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Series: Lum and Abner
Show: Mary and the Kettle
Date: Aug 24 1943

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

Lum:

By Grannys, Abner, I b'lieve that's our ring.

Abner:

Ah doggies, Lum, I b'lieve yore right.

Lum:

I'll see.

SFX:

PHONE PICK UP

LUM:

Hello, Jot-Em-Down Store. This is Lum 'n' Abner.

Music:

organ swells (approx 8 seconds)

Anncr:

And now, let's see what's going on down in Pine Ridge. Well, Town Marshal Uncle Henry Lunsford's oak poisoning is considerably improved by now, but not his disposition. He's back on the job as Mary's probation officer zealously trying to get something on Mary that will warrant sending her back to the reformatory. As we look in on the little community today we find Lum 'n' Abner in their Jot-Em-Down Store and Library. Lum is answering the telephone:

Lum:

Jot-Em-Down Store and Library. Lum Edwards (Edards) talking. Oh, what is it, Uncle Henry?

Abner:

(muttered but clear) Uh oh, what does he want us to do now?

Lum:

Why, no, Mary aint here right now. What did you want to see her about?

Abner:

(muttered) (You'd) think we is his slaves, the way he 'as been actin' lately.

Lum:

She done what?!

Abner:

(muttering) Making a reg'lar Simons Magee outa hisself

Lum:

Why that's ridiculous. What makes you think it was Mary? (pause) Well that don't prove nuthin.

Abner:

(mutter mutter) ...some bloodhounds....

Lum:

Well, yeah, shore, I'll ask her about it. But I know yer mistaken.

Abner:

(mutter mutter unintelligibly?obviously disgusted and put out)

Lum:

Well, how's yore poison oak now? You all over it yet? Well, I'm proud to hear that. All right, I'll ask her. All right, Uncle Henry. Good-bye.
SFX: PHONE HANG-UP

Abner:

Lum, What's he accusin' Mary a doin' now?

Lum:

Oh that one-track-minded varmint.

Abner:

(in disgust...Aaagh)

Lum:

Miz Pomeroy re-ported to him that somebody had took a dozen lemons and a big cookin' kettle off of her back porch. So right away Uncle Henry is dead shore that Mary was the one that done it.

Abner:

(In great disgust) Fer the-e land sakes!

Lum:

The only proof he's got is that he seen her playin' over that dye-rection today.

Abner:

He's bound and deetermined he's gonna accuse her a somethin' so's he can send her back to that ree-form-a-tory What does he got agin her anyway? Why does he hate 'n dis-pize the youngun so much fer, Lum?

Lum:

Oh, it ain't that. He jist wants to show what a big importants pohliceman he is, that's all. Jist went to his head, I think.

Abner:

Sneaky old snoop. I b'lieve if we was to have a cyclone or a earthquake he'd accuse Mary a'startin' it!

Lum:

That's jist about what he'd try to do, all right.

Abner:

Doggies, I wish we would have a earthquake jist to see what....

Lum:

Abner, Abner, watch out what yer sayin'!

Abner:

Hunh?

Lum:

Don't tempt fate thataway.

Abner:

Huh...? (realizes what he's said) Ah. ... 'Scuse me, Fate, I's jist foolin'.

Lum:

Hmmm ? that's better.

Abner:

Yeah.

Lum:

After this be more careful 'bout what you go around wishin' fer. I ree-collect one time Emmett Goshen... Wait a minute. There comes Mary up out there.

Abner:

Oh!! Mary! Yeah.

Lum:

Now we'll find out the truth about this prittle prattle uv Uncle Henry's.

Abner:

Yeah. Say...what's that about Emmett Goshen?

Lum:

Oh, yeah, one day Emmett was out in his fiel' and he wuz dis-gusted somethin' wonderful cuz the grasshoppers'd ruined most of his crop. So he sez, "By Jiminy, I wish lightnin'd strike me!"

Abner:

Uh, oh!

Lum:

An' you know that two days later, lightnin' struck a tree over at the Barton Place.

Abner:

Well, I decl.......! Oh, was... was Emmett up in the tree?

Lum:

Well, no, but that jist shows how close you c'n come to them things.

Abner:

Huhhh.

SFX:

STORE BELL RINGS...

Lum:

Well, hello, Sis.

Mary:

(blurred) Hi, Lum.

Abner:

Well, whereabouts you bin, Mary?

Mary:

Oh, different places. Say, Uncle Abner, can I some of that cardboard and crayons you use to print signs with?

Abner:

I reckon so. What you want with 'em?

Mary:

Well, I want to print some signs.

Abner (laughing):

Whut kind a signs?

Mary:

Oh, just some reg'lar signs. I gotta hurry because I promised Kenny I'd meet him down at the corner.

Anber:

Oh.... Kenny Pomeroy, huh? (Laughing, joshing) I thought you wasn't goin' to have nuthin' to do with him no more cuz he's too young fer yuh.

Mary:

Well, he's getting' older every day....and....he's old fer his age too.

Abner (knowingly):

Uh huh...!

Lum:

Say, Sis, a'speakin' a Kenny Pomeroy. You was out by the Pomeroy place today, wuzn't you (pronounced "yuh")?

Mary:

The Pomeroy place...?

Lum:

Yeah.

Mary:

Well, umm.....What do you want to know that for?

Abner:

Well, Uncle Henry Lunsford said he seen you over that way this mornin'

Mary:

Oh....he did....

Abner:

Yeah!

Mary:

(brightly) Yeah, I think I was over there fer awhile..... me and Kenny was.

Lum:

Hmmmm Well do you know anything about a kettle and some lemons?

Mary:

Lemons?

Lum:

Yeah, lemons.

Mary:

Lemons... Ummmm...What color lemons?

Lum:

Wellll, I reckon jist the reg'lar color....yeller.

Abner:

Miz Pomeroy had a dozen of 'em on her back porch, and now they're gone!

Mary:

(vaguely) They're...gone, huhh?

Abner:

Yeah, plumb gone!

Mary:

Well... wonder where they coulda went to?

Lum:

Mary, You didn't have nothin' to do with that, did you?

Mary:

Did...Uncle Henry say I did?

Abner:

Why shore, anything that is missin' in this town he blames on you right away! You got to be awful careful what yuh do, Sis.

Mary:

Yessir.

Lum:

Now we know you never takin' that stuff, acourse, Sis, but we jist have to make sure yuh never had nuthin' to do with it.

Abner:

(heartily) Yeah!

Lum:

We don't want you to be a intercessory after the (SFX PHONE RINGS UNDER) facts or nuthin' like that.

Abner (with phone ringing insistently) No sir, we don't want you to....Huh??

Lum:

We can't take no chances as long as yer on probations, yuh know.

Mary:

(subdued) No, sir.

Abner:

Now, Lum, I b'lieve that's our ring there...

Lum: Go ahead and git it...Answer it.

Abner:

Oh...My turn?

Lum:

Yeah. You kin run along now, Sis, but jist keep outta trouble, cuz yuh can't afford to git in none right now.

SFX:

PHONE PICKUP

Abner:

Jot-Em-Down Store and Library. Abner Peabody doin' the talkin'. Huh? What proof? You shore about that, Uncle Henry?

Mary:

(Getting ready to bolt). Well, so long, Uncle Lum!

Lum:

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Sis! Hold on.

Abner:

Well, I'll take it up with Lum

Lum:

(to Mary) I want to talk with you some more

Abner:

All right, Uncle Henry. Humph! (hangs up)

Lum:

What'd he say?

Abner:

Why he claims that Miz Clayton seen Mary a'walkin' down the street with a kettle on her arm.

Lum:

Grannys. I wonder if he jist made that up?

Abner:

Well, he sez we kin call up Miz Clayton and ask her ourselves if we want to.

Lum:

How about that, Mary?

Mary:

Well, it's a funny thing, but I remember now that I was carrying a kettle around....I guess...

Abner:

Hmmmm.

Lum:

(pause)...Well, why didn't you come right out flatfooted and add-mit that when I first asked you about this?

Mary:

Well, I didn't know which kettle you wuz talkin' about... Yuh see....um...we jist found this one on a junk pile...You see, Kenny was the one that picked it up....

Lum:

Junk pile, huh?

Mary:

(agreeing) uhhunh...

Lum:

Whereabouts do you mean...the junkpile west of town there?

Mary:

No. This was just a little bitty old junk pile... It was sorta out in back of the Pomeroy place....

Lum:

Ohhhhh, I see.

Mary:

....not even on their lot .....way off....two or three feet at least....(brightening) Kenny picked it up!

Lum:

uhhuh....

Abner:

Well, wait a minute though...Miz Pomeroy said the kettle was settin' on the back porch, Lum.

Lum:

Yeah, How bout that, Sis?

Mary:

Well, it mighta been settin' there once...(winding down) but then it just...just...just mighta rolled away.! You know.. you know how things roll sometimes...

Lum:

Mighta rolled, huh?

Mary:

Uh, huh

Lum:

Reckon how a kettle'd ever git started rollin' in the first place?

Mary:

Well, maybe somebody mighta knocked it off the porch, sorta.....I think I mighta done that myself when I wasn't looking....I sling my arms around a lot, you know... You know, it's good exercise...

Abner:

Well, it musta been a pretty smart kettle to be able to roll clean from their porch clear out to that junk pile. Have to roll out through the barn 'n around them chicken coops. (Gives a loud laugh) There's about the smartest kettle I ever heered tell of (laughs vigorously)!

Mary:

Well, someboy coulda kicked it once in awhile....

Abner:

Somebody could of, huh?

Mary:

uh hunh... I aint sure, but it just seems like me 'n Kenny was kickin' a kettle er somethin' like that 'round the back yard there.

Abner:

Hmmm

Lum:

You aint sure, though?

Mary:

No, No,....but I think maybe that was it,....it was...but jist by accident, though, of course!

Abner:

(somewhat sarcastically) Oh, shore, jist by accident!

Mary:

You know how things get in yer way 'n you aint lookin' where yer goin' 'n you sorta kick 'em and, well, you know, you kick ' em, 'n they roll...w-e-l---l- jist by accident, you know... (trails off)

Abner:

Ah hah....

Mary:

Well, look, look (hastily) Here, Let's put some of these, these buckets on the floor and I'll show how you kick somethin' and you don't hardly know yore doin' it 'n...

Abner:

Now, now, we don't need no demonstrate, Sis. We understand the whole thing.

Mary:

ummmhummmm.....Kenny...He was the one that picked it up.

Lum:

Yeah you done told us that. An' all you done was jist knock it off the porch an kick it off their property 'n carry it away.

Mary:

Yeah, that's all.....Kenny picked it up!

Lum:

Ummmhmmmm.

Mary:

I didn't even have to tell him to... pick it up... at all...hardly.

Lum:

Well, whereabouts is the kettle now? That's the im-portants thing.

Mary:

Oh, I aint got it now! Kenny has it.

Lum:

Are you sure about that?

Mary:

Yes sir. Honest he has! He...he. Honest! True 'n cross my heart!

Lum:

Well, thank goodness he's got it!

Abner:

Yeah!

Lum:

That puts you in the clear then.

Abner:

Yeah, Miz Pomeroy aint gonna accuse her own youngun a-stealin' a kettle from her (laughing) I'm proud you let him take it, Sis!

Mary:

Yes sir (subdued)

Lum:

Now....what about the lemons?

Mary:

The lemons? (innocently)

Lum:

Yeah, the lemons.

Abner:

Yeah, did you sorta kick them around too fer awhile there till you got 'em shoved over onta the next lot?

Mary:

Oh..no, no....I didn't kick no lemons! No! Honest I didn't!

Lum:

Well, what did you do with 'em?

Mary:

I aint got no lemons.

Abner:

Did Kenny take them hisself?

Mary:

No, I know Kenny didn't take 'em.

Lum:

How do you know he never?

Mary:

Well, I never seen him take 'em....

Abner:

Well, you know, Lum Miz Pomeroy might be miz-taken about them lemons ? she mighta misplaced 'em er somepin herself, yuh know.

Lum:

Well, of course she might have...she is sorta absentminded that away.

Abner:

Why, shore she is. I know one time her and Lizabeth wuz 'sposed to fix the vittles fer the Wimmen's Club meetin' one day...an she just plumb fergot all about it...(Lum interrupts)

Lum:

Yeah, you told me about that oncet, Abner.

Abner:

Oh..

Lum:

Listen, Mary. I reckon you aint in no serious trouble over this, but from now on you got ta be way yonder more careful or you know where Uncle Henry'll send you to.

Mary:

Yes, sir....I'll be awful careful.

Lum:

I think we can square this up to where Miz Pomeroy'll tell Uncle Henry it was all a mis-take...But I think it wouldn't hurt ta punish yuh a little.

Mary:

Punish me...?

Lum:

Yeah. You never actual taken nuthin', an I'm proud of that, but we want to learn you that you cain't take other folks's property an kick it around like you did...mutilate it!

Mary:

Well, I won't do that again!

Lum:

Well, here's what we're a-gonna do: you're gonna take all the allowance money that you've saved up and buy Miz Pomeroy a brand new kettle with it.

Abner:

That's a good idee, Lum! That other'n must be might nigh bent all to pieces by now you... kickin' it around the way you did. Yeah, you better buy a new 'un, Sis!

Lum:

And if you aint gotta enough money saved up, you'll just have to take it out of your allowance for the next few weeks.

Mary:

Oh, well I won't have to do that 'cause I'm gonna be earnin' my own money now!

Abner:

Earnin' yer own money!!

Mary:

Uh, huh? Me an' Kenny are going into business.

Abner:

Hunh?

Mary:

That's what I wanted make some signs for...

Abner:

(suspiciously) What kind uh business you goin' in to!?

Mary:

We're openin' up a lemonade stand!

MUSIC:

Organ swells (10 seconds)