ANNOUNCER:

It starts with D and ends with T -- that's Dreft, Procter & Gamble's sudsing miracle, two thousand years newer than soap!

MUSIC:

FANFARE

ANNOUNCER:

Dreft brings you "The Life of Riley"!

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Dreft -- D-R-E-F-T! Dreft -- America's largest-selling brand for washing silks, nylons, woolens, dishes -- presents "The Life of Riley," with William Bendix as Riley.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE, WHISTLING

MUSIC:

THEME FOR INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Chester A. Riley prides himself on being not only a model father, but also a model son, a fact which is recognized by his neighbors in the community. Right now, our model son is talking to Mr. Hobart Morris, one of the leading lights of the neighborhood community council.

SOUND:

HOBART AND RILEY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK, IN BG

HOBART:

Oh, come come, Riley, we won't take no for an answer. When Jim Gillis nominated you, the council agreed unanimously that you were the logical choice for our Mother's Day celebration.

RILEY:

Thanks, Hobart, but I ain't worthy of the honor.

HOBART:

Nonsense. In appointing you and your sweet old mother the typical American mother and son, our committee--

RILEY:

But, Hobart, I really ain't worthy of such an honor.

HOBART:

Oh, you're much too modest. Now, the ceremonies will take place in Roosevelt Park. You make a brief address in tribute to all mothers, after which--

RILEY: But, Hobe, believe me, I don't deserve such an honor -- honest.

HOBART:

Well, if that's your final word, I guess we'll just have to find another--

RILEY:

You couldn't have picked a better man! I accept! ...

HOBART:

That's the spirit, Riley, and I'm sure you'll make a bang-up speech.

RILEY:

Well, I ain't no speech maker, Hobe, but I'll just say what I feel about mothers. Fer instance, did you ever stop to think what it would be like if there were no mothers in this world? ... What would happen to all the babies that are born? ...

HOBART:

Well, I wouldn't quite approach it from that angle.

RILEY:

Oh. Well, maybe you're right. That's a little too deep for the masses, huh? I know what! I'll tell 'em how in our family the boys were brought up to respect their mothers.

HOBART:

That's right -- and give your own son Junior as an example.

RILEY:

Oh, my Junior's crazy about his mother. He worships her. Why, anything his mother wants, I can force him to do. ...

HOBART:

Fine, fine. Well, here's your house, Riley. Gillis and I will get in touch with you before Sunday about the details.

RILEY:

Oh, wait, Hobart -- come on in and say hello to the family.

HOBART:

Well, it's late. I--

RILEY:

Oh, come on. I like to show off the kind of brood I'm breedin'. ...

HOBART:

Well, just for a minute -- yes.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS ONTO WOODEN PORCH ... FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS THEY ENTER HOUSE

MUSIC:

SOLO PIANO, OFF ... SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE ... CONTINUES IN BG

HOBART:

Ah! You have a musician in the family.

RILEY:

(PROUD) That's my Junior. That kid's crawlin' with talent. I don't like to brag, Hobe, but give him another ten or fifteen years and he'll be a child prodigy. ...

SOUND:

INNER DOOR OPENS, PIANO GROWS LOUDER

RILEY:

Hiya, Junior!

MUSIC:

PIANO STOPS

JUNIOR:

Oh, hiya, Pop. Hello, Mr. Morris.

HOBART:

Hello, there, Junior. Don't stop playing.

RILEY:

Yeah, go on, son. What were you playin'?

JUNIOR:

Oh, it's just a song I wrote. My club's putting on a Gay Nineties show.

RILEY:

Well! What do you know? My own boy -- a songwriter.

HOBART:

Well, let's hear it, Junior.

JUNIOR:

Well, it's called "Dear Old Mother."

RILEY:

(PLEASED) "Dear Old Mother." What did I tell ya, Hobe? Did I bring him up right, huh?

JUNIOR:

Well, this song is a--

RILEY:

(IMPATIENT) Sing it, son, sing it.

JUNIOR:

Yeah, okay.

MUSIC:

THE TUNE IS AN 1890's-STYLE OLD-FASHIONED TEARJERKING BALLAD ... PIANO ACCOMPANIES JUNIOR--

JUNIOR:

(SINGS) Always help your dear old mother--

RILEY:

Ah, beautiful.

