MUSIC:

IN AND IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

RCA Victor -- world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television -- presents, transcribed, THE PHIL HARRIS-ALICE FAYE SHOW!

MUSIC:

UP, FOR THEME ... JULE STYNE'S "SUNDAY" ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

For your enjoyment, here is THE PHIL HARRIS-ALICE FAYE SHOW, written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevillat, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Roos, Anne Whitfield, Walter Scharf and His Music, and yours truly, Bill Forman.

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Most people think of Phil Harris as an irresponsible individual. Very few realize that he has a serious side. Tonight he sets out to prove that he can be serious by engaging in a very civic-minded project. More about that later. First, a word from RCA Victor.

A million dollars worth of entertainment comes your way every week on television. And you'll see clearer pictures of TV's brightest stars and finest shows when you watch them on new RCA Victor television -- and for this important reason: Every new RCA Victor television receiver has the famous Magic Monitor circuit system. The exclusive Magic Monitor acts like an engineer inside your set. It screens out interference automatically, steps up power automatically, and automatically ties the best sound to the clearest picture. Visit your dealer tomorrow. Let him show you his selection of new, low-priced quality television by RCA Victor. Prices start as low as one hundred, ninety-nine dollars and ninety-five cents.

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And remember, when your television set needs a new picture tube, have your service man install an RCA tube. RCA makes picture tubes to fit virtually every make set. They're the industry's finest -- yet they cost no more than other brands.

MUSIC:

FANFARE ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

It's four o'clock in the Harris household and little Phyllis hasn't as yet arrived home from school. She's an hour late, and Phil and Alice are a little upset.

PHIL:

I wonder where Phyllis is. She should have been home an hour ago.

ALICE:

Oh, don't worry, Phil. She's been late before.

PHIL:

What do you mean "don't worry"? I've called every place she might be and she's not there.

ALICE:

Maybe she stopped on the way home to get a drink.

PHIL:

I doubt it. ... But I'll call the corner saloon and find out. ...

ALICE:

I mean a soda.

PHIL:

Oh! Oh. Well, maybe I ought to go down and see--

PHYLLIS:

Hiya, mommy; daddy!

PHIL:

Well, it's about time ya got home. Where've ya been? Why are ya so late?

PHYLLIS:

The teacher kept me after school. She said the history homework I did last night was all wrong.

PHIL:

So! My child can't grasp the simple things that they teach in the elementary grades! After this, if you have any trouble, come to me with your homework!

PHYLLIS:

That's what I did last night, daddy. ...

PHIL:

Oh. (BEAT) And what makes your teacher so sure it was wrong? ...

PHYLLIS:

She said the Monroe Doctrine was written by James Monroe, not Marilyn. ...

PHIL:

I know, but history is so dull, I thought I'd liven it up a little. ...

PHYLLIS:

Daddy, the teacher said you need help, so she gave me these pamphlets for you to read.

PHIL:

I don't need no help.

ALICE:

Oh, now, honey, it won't hurt you to read these pamphlets, Phil. Look, they're about the political history of our country, current issues of the political campaign, party platforms--

PHIL:

Hold it, Mamie! Hold it. ... I don't have to read no pamphlets to know what's goin' on in the country. I'm right up to the minute on world affairs and current events like every good American citizen should be.

ALICE:

Well, I'm glad you feel that way, because there's something I forgot to tell you. The election committee called and they want us to help out at the election on Tuesday.

PHIL:

Election? Somebody runnin' for somethin'? ...

ALICE:

Phil, we're voting for a president. And they want me to work at the polls and they want you to go 'round to the neighborhood and get the people to vote.

PHIL:

Oh, Alice, I can't be bothered with that stuff. Let somebody else do it.

ALICE:

Now, that's not the right attitude. This is an important election and you should do your part.

PHYLLIS:

Please do it, daddy. We'll be proud of you. You'll be running the election and helping to pick the president.

