SOUND:

MAISIE'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... A MAN GIVES HER A BIG "WOLF WHISTLE," THEN A SECOND MAN GIVES HER A SIMILAR WHISTLE ... BUT SHE IGNORES THEM AND KEEPS WALKING UNTIL--

MAN ON THE STREET:

Hiya, babe! Say, how about--?

SOUND:

MAISIE SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE

MAN ON THE STREET:

Ouch!

MAISIE:

Does that answer your question, buddy?

MUSIC:

TAG ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

"The Adventures of Maisie," starring Ann Sothern.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

You all remember Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's famous "Maisie" pictures. Now in just a moment you'll hear Maisie in radio, starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen -- Ann Sothern. But first, your announcer.

MUSIC:

FILLS PAUSE FOR LOCAL ANNOUNCER'S SPIEL, THEN FADES OUT ... THEN A BRIEF FANFARE ... THEN IN BG, EVENTUALLY FADING OUT BEHIND MAISIE--

ANNOUNCER:

And now here's Ann Sothern as Maisie.

MAISIE:

(NARRATES) Yep, I'm Maisie, like the man said. Maisie Ravier. I was born in Brooklyn in Nineteen Hundred and-- Well, I was born in Brooklyn. You know, there's an old saying that "clothes make the man." I got a little story that proves that clothes also make the woman, if you know what I mean. It all started back in London, England. I'd gone over there with a musical revue called "Humpty Dumpty." But if you think Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall you should have seen our flop. So there I was -- stranded in London, broke as usual. Luckily I managed to get a job as a model at one of them hoity-toity dress saloons-- Er, I mean sal_ons_ -- that catered strictly to women born with silver spoons in their mouths. Well, one day, a couple of us mannequins were modelin' gowns for one of them stuffy titled dames-- (FADES OUT)

TURNBULL:

(ANXIOUS TO PLEASE) And this, Lady Smythe, is a creation of which Turnbull and Company is especially proud. I should like to call Your Ladyship's attention to the plunging neckline.

PAMELA:

(WITH DISDAIN) I shouldn't think it would be necessary to call anyone's attention to the neckline, Mr. Turnbull. Plunging indeed. It looks to me as if it were torpedoed. Remove it from my sight at once!

TURNBULL:

Oh, but, Your Ladyship, this is an exact replica of what is being worn in America.

PAMELA:

Mr. Turnbull, what is considered "quite the thing" in the colonies does not interest me in the least. Remember, I am an Englishwoman, not an Indian. And if you have nothing more suitable to show me, I will just--

TURNBULL:

(INTERRUPTS) Oh, we do, Your Ladyship. We've just scads and scads and scads of the very latest -- the very, very latest. (CALLS) Next, please! Next, please! Come on, come on, come on now!

MAISIE:

(NARRATES) While the next model paraded in front of her royal hastiness, I peeked through the curtains to get a closer look.

TURNBULL:

Ah, this gown, Your Ladyship, we consider poetry -- sheer poetry!

PAMELA:

I consider it waste -- sheer waste! Kindly remove it from my sight!

TURNBULL:

Yes, Your Ladyship -- at once.

MAISIE:

(NARRATES) Nothin' seemed to please this warmed-over Yorkshire pudding. Her reaction to each gowned model was the same -- one nostril went up like she was tryin' to smell somethin', and the other one looked like she had just smelled it. Too bad, too. Because she was young and beautiful.

TURNBULL:

Next, please! (NO RESPONSE) Miss Ravier! Her Ladyship is waiting!

MAISIE:

(APPROACHES) Oh, coming, Mr. Turnbull -- coming!

TURNBULL:

Ah, Your Ladyship, here we have the very ultimate in gowns "pour la danse." Chic, revealing, and yet it exercises a certain restraint.

PAMELA:

I should like to examine it a bit closer. Come here, girl.

MAISIE:

Oh, sure, Lady Smith.

PAMELA:

(OFFENDED) If you don't mind, girl, my name is not Smith. It is Lady Smythe!