JUNIOR:

(SINGS) Always treat her kind and good--

RILEY:

Like I taught him, Hobe.

JUNIOR:

(SINGS) You must always hold the lantern,
While your mother's chopping wood. ...

MUSIC:

PIANO OUT

HOBART:

(UNHAPPY) Mmmmmm.

RILEY:

Junior! What kind of a song is that to be singin' about your mother?

JUNIOR:

Oh, it's just a comedy song. Well, listen to the second verse.

RILEY:

Well--

MUSIC:

PIANO ACCOMPANIES JUNIOR--

JUNIOR:

(SINGS) Don't forget your dear old mother--

RILEY:

Well, that's better.

JUNIOR:

(SINGS) She's so delicate and frail--

RILEY:

That's more like it, huh, Hobe?

HOBART:

Fine, fine.

JUNIOR:

(SINGS) She is thinking of you always
While she's serving time in jail. ...

MUSIC:

PIANO OUT

HOBART:

I'd, uh, better run along, Riley.

RILEY:

Now, wait, Hobe. Here, he don't mean that. Junior, I'm shocked. I'm speechless. It's bad enough you're makin' fun of your mother, but you're also draggin' in my wife. ...

JUNIOR:

But, Pop, it's a gag. It's just in fun.

RILEY:

Fun. I don't see any fun in my wife goin' to jail. I suppose you'll cook for me, huh? ...

HOBART:

I don't think the boy meant any disrespect, Riley.

RILEY:

Aw, ya got to pick them up on things like this, Hobe. Now listen, son, you want to write a song about mother, okay, but have a little respect. Now, if I was writin' a song about, uh-- Hey, that gives me an idea, Hobe. I'm gonna write a song for the park ceremony.

HOBART:

(UNEASY) Well, can you write songs?

RILEY:

Can I write songs? I'll write a song about mother and when I sing it, you'll go crazy! ...

HOBART:

(DISMAYED) Oh. You sing, too?

RILEY:

Oh, sure! Everybody says I got a great voice! Why, when I open my mouth, Lauritz Melchior comes out. ...

HOBART:

Well, we'll discuss the idea with the committee. Now I'd better be--

PEG:

(APPROACHES) Why, hello, Mr. Morris!

HOBART: Oh, good evening, Mrs. Riley.

PEG:

Riley, I didn't hear you come in. (CALLS) Mother Riley?! Chester's home!

MOTHER:

(OFF) I'll be in -- soon as I get these doughnuts off the stove!

RILEY:

(EXCITED) Oh, boy! Is my mother makin' some of her doughnuts?! Wait'll you taste 'em, Hobe, they're terrific! I remember when I was a kid, I just couldn't get enough of them! Boy, they were supper!

JUNIOR:

Er, not supper, Pop. Super.

RILEY:

Junior, we was very poor and many's the time they were supper. ...

JUNIOR:

(LAUGHS)

MOTHER:

(APPROACHES) Ah, you're just in time, Chester. Oh, good evening, Mr. Morris.

HOBART:

Hello, Mrs. Riley.

MOTHER:

I just made a fresh batch of doughnuts. Help yourselves.

RILEY:

Oh, boy, I could eat ten dozen of 'em! Go on, Hobe, dig in!

HOBART:

Well, thank you. They look delicious.

RILEY:

Oh, they're wonderful! Mom, when I make that speech on Mother's Day, I want to talk about your doughnuts.

PEG:

Speech? What speech, Riley?

RILEY:

Oh, that's right! I forgot to tell ya. Mom and me were picked to be-- Well, I'll tell you later. First, I got to eat some more doughnuts. Hobe's one ahead of me already.

HOBART:

Mmm, they're very tasty, indeed.

MOTHER:

Thank you.

RILEY:

I'm always tellin' Mom if I put her doughnuts on the market, I'd make a fortune and quit work.

MOTHER:

(CHUCKLES)

RILEY:

But, gee, I wish you'd make 'em more often, Mom.

MOTHER:

Why, I'll make another big batch right now.

RILEY:

(LAUGHS) I can eat eat 'em faster than she can make 'em! (SUDDENLY STERN) Junior! Put back that doughnut you just took.

JUNIOR:

Oh, but, Pop, I only took one. You've got a whole dozen.

RILEY:

I know, but I don't want to break the set. ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

RILEY:

Delicious, ain't they, Junior? This batch is even better than the first one.

JUNIOR:

Yeah, but I'm finished. Three's my limit.

RILEY:

Three?! (CHUCKLES) Why, I've only had two dozen and I ain't even scratched my surface. ... Oh, gee, they're goo--! (SUDDENLY STARTS CHOKING VIOLENTLY)

JUNIOR:

Hey, Pop, you're chokin'!

SOUND:

JUNIOR SLAPS RILEY ON THE BACK A FEW TIMES

RILEY:

(STOPS CHOKING, SLOWLY RECOVERS) Oh, thanks, Junior. For a minute I thought I'd have to do all the rest of my breathin' through the hole in that doughnut. ...

JUNIOR:

Hey, what's the matter, Pop? You stopped eating.

RILEY:

Well, just between us, Junior, this here last batch don't chew as easy as the first two batches. ...

JUNIOR:

Well, take another swig of coffee to wash that last one down, Pop.

RILEY:

I've had so much coffee now, every time I swallow a doughnut I can hear the splash. ...

JUNIOR:

Well, maybe Grandma won't mind if we don't eat 'em all.

RILEY:

Oh, yes, she will. Her feelings will get hurt. Your grandma gets very touchy when her family don't appreciate her cookin'. We gotta force some more.

JUNIOR:

Oh, gee, Pop, have a heart.

RILEY:

I know, but--

MOTHER:

(OFF) Chester?

RILEY:

(LOW, QUICK, TO JUNIOR) Grab a doughnut, make like we're still eatin' 'em. Go ahead.

MOTHER:

(CLOSER) Have you finished those doughnuts yet? Were they light enough, dear?

RILEY:

Light ain't the word. ... I mean, they're wonderful, Mom.

JUNIOR:

Why, yeah, we were just saying it's too bad they're all gone.

RILEY:

(LOW) Quiet, Junior.

MOTHER:

Well now, don't you worry. I'm makin' ya six dozen more right now. (MOVING OFF) And tomorrow I'll make you a big batch.

RILEY:

(ALARMED) Ohhhh, you mustn't! Forget it!

MOTHER:

(OFF) What?

RILEY:

(RECOVERS) I - I said, "Oh, you mustn't forget it!" ...

JUNIOR:

Gee, Pop, what are we going to do? If we don't eat 'em, we'll hurt Grandma's feelings.

RILEY:

Yeah, but what about my feelings? Look, Junior, it's a sin to throw away food, but we got to get rid of them somehow, so tomorrow you take some to school and give them away and I'll get rid of some at the plant, huh?

JUNIOR:

Say, that's a good idea. That way, we'll kill two birds with one stone.

RILEY:

You said it. But if we eat 'em, these stones will kill two birds. ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

JUNIOR:

Doughnuts! Get your fresh doughnuts here!

GILLIS:

Hello there, Junior.

JUNIOR:

Oh, hello, Mr. Gillis. Hey, you want some doughnuts? I'm sellin' 'em, two for five.

GILLIS:

Sellin' 'em, huh? Say, where's your old man? I seen him at lunch handin' out free doughnuts. Then he disappeared.

JUNIOR:

Pop's home in bed.

GILLIS:

In bed durin' daylight? ... What's wrong with him?

JUNIOR:

Well, he's just, er, resting. He doesn't want me talking about it. Will you buy some doughnuts, Mr. Gillis? Pop won't like it if I bring any home.

GILLIS:

Oh, he's in on this deal, huh? Tell me, Junior, is there much profit in doughnuts?

JUNIOR:

Oh, it's all profits. Grandma makes 'em free for us. Gee, she's standing at that stove night and day.

GILLIS:

Oh ho! Very interestin'!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

HOBART'S VOICE ON FILTER

GILLIS:

Honest, Mr. Morris, I seen it with my own naked eye. Riley's got his kid peddlin' doughnuts and he says Riley'll beat him unless he sells out.

HOBART:

Are you certain about this, Gillis?

GILLIS:

Positive! No wonder Riley was goin' around the plant handin' out free samples: he's tryin' to make us all addicts! ...

HOBART:

But, Gillis, why should Riley do this?

GILLIS:

So's he can loaf home in bed, that's why -- while his poor old mother and kid are workin' for him!

HOBART:

I just can't believe that Riley would stoop-- Why, only yesterday I was at his house and he-- (REALIZES) By George, you're right, Gillis! I remember now I distinctly heard him say if he could put his mother's doughnuts on the market, he'd quit work.

GILLIS:

And this is the guy we picked to be the typical son on Mother's Day. (EXTRAVAGANTLY TEARFUL) When I think of his poor old gray-haired mama-- (SNIFFLES) --slavin' like that I - I - I-- (BLOWS HIS NOSE)

HOBART:

Easy. ... Easy, Gillis. I'll call a council meeting right away and you get right over here.

GILLIS:

Okay. I'll drive over just as soon as my mother gets finished washin' my car. ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

PEG:

Can you sit up in bed now, Riley?

RILEY:

Yeah, Peg. Tomorrow I'll be back at work, I wish I could say the same for my stomach.

PEG:

Now tell me exactly what happened, dear.

RILEY:

The last I remember, I gave Gillis some of them doughnuts and I was watchin' him eat 'em.

PEG:

And you passed out?

RILEY:

Not right away. First, I seen big spots in front of my eyes -- and all the spots had holes in them. ... And then I passed out. Please, Dumplin', can't you stop my mother from makin' any more doughnuts?

PEG:

Well, I can't. She'd think I was jealous of her bakin'.

RILEY:

Well, I could stop her, but who wants to handcuff his own mother? ...

MOTHER:

(OFF) Oh, Chester darling--?

RILEY:

(GROANS)

PEG:

(SWEETLY) Come in, Mother Riley.

MOTHER:

Oh, don't you feel well, son?

RILEY:

Aw, don't worry about me, Ma. Sit down a minute; we'll chew the fat. I mean, er-- We'll talk. ...

MOTHER:

Oh, poor boy, you look pale. I'll bet you're hungry. I'll go get you some--

RILEY:

No, no! Please. ... (DESPERATE) Mom, you're on a vacation! Forget about cookin' while you're here! Live and let live! ...

MOTHER:

But I love to cook for you, Chester.

RILEY:

I know, sweetheart. You're the best mother in the world. That's why the committee picked ya for tomorrow's celebration.

MOTHER:

You know, I still can't believe they'd pick a nobody like me. After all, I'm no better than all the other mothers.

RILEY:

Oh, yes, you are. You're different. That's why you had me for a son. ... Now promise me you won't make me any more doughnuts.

MOTHER:

Always thinkin' of your own mother.

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES WARMLY)

MOTHER:

Well, all right, darling. I promise not to make you any more until you say the word.

RILEY:

Ah, thanks, Ma. And if I say the word, ignore it. ...

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS, RECEIVER UP ... HOBART'S VOICE ON FILTER

RILEY:

Hello?

HOBART:

(VERY GRIM) Riley, this is Hobart Morris.

RILEY:

Oh?

HOBART:

We want you to come to a meeting of the Mother's Day committee right away.

RILEY:

Now?

HOBART:

Yes! It's important.

RILEY:

But I'm in bed.

HOBART:

I know. But you'd better be down here. We'll wait for you.

RILEY:

Well, what's the rush, Hobe? Some kind of emergency?

HOBART:

What would you call it when a member of the Mother's Day committee starts kicking his poor old mother around and--?

RILEY:

(OUTRAGED) What?! Don't say any more, Hobe! I'll be there!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

RILEY:

I gotta go out. Where's my hat? Oh, here it is. Goodbye.

PEG:

Uh, dear -- you better take off those pajamas first.

RILEY:

Huh? Oh. Yeah.

MOTHER:

Oh, Chester, you're not well enough to go out.

RILEY:

I gotta go, Mom! A terrible situation! Some weasel on the committee's been mean to his poor old mother!

MOTHER:

Oh, what an outrage. What are they going to do to him, Chester?

RILEY:

Don't worry! They'll do plenty to that snake! And to show you what the committee thinks of me, they won't start till I get there! ...

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Dreft will bring you the second act of "The Life of Riley" in a moment. Meantime, this is Ken Carpenter. Say, folks all over the country, from the Rileys here in California to the Joneses in Maine, are joining the march to Dreft.

MUSIC:

SNARE DRUM FANFARE ... THEN IN BG

VOICE:

(RHYTHMIC)
Dreft! Dreft!
Dreft your dishes and, oh, how they shine!
Shine without wiping in half of the time.
And look bright!
Right!
So don't you get left, get Dreft!

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, Dreft gets dishes so clean, they shine even without wiping. Dreft, Procter & Gamble's sudsing miracle, gives even your nicest glassware that company sparkle -- towel or no towel. Now, that's the miracle of Dreft -- for all soaps leave cloudy streaks on dishes. Dreft suds rinse clean and clear. Dishes sparkle like jewels. And you'll be delighted the way Dreft gets rid of dishpan grease. It seems to vanish like magic. Dreft's kind to hands, too. Dreft contains no harsh alkali that can redden hands. So, ladies, first thing Monday, ask for Dreft. It's backed by the Procter & Gamble name on every package. Sure, don't get left, get Dreft.

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to "The Life of Riley," with William Bendix as Riley.

MUSIC:

THEME FOR INTRODUCTION ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Right now, Riley -- blissfully unaware that he's on the spot -- is hurrying to an emergency meeting at Hobart Morris's house where a stony-faced Mother's Day committee grimly awaits his arrival.

SOUND:

COMMITTEE MURMURS GRIMLY ... DOORBELL BUZZES

GILLIS:

(PORTENTOUS) That's him, Mr. Morris.

HOBART:

(THE SAME) All right, let him in, Gillis.

GILLIS:

Okay.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

RILEY:

(ENERGETIC) Hiya, Gillis old pal! Hiya, Hobe! Hiya, fellas! Well, where's this beast who's been shovin' his poor old mother around? Point him out to me! I'll tell him a thing or two and then I'll throw him out bodily! What a monster! A member of the Mother's Day committee! Who is he, fellas?! Tell me his name! Don't shield him! Who's the skunk?! (REALIZES, FALTERS) Who's the skunk? Who's--? ... (WEAKLY) What's the matter, fellas? Why are you lookin' at me like that? ... Don't look at me like that, fellas. You know me -- Riley. Riley! Everybody's pal. Good old Ri-- (BEAT, LOW, DESPERATE) I didn't do it. (TEARFUL) I didn't do it, fellas. I tell ya, I didn't do it. ... (INCREASINGLY HYSTERICAL) You've gotta believe me! You believe me, don't ya, Hobe? I-- Tommy?! Bill?! Gillis?! (BEAT, AGITATED) Gillis, stop flippin' that coin in the air! ... I didn't do it, I tell ya! I didn't do it! (BEAT, HELPLESSLY) What did I do? ...

GILLIS:

You know what you done! Forcin' your poor weak old mother to bake doughnuts -- so's you can sell 'em for a profit! Why, it's-- It's child labor! ...

RILEY:

No. No, I never did a thing like that. Honest, I--

HOBART:

We have the evidence, Riley. It's one of the most shocking and reprehensible acts I have ever heard of.

GILLIS:

On Mother's Day yet! We wanted to tell you to your face what we're going to say behind your back! Now get out!

HOBART:

Yes! Out! Out!

RILEY:

No, wait--! Now, wait, fellas! I'm innocent! I never been mean to my mother in my life! Not only ain't I makin' my mother bake for me, I even made her promise she wouldn't! Honest!

GILLIS:

(SKEPTICAL) Hah! A likely story. ...

RILEY:

Fellas-- Fellas, please be fair. Listen, send the committee over to my house. Ask my mother. Search the house. And if you find a single doughnut there, I'll--! (WEAKLY) I'll eat it. ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

PEG:

Well, there's the kitchen, all tidy. Now, let's go see that movie, Mother Riley.

MOTHER:

I'm ready, Peg dear.

