1ST ANNCR:

CAVALIER Cigarettes ...

2ND ANNCR:

CAVALIER Cigarettes ...

1ST ANNCR:

America's great, new King-size Cigarettes ...

2ND ANNCR:

Bring you - MY FRIEND IRMA ...

1ST ANNCR:

Created by Cy Howard, transcribed from Hollywood, and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane.

(APPLAUSE)

 

MUSIC:

JANE THEME

JANE:

You know, a new kind of language has hit the country and it's called, "Bop" .. "Smooth" means wonderful..."Crazy" means terrific..."Do you dig me?" means, "Do you understand me?"..."Real gone" means, "Floating with joy"..Which brings me to my room-mate Irma Peterson, a girl who is "Crazy" with a brain that's "Real gone"..in fact it's so much "Gone" it's lost.. Do you dig me? Well maybe this will give you an idea of what I mean..The other day I was reading the paper and I came across an interesting article about jet planes, so I said, Irma?

IRMA:

YES, JANE?

JANE:

Did you know they've developed planes that can reach the moon in less than ten days? And Irma said:

IRMA:

IT'S NO USE DAYDREAMING ABOUT IT, JANE. WE DON'T GET OUR VACATION UNTIL JUNE.

(COMMERCIAL)

 

1ST ANNOUNCER:

Try Cavaliers and see why so many thousands of people are switching to this great, new king-size cigarette!

2ND ANNOUNCER:

Seldom, if ever, has a new cigarette won so many friends so fast! Why? Because Cavaliers give you great mildness along with fresh, delightful flavor.

1ST ANNOUNCER:

Thousands of smokers compared king-size Cavaliers with the brands they had been smoking, and 8 out of 10 interviewed said Cavaliers are milder!

2ND ANNOUNCER:

So try Cavaliers... America's great, new king-size cigarette!

MUSIC:

_____________________

JANE:

Well, of all the...

IRMA:

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JANE?

JANE:

Oh, nothing, nothing.

IRMA:

BUT YOU LOOK SO UNHAPPY. DID YOU SEE SOMETHING IN THE NEWSPAPER THAT UPSET YOU?

JANE:

Oh, I wish all men were dead.

IRMA:

SO DO I...EXCEPT ON SATURDAY NIGHTS WHEN THEY'RE FUN.

JANE:

How could he do this to me?

IRMA:

DO WHAT, JANE?

JANE:

Look at this, right on the society page. (READS) Richard Rhinelander, the Third, escorts vivacious Daphne Danfield to the the Horse Show.

IRMA:

THAT MAY NOT MEAN ANYTHING. MAYBE SHE'S A JOCKEY?

JANE:

Jockey, nothing. Look at that picture.

IRMA:

OH, SHE HAS LOVELY BROWN HAIR.

JANE:

That's the horse...There's Daphne and look how she and Richard are beaming at each other.

IRMA:

[MAYBE THEY'RE HAPPY BECAUSE THEY WON THE LAST RACE.] JANE, DON'T LET IT UPSET YOU.

JANE:

Oh, I deserve it. I should have expected something like this. He's from Park Avenue and she's from Park Avenue and I'm from the wrong side of the tracks.

IRMA:

JANE, YOU MUSTN'T GET A COMPLEX ABOUT YOURSELF. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BEING FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS.

JANE:

I don't believe that and this proves it. Men will take up your time, they'll let you believe things, and then suddenly it's over.

IRMA:

THAT'S NOT TRUE. REMEMBER THAT MOVIE I SAW LAST YEAR WHERE THE GIRL IS DYING FROM LOVE?

JANE:

You mean, "Camille"?

IRMA:

YES. WELL, LAST WEEK I SAW THE SEQUEL, "CAMILLE STRIKES BACK", AND IT HAD A POOR GIRL IN LOVE WITH A RICH FELLOW.

JANE:

Yes?

IRMA:

WELL, SHE WAS A POOR FARM GIRL AND HE WAS A MILLIONAIRE AND HE WENT TO HER FARM TO TELL HER THEY WERE THROUGH.

JANE:

So?

IRMA:

SHE WAS SO ANGRY THAT SHE PICKED UP A ROCK IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE AND HIT HIM IN THE HEAD WITH IT.