MAISIE:

Oh, sorry, for-gyve me. I mean forgive me, Lady Smythe.

TURNBULL:

(A LITTLE STERN) Miss Ravier! If you don't mind, I believe Her Ladyship would like to see the back.

MAISIE:

Oh, righto!

SOUND:

MAISIE TURNS AROUND

TURNBULL:

There you are, Lady Smythe.

PAMELA:

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

TURNBULL:

(PLEASED) Ah! Well, I see you are impressed.

PAMELA:

Nauseated is more descriptive of my reaction, Mr. Turnbull.

TURNBULL:

Nauseated?

PAMELA:

That gown leaves hardly anything to the imagination.

TURNBULL:

But, Your Ladyship, after all, an evening gown is--

MAISIE:

(INTERRUPTS HELPFULLY) Is like a picket fence; it's supposed to protect the property and not obstruct the view. (CHUCKLES)

TURNBULL:

(AMUSED) Yes. Yes. Very well put, Miss Ravier. Very well, indeed.

MAISIE:

Yeah, I thought so.

TURNBULL:

Don't you think so, Your Ladyship?

PAMELA:

If you really want to know, the vulgarity of this "person" herself--

TURNBULL:

(INTERRUPTS SMOOTHLY) A little fur chapeau also comes with it.

MAISIE:

Yes, Your Ladyship, and it's just your type, too -- skunk.

PAMELA:

(INHALES EXTRAVAGANTLY) Well! I've never been so insulted in all my life!

MAISIE:

Well, maybe you should be, dearie, so's you'll know how it feels to take it instead of just dishin' it out.

TURNBULL:

(CAUTIONS) Miss Ravier, Her Ladyship is a customer here.

PAMELA:

I demand that this uncouth person be discharged at once!

MAISIE:

(A BIT RUEFUL) You do not have to "demand," kiddo. I know I'm gettin' the gate. And I needed this job, too. But I also need my self-respect, too.

PAMELA:

Self-respect, indeed. And what would you Americans know about respect?

MAISIE:

Well! That cuts it. Now sit back and listen, Smitty--

PAMELA:

Mr. Turnbull, are you going to stand by and hear me insulted?!

TURNBULL:

Well, frankly, I hadn't planned on it, Your Ladyship, but now that you've mentioned it, I do believe I'd rather enjoy it. (CHUCKLES, MERRILY) Carry on, Miss Ravier.

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES) Aye aye, chum!

PAMELA:

Mr. Turnbull! I will never purchase another thing in this shop!

TURNBULL:

You never have, Your Ladyship.

PAMELA:

Well! I've never been talked to this way in my life!

MAISIE:

That's just the trouble with your circle. Ever since you were born you've been travelin' in one.

PAMELA:

What?

MAISIE:

You never gave anything. Just took what you thought was comin' to ya. In other words, you and your kind are just - just--

TURNBULL:

Parasites?

MAISIE:

Yes. Thank you, Mr. Turnbull.

TURNBULL:

Keep at it, Miss Ravier. You're doing quite well. Or, as you say in America, you're cooking with petrol.

MAISIE:

(AMUSED) Hm! (SERIOUS) Lady Smythe, I've been around quite a bit. I've seen a lot of this world. And when you really get down to it the only difference between rich people and poor people is that rich people are only poor people with money.

PAMELA:

Are you quite finished, Miss Ravier?

MAISIE:

Quite.

PAMELA:

Thank you. Good day!

SOUND:

PAMELA'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT AS SHE EXITS

TURNBULL:

(RELIEVED, PLEASED) Oh - oh -

MAISIE:

(SIGHS, APOLOGETIC) Well, I guess I might as well get off my soapbox, Mr. Turnbull. I'm - I'm sorry I ruined the sale for you.

TURNBULL:

Not at all, Miss Ravier. I enjoyed the, er, (CHUCKLES) - the "ruining" immensely.

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES) Well, I didn't mean to lay it on so thick, but--

TURNBULL:

Oh, but if I may be permitted to make a comment. Some of those things that you implied were quite true. But while you were haranguing Lady Smythe, Miss Ravier, I had an idea which I would like very much to discuss with you - later.

MAISIE:

Later? Why not now?

TURNBULL:

Oh, come, come. We can't possibly discuss it now. It's - it's five o'clock! It's - it's time for tea.

MAISIE:

(AMUSED) Oh, yes. One mustn't miss tea, must one?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RESTAURANT BACKGROUND

HENRI:

Er, would this table do, Monsieur Turnbull?

TURNBULL:

Ideal, Henri, ideal. Don't you think so, Miss Ravier?

MAISIE:

(UNEASY) Well, um, frankly, I'd feel less conspicuous in a corner someplace, Mr. Turnbull. Everybody seems to be starin' at us right here in the center of the joint-- I mean, restaurant.

TURNBULL:

Why, that's exactly why I asked Henri to seat us here. (SLY) You are, er-- heh! -- instructed to, er, "trappe"?

HENRI:

(AMUSED) Yah, eh?

TURNBULL:

(WITH A WINK) N'est-ce pas, Henri?

HENRI:

(KNOWINGLY) Ah, vais certainment, Monsieur!

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES UNCOMPREHENDINGLY) Gracias, Monsieur.

TURNBULL:

(EXHALES AS THEY SIT) Well, er, now that we are seated, Miss Ravier, shall we order first?

MAISIE:

(UNEASY) First? Um, Mr. Turnbull, I think I should set you straight before we go any further.

TURNBULL:

Set me straight? Why, I don't believe I understand, my dear.

MAISIE:

Well, I--

HENRI:

(INTERRUPTS) Pardon. Would Monsieur and Mam'selle care to order now?

MAISIE:

Well, Mam'selle ain't finished yet. Mr. Turnbull, um, about these clothes I'm wearing--

TURNBULL:

Beautiful, Miss Ravier, positively beautiful. The very finest ever created by Turnbull and Company. And on you, my dear, they're positively stunning. (WITH A WINK) N'est-ce pas, Henri?

HENRI:

(SOMETHING COMPLIMENTARY IN FRENCH) Ah, tout [?], mam'selle.

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES UNCOMPREHENDINGLY) Oh, thank you. (UNEASY) Er, Mr. Turnbull, I agreed to wear this outfit from your shop because you insisted on it and, well, I'm grateful for a chance to wear nice things. I'm - I'm very grateful.

TURNBULL:

(REASSURING) Oh, come come come, my dear. You really owe me nothing.

MAISIE:

(SUDDENLY HEARTY) Good! Now that that's cleared up, let's eat!

TURNBULL:

(EXHALES, CLEARS THROAT) Well, I - I believe we shall order now, Henri. Would you care for a spot of tea, Miss Ravier?

MAISIE:

Oh, no. If it's all the same to you, I think I'd prefer a drip of coffee.

HENRI:

Very well. (WRITES IT DOWN) One - drip - coffee.

TURNBULL:

I'll just have tea.

HENRI:

Ah, oui, monsieur.

MAISIE:

Hmm. Gee, Mr. Turnbull, an outfit like this is one of the weaknesses of the weaker sex. (CHUCKLES) I wish I could always wear clothes like this.

TURNBULL:

(SLY) You can, Miss Ravier. That is what I want to talk to you about.

MAISIE:

(BEAT, UNHAPPY) Well, so long, Mr. Turnbull.

TURNBULL:

Oh, no, no, please, Miss Ravier. Now, don't be foolish.

MAISIE:

This may be a surprise to you, sonny, but there are certain items that are not included in lend-lease.

TURNBULL:

Miss Ravier, look at me. Do I seem like the kind of man that your - that your insinuation suggests?

MAISIE:

No. But just because the tea kettle don't whistle, don't mean that there ain't somethin' cookin' inside.

TURNBULL:

(DISMAYED) Oh. (PERSUASIVE) Miss Ravier, you are a very attractive woman. You wear clothes divinely. My clothes.

MAISIE:

(DRY) Uh huh.

