Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Fibber McGee and Molly
Show: Fibber's Closet
Date: Mar 05 1940

We transcribed this show over 20 years ago and can't find the original cassette anymore, but it's a great show to perform as it features Fibber's closet not once, but twice.

ANNCR:

The Johnson Wax Program with Fibber McGee and Molly!

MUSIC IN

ANNCR:

The makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's self-polishing Glo-Coat present Fibber McGee and Molly!

MUSIC UP AND UNDER

ANNCR:

And once again, it's Fibber McGee and Molly time. Fibber McGee and Molly, the dramatic story of a woman with her faith in a man, and a man with his faith in a newspaper. Will something exciting unusual or momentous take place in the little frame house at seventy-nine Wistful Vista tonight? Or is that expecting too much? Yes, I guess it's expecting too much. Anyway, here they are, Fibber McGee and Molly!

MOLLY:

Anything interesting in the paper, dearie?

SFX:

CRUMPLING OF NEWSPAPER

FIBBER:

Well, here's an interesting article in crop surfaces, Molly.

MOLLY:

Ya don't say?

FIBBER:

Yeah, now take corn for instance...

MOLLY:

Certainly. We can take it and we can dish it out.

FIBBER:

Hey, I'm serious. This writer says that if conditions keep up, the small farmer will be completely annihilliated. (PRONOUNCE ANNIE-HILLI-ATED)

MOLLY:

Oh...

FIBBER:

Hey, uh, what's uh, annihilliated?

MOLLY:

Annihilliated. . .

FIBBER:

Uh-huh.

MOLLY:

Why that means uh...well uh... when the farmer uh... Well now for instance, uh...

FIBBER:

(interrupting) Where's the dictionary?

MOLLY:

It's probably in the closet with the rest of your stuff. Give me your key and I'll get it for you.

FIBBER:

Ohhhh, no you don't! You lay the stuff in that closet! I've got all my stuff arranged in there just the way I want it.

MOLLY:

Now, don't be silly, give me the key.

FIBBER (sighs) Well, okay. Now let's see, which one of these is the one...

MOLLY:

Heavenly Daze, why do you carry all these keys? Does it make you feel important or something?

FIBBER:

What do you mean, important? Every one of them keys is necessary!

MOLLY:

What's that little key there for?

FIBBER:

Uh, well, that's a padlock key.

MOLLY:

What padlock?

FIBBER:

Well, for the backyard gate we used to have in Peoria.

MOLLY:

What are ya keepin' that for? Are ya homesick?

FIBBER:

No, but if we ever moved back to Peoria. I'd try to rent the same house 'cause this key fits the padlock there. You gotta think ahead in these things...And you see this key here?

MOLLY:

Looks like the key to a can of salmon.

FIBBER:

Nope, Sardines....I use that to clean my pipe with.

MOLLY:

Oh, I see.

FIBBER:

No, let's see... which one of these keys is the closet door key?

MOLLY:

Say, maybe we'd better see if the closet is locked, let me take a look...

FIBBER:

Oh, it's locked all right, you don't think I'd leave all my personal defects laying around for any prowler to get his hands on.

SFX:

DOOR OPENING

MOLLY:

(off mike) McGee, it isn't locked!

SFX:

THE CLOSET

MOLLY:

(over SFX) Can you give me a hand with all this stuff that's fallin' out? ....Oh!

SFX:

FALLING ENDS

MOLLY:

Help, McGee, I'm buried alive! Get this junk off of me!

FIBBER:

All right, but dadrabbit, you might have been more careful!

MOLLY:

Quick, help!!! There's funny little bugs all over me! Brush 'em off, quick!!!!

FIBBER:

Oh, calm yourself, calm yourself! Them are my trout flies!

MOLLY:

-Oh....

FIBBER:

Doggone it, Molly, why'd you have to go an mess up...

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR INTERRUPTS

MOLLY:

Oh dear, come in!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

VOICE:

Fibber McGee and Molly?

MOLLY:

(annoyed) Yes....

VOICE:

Tell me, with all these radio shows being changed, is it true that you're going to cut your program down to fifteen minutes?

FIBBER:

Whaddya mean, cut it down? It's only fifteen minutes!

VOICE:

What!!! Boy, it sure seems like a half hour!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

FIBBER:

Well, as the guy says when he fell of of the horse and heard something bust, that sounded like a rib!

MOLLY:

Well, never mind that now.

SFX:

SORTING THROUGH JUNK

MOLLY:

Dear, oh dear. look at all this junk that fell out of that closet.

FIBBER:

Don't worry, I'll put it back Molly, I'll-

MOLLY:

(interrupts) Oh, no ya won't!

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

We're gonna go through that pile of whatnots and throw everything out we don't need!

FIBBER:

Oh, yeah? Well, I've been through this stuff a hundred times and there ain't a thing of it that I can spare.

MOLLY:

Oh, there isn't?

FIBBER:

No!

MOLLY:

What's this old rusty horseshoe for?

FIBBER:

Well, I found that in nineteen-ought-eleven. Soon as I find three more, we can pitch horseshoes in the back yard.

MOLLY:

I see, you expect to find three more?

FIBBER:

You betcha.

MOLLY:

Ya don't think the automobile is here to stay, eh?

FIBBER:

It won't be if we don't catch up with the payments.

SFX:

DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

GIRL:

Hi mister!

FIBBER:

Oh, hello there, little girl. Whatcha want?

GIRL:

You remember that job you promised me to take care of your baby only you didn't have one, so I was gonna bring my little brother over and take care of him, remember. hmmmm, do ya, hmmmm?

FIBBER:

Yes, yes, sure I remember but I--

GIRL:

Well, well, well, the deal is off, see.

FIBBER:

Whatcha mean the deal is off? In the first place there wasn't any deal, and in the second place--

GIRL! My mommy had to take my little brother to the doctor today, so I can't bring him over.

FIBBER:

Oh well, that's too bad. What's the matter with your little brother? Anything serious?

GIRL:

My momma thinks so.

FIBBER:

Oh.. she thinks so, huh?

GIRL:

Umm, she thinks so. She thinks he swallowed a dime.

FIBBER:

Swallowed a dime? Well, say, that IS serious!

GIRL:

Oh, no it isn't!

FIBBER:

Oh, yes it is!

GIRL:

Oh, no it isn't!

FIBBER:

Oh, yes it is!

GIRL:

Aw, he didn't swallow a dime. I betcha!

FIBBER:

Huh?

GIRL:

It was only eight cents.

FIBBER:

Only eight cents, how do you know?

GIRL:

Well, we were playing slot machine and I fed it to him.

Whatcha doin' mister?

FIBBER:

Well, we're cleaning out this closet, if you must know.

GIRL:

I musn't.

FIBBER:

Musn't what?

GIRL:

Know.

FIBBER:

No?

GIRL:

Yes.

FIBBER:

What?

GIRL:

Hmmm?

FIBBER:

Oh. (pause) Listen, kid. Suppose you go on home and annoy somebody else? Go bother your daddy.

GIRL:

He isn't home. He's workin' on the senseless.

FIBBER:

On the what?

GIRL:

The senseless. He goes to peoples doors and asks them how many people in the family, and how old are you, and all the stuff like that there, I betcha.

FIBBER:

Oh, you mean the census. Shucks, I didn't think a kid your age knew what a census was.

GIRL:

Well, I do, I betcha.

FIBBER:

Yeah?

GIRL:

A census is "information Please" on the red, white, and blue network! (Hums "Hooray for our flag hold it High!) Well, goodbye, mister!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS AMD CLOSES

SFX:

GOING THROUGH JUNK

MOLLY:

Ahh...heavenly daze, McGee, imagine all this stuff fallin' outta one little closet! How'd ya ever get it all in there?

FIBBER:

Oh, I don't know... I guess I just inherited a gift for packin'. My great Aunt Minnie had a job stuffing pimentos into olives. Oh, hey, look at this, Molly, It's the tabaret I made in manual training. MOLLY: Hmmm...

FIBBER:

Yeah.

MOLLY:

Didn't you ever finish anything? It's only got three legs.

FIBBER:

They wouldn't let me stay in the fifth grade another year.

MOLLY:

Ah, McGee, look... One of our old dance programs from before we were married. I didn't know you were so sentimental, dearie..

FIBBER:

Is that a dance program? I was savin' it on account of that little pencil hangin' onto it. You never know when you'll need a pencil.

MOLLY:

Ah...listen to this... Waltz, Waltz, Turkey Trot, Waltz, Bunny Hug, Waltz, Texas Tommy, Waltz...

FIBBER:

What, no shottish?

MOLLY:

(giggles) Grizly Bear, Waltz,...Ah, you had every dance with me but the last waltz! (angry) McGee! Who did you dance that one with?

FIBBER:

Why, nobody. We sat that one out. In the buggy, remember?

MOLLY:

Ahh.., Oh, yes. And we couldn't go back to the dance because you sat on a box of chocolote covered cherries and spoiled your white pants!

SFX:

GOING THROUGH JUNK

FIBBER:

Well, let me see, Molly. How about this old photograph album here?

MOLLY:

I should say not! That's got all our family pictures in it!

