MFX:

DRUM ROLL

ANNOUNCER:

Now, from Hollywood -- ROMANCE!

MFX:

THEME ... FADES OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Some triangles are equilateral, some are acute, and some are eternal. Today, ours is eternal. And I guess it's acute, too. Anyway, it all adds up to a problem -- and everybody's got an angle. So now, with Joyce McCluskey as Laurie, we bring you, transcribed, Kathleen Hite's delightful story "Two and One Is Awful."

MFX:

FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

LAURIE:

(NARRATES) As an employer, he's someone I admire. He's nice, he likes people and they like him. He's honorable, he works hard, and I work hard for him.

As a man, he's thoroughly maddening. He's attractive and he doesn't know it. So it makes him more attractive. I'm attractive and he doesn't know it. So it makes me furious.

It wouldn't be so bad -- except that he goes out with me about half the time. And that wouldn't be so bad -- except that the other half of the time he goes out with Kit.

Kit's my best friend and she's like me. She works hard for him, too.

(WITH A SIGH) Oh, well. [X]

SFX:

LAURIE TAPS ON KEYBOARD ... THEN OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, KIT'S FOOTSTEPS IN

KIT:

You work too hard, Laurie.

SFX:

LAURIE STOPS TAPPING

LAURIE:

Tell it to my boss. On second thought, Kit -- I'll tell him myself.

KIT:

Don't you trust me?

LAURIE:

Nope. (FRIENDLY CHUCKLE)

KIT:

(EQUALLY FRIENDLY CHUCKLE) That's what I like -- a fine, firm basis for friendship. Are you really busy or can I sit down?

LAURIE:

(POINTED) He isn't here.

KIT:

Oh?

LAURIE:

(BEAT) Still want to sit down?

SFX:

KIT'S STEPS TO CHAIR WHICH IS PULLED OUT ... KIT SITS

KIT:

Well, you're not going to believe this -- but I really came to see you.

LAURIE:

You're right. I'm not going to believe it.

KIT:

I didn't expect to see him today, honestly. He is out of town, isn't he?

LAURIE:

(SURPRISED) How'd you know?

KIT:

Don't panic. He didn't tell me. Dad saw him at the club last night.

LAURIE:

(RELIEVED) Ohhh. That's wonderful.

KIT:

Is it?

LAURIE:

Sure. If he was at the club, he wasn't with you.

KIT:

Sometimes I think you're not on my team, old friend.

LAURIE:

You know I'm not. (FRIENDLY) And, silly as it may sound, I'd like to be.

KIT:

I know. (SIGH) I don't like what's happening to us. Oh, golly, Laurie, we've grown up together. You're better than a sister, you're my best friend.

LAURIE:

From mud pies to Bill. (CHUCKLES) We've shared a lot of messes together, haven't we? Maybe we've just got too much in common.

KIT:

Well, we've never really talked about it. I think we ought to be perfectly honest, don't you?

LAURIE:

Perfectly.

KIT:

(SLOWLY) Are you really in love with Bill, Laurie?

LAURIE:

I think I am.

KIT:

(DISAPPOINTED) I think I am, too. I was sort of hoping you might be - amusing yourself or something.

LAURIE:

I'm not even enjoying myself or something.

KIT:

I know. How I know.

LAURIE:

I'll tell you something else -- honestly.

KIT:

What?

LAURIE:

Bill isn't in love with me.

KIT:

We should phone the club. He isn't in love with me, either.

LAURIE:

Well, he's a fool. We're both stunning.

KIT:

He doesn't deserve either of us. And he certainly doesn't deserve both of us.

LAURIE:

That's a great comfort, isn't it?

KIT:

Laurie, Bill doesn't know. He honestly doesn't know we're in love with him. Unless you've told him.

LAURIE:

Oh, I wouldn't stoop so low. Besides, he'd run like he was fired on.

KIT:

Well, I've had it. I talked to Dad this morning and he agreed. I'm taking the cure.

