FORMAN:

Good health to all from Rexall!

MUSIC:

THEME UP, UNDER

FORMAN:

Yes, it's Sunday. Time for the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Presented by the makers of Rexall drug products, and ten-thousand independent Rexall family druggists.

MUSIC:

OUT

DRUGGIST:

Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggist, taking a little time from behind the prescription counter, this Sunday evening, to speak for all ten-thousand of us. The ten-thousand independent druggists who have added the word "REXALL" to our own store names. You can always tell us by the orange and blue REXALL sign on our windows. The sign means that we carry the two-thousand or more drug products made by the Rexall Drug Company. They range all the way from aspirin to penicillin, and they're as fine and pure and dependable as science can make them. We independent druggists recommend them to our customers, because we know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name REXALL.

MUSIC:

REXALL FANFARE UP, THEN UNDER

FORMAN:

Good health to all, from Rexall!

MUSIC:

THEME UP, THEN UNDER

FORMAN:

And now, your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevillat. With Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Roos, Anne Whitfield, Walter Scharf and his music, yours truly Bill Forman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris!

MUSIC:

"ROSE ROOM" UP, THEN OUT

FORMAN:

Most of you must remember that first ordeal of your childhood: having your tonsils removed. This minor crisis has struck the Harris family. And, as we look in, Alice is trying to comfort her frightened patient.

FAYE:

Now, look, honey, you mustn't cry. Having your tonsils removed doesn't hurt a bit. You get to stay overnight at the hospital, and in the morning, they give you a big heaping plate of ice cream!

HARRIS:

(CRYING) I don't care! I don't want my tonsils out! I don't want 'em out, do ya hear me?!

FAYE:

Why not?

HARRIS:

(CRYING) Well, because I've become attached to 'em! They're part of me, and I've learned to love 'em!

PHYLLIS:

Daddy, there's nothing to it. When the doctor removed my tonsils, I didn't mind it.

HARRIS:

Didn't it hurt?

PHYLLIS:

Naaaaaah!

ALICE:

I didn't mind when he took mine out either. You'll be at the same hospital we were. Oh, it's a lot of fun! They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, a beautiful nurse comes in with a plate of ice cream.

HARRIS:

When I'm sufferin', I don't want any-- (BEAT) Blonde or brunette?

ALICE:

Tutti-frutti.

HARRIS:

(SOTTO) Tutti-frutti? What kinda colour hair is that? (UP) Look, Alice, do I have to have my tonsils taken out today? Can't I put it off for a while? After all, I'm too young for this type of operation.

FAYE:

Too young, he says. What do you wanna do, wait until you're sixty?

HARRIS:

No. No, but I think a man should have his tonsils remeoved when he's forty.

FAYE:

Well, why didn't you? Now, Phil, you can't postpone it. The doctor's made arrangements at the hospital. He's going to operate this afternoon, and that's that.

HARRIS:

Oh. Alice? Look, I hate to talk about it, but... Well, I've got to know. Now, when he cuts my tonsils out, well... will I lose much B-L-U-D?

FAYE:

Oh, not more than two K-W-A-R-T-Z.

ALICE:

What do you think they're talking about, Phyllis?

PHYLLIS:

I don't know. They must have a language all their own.

FAYE:

Now, girls, run along outside and play, huh?

HARRIS:

Oh, Alice, I'm scared.

FAYE:

Now, Phil, the doctor said it's a very simple operation. It's ridiculous to fret about it.

HARRIS:

Ridiculous to fret, she says. What am I supposed to do before I go on my operation?

WILLIE:

Increase your life insurance, Philip.

HARRIS:

One o' these days, I'm gonna dull his pinking shears. I'll go further than that. I'll tear up every one of his Butterick patterns.

WILLIE:

Philip, you're a fortunate man. It's a wonderful day for a tonsillectomy!

HARRIS:

Oh, the day's gotta be nice, yet. Where do ya think I'm havin' this done? At the Hollywood Bowl?

WILLIE:

No. But a nice day makes one feel more cheerful. By the way, who's performing the operation, Philip?

HARRIS:

Doctor Stanley Immerman.

WILLIE:

(PAUSE) Oh. Well, we all have to go sometime. Personally, I prefer Doctor Arthur J. Rando.

FAYE:

Oh, Willie, stop baiting Phil. You know Doctor Immerman is a wonderful surgeon. Why, he's been our family doctor for years!

WILLIE:

That's right. Only last year, he treated Aunt Harriet for poison ivy. (PAUSE) May she rest in peace.

HARRIS:

He treated her for poison ivy, and she-- Cut! The operation's off. Let's forget it. We're a little late, folks. Goodnight. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting (SINGS NBC CHIMES) Bong, bong, bong!

FAYE:

Phil, come back here! Willie is just teasing you. Aunt Harriet was a hundred and two when she died.

HARRIS:

Of what?

FAYE:

Of wha--? (SARCASTIC) She was crowding the plate, and Bob Fellow beaned her with a fast one.

HARRIS:

Now, that, I don't believe at all. Go ahead, laugh, laugh; make jokes about it. Nobody in this house cares. The only one who realizes the seriousness of this thing is Frankie. When I told him--

FRANKIE:

(CALLING, AS HE APPROACHES) Hi, Alice! I brought the beer over for Curly's wake! Too bad--

HARRIS:

Frankie!

FRANKIE:

Oh, are you still alive? I thought you were having your tonsils taken out today.

HARRIS:

Not until this afternoon. Gee whiz, Frankie, don'tcha feel sorry for me?

FRANKIE:

Why should I? It's a simple operation. I had mine taken out last year.

HARRIS:

How was it?

FRANKIE:

Horrible! Why, do you know that after the operation, I couldn't eat any solid food? I was on a liquid diet.

HARRIS:

(SARCASTIC) Oh, that must have been a harrowing experience.

FRANKIE:

Well, it was. For two weeks, I had to send back the fruit outta the Old Fashioneds. But ya have nothing to worry about if ya have a good doctor with a steady hand. Who is cuttin' your tonsils out?

HARRIS:

Doctor Immerman.

FRANKIE:

Immerman? (PAUSE) Oh, you mean old Butterfingers.

HARRIS:

You can cut that kiddin'. Doctor Immerman is the best surgeon in town.

FRANKIE:

How much is he chargin' you?

HARRIS:

Seventy-five dollars.

FRANKIE:

Seventy-five dollars?! That's highway robbery! You don't have to pay that kinda money.

HARRIS:

Well, where could I get it done cheaper?

FRANKIE:

(PAUSE) I know a guy.

HARRIS:

Look, Remley, you can forget about a guy. This is ser--

FRANKIE:

No, no. He'll clip 'em out quick. He used to do all the clipping in the Army.

HARRIS:

What was he, a barber?

FRANKIE:

Of course not. He's the guy who used to go up ahead and snip the barbed wire.

HARRIS:

Must you jest at a time like this?

FRANKIE:

(FRENCH) Par-don.

HARRIS:

No, but do you realize that an awful thing could happen to me, Remley? This operation could affect my voice. And I won't be able to sing any more.

FRANKIE:

(PAUSE) True. But what awful thing could happen?

HARRIS:

Now, wait a minute. Just a minute, Mister Remley. My voice happens to--

FRANKIE:

Now, take it easy, Curly. I'm only kidding. I guarantee nothing will happen to your voice.

HARRIS:

How do ya know? You're just sayin' that to make me feel good. I'll tell ya what, Frankie. I'll sing for you now. And listen closely, Frankie. Remember, this may be that last time you'll ever hear me sing.

FRANKIE:

Aw, you're just sayin' that to make me feel good.

PHIL'S SONG:

"ELMER AND THE BEAR"

FAYE:

Phil, you'd better get ready. We'll have to leave for the hospital in a few minutes.

HARRIS:

(CRYING) No, honey, no, I don't-- Aw, Frankie, I'm afraid to go to the hospital. (SOBS)

FRANKIE:

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

HARRIS:

(SOBBING) Oh, Frankie, I don't-- I don't wanna go.

JULIUS:

(APPROACHING, OFF MIKE) Hey, I brung the groceries, and--

HARRIS:

(SOBBING) I just-- I never wanted to--

JULIUS:

Well, what's wrong with Stella Dallas?

HARRIS:

Go away, Julius. I'm a sick man.

JULIUS:

Oh, that's a shame, Mister Harris. What's wrong?

HARRIS:

I'm goin' to the hospital for an operation.

JULIUS:

(LAUGHS)

HARRIS:

What's so funny? I'm havin' my tonsils taken out, and everybody's laughin'. I'm frightened.

JULIUS:

Frightened about havin' your tonsils taken out? Ah, ya big sissy!

FRANKIE:

Oh, there's nothin' to it, Curly. It's a cinch.

HARRIS:

(TEARFUL) Yeah, it's easy for you to say that. You don't have to go. Oh, gee... I feel like a condemned man.

FAYE:

(LIKE A PRISON WARDEN) Well, Phil. It's time to go. Come on.

HARRIS:

(SOBBING) I don't-- I don't-- (WAILING) I don't wanna go, do ya hear me? I ain't gonna go!!!

FRANKIE:

There's no use fightin' it, Babyface. Go with the Warden.

JULIUS:

Don't crack up now, pal. Walk that last mile like a man.

FRANKIE:

Harris is gettin' his tonight.

JULIUS:

I can't bear to watch it when the lights dim.

FRANKIE:

(SINGS) Swing low, sweet chariot...

JULIUS:

Sing it, Sam!

FRANKIE
& JULIUS: (SING) Comin' for to carry me--

HARRIS:

Will you guys stop?!

FRANKIE
& JULIUS: (SING IN HARMONY) Ho-o-o-o-ome!

HARRIS:

Home.

FAYE:

Oh, leave him alone, fellas. Come on, Phil. The chair is re-- I mean, the doctor is ready. Let's get to the hospital, huh?

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC UP, THEN OUT

SFX:

HOSPITAL RECEPTION AMBIENCE, UNDER

SFX:

PHONE RINGS, AND IS ANSWERED

NURSE:

Hollywood Memorial Hospital. Oh, Mrs. Daniels is resting very comfortably. You're welcome.

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE

MAN:

(FRAZZLED) Nurse, hasn't my wife had her baby yet?

NURSE:

No, not yet.

MAN:

Ohhhh! How can she be so inconsiderate? How can she torture me like this?

NURSE:

Now, Mister Phillips, just go back to the Fathers' Waiting Room, and relax. I'll call you.

MAN:

Okay, thanks. This is the THIRD time, and she ALWAYS keeps me waiting! (FADING OFF MIKE) I'll NEVER learn!

FAYE:

Aw, Phil, come on, will you?

HARRIS:

(WHIMPERING) Don't rush me. I want a little time to think it over.

FAYE:

Don't make me drag you. You haven't acted this way since the day I led you to the altar.

NURSE:

Oh, hello. Is there anything I can do for you folks?

HARRIS:

No thanks, we're just browsing.

FAYE:

Oh, Nurse, I'm Mrs. Harris, Mister Harris has a reservation for a tonsillectomy.

NURSE:

Oh, yes, we've been expecting you. You'll have to wait a few minutes, Mister Harris. The doctor isn't quite ready for you yet.

HARRIS:

(WHIMPERING) Well, thank goodness. Oh, Alice, I feel a little weak. I'm gonna siddown.

FAYE:

You go ahead, Phil.

SFX:

HE WALKS ALONG CORRIDOR, UNDER

HARRIS:

(WHIMPERING) I never felt so shaky in my life. Oh, here's a waiting room. I'll just go in and siddown, and-- Oh, hello, mister.

MAN:

(MISERABLY) Hello. You waiting too?

HARRIS:

(MISERABLY) Yeah, I'm here for--

MAN:

Oh, you don't have to tell me. I recognize the symptoms. Hey, you look shaky. This must be your first time, huh? I been through this THREE times.

HARRIS:

You mean, this can happen again?

MAN:

Well... It's been known to.

HARRIS:

Uh... How big are they, as a rule?

MAN:

My first one weighed seven pounds, three ounces.

HARRIS:

Didn't ya have trouble findin' collars to fit ya? What did it look like?

MAN:

It was the image of my wife.

HARRIS:

Your wife must be a very unusual-looking woman.

MAN:

Ah, but what a thrill you'll get when they put the little thing in your arms...

HARRIS:

They give it to ya??? What are you supposed to do with it?

MAN:

Wrap it in a blanket, and take it home! What do you expect to do with yours?

HARRIS:

(SHEEPISH CHUCKLE) Well, I hadn't made any plans for it.

MAN:

Well, I guess there's time for that. What are ya hopin' for, a boy or a girl?

HARRIS:

Do they come in sexes?

MAN:

Do they come in--??? Oh, mister, I'd better have a little talk with you. How soon do you expect this event to take place?

HARRIS:

In about fifteen minutes. See, my wife said she'd come in and let me know when the doctor's ready.

MAN:

She's comin' in and let you--???

FAYE:

(APPROACHING) Phil! The doctor's almost ready.

HARRIS:

Oh, okay, honey. (TO MAN) Oh, by the way, mister, this is my wife.

MAN:

This is your wife??? And in fifteen minutes???
OH-H-H-H! Excuse me! I gotta get some air!

SFX:

MAN RUNS FROM ROOM

FAYE:

What's the matter with him? He acted awfully peculiar.

HARRIS:

You'd act peculiar too, if you had a wife that looked like a tonsil.

FAYE:

Well, Phil, you'll be going up to the operating room in five minutes.

HARRIS:

Alice, how can you be so matter-of-fact about it? Don'tcha have any feelings? I don't think you care.

FAYE:

(SOOTHINGLY) Now, you know I care. If you don't believe me, look at me.

FAYE'S SONG:

"LOOK AT ME"

HARRIS:

(WHIMPERING) Alice, how can you sing at a time like this? Gee whiz, how can you be so heartless?

FAYE:

Now, Phil, please believe me. I'm not being heartl--

NURSE:

(APPROACHING) Mister Harris, we're ready for you in the operating room.

HARRIS:

The operatin' room?? (SOBBING) Oh, no! No! I'm not goin'! Oh, I can't go! I can just see 'em all standin' around a table, the doctor and the nurse and the anesthes-thinist!

MUSIC:

UP, THEN OUT ON AN OMINOUS CHORD

OPERATING ROOM AMBIENCE, UNDER

DOCTOR:

Now, Mister Harris, lie perfectly still, while we administer the anesthetic.

HARRIS:

(SOBBING) Doctor, I tell ya, I don't want my tonsils out! I wanna get outta here! Oh, Doctor, I wanna romp in the fields! I wanna feel the sun in my hair! I don't wanna feel the rain in my hair! I wanna live!!!

DOCTOR:

OH, SHUT UP!!!

HARRIS:

(PAUSE, CALM) Doctor, that's no way to talk to an invalid.

DOCTOR:

Now, Mister Harris, I'm putting this ether cone over your face, and I want you to count, slowly. By the time you reach fifteen, you'll be asleep. Now, count.

HARRIS:

Five, ten, fifteen! I'm not asleep yet. It didn't work. Operation called off on account o' bad ether. (FADING OFF MIKE) See ya round, Doc! You're lookin' good!

DOCTOR:

HARRIS! Get back here. Now, count to fifteen. Or can't you count that high?

HARRIS:

Don't be a wise doctor. I can do it. One, two, three, four, five, six, (SLOWING DOWN, GETTING ECHOEY) seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King, A-a-ace...

MUSIC:

DREAMLIKE, DESCENDING, ENDING ON SUSTAINED NOTE

HARRIS:

(ECHOEY, OVER SUSTAINED NOTE) I'm floatin'...

MUSIC:

OUT

(ECHO EFFECT ON ALL VOICES)

 

HARRIS:

Through space... Where're they takin' me? Oh. Oh, today's the day I'm gonna be operated on.

(MOCKING LAUGHTER FROM FAYE, FRANKIE, JULIUS, WILLIE)

 

HARRIS:

(WHIMPERING) Oh, they're all laughin' at me. Alice, Frankie, Julius, and Willie.

(ECHO EFFECT OUT)

 

HARRIS:

They don't care what happens to me. Look at me, I'm on the operatin' table, and nobody's here. Nurse! Nurse!!!

FAYE:

(BRONX ACCENT) What's on yer mind, kiddo?

HARRIS:

Alice, what're you doin' in a nurse's uniform, and why are you talkin' like ya used to before ya got into pictures?

FAYE:

(BRONX) Be quiet! Here comes the doctor now.

HARRIS:

Thank goodness you're here, Doctor! I-- (TAKE) YOU'RE the doctor???

JULIUS:

You said it, Mack! I'm Doctor Bearer.

HARRIS:

Julius!

JULIUS:

No, Paul.

HARRIS:

PAUL BEARER???

FRANKIE:

And I'm his assistant, Doctor Cidal.

HARRIS:

Frankie!

FRANKIE:

No, Homer.

HARRIS:

HOMER CIDAL AND PAUL BEARER??? No! Oh, no! Let me outta here!!!

JULIUS:

Pipe down. I'm ready to operate. Nurse, my gloves.

FAYE:

(BRONX) Which ones do yez want, the First Baseman's or the Catcher's mitt?

JULIUS:

Never mind. We'll do it without gloves.

FRANKIE:

Now, Mister Harris, what do you want us to take out? We're having a special today. Adenoids twenty-five dollars. Appendix thirty-five dollars. Liver forty-five dollars--with onions, fifteen cents extra.

HARRIS:

(PLEADING) Look, fellas. All I want is my tonsils out.

JULIUS:

Oh, of course! Nurse, take his shoes off.

HARRIS:

My shoes??? My tonsils are in my throat!

JULIUS:

We're doin' it the hard way. Let's proceed. Nurse, what's the patient's temperature?

FAYE:

(BRONX) A hundred and one.

JULIUS:

Pulse.

FAYE:

(BRONX) Seventy-four.

JULIUS:

Blood count.

FAYE:

(BRONX) Ninety proof.

HARRIS:

Only ninety proof? Somebody's been waterin' it.

FRANKIE:

We're ready, Nurse. Hand me my knife. (PAUSE) Better sprinkle some ashes on it.

HARRIS:

Ashes???

FRANKIE:

Yeah, it keeps slipping. Now, open your mouth, Harris.

HARRIS:

Wait a minute, now! Aren't ya gonna give me ether first?

FRANKIE:

Nah, let's rough it. (QUICKLY) Now, Nurse, this is a very delicate procedure, and I'll need your help. I'll approach the tonsil through the esophagus; I'll bypass the larynx, and at that precise moment, you're to apply the suture quickly to the pituitary gland.

FAYE:

(BRONX) No kiddin'?

JULIUS:

I disagree with your prognosis, Doctor. There's a more professional way to remove this man's tonsils.

FRANKIE:

How?

JULIUS:

You tie a string around 'em, and I'll open the door fast.

HARRIS:

Never mind! Now, do it the right way!

JULIUS:

All right, open your mouth! Doctor, my forceps.

FRANKIE:

Forceps.

JULIUS:

Knife.

FRANKIE:

Knife.

JULIUS:

Scalp 'em.

FRANKIE:

(INDIAN) Ugh!

HARRIS:

That's SCALPEL!

JULIUS:

Let's use the tommyhawk.

HARRIS:

Oh, heap big joke. Tommyhawk. Big man, big joke.

FRANKIE:

Shall we go round once more?

JULIUS:

Let's do. All right, Nurse. You can help now. Get suture in.

FRANKIE:

Suture in.

FAYE:

(BRONX) Suture in.

JULIUS:

Clamps down.

FRANKIE:

Clamps down.

FAYE:

(BRONX) Fire torpedo, tube number one.

JULIUS:

Ja wohl, Ober Leutnant!

FRANKIE:

Achtung! Deutschland uber alles!

JULIUS:

Iss das nicht ein lousy tonsil?

FRANKIE:

Ja, das ist ein lousy tonsil!

JULIUS:

Lousy tonsil?

FRANKIE:

Lousy tonsil!

FRANKIE
& JULIUS: (SING IN GERMAN WITH MANIACAL LAUGHTER, UNDER)

HARRIS:

CUT THAT OUT, WILLYA! STOP IT! STOP IT! (CRYING) Oh, let me outta here! What are you people doin' to me? (SOBBING) Oh-h-h!

MUSIC:

DREAMLIKE, DESCENDING, SUSTAINED NOTE, CYMBAL-ROLL, THEN OUT SUDDENLY

HARRIS:

(MOANS) Ooh, where am I? What happened?

FAYE:

Oh, they operated on you last night, Phil. And you're doing fine.

HARRIS:

They took out my tonsils? (PAUSE) Tell me, Alice. Who does it look like?

DOCTOR:

Oh... Well, he's still a little delirious, I see. But, if you want to see your tonsil, Mister Harris, I, uh, have it right here.

HARRIS:

May I hold it? Gee, it's cute. (TO TONSIL) So, you're my little tonsil...

WILLIE:

Good morning, Philip!

HARRIS:

Oh, no! I got a tonsil that talks like Willie!!! Oh, no!!!

MUSIC:

UP, THEN OUT

FORMAN:

Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. But first, here's your Rexall family druggist.

DRUGGIST:

Every year, accidents in the home and on the highways continue to take more lives than any disease or illness. Yet, many of these lives could have been saved by proper first aid. That's why the National Association of Retail Druggists has proclaimed next week National First Aid Week. And during this week, the ten-thousand independent Rexall druggists of America invite you to do two things: First, do everything you can to prevent accidents. But when they happen, be prepared. First, by knowing what to do; and second, by making sure your medicine chest contains all the things you need to do it.

Now, your own Rexall family druggist will be glad to tell you the essential first aid items you should always have on hand. What's more, he carries Rexall's complete first aid line. Everything from sterile cotton and handy gauze pads to the proper antiseptics, surgical powder, burn remedies, plus certain Rexall exclusives, like Rexall's new Pro-Cap adhesive tape, and Rexall Quick-Bands. He'll also be glad to show you the specially designed first aid kits, priced at ninety-eight cents to two dollars and ten cents. These always-ready, room-saving Rexall kits contain all the necessaries for simple first aid, including a manual of first aid instructions.

Look for these products wherever you see the orange and blue REXALL sign on the window. And remember, when accidents do happen, it's good to know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name REXALL.

FORMAN:

Good health to all, from REXALL!

MUSIC:

REXALL FANFARE, THEN "ROSE ROOM", UP AND OUT

HARRIS:

(CALLS) Alice! Honey, I'll be home soon. I'm goin' down to the taxidermist.

FAYE:

What for?

HARRIS:

I'm gonna have my tonsil mounted. I think it'll look much better over the fireplace than that moose head.

MUSIC:

CLOSING THEME UP, AND UNDER

FORMAN:

This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips. Included in today's cast were Jacqueline deWitt, Ted von Eltz, and John Beal. The part of Frankie Remley was played by Elliott Lewis. And Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Alice Faye appeared through the courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox. This is Bill Forman, wishing good health to all, from Rexall!

MUSIC:

THEME CONTINUES, THEN FADES OUT

ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

NBC CHIMES