

HARRY:

But still there was the need... the need to tell somebody, make somebody believe me. I'd done the biggest thing in my life. And a good performer deserves appreciation, an audience. The size o' the house didn't matter. Go back to Liz. Try again.

MUSIC:

FADES OUT, INTO

SFX:

DOORBELL RINGS (2 DINGS x2)

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

Hi, lover!

HARRY:

(SERIOUSLY) Can I come in?

LIZ:

When did ya ever have to ask?

SFX:

HE STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES

LIZ:

Had lunch?

HARRY:

No.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS, UNDER

LIZ:

C'mon. I'll pour ya some.

HARRY:

All right.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS OUT ... ICE CUBES INTO TWO GLASSES, UNDER

LIZ:

(SLIGHTLY OFF-MIKE) Harry?

HARRY:

What?

LIZ:

(SLIGHTLY OFF-MIKE) What was wrong with you last night?

SFX:

POURS BOOZE INTO GLASSES, UNDER

HARRY:

I tried to tell you. You wouldn't listen.

SFX:

RE-CAPS DECANTER, UNDER

LIZ:

Aww, lover... Was I mean?

HARRY:

Yes. Yes, you were.

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES) That's my Harry. Drink your drink.

HARRY:

Yeah.

LIZ:

Here's to us, Harry. Nothing at all. Hm?

HARRY:

(DRINKS, THEN COUGHS A BIT)

LIZ:

What is it, Harry?

HARRY:

D'ya have this morning's paper, Liz?

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS AWAY ... 1-SECOND PAUSE ... FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

LIZ:

This morning's paper.

SFX:

GIVES IT TO HIM ... SLIGHT RUSTLE, AS HE TURNS TO THE FRONT PAGE

HARRY:

Here. Read this.

LIZ:

About the drowned girl? I read it this morning over coffee. What about it?

HARRY:

What kind of a man do ya think could'a done this?

LIZ:

Done what?

HARRY:

Murdered her. Pushed her into the ocean.

LIZ:

Gimme the paper.

SFX:

HE DOES ... SLIGHT RUSTLE AS SHE READS IT

LIZ:

Where does it say she was murdered?

HARRY:

Here. "...WAS PUSHED--"

LIZ:

"...OR FELL". Are you on a new kick, Harry? What'sa matter with you?

HARRY:

Liz. Do me a favour, willya?

LIZ:

Sure.

HARRY:

Do it MY way, willya? Let's just play "she was pushed into the ocean". (PAUSE) What kind of a man do ya think could'a done anything like that?

LIZ:

A nut!

HARRY:

Uh-uh.

LIZ:

Look I don't get this. What's it to me about this girl? What's it to YOU?

HARRY:

I'll tell you what kind of a man did it! (PAUSE) A man of cold intelligence.

LIZ:

A crazy man.

HARRY:

A creative man! One who wanted to express himself in a profound--

LIZ:

"Profound". Oh, brother. A nut!

HARRY:

(AGITATED) You listen to me! I'll tell ya what kinda man murdered that girl! I know! Now, you just listen--

SFX:

PHONE RINGS, UNDER

LIZ:

It was getting funny, lover.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS FADING, UNDER

LIZ:

I'll just answer the phone. I'll be right back.

SFX:

ANSWERS PHONE

LIZ:

(ON PHONE) Hello? (PAUSE) Hi! It's nothing, nothing at all. Harry's here.

MUSIC:

HARRY LOUDLY AND DELIBERATELY PLUNKS "LONDON BRIDGE" WITH ONE FINGER, ON THE PIANO, UNDER

LIZ:

(ON PHONE) Oh? Really? How was it? (LAUGHS) I thought so. I have to see it myself. What? What??? I can't hear you, darling. Hold on a minute. (CALLING) Harry, do your London Bridges later, huh?

MUSIC:

OUT

HARRY:

(SOTTO) Yeah.

LIZ:

(ON PHONE) Where were we? Oh, yeah.

MUSIC:

PLUNKING "PAGLIACCI" TUNE ON PIANO, WITH ONE FINGER, UNDER

LIZ:

(ON PHONE) Yeah? Just like that, huh? (LITTLE LAUGH) That's the life. Sure, darling. Go ahead. (PAUSE) What? Oh. What? I guess so. I guess it could be arranged.

MUSIC:

OUT

HARRY:

(WHISTLING BADLY, UNDER)

LIZ:

Well, of course I can keep my mouth shut. You know-- Wait a minute.