PHIL: Yes, but, Phyllis, I don't want to-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Runnin' the election, huh? ... (WITH INCREASING ENTHUSIASM) I'll be pickin' the president! Well, if it's up to me, we don't need no election! I'll call the whole thing off! I'll make big changes! I'll--

ALICE:

Phil--

PHIL:

I'm talkin' about big changes! I'll make a clean sweep of the whole country!

ALICE:

Phil, stop swinging your arms! If anybody came in behind you, you'd knock--

PHIL:

Yes, sir! I'll sweep every--

SOUND:

SOCK! AS PHIL CLOBBERS WILLIAM ... THUD! AS WILLIAM FALLS TO FLOOR

ALICE:

Oh! Oh, Phil! Look what you did!

PHIL:

(APOLOGETIC) Oh, well, gee, honey, I didn't know anybody was in back of me.

ALICE:

It's my brother William! You knocked him out.

PHIL:

Oh. (ENTHUSIASTIC AGAIN) As I was sayin', I'll make a whole sweep of the country! ...

ALICE:

Phil! Phil, don't let him lie there. Help him up.

PHIL:

Okay, okay.

ALICE:

How is he, Phil? Is he unconscious?

PHIL:

With Willie, it's hard to tell. ...

WILLIAM:

(WAKES, GROANS)

PHIL:

Oh, he's all right. He's comin' to, honey.

ALICE:

Willie, are you all right?

WILLIAM:

Wha - what hit me?

ALICE:

Well, Phil did, but he didn't mean it. It was an accident.

WILLIAM:

I don't believe it. I think the big lummox did it on purpose.

ALICE:

Oh, now don't be ridiculous. Phil would never hit you on purpose. Would you, Phil?

PHIL:

(UNCONVINCING) Nahhhhhhh! ...

ALICE:

You see, he was carried away by the good news.

PHIL:

Yeah, I'm awfully sorry, Willie, but I got excited when Alice told me I'm gonna be in politics. You see, the election committee wants someone to go around and get people to vote and they selected me for the job.

WILLIAM:

Ohhhh, they picked a lulu! ...

PHIL:

Don't be funny! I think they made a very good choice. Where could they go find a better man than me?

WILLIAM:

A hobo jungle, Skid Row, La Brea Tar Pits-- ...

PHIL:

(ENOUGH ALREADY!) All right! ...

WILLIAM:

Phillip, you can't be on the election committee. You don't know anything about the coming elections. Why, I doubt if you even know the names of the candidates.

PHIL:

Who don't? You mean to stand there and say that I don't know the names of the candidates? Them guys are -- famous. Those - guys that are runnin'. ... Why, any child knows their names. I - I bet you know who's runnin', don't you, Phyllis?

PHYLLIS:

Yes, daddy.

PHIL:

And I bet you could name 'em if I asked ya.

PHYLLIS:

Yes, daddy.

PHIL:

Well, I'm askin'. Name 'em! ...

ALICE:

Oh, Phil, you must know who's running.

PHIL:

Of course, honey, I know who's running. I just want to see if the child knows.

PHYLLIS:

I know. Stevenson and Eisenhower.

PHIL:

Right! And you couldn't find a better man than Steven Eisenhower. ... And the other man running is--?

ALICE:

(DRY) Eisen Stevenson.

PHIL:

Also an excellent candidate! ...

ALICE:

You know, Phil, I think you ought to learn more about the candidates. The committee's coming over tonight to find out if you're capable of handling the job. You know, you have to have a knowledge of politics in case people ask questions.

PHIL:

Let 'em ask questions! Let 'em interrogate me!

WILLIAM:

(CONDESCENDING) What was that last word?

PHIL:

Me! M-E! ...

ALICE:

Now, Phil, they're liable to ask you questions you can't answer. For example, suppose somebody asked you to explain the reason for the Fifth Amendment.

PHIL:

It's a cinch! (BEAT) The, um-- The Fifth Amendment is there because they needed something to put between the Fourth and Sixth Amendment! ... It's an amendment that, uh-- Uh--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

PHIL:

Thank you. I'll get it! ...

SOUND:

PHIL'S STEPS TO DOOR BEHIND--

PHIL:

(TO HIMSELF) I'm ashamed to admit it, but I don't know what that Fifth Amendment is. I know I ought to know, but I--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

ELLIOTT:

(CHEERFUL) Hiya, Curly!

PHIL:

Hey, Elliott! Hey, I'm glad you're here, kid. 'Cause I know you know all about politics. Listen, um-- Are you familiar with the amendments?

ELLIOTT:

Oh, yeah.

PHIL:

What do you think of the Fifth?

ELLIOTT:

Good sized bottle. ...

PHIL:

(TO HIMSELF) How could I have missed on that one? ...

ELLIOTT:

What's this political stuff, Curly?

PHIL:

Well, I'm on the election committee and I gotta get out and gotta get people to vote. Uh, by the way, who you votin' for?

ELLIOTT:

I ain't votin'. I don't believe in changing a president.

PHIL:

Well, some people think we should.

ELLIOTT:

Well, that's because they haven't followed the career of our president as closely as I have. I say the man's doing a good job and as long as he continues to do a good job, let's keep Hoover there! ...

PHIL:

Elliott, Mr. Truman is President of the United States, not Hoover.

ELLIOTT:

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Of course. I's thinkin' of Canada. ...

PHIL:

You know even less about politics than I do. Don't you realize how important it is to vote? Terrible things can happen if people don't get out and vote.

ELLIOTT:

Like what?

PHIL:

Like what happened to my poor father. One year, he didn't vote and they passed Prohibition! ... Poor dad. He developed a ring around his neck from drinking gin out of the bathtub. ...

ELLIOTT:

Curly, I don't think it makes much difference who you vote for.

PHIL:

What do you mean it don't make much difference? If we pick the wrong guy, we can get into as much trouble as the people did when they had that Nebuchadnezzar.

ELLIOTT:

What was wrong with him, besides his name? ...

PHIL:

Plenty! Just sit down and I'll tell you about old Neb'.

ELLIOTT:

Mm hm.

PHIL:

(SINGS, UNACCOMPANIED)
Ol' Nebuchadnezzar was the king of Babylon!

MUSIC:

ACCOMPANIES PHIL AND CHORUS AS THEY SING ROBERT MacGIMSEY'S "SHADRACK"

PHIL:

(SINGS)
There was three children from the land of Israel,
Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!
They took a little trip to the land of Babylon,
Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!
Nebuchadnezzar was the king of Babylon,
Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!
He took a lot of gold, and made him an idol,
Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!

CHORUS:

(SINGS)
And he told everybody: When you hear the music of the cornet --
And the flute! --
And the harp! --

PHIL:

Then you must fall down and worship that idol!
CHORUS: Shadrack!
PHIL: Meshack, Abednego!

But the people of Israel would not bow down!
CHORUS: Shadrack!
PHIL: Meshack, Abednego!
You couldn't fool them with a golden idol!
CHORUS: Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!

PHIL:

I said you couldn't fool 'em with a golden idol!
CHORUS: Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!

PHIL:

So the king put the children in the fiery furnace!
CHORUS: Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!
PHIL: Then he heaped on the coals and the red-hot brimstone!
CHORUS: Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!
PHIL: Seven times hotter, hotter than it oughta be!
CHORUS: Shadrack! Shadrack!
PHIL: Then he burned up the soldiers the king had put there!
CHORUS: Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!

PHIL:

But the Lord sent an angel with snowy white wings
Down in the middle of that furnace,
Talkin' to the people 'bout the power of the Gospel!
CHORUS: Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!
Doo, doo-dooda doo-doot!

