MUSIC:

ORCHESTRAL INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Presenting Orson Welles as THE THIRD MAN.

MUSIC:

ZITHER PLAYS ANTON KARAS' "THE THIRD MAN THEME" ... THEN UNDER

ANNOUNCER:

THE LIVES OF HARRY LIME -- the fabulous stories of the immortal character originally created in the motion picture THE THIRD MAN. With zither music by Anton Karas.

MUSIC:

FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

HARRY:

You know, there are two kinds of men who should be wary and suspicious of women -- the serious businessman, because women can be so frivolous, and the frivolous seeker after pleasure, because women can be so serious. Now I, Harry Lime, am both a serious businessman -- of sorts -- and a seeker after pleasure, so perhaps I should avoid women entirely. But the trouble is, I just can't seem to do without them --- for either. Sometimes life gets very complicated with business and pleasure; but -- interesting, always interesting.

MUSIC:

ZITHER INTERLUDE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now, Orson Welles as Harry Lime, The Third Man, in today's story, "Pleasure Before Business."

MUSIC:

ZITHER PLAYS "LA VIE EN ROSE" ... CONTINUES BEHIND NARRATION--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) It was in Venice, not long after the war was over, that I found myself with a problem on my hands, and it wasn't the old Venetian one about finding a place to park my car. I had a very solid and sound business transaction all lined up, but I was sorely in need of what I called a partner -- and what the police of several countries would have been pleased to refer to as an accomplice. Accordingly, I was highly pleased while strolling about among the pigeons and people in St. Mark's Square one day when I spied Joan Willoughby, who was standing there scattering bounty to the birds.

SOUND:

FLUTTER OF BIRDS ... APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

HARRY:

Why, Joan! Joan Willoughby!

JOAN:

Harry!

HARRY:

How are you?

JOAN:

Harry Lime! What are you doing in Venice?

HARRY:

That's a question I was going to ask you.

JOAN:

Oh, me? Holiday. And you?

HARRY:

Business.

JOAN:

I'm glad to hear it. I ought to be able to make a bob or two tipping off the coppers.

HARRY:

Always were a heavy tipper, weren't you, my love? I need a partner.

JOAN:

Do you, now? Girl?

HARRY:

Girl.

JOAN:

Dangerous?

HARRY:

No, not very.

JOAN:

Fun?

HARRY:

Lots.

JOAN:

Money in it?

HARRY:

Quite a bit.

JOAN:

(AGREEABLE) Well, holidays can be quite boring, don't you think? What's the game this time, and do I need much of a wardrobe?

HARRY:

I'll tell you privately. Let's get out on the canal. Uh, do you mind if we use a boat?

JOAN:

All right.

MUSIC:

ZITHER TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATION--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) We rented a gondola and floated slowly down the Grand Canal. It was a handy bit of luck, meeting Joan. She was an English girl, and as delicately simple and unassuming as roast beef and Yorkshire pudding; and as beautiful as the English bone china but with as much bite as English mustard on the side. She had the realism and the sound business sense of a robber baron. In the gondola, she trailed her hand in the water and waited for me to tell her what was up.

SOUND:

GENTLE SLOSH OF WATER

JOAN:

Well?

HARRY:

Joan, have you ever heard of somebody called the Count de la Robia?

JOAN:

No.

HARRY:

Well, he's the usual Italian count except that he's saved one or two things. Still has his palace, still has some valuable pictures, still has jewels.

JOAN:

And we're after the jewels.

HARRY:

We're after the jewels. He's a friend of mine; I've known him for at least three weeks.

JOAN:

(MOCK DISBELIEF) He's still friends with you, Harry?

HARRY:

(DRY) Mm hm. He likes me. He trusts me.

JOAN:

But?

HARRY:

Exactly. But! I can't find out where he keeps the jewels. Oh, I might be able to in time if it weren't for this Rico.

JOAN:

At which point, I say, who, or what, is Rico?

HARRY:

Who he is doesn't matter. What he is matters greatly. He is, or seems to be, seven feet tall.

JOAN:

A big stumbling block, Harry. Perfect description.

HARRY:

He's the Count's bodyguard. He's killed several men who've tried to cheat the Count. He does not like me, Rico.

JOAN:

And that's why you need me.

HARRY:

Exactly.

JOAN:

Do I work on the Count or Rico?

HARRY:

You work on the Count.