MUSIC:

HARRY POUNDS THE PIANO WITH HIS FISTS, UNDER

LIZ:

(CALLING) HARRY! Harry, I'm tryin' to talk to the-- HARRY!!! (ON PHONE) Harry's flipped, darling. I'll call ya back!

MUSIC:

HEAVIER, CONSTANT POUNDING ON PIANO WITH FISTS, UNDER

LIZ:

Try it with your head, Harry!

MUSIC:

OUT

HARRY:

(HEAVY BREATHING)

LIZ:

(MADDENINGLY CALM) You need a cold shower, or whatever boys do when they act like this. (PAUSE) What's the matter, lover?

HARRY:

(EXPLODING) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!!!

LIZ:

All right, what?

HARRY:

(RAGING) I'm getting outta here! You won't listen to me! (FADING, AS HE HEADS FOR THE DOOR) I'll find somebody who'll listen!

SFX:

A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS OVER TO HIM

LIZ:

(SOOTHING) Tell me, baby. I'll listen to you.

HARRY:

(PAUSE) It's about that girl.

LIZ:

What girl, baby?

HARRY:

The girl named Rosalie, the one in the paper. The murdered girl!

LIZ:

Aw, baby...

HARRY:

Answer me one thing.

LIZ:

All right.

HARRY:

(PAUSE) Do ya think I could'a killed her?

LIZ:

You?

HARRY:

Well, answer me!

LIZ:

You??? (STARTS LAUGHING)

HARRY:

Answer me!

LIZ:

(LAUGHING OUT LOUD)

HARRY:

(AGITATED) Shut up!

LIZ:

(LAUGHING HARDER)

HARRY:

Shut up!!! Liz...

LIZ:

(LAUGHING VERY HARD)

HARRY:

Liz, please!

LIZ:

(LAUGHING VERY HARD) You! (RECOVERING)

HARRY:

You haven't answered me, Liz.

LIZ:

(STILL RECOVERING) I'll tell ya, lover, if you wanna know. (SMILING) You're the Seven Wonders of the World! Life hits you in the face, and you run to the joke file! A gag for each and every situation!

HARRY:

That's all I am, huh?

LIZ:

I'm not finished.

HARRY:

Go on.

LIZ:

Face it, lover. Nobody takes you seriously. That's why everybody likes you. Because you're no problem. Not this business with bangin' the piano, of course. That's a joke file I haven't been in with you before. Just one thing...

HARRY:

Uh-huh.

LIZ:

Just don't get worrisome around me, Harry. Or you won't be walkin' around here.

HARRY:

And that's it?

LIZ:

Yup.

HARRY:

All right. Wait here a minute.

SFX:

DELIBERATE FOOTSTEPS TO KITCHEN ... OPENS DOOR ... WALKS TO COUNTER ... OPENS KNIFE DRAWER ... DIGS AROUND FOR A BIG KNIFE ... CHOOSES ONE ... CLOSES DRAWER ... WALKS BACK FROM KITCHEN

HARRY:

I'm borrowing your carving knife for a minute, Liz.

LIZ:

What for?

HARRY:

Ya see, Liz, there's no use trying to tell you something. I gotta prove it to you.

LIZ:

(SIGH. SARCASTIC) This is going to be great.

HARRY:

It could be, at that.

LIZ:

What's it going to be, Harry?

HARRY:

(CALMLY) I'm gonna kill you.

LIZ:

(CHUCKLING) That's my Harry.

HARRY:

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

LIZ:

What's MY bit, lover? Yell? Scream? Run around?

HARRY:

(SMILING) Let's just work it out together. Ready?

LIZ:

(SMILING) Come on, killer.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS, UNDER

HARRY:

Yeah.

LIZ:

Well?

HARRY:

(CALM & DELIBERATE) I'm gonna kill you.

LIZ:

You said that, Harry. What'sa matter? You're running out of material?

HARRY:

(INTENSE) I'm not kidding.

LIZ:

Oh, I'm supposed to act scared. (LAUGHING) All right, Harry! (VERY LAME SCREAM) Aaa! (LITTLE LAUGH)

HARRY:

(INTENSE) You just wait.

LIZ:

I don't know what you're doing, Harry. You better have a finish.

HARRY:

Start running.

LIZ:

All right.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS, AS HE CHASES HER AROUND THE ROOM ... CRASH OF SOMETHING KNOCKED OVER ... FOOTSTEPS ... CRASH OF LAMP FALLING AND BREAKING ... FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE, UNDER

LIZ:

Oh, swell! Swell. Now I need a new lamp.

HARRY:

No, you won't need it. (LUNGES, BUT FALLS OVER)

SFX:

CRASH AS HE FALLS

LIZ:

(ANNOYED) That's the finish? Ya fall flat on your face? (LITTLE CHUCKLE) Oh, Harry, how corny can you get! You stopped doing THAT bit when you left vaudeville.

HARRY:

(HOLDING INJURED NOSE) My nose...

LIZ:

It's bleeding, lover. Hm, move your head a little this way, so you don't get it all over the rug, huh?

HARRY:

(IN PAIN) Oooh. (SNIFFLING, UNDER)

LIZ:

Come on, sit up. Sit up. (HELPS HIM SIT UP) That's it. Gimme your knife. Hold your head back. Don't be a baby. Hold your head back.

HARRY:

(HOLDING NOSE) I'm leanin' back. (SNIFFLES)

LIZ:

I'll get a towel and some ice cubes.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS, FADING, UNDER

LIZ:

(CALLING, FADING OFF-MIKE) Hold your head back, now, Harry.

HARRY:

(SNIFFLING, UNDER)

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS OUT ... GETS ITEMS IN KITCHEN ... RETURNS WITH THEM

LIZ:

Here. How do you feel?

HARRY:

(SNIFFS) Hurts.

LIZ:

I'll put this ice on the back o' your neck.

HARRY:

(LITTLE GASP FROM THE COLDNESS)

LIZ:

It'll stop in a minute.

HARRY:

Feels good.

LIZ:

Sure it does.

HARRY:

Liz...

LIZ:

M-hm?

HARRY:

That girl, Rosalie--

LIZ:

Oh, look, Harry, I don't know what this new character is, but why don't ya go home until you get FUNNY again?

HARRY:

I killed her.

LIZ:

Sure, sure.

HARRY:

I did, Liz. I picked her up, drove her out to the ocean, pushed her off a cliff.

LIZ:

How's the nose?

HARRY:

It's stopped bleeding.

LIZ:

Why don't ya go home?

HARRY:

I'm not kidding, Liz! I murdered that girl!

LIZ:

(LAUGHS)

HARRY:

Ya still don't believe me, do ya?

LIZ:

(LAUGHING) No.

HARRY:

I tried to kill YOU too.

LIZ:

You'll work it out. We'll practise sometime.

HARRY:

Liz...

LIZ:

M-hm?

HARRY:

Liz... (GRABS HER THROAT)

LIZ:

(STRUGGLING, STRANGLED CRIES, UNDER)

HARRY:

(STRANGLING HER. THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) Don't ya see, Liz? I'm not kidding! I never WAS kidding! I've got to kill ya to make ya believe me!

LIZ:

(STRUGGLING, STRANGLED MOANS, UNDER)

HARRY:

Kill you, Liz! (PANTING)

SFX:

PAUSE. THUD OF BODY

HARRY:

(PANTING, SNIFFLES)

SFX:

A FEW FOOTSTEPS

SFX:

DOORBELL RINGS (TWO DINGS x2)

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS ... DOOR OPENS

FREDDY
& BABS: (SINGING) Was a minor, forty-niner, and her name was Clementine! (THEY LAUGH)

FREDDY:

Hiya, Harry! How's the ol' kid?

BABS:

Kiss me! (BIG KISS) Oh, where's Liz? I'm forced to ask.

HARRY:

(FLATLY) In there. (PAUSE) Right over there on the floor.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS, UNDER

FREDDY:

On the floor? (LAUGHS)

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS, OUT

FREDDY:

Hiya, Liz! (NO ANSWER) Hey... What's this, a new game, Harry?

HARRY:

(FLATLY) She's dead.

FREDDY:

Oh, we're supposed to ask questions; you answer yes or no; we're supposed to tell you who did it, huh?

BABS:

That's an old game.

FREDDY:

Was it--

HARRY:

I did it. I strangled her.

FREDDY:

Hey, kid, you're takin' all the fun out of it.

BABS:

(SERIOUSLY) Freddy...

FREDDY:

Huh?

BABS:

Look.

FREDDY:

(WORRIED) At what?

BABS:

(ALMOST SICK) Her throat.

HARRY:

I strangled her.

BABS:

(HORRIFIED) Oh!

FREDDY:

I don't believe it, Harry. Well, not YOU.

HARRY:

Liz wouldn't believe I could do a thing like this either. Look what happened to her.

FREDDY:

(LIMPLY) I can't believe it. (PAUSE) I can't believe it.