TURNBULL:

Now, when you entered this restaurant, you caused quite the effect that I had anticipated. The ladies here, they thought you were something other than a professional mannequin.

MAISIE:

(DRY) The ladies weren't the only ones who thought that.

TURNBULL:

The first thing that came into all those women's minds was. "Where did she get those clothes?"

MAISIE:

That was the second thing that came into their minds.

TURNBULL:

Miss Ravier, how would you like to wear clothes like that always, go to the most exclusive hotels and resorts, and have more than enough money not to have to worry about tomorrow?

MAISIE:

Hmm. No strings?

TURNBULL:

No strings.

MAISIE:

What's the gimmick?

TURNBULL:

(PUZZLED) Gimmick? Gimmick?

MAISIE:

What do I have to do to win this British quiz program?

TURNBULL:

Well, Miss Ravier, since the war, barely enough customers have patronized my salon to pay the overhead.

MAISIE:

Mm hm.

TURNBULL:

At one time the rich came to my salon from all over England.

MAISIE:

Well, you can't expect that any more, Mr. Turnbull. Now that gasoline -- I mean, petrol -- is rationed, even the rich can't afford to travel to Turnbull and Company.

TURNBULL:

Exactly! But there is no reason why Turnbull and Company can't travel to the rich.

MAISIE:

(UNDERSTANDS) Oh! You mean sort of a traveling salesman?

TURNBULL:

No. A traveling sales_woman_, Miss Ravier. In other words, you.

MAISIE:

Me?! (CHUCKLES) I never sold clothes in my life.

TURNBULL:

You wouldn't have to sell. You'd just travel around at my expense to where the rich congregate.

MAISIE:

(UNDERSTANDS) Oh, and all I have to do is casually mention where each garment I'm wearing is from, and the price?

TURNBULL:

Exactly!

MAISIE:

(RELIEVED) Oh!

TURNBULL:

And when the ladies notice how the eyes of their attentive swains and husbands wander from their drab selves to your-- To your, uh-- (HEMS AND HAWS)

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES) Go on, Mr. Turnbull. I think I see what you mean.

TURNBULL:

Well, vanity will find a way to get to my shop in London and to purchase replicas of the clothes that you have literally been modeling.

MAISIE:

Oh, and for this, I'll have all the things I ever wanted to wear.

TURNBULL:

Yes. However, there's one slight catch.

MAISIE:

(UNHAPPY) Well, this is where I came in.

TURNBULL:

I mean, Miss Ravier, frankly many of the best families in England, they don't quite understand Americans.

MAISIE:

No?

TURNBULL:

You're an actress, I know. I saw you. I saw the show you were in.

MAISIE:

Oh ho, so you were the one! (CHUCKLES)

TURNBULL:

(CHUCKLES) And, well, if you would sort of act as if you were British.

MAISIE:

Oh. Well, what do you think of this? (ADOPTS CLASSY BRITISH ACCENT) Oh! How do you do, old flute, old bean, old whatnot? Just received word from home that Pater and Mater were run down and killed by a tram. (INHALES SHARPLY) Well, who's for tennis?

TURNBULL:

(CHUCKLES) Good. Very good. (SATISFIED) Well, Miss Ravier, what do you say? Do you accept?

MAISIE:

Well--

SOUND:

CUPS SET DOWN BEHIND--

HENRI:

Here's your tea, Monsieur Turnbull. And your coffee, mam'selle.

MAISIE:

(BRITISH ACCENT) So sorry to inconvenience you, old chap, but I should prefer tea.

HENRI:

Tea? Is mam'selle changing her order?

MAISIE:

No, just my nationality. (STIFF, RESTRAINED HIGH-CLASS BRITISH LAUGH) A-ha, a-ha, a-ha.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

"The Adventures of Maisie," starring Ann Sothern, will continue in just a moment.

MUSIC:

FILLS PAUSE, THEN FADES OUT

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT WITH SOUND--

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to Maisie.

SOUND:

HOTEL DESK BELL RINGS A FEW TIMES

TONY:

(IMPATIENT, PRONOUNCED "CLARK") Clerk? Clerk?

CLERK:

Oh, yes, Lord Deveridge. I was just in the process of sortin' the mornin' post. There's the usual letter for you, Your Lordship.

TONY:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) From Lady Smythe, I presume.

CLERK:

Yes, sir.

TONY:

Tear it up.

CLERK:

Destroy it, sir? Oh, but-but-but it's scented. (INHALES BROADLY) Oh, the most exotic perfume!

TONY:

Very well, clerk, you may smell it a few more times and then tear it up.

CLERK:

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

TONY:

(EXHALES WEARILY) Oh, dear. My only purpose in coming to this dull resort was to escape the obvious marital net that untiring woman seems determined to draw me into. However, I really didn't come here to burden you with "l'affaire Smythe." Would you be kind enough to telephone the groom at the stables and ask him to saddle up that gray stallion, er, Firefly, like a good fellow?

CLERK:

Firefly, Your Lordship? Isn't he a bit, er, spirited?

TONY:

Quite. Certainly your social staff can conjure up some activities more blood-tingling than whist or pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

CLERK:

Oh, but, Your Lordship, Kensington Lodge has always been a vacation resort for, ah-- Well, people of more advanced years.

TONY:

Perhaps, but if some of your agèd guests don't do something besides just sitting around under trees, they're liable to take root. (EXHALES) I'd give ten pounds right now if I could feast my eyes on an exciting beautiful woman.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS, OFF

MAISIE:

(OFF, BRITISH ACCENT) Porter! Do be careful with my luggage!

TONY:

(LOW, PLEASED) I say! Look over there.

MAISIE:

(OFF, LOUD FOR THE BENEFIT OF ALL) My entire wardrobe -- consisting of thirty-four complete ensembles from Turnbull and Company, Three Twenty-Six Drury Lane, London, alterations made free -- is in there!

TONY:

Clerk, I owe you ten pounds.

CLERK:

(GASPS) Oh, she does seem quite attractive, Your Lordship.

TONY:

Quite. The American GIs had an expression that aptly described that particular type of attractiveness. I believe the phrase was, er-- (A QUIET WOLF WHISTLE) Or, er, words to that effect.

MAISIE:

(APPROACHES) Oh, come, come, chaps. Kindly deposit my luggage at the desk and scamper out to my limousine and help my chauffeur and foot men-- I mean "feetmen." I have two, you know. Do help him, will you?

BELLHOP:

Yes, at once, madam. (BEAT, IMPRESSED WITH TIP) Oh, thank you, madam!

MAISIE:

Oh, not at all, my good chap. Surely you've been given five-pound tips before.

CLERK:

(LOW, TO TONY) Five-pound tip, Your Lordship? She must be very wealthy -- or American.

TONY:

(THOUGHTFUL) Hard to tell what she is with that accent.

MAISIE:

Yes, set down my hatbox here, boy, and be careful. It's just full of my new château. (CHUCKLES) I mean chapeau.

CLERK:

(TO TONY) Pardon me, Your Lordship. (TO MAISIE) Yes, madam? What may we do for you?

MAISIE:

Oh, er, good afternoon, clerk. My good friend, Mr. Turnbull of Turnbull and Company -- creators of the very utterly art in feminine apparel, established in Nineteen Twenty-Five -- wired ahead, I do believe, for accommodations --- don't you know?

CLERK:

Oh, but of course, your grace.

MAISIE:

Oh, no. No, I'm Maisie, silly. Maisie Ravier.

CLERK:

I mean, yes, Lady Ravier.

MAISIE:

If he failed to send the wire, I should be livid, but absolutely livid-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Er-- Lady Ravier?

CLERK:

Oh, I do hope there's been no mistake. But here's Mr. Turnbull's wire: (READS) "Kindly book a suite for a Lady Maisie Ravier."

MAISIE:

(TO HERSELF, NORMAL VOICE, DISMAYED) Oh, gee. The telegraph company left out a comma. It was supposed to say, "Book a suite for a lady, comma, Maisie Ravier."

TONY:

(APPROACHES) I believe you dropped your glove, Lady Ravier.

MAISIE:

(BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, thenk you. (BEAT, IMPRESSED WITH HIS GOOD LOOKS) Well! (CHUCKLES) Thank you very much.

CLERK:

You were saying, Lady Ravier--? Something about a comma, I believe.

MAISIE:

Oh, yes, yes. I - I was saying that, should I like it here, I should be very glad to come again. (CHUCKLES) Don't you know?

CLERK:

Oh, I see, I see.

TONY:

I'm quite certain that you'll enjoy your stay here, Lady Ravier. Er, would you think it too presumptuous of me if I were to ask you to join me for tea?

MAISIE:

Well! Aren't you the pushy one? I am not in the habit of partaking of tea with strangers, my good fellow.

TONY:

Oh. Well, I, uh-- I'm Lord Antony Deveridge, Lady Ravier.

MAISIE:

Oh. Well, now that we've been introduced, I suppose it's all right.

TONY:

Well, that's very charming of you. Er, shall we say, out on the terrace, um, about four-thirtyish?

MAISIE:

Oh, well, I'm practically parched, Lord Deveridge. Could we perchance make that three-thirtyish?

TONY:

Delighted, my dear girl, delighted. I merely suggested a later hour to give you ample time to shower or tub.

MAISIE:

Oh, well, I'm much too, too parched to shower or tub. I believe this time I shall just basin. (CHUCKLES)

TONY:

Ah, yes. "Basin." You have a delightful sense of humor, Lady Ravier. I'm frightfully glad we've met. Frightfully.

MAISIE:

Oh, frightfully, don't you know? (CHUCKLES)

CLERK:

I've just checked with the housekeeper and I believe your suite is all ready for occupancy. I shall have your luggage brought up immediately.

MAISIE:

Oh, thank you, my good man. Here! This is for you.

CLERK:

(IMPRESSED BY THE TIP) Oh, thank you, thank you, indeed.

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES)

SOUND:

TONY AND MAISIE'S FOOTSTEPS TO THE LIFT, IN BG

TONY:

I was just going upstairs to my suite to change. Lady Ravier, perhaps we can ride up together in the same lift, hm?

MAISIE:

Oh, well, don't you think it might be safer in the elevator?

TONY:

Elevator?

MAISIE:

(YES) Mmm.

TONY:

Oh, isn't that the term used in America for a lift?

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yes, now that you mention it. I'm afraid I've been going to too many of those cinemas made out there in the colonies. You know, where a girl meets a man one minute and--

TONY:

Yes, and then the next minute he invites her to dine?

MAISIE:

Yes. Things just don't happen that way in real life. Why, sometimes he doesn't even know what she really is.

TONY:

How true.

MAISIE:

(YES) Mmm.

TONY:

And then scarcely two minutes after they've met, the boy and the girl always subconsciously find themselves calling each other by their first names.

MAISIE:

Yes, so untrue to real life, what?

TONY:

Quite untrue.

MAISIE:

Yes. Well, I'll meet you at three-thirty for tea, Tony.

TONY:

And I'll be waiting impatiently, Maisie.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MAISIE:

(NARRATES, WISTFUL, NORMAL VOICE) Well, the first moment Tony and me sipped our tea together I knew I was a real gone gal. I forgot that I was just a clothes horse for the Turnbull company, because, in the week that followed, Tony treated me like a thoroughbred. Maybe it was the tender way he lifted me onto my horse every time we went riding, and the gentle way he arranged the cushions on my chair after I came back. Maybe it was because for the first time in my life I was treated like a lady, not like just a dame. Oh, I tried to tell him the truth about me several times, but somehow the subject always got changed. Or maybe I didn't try hard enough. Anyway, I remember one afternoon out in the terrace I was havin' tea with Tony again. He didn't know it, but I was leavin' the hotel that night. I'd wired Mr. Turnbull I was comin' home and callin' the whole arrangement off. Now, while I was sittin' there at the table with Tony, I tried to think up the words to tell him that I was an all-American phony -- and hope that maybe he would understand.

SOUND:

CLINK OF TEA CUP

TONY:

Tea, Maisie?

MAISIE:

(ABSENTLY) Hm?

TONY:

Oh, you've been miles away. Don't you think it's time to come down to earth?

MAISIE:

(SADLY) Yes, down to earth. (A DEEP BREATH) Tony--?

TONY:

Yes, my dear?

MAISIE:

Tony, I - I - I -

TONY:

Yes?

MAISIE:

(EXHALES HELPLESSLY, BRITISH ACCENT) I think I'll have a cup of tea.

TONY:

Oh, why, certainly, my dear.

SOUND:

TEA POURED

TONY:

You know, you seem a bit pale this evening. This tea will brace you up, make you feel like another person.

MAISIE:

That's exactly my trouble, Tony. Since I've met you, I actually do feel like another person.

TONY:

(LOVINGLY) Oh, Maisie, my darling. I - I was hoping that you thought that way, because-- Well, since I met you, I--

MAISIE:

Oh, please, Tony. Before you say anything, I'd - I'd like to ask you something.

TONY:

Oh, yes, my dear. Anything your heart desires. Anything.

MAISIE:

Tony--?

TONY:

Yes, my dear?

MAISIE:

Would you--? Would you--?

TONY:

Yes?

MAISIE:

(EXHALES HELPLESSLY) Would you pass the lemon?

TONY:

Oh, certainly, my dear. Here.

SOUND:

LEMON PASSED

TONY:

Er, crumpet?

MAISIE:

(SADLY) No, just squeeze it.

TONY:

Hm? Maisie darling, are you sure that you're all right?

MAISIE:

Yes, Tony. I've got to tell you something that's been on my mind since - since that day.

TONY:

And I have to tell you something, too, Maisie. I've changed my mind about those "boy and girl" films that they make in Hollywood. Maisie--

MAISIE:

Please, Tony. Me first.

TONY:

Oh, yes. Naturally, my dear. Ladies first, what?

MAISIE:

Well, that's the trouble, Tony. I'm not a real--

SOUND:

PAMELA'S STEPS APPROACH

PAMELA:

(INTERRUPTS, APPROACHES, MERRILY) Oh, hello, Tony! I do hope I'm not intruding.

TONY:

(SURPRISED, UNHAPPY) Pamela -- where did you come from?

PAMELA:

London, my dear chap. Just thought I'd drop by and claim my letters that you obviously haven't read.

MAISIE:

(COUGHS HEARTILY)

SOUND:

CLATTER OF TABLEWARE AS MAISIE COVERS HER FACE WITH A NAPKIN

TONY:

Maisie darling, what's happened? What in the world are you doing with that napkin over your face?

MAISIE:

(MUFFLED) The spoon. It stuck me in the eye when I drank my cup of tea.

TONY:

Oh, my poor darling. Look, perhaps I can help. Let me see you.

PAMELA:

(ICILY) Yes, my dear! I should like to see Tony's "darling," too! Perhaps that will explain why you haven't replied to my letters.

MAISIE:

(MUFFLED) Take your friend away someplace and talk, Tony, and don't bother about me. The spoon isn't stuck in there very deep, you know.

TONY:

Why, don't be ridiculous, my darling. I wouldn't want any infection to set in. There, now let Tony remove the napkin, hm? There's a big girl. There.

PAMELA:

(SARCASTIC) Well! I do hope it's nothing trivial. (BIG GASP OF RECOGNITION) You!

MAISIE:

(MISERABLE, DEEP VOICE) Hello.

TONY:

(SURPRISED) Pamela, have you and Lady Ravier met?

PAMELA:

Lady Ravier?! Tony, this girl is an impostor!

TONY:

Pamela, I know you're just a jealous cat, but I will not have you talk in that manner to my fiancée.

PAMELA:

Fiancée?! Tony, are you insane?!

MAISIE:

(NORMAL VOICE, RUEFUL) No, kiddo, I'm the cookie that's insane.

TONY:

Wha--? Maisie! Your accent. Is this some sort of a game?