JANE:

Go on.

IRMA:

THE ROCK TURNED OUT TO BE SOLID GOLD, AND HE REALIZED THEN AND THERE THAT MONEY SHOULDN'T COME BETWEEN PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.

JANE:

Stop giving me your horrible examples. I know the score and I might as well face it. I've been a fool building castles in the air.

IRMA:

WELL, JANE, I THINK YOU'RE PARTLY TO BLAME.

JANE:

What do you mean?

IRMA:

YOU CAN'T BE TOO HONEST WITH FELLOWS. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO DECEIVE THEM. YOU KNOW MY GIRL FRIEND, EFFIE KLOCKER?

JANE:

What about her?

IRMA:

WELL, ONE NIGHT SHE HAD A DATE WITH HER BOY FRIEND AND SHE WANTED TO IMPRESS HIM SO SHE SENT HERSELF A WIRE SAYING SHE HAD JUST INHERITED A MILLION DOLLARS.

JANE:

Did it work?

IRMA:

ALMOST. HE GOT A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS WHEN THE WIRE CAME COLLECT.

JANE:

Look, cookie, I'm not resorting to any tricks. The man who gets me will take me for what I am and nothing more.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

KROP:

Hello, Jane and Irma, my two little darlings. It's only me, Professor Kropotkin. Girls, have you seen Mrs. O'Reilly?

IRMA:

NO.

KROP:

She's wearing bangs.

JANE:

How does she look?

KROP:

Like the surrey with the fringe on top. Janey, you didn't laugh. What's the matter?

JANE:

Nothing.

IRMA:

THERE IS SO. RICHARD AND JANE HAVE COME TO THE PARTING OF THE WAYS AND JANE IS TERRIBLY UPSET.

JANE:

Upset? Why that's ridiculous. I've never been more calm and collected in my life. Why should I be upset just because Richard took another horse to the girl show...I mean, girl to the horse show.

IRMA:

YOU SEE, JANE, YOU ARE UPSET. PROFESSOR, MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION? YOU'RE A MAN OF THE WORLD...YOU HAVE LIVED...

KROP:

Not for some time, but go ahead.

IRMA:

IF A GIRL'S GOING OUT WITH A FELLOW, AND SHE KIND OF HINTS A FEW THINGS THAT AREN'T REALLY VERY TRUE....DO YOU THINK IT'S CRICKETS?

KROP:

Crickets?

IRMA:

YES.

KROP:

Well, I don't think it's crickets unless the girl is bugs. Irma, what are you trying to say?

IRMA:

I'LL PUT IT IN PLAIN WORDS. IF YOU WERE A GIRL AND THE FELLOW YOU WERE GOING WITH WAS SWEET ON YOU BUT HE WAS HIGH CLASS AND YOU WERE MIDDLE CLASS, WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT YOU WERE OUT OF HIS CLASS OR WOULD YOU PRETEND TO BE JUST AS HIGH CLASS AS THE CLASS THIS FELLOW WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE IN IF HE WAS HIGH AND YOU WERE A GIRL?

KROP:

Well Irma, this is difficult to answer.

IRMA:

WHY?

KROP:

Because I didn't understand a single word you said.

IRMA:

I'LL START ALL OVER...IF--

JANE:

Hold it! Now that you brought the issue out in the open, I'll ask the professor.

KROP:

What do you went to know, Janey?

JANE:

Well, I realize Richard and I are through, but in the event that I should meet another man, do you think it would be right for me to let him think I'm anything except what I am?

KROP:

Janey, this is a hard question to answer. You see, there are a lot of men who like to be fooled. This explains the fact that Mrs. O'Reilly once had a husband. And when you consider the nature of women, you'll see that they are born to deceive.

JANE:

Professor, that's not true.

KROP:

But it is true. They'll never tell you their age, and when you look at their figures you don't know what part is really She and what part came C.O.D.. And when you get angry at them, you're afraid to pull their hair because you never know what color will come off on your hands. [Believe me, they are born to deceive.

IRMA:

I THINK YOU'RE EXAGGERATING, PROFESSOR.

KROP:

I can only go by my own experience. Take my ex-wife, Sonia...before we were married, I thought she was beautiful and rich.

IRMA:

COULDN'T YOU SEE SHE WASN'T BEAUTIFUL?

KROP:

Her father was an optometrist and for six months before the wedding he kept putting drops in my eyes.

JANE:

How did she convince you she was rich?

KROP:

Every day she lead me aboard her yacht.

JANE:

She had a yacht?

KROP:

No, she would sit me on a rocking chair, blow a fog horn, hold an electric fan in front of me and spray seltzer in my face.]

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

MRS. O:

Hello girls...Mind if I come in?

JANE:

Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly...glad to have you aboard.

IRMA:

MRS. O'REILLY, HAVE YOU EVER LIED TO A MAN?

MRS. O:

Why, I, er...er...

KROP:

This is like asking the Harlem Globe Trotters if they ever played basketball.

MRS. O:

Well, I don't know what this is all about, but I've never tried to fool any man...I'm just a young widow in my forties with all the natural charms nature has given me.

KROP:

Well, you better tell nature to use more glue, one of your eyelashes just fell off. Here.

MRS. O:

Oh, thank you...Yes, I make no bones about it, a man has to take me for what I am.

KROP:

Pretty discouraging, isn't it?

MRS. O:

Nobody's asking you. Irma, why did you ask if it's right to lie to a man?

IRMA:

JANE AND RICHARD ARE THROUGH AND I THINK IF SHE MEETS ANOTHER FELLOW, SHE SHOULD TRY TO MAKE HIM THINK SHE IS PRETTY CLASSY.

MRS. O:

I agree. Anything you do to a man is too good because they're all ungrateful.

KROP:

Ungrateful?

MRS. O:

We women give them the best years of our lives, make lovely homes for them, and after they have been working fifty or sixty years and give us the feeling that their income is going to be steady, they kick the bucket...the cowards. Believe me, Janey, I have a policy. Any man I meet, I am going to keep in the dark.

KROP:

Well, that should make it less unpleasant for him.

MRS. O:

Why, look who's talking. Look at you and those scrawny legs. I could turn you upside down and use you for a sling shot.

JANE:

Now, hold it, the two of you. I asked for advice, not a free-for-all. You all have your theories, I have mine. I'm always going to be "plain little me" and you could put on my tombstone, "She died an honest old maid". So long.

IRMA:

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, JANE?

JANE:

It's a nice afternoon and I thought I'd go hire a bike and take a ride through Central Park. Want to come, Irma?

IRMA:

NO, I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE OFFICE AND DO SOME WORK.

JANE:

On Saturday?

IRMA:

YES, WE DIDN'T FINISH OUR WORK YESTERDAY BECAUSE MR. CLYDE CAUGHT A COLD FROM ME.

JANE:

But you haven't got a cold.

IRMA:

I KNOW, BUT I ACCIDENTLY DROPPED A WATER COOLER ON HIS HEAD.

JANE:

Bye everybody.

ALL:

Bye Janey.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS..DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

IRMA:

GEE, SHE'S SO HURT. BELIEVE ME, IF SHE EVER MEETS ANOTHER FELLOW, I'M GOING TO HANDLE THINGS. OH GOLLY, I BETTER GET TO WORK.

KROP:

Come on, Mrs. O'Reilly, I don't like to see you angry at me so I'll take you ice skating in Central Park.

MRS. O:

But I heard the ice was very thin.

KROP:

Well, if you fall through, I'll walk over to the Jersey City Police Station and tell them to send somebody as soon as they get a chance.

MRS. O:

Jersey City? But there's a station right across from the park.

KROP:

Please! You shop where you want to and I'll shop where I want to.

MUSIC:

STINGER

CLYDE:

[All right, Miss Peterson, you can remove that chain of paper clips from your wrists and ankles. I get the idea -- you're being treated like a slave.

IRMA:

WELL, AFTER ALL. IT IS SATURDAY....OTHER PEOPLE ARE OUT HAVING FUN...GOING ON BICYCLE RIDES, LAUGHING, PLAYING GAMES, AND I HAVE TO BE HERE. IT'S ILLEGAL.

CLYDE:

Illegal?

IRMA:

I'M ONLY SUPPOSED TO WORK A FIVE DAY WEEK.

CLYDE:

I see. Where were you all day Monday?

IRMA:

SHOPPING.

CLYDE:

Where were you all day Tuesday?

IRMA:

RETURNING THE STUFF I BOUGHT MONDAY.

CLYDE:

And what about Wednesday?

IRMA:

I WAS IN NEWARK. I TOOK THE WRONG SUBWAY TUESDAY.

CLYDE:

And yesterday?

IRMA:

ALL RIGHT, SO I TAKE A LITTLE TIME OFF DURING THE WEEK, BUT THIS IS SATURDAY AND I WANTED SO BADLY TO BE WITH JANE.

SOUND:

CHEWING

IRMA:

YOU SEE...

CLYDE:

What are you chewing?

IRMA:

I MISSED LUNCH SO I BOUGHT A BAG OF PEANUTS.

CLYDE:

You're eating nuts? This is cannibalism. What about your roommate, Jane?

IRMA:

SHE'S A LITTLE UPSET ABOUT RICHARD.] CAN I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION, MR. CLYDE?

CLYDE:

All right. What is it?

IRMA:

DID ANY WOMAN EVER DECEIVE YOU?

CLYDE:

Do you mean before or after the day you walked in here and said you were a normal person?

IRMA:

NO, I MEAN ROMANTICALLY. DID MRS. CLYDE EVER DECEIVE YOU WHEN YOU WERE COURTING HER?

CLYDE:

Yes, she told me she was jealous of you.

IRMA:

OF WHOM?

CLYDE:

You.

IRMA:

ME?

CLYDE:

Yes. She wants a head like yours so she can drive nails in the wall when she can't find a hammer.

IRMA:

PLEASE, MR. CLYDE, THIS IS SERIOUS. RIGHT NOW I SHOULD BE IN CENTRAL PARK WITH MY BEST FRIEND, JANE.

CLYDE:

What's she doing in Central Park?

IRMA:

RIDING A BICYCLE. YOU SEE, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN SITTING ON A BIKE WILL CLEAR YOUR MIND.

CLYDE:

How's that again?

IRMA:

WELL, IT'S VERY RELAXING....YOU KNOW, WHAT THEY CALL THERAPUTRID.

CLYDE:

Look, I'm not interested in your problems. I'm not interested in your roommate's problems. I'm only interested in getting some work done.

IRMA:

THAT IS A PRETTY SELFISH ATTITUDE. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU HAD A QUARREL WITH YOUR BOY FRIEND AND IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE GOING TO BE AN OLD MAID.

CLYDE:

I'd make crazy quilts and use you for a model. Why do you assume that everyone's problem is yours?

IRMA:

WELL, I FEEL THAT JANE HAS WASTED HER TIME AND BELIEVE ME, THE NEXT TIME SHE MEETS A FELLOW, I'M GOING TO HANDLE THINGS.

CLYDE:

Well, in that case, she won't be an old maid, she won't live long enough to be an old maid.

MUSC:

STINGER

KROP:

But Janie, I don't understand...you say you hardly touched this woman...was she hurt?

JANE:

No, of course not...when she walked into the path of my bike, I swerved just in time, but she lost her balance when she stepped back.

MRS. O:

Then how can she sue you?

JANE:

Well, it wasn't her idea. Some young smart alec lawyer was there at the time and he convinced her she should collect a lot of money.

KROP:

Oh, I see.

MRS. O:

I had the same experience five years ago. A truck backed into me.

KROP:

And they wanted you to pay for the fenders?

MRS. O:

Don't be funny. There was a lawyer who told me I could collect $10,000.00 for the injuries to my face.

JANE:

Were you hit in the face?

MRS. O:

No, the leg. But he said we would have a better chance of collecting on the face.

JANE:

Well, at least you were hit. This woman wasn't even touched.

KROP:

Do you think he is going to try to get you to settle out of court?

JANE:

That's what he's trying to do. He is coming over tonight to ask me some questions. All he really wants to do is snoop around and see how much I can afford. So Mrs. O'Reilly, if anybody asks about me, tell them I haven't got a nickel to my name.

MRS. O:

Don't worry, dear, I'll tell them you owe six months back rent.

JANE:

Good.

KROP:

I can lend you my room for the evening. One look at that broken down dungeon I live in, and he'll not only drop the case, but he'll probably make a donation.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

IRMA:

HELLO, JANIE...MRS. O'REILLY, PROFESSOR.

JANE:

Hi, sweetie.

KROP:

Well, I have to be going. The ice is melting on the radiators in my room and I want to take advantage of the water supply to do my laundry. Bye, girls.

MRS. O:

Wait, I'll go with you.

KROP:

All right. Mrs. O'Reilly, are you sure you were hurt in the leg?

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

IRMA:

WHAT WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JANE:

It's nothing important. Irma, I'm expecting a caller this evening, and I want you to give him the impression that I'm poor as a churchmouse.

IRMA:

A FELLOW?

JANE:

Yes. Now I have a date at the beauty parlor, so if he arrives before I get back, give him a real, sob story. Understand?

IRMA:

STILL FEEL THAT WAY, HUH?

JANE:

What are you talking about?

IRMA:

OH, FIDDLE-DEE-DEE.

JANE:

Never mind with the fiddle-dee-dee. When this man gets here, just tell him I'm broke. I'll see you later.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

IRMA:

THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY. OH, THAT JANE IS LUCKY TO HAVE ME FOR A ROOMMATE. WHEN I TELL HIM HOW LOADED JANE IS, HE'LL NEVER LET HER GET OUT OF HIS CLUTCHES.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE - END OF ACT

1ST ANNOUNCER:

If you'd like more mildness along with especially fine flavor in your cigarette, make the comparison so many thousands of smokers throughout America have made. Yes, compare king-size Cavalier cigarettes with your present brand. See if you don't agree that Cavaliers are milder! See if you don't find in Cavalier the mildness and fine flavor you've been looking for!

2ND ANNOUNCER:

Group after group of smokers throughout America compared Cavaliers with the brands they had been smoking. And at least 8 out of 10 smokers in every group interviewed said Cavaliers are milder!

1ST ANNOUNCER:

King-size Cavaliers were compared with all the other leading brands...perhaps the brand you now smoke!

2ND ANNOUNCER:

83% of the patrons of Riding Academies interviewed in Westchester County, New York ... and 88% of the deep sea fishermen interviewed in Florida ... said Cavaliers are milder.

1ST ANNOUNCER:

So, for great mildness...for the delightful flavor of fine, light, mild tobaccos, try king-size Cavaliers! They're priced no higher than other standard brands. Buy a carton!

MUSIC:

____________________

(ACT TWO)

 

JANE:

Well I'm at the beauty parlor and strangely enough Mrs. O'Reilly is in the next booth. I've never seen Mrs. O'Reilly worked on and it's quite an experience. She's having a henna rinse on her hair and the operator is holding up a tangerine to get a matching shade. [Now she's having her face worked on ... it's the first time I've ever seen a beautician wear dark glasses on the job.] As for me I'm having my hair done straight and severe ... you know ... the executive type .. so when that lawyer comes around to shake me down he'll know he's not dealing with some scattered brain school-girl. I just hope Irma lays it on that I'm broke. Maybe I should have given her more details ... Oh, no ... sometimes I underestimate her.

ORCH:

STINGER

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

IRMA:

COME IN.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

ELOISE:

(PANTING) Hello, Irma ... Oh, let me catch my breath. You know a girl with my weight shouldn't run much.

IRMA:

ELOISE, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO RUN. I PHONED YOU AN HOUR AGO.

ELOISE:

I know but I got stuck in the booth ... What's the emergency, Irma?

IRMA:

IT'S JANE ... SHE HAS A NEW FELLOW COMING OVER.

ELOISE:

What happened with Richard?

IRMA:

OH, HE WAS TOO HIGH CLASS FOR HER. SO I WANT TO SEE THAT JANE GETS OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT WITH THIS NEW FELLOW ... YOU KNOW, MAKE HIM THINK THAT JANE IS CLASSY.

ELOISE:

I understand. How do you think I got my boy-friend Barney? I've got him fooled.

IRMA:

YOU HAVE?

ELOISE:

Sure. [Every time he starts to stare at my figure I casually mention that my father left me a hundred thousand dollars in nickels and I wanted a place to hide them.

IRMA:

BUT DOES HE REALLY LOVE YOU, ELOISE?