FIBBER:

Oh dear.

MOLLY:

Ah....here's one of me aunt Ab and Aunt Carrie. They both had big families.

FIBBER:

Yeah. how many kids did they have, anyway?

MOLLY:

Ten between them. Ab six and Carrie four. McGee, now what are ya...

SFX:

OPENING DOOR INTERRUPTS

ANNCR:

Well, hello, folks, I was just going by and I thought I- Well, what goes on here, have you been buying out an antique store?

FIBBER:

Hi,_________

MOLLY:

Nah, this is just a lot of stuff McGee's been hoarding in the closet, Mr.__________.

ANNCR:

Isn't it wonderful how much you can pack into so .little space? For instance, you only give me about six lines to tell how Johnson's Glo-Coat saves hours of housecleaning, because it beautifies and protects linoleum with absolutely no rubbing or buffing.

FIBBER:

(mumbling) Isn't it wonderful?

ANNCR:

But in those six lines I think I can get the idea across pretty well that a self-polishing preparation like Glo-Coat is the very essence of good housekeeping.

MOLLY:

(off mike) Hmmm.

FIBBER:

Boy.

ANNCR:

It's so easy to use that it's easy to tell about.

MOLLY:

Ah...

FIBBER:

Isn't he marvelous, folks? That guy has dedicated his whole life to Johnson's Glo-Coat.

ANNCR:

What do you mean, Fibber?

FIBBER:

_______, they tell me that way back when you were in college, they wanted you to stoke the crew, and you said "no--no stoking, no rubbing, and no buffing." Even for dear old University of Southwestern Nebraska.

MOLLY:

Is that true, Mr.__________?

ANNCR:

No, No, I wasn't a crewman. I went out for ROTC.

FIBEER:

Oh, Reserve Officers Training Corps?

ANNCR:

No, Revolutionizing Old Time Cleaning.

MOLLY:

Ah...

ANNCR:

Well, so long folks!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

MOLLY:

Well, he gotcha there, McGee!

FIBBER:

Well, as the golf ball says when it landed five feet from the tee, I think I've been topped!

MOLLY:

Ya mean you're gonna keep all this junk? Can't we throw any of it out?

FIBBER:

Nope. No sir. I've got a use for every one of these things...

MOLLY:

Now you don't need this, do ya?

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

Now, what good is one snowshoe?

FIBBER:

Why...one what?

MOLLY:

Snowshoe.

FIBBER:

(surprised) Is that a snowshoe? Why, shucks, no wonder Billy Hills beat me so badly playing tennis!

MOLLY:

Well, McGee, I've just about exhausted my impatience with you!

FIBBER:

Why?

MOLLY:

Packin' all that useless junk back in that closet? How about these old books?

FIBBER:

What old books, why let me see... Oh them! Why them's my correspondence course in taxidermy.

MOLLY:

Taxidermy? Why on earth did you want to study taxidermy?

FIBBER:

Well, How did I know that it meant stuffin' birds and animals? And there I was, stuck with a Chauffers license, a city map, and a pair of puttees.

MOLLY:

Well, hurry up and put your playthings back in the closet!

FIBBER:

Okay...

MOLLY:

It looks terrible laying around here on the floor with that---

SFX:

PHONE RINGING INTERRUPTS

FIBBER:

Oh, I'll get it.

SFX:

TAKING PHONE OFF HOOK

FIBBER:

Hello, no this is the residence. You got the wrong number. Oh, is that you, Mert?

MOLLY:

Ah...Egad, every week the same thing!

FIBBER:

How's every little thing, Mert? What say? Your uncle Gulliver? Oh. that's too bad, Mert.

MOLLY:

Oh, My!

FIBBER:

And they ain't found the body yet, eh?

MOLLY:

-Oh, heavenly daze, McGee, what happened?

FIBBER:

Mert's uncle drove his car off a cliff and had to walk home. They found the chasis up in a tree but they don't know where the body is. What say, Mert? Oh, that's okay, Mert, Everybody has the wrong number now and then. Except Irving Berlin.

SFX:

PHONE HANGS UP

FIBBER:

Well, let's see now-

MOLLY:

McGee, why are you saving this long stick of bamboo?

FIBBER:

Why, Molly, that's got a very definite purpose! If I was offered a job as a sparring partner for Joe Louis, that's the ten foot pole I wouldn't touch it with!

MOLLY:

Oh...Say, uh, do you really think you can-get all this stuff back into the closet?

FIBBER:

Why, sure I can! I don't want anybody touching these things, either, but me. They're too valable.

MOLLY:

Ohhhh...

FIBBER:

I'd a had it-done an hour ago if I hadn't been interfered with.

MOLLY:

All right, you do it then I have some work to do in the kitchen.

SFX:

DOOR KNOCKING

FIBBER:

All right, I'll get it. Dadrabbit, I wish someone would crawl in through the window just for the novelty of it. Come in

SFX:

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

GILDER:

Well, hello there, McGee.

FIBBER:

Oh, it's you.

GILDER:

Just thought I'd come in to tell you that-My goodness what's all this?

FIBBER:

Oh, just something out of my closet. I'm straightening it up. Hey, Gildersleeve, put that hatchet down!

GILDER:

I'll do no such thing! That's my Boy Scout hatchet you borrowed last summer!

FIBBER:

Dadrabbit, it ain't nothing of the kind!' That's my Boy Scout hatchet!

GILDER:

OOOP!

FIBBER:

Look at the insignia on the handle there! Owl Patrol!

GILDER:

Well, I belonged to the Owl Patrol myself!

FIBBER:

Oh yeah? You in the Owl Patrol! (laughs) Why, you don't even know the password of the Owl Patrol!

GILDER:

Who!

FIBBER:

Well somebody musta told ya. Listen here, Gildersleeve, I bet you don't know a thing about scouting!

GILDER:

I do too. I was an Eagle Scout with twenty-six merit badges.

FIBBER:

Oh, go on. Can you tie a Sheep Shank? Can you imitate the mating cry of the Chimney Swallow?

GILDER:

Uh...

FIBBER:

Can you tell which way is north when you're lost in the woods?

GILDER:

Certainly.

FIBBER:

How?

GILDER:

I face south and then turn around quick-Heh-heh---

FIBBER:

Look, Gildersleeve, if you're really a scout, you can do your daily good turn by scrammin' outta here and letting me finish puttin' this stuff back in my closet.

GILDER:

Well, all right, McGee.

FIBBER:

Well...

GILDER:

You're sure that isn't my hatchet?

FIBBER:

On my word of honor as a member of the Owl Patrol, Gildersleeve.

GILDER:

-Well, all right, McGee...I'11 see you later.

FIBBER:

Ok.

GILDER:

Uh, say.

FIBBER:

Huh?

GILDER:

Give me the password again, will ya?

FIBBER:

Whooo.

GILDER:

WHOOOO!! Heh-eh-(etch)

SFX:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

FIBBER:

He's no boy scout. That guy couldn't build a fire in a hayloft by rubbin two sticks of dynamite together. Oh, well, I gotta get the rest of this...

SFX:

PUTTING STUFF BACK IN CLOSET

FIBBER:

That looks like about all of it. Yep, it's all packed back in there. Boy what a job! Hey Molly! Molly!

MOLLY:

(off mike) What is it, McGee?

FIBBER:

Look, I got all that stuff back in the closet, all straightened out!

MOLLY:

Splendid, McGee, Splendid!

FIBBER:

And after this, when you want something outta there let me get it for you.

MOLLY:

All right.

FIBBER:

Yep.

MOLLY:

But now that you've got the dictionary out of there why don't you leave it out? We may need it again. .

FIBBER:

Oh...

MOLLY:

What's the matter?

FIBBER:

I forgot to leave it out---I---I packed the dictionary back in there.

MOLLY:

Oh, heavenly daze---

FIBBER:

Now here, now you stay away from there! Now I know exactly where I put it! I can get it out without any problem... (adiibbing and walking away from mike as if going to closet)

SFX:

THE CLOSET OPENS

MOLLY:

Ohhh...

SFX:

THE STUFF FINISHES FALLING OUT

FIBBER:

(weakly) Molly! Molly!

MOLLY:

Yes?

FIBBER:

I found the dictionary... how do you spell annihilliated?

MOLLY:

Now look, McGee, that junk of yours is positively not goin' back into that closet.

FIBBER:

Oh.. yes it is.

MOLLY:

Oh no it isn't.

FIBBER:

Ohh--hey, wait a minute, wrong routine!

MOLLY:

Well, all right then. But if it does go back in there, I'll arrange it myself. Now you keep your hands off it this time.

FIBBER:

You gonna do it all by yourself?

MOLLY:

I am!

FIBBER:

Fine! As the fat lady says when she took off her corset- that let's me out!

MOLLY:

Taint funny, McGee. Good night, now!

FIBBER:

Good night!


THEME MUSIC UP

ANNCR:

This is _________speaking for the makers of Johnson's wax and Johnson's self-polishing Glo-Coat, inviting you to be with us again next Tuesday night. Good night!

ANNCR:

This is the National Broadcasting Company

NBC CHIMES