PHIL:

Well, they couldn't even burn a hair on the head of old
Shadrack, Meshack, Abednego!
Laughin' and talkin' while the fire was a-jumpin'!
CHORUS: Shadrack!
PHIL: The Lord was on their side!
Old Nebuchadnezzar called, "Hey, there!"
When he saw the power of the Lord,
And they had a big time in the house of Babylon!
CHORUS: Shadrack! Shaaaaaad-raaaaaaaacks!
Meshack, Abedne-gooooooooooooooooooooooo!

MUSIC:

SONG ENDS

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

PHIL:

Hey, look, Elliott, the election committee's comin' over tonight to question me to find out if I'm qualified for the job. I gotta know the answers.

ELLIOTT:

Well, that shouldn't be hard. Books have been written on the subject. Let's go out and get a book on politics.

PHIL:

Hey, yeah, that's a good idea. Well, wait a minute, why go out? Let's just look at my book collection.

ELLIOTT:

(BEAT, DISBELIEF) Your book collection? ... I don't think that's gonna do it.

PHIL:

(MILDLY OFFENDED) Please! I happen to have a very extensive library. Just look over them shelves.

ELLIOTT:

(MOCK POLITE) May I? (READS, WITH DIFFICULTY) Er, "The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám," "Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire," "Masochistic Tendencies of the Malayans"-- ...

PHIL:

(HIGHBROW ACCENT) That one was a smasher. ... I suggest you read it some time, old boy.

ELLIOTT:

Yes, perhaps I-- No. I'll wait till they make the picture. ... See what else you got here. Ah! Here's just what we're looking for. (READS) "Tom Swift and His Electric Ballot Box-Stuffer." ...

PHIL:

Look, will you cut it out? This is serious. If I don't find a book, maybe I'd just better forget the whole thing because I--

ALICE:

(APPROACHES) Oh, Phil? Phil, I want to ask you-- Hello, Elliott.

ELLIOTT:

Hi, Alice.

PHIL:

Hey, Alice, I been thinkin' about it. Maybe I shouldn't serve on that committee.

ALICE:

Oh, but, Phil, I think you should. It's important to call at people's homes and get them out to vote.

PHIL:

Yeah, but they're gonna ask me questions. Now, if I can't answer, then they won't even let me in their homes.

ELLIOTT:

Hey, Curly, I got an idea. Why don't you practice on Alice and me? Pretend we're a married couple and you're tryin' to get us to vote.

PHIL:

Okay, I'll-- Wait a minute! ... You and Alice are married? I don't like that.

ELLIOTT:

Oh, don't be a child. We're only playing house. Now, you go to the door and ring the bell.

PHIL:

(HALF-CONVINCED) Okay.

ELLIOTT:

Now, Alice, we'll make like we're a married couple.

ALICE:

All right.

ELLIOTT:

Put your head on my shoulder.

ALICE:

Mm hm. ...

ELLIOTT:

I'll put my arm around ya, like this. (BEAT, SWEETLY) Comfy, dear?

ALICE:

(DREAMILY) Yes, darling.

PHIL:

CUT! ... We ain't gonna do it that way, Elliott. ...

ELLIOTT:

Please, don't tell me how to play house. ... Go outside and ring the bell and I'll let you in.

PHIL:

And let me in fast, brother! ... I don't want no pause between the bell ringin' and the door openin'. ...

ALICE:

Phil, stop acting like a silly schoolboy. Now, go on outside.

PHIL:

Okay, I'll try it. No lulls! ...

SOUND:

PHIL'S STEPS AWAY

ELLIOTT:

Hey, look, Alice--

ALICE:

Yeah?

ELLIOTT:

We gotta make it tough for Curly. We'll pretend we're not interested in voting and it's up to him to convince us that we should vote.

JULIUS:

(APPROACHES) Miss Faye! I brung your groceries! They're in the kitchen!

ALICE:

Oh, thank you, Julius.

JULIUS:

Hi, Mr. Lewis. Where's Mr. Harris?

ELLIOTT:

Beat it, kid. We're busy. Go on, scram! Scram!