JUNIOR:

(APPROACHES) Hey, Mom, I smell more doughnuts. (REPROVING) Oh, Grandma, you promised Pop.

PEG:

Now, Grandma didn't make these for your father. She's donatin' 'em to the Ladies' Aid. We're gonna have a refreshment booth at the Mother's Day celebration and I'll sell 'em for charity.

JUNIOR:

Ohhhh. Well, gee, ya sure made a heap of 'em, Grandma.

MOTHER:

Not so many -- only forty dozen. ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... STEPS IN ... FRONT DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--

RILEY:

Okay, fellows, now I'll show you there's no doughnuts in this house! I'll prove I'm innocent!

GILLIS:

(SUSPICIOUS) I detect an odor. Hobe, do you detect an odor?

HOBART:

(SNIFFS) You're right, Gillis. I definitely smell something.

RILEY:

Honest, fellas, that's me. ... I got a dough-nutty smell on my clothes. Now, just take a look in that kitchen there and you'll see for yourselves.

SOUND:

RILEY OPENS KITCHEN DOOR

RILEY: There! You see how wrong-- (ABRUPTLY HEMS AND HAWS)

SOUND:

RILEY SLAMS KITCHEN DOOR SHUT

RILEY:

Wrong house. ...

GILLIS:

Get away from that door, Riley!

RILEY:

No, wait, Gillis--

SOUND:

GILLIS OPENS KITCHEN DOOR

RILEY: (GROANS IN DISMAY)

GILLIS:

Look at them doughnuts, Morris. Millions of 'em! ...

HOBART:

Piled to the roof!

RILEY:

(STAMMERS) It can't be! Some of the family must have moved in while I was out. I swear, I--!

JUNIOR:

(APPROACHES) Hello, Pop! Hiya, Mr. Morris.

RILEY:

Junior, what are all these doughnuts doin' here?

JUNIOR:

Well, Grandma made 'em, and Mom's gonna sell 'em.

GILLIS:

Now he's got his wife workin' for him! ...

RILEY:

Please, fellas, listen to me--!

HOBART:

That's all, Riley -- you're through! (WITH DISGUST) Come on, Gillis, let's get out of this - this factory.

SOUND:

HOBART AND GILLIS' STEPS AWAY

RILEY:

But wait!

SOUND:

DOOR SHUTS AS HOBART AND GILLIS EXIT

RILEY:

(BEAT, QUIETLY) What a revoltin' development this is.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

PEG:

But, Riley, you're innocent! You've got to go to the park. Oh, come on, they'll be startin' soon and--

RILEY:

I told ya I ain't goin'. My head is made up. ...

PEG:

You're so stubborn.

MOTHER:

He's the stubbornest thing I ever saw, Peg. Even when he was a baby, he kept suckin' his thumb and just wouldn't take it out of his mouth. He was fourteen years old before I was sure he had five fingers. ...

PEG:

Now, listen, Riley--

RILEY:

It's no use, Peg. Now, please leave me alone. I'm goin' for a walk.

PEG:

Riley, wait!

SOUND:

RILEY'S STEPS THROUGH DOOR, WHICH SHUTS, THEN ONTO SIDEWALK

RILEY:

(TO HIMSELF) I won't go. They can't make me. No one can make me go to a place where I don't want to go.

DIGGER:

I wouldn't be too sure of that. ...

RILEY:

Who's that?

DIGGER:

It is I -- Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker! ...

RILEY:

Oh, Digger. I - I didn't hear you walkin' behind me.

DIGGER:

Most people don't. ... Greetings, Riley. You're looking fine -- very natural.

RILEY:

Well, I don't feel fine, Digger. Everybody hates me. I'm a sociable outcast. ...

DIGGER:

Nonsense. I heard the community council selected you as the typical son.

RILEY:

Yeah, but now they've changed it to the typical bum. ... They threw me out.

DIGGER:

Oh, I know how you feel. I was once kicked out of the U.E.P.G.C.

RILEY:

"U.E.P.G.C."?

DIGGER:

Yes, the Undertakers, Embalmers, and Pallbearers Glee Club. ... Each year we gave a concert.

RILEY:

Did you have a big audience?

DIGGER:

Oh, yes, indeed. We packed the people in. ... I sang tenor.

RILEY:

I didn't know you were a singer, Digger.

DIGGER:

I was known as "O'Dell, the Merry Meadowlark." (WHISTLES, THREE DESCENDING TRILLS, ENDING ON AN OMINOUS LOW NOTE) ... Meadowlark. ...

RILEY:

You were good, huh?

DIGGER:

Good? I have a news clipping at home about my last appearance.

RILEY:

Uh huh.

DIGGER:

It says, quote, "When Digby O'Dell sang, people were carried away." ... I'd still be in the glee club if I hadn't sung a song that my colleagues considered inappropriate.

RILEY:

What song was that?

DIGGER:

(SINGS, WITH GUSTO BUT NOT TOO WELL) "I love life and I want to live!" ... Come, come, Riley. Cheer up.

RILEY:

Ah, but they're so unfair. They said I made my mother go to work so's I could loaf, and they won't believe me no matter what I say. Did you ever talk to people who just won't budge?

DIGGER:

I never talk while I work. ...

RILEY:

If they'd only listen to me.

DIGGER:

Make them listen! Go to the park! Demand a hearing! Don't be like most of the people I come in contact with -- stand up. ...

RILEY:

You're right, Digger! I'll go there now and clear myself!

DIGGER:

Bravo. Remember, we're living in a democracy. Every man is entitled to freedom of speech. Every man is entitled to a fair trial. Every man is entitled to a place on this earth. Oops, that reminds me, I have an appointment. ... Well, cheerio! I'd better be - shoveling off. ... [APPLAUSE FOR DIGGER]

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN A BAND PLAYS AN UPBEAT TUNE FOR THE MOTHER'S DAY CELEBRATION IN THE PARK ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

SOUND:

BUZZ OF CROWD ... THEN IN BG

PEG:

Oh, my! The park's crowded. Everybody's turned out.

MOTHER:

Chester, do you see Mr. Morris anywhere?

RILEY:

(NERVOUS) No, I - I--

PEG:

There he is -- on the platform. Now go on up to him, Riley.

RILEY:

(RELUCTANT) Now - now, wait, I - I--

PEG:

Oh, make him go, Mother Riley.

MOTHER:

(TO RILEY) Go on or I'll let you have one in the snoot. ...

MUSIC:

BAND PLAYS A BRIEF FANFARE

RILEY:

I - I can't now. Morris is gonna make a speech.

HOBART:

(A SPEECH) Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in the program we were to hear a Mother's Day tribute delivered by a certain individual who will not appear on this platform today. But I'd like to tell you something about this man. He is--

RILEY:

(DEFIANT) I am not!

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS SURPRISE AND CONFUSION

RILEY:

Let me up there! Let me up on that platform! I got somethin' to say!

HOBART:

Get off this platform, Riley, or I'll have you arrested.

RILEY:

(HELPLESSLY) But I-- Well, I-- I just-- (CALLS) Maaaaaaaa! ...

MOTHER:

(OFF) Let him talk! Let my boy talk!

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS AGREEMENT ("Yeah, let him talk!" ET CETERA)

HOBART:

Oh, very well, Riley.

RILEY:

Listen, folks, the committee's goin' around sayin' I was mean to my mother. Believe me, it ain't true. Why, I love my mother. I not only love my mother, but I love all mothers. Not only the ones who are old and gray, but also the ones who are young and beautiful. ... I mean, I love all mothers. Honest, I'm tellin' the truth. I'll prove it to ya. I wrote a song about my mother. Just listen to this song and ask yourself if the man who wrote this song could be mean to his mother. Hand me a piano. ...

HOBART:

Now, just a minute, Riley. This has gone far enough. I--

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS ENCOURAGEMENT ("Let him sing!" ET CETERA)

HOBART:

(RESIGNED) Go on. Sing. They deserve it. ...

MUSIC:

PIANO ACCOMPANIES RILEY--

RILEY:

(SINGS)
Mother, dear old mother,
You've been just like a father to me. ...
Whenever you spanked me, you gave me a chance
To slip a geography book in my pants. ...
Mother, dear old mother,
You're the peach on our family tree.
When I was first born I was homely and red,
But you didn't blame me, you blamed Papa instead. ...
Mother, you've been a brotherrrrrrr to meeeee!

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

HOBART:

Well, Riley, I'm afraid I owe you an apology.

RILEY:

Oh, that song of mine convinced you, huh?

HOBART:

Well, not exactly. While you were singing, your mother here explained everything.

RILEY:

Oh.

MOTHER:

Yes, Chester. Now calm down. Everything's jake.

RILEY:

Oh, gee, I'm so happy. Gimme a kiss, Mom.

MOTHER:

Ah, ya big baby. (CHUCKLES) Ah, Chester darlin', this is the proudest day of my life -- because you're my son.

RILEY:

Thanks, Mom. But if it was up to me, I'd like to see you twice as happy. Gee, I wish I'd been born twins!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

The Rileys will be back in a moment. But first a word about the world's finest care for nice washables. Yes, I mean Dreft. Dreft your sheer nylons after every wearing and they'll look lovelier and wear longer. Dreft your woolens, too. Dreft washes new woolens softer and fluffier than even expensive soap flakes. And with Dreft, pretty lingerie colors stay bright and sparkling far longer than with any soap. You see, Dreft leaves no dulling soap film in fabrics the way all soaps do. Dreft suds rinse clear. Yes, Dreft gives you brighter, fresher, safer cleaning than any previous suds in history. No wonder Dreft is America's largest selling brand for fine washables and dishes. Get Dreft in the bright green package. Don't get left, get Dreft.

MUSIC:

THEME FOR TAG

MOTHER:

Honest, Chester, I'll never forget this Mother's Day.

RILEY:

Neither will I, Mom.

MOTHER:

And this necklace you gave me -- it's so beautiful.

RILEY:

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

MOTHER:

Ah, thanks, darlin'. But it must have cost you a fortune! Where did you get the money?

RILEY:

I sold our kitchen stove! ...

MUSIC:

THEME FOR TAG ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Procter & Gamble, makers of Dreft -- the sudsing miracle for silks, nylons, woolens, dishes -- invites you to be our guest next week to hear "The Life of Riley" with William Bendix as Riley. "The Life of Riley" is produced by Irving Brecher and is directed by Don Bernard. Music by Lou Coslow; the script by Alan Lipscott and Reuben Ship. Mrs. Riley is Paula Winslowe; Digger O'Dell is John Brown; Junior is Tommy Cook; Hobe Morris is Gale Gordon; and Riley's mother is Jane Morgan. This is Ken Carpenter inviting you to listen again next week to "The Life of Riley" and reminding you for faster, brighter, safer cleaning than any previous suds in history, use Dreft. Don't get left, get Dreft.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... UP TO FILL A PAUSE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Darling, you're radiant tonight.

WOMAN:

There's radiance in my hair.

ANNOUNCER:

And why is the radiance there? Prell -- P-R-E-L-L -- Procter & Gamble's new emerald-clear Radiant-Creme shampoo in the handy tube.

WOMAN:

Brand new! Amazing! Prell reveals a glamorous radiant beauty no soap or soap shampoo can match. And Prell leaves hair so easy to manage -- so soft and smooth -- glowing with a natural radiance.

ANNOUNCER:

Sensationally different, Prell removes unsightly dandruff in as little as three minutes, a fact proved by a group of doctors. Even stubborn dandruff was controlled by only two Prell shampoos a week.

WOMAN:

And the whole family cheers that handy Prell tube: easy to use; no spill, no waste. And a little makes mountains of lather.

ANNOUNCER:

Try the new Radiant-Creme shampoo -- Prell.

MUSIC:

FOR BOUNCY JINGLE--

WOMAN:

(SINGS) P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!
Leaves hair radiant, gleaming bright,
Not a bit of dandruff is in sight!
Comes in a tube; handy, too!
P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, try Prell!

MUSIC:

THEME ... FILLS PAUSE ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE BRIEFLY

ANNOUNCER:

Listen again next week when Dreft -- the sudsing miracle for silks, nylons, woolens, dishes -- brings you the "The Life of Riley." Good night!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE BRIEFLY

MUSIC:

THEME UP ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

NBC ANNCR:

This NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES