CAST:
ANNOUNCER
MISS TITHINWITHER
NOTE: "Miss Aline Berry was featured in the monologue on the Rudy Vallee variety program the night of June 13, 1935. It was the same night that Jim Braddock won the heavyweight championship from Max Baer and the interest of the entire country was centered on the prize ring.
"The sketch was written to take full advantage of the sound effect man's box of tricks. The voice of Miss Tithinwither was heard against an audible background of an excited crowd at the ringside and the listener heard the bell, the thud of gloves and other sounds picturing intense action. On paper, the sketch is a monologue. On the air it was comedy panorama. ... This sketch played approximately five minutes, but because of clever use of sound effects the listener was not conscious of the fact that only one person was talking for five minutes."
--author Peter Dixon, 1936
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FOLLOWING IS ALL THROUGH FILTER ... CROWD RECORD, LOW
ANNOUNCER:
Good-evening, ladies and gentlemen ... Ben Grauer speaking. We interrupt our broadcast of the preliminary fights now to present a surprise. The seventh round of this battle between Butch Malarkey and Wildflower McGurk will be announced by Miss Susan Tithinwither, president of the Society for the Prevention of Prize Fights ... who will attempt to make you realize what a sordid sport boxing really is. Here we are at the ringside ... between the 6th and 7th rounds ... and here's Miss Tithinwither. Take it away, Susie!
MISS TITHINWITHER:
Good-evening, ladies and gentlemen of the radio audience -- and it is a great concession on my part to refer to you who listen to a broadcast describing the brutal sport of prize fighting as ladies and gentlemen. I come to you tonight representing the Society for the Prevention of Prize Fights and through my eyes and my words, I hope to make you realize what a dull, sordid, cruel, brutal and uninteresting affair a prize fight really is. I never saw one before, so you know I am not prejudiced.
The seventh inning is about to begin. Eh? Beg pardon? I am informed I should have said the seventh round!
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MISS TITHINWITHER:
That bell you just heard was a signal for those two hulking brutes to rush to the center of the stage and start pounding each other viciously. And that is just what they are doing. One has just knocked the other down, the horrid creature, but he seems to be getting up. The men are striking each other horribly. And not content with using their fists, I believe hidden knives have been brought into play. I just overheard a terrible person shout, "Uppercut him, Butch!" ... Isn't it disgusting?
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MISS TITHINWITHER:
There! It served him right. One man just knocked the other down again. I don't know just who it was, but it really doesn't matter. It's dreadfully dull, really. How any one could have any interest in this sort of thing, when there are symphony concerts, talks on the care of babies, and other cultural attractions, is beyond me.
I beg pardon? Oh, yes. About this brutal exhibition. One of the men is lying on the floor and the umpire is counting over him. I can't tell you who it is because I don't know one from another. Eh? Oh, yes. I have been asked to tell you that Butch Malarkey is wearing blue ... uh ... trousers ... and the ... other person, Mr. Wildflower McGurk is wearing green ... uh ... trousers. I'm not sure which one is lying down because I happen to be a bit color-blind. But it doesn't matter. He is getting up and again the two brutes are belaboring each other.
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MISS TITHINWITHER:
Splendid! Splendid! The man who was lying on the floor has just knocked the other man down! I understand it's Mr. Malarkey! Ah ... Mr. Malarkey hit him again! Bravo, Mr. Malarkey! I must admit Mr. Malarkey is much the more cultured of the two ... in appearance, I mean!
Now they are both on their feet and exchanging blows. I must admit, they show a certain courage! Ah ... I believe they want to be friends! They have their arms around each other! Oh, that other person on the platform has separated them and they are striking each other again.
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MISS TITHINWITHER:
Sit down in front! ... I can't see! Splendid, Mr. Malarkey! Splendid! Much as I am opposed to prize fights, I cannot help but admire the rugged courage of Mr. Malarkey. Oh, excellent! Mr. Malarkey just knocked Mr. McGurk to the floor with a resounding blow on the old schnozzle! (shouts) Sit on him, Mr. Malarkey ... sit on him! Don't let him get up! Ahh ... he is getting up. Down in front! Ahhh ... now they're in the center of the ring. It's a great fight, folks, a great fight. They're trading long, rapier-like lefts ... I mean rights. Oh dear ... where have I heard that before! It's terrible ... terrible ... I can't see a thing for that big man in front of me! Sit down -- what do you think you are ... cellophane?
Oh just look at them. Butch just biffed him a good one. Ah ... just as I thought. Wildflower McGurk is a brute. The man next to me said he is given to striking rabbits ... he's a rabbit puncher the man said.
Come on, Butch ... come on, Butch! ... Get in there, boy ... that's it! ... Biff! Bang! Biff! He's hitting him ... he's winning! ... Our Butch is winning, folks ... he's hitting the Wildflower with everything but the water-bucket! Get in there and fight, you big palooka ... get in there and fight!
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RECORD UP FORTE
MISS TITHINWITHER:
YAY! The Wildflower is flat on his face! The umpire is counting over him! Six-seven--eight--nine-ten! WHOOPEE! Butch Malarkey wins!
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