Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Miscellaneous Single Episodes
Show: The Chase and Sanborn Hour: Adam and Eve
Date: Dec 12 1937

This was the famous sketch whose double-entendre line readings by Mae West raised calls for censorship.*

CAST:
HOST, Don Ameche
SINGER, Dorothy Lamour
ANNOUNCER, Wendell Niles
EVE
ADAM
SNAKE

MUSIC:

... "EVERY DAY'S A HOLIDAY" ... THEN IN BG

HOST:

You remember the old adage that coming events cast their shadows before them. Well, we consider it a real event when Mae West makes one of her rare appearances on the air, so, by way of upholding a good old superstition, Dorothy Lamour does a little shadowcasting for us, with the title song from Miss West's new Major Studios picture, "Every Day's a Holiday."

SINGER:

There are Fourth of Julys
In both of your eyes
And an Easter Sunday, too,
'Cause every day's a holiday since the day that I found you.

Each Heaven-on-Earth day
Feels like a birthday,
A May Day rendezvous,
'Cause every day's a holiday since the day that I found you.

They ought to hang the flags out,
They ought to close the banks,
And though it's not November,
Still I feel like giving thanks.

You're a Happy New Year,
A movie premiere,
A Christmas present, too
'Cause every day's a holiday since the day that I found you.

MUSIC:

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK ... THEN SINGER REPEATS CHORUS AND ENDS WITH--

SINGER:

Since the day that I found you!

SOUND:

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

MUSIC:

"EVERY DAY'S A HOLIDAY" ... THEN IN BG

HOST:

And with that nice bit of foreshadowing by Dorothy Lamour, we come to the event itself, which is the presence of Mae West in our company tonight. Miss West has carved such a sizable niche for herself in the Hall of Fame with her unique characterizations that not only is her name known in every home up and down the country, but the phrases and expressions which she has originated have almost become a part of the American language. For us, she forsakes the picture hats and sweeping dresses of the Gay Nineties, which you'll find so becoming in her new picture, and turns back time to step into the Garden of Eden and into the character of the most fascinatin' woman of them all, Eve. Wendell, will ya set the scene for us?

MUSIC:

IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING-- ... OUT AT [X]

ANNOUNCER:

Well, of course, we find Adam and Eve in the famous Garden of Eden. And this lighthearted travesty, about what might have taken place in those days when the world was young, was written for us by Arch Oboler, one of radio's better-known writers.

Under a spreading fig tree rests one Mr. Adam -- sprawled out lazily in the hot sun. Eve, obviously, is bored beyond endurance as they play a game of cards with a deck of fig leaves. [X]

EVE:

Listen, tall, tanned and tired. It's time I told you a thing or two. Ever since Creation, I've done nothin' but playin' double solitaire. It's disgustin'! It's got me down!

ADAM:

Well, we've got a nice place here.

EVE:

That's the trouble. It's too nice.

ADAM:

Well, I'm not complaining.

EVE:

Mm, but I want somethin' to happen! A little excitement, a little adventure! A girl's gotta have a little fun once in a while. There's no future under a fig tree. ...

ADAM:

Aw -- now, come on, woman -- be like me. (YAWNS) Why don't you relax and just take it easy, hm?

EVE:

Mmm, 'cause I'm a lady of big ideas.

ADAM:

What kind of ideas?

EVE:

Oh, hmm-- You've no idea! Listen, Adam, I've got to get a chance to expand my personality.

ADAM:

Well, go on -- expand.

EVE:

I will. Out there.

ADAM:

Out there? You mean, outside the gates of the Garden of Eden?

EVE:

Now, you're talkin'!

ADAM:

Oh, but - but who knows what's out there?

EVE:

Mmm, I'd find out.

ADAM:

Aw, no, no. We can't go. We've still got a lease on this place! ...

EVE:

You mean to tell me a lease is the thing that's holdin' me back from developin' my personality?

ADAM:

Well, a lease is a lease. Anyway, we've got a nice place here -- temperature perfect, sun always shining, nothing but a heavy dew once in a while.

EVE:

Mmmm ... What are you, the Chamber of Commerce? ...

ADAM:

(YAWNS) Oh, go away, let me sleep, will you?

EVE:

Listen, Adam, I tell ya, ya gotta get me out of this place. Ya gotta break the lease.

ADAM:

Yeah, but what for? This is Eden. Everything is peaceful and quiet and safe.

EVE:

That's the trouble. It's too safe. I tell ya, it's disgustin'!

ADAM:

What are you talkin' about?

EVE:

Adam, you don't know a thing about women.

ADAM:

Oh, you apparently forget you were originally one of my own ribs.

EVE:

Yeah. A rib once, and now I'm beefin'! ...

ADAM:

Me, I know everything about women.

EVE:

That's coverin' a lot of territory. Listen, long, lazy, and lukewarm ... you think I wanta stay in this place all my life?

ADAM:

I do, and I tell ya, you're one of my ribs.

EVE:

Yeah, but one of your floatin' ribs. A couple of months of peace and security and a woman's bored all the way down to the bottom of her marriage certificate.

ADAM:

Well, then, what do you want? Trouble?

EVE:

Trouble? Listen, if trouble means somethin' that makes you catch ya breath-- If trouble means somethin' that makes ya blood run through ya veins like seltzer water-- Mmmmmmmm, Adam, mah man, give me trouble!

ADAM:

Awwww, Eve, you don't want trouble.

EVE:

Ah, now tell me the low-down truth. Ain't there any way you can break our lease?

ADAM:

Well, yes, there is. But I won't tell you.

EVE:

No?

ADAM:

No. This is Paradise. Free light. Free heat. Free meals. What else could a man want? Answer me that.

EVE:

Mmmmmmmm, I got a couple of good ideas if you'll tell me how to break the lease.

ADAM:

No, I won't do it.

EVE:

(SEDUCTIVE) Oh, Adam.

ADAM:

What?

EVE:

(SUGGESTIVE) C'mon over here. ...

ADAM:

(PAUSE) What for, to hold hands?

EVE:

Oh-- (CHUCKLES) That old game? ... Can'tcha think of somethin' new? (ANNOYED) You know, you know nothin' about nothin'.

ADAM:

(INDIGNANT) Oh, yes, I do! I know more than you do, woman!

EVE:

Ohhhh, what, for instance?

ADAM:

I know all about the tree.

EVE:

What tree, man? What tree?

ADAM:

That apple tree in the middle of the garden. The lease says that if we eat any of its fruit, we get thrown out of here.

EVE:

Oh, now, is that a fact?

ADAM:

Sure. That's why there's a fence around it. I tell you, one bite of those apples and we get a dispossess.

EVE:

Mmmmmmmmm, how fascinatin'. Adam, you can hold my hand now.

ADAM:

Naw. No, I - I got a better idea.

EVE:

Oh, yeah? I'm listenin', I'm waitin'. Well, what are ya gonna do now?

ADAM:

I think I'll go fishing. ...

EVE:

How disgustin'.

ADAM:

Now, wait a minute, you can't talk to me that way! Do you realize I'm Man Number One?

EVE:

Yeah, but are ya Number One Man? ...

ADAM:

(YAWNS) Well, I'll see you around suppertime. (MOVING OFF) I'll be back.

EVE:

(TO HERSELF) Aaahhhhh, so that's the trouble. So it's the tree over there. Mmmmmmmmmmm. (TO THE TREE) Hello, tree. How would you like to do a little lease breakin' for a woman with ideas, hmm? (TO HERSELF) Not room enough to squeeze through those slats for a woman of my personality. Now, if I only knew someone skinny enough--

SNAKE:

Salutations, Mrs. Eve.

EVE:

Oh! If it isn't Mr. Snake. Hello, long, dark and slinky.

SNAKE:

Mrs. Eve, why are you standing by that tree?

EVE:

Stop wigglin' and I'll tell ya. ... Listen, I know you don't approve, but I've got a little proposition to make.

SNAKE:

I certainly refuse to listen. What is it?

EVE:

Do you think, er, with the proper provocation, you could squeeze through that fence around the tree?

SNAKE:

That's the forbidden tree.

EVE:

Oh, don't be technical. Answer me this, my palpitatin' python -- would you like to have this whole paradise to yourself?

SNAKE:

Certainly.

EVE:

Okay. Then pick me a handful of fruit. Adam and I'll eat it, and the Garden of Eden is all yours. What do you say?

SNAKE:

Sounds all right. But it's forbidden fruit!

EVE:

Listen, what are you -- my friend in the grass or a snake in the grass?

SNAKE:

But forbidden fruit--!

EVE:

Are you a snake or are you a mouse?

SNAKE:

I'll - I'll do it. (SLITHERY TONGUE NOISE)

EVE:

Mmmmm, now you're talkin'! Here, right in-between those pickets!

SNAKE:

I'm - I'm stuck!

EVE:

Oh, shake your hips! There, there -- now you're through!

SNAKE:

I shouldn't be doing this.

EVE:

Yeah, but you're doin' all right. Now, get me a big one -- I feel like doin' a Big Apple! ...

SNAKE:

Here you are, Mrs. Eve.

EVE:

Mmm. Oh, I see. Nice goin', swivel hips. ...

SNAKE:

Wait a minute. It won't work. Adam'll never eat that forbidden apple.

EVE:

Oh, yes, he will -- when I'm through with it.

SNAKE:

Nonsense; he won't.

EVE:

He will if I feed it to him like [what] women are gonna feed men for the rest of time!

SNAKE:

What's that?

EVE:

Apple sauce. ...

ADAM:

(APPROACHES, CALLS) Eve? Where are ya, Eve?

EVE:

Mm, waitin', my love, just waitin'!

ADAM:

(YAWNS) Well, hello, Eve. What've you been doin'?

EVE:

Me? Oh, I've just been makin' a little history.

ADAM:

Huh?

EVE:

The first woman to make a monkey out of a snake.

ADAM:

Say, how 'bout supper? And don't tell me we got fig stew again.

EVE:

Oh, no. Somethin' new, so help me, somethin' new. Here, have a bite of this.

ADAM:

Well, what is it?

EVE:

A new kind of sauce. It's good for ya.

ADAM:

Uh, are you sure?

EVE:

Mmm. Just to prove it's pure, a hundred percent proof, I'll have a demi-tasse of it myself. All right, I'll-- No, no, wait. Before you eat, answer me this -- are ya gonna take me out of this dismal dump and give me a chance to develop my personality?

ADAM:

Oh, Eve, are you gonna start that over again?

EVE:

No, I'm going to end it. Eat your sauce, big boy -- and hold your hat, if you've got one.

ADAM:

(MOUTH FULL) Oh! Say! Say, this is darn good sauce! Where did you find it--?

SOUND:

THUNDER CRASH! ... SIMULTANEOUS WITH--

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA CRASH! ... THEN OUT

ADAM:

(GROANS) Ohhhhhhhhh, my head. What--? Oh, what happened to me?

EVE:

Hm. We've been dispossessed.

ADAM:

Yeah, but - but why?

EVE:

Forbidden Apple sauce!

ADAM:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, Eve, what have you done?!

EVE:

I've just made a little more history, that's all. I'm the first woman to have her own way -- and a snake'll take the rap for it! ...

ADAM:

But, Eve, we've lost the Garden of Eden! We're - we're - we're just--

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN ... SEDUCTIVE

ADAM:

(SUDDENLY, A CHANGED MAN) Eve! It's - it's as if I see ya for the first time. You're beautiful!

EVE:

(PLEASED) Mmmm, and you fascinate me.

ADAM:

Your eyes!

EVE:

Ahhh, tell me more.

ADAM:

(WEAKENING) Your - your lips. Come closer. I want to hold you closer. I wanta--

EVE:

(BEAT) You wanna what?

SOUND:

BIG WET SLOPPY KISS ... THEN THUNDER CRASH!

MUSIC:

A BIG ACCENT

ADAM:

Eve! What - what - what was that?

EVE:

That was the original ... kiss.

MUSIC:

SHAVE-AND-A-HAIRCUT FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

HOST:

Thank you, Mae West, for that most illuminating glimpse of the lady who was responsible for so much history. The Chase and Sanborn Hour -- with Nelson Eddy, Mae West, Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, Dorothy Lamour, the Stroud Twins and Robert Armbruster -- will continue in just a moment.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES ...