SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP ... DADDY'S VOICE ON FILTER

JOHN:

Uh, hello?

DADDY:

John?

JOHN:

Hello, daddy. When are you coming down?

DADDY:

As soon as I put the little angel to bed, John.

JOHN:

Snooks isn't sick, is she?

DADDY:

Far from it, old boy, but I can't take a chance on her getting out tonight. Too close to Halloween.

JOHN:

Well, as soon as she's asleep, hop down here, will you, daddy?

DADDY:

You bet I will, John. So long.

JOHN:

Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

JOHN:

(TO HIMSELF) Well, I imagine she could do a bit of dirty work if she got out at that.

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

DADDY:

All right, Snooks, take your clothes off and get into bed.

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

I don't want you on the street tonight. It's Halloween and you're bound to cause some trouble.

SNOOKS:

All the other kids are on the street.

DADDY:

Well, you're staying home, so get undressed.

SNOOKS:

(CRIES A LITTLE) I wanna go out. (CRIES WILDLY) I wanna go out! ...

DADDY:

Snooks! Under no circumstances will I let you out of this house tonight.

SNOOKS:

Well, what will I do with my funny mask?

DADDY:

You can wear it tomorrow night.

SNOOKS:

(BEAT, WOUNDED) I'm wearin' it now, daddy. ...

DADDY:

Oh. Well, take it off and go to bed. Tomorrow we'll duck for apples and play "pin the tail on the donkey."

SNOOKS:

Can we knock out some of Robespierre's teeth? ...

DADDY:

What for?

SNOOKS:

I want to make him look like a punkin! ...

DADDY:

What a savage idea.

SNOOKS:

No good?

DADDY:

I can't imagine where you get those cannibalistic instincts.

SNOOKS:

(MATTER-OF-FACT) I'm a witch, daddy. ...

DADDY:

Well, you certainly look like one with that hideous mask.

SNOOKS:

What mask? ...

DADDY:

The one you're wearing!

SNOOKS:

I took it off, daddy! ...

DADDY:

Oh. Well, put it on and we'll play some Halloween games.

SNOOKS:

Yeah. (LAUGHS) Let's build a bonfire in the living room! ...

DADDY:

No bonfires.

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

Why? You don't want to burn the house down, do you?

SNOOKS:

(YES, SHARPLY) Uh-huh. ...

DADDY:

Now don't be silly. Look, we'll play a nice quiet game like, er-- Like "Forty Winks."

SNOOKS:

(EAGERLY) How do you play it?

DADDY:

Well, it's very simple. I close my eyes and count very slowly.

SNOOKS:

Uh huh?

DADDY:

Then you see how quick you can take your clothes off and get into bed.

SNOOKS:

And then you turn out the light and - and lock the door?

DADDY:

That's it! Sounds like a wonderful game, doesn't it?

SNOOKS:

Yeah.

DADDY:

Swell. Shall I start counting?

SNOOKS:

(FLAT) No. ...

DADDY:

Why not?

SNOOKS:

You start undressing and I'll start counting!

DADDY:

All right, never mind. I've got another game. We'll play "Witches and Goblins."

SNOOKS:

Can I be the goblin?

DADDY:

Yes.

SNOOKS:

And can mommy be the witch?

DADDY:

No.

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

We don't want it too realistic. ... I'll be the witch and you can be the goblin.

SNOOKS:

Is a goblin a little sailor?

DADDY:

No, no.

SNOOKS:

No?

DADDY:

It's a malicious gnome who's supposed to appear on Halloween and cause damage.

SNOOKS:

Does he really, daddy?

DADDY:

Oh, of course not. It's only a superstition. Like believing that black cats are unlucky.

SNOOKS:

Mommy says it's unlucky to get married on a Friday.

DADDY:

Well, she's right.

SNOOKS:

She's right?

DADDY:

Although why should Friday be an exception? ... Come on now. We're going to play "Witches and Goblins." Now if you're the goblin, you must get undressed and get into bed.

SNOOKS:

Mm hm.

DADDY:

And I make believe I'm a witch and put out the light and lock the door.

SNOOKS:

(NOT FOOLED A BIT) It's just like "Forty Winks," ain't it, daddy? ...

DADDY:

(INNOCENTLY) Why, yes, it's rather similar.

SNOOKS:

(EARNEST) You think I'm a dope, don't you, daddy? ...

