ANNOUNCER:

Well sir, it's early evening as we enter the small house half-way up in the next block now, and here in the living room we find our friends abiding quietly at home. Mr. Victor Gook is established at the library table, playing himself a dashing game of solitaire. Mrs. Victor Gook occupies her husband's easy chair, reading the newspaper. And young Mr. Rush Gook, on the davenport, stares unseeingly at the pages of his algebra textbook. And now there's conversation. Listen.

SADE:

Wanna meet me downtown tomorrow afternoon?

RUSH:

What for?

SADE:

Talkin' to your father.

VIC:

Are you referrin' to the purchase of a hat?

SADE:

Yeah. Suppose you leave the office around three-thirty or so and we'll meet in at Kleeberger's?

VIC:

Aw, shucks, Sade, I can buy my own hat.

SADE:

No, you can't.

RUSH:

You people talkin' about hats reminds--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS, TO VIC) What you'd do is dash in the store like a house afire and take the first thing they showed ya.

VIC:

Since organized society credits me with sufficient intelligence to permit me to walk the public streets without a straitjacket, it might be assumed that I'm smart enough to purchase an article of wearin' apparel without guardianship and supervision. (BEAT, CHUCKLE, TO RUSH) Hey, how'd ya like that sentence?

RUSH:

Pretty good.

VIC:

My next address is scheduled for Tuesday at two o'clock.

SADE:

Shall we do that, then?

VIC:

Oh, heck, I'll drop by Kleeberger's tomorrow on my way home from work.

SADE:

Yes, and what would you buy?

VIC:

I'd buy a hat--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) Some great big old wide-brimmed cowboy thing. No, sir. I'm goin' with ya. Let's say three o'clock. We'll meet in at Kleeberger's, and see what they've got, and then step over to Yamilton's and Silver's.

VIC:

I don't wanna traipse all over town just to buy a doggone hat.

SADE:

You wanna see what the different stores have, don't ya?

VIC:

I get so fidgety I could scream when you--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) Hats generally run you five dollars. Five dollars is quite an outlay for people in our circumstances. Pays to shop around. That's the way I do. Why, before I buy a ten-cent washrag I make the rounds.

VIC:

That's because you enjoy lookin' at junk and chewin' the fat with clerks.

SADE:

I enjoy gettin' the most for my money. That's what I enjoy.

RUSH:

Smelly Clark's Uncle Strap enjoys quite a reputation for bein' a spendthrift.

SADE:

Does he?

RUSH:

Yeah. Why, take that occasion when he escorted his lady friend to Peoria for purposes of enjoyin' fish dinner.

SADE:

You told us that.

RUSH:

When?

SADE:

I dunno. Th' other day. Sometime.

RUSH:

I know I started to tell it.

SADE:

Him and his girl went to Peoria and ate fish.

RUSH:

They didn't eat fish!

SADE:

No?

RUSH:

No! That's the whole point of the story. They planned to eat fish, but fate intervened, and there's enough comical details in the story to choke a horse.

SADE:

Hm.

RUSH:

And the conclusion of the story is so funny you'll roll on the floor.

SADE:

Well--

RUSH:

(WITH ENTHUSIASM) Here's the way it goes. It just so happened that Smelly Clark's Uncle Strap took it in his head to escort his lady friend to Peoria for purposes of enjoyin' fish dinner. On the way, an argument sprung up, and Smelly Clark's Uncle Strap informed his lady friend--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) Here's more or less on the order of what I want you to have, Vic. Pardon me, Willie.

RUSH:

(DEFLATED) Common courtesy--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) Wanna show your father this picture in the paper. Vic?

VIC:

Hold it up.

SADE:

It's a Kleeberger advertisement, too. How do ya like that hat?

VIC:

The brim's too narrow.

SADE:

Now, listen, mister. If you think we're goin' downtown tomorrow and buy you a broad-brimmed hat, you're mighty badly mistaken. You're not any cowboy from Pennsylvania, you know. You're a businessman and you have to wear something neat and conservative.

VIC:

Bunk.

SADE:

I'll say. Yes, I think this is just about the ticket. I'll tell Kleeberger's to show it to me first thing. I'll say I wanna look at the hat they advertised in the paper.

VIC:

You think it's just about the ticket. You'll tell Kleeberger's so-and-so. I'm the slob that's gonna wear the doggone hat.

SADE:

You'd buy a hat that looked like the inside of a gunnysack if you got a chance.

VIC:

If I choose to wear a hat that looks like the inside of a gunnysack, whose business--?

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) Think I'll tear this out. Take it along with me tomorrow. (GIGGLES) Do you know the name of it?

VIC:

Name of what?

SADE:

This hat?

VIC:

No.

SADE:

(CHUCKLES) "The Baltimore Banker."

VIC:

What?

SADE:

"The Baltimore Banker." That's printed underneath.

VIC:

Hm.

SADE:

Here's a lid for younger fellas. The brim twists up flashy on the side, and there's a feather stickin' in the ribbon. "The Boulevard Strutter."

VIC:

That's foolishness.

SADE:

Yeah. It is kinda, ain't it?

RUSH:

Mom, I am still waiting to tell the story I started.

SADE:

(UNINTERESTED) Oh, Smelly's uncle went to Peoria and ate fish.

RUSH:

Smelly's uncle did not go to Peoria and eat fish.

SADE:

His lady friend ate fish.

RUSH:

His lady friend did not eat fish.

SADE:

What'd she eat?

RUSH:

(SLOW, DELIBERATE) It just so happened that Smelly Clark's Uncle Strap took it in his head to escort his lady friend to Peoria for purposes of en--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) Enjoyin' fish dinner. Yes, yes, yes. What happened?

RUSH:

On the way, an argument sprung up, and Smelly Clark's Uncle--

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... CONTINUES IN BG

VIC:

Uh, telephone's ringin', telephone's ringin'.

RUSH:

And Smelly Clark's Uncle Strap--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) I bet forty dollars that's Ruthie.

VIC:

Five Hundred?

SADE:

Uh-huh. She kinda halfway said this mornin' she thought Fred'd probably feel like playin'.

RUSH:

Smelly Clark's Uncle Strap--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) How 'bout it?

VIC:

(RELUCTANT) Okay.

RUSH:

--informed his lady friend--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) You'll have to be quiet, Willie.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER UP

SADE:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? ... Oh, yes, lady. ... Oh, sittin' here with our shoelaces in our eyelets. (CHUCKLES) Uh-huh. ... Why, say, I think that'd be fine. Just a second. (TO VIC) Mr. and Mrs. Dumpty-doodle up the street wanna know if we could stand a game of Five Hundred.

VIC:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Mmm.

SADE:

(INTO PHONE, WITH ENTHUSIASM) Vic says glorious, Ruthie. ... Uh-huh. ... Hear the name I give ya? ... Yeah! Mr. and Mrs. Dumpty-doodle. (LAUGHS A LITTLE TOO MUCH) Yeah. Heh. Well, we'll look for ya, then. ... All right, lady. ... All right. ... Goodbye.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER DOWN

SADE:

They're comin' here. Leavin' right now. Better put on your shoes.

VIC:

Fred takes his off as soon as he gets in the door.

SADE:

Yeah, but you're the host. (TO RUSH) You gonna be around, buster?

RUSH:

(SULLEN) I have not as yet formulated--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) 'Cause if you are, we could wait about the ice cream. Otherwise you better trot to the drug store right now.

RUSH:

Perhaps you would--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) What'd I do with that advertisement I tore out? Oh, here. (APPRAISING) Uh-huh. This is just about what I want. Ha, "The Baltimore Banker."

VIC:

The brim on that hat's too narrow, Sade.

SADE:

It is not.

VIC:

It is too! I'll look like a peeled onion.

SADE:

You're no wild western cowpuncher. You just can't get away with enormous floppy wide-brimmed hats. Goodness, why don't you buy a lassoo? (GIGGLES)

VIC:

And another thing. You said you wanted me to leave the office at three o'clock. That's takin' off two whole hours. Is it your intention to make me try on hats for two whole hours?

SADE:

I wanna see what Kleeberger's has got and I wanna see what Yamilton's and Silver's has got.

VIC:

I get the willies runnin' from store to store.

SADE:

Whose fault is that?

VIC:

'Bout twenty minutes of stallin' around talkin' to halfwit clerks and I feel like screamin'.

SADE:

Hm. Rush, if you're gonna be here when Mr. and Mrs. Stembottom come, you have to comb that hair. Looks fierce.

RUSH:

Mm.

SADE:

Trot along and untangle it. You don't want company to catch you lookin' like an eagle's nest. (TO VIC) We don't have to make it three o'clock if you don't like leavin' the office so soon. Say, three-thirty or quarter to four.

VIC:

Why the heck can't I drop by Kleeberger's on my way home from work at five?

SADE:

Because I have to be there with ya to see ya get what's right.

VIC:

Heh. Far as that goes, my presence ain't even necessary.

SADE:

And I suppose you're gonna be all sulky tomorrow like ya generally are when we buy ya clothes.

VIC:

Yes. I shall be all sulky.

SADE:

The clerks get the notion you're a little on the loony side. You don't ever say anything; ya just stand and act sour.

VIC:

What is there for me to say? You do all the talkin'.

SADE:

No, but just the same.

VIC:

(MIMICS SADE) "Let's try this one on, Victor. No, keep your hands away; I'll fix it." Won't even let me try on my own hat.

SADE:

No, because you take it and jam it down on your head like a fryin' pan.

VIC:

Remember what that fool in Yamilton's said last time we bought me a hat?

SADE:

No.

VIC:

He says, "Ask him if it's too tight, madam."

SADE:

(GIGGLES) Uh-huh. (GIGGLES)

VIC:

Halfwit thought I wasn't bright.

SADE:

Well, you certainly didn't behave bright. Stood there like a statue starin' straight ahead of ya while I put hats on your head.

VIC:

Think I'll buy my doggone hats like Buller buys his.

SADE:

How's he do it?

VIC:

Calls up on the telephone. Says, "Send me a hat; size seven and a half."

SADE:

(WITH DISAPPROVAL) Oh, lands.

VIC:

If the fella in the store asks him what color and what shape and so on, he says, "I said, send me a hat, size seven and a half! I don't give a hoot what color or what shape. I want a hat, size seven and a half. And I'll pay between five and seven dollars. You got my orders. I'll expect somebody from your store here in my office in the next ten minutes."

SADE:

Oh, lands.

VIC:

[That's] the way I think I'll handle it.

SADE:

You will not. You'll meet me tomorrow afternoon and we'll pick out something neat and conservative, with a halfway civilized-sized brim.

VIC:

(BIG UNHAPPY GRUNT)

SADE:

Three-thirty suit you?

VIC:

(SMALLER GRUNT)

SADE:

We'll meet in Kleeberger's.

VIC:

(AN EVEN SMALLER GRUNT)

SADE:

It's a date, huh?

VIC:

(SMALLEST GRUNT)

SADE:

Is it a date?

VIC:

(GIVES IN) Okay, okay.

SADE:

Rush, what ails you? Sittin' there lookin' like you've been eatin' crabapples.

RUSH:

(PRICKLY) I realize I am only a common ordinary American citizen, but when I get halfway through a comical story, I expect--

SADE:

(INTERRUPTS) Well, tell your story, goodness. Smelly Clark's uncle ate fish in Peoria.

RUSH:

Smelly Clark's uncle did not eat fish in Peoria!

SADE:

His lady friend ate fish.

RUSH:

His lady friend did not eat fish.

SADE:

What'd she eat?

RUSH:

(EVEN SLOWER THAN BEFORE) It just so happened that Smelly Clark's Uncle Strap took it in his head to escort his lady friend to Peoria for purposes of enjoyin' fish dinner. On the way, an argument sprung up, and Smelly Clark's--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

VIC:

There's our pals.

RUSH:

--Uncle Strap--

SADE:

Yeah, Fred and Ruthie. Slip on your shoes and straighten that library table.

RUSH:

--informed his lady friend--

SADE:

Go let 'em in, Rush.

RUSH:

What?

SADE:

Mr. and Mrs. Stembottom's at the door. Go let 'em in. Don't just stand there.

ANNOUNCER:

[Which concludes another brief interlude at the small house half-way up in the next block.]