HARRY:

You will. Stick around for the police, Freddy.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS ... PICKS UP PHONE ... DIALS "0"... SOUND OF RINGING TONE FROM CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE ... SOUND OF CALL BEING ANSWERED FROM CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE

OPERATR:

(FILTER) Number please.

HARRY:

Get me the police.

SFX:

SOUND OF OPERATOR DIALLING CALL, FROM CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE ... SOUND OF CALL BEING ANSWERED

SGT:

(FILTER) Twelfth Precinct. Sergeant Thor speaking.

HARRY:

(COCKY) This is Harry Malloy, Sergeant. I just call--

SGT:

(FILTER) Harry Malloy? The comic?

HARRY:

That's right. I'm at five--

SGT:

(FILTER) Oh, Harry! Hi, Harry! What's on your mind?

HARRY:

I just murdered a woman.

SGT:

(FILTER. LAUGHING) What?

HARRY:

I just strangled a woman. Several days ago, I threw a girl off the cliff.

SGT:

(FILTER. LAUGHING) And tonight's your night for stranglin', huh? Have a nice party, Harry!

HARRY:

Now, listen, I'm not kiddin'! I killed a girl. I killed TWO girls!

SGT:

(FILTER) Sure, sure.

HARRY:

(DESPERATE) I'm a murderer! Don't ya believe me??? I'm a murderer!!! I've--!

SFX:

CLICK OF PHONE BEING HUNG UP, FROM CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE

HARRY:

(DESPERATE GASPS, ALMOST SOBS)

SFX:

DESPERATELY RATTLES PHONE HOOK

SFX:

A FEW SLOW FOOTSTEPS

FREDDY:

(SLOWLY) Gimme the...phone, Harry.

SFX:

LIFTS RECEIVER ... DIALS "0"

FREDDY:

(PAUSE) Gimme the police, Operator. (PAUSE) Police? I wanna report a murder. (PAUSE) Five - nine - five East Channel Drive. (PAUSE) My name? Fred Goodwin. (PAUSE) And thank you very much.

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE

FREDDY:

They'll be right over, Harry.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS

BABS:

Harry, why?

HARRY:

(COCKY) I'm quite a guy, huh? (INTENSE) Answer me!

BABS:

You're quite a guy... (SOB) Harry. (HEAVY SOBBING) Oh, Harry... Harry... (HEAVY SOBBING, UNDER)

HARRY:

(SMILING) Listen to her, Freddy. She's crying. Ya see what I can do?

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, BUILDS TO A FINISH, THEN OUT

VOICE:

SUSPENSE!

MUSIC:

"SUSPENSE" THEME, UNDER

VOICE:

Presented by Auto-Lite. Tonight's stars, Cathy and Elliott Lewis.

WILCOX:

This is Harlow Wilcox, speaking for Auto-Lite. The world's largest independent manufacturer of automotive electrical equipment. Auto-Lite is proud to serve the greatest names in the industry. They are members of the Auto-Lite family. As well as are the ninety-eight thousand Auto-Lite distributors and dealers in the United States, and thousands more in Canada and throughout the world. Our family also includes the nearly thirty-thousand men and women in twenty-eight great Auto-Lite plants from coast to coast, and Auto-Lite plants in many foreign countries. As well as the eighteen-thousand people who have invested a portion of their savings in Auto-Lite. Every Auto-Lite product is backed by constant research, and precision-built to the highest standards of quality and performance. So, remember, from bumper to tail-light, you're always right with Auto-Lite!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, UP, THEN OUT

VOICE:

Next week...the true story about the solution to a murder. The documented report of a policeman's patience, intelligence, and bravery. "THE MAN WITH TWO FACES". Our star, Mr. Lloyd Nolan. That's next week, on...

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC STING

VOICE:

"SUSPENSE"!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, UNDER

VOICE:

"SUSPENSE" is produced and directed by Elliott Lewis. The music composed by Lucien Moraweck and conducted by Lud Gluskin. "JOKER WILD" was written for "Suspense" by Morton Fine and David Friedkin. In tonight's story, Charlotte Lawrence was heard as Babs, and Joseph Kearns as Freddy. Featured in the cast were Lillian Byeff, Gene Wood, Hy Averback, Larry Thor, and Byron Kane.

MUSIC:

OUT

WILCOX:

Auto-Lite takes this opportunity to pay special tribute to the automotive wholesalers of the nation, who, this week, will be attending the Automotive Service Industry Show, in Atlantic City.

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, UNDER

VOICE:

This is the CBS Radio Network.

MUSIC:

FADE OUT