LAURIE:

There's a cure?

KIT:

Six weeks in the Caribbean with Aunt Martha.

LAURIE:

Kit!

KIT:

It's sort of a shakedown cruise. Aunt Martha's had four devoted husbands. Maybe in six weeks some of her technique will rub off on me -- and I can charm the purser or a Calypso singer or a barnacle.

LAURIE:

Kit, I - I don't know what to say!

KIT:

Try "Bon Voyage." And listen, sweetie, don't waste any time thinking I'm - I'm noble, or doing the splendid thing, or any such nonsense. Just move in -- with a clear conscience.

MFX:

BRIEF BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

LAURIE:

(NARRATES) It wasn't that simple. Kit's blessing meant a lot to me -- but it took a while to clear my conscience. Two interminable days. Until Bill got back from his business trip. [X]

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS, CLOSES, STEPS IN

BILL:

(WARMLY) Hi!

LAURIE:

(THRILLED) Bill! Welcome home!

BILL:

Thanks. Oh, brother, am I glad to get back.

LAURIE:

Rough trip, brother?

BILL:

(EXHALES) Yup. Yuh. I don't know how those guys do it. Work all day, play all night. They can have it. I'm a real home boy.

LAURIE:

(DRY) Yeah.

BILL:

You don't believe me? You know what I've been thinking - these last few days?

LAURIE:

(VERY DRY) I haven't any idea.

BILL:

A farm.

LAURIE:

(PARCHED) Well, keen.

BILL:

(SLOW, THOUGHTFUL) Not a big one, you know. Forty acres maybe. But a place that's out a way and - I could have a little stock and a couple of horses. Big garden. Lots of trees. Lots of room. Lots of peace. (CHUCKLES) Sounds crazy?

LAURIE:

(IMPRESSED) Not as crazy as it should.

BILL:

You'd like it. I know you would.

LAURIE:

(SURPRISED) I'd - like it?

BILL:

Sure. You remember early this fall on a Sunday, we drove out in the country for the day?

LAURIE:

(TOUCHED, WARMLY) Bill-- The old Appleton place.

BILL:

You see? You liked it. I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since. And, you know, when I was in New York, I finally figured out the gal for the place.

LAURIE:

(STUNNED) You did?

BILL:

Uh huh. She'd be perfect.

LAURIE:

(DISBELIEF) Would she?

BILL:

I think so. (SERIOUS, READY TO POP THE QUESTION) Laurie -- tell me the truth now. Can you think of anyone better than - Mrs. Billingsley?

LAURIE:

(THE SPELL IS BROKEN) Mrs. Billingsley?!

BILL:

Yup.

LAURIE:

Your landlady?!

BILL:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) She's a great cook. Keeps her house shining all the time. We understand each other. She used to live on a farm, you know.

LAURIE:

Bill! Well, she's old enough to be your mother!

BILL:

What's that got to do with it? She's still got her health. Matter of fact, she's strong as an ox.

LAURIE:

I don't believe any of this.

BILL:

Why not? All I want is a housekeeper, you know. It isn't as if I was gonna ask her to marry me.

LAURIE:

(PAUSE) I think I'll go get some coffee.

BILL:

Oh. You don't think much of the idea, huh?

LAURIE:

I think Mrs. Billingsley is a dear! And I think you'll both be very happy!

BILL:

Well, what about you?

LAURIE:

Ah, there's a good question. What about me?!

BILL:

(EXHALES, PUZZLED) I don't understand you sometimes. I thought you'd be tickled to death. I could hardly wait to tell ya. And - you act like I've insulted you or something.

LAURIE:

I'm --- sorry, Bill.

BILL:

Oh, forget it. You don't have to be sorry. I just wanted you to like it, that's all.

LAURIE:

Well, I would! Really, I would! (GIVES UP) Oh. Don't pay any attention to me. After all, I wouldn't have anything to say about it. Really, I mean-- It'd be your farm.

BILL:

Yuh, but, the way I figured, you'd be spending a lot of time there. I want you to be happy.

LAURIE:

(QUIETLY) What would I be doing there?

BILL:

Same thing you do here. Type. File. You know-- (PAUSE) Well, don't look at me like that, Laurie. I couldn't afford the office if I bought the farm.

MFX:

BRIEF BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

LAURIE:

(NARRATES) Ohhh, we shared any number of tender little scenes like that while Kit was away. Some of them were even less romantic. By the time the six weeks were over, my conscience was so clear it made me sick.

I must say that Kit's behavior was champion the entire time. Not one single picture postcard did she send him. Nothing. I went to the airport to meet her the night she arrived home -- determined to find out who or what cured her. [X] I was ill-prepared for what I found.

SFX:

BUZZ OF CROWD AND OTHER AIRPORT NOISES, IN BG

WOMAN:

(ON PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM) Passengers just landing on Caribbean Airlines Flight Twenty-One may claim their baggage at Terminal Desk A in ten minutes.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

LAURIE:

(CALLS) Kit! Aunt Martha! Over here! (PAUSE AS SHE WALKS TO KIT AND MARTHA, THEN SHOCKED) Kit! Good heavens! What's wrong?!

KIT:

(WEAK BUT NOBLE) Laurie, dear, how nice.

LAURIE:

You're so - pale! Kit! Aunt Martha, what's wrong with her?

MARTHA:

(CASUALLY) Hm? Oh, uh, uh, jungle fever.

LAURIE:

What?!

MARTHA:

My goodness, child, don't shout so.

KIT:

(WEAK BUT NOBLE) It - it's all right. Don't be concerned about me.

LAURIE:

Oh, but I am! Here, take my arm, too, Kit.

KIT:

(WEAK BUT NOBLE) Thank you, Laurie.

MARTHA:

(TOO CHEERFUL) Mmmm, you're doing marvelously, dear. Marvelously.

KIT:

(WEAK BUT NOBLE) Am I?

MARTHA:

(AFFIRMATIVE CHUCKLE, THEN CAREFULLY, TO LAURIE) Did you, uh, come all the way to the airport alone, Laurie?

LAURIE:

Mm hm.

MARTHA:

That's a long drive -- all alone.

LAURIE:

Oh, no, it's not bad at all. Besides, who would I - have come--? (SLOW BUT POINTED) Were you expecting someone?

MARTHA:

Well, more or less. I mean, that is, uh--

KIT:

(ALERT) Of course we weren't expecting anyone, Laurie dear.

LAURIE:

(ADMONISHES) Kit!

KIT:

(WEAK BUT NOBLE AGAIN) Please, Laurie. I mustn't get excited. It - it's bad for me.

LAURIE:

(DRY) You can relax, Camille.

KIT:

(WEAK BUT NOBLE) Why, Laurie, what on earth--?

LAURIE:

Yeah, and take off the white pancake and the wan smile. It's his bowling night.

KIT:

(NO LONGER WEAK, DISBELIEF) Oh, Aunt Martha!

MARTHA:

He went bowling?! Hm! After that plaintive wire I sent him?

KIT:

Well, that really cracks it! Of all the unfeeling, self-important, pig-headed--!

LAURIE:

Hold - hold - hold it! Peace, girl. Desist.

SFX:

PAPER UNFOLDED

LAURIE:

Is this the plaintive little wire?

MARTHA:

You intercepted it? (CLICKS HER TONGUE) Laurie, I'm surprised. I'd've counted on you for higher standards.

KIT:

Wait a minute. The envelope's still sealed.

LAURIE:

(PATIENTLY) I never open wires addressed to "Bill Reynolds - Personal." It came just before I left the office. He was already gone. And -- ho! ho! -- I'd have taken it to him at the bowling alley but I was in a hurry to meet a friend at the airport.

KIT:

(DEFLATED) Now I'm really sick.

MARTHA:

Well, it's a shame, just a shame. I've used that little ruse on three continents and it's foolproof. But let's face it, Kit. We goofed.

MFX:

TO A CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

We will return to ROMANCE and our story, "Two and One Is Awful," in just a moment.

The pounding of horses' hooves, the sound of gunfire, the smell of GUNSMOKE tells the story of the West a century ago. The CBS Radio program called GUNSMOKE dramatizes this story twice every Saturday over most of these same stations. Saturday daytimes and Saturday nights, GUNSMOKE brings you adventures of a fighting marshal drawn from real-life characters of his day, whose job is to hold the frontiers against outlaws, cattle rustlers, drifters and saddle bums. This coming Saturday, daytime and night, you're invited to two more in this awarded, applauded adult Western series. GUNSMOKE, presented at the Stars' Address.

And now for the second act of ROMANCE.

MFX:

FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

LAURIE:

(NARRATES) It was sort of a silent ride home from the airport. We weren't the jolliest threesome in town -- Kit and I, because we realized without saying anything we were right back where we started with Bill, which was nowhere; Aunt Martha, because she clearly wasn't used to her little ruses going awry. We remained strictly incommunicado until just before noon a couple of days later. [X]

SFX:

LAURIE TAPS ON KEYBOARD ... THEN OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, MARTHA'S STEPS IN

MARTHA:

Well, I bet I'm the last person in the world you expected to see.

SFX:

LAURIE STOPS TAPPING

LAURIE:

Well, almost. Began to think maybe that jungle fever story was true.

MARTHA:

(CHUCKLES, LIGHTLY) Do you loathe me?

LAURIE:

Nope. I like you. I'd like to hate you a little. But I think you're sort of cute.

MARTHA:

Oh, darling, I was never cute in my life. Just enterprising. As a matter of fact, I still have a slight flair for enterprise. Is he, uh, in, dear?

LAURIE:

Oh, now, look, Aunt Martha! He's just a simple guy! You'd confuse him terribly!

MARTHA:

I just want to look him over. I'd like to see the man who's ruining two delightful young lives.

LAURIE:

Does Kit know you're here?

MARTHA:

Well, of course she does.

LAURIE:

(GIVES IN) All right. I don't know what I'm worried about. Things couldn't be much worse. Shall I announce you?

MARTHA:

Oh, no. No, don't bother. (MOVING OFF) I like to catch them off guard.

MFX:

BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

LAURIE:

(NARRATES) She still had her flair for enterprise, all right. In less than three minutes, by the clock, they came smiling out of Bill's office and announced they were having lunch together. I didn't bother going out for lunch myself. The erasers I chewed off pencils while they were gone seemed to fill me up. Bill checked in about three to say he'd be making calls the rest of the afternoon. It was shortly after that that Kit called. [X]

KIT:

(FILTER) Why don't you come for dinner, Laurie? Aunt Martha has a plan.

LAURIE:

To poison me?

KIT:

(FILTER) For both of us. It's nothing to talk about on the phone but - it really makes sense to me. I think it will to you, too.

LAURIE:

All right. Right after work okay?

KIT:

(FILTER) Fine.

LAURIE:

Can I bring anything?

KIT:

(FILTER) Just an open mind.

MFX:

BRIDGE ... THEN OUT

SFX:

CLATTER OF DISHES, UTENSILS, ET CETERA

KIT:

Did you like him, Aunt Martha? You haven't really said.

MARTHA:

Mm, yes. Yes, I did. I must say, I saw very little evidence of his "fatal charm" but he seemed likable, nice.

LAURIE:

Don't - don't you think he's terribly attractive?

MARTHA:

No, not terribly. Attractive, though. But all this is beside the point, really, because, no matter what I think of him, you two find him quite irresistible. Or so you say.

LAURIE:

No contest.

KIT:

Not the slightest.

MARTHA:

All right. Then I have just one piece of advice and it goes for each of you. You've got to slug it out! You've been pussyfooting around long enough.

LAURIE:

Make her talk plain, Kit. She's your aunt.

KIT:

She's just warming to her subject.

MARTHA:

Now, look, just think a minute. What's the most important social event coming up? Anything special? Uh, between now and the holidays?

KIT:

The Green and White Ball.

MARTHA:

Good, good. When is it?

LAURIE:

Mm, two weeks from tonight, isn't it, Kit?

KIT:

Mm hm.

MARTHA:

Fine. Then you have something to point to. And, if you're smart, you'll both start tonight. Use any method that comes to mind, fair means or foul, to get him to ask you to the ball.

KIT:

But we tried that last year.

LAURIE:

And he went duck hunting.

MARTHA:

Ah, but this year it's going to be different. Because we're operating under the New Rules.

LAURIE:

If I have to contract jungle fever, I won't play.

MARTHA:

(CHUCKLES) Oh, that's kid's stuff. Now, look, are you agreed that he'll probably ask one or the other of you?

KIT:

Well, that's a safe presumption. Don't you think so, Laurie?

LAURIE:

Safe enough.

MARTHA:

All right. Then it's "winner take all." After the Green and White Ball, one of you throws in the towel.

KIT:

You mean, he's making a choice between us forever when he decides which one to take to the ball.

LAURIE:

Sounds to me more like we're making a choice between him.

MARTHA:

That's closer to it. Now, just to keep this entirely impersonal, suppose he asks Girl A to the ball. Then Girl B will step out of the picture. For good. She'll quit seeing him and take up needlepoint or pottery-making or, uh, join the Foreign Legion. But, meanwhile, it's a fight to the finish. The whole way. Well?

MFX:

BRIEF BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

LAURIE:

(NARRATES) We had to agree. Because, in a ruthless sort of way, it made sense.

Within fifteen minutes, the battle lines were drawn and Bill was the target -- like a defenseless little city that didn't know war had been declared. At first, I almost felt sorry for him. He seemed bewildered -- dizzy from the barrage of home-cooked dinners, surprise gifts, new hairstyles, and a hundred little extra courtesies. But, bless him, he began to thrive on it.

Then a week went by. And then ten days. And no action. I decided to switch my attack. [X]

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BILL:

(OFF) Hey, Laurie? Come in here a minute, will ya?

LAURIE:

(PETULANT, DRY, LETHARGIC) I'm right here at my desk if you want to see me.

SFX:

BILL'S FOOTSTEPS SLOWLY APPROACH

BILL:

(APPROACHES, SYMPATHETIC) What's the matter? You sick?

LAURIE:

Maybe. I don't know.

BILL:

You don't look sick.

LAURIE:

I'm not. I'm just fine. I - I guess I'm just tired. (EXHALES WEARILY)

BILL:

You know something? I am, too. Seems to me it's been a regular merry-go-round lately; something going on all the time.

LAURIE:

Is that so?

BILL:

If the elections weren't over, I'd think I was a favorite son candidate. All of a sudden, I can't even stir my own coffee. You know?

LAURIE:

Mm hm. Well, maybe things will level off pretty soon. You know, return to normalcy.

BILL:

I expect them to, as of today. That's what I wanted to see you about. Now, Laurie, while I'm gone, what I want you to do is--

LAURIE:

(SUDDENLY ALERT) Gone where?!

BILL:

Well, you know. I told you I had to run up to the capital.

LAURIE:

You did not tell me you had to run anywhere!

BILL:

Take it easy. If I didn't, I meant to. Now, while I'm gone--

LAURIE:

But you can't go now!

BILL:

(BEAT) By golly, I think you're right.

LAURIE:

I know I'm right.

BILL:

Maybe you are sick. Look, while I'm gone, why don't you take some time off? Get a good rest.

LAURIE:

(DRY AGAIN) Yeah. I've been working too hard.