ELOISE:

Well, of course he does.] He's always throwing me compliments like "I'm all wool and a yard wide" and "Good things come in small packages but he didn't expect such a big shipment." (GIGGLES) He's a real doll.

IRMA:

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S ON MY MIND, ELOISE. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT HALLOWEEN PARTY WHERE YOU WERE DRESSED AS A MAID AND YOUR BOY FRIEND WAS A BUTLER?

ELOISE:

Yeah.

IRMA:

WOULD THE TWO OF YOU ACT LIKE OUR SERVANTS WHEN THIS FELLOW GETS HERE?

ELOISE:

Me a maid?

IRMA:

OH, PLEASE, ELOISE ... DO IT, BECAUSE WHEN HE SEES YOU HE'LL KNOW WE EAT WELL.

ELOISE:

But I wouldn't know what to do.

IRMA:

WELL, I'LL COACH YOU ELOISE ... WAIT A MINUTE ... WE CAN'T CALL YOU ELOISE ... WE SHOULD HAVE A FRENCH MAID ... NOW WHAT IS A GOOD FRENCH NAME. LAFAYETTE, NO ... MOULIN ROUGE...NO...I'VE GOT IT ... MERCI BEAUCOUP...YOUR FIRST NAME IS MERCI.

Merci?

IRMA:

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW WHEN I ASK FOR MERCY YOU BRING OUT THE DINNER.

ELOISE:

Well, what comes first?

IRMA:

FIRST YOU SERVE THE HOUVRE-D-OURVES.

ELOISE:

You see, I don't even know what that is.

IRMA:

IT'S SIMPLE. HORSE D OUVRES IS FRENCH FOR SOUP ... SO WHEN I ASK "IS THE HORSE D-OUVRES READY?" YOU CURTSY AND ANSWER YES IN FRENCH.

ELOISE:

How do you say yes in French?

IRMA:

SI SI.

ELOISE:

Got it.

IRMA:

THEN YOU BRING IN THE MEAT COURSE ... THAT IS KNOWN AS THE ENTRY.

ELOISE:

Entry? What are you serving...horse meat?

IRMA:

ELOISE, IF YOU DON'T LISTEN YOU WON'T LEARN. NOW AFTER THE MAIN COURSE I WILL SAY "MERCI, BRING IN THE DESERT." BUT I'LL SAY IT IN FRENCH ... SCHMOARGASBORD.

ELOISE:

Si Si. Gosh, I hope I remember everything.

IRMA:

[OH, THERE'S NOTHING TO IT.

ELOISE:

Why can't you make it a Chinese dinner. Then you could write everything I'm supposed to say on a little slip of paper and slip it in the fortune cookies.]

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

IRMA:

OH, THAT MAY BE JANE ... NOT A WORD ABOUT YOU AND BARNEY.

ELOISE:

Okay honey.

IRMA:

COME IN.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

AL:

Hello Eloise .. H'ya chicken.

IRMA:

OH, HELLO, AL HONEY. DID YOU BRING ME A COPY OF SOCIETY LADY MAGAZINE?

AL:

Yeah, got it right here. But why do you want it?

IRMA:

I WANT TO LEARN SOME SOCIETY TALK, SO I CAN IMPRESS THIS GENTLEMAN WHO'S COMING TO CALL ON JANE THAT WE MINGLE IN THE BEST CIRCLES. RIGHT, ELOISE?

ELOISE:

Si Si.

IRMA:

SEE HOW NICE SHE CURTSIES?

AL:

Yeah, but she can't get up again.

IRMA:

READ ME SOMETHING FANCY FROM THE SOCIETY MAGAZINE, AL ... [AND READ IT SLOWLY SO I CAN MEMORIZE IT.

AL:

Okay chicken ... Here's the column ... Society Gossip ... (READS) Delia Vanderhoof, attractive young debutante had her coming out in the Cotillion Room. As she appeared with her father under the prismatic splendor of the hanging chandelier she looked lovely.

IRMA:

WELL, I THINK I'VE GOT THAT MEMORIZED. I'LL BE ABLE TO DROP IT CASUALLY DURING THE CONVERSATION.

AL:

Gee chicken, you memorize fast. How does it go?

IRMA:

DELIA VANDERHOOF, ATTRACTIVE YOUNG COTTON PICKER ... WAS COMING OUT OF PRISON WITH A LOVELY AUTOMATIC. HER FATHER LOOKED SPLENDID HANGING FROM THE CHANDELIER.

AL:

No chicken, it ain't quite the same.] Why don't you stick to them fancy expressions the rich use, like your furniture goes back to King Louis the Fourteenth ... Your China is the best Rosenthal ... You have just returned from Bar Harbor where you rode with the hounds ...

IRMA:

I SEE ...

AL:

And you could also add that Jane is related to royalty and that her hobby is riding high-strung horses like, er, er, Man O' War, and Citation...

IRMA:

NOW LET ME SEE ... KING LOUIS THE FOURTEENTH FURNITURE ... ROSENTHAL CHINA ... BAR HARBOR ... RELATED TO ROYALTY ... MAN O' WAR AND OTHER HIGH STRUNG HORSES ... I GOT IT!

ELOISE:

What time do you want me to be here with Barney?

IRMA:

IN ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR.

ELOISE:

Oh Irma, there's one thing I better warn you about.

IRMA:

WHAT'S THAT?

ELOISE:

Don't ring that Butler's bell any more than you have to. You see Barney used to be a boxer and he may forget himself and come out fighting.

ORCH:

STINGER

JANE:

Pierre would you take a look at my hair and see if it's dry yet?

HANS:

Oui mademoiselle, I look. Ooo-la-la madam Stacy ... You are the most beautiful ... the most chi-chi, the most adorable girl who comes in here.

JANE:

Save your breath. The tip is still a quarter, and I don't know if I can afford that.

HANS:

Why not, ma petite?

JANE:

Some lawyer is coming over to the apartment to shake me down.

HANS:

Shake you down!!! Hmmmmmm!

JANE:

It's an American expression. Don't get excited. Irma and I have to convince this man that I'm broke.

HANS:

Ah that Irma ... she is fabulous. She came here last week with a note from her boss and I looked all thru her head ... There were no termites!

JANE:

I'll let you know later tonight.

ORCH:

STINGER

IRMA:

ALL, RIGHT EIOISE, GET IN THE KITCHEN WITH BARNEY.

ELOISE:

But Jane isn't back from the beauty parlor.

IRMA:

I KNOW BUT --

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

IRMA:

THAT MAY BE HIM ... HAVE THE BUTLER ANSWER THE DOOR.

ELOISE:

Barney ain't ready. He's changing his sneakers.

IRMA:

WELL, GET IN THE KITCHEN. I'LL ANSWER IT.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS ... DOOR OPENS

IRMA:

HOWJA DO?

MAN:

Does Miss Jane Stacy live here?

IRMA:

YES. SHE'S DELAYED BUT WE'RE EXPECTING YOU ... PLEASE COME IN.

MAN:

Be glad to.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MAN:

Well, pretty nice little place you got here.

IRMA:

OH, YES. ALL OUR FURNITURE IS KING LOUIS THE FOURTEENTH. WE GOT IT FROM A CHINAMAN NAMED ROSENTHAL.

MAN:

How's that again?

IRMA:

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN? LADY JANE IS OUT RIDING ON SOME HOUNDS.

MAN:

On them?

IRMA:

OH EVERY AFTERNOON. MY, MY ... IT'S H'OR DEURVRE TIME...I'LL CALL THE MAID.

MAN:

You have a maid?

IRMA:

YES. FRENCH. I'LL CALL HER...(CALLS) MERCI. MERCI! I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH HER..SHE SPENDS ALL HER TIME AT A BAR IN THE HARBOR. (CALLS) MERCI ... MERCI!

ELOISE:

(COMING ON) Si, Si, cucaracha.

IRMA:

MERCI, BRING IN THE --

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

IRMA:

OH, HERE'S JANE NOW.

JANE:

Mr. Clark! What's going on here, Irma?

IRMA:

SIT DOWN MY DEAR. I'LL HAVE MY MAID POUR THE H'OR DEUVRES.

JANE:

The maid?

IRMA:

NOW NOW JANE. DON'T BE MODEST ABOUT YOUR INHERITANCE.

MAN:

Inheritance?

JANE:

Irma! Look Mr. Clark -

IRMA:

PLEASE MR. CLARK DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO JANE. BEING A MEMBER OF ROYALTY SHE'S VERY HIGH STRUNG...RELATED TO CITATION, YOU KNOW.

JANE:

Listen, Irma Peterson-

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

AL:

Miss Jane Stacy?

JANE:

What do you want?

AL:

Just got a wire from Johannesburg. They can't work your diamond mine. It's flooded with oil. Thank you.

SOUND:

DOOR SLAM

MAN:

Diamond mine!?!

JANE:

Hold it! Irma, I don't know what you're up to, but if you don't tell this man that we're broke, and that we have no maid, I'm going to-

IRMA:

PLEASE JANE, IF YOU INSIST ON RAISING YOUR VOICE I'LL HAVE TO ASK THE BUTLER TO EJECT YOU.

JANE:

The butler??

IRMA:

(CALLS) HEATHCLIFF! HEATHCLIFF!

BARNEY:

Out oui, lady.

JANE:

Oh no! And with sneakers yet!

BARNEY:

The maid begs me to inform you that the H'or deuvres is getting cold and she may have to add more hot water. And I wish to thank you for my raise.

JANE:

Raise?

MAN:

Miss Stacy, it seems to me that your help is a little eccentric, but the fact remains that you're not two poor working girls living alone.

IRMA:

OH FAR FROM IT.

MAN:

I came here willing to accept a fifty dollar settlement..

IRMA:

HUH?

MAN:

But since you lied to me and obviously are doing quite well it will be five hundred dollars or a suit. Good-bye.

SOUND:

DOOR SLAM

IRMA:

(WEAKLY) MERCI.

ELOISE:

(COMING ON) Yes, madam. What would you like me to do?

IRMA:

STAND BETWEEN JANE AND ME. I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK IN HER EYES!

ORCH:

BRIDGE - (END OF SHOW)

ANNCR:

Irma and Jane will be back in a moment.

1ST ANNOUNCER:

Are Cavaliers milder? How do you know?

2ND ANNOUNCER:

8 out of 10 who tried them say so!

1ST ANNOUNCER:

Friends, that's the amazing mildness score made by king-size Cavalier cigarettes in coast-to-coast tests! Yes, thousands of smokers in scores of different groups compared king-size Cavaliers with the brands they had been smoking and at least 8 out of 10 smokers interviewed, in every group, said Cavaliers are milder!

2ND ANNOUNCER:

If you want more mildness in your smoke, take your cue from the thousands who have found Cavaliers milder. Try Cavaliers! And when you do, notice their wonderful flavor...the fresh, delightful taste of the fine, light, mild tobaccos that go into a Cavalier. Notice how their extra length filters the smoke for mildness.

1ST ANNOUNCER:

Do it now! Try king-size Cavalier cigarettes! They're priced no higher than other standard brands. Buy a carton!

2ND ANNOUNCER:

And remember ...king-size Cavaliers are made by the makers of Camels, America's most popular cigarette! All the know-how gained in producing Came1 stands behind Cavalier.

MUSIC:

_____________________

VIGNETTE

JANE:

Well, I finally got the attorney to drop the case. How? I invited him over to the house, Irma cooked dinner for him and he was glad to get out with his life. However now that it's all over I'm laughing hysterically about the whole thing. Irma?

IRMA:

YES JANE.

JANE:

Where in the world did you find that apron Eloise was wearing?

IRMA:

WELL WE COULDN'T GET AN APRON BIG ENOUGH TO FIT HER SO WE TOOK A BED SPREAD AND PUT RUFFLES AROUND IT.

JANE:

Well I would really like to sound off, but since I'm a society lady from Bar Harbor, who rides on the hounds, all I dare say, is "Pip Pip" to my friend Irma.

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNCR:

"My Friend Irma" is a Cy Howard Production and is directed by Parke Levy who writes the script with Stanley Adams. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. Hans Conried was heard as Professor Kropotkin, Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly, Sid Tomack was Al and Alan Reed as Mr. Clyde. Also included were: ______________________; Music was under the direction of Lud Gluskin. Until next Tuesday, your friend Irma says:

IRMA:

HOPE YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A CAVALIER NEARBY. KING SIZE.

ANNCR:

Bob LeMond speaking, transcribed from Hollywood, and saying goodnight for Cavalier Cigarettes.