Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Vic and Sade
Show: Miss Keller's Wedding Ring
Date: Sep 15 1944

Transcript courtesy of American Radio Theater

FX:

ORGAN MUSIC

ED:

And now get ready to smile again with radio's home folks, Vic and Sade, written by Paul Rymer. Vic and Sade. It's brought to you by Ivory Flakes.

MARG:

Ivory Flakes. With their gentle care your clothes will give you up to twice the wear.

ED:

Margaret, what have you got draped over your arm?

MARG:

A new pair of curtains. I was just showing them to someone.

ED:

Oh, let's see them.

MARG:

Oh, you can look, but don't touch. Rayon curtains are scarce as bobby pins these days.

ED:

Oh, I won't hurt them.

MARG:

Maybe not, but the only thing that can touch these curtains is pure gentle Ivory Flakes.

ED:

I'm gentle.

MARG:

And pure?

ED:

(Laugh) You win.

MARG:

(Laugh) Friends. Ivory Flakes are really gentle. So mild, they help even delicate rayon curtains stay lovely.

ED:

Practically like new.

MARG:

Dainty and filmy.

ED:

Up to twice as long.

MARG:

Yes, when they are washed gently in Ivory Flakes.

ED:

Wash tests prove it.

MARG:

Wash tests were made on so many things. Rayon curtains of course and all kinds of clothes.

ED:

Blouses, sweaters, rayon slacks.

MARG:

Lingerie, rayon dresses. Those things were washed over and over.

ED:

In Ivory Flakes mind you.

MARG:

And they stayed bright, full of color.

ED:

Those tests prove with Ivory Flakes care, you'll get up to twice the wear.

MARG:

That's why when occasionally your dealer is out of Ivory Flakes, it will pay you to wait for them.

ED:

He'll have more soon.

MARG:

It would be a shame to buy the wrong kind of soap. Why, when you wash clothes the wrong way, the things that can happen. Very often they'll fade, or the materials give way, or the seams will fray out.

ED:

Not to mention the water pipes might burst and the house cave in.

MARG:

(Laugh) Ed, I'm serious.

ED:

I'll say you were.

MARG:

Well it's a serious business, this making things last.

ED:

I know. We've all got to these days.

MARG:

So friends, for your nice clothes.

ED:

Use Ivory Flakes.

MARG:

From rayon dresses to rayon stockings, use them. Incidentally, strain tests were made. They showed rayons washed in Ivory Flakes lasted twice as long as stockings washed with the wrong kind of soap.

ED:

Ivory Flakes are so mild, Ivory mild.

MARG:

And Ivory pure.

ED:

Try them for your blouses, your slips, your sweaters and housecoats. With gentle Ivory Flakes care you'll get up to twice the wear. And now back to Vic and Sade.

FX:

ORGAN MUSIC

ED:

Well sir, the evening meal has been over only a little while as our scene opens now and here in the living room of the small house halfway up on the next block we find Mr. & Mrs. Victor Gook. Our friends are seated on the davenport with sections of the newspaper and the master of the menage seems to have come upon an article of interest for he is reading aloud with briskness and enjoyment, listen.

VIC:

Multiple co-efficients of modern business procedure. Mr. O'Slooner also touched on the variance in imponderables connected with the mercantile conduct in general. Thinking men in this day and age, he said, may be likened to the merchants of ancient times to whom miscellaneous tenants of humanitarianism and occult perceptive considerations were in direct relation......

SADE:

Oh ish Vic ..... Let me read my own trash here.

VIC:

What trash is that?

SADE:

A little daily love story.

VIC:

You would prefer to occupy your mind with childish and trivial ...

SADE:

Yes, and anyway I heard the kitchen door open. Is that you, Russell?

RUSS:

Hi Mom. (muffled) Somebody's here.

VIC:

Mr. Curtis O'Slooner says, whose words I was quotin' formerly taught mathematics in college.

SADE:

Did he?

RUSS:

We're going to have company.

VIC:

Seems to me as long as a man of his intellectual caliber is willing to surrender the fruit of his rich thoughts in a newspaper article the least we can do...

SADE:

What's Billy hollerin' about?

VIC:

Something extremely vital and important, no doubt.

SADE:

Yes, Billy.

RUSS:

Uncle Fletcher's here.

VIC:

Curtis O. Slooten of course never says anything with nonsense. He's just a poor half-wit. Poor old Curtis O Slooten....

SADE:

Oh, ish Vic. Where is Uncle Fletcher?

RUSS:

He'll be right along. He paused out in the alley a minute to speak to Mr. Razerscum.

SADE:

Mr. Razerscum's in Peoria.

RUSS:

Oh, I mean Mr. Kneesoffer. By George, he's sure steppin' around lively this evenin'

SADE:

Mr. Kneesoffer?

RUSS:

No, Uncle Fletcher. He come waltzin' up the alley rapid as a horse.

SADE:

Busy with a million more details in connection with Miss Keller getting married, I bet.

RUSS:

Uh huh.

VIC:

Say, here's something you can understand. Human ingenuity, Mr. O'Skooner, went on to say, is merely...

SADE:

I don't want to understand that craziness. Vic, read it to yourself.

VIC:

Craziness she calls it.

SADE:

What do I care about human ingenuity and trash.

VIC:

Trash. Trash she says.

FLETCH:

Hello

SADE:

Here we are.

Rus:

Hi.

FLETCH:

In the living room, are we, Sadie?

Sade:

Yes. Everybody.

Fletcher:

Fine.

SADE:

You're not going to hold that newspaper up in front of your face and read while we got company, I don't suppose.

VIC:

I have a paragraph to finish.

SADE:

Put your newspaper down.

VIC:

I'll put this newspaper down after I have finished this paragraph.

SADE:

Who was it who used the word childish a minute ago? What great big man said somebody was childish and made some...

FLETCH:

Sadie honey, Vic honey. I know this is unforgivable, me breaking in on you in this unceremonious fashion, but matters of pressing nature intervened and made the alternative unbearable. Don't get up, Vic.

VIC:

I hadn't intended to.

FLETCH:

You people are entertaining friends this evening?

SADE:

No, we're not.

FLETCH:

And have your plans all formulated, but I assure you I will cut this intrusion as short as possible.

SADE:

No, we're not entertaining any friends this evening.

FLETCH:

I'd like to stay and say hello to Ted and Ruthie but I imagine I'll be gone before they arrive.

SADE:

Ted and Ruthie aren't coming over tonight. What on earth ever gave you that idea?

FLETCH:

Russell, honey, you may take my cap and hang it in the hallway if you please

RUSS:

Sure, you bet.

FLETCH:

You were probably on your way there anyhow.

RUSS:

Yes, I was.

FLETCH:

Vic, honey, when interventions of a pressing urgency demand a man's presence on various premises, you might as well liquidate the troublesome details and take the bull by the horns and keep the alternative unbearable.

Vic:

What on earth are you talkin' about?

FLETCH:

I don't blame you for smiling.

Vic:

I'm not smiling.

FLETCH:

The same old thing, the same old thing.

Vic:

Er.

FLETCH:

It's just like I said the other day, if I'm not careful, I said, I'm liable to get caught up in the frenzied floodwaters of activity and been destroyed against the rocks.

VIC:

What rocks?

SADE:

Oh, ish. All right, we won't require any of that.

VIC:

Eh.

FLETCH:

Sadie, honey, I'm here to ask a favor.

SADE:

Oh.

FLETCH:

Seems like I'm always doing that anymore.

SADE:

Why, not at all. Is it in connection with your landlady getting married?

FLETCH:

More details, Sadie, honey. More details and still more details. And they all fall on my shoulders. You hung up my cap in the hallway already, Russell?

RUSS:

Uh huh.

FLETCH:

Thank you.

RUSS:

Not at all.

FLETCH:

He hung up my cap in the hallway.

VIC:

Yeah

FLETCH:

It's things like that a man don't soon forget.

VIC:

Ohhhh.

FLETCH:

When a man is as busy as I am, when a man hasn't got one single lame brain minute he can call his own that man appreciates the little kindnesses. The small thoughtfulnesses and the insignificant interventions that make the alternative unbearable.

VIC:

(chuck and choke)

FLETCH:

Life, old Vic, it does have its funny side.

SADE:

Well, um, what's the favor you wanted to ask, Uncle Fletcher?

FLETCH:

What time are you expecting your company?

SADE:

We're not expecting any company.

FLETCH:

It's Ted and Ruthie Stembottom I'm referring to.

SADE:

They're not coming over tonight. I believe they're taking in a picture show tonight.

FLETCH:

They'll enjoy that.

SADE:

Well, I hope so.

FLETCH:

Ted and Ruthie will enjoy that. They'll derive a considerable bit of recreation from the picture show.

SADE:

Uhm.

FLETCH:

And this gives us time to discuss this matter concerning Miss Leota Keller's approaching bridegroom, Mr. Harry Feeburn.

RUSS:

What's new with him?

SADE:

Grownups will handle this, Russell.

FLETCH:

Mr. Harry Feeburn, Leota Keller's approaching bridegroom, wrote me a letter which arrived in the afternoon mail which stated he would like to have me go the jewelry store and purchase a ring.

SADE:

Well.

FLETCH:

They got no jewelry stores in Yellowjump, North Dakota.

SADE:

Oh, ahhh.

FLETCH:

I am instructed to purchase the ring, leave it in the jeweler's possession, and Feeburn will pick it up and pay for it when he arrives for the wedding.

SADE:

Yes, um hum, sure.

FLETCH:

Perhaps, Sadie, honey, you can anticipate the reasons that brought me to intrude in an unceremonious fashion when I was aware you expected company. Perhaps you can anticipate the reasons.

VIC:

That made the alternative unbearable.

FLETCH:

Beg pardon, Vic, honey?

VIC:

I was just following your thought. I said perhaps Sadie could anticipate the reasons that made the alternative unbearable.

FLETCH:

Exactly, exactly.

VIC:

So far, as clear as crystal.

SADE:

I know what he means. And you'd better watch your step, mister. You want me to help you pick out the ring, Uncle Fletcher, isn't that it?

FLETCH:

Yes.

SADE:

I'll be delighted to.

FLETCH:

Woman's jewelry is trash I don't know a good deal about.

SADE:

Well no, of course not.

FLETCH:

Horses I understand. Tractors I understand. Peanut machines I can take apart and put together blindfolded. I can shim up a railroad track and install ankle bolts and solder grips as quick as any man in the business, but woman's jewelry, there's where I knuckle down and play like a weasel.

SADE:

Uh hum. Well, shall we make a date, you and me. How about tomorrow? Tomorrow's Saturday, we could.

FLETCH:

See, how everything gets thrown in my lap. I buy the nitwit ring, I engage the numbskull preacher, I act in the capacity of lame brain best man, I even climb on the train by myself and visit Champaigne, Arvana, Clinton, Springfield and Illiopolis in order to take a fathead honeymoon for the happy couple.

SADE:

Yes, does look like you're a pretty much handlin' the whole affair.

FLETCH:

If I don't watch myself I'm liable to get caught up in the frenzied floodgates of activity and be destroyed against the rocks.

SADE:

Hum

RUSS:

We must remember to go down to the Urban station and throw old shoes at you when you go on your honeymoon.

FLETCH:

Yes, that's about the size of it I wouldn't be surprised at what than happens. I'll be down there climbin' on the train to visit Champagne, Arbana, Clinton, Springfield and Illiopolis and the halfwit, lamb brained, numb skull crowd will shy old shoes at me. Thunder, I been so busy the last few weeks working on this flathead marriage about three-fourths of the chaps that loaf down the courthouse yard think I'm the feeble minded bride groom.

VIC:

Is that a fact?

FLETCH:

Sure. That's a fact. Huh.

SADE:

Well, how about tomorrow, Uncle Fletcher? I'm going to be downtown anyway with Ruthie and if you'd like to meet me somewhere we could..

FLETCH:

I'm even going to purchase Harry Feenburn a suit of clothes.

SADE:

I bet you're going to purchase (fading) a suit of...

FLETCH:

I am going to buy Miss Leota Keller's approaching husband, Mr. Harry Feenburg a suit of clothes.

VIC:

To get married in?

FLETCH:

To get married in.

SADE:

Well, if Mr. Feenburn...

FLETCH:

The general store there in Yellowjump, North Dakota, don't carry a line of fashionable gents apparel. They deal more in overshoes and work pants. In his letter, which arrived this afternoon, Harry Feenburn asked me to pick out a neat pepper and salt suit of good quality to be married in. More worries, more worries.

RUSS:

Smelly Clark loves to tell about the time his father got into it

fletch:

You'll grant this favor then, Sadie, honey?

SADE:

Happy to.

fletch:

Fetch me my cap, Russell, please.

RUSS:

Sure.

fletch:

I left it in the hallway there.

RUSS:

I left it in the hallway there.

SADE:

We'll meet downtown tomorrow afternoon then.

FLETCH:

Hum?

SADE:

To pick out a ring for Mr. Freeburn.

fletch:

We can verify the matter over the telephone.

SADE:

Well, why not verify it right now? Suppose we meet in Hamilton's.

fletch:

I prefer to verify the matter over the telephone.

SADE:

Oh.

fletch:

That's the businesslike way.

SADE:

Oh

fletch:

Vic, honey, once again I apologize for the intrusion.

VIC:

OK

fletch:

Your company, I guess, Sadie, will arrive any minute now.

SADE:

We're not expecting any company.

FLETCH:

Give Ruth and Teddie my very best regards.

SADE:

All right.

fletch:

Tell them that when I'm free from the million and one details connected with my landlady getting married, I hope to renew our pleasant friendship.

SADE:

All right.

fletch:

You fetch my cap for me, Russell?

RUSS:

Uh huh.

fletch:

Thank you.

RUSS:

Not at all.

fletch:

He fetched me my cap from the hallway.

VIC:

Oh he's the greatest boy on the face of the earth.

fletch:

When a man is as busy as I am, when a man hasn't got once single lame brained minute he can call his own, that man appreciates the little kindnesses the small thoughfulnesses and the insignificant interventions that make the alternative unbearable.

VIC:

No doubt about it.

fletch:

You'll convey my warmest regards to Ted and Ruthie when they arrive.

SADE:

Yeah.

fletch:

Sade, Russelll and Vickie, honey.

ALL:

Uh hum

FLETCH:

I'm leaving you now.

ALL:

Uhm

FLETCH:

Good-bye.

FX:

BUMBLEBEE MUSIC

ED:

Which concludes another brief interlude at the small house half way up in the next block.

MARGE:

Ed, what mix-ups people can get into.

ED:

And usually just because of misunderstandings.

MARGE:

Yes, if we'd only think things through. For instance, women worry about their rayon stockings not lasting very long. If they'd stop and think.

ED:

Yes, if they'd stop and think of nightly Ivory Flakes care.

MARGE:

And try it.

ED:

Then they'd find their stockings would last longer.

MARGE:

Friends, stocking strain tests were made. In those tests, Rayon's washed in Ivory Flakes lasted twice as long.

ED:

That's a fact. Twice as long as stockings washed with the wrong kind of soap.

MARGE:

And oh, what nightly Ivory Flakes care does for the fit of rayon stockings. Takes away that wrinkled, baggy look.

ED:

Keeps them neat

MARGE:

Trim and sleek.

ED:

You bet.

MARGE:

You know friends, Ivory Flakes are mild. Ivory mild and Ivory pure.

ED:

So even if your dealer is out of Ivory Flakes once in a while, keep asking for them.

MARGE:

Never wash any of your nice things the wrong way. Always give your blouses, housecoats, slips gentle Ivory Flakes care.

ED:

You'll get up to twice the wear. Again Monday join in the fun with Vic and Sade. Same time, same station. This is Ed Hurlehey

MARGE:

And Margaret MacDonald.

ED:

Saying good day for Ivory Flakes.

FX:

ORGAN MUSIC THEME

ED:

Send used fats against the enemy. Now more than ever, used fats are needed for ammunition, medicinal supplies. Save used fats.

ANNCR:

This is the National Broadcasting Company