BILL:

Well, sure. I can handle everything from the capital. Ooh, hey, I've got to run, too. My plane leaves in ten minutes.

SFX:

BILL'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY

LAURIE:

(CALLS AFTER HIM, DESPERATELY) I'll - drive you to the airport!

BILL:

(OFF) No, no, I've got a ride, thanks.

LAURIE:

Oh?

BILL:

(OFF) Kit said it was right on her way.

LAURIE:

(UNDER HER BREATH) Swell.

BILL:

(OFF) Take it easy, will ya, Laurie? I'll call you when I get back.

SFX:

BILL'S FOOTSTEPS TO OFFICE DOOR WHICH OPENS, THEN SHUTS BEHIND HIM

BILL:

(QUIET, HOPELESS) Good-bye, Bill. (EXHALES, THEN VICIOUS) You beast.

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS ABRUPTLY

BILL:

(OFF) Oh, hey! I almost forgot. Save Friday night, will ya?

LAURIE:

Friday?!

BILL:

(OFF) Yeah, yeah.

LAURIE:

Night?!

BILL:

(OFF) Uh huh. I'll pick you up about eight-thirty.

LAURIE:

Oh, but - but - Friday night's the Green and White Ball!

BILL:

(OFF) Well, what do you think I'm talking about? Look, look, I'm in an awful hurry. Just be ready at eight-thirty, will ya?

SFX:

OFFICE DOOR SLAMS

LAURIE:

(EXHILARATED) Ready? I'm ready now!

MFX:

BRIEF BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

LAURIE:

(NARRATES) I was very nearly delirious. Until I remembered Kit. How would I tell her? I really didn't know. I'd been so busy campaigning, I never thought about winning. Winning from Kit-- Well, there was an emptiness to it. [X] I couldn't tell her that day and I kept putting it off -- till, suddenly, it was Friday. And I couldn't put it off any longer.

SFX:

KIT AND LAURIE'S FOOTSTEPS AWKWARDLY PACE THE FLOOR, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING

KIT:

Funny. Funny your coming here. I - I was just going to come downtown to see you.

LAURIE:

Well, I - I - I'm glad I came to see you -- first. I mean, I think it's, um -- better this way.

KIT:

Please sit down, Laurie.

LAURIE:

No, no, thanks. I - I'd rather stand. But you-- You - you - you go ahead. Sit down.

KIT:

No. No, I - I'd rather stand, too.

LAURIE:

(LONG PAUSE, THEN BLURTS IT OUT) Kit? It happened. Bill asked me to the ball and, naturally, I accepted.

KIT:

Ohh, nooo! No, he couldn't have! He wouldn't do that! I - I know he wouldn't!

LAURIE:

(GENUINE) I'm sorry. Honestly, I am.

KIT:

You'd better sit down, too, Laurie, or you'll fall flat on your face.

LAURIE:

(GENTLE) All right, dear. I'll sit if that'll make you feel any-- (PAUSE, REALIZES) What do you mean I'll fall flat on my face?!

KIT:

He asked me to the ball, too.

LAURIE:

OHHHH, NOOOO! He couldn't have! He wouldn't do that! I know he wouldn't!

KIT:

I just made that speech. I'm not kidding you, sweetie. On the way to the airport the other day, he asked me. Said he'd pick me up at eight-fifteen.

LAURIE:

He's picking me up at eight-thirty. (MAD AS HELL) Oh! Kit! This is really the last straw! Taking both of us! Well, he can't, that's all! I'll break his stupid neck!

KIT:

(DECISIVE) We'll both break his stupid neck -- in one deft, double-barreled move.

LAURIE:

Yeah! (SUDDENLY UNCERTAIN) Yeah?

KIT:

Laurie -- run home, get your dress, your jewelry, and your musket. When he comes to the door tonight, we'll both meet him -- head on!