DADDY:

What do you mean?

SNOOKS:

I want to go out.

DADDY:

Snooks!

SNOOKS:

(CRIES WILDLY) I want to go out! ...

DADDY:

Ohhh-- Look, I tell you what. We'll both go out, but instead of doing anything wrong or playing jokes on unsuspecting people, we'll have a different kind of Halloween.

SNOOKS:

Yeah?

DADDY:

Yes. If we see any damage anywhere, we'll fix it. (ENTHUSIASTIC) Ha ha! How's that?

SNOOKS:

(FLAT) Ha ha. No good. ...

DADDY:

Then you can't go out -- and that's final.

SNOOKS:

(RESIGNED) All right, daddy, I'll be good.

DADDY:

All right. Well, get your coat on. And you can put on your funny mask if you like.

SNOOKS:

Huh?

DADDY:

I said you can put on your mask.

SNOOKS:

(BEAT) I got it on. ...

DADDY:

Oh. I'll have to wear my glasses. Come on!

SNOOKS:

I'm comin', daddy.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS BABY SNOOKS AND DADDY HIT THE STREET LOOKING FOR TROUBLE

DADDY:

Now, Snooks, you keep a sharp lookout and if you see any kids molesting people's property, remember, we fix it.

SNOOKS:

Yes, daddy. (BEAT) Daddy?!

DADDY:

Yes?

SNOOKS:

Somebody took that iron gate off the hinges!

DADDY:

(SLOWLY, WITH DISGUST) Those vandals.

SNOOKS:

(THOUGHTFUL) Hmm.

DADDY:

Let's hang it back again. Help me lift it!

SNOOKS:

All right. Now be careful, daddy.

DADDY:

(GRUNTS WITH GREAT STRAIN)

SOUND:

HEAVY IRON GATE LIFTED AND MOVED TO HINGES

DADDY:

(WITH EFFORT) I've got it on. Now you'll have to lock it into those hinges while I hold it. Make it snappy; it's heavy.

SNOOKS:

How shall I do it?

DADDY:

(WITH EFFORT) Smack it on the bottom.

SNOOKS:

Shall I make believe I'm you and the gate is me? ...

DADDY:

Huh?

SNOOKS:

You always smack me on the--

DADDY:

(INTERRUPTS) Snooks! ... Don't stall now. This gate weighs a ton. Kick it in with your foot!

SNOOKS:

All right, daddy. Now hold it still.

SOUND:

SNOOKS KICKS DADDY IN THE SHIN

DADDY:

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) That was my leg! ... Hit it higher!

SNOOKS:

It's in, daddy. You can let go now.

DADDY:

(EXCLAIMS IN RELIEF AS HE LETS GO, GROANS)

SOUND:

GATE SWINGS ON HINGES

DADDY:

(EXHALES) There. Well, we've done somebody a good turn. Now, doesn't it make you feel fine?

SOUND:

HOUSE DOOR OPENS, OFF

LADY:

(OFF) Hey, you! Mister?!

SNOOKS:

The lady's calling you, daddy.

DADDY:

Oh, probably wants to thank me.

SNOOKS:

Yeah.

DADDY:

(TO LADY) Yes, madam?

LADY:

(OFF) Did you just hang that gate up?

DADDY:

I did, madam. Think nothing of it.

LADY:

(OFF, FURIOUS) Think nothing of it?! It took me two hours to get it down today! I'm sending it to be fixed!

DADDY:

Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I--

LADY:

(OFF) Well, just take it off again and let it alone!

SOUND:

HOUSE DOOR SLAMS! ...

SNOOKS:

(BEAT) It's a different kind of Halloween, ain't it, daddy? ...

DADDY:

(ANNOYED) Grab hold of that gate! Ready?

SOUND:

IRON GATE GRABBED

SNOOKS:

I'm ready.

DADDY:

All right, pull! (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

SNOOKS:

(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

SOUND:

IRON GATE LIFTED AND PLACED ON GROUND

DADDY:

(EXHALES) There. It's off.

OFFICER:

(WITH PLEASURE) So it is. ...

SNOOKS:

(VERY PLEASANT) Hello, Mr. Police Man.

OFFICER:

(THE SAME) Hello.

DADDY:

Oh. (CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Good evening, officer. We, er-- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) We were just removing the lady's gate.

OFFICER:

(SWEET) Yes, so I see. Having fun?

SNOOKS:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Yeah! ... This is the first time my daddy ever came out with me!

OFFICER:

Oh, he, er, likes to do these things, huh?

SNOOKS:

(YES) Uh huh.

DADDY:

Oh, now, now, just a minute, officer. The only reason I--

OFFICER:

(STERN) Look here -- just hang that gate back and beat it before I run you in. (MOVING OFF) And it better be up when I make my rounds again! Come on, get busy!

SNOOKS:

(BEAT) Shall we hang it up again, daddy? ...

DADDY:

(EXASPERATED) Oh, what else can we do? That cop'll only make trouble. Here, give me a hand.

SOUND:

IRON GATE LIFTED

DADDY:

(GRUNTS AND GROANS WITH EFFORT) Come on.

SOUND:

HOUSE DOOR OPENS, OFF

LADY:

(OFF, SAVAGE) I told you to let that gate alone!

SOUND:

IRON GATE DROPPED NOISILY

DADDY:

Oh! Nuts! Come on, Snooks. Let's get out of here.

SNOOKS:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Are we doin' a lot of good, daddy? ...

DADDY:

Now don't be sarcastic. Just because we happened to-- (STOPS SHORT, SEES SOMETHING) Oh, wait a minute.

SNOOKS:

What do you see?

DADDY:

At that fire alarm box. There's a kid turning in a false alarm.

SNOOKS:

I don't see nobody.

DADDY:

(CALLS, TO KID) Hey! Come back here! (TO SNOOKS) He's running away. Ah, he's already turned in the alarm.

SNOOKS:

How do you know?

DADDY:

Well, see? The glass is broken. Oh, that's a terrible kind of a joke. Those poor firemen will come all the way down here for nothing.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, APPROACH OF FIRE TRUCK WITH SIREN ... FIRE TRUCK PULLS TO A STOP BEHIND--

SNOOKS:

Here's a fire engine, daddy!

DADDY:

(DISMAYED) Ohhhh.

FIREMAN:

(APPROACHES, URGENT) Where's the fire?

DADDY:

There isn't any fire. ... Just a false alarm.

FIREMAN:

False alarm? Who turned it in?

DADDY:

Why, some kid did it. He ran around the corner before we could catch him. Didn't he, Snooks?

SNOOKS:

I didn't see nobody. ...

FIREMAN:

(SUSPICIOUS) Some kid, hey? You didn't do it, did you?

DADDY:

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Why would I turn in a--?

OFFICER:

(APPROACHES, INTERRUPTS) What's goin' on here?

FIREMAN:

False alarm, officer, and we found this guy and the kid at the box.

OFFICER:

(REALIZES) Hey! This is the same pair who've been takin' gates off of fences!

SNOOKS:

Let's go home, daddy.

OFFICER:

Wait a minute! I know this guy! He's wanted in Cleveland for arson!

DADDY:

Arson?

OFFICER:

Yeah! You're Firebug Willie!

DADDY:

You're insane! I'm not a firebug. Tell him who I am, Snooks.

SNOOKS:

(GLEEFUL) He's Firebug Willie!

DADDY:

Snooks! ... (DESPERATELY) She - she's just joking, officer. (TO SNOOKS, SWEETLY) Tell him the truth. Didn't you want to make a bonfire in the living room tonight?

SNOOKS:

(YES) Uh-huh.

DADDY:

And didn't I stop you from doing it?

SNOOKS:

Yeah, and you wanted to come out and play Halloween jokes?

DADDY:

There.

FIREMAN:

Hey, look! There's a blaze down the street! There is a fire! Let's go, boys!

OFFICER:

Yeah, wait for me!

SOUND:

SIREN WAILS, BELLS RING ... FIRE TRUCK ROARS OFF

SNOOKS:

It's a big fire, daddy.

DADDY:

(MEAN-SPIRITED) Aw, let it burn! Serves them right for wasting time arguing with me instead of going about their business.

SNOOKS:

(TROUBLED) Er, Daddy, is mommy and Robespierre at home?

DADDY:

No, they're over at Uncle Louie's.

SNOOKS:

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Then it's okay.

DADDY:

What's okay?

SNOOKS:

(MERRILY) It's our house that's burning!

DADDY:

(HORRIFIED) Ohhhhhh!

SNOOKS:

Good Halloween, ain't it? (LAUGHS HEARTILY)

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ...