ANNOUNCER:

Listen carefully--

SOUND:

WEIRD COSMIC HUM ... WHEEEEEEE - POP!

ANNOUNCER:

That is the sound of someone moving into the fourth dimension. You'll hear the full story--

MUSIC:

DRUM ROLL

ANNOUNCER:

-- now, from Hollywood, on -- ROMANCE!

MUSIC:

THEME ... FADES OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

ROMANCE -- transcribed stories of love and adventure, of comedy and crisis, of conflict and human emotion. Today, an amusing and highly improbable account of life in the twenty-fifth century as we present Joseph Slotkin's science fiction adventure, "The Strip Teaser and the Space Warp."

MUSIC:

FUTURISTIC INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND SPELVIN--

SPELVIN:

(NARRATES) Hiya! My name is Benny Spelvin. I'm a space bum. Now, this all happened just a couple years ago when I was layin' over on Venus after bein' jet man on the Ceres-to-Neptune run. Well, anyhow, there I was relaxin' with my second Plutonian Stinger in the dignified atmosphere of Charlie's Venusian Retreat when there was a strange noise outside the dive.

SOUND:

BUZZING ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! OF HEAT RAY GUN ... THEN BAR ROOM BACKGROUND

BROWN:

(ENTERS, AGITATED, MUMBLING TO HIMSELF) Oh. Oh, my. Wha--? Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. (TO SPELVIN, STAMMERS) I - I beg your pardon. Would you mind if I joined you?

SPELVIN:

Hey, you don't look good. Maybe you better sit down.

SOUND:

SCRAPE OF STOOL

BROWN:

(RELIEVED) Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. (CALLS) Oh, waiter?

SOUND:

SAM'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH BEHIND--

SAM:

(UNFRIENDLY) Yeah? What'll you have?

BROWN:

I'll have two of whatever he's got there, sir.

SAM:

(DISBELIEF) What?

SPELVIN:

Hey, mister, this here's a Plutonian Stinger.

SAM:

Yeah, we only allow two to a customer.

BROWN:

(MISERABLE) Well, maybe you'd better bring me three, waiter.

SAM:

(HOSTILE) Who are you trying to kid, mister?

SPELVIN:

Look, never mind, Sam. Just bring I and the little guy here a couple o' Uranus Delights and forget it, will ya?

SAM:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, but nobody gets wise with me! I got my job!

SOUND:

SAM'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY

SPELVIN:

Look, uh, you don't wanna mind them waiters, mister. They're all from Sat-urn. You know, cheap help.

BROWN:

Oh, I've had to get used to all sorts of things lately.

SPELVIN:

Yeah, yeah, so I see.

SOUND:

SAM'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

SAM:

(RETURNS) Okay, that'll be two asteroids.

SOUND:

BROWN FUMBLES FOR MONEY

BROWN:

Oh. Here you are, waiter. Keep the change.

SAM:

(MOVING OFF, IMPRESSED) Yeah, mister? Thanks. Sure.

SOUND:

SAM'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY

BROWN:

(EXHALES)

SPELVIN:

Hey, uh, look, fella, maybe it's none of my business, but Charlie's poison, that'll pick ya up and lay ya down.

BROWN:

Oh, what difference does it make? He'll get me sooner or later and then--

SPELVIN:

He?

BROWN:

Yes. Perhaps you heard that heat ray gun going off outside a moment ago?

SPELVIN:

(REALIZES) Ohhhh, yeah! So that's what them noises was.

BROWN:

Yes. Wherever I go, he shoots at me. Waits for me to leave the house and then he shoots at me.

SPELVIN:

Well, look, mister, it's none of my business, but with you carryin' all them asteroids around, no wonder somebody's takin' potshots at ya.

BROWN:

Oh, Luigi isn't interested in money.

SPELVIN:

(HORRIFIED) Luigi! You - you don't mean Luigi the Lug?

BROWN:

Precisely. (CHUCKLES DARKLY)

SPELVIN:

Look, this ain't funny, mister. Everybody knows what a dangerous guy that guy is! (LOW) Hey. What's he got on you?

BROWN:

(DELIBERATELY) He thinks I stole his girl.

SPELVIN:

Oh, sure. I mean, any fella that-- (SPIT TAKE, PUTS DRINK DOWN) Stole - stole his--? You?

BROWN:

Well, I didn't, of course. But the fact that the last time she was seen was entering my apartment, and the fact that she never left it -- at least, visibly-- Well, it makes it difficult to convince him.

SPELVIN:

(SKEPTICAL) Ahhh, now, wait a minute--

BROWN:

Oh, I don't expect anyone to believe me any more. Sometimes I find it hard to believe myself.

SPELVIN:

Well, do you know who Luigi's gal is?

BROWN:

(CORRECTS HIM) Was.

SPELVIN:

Helen La Tour.

BROWN:

The same.

SPELVIN:

The queen of the burley circuit.

BROWN:

The same.

SPELVIN:

(LOUD WHISPER) Wow!

BROWN:

(CONCEDES) She was a most attractive person.

SPELVIN:

Yeah, right out of this world.

BROWN:

Precisely. Right out of this world.

SPELVIN:

In your apartment?

BROWN:

No, just out of this world.

SOUND:

BROWN RISES FROM STOOL

BROWN:

Look, if you wouldn't mind running the risk, I would appreciate your company.

SPELVIN:

Well, where're you going?

BROWN:

Back to my apartment. The refreshments here lack the needed stimulation. I have a much better supply at home.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN BEHIND SPELVIN--

SPELVIN:

(NARRATES) Now, under ordinary circumstances, I would turn down such an invitation. But I find myself feeling sorry for the little guy who is obviously soft in the noggin, so I give in. And besides, I'm fascinated like a snake by this connection between this here mild-lookin' little neb' and (CHUCKLES, LUSTFUL) luscious Helen La Tour.

SOUND:

SPELVIN AND BROWN'S FOOTSTEPS TO APARTMENT DOOR

BROWN:

Oh, here we are.

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR UNLOCKS AND OPENS

BROWN:

Here. Let me turn on the lights.

SOUND:

LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ... DOOR SHUTS BEHIND--

BROWN:

(EXHALES IN RELIEF) Ahhhh.

SPELVIN:

Hey, it's a crazy-lookin' pad you got here.

BROWN:

Yes, isn't it?

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR LOCKED

BROWN:

My, it's good to be safe again. Please forgive me for not introducing myself sooner, but under the circumstances-- My name is Timothy J. Brown, Ph.D, M.D., and M.A.

SPELVIN:

(AWKWARDLY) Oh. Well, I'm Benjamin Spelvin. Er, no initials.

BROWN:

Very well, Benny-- If I may call you that?

SPELVIN:

Oh, sure, that's okay.

BROWN:

Benny, I am, you see, a psychiatrist.

SPELVIN:

(UNCERTAIN) You mean you're a--? Ohhh. Oh, yeah.

BROWN:

I am concerned mainly with psychological abnormalities and maladjustments. I'm also known as something of an expert in the science of phenomenology.

SPELVIN:

(CLUELESS) Er, eh-- Yeah, sure, sure. Er, but what has this got to do with the disappearance of Helen La Tour?

BROWN:

(REMEMBERS) Oh. Yes. The events that brought me, a modest scientist, into contact with this awful Luigi -- the "Lug" -- and that delectable creature Miss Helen La Tour.

MUSIC:

BEHIND BROWN--

BROWN:

(NARRATES) Not so long ago, I came to Venus from a rather successful series of experiments on Mars to continue my research on the lack of inhibition in the outer planets. Among the inhabitants, that is. Everyone on Earth had long ago been successfully set at peace with their psyches, but here, on the frontiers of civilization-- (COUGHS SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Well, I had set up practice here in this apartment when one day I was visited by this very attractive young woman.

HELEN:

I'm grateful for your seein' me, professor; honest I am.

BROWN:

Miss, uh--? La Tour, was it?

HELEN:

Yeah. Helen La Tour. Ya heard o' me?

BROWN:

Well, the name has a familiar ring.

HELEN:

I've been known in the strip tease game as "Queen of the Galaxy Gavotte."

BROWN:

Well, just what do you do?

HELEN:

I'm a tease artist. (BEAT) I take it off. (BEAT) Strip.

BROWN:

(UNCOMPREHENDING) Hah?

HELEN:

Well, doc, the trouble is I'm right out of this world.

BROWN:

I beg your pardon?

HELEN:

That's the trouble. I've been right out of this world.

BROWN:

(CONFUSED) Oh, you have -- dreams?

HELEN:

Let me explain. I'm opening next week after a layoff on Earth, see? Well, they got the whole show at the Little Venus built around my number. And I figured out a routine that's a sure sensation. You should see this number. It begins with me wigglin' like this. (STARTS HUMMING IRVING BERLIN'S 1919 SONG "A PRETTY GIRL IS LIKE A MELODY")

BROWN:

(FLUSTERED) Well, I believe we can dispense with the--

HELEN:

Oh, but that's just it, doc. I gotta tell ya about it. (BEAT) It's symbolic, see? Sort of a United Planets number. The idea is that all the planets are held together by love. Real solid love. The kind that grips you.

BROWN:

Er, yes. Well, please, Miss La Tour, come to the source of your difficulty.

HELEN:

Hm? Oh! Well, the number's comin' along terrific. I got it down perfect -- every movement. I feel I've reached a peak in my art --- when it happens.

BROWN:

Yes?

HELEN:

I'm doin' the routine in my dressing room, see? First the singing, then the bubbles, then I get to the part where I suddenly give a sort of wiggle -- er, with my hips -- and then--

BROWN:

(BEAT, EXPECTANT) And then, Miss La Tour?

HELEN:

Well, that's it, doc. That's when it happened. One minute, I'm standin' there in my room practicin' and then-- I ain't there any more.

BROWN:

Well, where were you?

HELEN:

That's the funniest part of it. I was standin' on sand in some kind of desert like. And, doc, there was someone starin' at me.

BROWN:

I see. A man, doubtless.

HELEN:

Yeah. And when he saw me standin' there, he came toward me. So I figures, here's a man and I got my new routine, let's try it out. So watchin' his face, I started my dance.

BROWN:

Then what happened?

HELEN:

Well, I got to that same hip sway. His face became dim, and sorta cloudy, and then in a flash I was back in my room again, just like it never happened.

BROWN:

Uh, Miss La Tour, tell me. When you were a child, were you always imagining men were looking at you?

HELEN:

They were. (BEAT, A LITTLE OFFENDED) Hey! You think I'm imagining I was somewhere else? Well, how come when I got back in my room, there was sand on the bottoms of my slippers?

BROWN:

Yes, of course, of course. Now, I am not disagreeing with you.

HELEN:

Look, I'll do my routine -- right here, doc, right now. You'll see! (STARTS HUMMING "A PRETTY GIRL IS LIKE A MELODY" ... CONTINUES IN BG)

BROWN:

(DISMAYED) Oh, no. (INCREASINGLY FLUSTERED) No, no, no, no, no, please, Miss-- Miss La Tour, not here. Not in my-- Please! Not in my--

HELEN:

You see now? (CONTINUES TO HUM IN BG)

BROWN:

Yes. Yes, I'm afraid I'm beginning to. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

HELEN:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) How do you like it, professor? (CONTINUES TO HUM IN BG)

BROWN:

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) It's quite interesting. Oh, my. Oh, most unusual. Oh, dear.

HELEN:

Just about now, I go into my new hip sway -- like this -- and--

SOUND:

WEIRD COSMIC HUM ... WHEEEEEEE - POP!

BROWN:

(STARTLED) Ah--? Miss La Tour? (NO ANSWER) Miss La Tour? (NO ANSWER) Where are you?!

MUSIC:

FUTURISTIC CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

We'll return to ROMANCE in just a moment.

Tomorrow, on THE WOOLWORTH HOUR, Percy Faith strikes up the band for gala goings-on with Alec Templeton, who'll perform the world premiere of his "Pocket-Size Sonata for Clarinet." Tomorrow, every Sunday, over most of these same stations, listen for THE WOOLWORTH HOUR.

And now for the second act of ROMANCE.

MUSIC:

FUTURISTIC INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND BROWN--

BROWN:

(NARRATES) She was gone! Without warning of any sort, she had vanished into thin air. (CHUCKLES) Well, you can imagine how perturbed I was. I searched the entire apartment thoroughly. For a moment, I was inclined to believe it was merely an hallucination of my own, but there was the evidence of the clothing she had already, er, shed lying on the floor to prove my own sanity. Oh, I needed a drink; something to calm me.

SOUND:

CLATTER OF BOTTLE AND GLASS AS BROWN FIXES A DRINK

BROWN:

(NARRATES) As I was pouring myself a Uranian Delight, I--

SOUND:

WHEEEEEEE - POP!

BROWN:

(STARTLED) Oh! Ah!

SOUND:

CRASH! OF GLASS AS BROWN DROPS HIS BOTTLE

HELEN:

I'm back, doc!

BROWN:

(ASTONISHED) Miss La Tour!

HELEN:

Guess where I was this time!

BROWN:

What is that you're holding? It looks like a human hand.

HELEN:

Oh, this? It's some kind of a metal glove. (SIGHS) What a night!

BROWN:

"Night"? But you've been gone merely a few minutes. How can you say "night"?

HELEN:

Search me. All I know is I just spent the last few hours with a knight. You know, the kind that ride a horse.

BROWN:

Well, then - then, this is a gauntlet -- the sort worn by those legendary knights in the prehistory time of King Arthur.

HELEN:

He was so sweet, doc. Talked kind of funny. He called it English. But I could understand enough to know-- Well, anyhow, after a while, I remembered you'd be worried about me, so I sneaked out of his castle--

BROWN:

Castle?!

HELEN:

Yeah. Anyhow, I went though my routine up to the point where I wiggle my hips and -- poof! Here I am.

BROWN:

Yes, but where were you?

HELEN:

Oh, search me. He said his name was Lancelot.

BROWN:

What?!

HELEN:

Lancelot. (BEAT, WARMLY) That's a nice name. (AMUSED) Hm! I wonder what Luigi would say.

BROWN:

(THOUGHTFUL) Lancelot. A metal gauntlet, sand on your slippers-- Miss La Tour, do you realize what you have accomplished by a mere - wiggle of your hips?

HELEN:

I built up quite a reputation, I know that! Hey, are my seams straight?

BROWN:

Yes, yes. Look, either we're both crazy or you have found a way to penetrate through the fourth dimension into time itself!

HELEN:

Oh, that's fine, doc. Only if you can figure out some way to get that - "penetration," you called it - out of my act, so I won't disappear in the middle of it-- After all, I don't want to disappoint the cash customers.

BROWN:

Your act is unimportant now! You have created a miracle in science merely by the undulations of your - lower extremities! Somehow, in some way, through that little - wiggle of your hips, you have found your way through a warp in space that's projected you into another time sphere coextensive with our own!

HELEN:

Oh, that's great, doc. Supposing I come up here again some time so I can see Lance.

BROWN:

Well, hardly. Come to my apartment so that you can carry on with a man dead a thousand -- three thousand -- years? Certainly not!

HELEN:

He didn't seem dead to me.

BROWN:

Miss La Tour, do you realize what this would mean to science?

HELEN:

What do I care about science? All I want is my routine. Can you help me get that there "fourth dimensional wiggle" out of my routine or can't you?!

BROWN:

Well, I'd have to study this phenomenon much more closely--

HELEN:

(UPSET) Listen! I built myself up from a walk-on in the chorus, worked hard, figured out my own bumps and grinds, developed my own hip rolls -- just so I could make myself the biggest name in the business, and now what happens?! I got what you call a "fourth dimensional wiggle" that gets me out through a space warp into somebody's backyard who lived before I was born! Well, I'm fed up! I'll cut the business out of my routine and that's that!

BROWN:

No, no, no -- you've got a debt to society!

HELEN:

Listen, I ain't playin' guinea pig for no jerk scientists! (GRANDLY) I got my art to think about!

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR OPENS

BROWN:

No, no, no, please! I grant you all that, but Miss La Tour, we--

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR SLAMS SHUT

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND BROWN--

BROWN:

(NARRATES) Well, I was nonplussed. But I felt sure if I could just see her again and explain her value to science-- Well, at any rate, I knew where to go. I had never in all my life frequented one of those burlesque houses--

SOUND:

BURLESQUE HOUSE BACKGROUND SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE

MUSIC:

FOR A FUTURISTIC BURLESQUE SHOW ... STARTS WITH A CYMBAL ROLL AND CONTINUES IN BG

BROWN:

(NARRATES) So it was with some apprehension that I sank into a seat in the semidarkness of the Little Venus Theatre.

EMCEE:

Before the main show begins, ladies and gentlemen, lend me your ears. Now, you see this? Well, you'll never see nothin' like it. Not only for two asteroids do you get a box of delicious chocolates with the nuts inside, but a valuable prize in each and every box. Plus! Plus, folks, a voluptuous picture of Maisie the Martian. Now, my assistants will walk among you.

BROWN:

(NARRATES) As I relaxed, munching on the chocolates I had purchased, I - I must confess I was intrigued.

EMCEE:

And now, ladies and gentlemen!

MUSIC:

FUTURISTIC DRUM ROLL!

EMCEE:

The Queen of the Galaxy Gavotte! Our star attraction! The toast of the universe! Miss Helen La Tour!

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS, WHISTLES, AND APPLAUDS

MUSIC:

"A PRETTY GIRL IS LIKE A MELODY" ... CONTINUES IN BG

BROWN:

(NARRATES) Well, there she was. Doing her - routine, on the stage. It was quite well-received.

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS, WHISTLES, AND APPLAUDS

BROWN:

(NARRATES) But there was something lacking. That hip wiggle. Once having seen it, one comes to - miss it, as it were.

SOUND:

CROWD FADES OUT

MUSIC:

FADES OUT

SOUND:

BACKSTAGE BACKGROUND ... (LUIGI THE LUG IS APPARENTLY BEATING UP SOMEONE NEARBY)

BROWN:

(NARRATES) After the, er, performance, I endeavored to see Miss La Tour backstage, to see if I could persuade her to change her mind and let me examine the - evidence more thoroughly. That was when I had my first brush with, er, this Luigi person.

LUIGI:

(THREATENING) Hey, Pops, where do you think you're goin'?

BROWN:

Oh, well, they told me Miss La Tour's dressing room was this way and I--

LUIGI:

Oh, a "Stage Door John," huh?

BROWN:

(WITH DIGNITY) Sir, I am Timothy J. Brown and I--

LUIGI:

Well, Pop, you hadn't ought to be creepin' around those strip gal's dressin' rooms.

BROWN:

Now, look, don't you understand? I must see her.

LUIGI:

Oh, yeah? Well, get this. Nobody goes in there but me -- Luigi Camponello -- see?

BROWN:

(REALIZES, INNOCENTLY) Oh! Are you Luigi the Lug?

LUIGI:

(TAKEN ABACK) What? (GRIM) Nobody calls me that to my face, see? And if I catch 'em callin' me that behind my back-- (DEATH SLASH) See?

BROWN:

Oh, yes. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Luigi. I really am. But I have just got to see Miss La Tour. You see, I want her to do her entire (CHUCKLES) routine for me and--

LUIGI:

Listen, wise guy, better scram before I scalp that pointed beard of yours!

SOUND:

LUIGI MANHANDLES BROWN AND SHOVES HIM VIOLENTLY OUT THE DOOR DURING FOLLOWING--

BROWN:

Ah! Now, look, you don't understand, sir! I must see Miss La Tour! She must do her dance for me! I--!

LUIGI:

Go on, creep! Beat it! Out you go and don't come back!

SOUND:

CRASH!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND BROWN--

BROWN:

(NARRATES) Well, I was desperate. She - she wouldn't answer her telescreen. I sent her numerous notes, which she returned unopened. And then one evening, just when I least expected it--

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR OPENS ... HELEN'S STEPS IN .. DOOR CLOSES

HELEN:

Hiya, doc!

BROWN:

Miss La Tour! Well! Are you ready to continue with our experiments?

HELEN:

I ain't here for any experiments.

BROWN:

Well, then, why did you--?

