FORMAN:
Good health to all from Rexall!
MUSIC:
THEME UP, THEN OUT AFTER FIRST SENTENCE
FORMAN:
It's the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Presented by the makers of Rexall drug products, and ten-thousand independent Rexall family druggists.
DRUGGIST:
This is your Rexall family druggist, here to say good evening and welcome, from all ten-thousand of us. The ten-thousand independent druggists who have made the word REXALL part of our own store names. You've learned to know us by the orange and blue REXALL sign on our windows. But still another identification is that we carry the two-thousand or more drug products made by the Rexall Drug Company. Like Bismarex, for example.
This soothing antacid is one of Rexall's most famous products, for good reasons. Its scientifically balanced ingredients vary in the time required for solubility. So that Bismarex works in a continuous relay to bring you prompt and prolonged relief from acid indigestion. Year in and year out quality like this is what we family druggists are talking about when we tell you, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name REXALL.
MUSIC:
REXALL FANFARE UP, THEN UNDER
FORMAN:
Good health to all, from Rexall!
MUSIC:
THEME UP, THEN UNDER
FORMAN:
And now, your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevillat. With Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Roos, Anne Whitfield, Walter Scharf and his music, yours truly Bill Forman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris!
MUSIC:
"ROSE ROOM" UP, THEN OUT
FORMAN:
Yesterday, the Rexall Company's Board of Directors had a special meeting to discuss a proposed television show. It concerns Phil and Alice. So, let's go back to yesterday's meeting. Mr. Scott is speaking.
SCOTT:
And so, gentlemen, I am in favour of doing a television show starring Phil Harris.
EXEC 1:
But J.S.! Do you think it's advisable to let the public see what Harris looks like?
SCOTT:
Oh, he doesn't look that bad. Besides, I don't think we'll get any complaints, as long as we don't put the show on around dinnertime.
EXEC 2:
Oh, Harris might be all right for television. I don't care much for him personally, but he seems to go great with the women. My wife raves about him! She thinks he's a fine actor, a very funny comedian, and a splendid singer!
SCOTT:
Your...wife?
EXEC 2:
M-hm.
SCOTT:
I-- I didn't know you were married. I've been over to your house a number of times. I've never met your wife.
EXEC 2:
(EMBARRASSED) I know, Sir. We... keep her up in the attic.
SCOTT:
A wise move. Well, gentlemen, let's at least test Harris for television.
EXEC 1:
Very well. Let's have a few cameras at his radio rehearsal tomorrow, and see how he photographs.
MUSIC:
BRIGHT TRANSITIONAL, UP, THEN OUT
PHYLLIS:
Mommy, what's taking Daddy so long to come down, this morning?
FAYE:
Oh, he's getting dressed for our rehearsal. They're televising it today, and he wants to look good for the cameras.
ALICE:
What's Daddy going to wear?
FAYE:
Well, I don't know, but he's a smart showman. He's been watching television for years now, and he knows what the public likes. (CALLING) Phil? Are you ready?
HARRIS:
(APPROACHING) Ah reckon ah'm a hankerin' to hit the trail, Maw!
FAYE:
Phil, what are you made up for? What have you got on?
HARRIS:
Mah Hopalong Cassidy outfit, gal! Ah know what plays in tellyvision.
FAYE:
Oh, for heaven's sake, Phil! Take that outfit off! You--
HARRIS:
Stop chawin' yer cud, woman. Just saddle yer pinto Clyde, an' let's head fer the ol' video corral!
PHYLLIS:
Gee, Daddy, you don't look like Hoppy. You make a silly-looking cowboy.
HARRIS:
Smile when yuh say that, Little Beaver!
FAYE:
Oh, Phil, you don't have to be a cowboy. There are a lot of things you can do to be successful in television.
HARRIS:
Like what?
FAYE:
Well, you can either be a wrestler, give cooking lessons, or become a talking dragon.
HARRIS:
I could become a marching cigarette too. Look, I can't miss bein' a big hit as a cowboy. All I need is a catchy name, like Hopalong Cassidy. Uh, it should be a name that fits my character, though.
WILLIE:
How about Stagger-Around Harris?
HARRIS:
Well, if it ain't the dude from Horner's Corner! Come on in, Tenderhead! Pull up a hot brandin' iron, and siddown!
WILLIE:
Philip, what on earth are you doing in that cowboy suit?
FAYE:
Oh, we're auditioning our show for television, and he thinks this is the best way to do it.
WILLIE:
Well, Philip, if you insist on going into television, don't mimic anybody. Be yourself. I know that sounds dull, but with good writing, you might pull mediocre.
HARRIS:
Don't worry about me. Alice is the one we have to worry about.
FAYE:
Me?
HARRIS:
Yeah. How do I know you'll photograph? After all, you're not Betty Grable, and--
FAYE:
HOLD IT! What makes you think Betty Grable would be better than me in television?
HARRIS:
Oh, she can't miss. She's got a lotta personality.
FAYE:
I've got just as much personality.
HARRIS:
She's very photogenic.
FAYE:
I'm just as photogenic.
HARRIS:
She's still in pictures.
FAYE:
(BRONX) Ah, yer fadder takes Four-Way Cold Tablets! (DOWN) Of course, if you'd rather have Betty Grable on the show instead of me, I--
HARRIS:
Aw, honey, stop with that. I'm only kiddin'.
FAYE:
Oh, I don't know...
HARRIS:
I don't want anybody but you, Baby. (GETTING ROMANTIC) I'm nuts about you.
FAYE:
Mmmm...
HARRIS:
Ah, kid, you're my everything.
FAYE:
M-hmmm... You couldn't live without me, could you?
HARRIS:
Oh, I could live without you. I'd just have to go to work, that's all. You know somethin'? You're gonna be great in television, honey! I can't wait to hear you sing!
FAYE:
(QUICKLY) Neither can I, so I'll do it right now!
FAYE'S SONG:
"LOOK WHAT YOU DONE"
HARRIS:
That was swell, Alice!
FAYE:
Oh, thanks. Hey, look, we have to get down to rehearsal. So, go upstairs and take off that outfit, Pony Boy. You look silly!
HARRIS:
I do not! I'll make a very dashing cowboy.
SFX:
DOORBELL
HARRIS:
Oh, I'll get that. That's probably Frankie.
SFX:
WALKS TO DOOR, UNDER
HARRIS:
(TO HIMSELF) Oh, wait til he sees me in this outfit! Oh, he'll love it!
SFX:
OPENS DOOR
FRANKIE:
Hiya, Curly! I thought--
HARRIS:
Howdy, strahnger! You must be the new Marshall, down from Red Gulch!
FRANKIE:
Huh?
HARRIS:
Or are you the Redskin scout from the Apache tribe?
FRANKIE:
(INDIAN) Yeah. Me Redskin. What's with Paleface? Got snootful firewater?
HARRIS:
Don't be an Albuquerque rug-merchant. I'm just pretending that I'm a cowboy. Ya see, Frankie, I got a new deal cookin', and I--
FAYE:
(APPROACHING) Phil! Phil, we better get started for the-- Oh, hello, Frankie! I said, "Hello, Frankie". Well, don't stand there. Say something!
FRANKIE:
(INDIAN) Pon-ti-ac fine car.
FAYE:
Aw, Frankie, what's going on here?
FRANKIE:
(INDIAN) He say he cowboy, me Indian. Me no ask questions. Me go 'long with gag. Ugh.
FAYE:
All right, turn it off Runnin' Water. This doesn't happen to be a gag. Remley, I got news for you. I'm going into... television. Just think. Instead o' havin' to watch them old movies, the public's going to get to look at Phil Harris.
FRANKIE:
Oh, those lucky people! Alice, do you realize how fortunate you are, being the wife of the greatest boon to mankind since rubber pants?
FAYE:
I'm just thr-r-r-r-illed to pieces. The Eighth Wonder of the World, and he's all mine!
HARRIS:
Wait a minute. Whattaya mean Eighth? According to the last telephone survey, I was Third. Just two-tenths of a point behind the Grand Canyon. Now, come on, let's get down to that rehearsal. The band's gonna be waitin' for us.
MUSIC:
LIGHT TRANSITIONAL, UP, THEN OUT
HARRIS:
And so, fellas, that's why I got down to see ya early. Ya see, I want ya all to look your best when they test ya for television.
(BAND ALL GRUMBLES AT ONCE)
HARRIS:
And that's why-- All right! All right, knock it off! Break it up, willya! Stop beefin'!
(BAND IS SILENT)
HARRIS:
They're payin' scale now! Now, are there any questions?
ARTIE:
Yeah! What's television?
HARRIS:
What's television??? Artie, you must have seen it in your natural habitat, the barroom! I know you've seen it there.
ARTIE:
I don't go to barrooms any more.
HARRIS:
Since when?
ARTIE:
Since the brewery put a pipeline into my apartment.
HARRIS:
All right, all right. Pipeline into your-- (TAKE, SOTTO) I wonder what the installation charge would be. (UP) Now look, fellas, when ya get in front o' them cameras, I want ya to try and look presentable, willya?
FAYE:
Phil, if you want the boys to look presentable, why don't you let me design uniforms for them?
FRANKIE:
Wait a minute! What kind o' uniforms?
FAYE:
Well-- Well, I have something very colourful in mind, Frankie. (DREAMILY) You'll look very smart in royal blue vest jackets, a maroon sash around the waist, and yellow trousers with a brocaded stripe down the side!
FRANKIE:
Well, lah-dee-dah!
HARRIS:
Gee, that sounds cute to me. Hey, Alice, can I have epaulettes on mine to show I'm the leader?
FRANKIE:
All this fuss about uniforms and how we're gonna look! I don't see why you're so anxious to go into television anyway, Curly. You won't be able to sing.
HARRIS:
Whattaya talkin' about? I'm still gonna sing!
FRANKIE:
But, Curly, you can't do that on television. As soon as you open your mouth, and they see your throat, you'll give the whole thing away.
HARRIS:
What whole thing?
FRANKIE:
Everybody'll see you got a trained frog down there, doin' the singing for you.
HARRIS:
Hey, Frankie?
FRANKIE:
Hm?
HARRIS:
I'll make a deal with you.
FRANKIE:
What?
HARRIS:
If you keep quiet about my trained frog, I won't say nothin' about the monkey who's playin' your guitar from the inside! Now, tune up that monk', while I run over the song I'm gonna do Sunday.
PHIL'S SONG:
"THAT LUCKY OLD SUN"
SCOTT:
That was splendid, Harris.
HARRIS:
Oh! Hiya, Scotty!
FAYE:
Oh, hello, Mr. Scott! We've been waiting for you!
FRANKIE:
Yeah, it's about time you showed up. I got the television cameras set up, and I know exactly what we're gonna do.
SCOTT:
Remley... Nobody asked you.
FRANKIE:
Nobody ever does. But I'm tellin' ya anyway. Now, here's my idea--
SCOTT:
Please!
FRANKIE:
I--
SCOTT:
Please! We don't need your help, so keep your anemic little mind inactive. And your big fat mouth shut! I've decided what kind of a show we're going to do.
HARRIS:
Bravissimo, Mr. Scott!
SCOTT:
We're going to do something novel. Something that has never been done before. The adventures... of a private eye.
HARRIS:
Oh, that's indeed novel, Sir.
FRANKIE:
Ooh, yeah. There hasn't been a new private eye show on the air for nigh on a half an hour. What's different about a private eye?
SCOTT:
The way we approach it. I bought a script with a very unusual slant. Harris, you've heard of the famous radio detectives Richard Diamond and Sam Spade?
HARRIS:
Yeah!
SCOTT:
Well, you're going to be known as Harry Heart.
HARRIS:
Harry Heart???
FRANKIE:
And I'll be your assistant, Cornelius Club.
FAYE:
And I'll be your secretary, Nora No-Trump.
HARRIS:
Well, let's get started with the play. Now, whose deal is it then?
SCOTT:
I'll thank you people not to get corny.
HARRIS:
WE'RE corny??? Who wrote this thing, a poker-dealer at the Flamingo club?
SCOTT:
I bought it from a brilliant young writer. He's a genius. He'll be over a little later to help with it.
HARRIS:
Well, wait a minute now. What character do I play in this thing?
SCOTT:
Well, you're a red-headed Irish detective. You're tough; you're good-looking, and you're irresistible to women.
HARRIS:
Uh-huh. Well, I don't know who this writer is, but he's captured the real me! There's only one thing that bothers me. I ain't a red-head.
SCOTT:
That ain't the only thing you ain't. Let's try it anyway. Remley, you play the part of Mr. Harris' stupid assistant. Which proves the writer captured your character too. Miss Faye, you play the part of an alluring, seductive, young siren. Every man who looks at you goes mad about you.
FAYE:
Now, you've struck a nerve, Doc!
SCOTT:
All right, let's try it in front of the cameras now. As the scene opens, Harris, you're on the trail of a murderer. And you're about to enter a bookstore that is owned by Miss Faye. Now, remember, play it tough and fearless, like Sam Spade.
HARRIS:
Okay!
SCOTT:
All right! We'll start with the sound of footsteps, as Harris and Remley approach the bookstore!
SFX:
FOOTSTEPS, UNDER
FRANKIE:
(COMPLETE MOOLEY) Duuuh, well, here's the bookstore, Chief! Duuuh, are we goin' in?
HARRIS:
(BOGART) Of course we are! Come on, Sweetheart!
FRANKIE:
(COMPLETE MOOLEY) Duuuh, but Chief, it might be a trap!
HARRIS:
(BOGART) Trap, shnap!
FRANKIE:
(COMPLETE MOOLEY) Duuuh, that's what I mean. They might shnap their trap!
HARRIS:
Remley, you don't have to play it THAT stupid!
FRANKIE:
Too much?
HARRIS:
Too much.
FRANKIE:
All right.
HARRIS:
A little broad.
FRANKIE:
All right.
HARRIS:
Now, come on, let's go in.
SFX:
SHOP DOOR OPENS WITH JINGLING BELL
FRANKIE:
(MOOLEY) Hey, Chief, get a load o' that good-lookin' tomato behind the counter!
HARRIS:
(BOGART) Yeah. Better let me talk to her. (TO FAYE) Hiya, Sweetheart.
FAYE:
(MAE WEST) Uhhh... what can I do for you... Big Boy?
HARRIS:
Get your foot off the gas. You're racin' your motor! (BOGART) Look, Sweetheart, I just came in here to tell you that--
FAYE:
(MAE) Oh, you irresistible brute, you! I love you madly! Take me in your arms, and kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me!
HARRIS:
(BOGART) Playin' hard to get, eh? Look, Sweeheart, I just came in to buy a book.
FAYE:
(MAE) A book! Oh, you fool, you! Take me in your arms, and crush me! Crush me!
HARRIS:
Is this what happens when ya walk into a store to buy a book?
FAYE:
(MAE) Uh-huh!
HARRIS:
All these years, I been lettin' the Book o' the Month Club send them! (AD LIBS) Why don't you ever act that way at home?
FAYE:
(MAE) Come'ere! Come over here!
HARRIS:
(AD LIBS) I'm here! Tell me what ya want. I'm here!
FAYE:
(MAE) Come over here!
HARRIS:
(AD LIBS) I'll be here forever, if you keep actin' that way!
FAYE:
(MAE) Come over here and kiss me, you great big blob of man!
HARRIS:
(BOGART) All right, if you insist, okay! But ya better brace yourself, Sweetheart. Because I'm rough, and I'm tough, and I got a terrific strength on account o' my built! Now, put your arms around me.
FAYE:
(MAE) M-hm.
HARRIS:
Tighter!
FAYE:
(MAE) M-hm.
HARRIS:
Tighter!
FAYE:
(MAE) Is, uh, this tight enough, Lover?
HARRIS:
(BOGART) Yeah. (SELF) Please, Alice! You're bruising me! (BOGART) Now, Sweetheart, I'm gonna kiss ya, and don't fight me because... I'm irresistible.
FAYE:
(MAE) I'm seductive.
FRANKIE:
(COMPLETE MOOLEY) Duuuh, I'm stupid! (SOTTO) I gotta be, to take a part like this.
HARRIS:
(BOGART) All right! Now, look, Sweetheart, I'm on the trail of a murderer, and I suspect he's hidin' out here!
FAYE:
(MAE) Aw, don't be a ridic' dick. This is just a bookstore, and my husband and I live in the back! We're quite harmless.
SFX:
TWO QUICK GUNSHOTS
HARRIS:
(BOGART) What was that?
FAYE:
(MAE) My husband's burping the baby.
HARRIS:
(BOGART) Well, I get it. Your husband, eh? Well, that's the guy I'm after! (CALLING) All right! Come on out! And don't make a false move, because I got ya covered! I want to talk to you!
JULIUS:
(APPROACHING) What's on your mind, Mac?
HARRIS:
Julius! What are you doin' here? What are you--
JULIUS:
I'm the young genius that wrote the script. Now, then. Shall we continue?
HARRIS:
Oh, all right! (BOGART) Now look, Babyface, I got ya covered, so ya might as well put your gun away! Wait a minute! That gun looks like the murder weapon. I'm gonna check. Toss me one o' them bullets outta that gun!
JULIUS:
Okay!
SFX:
GUNSHOT
HARRIS:
(GROANS) Oooh!
SFX:
THUD OF BODY ON FLOOR
JULIUS:
Nice catch.
FRANKIE:
(MOOLEY) You shot the Chief! But you won't get away. I'm still here!
SFX:
GUNSHOT
FRANKIE:
(COMPLETE MOOLEY) Duuuh, I had to open my big mouth!
SFX:
THUD OF BODY ON FLOOR
FAYE:
(MAE) Uh, nice shot, Babyface.
JULIUS:
Yeah, I banked that one. And now, Soulmate, come into my arms, and let me kiss ya, and kiss ya, and kiss ya, and-- We better siddown, Miss Faye. This goes on for two pages.
SCOTT:
(APPROACHING) Julius, you can stop now. This whole thing is childish. For the present, Rexall will forget television and stick with our radio show. All right, Harris and Remley, you can get up now. (NO RESPONSE) Uh-- I said, you can get up now. (NO RESPONSE) Julius? Why don't they get up?
JULIUS:
I dunno. Unless it's cause I used real bullets.
SCOTT:
Julius, you did--! (HOPEFULLY) Did you, my boy?
JULIUS:
(LAUGHS) Good night, folks! Tune in next week and listen to the Rexall Show, starring Julius Abbruzzio and the Widow Faye!
MUSIC:
UP, THEN OUT
FORMAN:
Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. But first, here's your Rexall family druggist.
DRUGGIST:
When Old Man Winter is just around the corner, I get to wishing I was a vitamin in Rexall's laboratory.
WOMAN:
For heaven's sake, why?
DRUGGIST:
Well, Ma'am, picture a nice big air-conditioned room, where the temperature is kept around seventy degrees all year through. Not too hot. Not too cold.
WOMAN:
Say! That does sound good!
DRUGGIST:
Just such a room, in Rexall's laboratory, is where the valuable and delicate ingredients that go into Rexall Plenamins are stored.
WOMAN:
Plenamins?
DRUGGIST:
That's Rexall's famous multiple vitamin capsules. To be sure they have the correct potency, Rexall's scientists let them enjoy this air-conditioned comfort until they're ready to be packaged. Then, they're sealed and sent to our stores. That's one reason why Rexall can guarantee you that two of these Plenamins capsules daily supply more than the daily minimum requirements of every vitamin for which such requirements have been established. And it's one more reason why ten-thousand family druggists tell you: You can depend on any drug product that bears the name REXALL.
FORMAN:
Good health to all, from REXALL!
MUSIC:
REXALL FANFARE, THEN "ROSE ROOM" UP, AND OUT
HARRIS:
Hey, it's too bad we're not gonna go into that television, Mr. Scott. I bet I looked terrific in those cameras, didn't I?
SCOTT:
No. No, the only one who looked good was you, Miss Faye. You looked beautiful! Rexall will be proud to have your lovely face associated with our wonderful products. (WAXING POETIC) When your gorgeous blonde hair and those beautiful blue eyes are seen on the screen, I know the public will go--
HARRIS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Now, about me--
FAYE:
Phil! Phil, Phil, Phil. Don't interrupt the sponsor. He's in the midst of the best commercial he's ever done!
HARRIS:
You won't have any trouble selling me to the public either. My looks ain't only attractive, but they're commercial too. Remember: You can depend on any head that bears the face of Phil Harris!
MUSIC:
CLOSING THEME UP, UNDER
FORMAN:
This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips.
MUSIC:
FADE OUT, UNDER FIRST SENTENCE
Buy Rexall's MI-31 if you want a famous mouthwash at less cost. Here's why: Many other antiseptics come in twelve- or fourteen-ounce bottles. But Rexall gives you sixteen ounces of MI-31. A full pint. At the same price as other leading brands of smaller quantity. It's one more example of Rexall's creed: Always a little better. Always a little more. Ask for Rexall MI-31 at the store with the orange and blue REXALL sign on the window. And remember: You can depend on any drug product that bears the name REXALL.
MUSIC:
CLOSING THEME UP, THEN OUT
ANNCR:
You're tuned for the stars. On NBC!
NBC CHIMES