ANNOUNCER:

It's new, it's amazing, it's Prell -- P-R-E-L-L -- Prell Shampoo. Yes, Procter and Gamble's new Radiant-Creme Shampoo in the handy tube.

MUSIC:

FANFARE

ANNOUNCER:

Prell brings you THE LIFE OF RILEY.

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Prell -- the shampoo that removes unsightly dandruff, leaves hair radiantly lovely -- presents THE LIFE OF RILEY, with William Bendix as Riley.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Today we are privileged to observe a new phase in the life of Chester A. Riley. We see him as a political candidate. It seems he's running for the office of president of the freshman class at UCLA. ... Of course, it's really his daughter Babs who is the candidate, but to hear Riley talk, you'd never know it.

RILEY:

Now the way I figure this campaign, Peg, the first thing to do is size up my opponent, this Helene Bidwell.

PEG:

Oh, Riley, Helene Bidwell's not your opponent. This isn't your campaign and you're not runnin'. Babs is runnin', so please, stay out of it.

RILEY:

Stay out of it? You're forgettin' she's my daughter!

PEG:

Well, she's my daughter, too.

RILEY:

Well, okay, so I own fifty percent of her and I'm gettin' my fifty percent elected! ...

PEG:

But what do you know about politics?

RILEY:

What do I know about--? Didn't I work with B. L. Feeney in the last city election when he ran Anderson for mayor? Wasn't I his right hand man?

PEG:

Eh, it was a fine candidate you worked for. That Anderson -- a crook!

RILEY:

He was a great candidate!

PEG:

Well, then why didn't people vote for Anderson?

RILEY:

Because we had no money in our campaign fund. ... Anderson skipped town with it. ... But I learned plenty from Feeney, the big boss, and I got a campaign worked out for Babs--

PEG:

Now, she doesn't need your help. So please don't interfere. Now, Babs is smart and she's very popular and she'll win the election if you'll just leave her alone.

RILEY:

(THOUGHTFUL) Yeah. Well, maybe you're right. Babs has a good head on her shoulders. After all, she got her brains from me. ...

PEG:

(AMUSED) Ohhhh. I thought she got her looks from you.

RILEY:

Well, yeah. Them, too. ... Oh, she's a lucky girl.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

PEG:

Is that you, Babsie?

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... BABS' STEPS IN

BABS:

(WITH A SIGH) Hello, daddy. Hello, mother.

PEG:

Well, what's the matter, dear? Ya seem so upset.

BABS:

Oh, mother, I've as good as lost the election.

RILEY:

What do you mean you've lost the election?

BABS:

Oh, that Helene Bidwell. She got her father to help her.

RILEY:

Ah! Well, don't you worry, Babsie, your father'll help you!

BABS:

(EXHALES) But, daddy--

RILEY:

Anything Old Man Bidwell can do, I can do better! Just name it!

BABS:

He gave Helene one hundred dollars for campaign expenses. ...

RILEY:

(BEAT) Name somethin' else. ...

PEG:

A hundred dollars?

BABS:

Well, he's the president of the Merchant's Bank. He can afford it. And Helene is throwing parties and handing out cigarette cases to the boys and compacts to the girls.

RILEY:

But that ain't fair! That Bidwell! I'll get even with him! I'm drawin' out every cent I have in his bank!

PEG:

You don't have any money in that bank.

RILEY:

Well, I'll put some money in and then I'll draw it out! ...

PEG:

Babsie, it doesn't necessarily mean you'll lose the election.

BABS:

(DISCOURAGED) Oh, I haven't got a chance now. The election's tomorrow and-- Oh, what's the use?

RILEY:

Well, don't you give up, Babs. I'll help ya.

BABS:

How can you help me, daddy? You haven't any money. (MOVING OFF, TEARFUL) Excuse me.

SOUND:

BABS' STEPS AWAY ... DOOR CLOSES OFF

RILEY:

(MISERABLE) Oh, Peg, I see it all now.

PEG:

See what?

RILEY:

I'm a failure. Here I am, thirty-nine years old; I worked hard all my life and the one time my kid really needs my help, I can't do nothin' for her.

PEG:

Oh, don't blame yourself.

RILEY:

Well, it just goes to show ya ain't got a chance unless you're rich. Oh, why wasn't I born rich?

PEG:

Well, there're other ways of gettin' rich besides bein' born rich.

RILEY:

Yeah. You're right. Oh, why didn't I marry a rich woman? ...

PEG:

What?!

RILEY:

Peg, I gotta help Babs.

PEG:

Well, there's nothin' you can do.