HELEN:

I've been practicin' that space warpin' hip wiggle in private, see? And I been meetin' all sorts of characters. But not the one I got a real interest in.

BROWN:

Er, Miss La Tour, if you have come here to--

HELEN:

Oh, I'm bored, doc. Luigi's gettin' even jealouser. So I figured if I come back to the place I'd first seen Lancelot, well-- (CHUCKLES) Never mind. So here's hopin' he'll be there. (HUMS "A PRETTY GIRL IS LIKE A MELODY" ... CONTINUES IN BG)

BROWN:

(DISMAYED) Oh, no. Oh--

HELEN:

Sweet boy, Lance. (CONTINUES TO HUM IN BG)

BROWN:

Er, Miss La Tour, please don't begin that again. No, no, no. Miss La Tour, please, please, I feel I must warn you that--

HELEN:

(STOPS HUMMING) Warn me about what?

BROWN:

Warn you that-- (TO HIMSELF) Dear. (TO HELEN) That time and space are really fluid, as that ancient philosopher Einstein suspected back in the twentieth century. You may not reach the same time-space continuum again. You may well wiggle yourself into the middle of a pharaoh's tomb. Why, perhaps even to the bottom of the Russian ocean.

HELEN:

I'll take my chances, doc. (HUMS A LITTLE) Pretty good, huh? (CONTINUES TO HUM IN BG)

BROWN:

I implore you, Miss La Tour--

HELEN:

And now, Lancelot honey, here I--

SOUND:

WEIRD COSMIC HUM ... WHEEEEEEE - POP!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN OUT BEHIND BROWN--

BROWN:

(NARRATES) Well, I waited for what seemed an eternity, but she never reappeared -- to this day. (EXHALES) And that's the story.

SOUND:

TINKLE OF ICE IN GLASS

SPELVIN:

Yeah. Er, say, professor, you mind if I grab another drink?

BROWN:

Hmm? Oh, of course not, Benny, help yourself.

SPELVIN:

Ah, thanks.

SOUND:

CLATTER OF BOTTLE AND GLASS AS SPELVIN FIXES A DRINK

SPELVIN:

I guess maybe you've been hittin' the bottle yourself lately, huh, doc?

BROWN:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, you don't believe me, do you, Mr. Spelvin? (CORRECTS HIMSELF) Benny.

SPELVIN:

Well, no, not exactly, but you gotta admit it sounds kinda--

SOUND:

CRASH! OF GLASS

BROWN:

(STARTLED) Oh!

SPELVIN:

(TERRIFIED) Luigi!

LUIGI:

(THREATENING) Okay, Pop, where is she?! Where ya keepin' her?!

BROWN:

(MORE EXASPERATED THAN SCARED) Please, Mr. Luigi. Miss La Tour is not here. I don't know exactly where she is.

LUIGI:

(TO SPELVIN) What do you know about it?!

SPELVIN:

(STAMMERS IN FEAR) Well, Mister, I never seen this guy till this evenin'. I don't know nothin'.

BROWN:

I assure you, I would like to help you, Mr. Luigi--

SOUND:

WEIRD COSMIC HUM ... WHEEEEEEE - POP!

HELEN:

(LAUGHS HEARTILY) Well, hello, suckers!

LUIGI:

(PLEASED, SLOWLY) Baby!

SPELVIN:

(ENTRANCED) The great La Tour herself.

LUIGI:

Baby, where ya been?

HELEN:

Wouldn't you like to know?

LUIGI:

So you been two-timin' me, huh, for this old goat?!

BROWN:

I assure you--

HELEN:

(INCREDULOUS) The doc? (LAUGHS) You been makin' book with the Martians too long. Naw, I go where I please -- ever since I figured how to get direction on this here wiggle.

BROWN:

Uh, look, that white robe, Miss La Tour, where did you get it?

HELEN:

This thing? The old guy I married gave it to me.

LUIGI:

Married?

BROWN:

What?

HELEN:

Yeah. And I'm gettin' fed up. Besides, I met a new fella that's got a lot more S. A. than the guy I'm hitched to now. Why, three goddesses were after him to judge their beauty contest once.

LUIGI:

You take that jet line to Atlantic City, baby?

HELEN:

(LAUGHS HEARTILY) Professor, tell this jerk what I'm talkin' about.

BROWN:

So that's why you didn't come back.

HELEN:

Yeah. I been tellin' my new boyfriend about the way I can dance. He kept pleadin' for me to do my stuff. I finally gave in. I guess I'm still a ham. Well, right after we eloped, I did my strip tease for him. I guess I must have forgotten -- added that extra wiggle. Poof! Here I am.

BROWN:

Well, where were you, Miss La Tour?

HELEN:

Oh, some crazy place. They wear sheets instead of clothes. They call 'em togas or somethin'. Listen, I gotta get back. There's gonna be some trouble 'cause Paris and me eloped.

SPELVIN:

(PUZZLED) Er, you've been in France, Miss La Tour?

HELEN:

(LAUGHS) Fella, I've been everywhere. (HUMS "A PRETTY GIRL IS LIKE A MELODY") Well, this here's La Tour's farewell tour, men. (CONTINUES TO HUM IN BG)

LUIGI:

(SCANDALIZED) Hey, baby, you ain't gonna start that routine here, are ya?

HELEN:

Shut up, creep; I gotta concentrate. (HUMS A LITTLE) This here robe sorta cramps my style. (CONTINUES TO HUM IN BG)

BROWN:

(THOUGHTFUL) You know, Miss La Tour, there must be a destiny about this.

HELEN:

Yeah, that's what my Paris keeps tellin' me. (CONTINUES TO HUM IN BG)

BROWN:

It won't seem the same on Venus without you.

LUIGI:

Oh, shut up, professor. (PLEADS, TO HELEN) Baby, stop dancin' around.

HELEN:

Out of my way, lug. I'm workin' up to the finale. (HUMS A LITTLE) So long, suckers!

LUIGI:

Helen!

BROWN:

Uh, Miss La Tour--

SOUND:

WEIRD COSMIC HUM ... WHEEEEEEE - POP!

SPELVIN:

(AMAZED) She - she - she ain't here no more.

LUIGI:

(BEAT, LIKE A WHIPPED PUP) Baby? (NO ANSWER) Helen? (NO ANSWER) Where ya hidin'? (NO ANSWER) Honey?! (NO ANSWER) HEEEEELLLLLLLEEEEEEN!

BROWN:

It's no use, Mr. Luigi. She's gone back, and this time I suspect it's forever.

LUIGI:

But she can't do that to me! (REALIZES) Ahhh-- Gone back? Where?

BROWN:

To her Paris.

LUIGI:

What?! Leave me for some Frenchman?! I'll--

BROWN:

No, no, no, no. This Paris is a part of ancient Greece. He was a young shepherd prince who stole the wife of Menelaus and thereby started the Trojan War.

LUIGI:

Huh?

BROWN:

(REALIZES) Helen-- Of course! That was her name -- Helen of Troy. Helen La Tour. The face that launched a thousand ships. Why, who would ever have believed--?

LUIGI:

(OMINOUS) Okay, Pop--

SPELVIN:

(PLEADS, TO LUIGI) Oh, mister, you can see the doc is tellin' the truth. He didn't steal your girl.

LUIGI:

Who says he did?! I'm goin' after that guy Paris! And when I find him, I'm gonna turn on the heat ray and blast him right into Ceres!

SOUND:

LUIGI STORMS TO APARTMENT DOOR, WHICH OPENS

LUIGI:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) No foreigner's gonna steal my girl!

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

ROMANCE is produced and directed by William Froug. "The Strip Teaser and the Space Warp," was written by Joseph Slotkin and featured Jack Kruschen, Parley Baer, Charlotte Lawrence, Peter Leeds, and Lou Krugman. Musical supervision by Jerry Goldsmith. Sound patterns by Ray Kemper and Bill James. This is Dan Cubberly inviting you to hear ROMANCE transcribed next week at this same time.

MUSIC:

THEME ... TILL END

ANNOUNCER:

GUNSMOKE is the action-packed dramatic series that takes place in the early days of Dodge City when a man was no taller than his gunsite and no sharper than the click of his trigger. For all-out excitement, stay tuned now for GUNSMOKE, which follows immediately over most of these same stations.