JOAN:

That's good.

HARRY:

I'll be the second-story man on the job and try and distract his seven-foot shadow. All you have to do is find out where the jewels are kept.

JOAN:

I'll probably discover that they're kept in Rico's pocket.

HARRY:

(LIGHTLY) No, I think that's where Rico keeps the Count.

JOAN:

(AMUSED) Oh. (BUSINESSLIKE) You've got a fence?

HARRY:

Of course. All I need to make me happy is a fence, the Count's little ivy-covered palace and you, my dear Joan.

JOAN:

What sort of split are you offering?

HARRY:

Shall we say, uh, sixty-forty?

JOAN:

We shall say, fifty-fifty.

HARRY:

(RELUCTANT) Well--

JOAN:

Fifty-fifty, Harry.

HARRY:

All right.

JOAN:

Fine. When do I meet the Count?

HARRY:

Tonight.

JOAN:

I can't wait.

HARRY:

Well, you have to, my dear.

MUSIC:

ZITHER TRANSITION ... "THIRD MAN THEME" ... THEN BEHIND NARRATION--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) So that was that. When I had the jewels in my hand, there'd be time enough to inform Joan that the split would be seventy-thirty. (CLEARS THROAT) She's a sensible girl. Business, after all, is business. That night I brought Joan to the café that I knew the Count frequented. He was there, all right, and so was Rico. We went directly to their table.

SOUND:

CAFÉ BACKGROUND

COUNT:

(PLEASED) Ah, Mr. Lime! How are you?

HARRY:

Very well, very well, thank you, Count. I'd like to present Miss Joan Willoughby; the, er, Count de la Robia.

JOAN:

How do you do?

COUNT:

Charmed, Miss Willoughby.

HARRY:

And, uh, Rico.

RICO:

(SULLEN, SUSPICIOUS) Hello.

JOAN:

Rico? Rico what?

RICO:

Just Rico is enough.

HARRY:

(CHUCKLES) I'll say it's enough.

COUNT:

You must sit down here, Miss Willoughby. You must share our table.

JOAN:

Why, thank you.

HARRY:

That's very good of you, Count.

RICO:

Count de la Robia?

COUNT:

Yes, Rico?

HARRY:

Does this man have to be here?

COUNT:

Of course he stays, Rico.

HARRY:

(CHUCKLES TRIUMPHANTLY)

COUNT:

Miss Willoughby, you are visiting our city?

JOAN:

Yes, it's the first time. Oh, I love it. But, you know, you Italians all look so sad.

COUNT:

Our recent history has not been happy.

JOAN:

When I see someone, well, like you, Count, with big, black sad eyes like yours, I say to myself, I want to do something to make that man happy.

HARRY:

(LAUGHS) Yes.

COUNT:

Well, I'm sure, Miss Willoughby, that you are quite-- (LAUGHS)

HARRY:

Ah, yes, er, that's exactly what Joan is here for, Count. She just wants to lift, uh, all your cares.

JOAN:

Why, I mean it, Harry! (TO COUNT) Count de la Robia, there's nothing I'd like better than to get to know this beautiful city. Really know it, and, well, some of the people.

COUNT:

Well, I think it might be possible to arrange.

RICO:

Perhaps is now the time for Mr. Lime to leave, Count.

COUNT:

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Lime, but he is my keeper, my confidante, my advisor.

HARRY:

I'm sorry, too, old man, but Miss Willoughby has already agreed to ride in the rumble seat of my gondola tonight.

RICO:

The English lady has said she wishes the Count to show Venice to her.

HARRY:

But she has an engagement with me, little friend of all the world.

JOAN:

Oh, Harry, don't be stuffy.

HARRY:

Count, I appeal to you. Now--

COUNT:

I am unable to control Rico, you know, Mr. Lime. I--

HARRY:

Yes, I'm afraid I wouldn't know which button to push either.

JOAN:

Besides, Harry, I've never met a Count before. I'm just full of questions about, oh, crests, coats of arms, you know, and all that sort of thing.

COUNT:

Oh, just a moment! I have a suggestion. Perhaps, even though I am showing the city to Miss Willoughby, perhaps Mr. Lime can stay with us.

HARRY:

An excellent idea, Count. It solves all our difficulties.

RICO:

No!

COUNT:

Oh. No, Rico?

HARRY:

Rico says no.

RICO:

No, Count. If this man is along it will ruin the pleasure you and Miss Willoughby want to have. He leave.

COUNT:

Oh, he leaves, eh?

RICO:

Si.

HARRY:

Well, it looks like Rico's got my evening all planned.

JOAN:

Now, don't feel too bad, Harry darling.

RICO:

(GRABS HARRY'S ARM) Come!

HARRY:

Why argue, Joan? He's bigger than both of us.

COUNT:

I'm sorry, Mr. Lime. But with Rico, I can do nothing.

JOAN:

I don't think I could do much either.

HARRY:

Hm. And I'm out of condition.

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRAL TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATION--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) Rico escorted me to the street with a grip on my forearm that wasn't cleared in my insurance policy. I didn't let the elation I felt show on my face until he'd gone back to join the others. Joan was punching away like Joe Louis and the Count would be wide open for a sucker punch but pronto. He called me the next evening.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS, HARRY'S FOOTSTEPS TO PHONE, RECEIVER UP

HARRY:

Yeah?

COUNT:

(FILTER) Uh, Mr. Lime? This is the Count de la Robia.

HARRY:

Oh, yes. Hello, Count.

COUNT:

(FILTER) I'm sorry you couldn't be with us last night, but Rico, you know, has his prejudices.

HARRY:

Oh, I wouldn't cheat him out of one of them, old man.

COUNT:

(FILTER) That is a very charming girl, that Joan Willoughby.

HARRY:

Mmm, I think she is, yes.

COUNT:

(FILTER) I'm wondering where I can get in touch with her.

HARRY:

You didn't ask her?

COUNT:

(FILTER) Ah, no. Confidentially, I tried to find out, but she was somewhat coy about it.

HARRY:

Mm hm.

COUNT:

(FILTER) Do you think she likes me?

HARRY:

Well, I don't know. Of course, old man, I was only there for the preliminaries. I missed the main bout. But it seemed to me that she did. After all, she was willing to break her date with me.

COUNT:

(FILTER) That is true. I like her so very much, I - I was afraid to, uh, press my luck. Is that how you say it?

HARRY:

Yes, that's how you say it. You want me to press on for you?

COUNT:

(FILTER) Ah. I would be indebted if you would.

HARRY:

I'll try, Count. I'll let you know if I find her.

COUNT:

(FILTER) Thank you, Mr. Lime. Goodbye.

HARRY:

Goodbye, old man.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

JOAN:

Was that the Count, Harry?

HARRY:

Yeah. We've got him where we want him, Joan. He's looking all over Venice for you.

JOAN:

Is he now? Oh, the old dear.

HARRY:

I told him I'll try to find you. I think it might take me at least two or three days, don't you?

JOAN:

Well, don't let it take too long.

HARRY:

I'm as anxious to get the jewels as you are, honey, but I think, you know, under the circumstances--

JOAN:

(ABSENTLY) Oh, yes, yes, the jewels.

HARRY:

Dear lady, what do you mean "Oh, yes, the jewels" with that tone of voice?

JOAN:

Mm, nothing. (QUIETLY PLEASED) He really was taken with me, hm?

HARRY:

Of course he was. We'll let him stay until he's ready to be taken in style.

JOAN:

(AFFECTIONATE) Oh, he's such a shy old dear.

HARRY:

Dear enough to wait three days for.

MUSIC:

A DRY ACCENT ... THEN ORCHESTRA BEHIND NARRATION--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) The next night, at the same café, I ran into the Count once more. He was mournfully staring into a glass of Chianti.

SOUND:

CAFÉ BACKGROUND

COUNT:

And you cannot find her, Mr. Lime?

HARRY:

Not yet. Of course, I don't know her too well, Count, but I'm still looking.

RICO:

(INSISTENT) Look well, you! The Count has spoken. He wants to see that girl!

COUNT:

I'm sure Mr. Lime is doing all he can, Rico.

HARRY:

Looking high and low, my dear Rico. Not as high as you, of course, but low. (CHUCKLES, TO HIMSELF) Indeed, low.

COUNT:

Mr. Lime, this young lady means a great deal to me. You would not suspect it, but I am a lonely man. I have only Rico.

HARRY:

Well, personally, I think Rico is plenty.

RICO:

Mind your tongue, Americano!

HARRY:

Consider it minded, Tiny Tim.

COUNT:

She is so charming. And even though I am shy, she seems not to mind. Most girls do not like, ah, when a man suffers from being shy.

HARRY:

Well, Joan's a very sympathetic girl. She's suffered herself, you know.

COUNT:

(SORRY TO HEAR IT) Oh. Really?

HARRY:

Oh, yes, yes. Her family was very wealthy but during the war, when England was fighting for its very existence, she and her father poured their wealth into the war effort. Nothing mattered to them but patriotism.

COUNT & RICO:

(ENTHUSIASTIC SALUTE) Viva!

HARRY:

Viva, yes, you're so right. After the war, nothing was left but Joan's jewels. And though jewels meant everything to her, as they do to most women, she sold them, without hesitation, in order that her old father might eat.

COUNT:

Oh, that is very touching.

HARRY:

Yes, I have always thought so.

COUNT:

Jewels mean a great deal to her, eh?

HARRY:

They did once, old man. She has none left now.

COUNT:

Jewels might, ah, win her heart?

HARRY:

(CONCEDES) Mm, they-they-they might, yes.

COUNT:

Mr. Lime, when you find her, I hope you will be able to persuade her to come to see me. No matter when it is, no matter what the time, bring her to me -- even in the middle of the night; even to my palace.

HARRY:

The middle of the night? Your palace? It's a date, old man. It's a date.

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRAL BRIDGE ... THEN BEHIND NARRATION--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) I took him at his word -- because there was nothing I'd like better than to have Joan in the Count's palace. First, of course, I briefed her on the little English history I'd invented about her. I let the Count ferment in his own grape juice. But finally--

SOUND:

KNOCKING ON DOOR ... NO RESPONSE ... THEN MORE KNOCKING

RICO:

(BEHIND DOOR) Si?

HARRY:

Uh, Mr. Lime, Rico. I've Joan Willoughby with me.

RICO:

(BEHIND DOOR) The English girl?

JOAN:

Hello, Rico.

COUNT:

(BEHIND DOOR) Joan Willoughby! Open the door, Rico!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

COUNT:

Miss Willoughby! It is such a pleasure.

JOAN:

(LAUGHS WARMLY)

COUNT:

Hello, Mr. Lime. Come in, come in.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

COUNT:

This way. We will go to the drawing room.

HARRY:

Mmmm.

JOAN:

(IMPRESSED) Oh, this is a lovely place.

COUNT:

(PLEASED) You like it! We have still a few things of value here, saved from the war. Saved from Mussolini. See? This picture. Small, but beautiful, is it not?

JOAN:

Oh, it is. Very beautiful.

COUNT:

A Tintoretto.

HARRY:

That small but beautiful picture must be worth a small but beautiful fortune, Count.

RICO:

(SUSPICIOUS) Always you are interested in the price of things, my friend. ...

COUNT:

It's scarcely worth a fortune. About two thousand English pounds, I should say.

HARRY:

Oh.

COUNT:

But come. Now, come this way.

JOAN:

(GASPS, STARTS TO WEEP) Oh, dear.

COUNT:

Oh! Why, what is the matter, Miss Willoughby?

JOAN:

This place-- (SNIFFLES)

HARRY:

(SOOTHING) I know, I know, I know, Joan. (EXPLAINS) It - it reminds her of the home that she lost, Count.

COUNT:

(SYMPATHETIC) Ohhhhh. Mr. Lime has told me about your family, Miss Willoughby. He has told me, too, about your jewels.

JOAN:

Oh, yes, my jewels. (VERY SAD) I shall never see them again.

COUNT:

Perhaps tonight I could show you my jewels. Perhaps you'd like to see them.

HARRY:

Yes, that would probably cheer you up a great deal, wouldn't it, my dear?

JOAN:

If you wish.

RICO:

(STERN) Count de la Robia?

COUNT:

Yes, Rico?

HARRY:

(KNOWS WHAT'S COMING) Oh.

RICO:

If you are to show the jewels, this man must leave!

COUNT:

(APOLOGETIC) Ohhh.

HARRY:

Our seven-foot duenna has spoken again.

COUNT:

In a way, Mr. Lime, Rico is right. The jewels are most valuable. It would be wrong of me to allow everybody to see them. Or see where I hide them.

HARRY:

I see. Or rather, the idea is I shouldn't see. Of course, with Miss Willoughby it's different. Jewels are for women, and a joe like myself hasn't the slightest curiosity about them, Canaletto landscapes or [?]. As a man, I have to be on the lookout for bigger things.

RICO:

You leave now.

HARRY:

Yes, Rico. You're one of those bigger things I keep an eye on.

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRAL TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATION--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) And so I left, knowing that Joan was going to accomplish her mission this night and that soon, very soon -- the long hand of Fate and Rico permitting -- we would be all set. As they say in another popular sport, ready to "take the count."

MUSIC:

UP, FOR A CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

In a moment, Orson Welles returns as Harry Lime, The Third Man.

MUSIC:

ZITHER INTERLUDE

ANNOUNCER:

And now, Orson Welles as Harry Lime, The Third Man, continues today's story, "Pleasure Before Business."

MUSIC:

ZITHER PLAYS "LA PALOMA" ... THEN BEHIND NARRATION--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) Back in my hotel room, I waited for Joan to return from the Count's palazzo to tell me how, and where, those jewels were keeping. I didn't merely twiddle my thumbs, of course; I twiddled my fingers on a phone -- and made reservations on several different trains and planes because, after I'd got the jewels, a strategic retreat from Venice -- and from the long arm of Rico -- would be definitely in order. Finally, quite late--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

JOAN:

Hello, Harry darling.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

HARRY:

Did you find out where the jewels are kept?

JOAN:

Let a girl catch her breath, will you?

HARRY:

That's small pickings, my dove. What else have you caught?

JOAN:

I've had a very interesting evening, Harry.

HARRY:

You sound like the local Ladies' Aid. Hope you learned something you can take home with you.

JOAN:

(GENUINE WARMTH) The Count is such a sweet old duck. He seems lonely, Harry.

HARRY:

Well, that's what you're there for, my duchess. Now what did you find out?

JOAN:

Oh, he's so grateful for a little attention. He likes to talk to people.

HARRY:

Did he whisper that sweet something in your ear about where his jewels are kept?

JOAN:

(UNINTERESTED) Oh, the - the jewels--

HARRY:

Yes.

JOAN:

Well, he keeps them locked in a safe.

HARRY:

In that, he's not unique. Now, look, Joan -- where is the safe?

JOAN:

(BRISK) In the drawing room. (ENTHUSIASTIC) It's too bad you never got to see the drawing room, Harry, because it's got one of the loveliest--

HARRY:

(INTERRUPTS) Safes. I know. Is it on the ground floor?

JOAN:

Er, yes.

HARRY:

Good. I can get in the window.

JOAN:

(ADMIRING) The furnishings in that room-- Oh, Harry, they're--

HARRY:

Don't be greedy, dear. The jewels will have to do. Where exactly is the safe?

JOAN:

Oh, it's on the floor. It's built into the floor under the carpet. You should see the designs he's got on that carpet. They--

HARRY:

You should see the designs I've got on that safe. What's the combination?

JOAN:

(THOUGHTFUL) Well, it's a funny thing about that. I - I didn't really notice the combination.

HARRY:

(DISBELIEF) What?!

JOAN:

I mean, consciously notice it, Harry. Consciously, yet-- Well, the Count was talking, you see, while he opened it, and he was so interesting--

HARRY:

His talk was interesting so you didn't make an effort to notice the combination?

JOAN:

That's right. You see, he was telling me about how his family had always had that space in the floor as a hiding place, for centuries back, and he himself installed the modern safe there -- he and Rico -- because this was while Mussolini was ruling the country and Poochie didn't trust--

HARRY:

Poochie?! Oh, brother.

JOAN:

I call the Count "Poochie."

HARRY:

Well, isn't that dandy?

JOAN:

Do you know, Harry, he didn't trust the blackshirt artisans he would have had to hire because Mussolini--?

HARRY:

(GRIM, ALMOST THREATENING) Joan.

JOAN:

What?

HARRY:

Combination to the safe, honey.

JOAN:

Oh, that.

HARRY:

Yes, that.

JOAN:

Oh. Well, I didn't notice it consciously but, you see, I've trained myself so well that, subconsciously, well--

HARRY:

(A BIG IMPATIENT SIGH)

JOAN:

Here's the combination.

HARRY:

(CHUCKLES) Good. A little more of that kind of stalling, my sweet, and you'd be having trouble with your Uncle Harry. This does it, Joan. I'll get the jewels tomorrow night.

JOAN:

I see. And I keep Poochie away from the palace for you.

HARRY:

Not on your life. I want him in that mausoleum when I take the jewels.

JOAN:

Oh, but, Harry--!

HARRY:

If he's out, there's always the chance he may come back and catch me. If he's in, I wait until he's in bed, two stories above the drawing room, I'm pretty safe. Two stories with me are as good as an alibi any time.

JOAN:

Oh, but Harry, I have a date with Poochie tomorrow night.

HARRY:

Joan, all I wanted you to do was to get the combination of the safe. You don't have to do any more work on Poochie Coochie Count.

JOAN:

Don't I, Harry? Don't I really?

HARRY:

No. Remember on this job, you don't get time-and-a-half for overtime.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... ZITHER PLAYS A VARIATION ON "THIRD MAN THEME" ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

HARRY:

(NARRATES) So, I had to postpone the compounding of my little felony. I wanted the Count to be safely in bed when I tackled that safe. Dreamland was one place where he couldn't keep an eye on me. And if Joan had a date with him, it'd be inadvisable for her to break it, that's all. The Count mustn't be kept up at night worrying about Joan or anything else. Uneasy lies the head that wears a frown. The Count must be kept in the mood for deep, happy slumber. So, I let Joan keep her date, reflecting that one night more wouldn't matter. But the next night--

JOAN:

But I have a date with Poochie again tonight.

HARRY:

(NARRATES) More smoochie with Poochie. Or was that the last date? Poochie, it seemed, wanted to be a regular fellow with Joan. And she, every curved inch of her a woman, seemed willing to oblige. Finally, I told her that she had to refuse one date. Just one.

JOAN:

But, Harry darling, he shows me such a good time.

HARRY:

(NARRATES) She did, however, refuse him the date, saying that she had to catch up on some correspondence. I think she meant writing letters. The next night, I watched the windows of the palace till all the lights had been turned out, and for some time afterwards -- just to be on the safe side, which is precisely where I was heading. It was nearly two in the morning when I jimmied open the window of the Count's drawing room.

SOUND:

WINDOW JIMMIED, THEN SLID OPEN ... HARRY CLIMBS THROUGH WINDOW ONTO CARPETED FLOOR

HARRY:

(NARRATES) Joan had told me exactly where to turn up the carpet. I did turn it up and there was the safe, embedded in the floor. I checked the combination and went ahead...

SOUND:

CLICKS OF COMBINATION LOCK TURNING

HARRY:

(NARRATES) ...avoiding a temptation to whistle as I worked.

SOUND:

SAFE DOOR OPENS

HARRY:

(VERY QUIETLY, TO HIMSELF) There we are.

SOUND:

SCRAPE OF JEWELS HANDLED AND PULLED OUT OF SAFE

JOAN:

(OFF) Harry!

HARRY:

(STARTLED) What the devil? (BEAT, RELIEVED) Oh, Joan.

JOAN:

(CLOSER) Harry, you mustn't take those jewels.

HARRY:

(WHISPERS) Shhh! Whisper, can't you?

JOAN:

(WHISPERS) Don't take the jewels!

HARRY:

(WHISPERS) What are you talking about?

JOAN:

(WHISPERS) It isn't fair!

HARRY:

(WHISPERS) What isn't fair?

JOAN:

(WHISPERS) Taking money from Poochie!

HARRY:

(WHISPERS ANGRILY) Poochie, schmoochie! (UPSET, RAISES HIS VOICE) Are you out of your mind?

JOAN:

You'd call it that, Harry Lime. I guess I'd call it love.

HARRY:

Call it anything, as long as you whisper it! I'm getting out of here before friend Rico gets a crush on me.

JOAN:

You're not leaving like this, Harry Lime! You're not gonna take those jewels!

HARRY:

Now I've heard everything. I think--

JOAN:

I don't care what you think. I love Poochie. Do you hear me?

RICO:

(OFF) Everybody hear you, Englishwoman.

JOAN:

Rico! He's got the Count's jewels!

RICO:

(CLOSER, INTENSE) Stop where you are, Mr. Lime. I've used this gun before.

HARRY:

Okay, okay. Hold your fire, buster.

RICO:

I think I will shoot. This was a plan that both of you had, wasn't it? You and the girl.

JOAN:

Yes, Rico, it's true. I found out where the jewels were kept and-- Oh, I - I love Poochie and I don't want--

COUNT:

(APPROACHES, HAPPY) Joan! Joan! You love me?!

JOAN:

Oh, Poochie, darling!

HARRY:

(DISGUSTED GROAN)

RICO:

Count de la Robia, this woman and this man have conspired to rob you!

COUNT:

That doesn't matter now. You love me, Joan?

RICO:

I will shoot both of them, Count.

JOAN:

(TO COUNT, GENUINE) Yes, I love you!

COUNT:

(EXULTANT) Glorioso! (TO RICO) Put down that ridiculous gun! (NO RESPONSE, INSISTS) Rico!

RICO:

(DISGUSTED) Aaah!

HARRY:

Yes, you've done your work, Kid Cupid. No need for those thirty-eight caliber darts.

JOAN:

Oh, Poochie, we both tried to cheat you and rob you. I'm not what you thought I was. I - I've always lived on my wits. I'm a crook and so is Harry.

HARRY:

Pardon me while I put a nickel on the drum.

JOAN:

Oh, stop it, Harry. Poochie, we're both guilty. You can kill us or you can turn us out, or--

COUNT:

(ROMANTIC) Or -- I can take you in my arms!

JOAN:

(RELIEVED, LOVINGLY) Oh, Poochie.

RICO:

Stay where you are, Mr. Lime.

HARRY:

(LIGHTLY) Sorry. Your slightest swish of that gun is my command.

COUNT:

(TO JOAN) Oh, just a moment, carissima, I must take care of your friend, Mr. Lime. (GENTLEMANLY, TO HARRY) I'm sorry I cannot oblige you in the matter of the jewels.

HARRY:

Oh, of course. Now, don't apologize, old boy. Your wife will be needing all this ice to cool her neck on hot summer evenings.

COUNT:

Even so. And now, I think it would be best for you to leave.

HARRY:

I quite understand. No need to show me the door.

RICO:

I will show you to the door, just the same.

HARRY:

Count, I'm a relatively simple man. My wants are few. Could I, for once, leave your presence without having this gargantuan gargoyle making like a Boy Scout?

COUNT:

Mr. Lime, I owe you some gratitude. After all, you did introduce me to Joan. I would like to repay you. I fear I can't.

HARRY:

I know, I know, it's not the principle, it's the money.

COUNT:

But perhaps I can show the high regard in which, despite everything, I hold you -- by asking you to be best man at my wedding.

HARRY:

Count de la Robia -- and, ah, Joan de la Robia-to-be, and all the little de la Robias-to-be ----- it will be a pleasure.

JOAN:

Oh, I'm so glad, Poochie, you don't hold anything against Harry.

COUNT:

Quite the contrary. Goodbye, Mr. Lime.

HARRY:

Arrivederci.

RICO:

And I will go to the door with you.

HARRY:

Oh, no, no, no, no. Another compound fracture would be too much in one busy week.

COUNT:

No, Rico. This man has brought me great happiness. We must allow him to leave like an honest man.

HARRY:

Well, at least like an able-bodied man.

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA SNEAKS IN AND BUILDS TO FINISH DURING FOLLOWING--

COUNT:

Who knows? Perhaps such treatment will actually make an honest man of Mr. Lime.

HARRY:

Count de la Robia, I'm tremendously touched but I hope I'm never that touched. Goodbye, my dear friend. Goodbye, Joan.

COUNT:

Goodbye.

JOAN:

Goodbye.

HARRY:

Until the wedding, then. Goodbye, Rico ---- you'll make a wonderful flower girl.

JOAN:

(CHUCKLES)

MUSIC:

UP, FOR FINISH

ANNOUNCER:

Harry Lime returns in just a moment.

MUSIC:

ZITHER INTERLUDE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now, Harry Lime.

HARRY:

That night, leaving Venice, traveling up toward Milan on the train, I felt almost sorry that I couldn't, after all, be the best man at the wedding of those two people. It was unfortunately necessary for me to leave Venice immediately because, you see, on my way out of the Count's palace that night -- unaccompanied, you may remember, by the ruddy Rico -- I stopped to admire the little Tintoretto hanging in the entrance hall; the little picture which the Count had said was worth two thousand pounds. As a matter of fact, that picture was worth twenty-two hundred and fifty pounds and I think I still have the dealer's receipt to prove it. So long now.

MUSIC:

ZITHER PLAYS "THE THIRD MAN THEME"