RILEY:

There must be somethin'. This is a tough spot. I wonder what Mr. Feeney would do in a-- Feeney! Why didn't I think of him before? He'll come up with an angle!

PEG:

Now, don't be silly. This is only a college election and he's a professional politician. Why should he help Babs?

RILEY:

He'll help her! I know him from way back in the old days in Brooklyn! And one thing about Feeney -- he always does favors for anyone who voted for his candidates! And Babs voted for one of them when she was only six years old! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

FEENEY:

Help you, Riley? You bet your sweet life I will! Many's the time you've helped me swing an election back in the old days in Brooklyn.

RILEY:

Yeah, those were the good old days! (LAUGHS)

FEENEY:

Ha ha! Yeah. Hey, remember the time I ran for alderman in the fourth ward and the opposition threw that big picnic near the zoo and I gave you orders to break it up?!

RILEY:

Yeah! (LAUGHS) And I dressed in a rented gorilla costume and ran through the picnic grounds roarin'?! (LAUGHS)

FEENEY:

(LAUGHS) And nobody made a move! They just stood there laughin'! (LAUGHS)

RILEY:

(LAUGHS) Then I got sore and took off the costume!

FEENEY:

And then everybody ran! (LAUGHS HEARTILY) ...

RILEY:

Yeah, those were the days.

FEENEY:

(MORE SERIOUS) Well, let's get down to business, Riley.

RILEY:

Yeah, I hope you can help me, Mr. Feeney. My little girl has gotta win this election.

FEENEY:

Don't you worry, Riley. We'll put it over. Tell me, what's her campaign slogan?

RILEY:

Slogan? Well, I don't think she's got one.

FEENEY:

Oh, that's bad. Can't get the votes without a slogan. Somethin' that'll rally the voters. Now, let's see. We want somethin' up to the minute, huh?

RILEY:

Yeah.

SOUND:

FEENEY SNAPS HIS FINGERS

FEENEY:

Got it! "Vote for Babs Riley and Get a New Brooklyn Bridge"! ... Can't miss!

RILEY:

Naw. Naw, no, I don't think that's quite right. Y'see, we ain't in Brooklyn, we're in California. Besides it's a college election.

FEENEY:

Yeah, maybe you're right. But don't you worry, Riley, we'll get it. We'll get the right slogan if it takes us all week!

RILEY:

Yeah, but there's no time! Today's the registration of the voters and tomorrow's the election!

FEENEY:

Tomorrow?!

RILEY:

Yeah.

FEENEY:

Well, what are we foolin' around with a slogan for?! We'll have to do somethin' drastic! GET OUT THAT VOTE! And I think I got a little idea.

RILEY:

Yeah? What, Mr. Feeney?

FEENEY:

You leave everything to me. I'll get some of my, er, er, "political analysts" on the job, send 'em down to the campus today, have 'em size up the situation, talk to the voters. Don't you worry -- your kid's as good as elected!

RILEY:

Aw, Mr. Feeney, I don't know what to say.

FEENEY:

Forget it, Riley. Always glad to oblige.

RILEY:

Oh, I'll never forget you for this. I don't care how many people say you're a crook, you're okay with me! ... I mean, er--

FEENEY:

Ha ha ha! Same old Riley!

RILEY:

Yeah, well, so long, Mr. Feeney.

FEENEY:

So long!

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR CLOSES AS RILEY EXITS

FEENEY:

(CALLS) Hey, er, Mike?!

SOUND:

ANOTHER DOOR OPENS AS MIKE ENTERS

MIKE:

(BIG DUMB TOUGH GUY) You want me, boss? ...

FEENEY:

Yeah, I got a little job for ya. There's an election tomorrow for the president of the freshman class at UCLA.

MIKE:

Hey, that's a college! I don't like college work. Ever since I got nabbed at Vassar puttin' the fix on the girls' hockey team. ...

FEENEY:

Yeah, well, it's a little out of our line, but an election's an election, ya know. They're registerin' the voters today, so here's what I want ya to do. Get some of the boys together and get down there to that campus and-- (FADES OUT BEHIND--)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

CLERK:

All right. Next, please.

1ST STUDENT:

Is this where you get your ballot for the freshman election?

CLERK:

That's right. What's your name and course?

1ST STUDENT:

Susan Ratmill, science.

CLERK:

Here's your ballot.

2ND STUDENT:

George MacIntosh, arts.

CLERK:

Here you are.

3RD STUDENT:

Louise Thompson, music.

CLERK:

Here you are. All right, next?!

MIKE:

Hoy-bert Van Dyke da Thoid, arch-a-tetcher. ...

CLERK:

Here you are.

4TH STUDENT:

Mervyn LeRoy, science.

CLERK:

Here's your ballot.

RILEY:

Pardon me--?

CLERK:

You'll have to get in line.

RILEY:

Oh, I - I don't want a ballot. Is Babs Riley around here?

CLERK:

Ah, yes, I think I saw-- Oh, there she is. Over there.

RILEY:

Huh? Oh. Yeah. T'anks. (CALLS) Oh, Babs! Babs!

CLERK:

All right. Next, please. Hurry along now.

RILEY:

Babs, here I am!

BABS:

Daddy, what are you doing here?

RILEY:

I just came to tell you that everything's gonna be okay. My friend Mr. Feeney put some of his political analysts on the job. It's in the bag.

BABS:

Well, what's he doing?

RILEY:

Well, I don't know, but he's got an angle. Don't you worry. You just leave it to Feeney.

BABS:

But-- Well, listen, daddy. There's something funny going on.

RILEY:

Yeah? What do you mean?

BABS:

I think Helene Bidwell's pulling some kind of trick.

RILEY:

Yeah?

BABS:

You see that man in line there?

RILEY:

Where?

BABS:

The one with the checked sport jacket.

RILEY:

Oh. Yeah, what about him?

BABS:

Let's go up closer to the desk. You'll see.

RILEY:

All right.

CLERK:

All right. Next. Hurry along, please. Next.

MIKE:

Cecil Murgatroyd Cantwell, joy-nalism.

CLERK:

Here you are. Next. ...

BABS:

Daddy, did you see him?

RILEY:

Yeah.

BABS:

I'm sure he's not a freshman. I've never seen him around.

RILEY:

No, but I have. I've seen that face somewhere before.

BABS:

Daddy, look!

RILEY:

Huh?

BABS:

I knew it! Look, he's getting into line again.

RILEY:

Yeah, well, I'll have a little talk with him. I'll be right back.

SOUND:

RILEY'S STEPS TO MIKE

RILEY:

Hey, you!

MIKE:

Oh, hi!

RILEY:

Ain't I seen you someplace before?

MIKE:

Sure. Don't you remember me, Riley? I'm Mike, I work for Feeney. (REALIZES) Hey, is that Riley kid yours?

RILEY:

Yeah.

MIKE:

(PLEASED) I didn't get the connection. (REASSURING) It's in the bag. This is my sixth time around. I got a pocketful o' ballots. ... Some of the other boys are scattered around the other lines. They're doin' pretty good, too. Nothin' to worry about!

RILEY:

(HORRIFIED) You mean that you--? But you mustn't! That's all wrong!

MIKE:

What do you mean wrong?

RILEY:

Well, it's crooked!

MIKE:

Yeah, I know, but what's wrong? ...

CLERK:

All right, all right. Next, please. Get a move on, you're holding up the line.

MIKE:

Ah, ah, I'm - I'm next.

CLERK:

All right, what's your name?

MIKE:

Er, Maxwell Parkhurst, engineerin'. ...

CLERK:

(PUZZLED) Wait a minute. Didn't you get a ballot before?

MIKE:

Now, come on, hand over the ballot.

CLERK:

(SUSPICIOUS) Are you sure you're in engineering?

MIKE:

Sure, sure. Engineerin'.

CLERK:

What kind of engineering?

MIKE:

Er, er-- Locomotive engineerin'! (CHUCKLES) ... Wise guy!

BABS:

(APPROACHES) Daddy, that man's a fake!

RILEY:

Now, Babs, don't you make a scene.

BABS:

I'm going to expose him!

RILEY:

Babs, please -- don't! You'll be sorry!

BABS:

(UP, TO ALL) Listen, everybody! This fellow here's been in line more than once!

MIKE:

What are ya talkin' about?!

RILEY:

(TO BABS) Keep quiet!

SOUND:

CROWD OF STUDENTS MURMURS, IN BG

BABS:

(TO ALL) He's collecting other people's ballots!

RILEY:

Babs, don't!

BABS:

(TO ALL) And he's probably being paid by Helene Bidwell! (TO MIKE) Get out of here, you crook!

SOUND:

CROWD QUIETS BEHIND--

MIKE:

Well, that's gratitude! Here I been standin' in line all day and you call me a crook! I ain't workin' for that Bidwell! I'm collectin' these here ballots for you! I quit this here college! ...

SOUND:

CROWD OF STUDENTS MURMURS BRIEFLY, THEN OUT BEHIND--

BABS:

(HORRIFIED) Oh! Oh, daddy, did you--? (MOVING OFF, TEARFUL) Oh, excuse me.

RILEY:

Now, Babs! Wait!

SOUND:

RILEY'S STEPS CATCH UP TO BABS

BABS:

(SOBS)

RILEY:

Babs, wait for me. Now, Babs, listen.

BABS:

Don't you dare speak to me!

RILEY:

But, Babsie--

BABS:

I never want to speak to you again as long as I live! How could you think of doing such a dishonest thing?

RILEY:

But I didn't know. Feeney didn't tell me. I was just tryin' to help ya. Babs, wait!

BABS:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, leave me alone!

SOUND:

BABS' STEPS AWAY

RILEY:

(TO HIMSELF) She don't understand. But some day she'll be married and have a kid of her own. And then she'll know what it means to be a father! ...

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Prell will bring you the second act of THE LIFE OF RILEY in just a moment. And now, the glamor girl of Forty-Nine!

MUSIC:

FOR COMMERCIAL JINGLE

TALLULAH:

(SINGS) I'm Tallulah, the tube of Prell,
And I've got a little somethin' to tell.

Your hair can be radiant, oh, so easy;
All you gotta do is take me home - (SEDUCTIVE) - and squeeze me.

I'm Tallulah, the tube of Prell,
And I'll make your hair look swell.

It'll shine, it'll glow, so dandruff-free.
For radiant hair - (VERY SEDUCTIVE) - get a hold of me.

Tallulah,
The tube o'
Prell
Shampoo!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, folks, Tallulah's right. Prell -- Procter and Gamble's Radiant-Creme shampoo -- leaves hair more radiant than any soap shampoo. And Prell removes unsightly dandruff in as little as three minutes. Doctors' examinations proved it. For hair radiantly clean, radiantly lovely, try Prell your very next shampoo.

MUSIC:

RILEY THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Before rejoining Riley, just a word about that new hilarious "Life of Riley" motion picture that's coming your way soon. You're in for the laugh of a lifetime when you see all your favorite characters, including Digger O'Dell, in the "Life of Riley" movie, starring William Bendix, which opens today in Salt Lake City and New Haven, Connecticut.

MUSIC:

RILEY THEME

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to THE LIFE OF RILEY, where we find that Riley's life is by no means a merry one, as our hero lurks fearfully outside his back door, afraid to enter lest he incur the wrath of his wife and daughter.

RILEY:

(TO HIMSELF) Gee, it's after eight already. I can't stand out here all night -- I'm hungry. Well, I'm goin' in. After all, it's my house; why shouldn't I go in? I don't care if she does yell at me. I'll yell right back at her. I'm goin' in! After all, what am I -- a man or a mouse?!

SOUND:

BACK DOOR UNLATCHES ... SLOWLY CREAKS OPEN

PEG:

(OFF, FURIOUS) Eight-thirty! Just wait till I get a hold of that father of yours!

SOUND:

BACK DOOR SHUTS QUICKLY

RILEY:

(PAUSE, TO HIMSELF) What's wrong with bein' a mouse? ... Gee, I'm hungry. I wish I had some cheese.

SOUND:

BACK DOOR UNLATCHES AND OPENS

JUNIOR:

(CALLS) No, there's no one out here, mom.

PEG:

(OFF) Well, are you sure, Junior?! I'm positive that door opened!

JUNIOR:

Must've been the wind.

PEG:

(OFF) Well, as long as you're out there, dear, burn the trash in the incinerator, will ya?

JUNIOR:

Okay.

SOUND:

BACK DOOR SHUTS ... JUNIOR'S STEPS FROM BACK PORCH TO GRASS

RILEY:

(LOUD WHISPER) Psst! Junior!

JUNIOR:

Huh? What? Who's that?

RILEY:

It's me, Junior.

JUNIOR:

Pop!

RILEY:

Sssshhhh! I don't want your mother to hear.

JUNIOR:

Well, why didn't you come home for supper?

RILEY:

Well, I, er-- (STAMMERS) I was busy.

JUNIOR:

You were scared.

RILEY:

(OFFENDED) I ain't scared of man or beast!

JUNIOR:

But you're scared of mom.

RILEY:

Well-- ... Well, she's a woman. ... A man or a beast I can handle! ... She, er-- She very mad at me?

JUNIOR:

Ooh, and how!

RILEY:

(UNHAPPY) Oh-oh. Where's Babs?

JUNIOR:

In her room. She was crying.

RILEY:

(GROANS)

JUNIOR:

Aren't ya gonna come in?

RILEY:

Not yet. Listen, Junior, I'm starved. Get me somethin' to eat, a sandwich or somethin', huh? Sneak it out without your mother seein'.

JUNIOR:

Oh, I can't, Pop.

RILEY:

You gotta. I can't face her on an empty stomach.

JUNIOR:

Well-- ... Okay, I'll try.

SOUND:

BACK DOOR UNLATCHES AND OPENS

PEG:

Junior! Who's out there with you?!

JUNIOR:

Um-- Ah--

RILEY:

(WHISPERS) Say it's our cat!

PEG:

(INSISTENT) Who's out there, Junior?!

JUNIOR:

It's our cat!

RILEY:

(UNCONVINCING) Meow-owwwwww! ...

PEG:

What cat?! We have no cat!

RILEY:

You have ne-owwwwwwwww! ...

PEG:

Well! I thought it was you!

RILEY:

Peg, I--

PEG:

So you finally showed up!

RILEY:

Now, listen, Peg--

PEG:

It's a wonder you're not ashamed to show your face!

RILEY:

But it wasn't my fault--

PEG:

Do you realize you've just about broken that poor child's heart? She's been in her room all day, cryin' her eyes out!

RILEY:

But I didn't know that--

PEG:

I told you not to interfere. But no! You knew better! Ya had to go and see that crook Feeney! And you lost the election for her! Why, nobody'll vote for her tomorrow. I hope you're satisfied!

RILEY:

But I wanted to help her. I thought if she had a campaign manager, she'd--

PEG:

(GIVES UP) Ohhhh, come in the house.

RILEY:

(BEAT, MEEKLY) Ya forgive me?

PEG:

No! ... I just don't want the neighbors to find out that my husband's a nincompoop! ...

RILEY:

(OFFENDED) Now, just a minute! You're goin' too far! Now you're gettin' personal! ... Just because I don't earn much income, you got no right to call me an income poop! ... [APPLAUSE] And I don't like the way--!

PEG:

(INTERRUPTS) Don't you raise your voice to me.

RILEY:

I will if I want to! It's my voice! ... And if you don't like it, you don't have to stand here talkin' to me! You can leave! Yeah!

PEG:

Well, don't worry! I will leave!

SOUND:

BACK DOOR SHUTS

RILEY:

Huh! Walked out on me, huh? ... Now wait till she walks around the streets for a couple of hours and she's dyin' on her feet. She won't be so hoity-toity! And it's plenty cold outside tonight!

JUNIOR:

But, Pop! You're outside! Mom's in the house! ...

RILEY:

What a revoltin' development this is!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RILEY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... THEN IN BG

RILEY:

(TO HIMSELF) Oh, I'm tired. I musta walked around for hours. Maybe I ought to go home. No! I won't give her the satisfaction! But what am I gonna do? I can't go to a hotel; got no money. Hey, there's Digger O'Dell's place. He'll help me.

SOUND:

RILEY'S STEPS TO DIGGER'S DOOR

RILEY:

Huh. There's no light. I hope he's in. I'd better ring the bell.

SOUND:

MUSICAL DOORBELL RINGS ... THE CHIMING MELODY IS A JAUNTY VERSION OF CHOPIN'S "FUNERAL MARCH" ...

RILEY:

(BEAT, UNNERVED BY THE MELODY) Maybe I'd better go home, after all. ...

DIGGER:

(BEHIND DOOR) Who's there?!

RILEY:

It's me -- Riley! Is that you, Digger?!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

DIGGER:

Yes, it is I, indeed: Digby O'Dell, the Friendly Undertaker. ... [APPLAUSE FOR DIGGER] What brings you here at this hour of the night?

RILEY:

(WEARY) Digger, can I sleep here tonight?

DIGGER:

Sleep here? But I've no place.

RILEY:

Oh, please, Digger. I'm dead.

DIGGER:

In that case, come in. ... I'll dig up a place for you! ...

RILEY:

Well, thanks, Digger. You see, I can't go home. I had a fight with Peg, on account of Babs. I'm afraid she's gonna lose her class election tomorrow. I asked Feeney to help me--

DIGGER:

(INTERRUPTS) Feeney?!

RILEY:

Yeah.

DIGGER:

That ward heeler? You should have come to me for advice. I'm an expert on politics. In fact, I've just returned from Washington, where I've been lobbying for the U.E.P.B.T.L.M.

RILEY:

U.E.P.B.T.L.M.?

DIGGER:

Yes, the Undertakers, Embalmers, and Pallbearers' Back To the Land Movement. ... We believe that every citizen is entitled to his own plot of ground -- and we won't give up until we put him there. ...

RILEY:

Well, I'm sorry now I didn't come to you.

DIGGER:

You should have. Everybody comes to me eventually. ... Because when I get behind a man and give him a push, he gets in by a landslide. ... Once, the city was overrun by vice and I ran on the citizens' reform ticket for mayor. I lost in spite of my wonderful slogan.

RILEY:

What was your slogan?

DIGGER:

"Vote for Digger -- He'll Put the Lid On"! ...

RILEY:

(MISERABLE) I'll never be able to face Babs. Oh, if there was only some way she could still win.

DIGGER:

Well, tell me, Riley, what is her platform? What has she promised the voters?

RILEY:

Well, I - I don't know. She, uh-- (BEAT, INSPIRED) Ohhhhhh. Digger, you just gave me an idea. If it works, maybe Babs can win yet. (ENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, Digger, I'm glad I came here! You put new life into me!

DIGGER:

Lots of people come here, but you're the first one who's ever said that. ...

RILEY:

Well, so long, Digger!

DIGGER:

Aren't you going to sleep here?

RILEY:

No, I'd better go home and think this out. Besides, I snore, very loud.

DIGGER:

Believe me, you won't disturb anyone. ... But if you insist. Cheerio! You'd better be - shoveling off.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE FOR DIGGER BEHIND--

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

PEG:

(WORRIED) Babs? Babs!

BABS:

(STILL DEPRESSED) What is it, mother?

PEG:

Did your father phone while I was out this afternoon?

BABS:

No, he didn't.

PEG:

Well, I'm worried about him. He left the house early this morning without sayin' a word and here it is seven-thirty and he's not home yet. I just phoned the plant and he didn't even show up today. Where can he be?

BABS:

I don't know and I don't care.

PEG:

Now, Babsie, don't talk like that. I know he did an awful thing, but-- After all, he is your father and he meant well.

BABS:

(SIGHS) I'm sorry. But I can't help thinking if he hadn't interfered, I might have won the election.

PEG:

Well, you shouldn't have given up this way. You should have gone to school today. There was still a chance.

BABS:

Oh, I didn't have a chance in the world.

PEG:

Well-- All right, dear. Let's forget about it. Well, you better get dressed if you're going to that freshman prom.

BABS:

The prom? You don't think I'd dare show my face at the prom after what happened? And when my date shows up, you can tell him.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

RILEY:

(APPROACHES) Peg! Where's Babs?!

PEG:

Riley! Where've you been all day?! I've been worried sick!

RILEY:

Where's Babs?! Oh! Oh, there ya are! (MERRILY) Babs, why didn't you go to school today?!

PEG:

Riley, where were you?!

RILEY:

Where do you think I was? At school! On the campus -- campaignin' for my little girl!

BABS:

Oh, daddy -- not again!

PEG:

Chester Riley, haven't ya done enough damage?!

RILEY:

Wait a minute! You're hangin' an innocent man! Take a look at this paper! The college paper. Here.

BABS:

Oh, let me see.

RILEY:

Yeah.

BABS:

(READS, ASTONISHED) "Babs Riley Elected."

PEG:

(GASPS)

RILEY:

Yep!

BABS:

(READS) "Wins By Landslide"?! (THRILLED) I won! Mother! Daddy! I won! I can't believe it! I won!

PEG:

Why, Babsie, that's wonderful! Oh, I told ya not to give up.

JUNIOR:

(APPROACHES) Hey, what's all the excitement?

BABS:

Oh, Junior, I won! I was elected! I won!

RILEY:

Yeah, and don't forget -- I put it over for ya!

BABS:

Oh! Well, daddy, what happened? How'd ya do it?

RILEY:

(PROUDLY) Brains.

PEG:

Yes, but how did you do it? ...

RILEY:

Last minute straj-a-dee! ...

BABS:

Daddy, please tell me.

RILEY:

Aw, no. No, no, no. That's my little secret. After all, did Truman tell Margaret?

BABS:

(EXHALES) ... Daddy, please! I've got to know.

RILEY:

Wellllll, it was a cinch. You shoulda seen me in action. I went up to this boy, see, and I grab his lapels and I say, "Who ya gonna vote for?" "Helene," he says. "Got a date for the prom?" I says. "No," he says. "Would you like one with a gorgeous girl?" (HUNGRILY) "Yeah!" he says. "I can fix it," I says. "Who's the girl?" he says. (UP BIG) "Babs!" I says -- "Now who ya gonna vote for?!" (LOW) "Babs," he says. (CHUCKLES LIKE A MADMAN) ...

PEG:

(CONFUSED) Riley, I - I don't understand. Ya promised one boy a date with Babs and that swung the election?!

RILEY:

Who says one boy?! Every boy! ...

BABS:

(GASPS, DISBELIEF) What?! Daddy!

PEG:

Are you out of your mind?! How on Earth--?

RILEY:

Wait a minute, wait a minute! Don't get excited, don't get excited. It's only an election promise. Who ever heard of a politician livin' up to his promises? ... [APPLAUSE]

BABS:

(WORRIED) But - but I'm going to the prom with George. Suppose they come here and--

RILEY:

Don't worry, they won't. Didn't give 'em the address. I told each one that you'll phone 'em. And you won't phone 'em. Now, you go to the prom with George and have a good time and remember -- you owe it all to your daddy.

BABS:

Oh! Oh, it's eight o'clock. I better get dressed.

RILEY:

Yeah.

BABS:

(MOVING OFF) Mother, will you give me a hand?

PEG:

(MOVING OFF, WORRIED) Well, all right, dear, but - I don't like this whole thing.

RILEY:

(UNCONCERNED, DISMISSIVE) Ohhhhh.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, PEG AND BABS' STEPS EXIT THROUGH INNER DOOR, WHICH SHUTS

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES) Ain't that just like a woman, Junior? They never appreciate what you do for 'em.

JUNIOR:

Yeah, but, Pop-- Some of those guys, when they find out ya tricked 'em, they might make some trouble.

RILEY:

What trouble? The voters are too dumb to make trouble. ... They're dopes. You take it from me, Junior--

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

RILEY:

Duh, uh-- The door.

SOUND:

RILEY'S STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, WHICH OPENS

RILEY:

Yeah?

1ST BOY:

Hello, Mr. Riley. I waited for Babs' call, but she didn't phone, so I thought I'd better come over.

RILEY:

Ah, but you can't-- I mean--

PEG:

(FROM OFF) Who's at the door, Riley?!

RILEY:

(STAMMERS, CALLS) Nobody! (TO BOY) Quick! Wait in this room here.

1ST BOY:

But, Mr. Riley--

SOUND:

BOY SHOVED INTO ROOM ... INNER DOOR SHUTS

RILEY:

(WORRIED, TO HIMSELF) Oh, what'll I do?

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

RILEY:

Who's that?

JUNIOR:

Sounds like another dope.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

2ND BOY:

Hello, Mr. Riley. I waited for Babs, but--

RILEY:

Never mind. Quick!

SOUND:

INNER DOOR OPENS

2ND BOY:

I-- Well, I--

RILEY:

In this room!

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, BOY SHOVED INTO ROOM ... INNER DOOR SHUTS

JUNIOR:

What're ya gonna do, Pop?

RILEY:

(STAMMERS) Well, I don't know. I'll have to tell her. Babs'll have to go to the prom with three boys.

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

JUNIOR:

Four boys. ...

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

3RD BOY:

How do you do, Mr. Riley?

4TH BOY:

Evening, Mr. Riley!

RILEY:

(HORRIFIED) Five boys! They're comin' like locusts! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... BUZZING, LIKE LOCUSTS

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

RILEY:

Another one!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

5TH BOY:

Good evening, Mr. Riley. I waited--

RILEY:

I know! She didn't phone. Junior, put him in the dinin' room! ...

JUNIOR:

There's no room. It's full!

RILEY:

Oh, well-- How 'bout the kitchen?

JUNIOR:

Well, that's full, too.

RILEY:

Wait, let me see that chart again. (READS) Dinin' room, bedroom, kitchen-- ... (IN DESPAIR, TO HIMSELF) Oh, we're all booked up! (UP) Junior, start fillin' up the garage! ...

PEG:

(APPROACHES) Riley? Who's been ringin' our doorbell? It sounds like an army's visitin' us!

5TH BOY:

Good evening.

PEG:

(SURPRISED) Oh! Well, who's this young man?

RILEY:

Meet one of the privates! ...

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, POLICE SIREN APPROACHES ... POLICE CAR PULLS TO A STOP OUTSIDE RILEY HOME BEHIND--

PEG:

Why, that's a police car! In our street! Well, what's goin' on out there?

SOUND:

PEG'S STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, WHICH OPENS ... LARGE CROWD OF BOYS MURMUR, IN BG

RILEY:

Now, Peg--! Peg, don't go out--!

PEG:

Riley, what are all those cars--?! (ASTONISHED) Why, jalopies! And what are all those boys linin' up in front of our house--?!

BABS:

(OFF, SHRIEKS)

PEG:

Babs?!

BABS:

(APPROACHES, ALARMED) Mother! There's six strange boys in the bathroom! ...

PEG:

Riley! What's the meanin' of this?!

RILEY:

(STAMMERS) Well-- Well, ya see, Peg, the voters-- I promised-- You see--

PEG:

I see, all right. I told you--! What are we gonna do now?!

RILEY:

(HELPLESSLY) I wash my hands of the whole affair. ... Babs'll have to go with all of them!

BABS:

(MOVING OFF, DEFIANT) Oh, I will not! I'm going with George!

RILEY:

(CALLS) Babs! Wait! Come back here! You can't--! (HELPLESS AGAIN) Oh, Peg -- what'll I do?

PEG:

(ACCUSING) You got yourself into this. It's your problem. I told you not to interfere!

RILEY:

Yeah, I know. I made a mistake. I thought I could trick the voters. But ya can't. It's just like Abe Lincoln said. Ya can fool some of the people all of the time, an' ya can fool all of the people some of the time, but you, uh-- But the, er-- Er, ah-- ... How does it end?

PEG:

But there's no fool like Riley! ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

The Rileys will return in just a moment. Say, lady, are you a hair fusser? Always shampooing and curling so you won't be caught with your hair down? Then get a lovely rain scarf from Prell, the Radiant-Creme Shampoo, to protect that favorite hairdo when it rains. Yes, you couldn't look smarter than in one of those gay colored scarves of soft pliable rainproof material. And, say, they're such a bargain that you'll want more than one. Worth up to seventy-five cents, you get them for just twenty-five cents and a Prell carton. That's right! Send your twenty-five cents and any size Prell carton with your name and address to Prell, Cincinnati, Ohio. Be sure to state your color choice: rose, blue, green, or yellow. Send to Prell, Cincinnati, Ohio for your rain scarf today! This offer good in the United States only.

MUSIC:

RILEY THEME FOR QUICK TRANSITION

SOUND:

PEG AND RILEY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... THEN IN BG, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

PEG:

Well, I can't get over it. Of all the crazy things to do. Promisin' those boys--

RILEY:

(INTERRUPTS) All right, all right, that's enough. You don't have to keep tellin' me. Anyway, I straightened everything out with the boys, didn't I? Now, if we're goin' in the movies, let's go; no more arguments.

PEG:

All right, get the tickets.

RILEY:

Okay.

GIRL:

How many, please?

RILEY:

Two loges and fifty-six in the balcony. (CALLS) Come on, boys! ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Procter and Gamble invites you to join us again next week to hear THE LIFE OF RILEY over this NBC station. The "Life of Riley" motion picture starring William Bendix is now showing in Buffalo, Pittsburgh, New Haven, Salt Lake City, and two hundred other cities that like to laugh. Tonight's script is by Alan Lipscott, Reuben Ship, and Dick Powell. Mrs. Riley is Paula Winslowe. Digger O'Dell is John Brown. THE LIFE OF RILEY is produced by Irving Brecher. And remember, to get your rainproof rain scarf from Prell, just send your name and address with twenty-five cents and any size Prell carton to Prell, Cincinnati, Ohio. Be sure to state your color choice: rose, blue, green, or yellow. Remember, that's Prell, Cincinnati, Ohio. This offer is good in the United States only.

MUSIC:

UP TO FILL A PAUSE ... THEN FADES OUT

SOUND:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

MUSIC:

FOR IVORY SOAP JINGLE

WOMAN:

(SINGS)
Heigh-ho, Ivory Snow!
Wash your dishes with Ivory Snow.
It's safe for hands and speedy, too.
Lovely hands mean a lovely you.
Heigh-ho, safe in Snow!
Wash your dishes in Ivory Snow.

2ND ANNCR:

Let your hands tell you why Ivory Snow is so wonderful for dishwashing. Wash your dishes with Ivory Snow as millions do. When you see how Ivory Snow pampers your hands, you'll know it's ideal. It's Ivory mild, Ivory pure. And remember, it's granulated for speed. No soap made is faster for dishes or kinder to hands than Ivory Snow -- the only soap both Ivory mild and granulated for efficiency. Yes, for speedier dishwashing, for snow-white hands, try wonderful Ivory Snow.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

And this is Ken Niles reminding you to tune in to this NBC station every Friday night for a full hour of comedy: first, Red Skelton, and then - THE LIFE OF RILEY! Good night.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... FADES OUT WITH--

MUSIC:

FADES OUT

NBC ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES