FORMAN:

Good health to all from Rexall!

MUSIC:

THEME UP, UNDER

FORMAN:

Yes, it's Sunday. Time for the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Presented by the makers of Rexall drug products, and ten-thousand independent Rexall family druggists.

MUSIC:

OUT

DRUGGIST:

Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggist, taking a little time from behind the prescription counter, this Sunday evening, to speak for all ten-thousand of us. The ten-thousand independent druggists who have added the word "REXALL" to our own store names. You can always tell us by the orange and blue REXALL sign on our windows. The sign means that we carry the two-thousand or more drug products made by the Rexall Drug Company. They range all the way from aspirin to penicillin, and they're as fine and pure and dependable as science can make them. We independent druggists recommend them to our customers, because we know you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall.

MUSIC:

REXALL FANFARE UP, THEN UNDER

FORMAN:

Good health to all, from Rexall!

MUSIC:

THEME UP, THEN UNDER

FORMAN:

And now, your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevillat. With Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Roose, Anne Whitfield, Walter Scharf and his music, yours truly Bill Forman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris!

MUSIC:

"ROSE ROOM" UP, THEN OUT

FORMAN:

Mr. Scott, of the Rexall Company, is having a lawn party at his home, this afternoon. Many distinguished persons have been invited. And, as we look in, we find Mr. and Mrs. Scott, going over their guest list...

SCOTT:

Grace, let's check the guest list once more, and make sure that all the important people have been invited.

GRACE:

Very well, dear. This is the list. (READING) Mr. and Mrs. Phil Harris. Mr. Frank Remley. Mr.--

SCOTT:

No. No. No, dear. Not the names I crossed out. Just read the ones we invited.

GRACE:

Darling, I already invited the Harrises. I think she's a charming woman.

SCOTT:

So do I. It's that Tennessee boll weevil I object to. Must we have him?

GRACE:

Well, I think we should. After all, he's the star of your radio program. And you're the one who hired him.

SCOTT:

(SHUDDERING) I know. I know.

GRACE:

You signed him for two years, and he still has another year to go.

SCOTT:

Stop pouring salt on my wounds. Ever since Harris has been on the air for Rexall, I've been a nervous wreck. I've got pains all over. My right arm is musclebound.

GRACE:

Darling, I don't follow you. What's Phil Harris got to do with your arm being musclebound?

SCOTT:

I'll explain. Because of me, Phil Harris is on the air, every Sunday night.

GRACE:

So?

SCOTT:

So, every Monday morning, I have to write letters to ten-thousand independent druggists, apologizing. Now, Grace, please tell me you didn't invite that Frank Remley character.

GRACE:

Well, I called him at his office, but I couldn't reach him.

SCOTT:

His office?

GRACE:

Yes, dear. Mr. Harris gave me the number, but Mr. Remley was too busy to talk to me.

SCOTT:

(DISBELIEF) Remley was too busy to talk to you?

GRACE:

Yes, he was watching a television show. And the bartender wouldn't disturb him.

SCOTT:

Well, thank goodness you couldn't reach him. Without Remley, I can stand Harris for an hour or so.

GRACE:

I'm afraid you'll have to tolerate him a little longer than that. Mrs. Harris is lending us some garden chairs, and he's bringing them over, this morning. I told him he might as well stay on for the party.

SCOTT:

(IRONIC) Oh, goody. A whole day with old Wavy Wig.

MUSIC:

BRIGHT & BREEZY TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT

FAYE:

Phil, would you please hurry up? We have to get those chairs over to the Scotts' this morning.

HARRIS:

All right, honey. Wait til I finish my milk. I've only got about three fingers left to drink.

FAYE:

Phil... Phil do you suppose the Scotts invited us just because they needed chairs?

HARRIS:

Oh, don't be silly. We were probably the first ones on their guest list.

ALICE:

Daddy, can we go to this party?

HARRIS:

No, I'm sorry, kids, but this is just for grownups. You see, they're gonna have a lot of important people there.

PHYLLIS:

Daddy, are you important?

HARRIS:

Am I impor--? (DOWN) Alice, you gotta have a talk with this child. She's gotta be straightened out on a few things. (UP) Tell her how important I am. Go on, tell her all the things that make me important.

FAYE:

No, you'd better tell her. You've got them memorized. (SWITCH) Who else has been invited to the Scotts' party, Phil?

HARRIS:

I dunno, but you can bet that only the best people in town are gonna be there.

WILLIE:

Oh, you weren't invited, eh, Philip?

HARRIS:

Well, lookie, lookie, lookie, here comes Shnooky! For your information, I was invited, Willie. I got a "rezvip".

WILLIE:

A "rezvip"?

HARRIS:

Yes, R.S.V.P., "rezvip". Scotty insisted that Alice and me come to the party.

WILLIE:

(DISMISSIVE) He insisted indeed. He wanted Alice, and he thought that he was forced to ask you. He's probably hoping that you won't show up.

HARRIS:

William, why are you always so terse with me? I've done nothing to warrant your caustic diatribe.

FAYE:

Phil, what was that?

HARRIS:

Just a little something Ronald Colman laid on me once.

FAYE:

By the way, Phil, ws Frankie invited?

HARRIS:

Naw, he wasn't, honey, and I can't understand why.

WILLIE:

Mr. Scott didn't invite Francis because he doesn't want him. And I hope he has sense enough to stay away.

HARRIS:

Well, don't worry about Remley. He don't go to parties where he's not wanted. He's a very sensitive guy. And he never--

SFX:

DOORBELL

HARRIS:

(CALLING) Come in!

SFX:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

HARRIS:

(CALLING) Ah! Hello, Frankie!

FRANKIE:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Hiya, Curly! How do ya like this new suit I bought for Scott's party?

SFX:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

FRANKIE:

(APPROACHING) Hi, Alice!

ALICE:

(IRONIC) Well, if it isn't little ol' Sensitive Frankie.

HARRIS:

Hey, Remley, I'm glad you're goin'. Scott sent you an invitation, huh?

FRANKIE:

No. What time are we supposed to be at the party?

WILLIE:

Francis... Surely, you're not serious about going to the party?

FRANKIE:

Why not?

WILLIE:

Mr. Scott didn't ask you, because he doesn't like you.

FRANKIE:

Well, I don't like him either, but I'm not gonna be petty about it.

HARRIS:

Now, wait a minute, Frankie. You can't go someplace where you're not wanted.

FAYE:

Now, look, why don't we do this, Phil? Let Frankie come with us when we take the chairs to Mr. Scott. And, when he sees Frankie, he'll probably invite him, and everything'll be all right. If Mr. Scott doesn't want him, he can always leave.

FRANKIE:

Sure, we'll never miss the old sourpuss. Hey, we oughtta have a great time at this party!

HARRIS:

Sure we will! Hey, do ya think they might ask me to sing?

FRANKIE:

If they're smart, they won't.

HARRIS:

Now, just a moment, Mr. Remley. I'm tired o' havin' you make fun o' my voice! I can sing, and I'm gonna show you!

FAYE:

Aw, Phil, not now! We have to get the chairs over!

HARRIS:

They can wait. I'm gonna prove, once and for all, that I have a great voice. And I'm gonna prove it, right now!

FRANKIE:

Go ahead. When ya get through singin', call me. I'll be inside, listenin' to the frost warnings.

PHIL'S SONG:

"ROW, ROW, ROW"

HARRIS:

How'd ya like that, Frankie?

FRANKIE:

Pretty cold in Pomona.

HARRIS:

Aw, whatta you know? How'd you like it, Alice?

FAYE:

They're firing the smudgepots in Redlands. (SWITCH) Aw, come on, Phil. You and Frankie put the chairs in the car, and we'll get over to the Scotts', huh?

MUSIC:

BRIGHT, INDUSTRIOUS, ENDING ON AN OMINOUS HANGING CHORD

SFX:

"CAR INTERIOR, WHILE DRIVING" AMBIENCE, UNDER

FAYE:

Phil, Mr. Scott's car is in the driveway, so you'd better park out front here, huh?

HARRIS:

Okay, I'll park right here.

SFX:

CAR SLOWS, PULLS OVER, STOPS ... ENGINE OUT ... CAR DOORS OPEN

HARRIS:

All right, come on, Frankie. Gimme a hand with these chairs.

SCOTT:

(OFF, CALLING) Oh, hello there!

HARRIS:

(CALLING) Oh, hiya, Chief!

FAYE:

(CALLING) Hello, Mr. Scott.

SCOTT:

(APPROACHING, WARMLY) Ah, it's good to see you! I must say, you look charming. You know, you get younger and prettier every day. How do you do it?

HARRIS:

I owe it all to clean living.

SCOTT:

(DRYLY) Yes.

HARRIS:

Someday, I might make my secret of eternal youth available to the public.

SCOTT:

(WITHERINGLY) Oh, what a magnanimous gesture. (SWITCH) Mrs. Harris, I'm glad you and your, uh, "man of tomorrow" could come over early.

FAYE:

Well, as long as I'm here early, I'll go in and see if I can help Mrs. Scott, huh?

SCOTT:

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. (SWITCH) Harris, can I help you take the chairs out of the car?

HARRIS:

No, I brought someone along to help me.

FRANKIE:

Yeah, I'm here, Scotty!

SCOTT:

(REVOLTED) Oh... (DRYLY) I guess we all have days when we should've stood in bed.

FRANKIE:

I hear you're havin' a party today, Scotty. (NO ANSWER) I said, I hear you're havin' a party today.

SCOTT:

(SOTTO) Maybe if I don't answer, he'll go away.

FRANKIE:

I, uh, I didn't get an invitation in the mail. Could it be because it was mis-addressed? Or maybe you didn't put a stamp on it. I can't imagine why I didn't get it.

SCOTT:

Could it be because I didn't send you one?

FRANKIE:

Ah, you and your wild guesses.

HARRIS:

Mr. Scott, I brought Frankie along because I knew you-- you'd want him here. After all, what would a party be like without Francis?

SCOTT:

I don't know. But we're going to find out.

FRANKIE:

Mr. Scott, let's not beat around the bush. If you don't want me, say so.

SCOTT:

I don't want you.

FRANKIE:

(BEAT) Let's go around the bush once more. There must be a solution to this problem.

SCOTT:

There is. You can go home.

FRANKIE:

No, that don't appeal to me.

SCOTT:

Remley, I am warning you. If you insist on staying here, I'm leaving.

FRANKIE:

That's the most sensible suggestion you've made yet.

SCOTT:

Remley, if you don't get out of here, I'll call in the--

HARRIS:

Now, wait a minute, fellas, wait a minute, wait a minute! Let's not fight. Now, can't we settle this thing "aimabicly"? Mr. Scott, I think it would be nice if you, the boss, invited Frankie, the employee, to your social gathering. It would prove something.

SCOTT:

What?

HARRIS:

Well, it would show the world that labour and capital can travel hand in hand, to an ultimate utopia.

SCOTT:

Look. I don't want--

FRANKIE:

Just because our ideologies are different don't mean we can't live in the same world together.

SCOTT:

But I--

HARRIS:

(DECLARING) Let's foster brotherly love. The spirit of true Americanism is at stake here.

SCOTT:

I--

FRANKIE:

Yeah! Remember the Maine! Remember the Alamo!

SCOTT:

You--

HARRIS:

Let's not forget what they fought for at "Approprotaprotamax"! Don't forget that this is the land of the free!

FRANKIE:

Where all men are created equal!

HARRIS &
FRANKIE: (SINGING) From every mountainside...

Let freedom--

SCOTT:

(EXPLODING) Will you two stop this?!

HARRIS &
FRANKIE: (HARMONIZING) Ring...!

SCOTT:

Oh, I can't stand any more of this. Harris, would you mind carrying the chairs down in back of the house? We're holding the garden party around the swimming pool.

FRANKIE:

Don't worry, we'll take care of everything.

SCOTT:

Remley, as long as you insist on staying, you will have to excuse me. I have to go down the street to see somebody.

FRANKIE:

Who?

SCOTT:

My lawyer. I want to know if I can get an injunction against you. Good-bye.

(PHIL & FRANKIE CHUCKLE)

 

FRANKIE:

Good ol' Scotty! I knew he'd invite me.

HARRIS:

Yeah. Well, come on, Frankie. Let's carry these chairs down to the pool.

FRANKIE:

Okay. Uh... Hey, Curly? The pool's at the bottom o' that steep hill. With all these chairs, we'll have to make a few trips. Why don't we just drive your car down?

HARRIS:

That's a good idea. We can just-- Yeah, but wait a minute. We'd have to move Scott's car outta the driveway. I'll tell ya what. Look, Remley, you drive his car down to the garage, and I'll go get mine.

FRANKIE:

Okay.

SFX:

STARTS WALKING AWAY, THEN STOPS

FRANKIE:

(BEAT. CALLING) Hey, Curly, I can't drive Scott's car down. There's no key in it.

HARRIS:

(OFF, CALLING) Remley, ya don't need a key. It's on a hill; you can coast it down. Just release the hand-brake.

FRANKIE:

Oh.

SFX:

RATCHET OF HAND-BRAKE RELEASE ... CAR ROLLING DOWN HILL, UNDER

FRANKIE:

(CALLING) There she goes, Curly! (BEAT) Now what do I do?

HARRIS:

(OFF, CALLING) Oh, no! Remley, you were supposed to get in the car!

FRANKIE:

(CALLING) You just told me to release the hand-brake! You didn't tell me to get in!

HARRIS:

(OFF, CALLING) Well, look at the way it's rollin' down! Remley, do somethin'! Stop it!

FRANKIE:

"Stop it," he says. (CALLING) Hey, car! (WHISTLES TO IT) Come back here!

HARRIS:

Remley! Now, come on! We gotta try and catch it!

SFX:

THEY RUN AFTER IT, UNDER

FRANKIE:

Hey, look! It's heading for the fence! That oughtta stop it!

SFX:

CAR CRASHES THROUGH FENCE, AND KEEPS GOING

FRANKIE:

It didn't. Cheap lumber, I guess.

HARRIS:

Remley! It's headin' for the pool!

FRANKIE:

Well, that oughtta stop it. It can't possibly go any further.

SFX:

HUGE SPLASH ... BUBBLING AS CAR FILLS WITH WATER AND SINKS

FRANKIE:

(PAUSE) Told ya that would stop it.

HARRIS:

Right into the water...

FRANKIE:

Don't worry. It's a new Cadillac. With those fishtails, it should be able to swim.

HARRIS:

Remley, it ain't swimmin'. It's sittin' on the bottom. I oughtta take you and--!

FRANKIE:

(MADDENINGLY CALM) Temper, temper... Let's not get excited. We got a simple problem. All we gotta do is figure out how to get a Cadillac out of a swimming pool.

HARRIS:

That's all we gotta figure...

FRANKIE:

That's all.

HARRIS:

All we gotta do is to write General Motors, and ask 'em how to salvage one o' their convertible submarines. Frankie, we gotta get it outta there before somebody discovers it. If we ever get caught with that thing--

FAYE:

(CALLING) Phil? Oh, Phil?

HARRIS:

Uh-oh. Here comes Hank, the night watchman.

FAYE:

(APPROACHING) Phil, what was that crash I heard out here? It sounded like-- (TAKE) Phil! There's a car in the pool!

HARRIS:

Carpool? Don't be silly, honey. Why, they haven't had carpools since the War ended.

FAYE:

Why, it's Mr. Scott's Cadillac! How did it get in there?

FRANKIE:

He's a very sloppy parker.

HARRIS:

Yeah. Yeah, you see, he parks his car in the pool every night. And that way, when he leaves in the morning, it's already washed.

FAYE:

No, no. Cut it out! Did you fellows do this?

HARRIS:

Well, uh... Well, we might as well tell her the truth, Remley.

FRANKIE:

Yeah, I guess we'll have to.

FAYE:

All right, all right, how did it happen?

HARRIS:

Well, Mr. Scott left his car standin' out in the hot sun.

FAYE:

I see. (IRONIC) And it got overheated, so it went in for a dip.

FRANKIE:

Oh, Alice. Do you expect us to believe that?

HARRIS:

Yeah, look, Honey, you're gonna have to come up with a better excuse than that. Now, just how did you get that car in the pool?

FAYE:

Well, I was talking to Mrs. Scott, and-- (TAKE) Wait a minute! I didn't do anything! Oh, fellas, I don't know how you got it in there, but you'll have to get it out before Mr. and Mrs. Scott see it.

HARRIS:

How?

FAYE:

Well, use our car, and tow it out.

HARRIS:

(PONDERS IT) Well, yeah... Yeah, that's it. Now, look, Honey, you go in and keep Mrs. Scott occupied, so she doesn't see what we're doing, huh?

FAYE:

All right. But make sure you get that car out. (SOTTO, AS SHE WALKS AWAY) Hm. Mother wanted me to marry a lawyer. Father wanted me to marry a doctor. But did I listen? Nah! I had to be a wiseguy, and wind up with a trap drummer!

HARRIS:

Well, I had my own ratchet.

FRANKIE:

Come on, Ratch. Let's get your car.

HARRIS:

Remley, look, I been thinkin' about somethin'.

FRANKIE:

What?

HARRIS:

My car's too light to pull that heavy car outta that pool.

FRANKIE:

Yeah, you might-- (IDEA) Wait a minute. Look! Scott's got another car in the garage, a big Lincoln.

HARRIS:

A Lincoln?

FRANKIE:

Yeah! That oughtta be able to pull it out.

HARRIS:

Yeah! Now, look, I'll get a heavy chain outta my trunk, and you back the Lincoln up to the pool, huh Remley?

FRANKIE:

All right.

HARRIS:

(SUDDENLY) Wait a minute!

FRANKIE:

What'sa matter?

HARRIS:

(DELIBERATELY) "Back it," I said, "up to it." Not, "in it."

MUSIC:

SLIGHTLY WONKY TRANSITIONAL, ENDING ON WARY NOTES

SFX:

CHAIN WRAPPING AROUND AXLE

HARRIS:

Well, we got the chain around the rear axle of the Lincoln. All we got to do now is put the other end o' the chain around the bumper o' the Cadillac.

FRANKIE:

That's all. (PAUSE) But which one of us is gonna dive down and attach it?

HARRIS:

That's simple. You.

FRANKIE:

It ain't that simple. I ain't goin'. Why don't you do it?

HARRIS:

I can't swim.

FRANKIE:

Then you're the guy to do it. You'll go down to the bottom faster.

HARRIS:

Now, look, Remley. Somebody's got to go down there. In fact--

FRANKIE:

Go get somebody else. I ain't no fish. I--

TETLEY:

(CALLING, AS HE APPROACHES) Mr. Scott, I brung the-- (NOTICES THEM. BEAT) What are you two fellas doin' here?

HARRIS:

(GLEEFULLY CONSPIRATORIAL) Well, if it ain't Julius the barracuda!

FRANKIE:

(DITTO) Little Carp-Face himself.

TETLEY:

What are you guys up to? Why do ya got that Lincoln on the lawn?

HARRIS:

(PAUSE. CALMLY) Cause we got a Cadillac in the pool.

TETLEY:

Oh, that's different-- (TAKE) You got a what in the where?!

HARRIS:

We got a Cadillac in the pool.

TETLEY:

(SOTTO) Oh, I gotta report these guys to the Juvenile authorities. They just do these things to derange my immature brain.

HARRIS:

I keep tellin' ya that we got a car in the pool. Now, if ya don't believe it, look for yourself!

FRANKIE:

Yeah, bend over the pool, and look straight down.

TETLEY:

Lemme see... (LEANS OVER AND LOOKS) Hey, you guys ain't kiddin'!

FRANKIE:

(CONSIPIRATORIALLY) Curly, he's bendin' over.

HARRIS:

(DITTO) So he is. Shall we conga?

FRANKIE:

Let's.

BOTH:

(IN CONGA RHYTHM) One, two, three, kick! (THEY SHOVE JULIUS)

TETLEY:

(YELLS, AS HE FALLS IN THE POOL)

SFX:

BIG SPLASH ... BURBLING, UNDER

TETLEY:

(GURGLES, AS HE SINKS)

SFX:

BURBLING OUT

FRANKIE:

(PAUSE, SMILING) Look at that. He went right straight down.

HARRIS:

(CHUCKLING) Yeah. Look at him down there. Hey, Remley?

FRANKIE:

Heh?

HARRIS:

Quick, while he's still on the bottom, throw him the chain!

FRANKIE:

Yeah! (THROWS HEAVY CHAIN)

SFX:

SPLASH

SFX:

SPLASHING AND BURBLING, UNDER

TETLEY:

(COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING)

FRANKIE:

Oh, look! He's surfacing!

HARRIS:

Man the harpoons!

FRANKIE:

Right!

TETLEY:

(FURIOUS) What are ya, a coupla wise guys or somethin'?!

HARRIS:

Julius, as long as you're swimmin', do us a favour. Dive down to the bottom and attach the chain to that bumper.

TETLEY:

Go bang yer heads together! I'm gettin' outta this pool!

FRANKIE:

Not until you attach this chain!

TETLEY:

Don't tell me what to do! I'm climbin' outta here-- (STARTS TO CLIMB OUT. YELLS) Quit stompin' on my little fingers!

FRANKIE:

Will you put the chain on?

TETLEY:

All right, all right, ya monsters! Prob'ly safer down there anyway. Here I go! (DEEP BREATH. SINKS DOWN. GURGLING)

SFX:

BURBLING AND SPLASHING, UNDER

HARRIS:

(PAUSE) Hey, Remley?

FRANKIE:

Huh?

HARRIS:

How long d'you think it'll take him?

FRANKIE:

(THINKS) Ohhhh...he'll be down there about ten minutes.

HARRIS:

Can a person stay underwater that long?

FRANKIE:

Sure.

HARRIS:

And stay alive?

FRANKIE:

Oh, I dunno about that.

HARRIS:

Hey, look! He's comin' up already!

SFX:

SPLASHING & GURGLING LOUDER, UNDER

FRANKIE:

Oh.

TETLEY:

(GURGLING AS HE SURFACES. SPLUTTERS AND GASPS FOR BREATH, THEN...) Well, I got it attached!

HARRIS:

Thanks, kid! You can come on out now.

TETLEY:

(HEAVES HIMSELF OUT OF POOL)

SFX:

JULIUS GETS OUT OF POOL

TETLEY:

I'll get even wit' yez! One o' these days, if I stay away from you guys, I'm gonna grow up! And when I do--!

HARRIS:

Aw, stop beefin', willya! And shake the water outta your head! Look, Julius, Frankie and me are gonna get the Lincoln, and start pullin' that Cadillac up. Now, you stay here and let us know how it's comin' out.

TETLEY:

Okay. (BEAT. "HELPFULLY") Fellas, the best way to do this is to leave a little slack in the chain, and then start wit' a sudden jerk.

HARRIS:

Wait a minute, kid. Listen, kid, don't tell me how to do this. I'm a grown man, and I know more about it than you do. Now, come on, Frankie, get in.

FRANKIE:

Yeah.

SFX:

CAR DOORS OPEN ... PHIL & FRANKIE GET IN ... CAR DOORS CLOSE ... CAR MOTOR STARTS ... MOTOR RUMBLING, UNDER

FRANKIE:

How're ya gonna do this, Curly?

HARRIS:

I got it all figured out. Best thing to do is to leave a little slack in the chain, and then start with a sudden jerk. Let her go!

SFX:

CAR SHIFTS INTO GEAR ... REVERSES SLIGHTLY ... SHIFTS INTO DRIVE ... STRAINS A BIT ... ROARS FORWARD ... HEAVY METAL OBJECT CRASHES ONTO GROUND, AND IS DRAGGED ALONG, UNDER

HARRIS:

Hey, Remley, we must be gettin' it out. We're movin'.

FRANKIE:

Yeah!

HARRIS:

She's awful heavy, though. It's draggin'.

SFX:

DRAGGING OUT ... QUIET MOTOR RUMBLING, UNDER

FRANKIE:

Hey, Curly, isn't the lawn level here?

HARRIS:

Yeah.

FRANKIE:

Why is the car pointin' uphill?

TETLEY:

(CALLING, SMILING) Hey, fellas...

HARRIS:

(CALLING) What?

TETLEY:

You better come back here and get your rear wheels!

HARRIS:

(VOICE CRACKS) Rear wheels?! Oh, Frankie, what did ya do? Let's get out and look.

SFX:

MOTOR OUT ... CAR DOORS OPEN

HARRIS:

(LOOKING AT THE DAMAGE) Oh, Remley, look! We ripped out the whole rear end outta this car!

FRANKIE:

(STERNLY) You did it again, didn't ya?

HARRIS:

Let's keep it plural. We did it. Now, what are we gonna tell Mr. Scott?

FRANKIE:

Don't tell him anything. Maybe he won't notice it.

HARRIS:

Won't notice it? How can he help it? Look at the way it's squattin'!

TETLEY:

(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)

HARRIS:

Whattaya laughin' at?

TETLEY:

Mr. Scott's got the only Lincoln that starts from a crouchin' position.

HARRIS:

Now, beat it, willya, kid?! Get goin'! We're in enough trouble-- (SEES SCOTT APPROACHING) Uh-oh, Remley! Here comes Scotty! He's gonna murder us when he sees--

SCOTT:

(APPROACHING. STERNLY) Remley! I just saw my lawyer, and he said I can't do a thing. So, I fired him. But I've got half a mind--

TETLEY:

Ya got half a Lincoln, too.

SCOTT:

What are you talking--? (SEES IT. TAKE) Oh, no! What happened to my car?!

HARRIS:

(INNOCENTLY) Somethin' wrong with it?

SCOTT:

Something wrong?! Half of it's here, and half of it's down there! Look at it!

HARRIS:

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, it looks a little bit like a dachshund, doesn't it?

SCOTT:

Oh! My beautiful six-thousand-dollar special Lincoln, cut in half! What can I do with it?

FRANKIE:

Do what the Santa Fe does with the Chief. Run it in two sections.

SCOTT:

(SLOW BURN) Oh, you two, I... (CONTROLS HIMSELF) I'll take care of you later. Right now, I'd better tow this out of the driveway before my guests come. I'll get my Cadillac, and I-- (LOOKS FOR IT) My Cadillac... It was over in the gr-- (FURIOUS) Where's my Cadillac?!

HARRIS:

Oh, that's in the pool.

SCOTT:

(CALMLY) Oh, in the pool. (TAKE. EXPLODES) In the pool?! ?Oh, no! No, no, no, no! My Cadillac in the pool! My Lincoln torn in half! Both my cars, ruined! What am I going to do?!

HARRIS:

Sell your house, and move near a bus stop.

SCOTT:

(VENOMOUSLY) You're responsible for this. I'm in no condition to have a party. But at least I'll have the pleasure of taking care of you two. (OMINOUSLY CALM) Come here.

FRANKIE:

If he's not having a party, we might as well go, Curly.

HARRIS:

(QUICKLY) Yeah, ain't no sense in hangin' around. So long, Scotty!

SFX:

PHIL AND FRANKIE START TO WALK QUICKLY AWAY, UNDER

SCOTT:

(SLOW BURN) Come back here! Come--

SFX:

MR. SCOTT GOES AFTER THEM

MUSIC:

OMINOUS SWARMING, UNDER

FRANKIE:

(WALKING FASTER, CALLING) No. Ya didn't want me before, so I'm not gonna stay now!

HARRIS:

(WALKING FASTER, CALLING) And if Frankie can't stay, I'm not gonna stay either.

SCOTT:

(SLOW BURN) All I want to do is get my hands on you.

SFX:

THEY ALL START RUNNING, UNDER

FRANKIE:

(RUNNING) Curly, he's gainin' on us!

SCOTT:

(LOSING IT) If I catch you, I'll tear you limb from limb! (TOTAL MELTDOWN) I'll rip you apart! I'll throttle you with my bare hands!!!

SFX:

ALL RUNNING VERY FAST, UNDER

HARRIS:

(RUNNING) Full speed ahead, Remley!

SCOTT:

(RECEDING, AS THEY OUTRUN HIM. BELLOWING) Come back, you cowards!!!

MUSIC:

FAST SCAMPERING CURTAIN, THEN OUT

FORMAN:

Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. But first, here's your Rexall Family Druggist.

DRUGGIST:

Everyone knows that vitamins are necessary to life, but a lot of people don't know how scientists measure these mysterious substances to be sure they are present in vitamin products in the proper quantity.

The other day, I told a customer that in Rexall's laboratory, certain vitamins are measured by seeing how brightly they glow.

WOMAN:

Glow? Well, what on earth do you mean?

DRUGGIST:

(CHUCKLING) Just what I said, Ma'am. Rexall's men of science can check small amounts of certain vitamins in a product by determining how much light they give off.

WOMAN:

Look, I know Rexall scientists are good, but this you've got to explain.

DRUGGIST:

Well, here's how it's done. First, the vitamin is treated with a chemical that makes it fluorescent under ultraviolet light. In other words, it glows.

WOMAN:

Hmm... I'm with you so far.

DRUGGIST:

Then, it's placed in a machine, where a photoelectric cell--You might call it an electric eye--receives this glow, and transmits it in terms of electricity, to a special kind of meter. The amount of electricity registered on this meter is the exact measurement, or weight, of the vitamin. Believe it or not. This method can measure vitamin substances down to one gamma. And that, Ma'am, is one twenty-eight-millionth of an ounce.

WOMAN:

(IMPRESSED) No wonder you never hesitate to recommend Rexall drug products!

DRUGGIST:

Me and ten-thousand other independent Rexall druggists, Ma'am. And it's only natural. You see, we know that all of the two-thousand or more drug products made by the Rexall Drug Company get the same kind of up-to-the-minute testing. The same patient, painstaking care. That's why, in every store with the orange and blue Rexall sign on the windows, there's a family druggist who will tell you, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall.

FORMAN:

Good health to all from Rexall!

MUSIC:

REXALL FANFARE, THEN "ROSE ROOM" UP, AND OUT

FAYE:

(WEARILY) Well, Phil, you and Frankie really messed up Mr. Scott's party yesterday. I wonder what he's gonna do with his two cars.

HARRIS:

He's tryin' to sell 'em. (CHUCKLING) He's got an ad here in the paper. Look, it says, (READING) "For Sale, Cheap: A disjointed Lincoln and a waterlogged Cadillac." Hey, do you think he's mad at me and Frankie?

FAYE:

I think so, Dear. Look what it says underneath. (READING) "For Sale, Even Cheaper: One left-handed guitar player and a curly-headed bandleader."

HARRIS:

He can't sell Remley. He belongs to me!

MUSIC:

CLOSING THEME UP, AND UNDER

FORMAN:

This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips. Included in today's cast were Lois Corbet and Gale Gordon. The part of Frankie Remley was played by Elliott Lewis. And Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Alice Faye appeared through the courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox. This is Bill Forman, wishing good health to all, from Rexall!

MUSIC:

THEME CONTINUES, THEN FADES OUT

ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

NBC CHIMES