PAMELA:

Obviously, darling! A game of blind man's bluff. You're obviously the blind man.

MAISIE:

Yeah, and you just called my bluff. Shall I do the honors, Lady Smythe, or would you like to tell Lord Deveridge the sad story of Maisie Ravier, girl schmo?

TONY:

Schmo?

PAMELA:

That, I believe, is American -- for stinker.

MAISIE:

Well, that's pretty close, honey, but if you don't mind, I'll take it from here.

PAMELA:

Very well, my dear. Tony, if you want me -- and after this - this shop girl finishes her sordid tale, I imagine you will -- I'll be at the airport. I'm flying back to London this afternoon. (MOVING OFF) Goodbye.

SOUND:

PAMELA'S STEPS AWAY

MAISIE:

(CALLS AFTER HER, SARCASTIC) Goodbye, darling, have a pleasant trip. And be careful that you don't fall off your broom!

TONY:

Maisie--? Maisie, I just can't understand any of this.

MAISIE:

(SADLY) No. No, when you're born with everything, I guess it ain't easy. What I've been tryin' to tell you all along, Lord Deveridge, is that I'm just a sort of travelin' clothes horse for Turnbull and Company.

TONY:

(UNDERSTANDS) Ohhhh. So that's the reason for the continual (RAPIDLY) "Three Hundred and Twenty-Six Drury Lane, London, alterations made while you wait." (CHUCKLES)

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, it was strictly business that I met you. And then-- Well, I guess the moon got in my eyes.

TONY:

Maisie, you remember those American films we've been talking about?

MAISIE:

Yeah, "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy finds girl." Well, you found me, and believe me, brother, right now I'd like to get lost.

TONY:

Well, I don't want you to get lost, Maisie. There are other films, too, remember? Er, rich man meets shop girl, rich man falls for shop girl--

MAISIE:

Shop girl goes back to shop?

TONY:

But rich man follows her and they live happily ever after.

MAISIE:

(WARMLY) Yeah. Ha ha. (SAD AGAIN) Oh, honey, you'd never sell that to an American producer. It's too commercial.

TONY:

Are you, Maisie? I mean, it wasn't only money in my case, hm?

MAISIE:

Oh, no - it wasn't.

TONY:

Well then, it wasn't only your rather extensive wardrobe nor your physical beauty with me, either.

MAISIE:

Oh. I know what you're tryin' to say, Tony, and thanks. But it won't work.

TONY:

Why not?

MAISIE:

Well, you're caviar and me, I'm - I'm pickles.

TONY:

(CHUCKLES) Well, pickles and caviar go rather well together when they're eaten.

MAISIE:

Yeah, but after a while it can make you awful sick.

TONY:

I wouldn't mind -- if you were mine.

MAISIE:

No, Tony. We're from different worlds -- and I just don't fit into yours. You're a lord, remember, and I'm not a lady.

TONY:

(WITH FINALITY) No, you're wrong, Maisie. You may not have that so-called blue blood in your veins, but you certainly are a lady.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

In just a moment we shall return to "The Adventures of Maisie."

MUSIC:

FILLS PAUSE, THEN FADES OUT

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG--

ANNOUNCER:

And now once again here's Maisie.

MAISIE:

(NARRATES) Well, that's the story of Cinderella and her Prince Charming. Maybe some of you are sayin' that I should have married Tony and see what happened; that marriage is a wonderful institution. Well, maybe marriage is a wonderful institution, but Tony and me, we just didn't talk the same language. There's one thing I did learn, though: it's always better to tell the truth than lie. At least when you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said. Well, get along there, feet. London is miles away.

SOUND:

MAISIE'S STEPS TRUDGE AWAY

MUSIC:

UP FOR TAG

ANNOUNCER:

You've just heard "The Adventures of Maisie," starring Ann Sothern.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

"Maisie" was written by Arthur Phillips. Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. Supporting cast included Lurene Tuttle, Ramsey Hill, Ben Wright, Marvin Miller and Alec Harford. Jack McCoy speaking.