JULIUS:

Stop pushin', mac! I'll go. I ain't overjoyed at the prospect of your company anyway. ...

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

ELLIOTT:

(OVERLY SWEET, TO ALICE) Someone's at the door, darling.

JULIUS:

(MIMICKING) Well, answer it, Sweetie Pie! ...

ELLIOTT:

(SHARPLY) Will you beat it? I'm talkin' to Alice. (SWEETLY, TO ALICE) There's someone at the door, angel.

ALICE:

(LOVINGLY) I'll get it, honey.

ELLIOTT:

Let's go together, sweetheart.

ALICE:

(WARMLY) Oh--

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS TO DOOR BEHIND--

JULIUS:

(ASTONISHED, TO HIMSELF) Angel? Honey? Sweetheart? So this is what goes on when Mr. Harris is not home! Ooooh! What a nauseatin' situation! ... I better sneak up and find out what's goin' on.

ALICE:

I'll open the door, dearest.

ELLIOTT:

Careful of your itty-bitty hands, Cookie Pie.

JULIUS:

(TO HIMSELF) I don't know which is more nauseatin' -- the situation or the dialogue. ...

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

ALICE:

(CALLS) Coming!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

PHIL:

(OVERLY POLITE) Hello.

JULIUS:

(TO HIMSELF) Uh oh! It's Mr. Harris! Now the fireworks start!

PHIL:

Madam, my name is Phil Harris.

JULIUS:

(TO HIMSELF, CONFUSED) Does he have to introduce himself every time he comes home? ...

PHIL:

I'd like to talk to you. May I come in?

ALICE:

Oh, not now. I'm very busy. Come back some other time.

PHIL:

Well, madam, if I can't talk to you, may I talk to your husband?

JULIUS:

(TO HIMSELF) He's gotta ask her if it's all right to talk to himself?! ...

ALICE:

Well, I'm sorry but my husband is busy--

ELLIOTT:

(APPROACHES) Is there somebody at the door, darling? I-- (SEES PHIL) Well! And who is this?

JULIUS:

(TO HIMSELF) How can he act so innocent?! ...

ALICE:

Oh, this - this is Mr. Harris, darling. Mr. Harris, I'm Mrs. Harris, and this is my husband Mr. Lewis. ...

JULIUS:

(TO HIMSELF) I guess-- I guess I just don't understand these Hollywood marriages! ...

ELLIOTT:

What's on your mind, Harris?

PHIL:

Well, there's something I gotta talk to you two about. There's something I must know.

JULIUS:

(TO HIMSELF) Heh! Here's where the shootin' starts!

ELLIOTT:

What do you want to know?

PHIL:

Are you two voting next Tuesday?

JULIUS:

(TO HIMSELF) Now, there's a shrewd question under the circumstances! ... I can't stand no more o' this! (TO PHIL) Mr. Harris, can't ya see what's goin' on here?!

PHIL:

Oh, Julius. What are you doin' in here?

ELLIOTT:

He delivered the groceries. We thought he left.

JULIUS:

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Lewis, callin' Miss Faye "Cookie Pie" right in front of poor Mr. Harris!

PHIL:

(AMUSED, PLEASED) Ha ha! Hey, what do ya know? The kid's stickin' up for me!

JULIUS:

Sure, I'm stickin' up for ya! I can't let your wife do this to you just 'cause you're a poor broken-down old musician who ain't got enough talent to--!

PHIL:

(ANGRY) Never mind! ... Get off my side. ... Beat it, will ya? (DISCOURAGED, TO ALICE) Now, ya see? The kid darn near spoiled the whole thing. Well, I wasn't doin' so good anyway.

ALICE:

Aw, Phil, it might help if you read those pamphlets the children brought home from school. They explain the candidates, their platforms, and how the government is run in a very simple language.

PHIL:

Okay, okay, I'll read the pamphlets. Come on, Elliott. We got just time to read them things before the committee gets here.

ELLIOTT:

All right.

PHIL:

I'll see ya later, honey.

MUSIC:

ACCOMPANIES ALICE AND CHORUS WHO SING GERSHWIN'S "SOMEBODY LOVES ME"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE FOR SONG

PHIL:

You know somethin', Elliott? This is very interesting. According to these pamphlets, almost any kid in this country has a chance to grow up and be president.

ELLIOTT:

Not havin' any kids, I ain't interested. ...

PHIL:

But supposin' ya did. Just picture it, Elliott. Someday ya get married and after a year or two, the stork comes to your house and who knows? The little one might grow up to be president. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

ELLIOTT:

Yeah. I'll have the only stork that ever grew up to be president. ... Look, Curly, forget my kid and think about your committee. They'll be here soon. Now, can you memorize everything ya read?

PHIL:

Well, I hope so. There's an awful lot to remember.

ELLIOTT:

I'll brief ya. First, our form of government. It's divided into three branches: legislative, executive, and judiciary. You know all the candidates and their different platforms. And of course you know that we don't elect our president through popular vote. We send members to the Electoral College who, in turn, elect a president. Ya follow me?

PHIL:

Yeah, I got most of it. ... What was that stuff after you said, "I'll brief ya"? ...

ELLIOTT:

I'll tell ya once more. The government is--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

PHIL:

Uh oh, it's too late, Elliott. There's the committee. Look, I think I'll remember everything if they just start asking questions fast before I forget.

ELLIOTT:

Well, don't wait. Start talkin' politics as soon as they come in.

PHIL:

Okay.

ALICE:

Phil? Phil, the committee is here. Uh, Mr. Johnson, Mr. Kerwin -- this is my husband Mr. Harris.

JOHNSON:

How do you do, Mr. Harris?

KERWIN:

How are you, sir?

PHIL:

(UP BIG AND FAST) Our government is divided into three branches: the legislative, the executive, and the joo-wee-jitsa-nary! ... (LOW) How'm I doin' with my answers, Alice?

ALICE:

Oh, not bad, considering they haven't asked you any questions. ... Uh, won't you be seated, gentlemen?

JOHNSON:

Oh, thank you, but we can't stay long. Ah, now, Mr. Harris, we're merely here to find out if you're familiar with the election procedure.

KERWIN:

We know you are, but some voters might ask silly questions like, "How is a president elected?"

PHIL:

Oh, that I know! The president is not elected by popular vote. Instead, we vote to send members to an electrical college-- ... --and after they graduate from college, they vote for us! ... And, uh-- So that's why it takes four years to elect a president. ...

JOHNSON:

(BEAT, STUNNED, UNENTHUSIASTIC) Yes. ... That's a very keen analysis.

PHIL:

Oh, it was nothing.

JOHNSON:

(VERY DRY) I know, but you did it so well. ... Harris, do you know anything at all about politics? Do you know who you're going to vote for yourself?

PHIL:

(MILDLY OFFENDED) Of course I know who I'm votin' for! Who are you votin' for?

JOHNSON:

My candidate's name is right on this button.

PHIL:

Let me see it. (BEAT) Oh, you're votin' for some Hawaiian. A guy named Ill-a-kee-kee. ...

JOHNSON:

That's "I Like Ike." ... [APPLAUSE] Eisenhower is my candidate. And, off the record, I hope you're voting for Eisenhower, too.

PHIL:

(CAGEY) Of course. Who else?

KERWIN:

I think Governor Stevenson is the better man.

PHIL:

That's what I said. Governor Stevenson, by all means! ...

JOHNSON:

Of course, there are people who like General MacArthur.

PHIL:

He'll get my vote, too! ...

ELLIOTT:

(QUICK, MISCHIEVOUS) How ya feel about Lassie?

PHIL:

You couldn't find a better man-- Will you cut it out?! ...

JOHNSON:

Er, Mr. Harris, according to you, you're voting for three men. Do you think we should have three presidents at the same time?

PHIL:

And why not? While one is joining Indian tribes and the second one is out fishing, the third one can stay at the White House and get some work done! ... [APPLAUSE]

KERWIN:

Mr. Johnson, I think we've heard enough. Shall we go?

JOHNSON:

Yes, yes. Mr. Harris, I don't think you're the man for the election committee. Unfortunately, we can't prevent you from voting yourself-- ... -- but we can keep you from lousing up everybody else. ... Good night, sir.

ALICE:

Oh, but, gentlemen, Mr. Harris didn't have--

JOHNSON:

(INTERRUPTS, FIRMLY) Good night, Mrs. Harris. (BEAT, GRAVELY) You have our deepest sympathy. ...

SOUND:

DOOR SHUTS

ALICE:

(GENTLY) Phil, you didn't know what you were talking about at all.

PHIL:

I know it, honey. I know didn't. But I'm gonna find out what it's all about before I vote on Tuesday. I'm gonna start reading up on the candidates right now. I found out one thing. It's terribly important to vote for the right man.

ELLIOTT:

You said it, Curly. A man should make an intelligent choice.

PHIL:

Well, then come on, let's study these pamphlets. They explain the platforms of General Eisenhower, Governor Stevenson, General MacArthur, and-- Elliott, what are you doin'?

ELLIOTT:

Choosin' the man I'm gonna vote for.

PHIL:

How ya doin' it?

ELLIOTT:

I'm puttin' all the names in a hat and I'm gonna pick one. ...

PHIL:

Elliott, ya can't do it that way!

ELLIOTT:

Too late, I already picked a name out. Here it is! I'm voting-- (BEAT, AMUSED) That's funny. I didn't even put this one in. ...

PHIL:

Who is it?

ELLIOTT:

Some guy named Stetson! ...

PHIL:

You picked out the label! ... Now, will ya sit down? We're gonna read this pamphlet!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. If you live in a television area and there's a picture in the air, you'll get it on RCA Victor Television Deluxe. In these finest of all RCA Victor receivers, you get more tubes, more interference traps, and an extra reserve of power to pull in pictures even in the toughest reception areas -- city or country. These new RCA Victor television sets also bring you the exclusive Magic Monitor circuit system. The Magic Monitor acts like an engineer inside your set; works automatically to give you the clearest pictures. But RCA Victor Television Deluxe offers more than outstanding performance. It brings you big seventeen- or twenty-one-inch television in table model or console cabinets of unmatched beauty, unsurpassed craftsmanship. Yes, for the ultimate in television quality, performance, and beauty, buy new RCA Victor Television Deluxe at your RCA Victor dealer's tomorrow.

MUSIC:

TAG

PHIL:

Folks, this is Phil again and I just want to tell you that Elliott and I did study those pamphlets, because we realize how important this coming Election Day is. You know, it's great to know that we're living in a place where you can go out and vote for the man you want. There's nobody standin' behind ya tellin' ya whatcha _got_ta do. So get out on Tuesday and go to the polls. Vote for whoever ya please. But please vote. Thanks and good night, everybody.

ALICE:

Good night, everybody.

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APPLAUSE

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THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Included in this program, transcribed, were Gale Gordon and Leo Cleary. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE FADES OUT

ANNOUNCER:

When you choose a television receiver for your home, you owe it to yourself to choose the finest. And then you owe it to yourself to see that this fine instrument is properly installed and adjusted to the city, to the block, adjusted even to the side of the room in which you choose to have it. That's why so many people choose RCA Victor for the finest in television -- and RCA service for the finest in television installation, adjustment, and service. When you select your RCA Victor television model, get an RCA Victor factory service contract, too. America's finest television deserves America's finest service.

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THEME ... BEHIND APPLAUSE--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN FADES OUT

NBC ANNCR:

Great music for your listening pleasure can be heard on THE STANDARD HOUR tonight on NBC.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES't remember anymore, or the fact that some games have survived a quarter of a century.