MFX:

BRIDGE

SFX:

DOORBELL RINGS

KIT:

Ready, pal?

LAURIE:

Ready.

SFX:

KIT AND LAURIE'S FOOTSTEPS MARCH TO THE DOOR WHICH OPENS

BILL:

(WARMLY, TO KIT) Hi! (SURPRISED TO SEE LAURIE) Oh, hey. Hi! Hey. Both of you, huh?

LAURIE:

Look who's got twenty-twenty vision.

KIT:

Old Eagle Eye.

BILL:

Well, this is great. We can - we can kill two birds with one stone.

KIT:

Give him the reading, pal.

LAURIE:

Kill one bird. Two stones.

BILL:

(CALLS OFF) Hey, you guys, come on in! They're both here! (BEAT, TO KIT AND LAURIE) Well, aren't you gonna ask us in?

KIT:

"Us"?

BILL:

Sure. Jim, Fred and me.

LAURIE:

Jim and Fred?

BILL:

Yeah.

LAURIE:

What are they for? Protection?

BILL:

Well, what's the matter with you two? You said you'd save tonight for the dance. These guys are great dancers.

KIT:

(BEAT, STRATEGIC WITHDRAWAL) I'm going to comb my hair.

LAURIE:

(DISHEARTENED) I'm going with you.

SFX:

KIT AND LAURIE'S FOOTSTEPS START OFF

BILL:

(CALLS AFTER THEM) Okay, but don't be long, huh? (HALF HUMS, HALF SINGS TO HIMSELF "THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD")

SFX:

BILL'S SINGING FADES OUT AS WE FOLLOW KIT AND LAURIE'S FOOTSTEPS TO BEDROOM DOOR WHICH OPENS AND CLOSES BEHIND THE FOLLOWING

MARTHA:

(SINGS TO HERSELF, MERRILY) "The most beautiful man in the world--" (HUMS THE REST)

SFX:

KIT AND LAURIE'S FOOTSTEPS STOP

MARTHA:

Oh! (CHUCKLES) Oh, you two ready to go? You look so pretty! (MORE HUMMING, IN BG)

LAURIE:

Tell her, Kit. I don't trust myself.

KIT:

Aunt Martha?

MARTHA:

(PART OF HER HUMMING) Hm?

KIT:

He brought two friends with him. He expects us to go to the dance with them.

MARTHA:

(FINISHES HUMMING, CHEERY) I know. Heh. I know. Heh. You've only yourselves to blame.

KIT:

What do you mean we're to blame?

MARTHA:

I mean, you "goofed" again.

LAURIE:

But how?! My golly, we did everything but ask him ourselves!

MARTHA:

Precisely.

KIT:

Aunt Martha! You?!

MARTHA:

Who else? Oh, and, uh, make it "Martha" for tonight, hm? (BEAT, TRIUMPHANT) Well, come along, girls! We mustn't keep the boys waiting.

MFX:

TO A FINISH

ANNOUNCER:

ROMANCE is produced and directed by Norman Macdonnell with editorial supervision by Het Manhiem. You have heard "Two and One Is Awful," specially written for ROMANCE by Kathleen Hite, starring Joyce McCluskey as Laurie, with Lynn Allen as Kit. Featured in the cast were John Dehner, Vivi Janis and Dolores Dinar. This is Hugh Douglas inviting you to hear ROMANCE transcribed next week at this same time.

MFX:

THEME ... FADES FOR

ANNOUNCER:

Every Saturday evening, GANG BUSTERS brings you authentic, hard-hitting proof that crime does not pay -- all the facts, right out of the police files. The program names names and describes actual manhunts just as they took place. It's a Saturday evening event for adventure fans right here on CBS Radio. Don't miss GANG BUSTERS tonight over most of these same stations. GANG BUSTERS.

2ND ANNOUNCER:

There's Western adventure with Gene Autry Sunday evenings on the CBS Radio Network.

MFX:

THEME ... TILL END