Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Our Miss Brooks
Show: The Audio-Visual Experiment
Date: Nov 14 1954

Transcribed from an Armed Forces recording

FX:

MUSIC UNDER ANNOUNCER

ANCR:

Now it's "Our Miss Brooks" starring Eve Arden.

FX:

MUSIC BRIDGE

ANCR:

Well over the years, our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, has had more than her share of difficulties with her principal, Mr. Conklin. Recently, however, their relations have improved.

EVE:

Yes, my Uncle and Aunt feel a lot better. Actually, things have been a bit smoother between Mr. Conklin and me. In fact, when I suggested the plan I had heard about to supplement our teaching with movies, Mr. Conklin gave me the money to try it out. So until last week when the great experiment was to take place in one of my classes, everything was going splendidly, and in more ways than one, because Thursday morning, Mr. Boynton was over at my house for breakfast. My landlady was attending an early club meeting, so there were just the two of us. I could sense that Mr. Boynton felt the warm, romantic implications of this domestic scene, because his voice seemed choked with emotion when he said....

BOYNTON:

I wonder how long Joe Palooka will be champ.

EVE:

I haven't the slightest idea. Why don't you ask Little Abner.

BOYNTON:

Little Abner?

EVE:

He's been staring at me from the other side of that newspaper for the past 10 minutes.

BOYNTON:

Oh, oh, pardon me Miss Brooks. Reading the paper was rather rude, I guess. Its just that I feel so at home here, I didn't think you'd mind.

EVE:

Oh, I really don't Mr. Boynton, that's just the way I want you to feel.

BOYNTON:

Good. Oh I haven't had this sort of breakfast since I was home with mother.

EVE:

Well, have you ever thought that you might enjoy a breakfast like this every day, Mr. Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Of course I have, Miss Brooks, many times. But Dad needs her too much for Mom to come down here.

EVE:

That isn't quite what I had in mind.

BOYNTON:

How's your latest project at school working out, Miss Brooks?

EVE:

I don't know yet, Mr. Boynton. The first film, "The Lady of the Lake", was shown to my English class yesterday.

BOYNTON:

And you don't know how it worked out?

EVE:

No, I had to do something for Mr. Conklin during that hour, so I let the kids run the picture themselves. We'll know how it was received when Walter Denton picks us up in a few minutes.

BOYNTON:

Well films can be a big help to all teachers. Why other schools have been showing movies in their classrooms for years. I wonder why Mr. Conklin would never allow it at Madison before?

EVE:

He hates popcorn. Mrs. Davis is very fond of the idea though. In fact, she's showing a film at her club's breakfast this morning. She rented it from the same place I did.

BOYNTON:

Hum, what picture did she rent?

EVE:

A little number called "Shearing Sheep at Big Billabong Australia."

BOYNTON:

Oh, what's it about?

EVE:

Its about shearing sheep at Big Billabong, Australia. Its perfect for the ladies in Mrs. Davis's club.

BOYNTON:

Shearing sheep in Australia. Why should that be perfect for the ladies in Mrs. Davis's Club?

EVE: There's some pretty wooly ladies in Mrs. Davis's Club.

FX:

DOOR BUZZER

EVE:

Oh, that must be Walter. Come on in, the door's open.

BOYNTON:

I'm anxious to hear how your audio-visual experiment was received by the English class.

EVE:

If past performances mean anything, I know exactly what happened five minutes after I left the room.

BOYNTON:

What?

EVE:

They left the room.

WALTER:

Well, what a pleasant surprise. Greetings to my two favorite faculty members, the fairest of the fair, and the brawniest of the brawny.

EVE:

Oh it's just the padding in these shoulders that makes me look.....Oh, you mean him.

BOYNTON:

Hi Walter.

WALTER:

Hey, where's the effervescent Mrs. Davis this morning?

EVE:

She's fizzing at a ladies club breakfast.

WALTER:

Oh, that must be the same one Mom and Mrs. Conklin are attending.

BOYNTON:

Walter, we are both anxious to hear how that audio-visual experiment worked out yesterday.

EVE:

Yes, how was the "Lady of the Lake" received, Walter.

WALTER:

Oh, great, Miss Brooks. Unfortunately, the sound part of the projector didn't work, but the class made up for that. Oh you never heard such whistling in your life.

EVE:

Whistling? At the "Lady of the Lake"? What did she do, come out?

WALTER:

Not exactly, Miss Brooks. You see the title on the can the picture came in said "The Lady of the Lake" alright, but the picture turned out to be something called "Sirens of the Screen past and present".

BOYNTON:

What?

WALTER:

Yeah. It was run at two o'clock in the afternoon and every fella in the class was late for dinner last night.

EVE:

But it's only a fifteen minute short.

WALTER:

I know, but we ran it 23 times.

BOYNTON:

You don't mean that.

WALTER:

Yeah, and we stopped the projector for 10 minutes every time we got to Marilyn Monroe. Oooh, kill afternoon. What do you got planned for next week, Miss Brooks?

EVE:

A little epic called the teacher dies at dawn. Has Mr. Conklin heard about this yet, Walter?

WALTER:

Oh I don't know, Miss Brooks.

BOYNTON:

I hope he hasn't. I know what this project means to you, Miss Brooks.

EVE:

Well cheer up, Mr. Boynton. Even if he has heard about it, we can still get a picture of the "Lady of the Lake".

BOYNTON:

What do you mean?

EVE:

I may drown myself.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

CONKLIN:

Now if you'll be seated, Miss Brooks, I'll come directly to the point.

EVE:

Yes sir.

CONKLIN:

As an experiment in audio-visual education, I gave you not only permission, but also $15 to rent a projector and film of the poem, "The Lady of the Lake".

EVE: Something go wrong Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, when I did so I had no idea that the Lady of the Lake would turn out to be Marilyn Monroe.

EVE:

Me either. Esther Williams would have been much more appropriate. I mean, I can explain this Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Explain? Explain this then. When you wanted this film you told me it was Sir Walter Scott's poem presented against a background of Scottish scenes.

EVE:

Oh but Sir.

CONKLIN:

The only Scotch in that entire picture was in a glass in Theda Bara's hand.

EVE:

Oh, then you've run the picture Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

Five times, Miss Brooks. I er, uh, that is, I ran it through a few times to convince myself that what I was seeing was true. Sirens of the Screen indeed. I've already heard from Mr. Stone this morning and he was furious. It seems that five parents have already complained to him about it. He blames the whole thing on me.

EVE:

But why you, sir? It was my idea.

CONKLIN:

I know, but I took credit for it.

EVE:

Mr. Conklin. This is a mistake on the part of the company, Institutional Pictures. It probably won't happen again in another 10 years. We're all entitled to one mistake, aren't we?

CONKLIN:

Sometimes when I think of you, Miss Brooks, that is the only thing that keeps me going. But I told Mr. Stone it was all a mistake and I also told him we had another film in case he wanted to reassure himself on the subject matter of the picture's we are showing.

EVE:

But sir, we haven't another picture. And including the projector, they cost $15 to rent.

CONKLIN:

That is your problem, Miss Brooks. You got us into this thing, and you are going to get us out of it. In any event, Mr. Stone said he wouldn't bother to come over unless there are further complaints. However, if there are, he said head would roll.

FX:

TELEPHONE RING. PICK UP.

CONKLIN:

Osgood Conklin, Principal, speaking. Who? Yes, she's right here now. It's for you, Miss Brooks.

EVE:

For me, sir?

CONKLIN: Here.

EVE:

Hello?

DAVIS: (ON PHONE) Hello Connie, this is Mrs. Davis.

EVE:

Oh, hello Mrs. Davis.

DAVIS: I just called to tell you how the picture I showed at the Ladies Club Breakfast turned out. I gave full credit for the idea to you, of course. And I told the ladies that this was the identical sort of picture being shown at Madison High.

EVE:

I see. Well how did Shearing Sheep at Big Billabong turn out?

DAVIS:

Oh those scenes in the night club were terrific, dear.

EVE:

Night Club?

DAVIS:

Yes. And the ones in the show girls dressing room are even more sensational.

EVE:

What? Well where were the sheep?

DAVIS:

You know, that's what we were wondering too. I ran the picture through three times trying to find them. But it was all about a chorus girl. However, none of the ladies seemed to mind. That is, none except Mrs. Stone.

EVE:

Mrs. Stone was there? What did she say, Mrs. Davis.

DAVIS:

Oh, she didn't say a thing dear. She just fainted. Oh, I hope I haven't disturbed you, dear.

EVE:

Oh, uh, uh, no, not all Mrs. Davis. My tongue always sticks to the roof of my mouth in the morning. I'll speak to you later. Good by.

DAVIS:

Good Bye, dear.

FX:

HAND UP PHONE

CONKLIN:

And what was that all about, Miss Brooks?

EVE:

Mr. Conklin, did Mr. Stone really say heads would roll if there was another complaint?

CONKLIN:

That's exactly what he said, Miss Brooks. What about it?

EVE:

Nothing sir. Only I wonder how we'll both look when we're 10 inches shorter.

FX:

MUSIC BRIDGE

EVE:

I told Mr. Boynton about my predicament in the school cafeteria at lunch time.

BOYNTON:

Now lets see if I've got it straight, Miss Brooks. You must have another film here to show Mr. Stone when he arrives this afternoon, or the entire project goes right out the window.

EVE:

Followed swiftly by me. And the cost of renting a new film and projector is $15 which I've got to get somewhere.

BOYNTON:

Isn't Mr. Conklin giving you anything?

EVE:

Yes, two hours in which to dig it up.

BOYNTON:

Well, you can count on me for part of the $15.

EVE:

Oh, really, Mr. Boynton? What part?

BOYNTON:

Two dollars and 35 cents. Oh, uh, here's the 35 cents, now.

EVE:

Well thanks, Mr. Boynton, but where's the two dollars?

BOYNTON:

Uh, just a second until I take off my shoe.

EVE:

You mean you've got two dollars in your shoe?

BOYNTON:

Well no, I've only got one dollar in my shoe.

EVE:

Where's the other dollar?

BOYNTON:

In my hat band.

EVE:

You'd make a nervous wreck out of a hold up man. I, I do appreciate this.

HARRIET:

Hi, Miss Brooks. Hi Mr. Boynton.

EVE:

Oh, hello, Harriet.

HARRIET:

I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I... Mr. Boynton, what are you doing with your shoe off?

EVE:

He's just airing out his money. What is it, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Well, first, daddy asked me to tell you to be sure to be in his office with the new film by 3:30 because that's when Mr. Stone is due to arrive. And, secondly, knowing the position you're in, I went around to all the girls and took up a collection for you.

EVE:

I'm beginning to feel like a charity case.

BOYNTON:

Remember the old proverb, Miss Brooks. Pride goeth before a fall.

EVE:

That I knoweth. And this point I'm not going to turn down anything.

HARRIET:

I knew you needed $15, so I canvassed about 30 girls, Miss Brooks. I told them to cough as much as they could.

EVE:

How much did you collect?

HARRIET:

Eighty cents.

EVE:

That's not much of a cough.

HARRIET:

I've also got a dollar of my own I want to lend you.

EVE:

Oh, no, really, Harriet. I wouldn't dream of taking your money.

HARRIET:

Oh, but Miss Brooks.

EVE:

Well alright dear, if you insist. Where is the dollar?

HARRIET:

I'll give it to you as soon as I go down to my locker after lunch.

EVE:

The dollar's in your locker?

HARRIET:

Not exactly, Miss Brooks. But that's the only place I can remove the stocking I'm wearing over it.

EVE:

If the wallet industry depended on this school, it'd go broke. Thanks alot, Harriet.

WALTER:

Here's some money, Miss Brooks. I did the very best I could.

EVE:

I knew all the precincts hadn't been heard from.

BOYNTON:

Did you take up a collection too, Walter.

WALTER:

Oh, yes sir. I went around to all the fellas in your English Lit class, Miss Brooks and I told them you needed 15 iron men for a new film. And since they'd all seen sirens of the screen, this was one little way of expressing their gratitude.

EVE:

Oh, and how much did you collect?

WALTER:

Sixty five cents.

EVE:

I'd could have done a bigger business with Lady of the Lake.

WALTER:

Oh, but that's not all. I want to lend you a dollar of my own, which I've kept for just such an emergency.

EVE:

Thanks Walter. Where is it?

WALTER:

Well you know that good luck charm I wear around my neck with my mother's picture in it?

EVE: Yes?

WALTER:

Well, that's not my mother, it's George Washington.

EVE:

I always said there was more to you people than meets the eye. Now let's see, Mr. Boynton has two dollars and 35 cents for me, Harriet one eighty, and Walter a dollar sixty five. That comes to approximately six dollars. Then I've got another couple of dollars of my own.

BOYNTON:

Well I didn't think you had any money, Miss Brooks. Where did you get two dollars?

EVE:

Remember when I went to the dentist last week?

BOYNTON:

Yes.

EVE:

Well I stashed two dollars away in a temporary filling.

FX:

MUSIC BRIDGE

GIBSON:

Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Miss Brooks, but institutional pictures can't accept eight dollars on a projector and film which rents for fifteen.

EVE:

But Mr. Gibson it was your mistake in the first place. You sent us sirens of the screen past and present when I'd ordered the Lady of the Lake from your salesman. I think his name was Blake.

GIBSON: Oh, yes. We've had nothing but trouble with that man. Our manager wouldn't raise his salary, so out of sheer spite, he switched any number of films on us before he quit. I'd like to help you but we have a strict 24-hour ruling and you've had your film for several days. You'll just have to tell your organization.... What is it, by the way, a ladies club? Social Service Group? Union?

EVE:

I teach at Madison High School.

GIBSON:

You teach.....What? Why our biggest rental is to schools. You showed Sirens of the Screen to a high school class?

EVE:

With a 10 minute stop over at Marilyn Monroe.

GIBSON:

You look like a very fair minded person. I'll tell you what I'll do. You keep the $8 and I'll let you have the new film and projector for nothing.

EVE:

Well....

GIBSON:

I'll make it four films for nothing.

EVE:

Well...

GIBSON:

Forget about the rentals entirely. I'll give you a years supply of films free if you'll get your school to forget this incident.

EVE:

Well...

GIBSON:

And I'll throw in $10 for yourself.

EVE:

Well....

GIBSON:

Miss Brooks, aren't you going to answer me?

EVE:

I'm doing good enough with well. Now look Mr. Gibson, just give me a good film to show the head of our school board when he comes to Madison this afternoon and we'll call it square.

GIBSON:

Oh, you're the salt of the earth. I have just the thing for the occasion. The Board of Education at Work. Don't you think it's perfect?

EVE:

I supposes so, if you like fantasy.

FX:

MUSIC BRIDGE

EVE:

Well, when Mr. Gibson agreed to rectify his mistake, and give me a new film to show Mr. Stone it seemed that my troubles were just about over. At three that afternoon we were getting everything ready in Mr. Conklin's office.

BOYNTON:

Well, the projector's all set up Miss Brooks. All we have to do when Mr. Conklin and Mr. Stone get here is turn the switch and run the film.

WALTER:

Yeah, and this office ought to be a perfect projection room. You see the way I've fixed the shades no light can get in through the windows at all.

EVE:

Oh, you've done a beautiful job, Walter.

BOYNTON:

There's only one thing that bothers me. The sound on this projector doesn't work.

EVE:

With Mr. Conklin in the room, nobody'll notice the difference.

HARRIET:

We've still got a few minutes before Daddy gets here. Why don't we run the film through once for the four of us.

EVE:

Good idea, Harriet. Lets sit down.

BOYNTON:

But there are only two chairs in this room. Where are the four of us going to sit.

WALTER: We can worry about that when the lights are out.

BOYNTON:

What are you talking about?

EVE:

What Walter means is that he and Harriet can share the big comfortable chair that Mr. Conklin keeps for visitors.

CONKLIN:

But what about the two of us?

EVE:

We can divide this narrow one. And don't look so panicky. We can either show the film or just turn out the lights and wait until Mr. Conklin and Mr. Stone get here.

BOYNTON:

Just turn out the lights? What good'll that do?

HARRIETT:

(Giggle)

EVE:

Does that answer your question?

BOYNTON:

Maybe we'd better run the film.

EVE:

I was afraid you'd see it that way. Alright Walter, turn off the desk light and lets get started.

WALTER:

Yes, Ma'am.

FX:

SWITCH

WATLER:

There we are.

BOYNTON:

Gosh, I can't see a thing. Where are you, Miss Brooks. Are you seated yet?

EVE:

After you, Mr. Boynton. That is, I'll sit on the edge of the chair nearest the projector switch. Now are we all set, Walter? Walter?

FX:

NOISE

EVE:

They're all set. Well here goes.

FX:

PROJECTOR RUNNING

EVE:

Oh what a magnificent view of the Rock of Gibralter. I feel as if I could reach out and touch it.

BOYNTON:

You're staring at my chin Miss Brooks. You're leaning rather close to me.

EVE:

How nice of you to notice. Well we've missed the title, but we know its about the board of education at work.

BOYNTON:

Well look at that sign by the sign of the road.

EVE: It says "You are now entering Las Vegas, Nevada"?

BOYNTON:

Oh its probably all about the Las Vegas Board of Education.

EVE:

I hope you're right.

BOYNTON:

Of course I am, there they are now, all working around a table.

EVE:

They certainly are, a dice table. Mr. Boynton, this is a picture about gambling. There's been another terrible mistake.

BOYNTON:

Turn off the projector at once, Miss Brooks.

EVE:

Well I'm trying to. The switch is stuck. Pull the plug out of the wall.

BOYNTON:

I don't know where the wall plug is with the lights off.

EVE:

Walter, turn on the desk lamp so Mr. Boynton can find the plug. Walter. Walter do you hear me?

FX:

ELECTRIC BUZZ

EVE:

You're a big help. You'll have to find it in the dark, Mr. Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Well, I'll try.

FX:

TRIPPING AND FALL SOUNDS

EVE:

Oh good, you found it.

CONKLIN:

What on earth is going on in here?

EVE:

Mr. Conklin. Oh, just a moment, sir. I'll turn on the lights.

CONKLIN:

No, no, never mind the lights Miss Brooks. Since you've apparently started your new film, "The Board of Education at Work" I'd like to have a look at it before Mr. Stone gets here.

EVE:

Er, er, here, sit in my chair, Sir.

CONKLIN:

Where will you sit?

EVE:

I'll stand in front of the screen. It isn't a very good picture, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Stop, stop babbling, please. I'll just settle myself in this comfortable chair on the other side of the projector. Here we are....EH GADS... something speared me.

HARRIET:

You just sat on my knees Daddy, and you're a little heavy.

CONKLIN:

Harriet, what are you talking about.

WALTER:

I doubt if I can hold the both of you.

CONKLIN:

Denton? Where are you?

EVE:

He's between the devil and the deep blue sea.

CONKLIN:

Well turn on those wall lights, Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Yes sir.

FX:

SWITCH

CONKLIN:

Ah ha! Harriet, I want you and Denton to leave this room at once, through my inner office, please. And I'll speak to you both later.

HARRIET:

Very well, Daddy.

WALTER:

Mr. Conklin, appearances are very often deceiving and I want you to know that Harriet was in no way responsible for what happened. I'll take the full blame sir, it was all my fault, and I insist that you let me accept the entire responsibility for this whole....

CONKLIN:

(shouts) OUT SIDE.......

WALTER:

Yes sir, Good Bye.

FX:

DOOR SLAM

CONKLIN:

Well, Mr. Stone ought to be here any minute now and we can get rolling again.

EVE:

At least our heads can. Mr. Conklin...I....

FX:

KNOCKING

CONKLIN:

Oh..er...Come in.

FX:

DOOR OPENING

CONKLIN:

Well good afternoon Mr. Stone.

STONE:

Good afternoon, Osgood. Mr. Boynton, Miss Brooks.

EVE:

Hello, Mr. Stone. Want to go for a nice walk?

STONE:

A walk. I came over here to see a movie.

EVE:

That's what I mean. Let's walk over and see a movie. The Bijou has a fine Marlon Brando picture.

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, what are you jabbering about. Now, turn off the lights Boynton and I'll put the plug back in the wall, here.

BOYNTON:

If you say so, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Yes.

FX:

PROJECTOR

CONKLIN:

Ah, there you are Mr. Stone. What a scene. The members of the board of education gathered round a table rolling dice. Now its certainly a far cry from the reports you heard about the picture yesterday with the shocking exhibition of movie queens, and....and.....................Miss Brooks..... Why are the members of the board rolling dice?

EVE:

Blackjack Dealers are on strike.

STONE:

Pull that plug. I'm turning these lights on. So all my suspicions were true, Osgood. Your moral laxity is undermining this entire institution.

GIBSON:

Oh, pardon this interruption Miss Brooks, but there's been another mistake.

EVE:

Now he tells me.

CONKLIN:

Who is this man.

EVE:

Its Mr. Gibson, the man who rented us the film.

GIBSON:

I'll do anything to rectify my mistake, Miss Brooks. While I'll even.....Oh, hello, Mr. Stone...I

EVE:

Oh, you know Mr. Stone?

STONE:

Ah, ah, he's evidently mistaking me for somebody else.

GIBSON:

Oh no, Sir. Oh, don't you remember when that friend of yours got married last month you rented two films from me for a smoker you gave him.

EVE:

Match anyone?

CONKLIN:

What?

GIBSON:

Er, I remember it distinctly because one of the pictures caused all the hubbub today. Sirens of the Screen, Past and Present.

STONE:

Oh is that so. Well for your information when I flashed it on the screen that night it turned out to be the Lady of the Lake.

CONKLIN:

So Mr. Stone you are going to call my moral laxity to the attention of the Board of Education.

STONE:

Oh, (chuckles) you don't really think I meant that, do you Osgood? Why not on your tintype, my boy. If anything its Mr. Gibson who should be brought before the board.

EVE:

Oh, that would be a waste of time, Mr. Stone.

STONE:

A waste of time?

EVE:

The way Mr. Gibson operates by the time he got there, he'd turn out to be Ja Ja Gabor.

FX:

MUSIC UP

ANCR:

And now here's our star, Eve Arden.

EVE:

That film mix up really has gotten me into hot water.

FX:

MUSIC UP

ANCR:

Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, transcribed, was produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Arthur Olsberg and Al Lewis with the music of Lud Bleston. Mr. Conklin was played by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, Joseph Kerns and Joel Samuels.

FX:

MUSIC UP

ANCR:

Next week at this same time and over this same station, Eve Arden in the role of Madison High Schools favorite English teacher, Miss Brooks, will again call the student body together. Don't you be absent. Our Miss Brooks is presented each week through the world wide facilities of the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.

ANCR:

This is the American Forces Network - Europe.