Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Easy Aces
Show: Baby Food
Date: May 08 1948

CAST:
ANNOUNCER, Ken Roberts
MR. ACE, an advertising man; the dry, sober, intellectual type
JANE, his wife; not the intellectual type
GIRL (1 line)
MAMA (1 line)
FATHER (1 line)
MISS ANDERSON, secretary
NORRIS, humorless boss
BABY, one year old
AGNES, desperate and very serious
FISCHER, affable baby food tycoon

MUSIC:

FANFARE ... THEME ("MANHATTAN SERENADE"), IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

From New York City, the Columbia Broadcasting System, in cooperation with the United States Army and the United States Air Force Recruiting Service, presents the new "mr. ace and JANE" program, a weekly half-hour comedy series starring radio's original comedy couple, the Aces!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Once again, the strains of "Manhattan Serenade" introduce the story of Mr. Ace and his wife Jane. Tonight, Chapter Thirteen, entitled, "Mr. Ace Is Assigned to Start an Advertising Campaign for a Baby Food and That Same Day, Jane Finds a Year-Old Baby on Her Doorstep and the Baby Inspires Mr. Ace to Write a Wonderful Advertisement Which Makes Money for Everyone Concerned -- Mr. Ace, the Baby Food Company, and the Baby." Or as Mr. Ace puts it--

MR. ACE:

Uh, it was a three-cornered deal. Tell ya about this kid in just a minute.

MUSIC:

FANFARE

ANNOUNCER:

Before we hear from the Aces, I'd like you to hear about the career that rates "ace high" with men all over America. It's a career that offers a real chance for advancement and the opportunity to use your education and ability. It offers security in the future and good pay right now. It guarantees comradeship with the finest young Americans and gives you the chance to be socially useful at the same time. What is that career?

It's one that's open to every qualified young man right now -- a career in the United States Army or the United States Air Force. Go to your nearest recruiting office for full details about these outstanding careers with a future.

MUSIC:

FOR AN INTRODUCTION

ANNOUNCER:

And now, Mr. Ace, you were saying something about an abandoned baby?

MR. ACE:

Well, last week, they handed me a rather distasteful assignment at the advertising agency where I work. They asked me to prepare an advertising campaign for a brand new baby food soon to come out on the market. They sent me a sample of the stuff. It looked like strained moss. And I am sure no self-respecting baby in his right mind would ever walk into a restaurant and order the stuff.

GIRL: Waiter, I'm a self-respecting baby in my right mind. So I'll have the regular dinner with the Hungarian ghoulash. And, instead of the strained moss, bring me a dill pickle. ...

MR. ACE:

(DRY) Uh, hey, kid -- no substitutions. (RESUMES HIS STORY) Why they picked me for this baby food campaign, I'll never know. Never having been a child myself, my background was all wrong. As a child, children confused me. The games they played -- cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians. Of course, back in my childhood, we played Whigs and Tories. ... I remember very few things about my youth, but most of all, I Remember Mama. (NOSTALGIC) Mama. Mama used to say to me--

MAMA:

(ANNOYED) Now, why don't you go out and play with the other boys? Why do you follow me around the house all day writing down everything I say? What are you gonna do -- write a play or something?

MR. ACE:

Also, I remember Life with Father.

FATHER:

Why don't you be like Johnny? Why don't you go outdoors and play with Johnny? Johnny don't sit around the house all day! Why don't you be like Johnny?

MR. ACE:

Years later, I returned to the scene of my childhood and I wondered how Johnny was making out. I asked his mother; I said, "What ever became of Johnny --- Mrs. Dillinger?" ... Uh, she told me. It seems Johnny was a case of arrested development. ... (TO HIMSELF) Uh, where was I? Oh, yes. Baby food. How'd I get mixed up with Dillinger? (RESUMES HIS STORY) I was sitting around the house after dinner the other night, trying to dream up some newspaper and magazine advertisements for this brand new baby food and Jane was helping me out.

JANE:

Dear, don't think so hard. You're getting furloughs in your brow.

MR. ACE:

Well, this new account they wished on me would give anybody furloughs.

JANE:

Well, what is it, dear? Maybe I can help you. Two heads are better than none, they say.

MR. ACE:

Mm. Well, start using both of yours, then.

JANE:

What is it about, dear?

MR. ACE:

Uh, baby food.

JANE:

Baby food. Yes?

MR. ACE:

Advertising.

JANE:

Advertising.

MR. ACE:

A new product.

JANE:

New Product.

MR. ACE:

Magazines.

JANE:

Magazines.

MR. ACE:

Newspapers.

JANE:

Newspapers.

MR. ACE:

Scalpel.

JANE:

Scalpel.

MR. ACE:

Sponge.

JANE:

Sponge.

MR. ACE:

Forceps.

JANE:

Forceps. ...

MR. ACE:

Next.

JANE:

Next.

MR. ACE:

Doing quite a business today, aren't we, nurse? ...

JANE:

What's going on here? What happened to the baby food?

MR. ACE:

Uh, look, uh, "Two Heads" -- I've got to write some magazine and newspaper ads for a new baby food.

JANE:

Well, what good is that? Babies can't read.

MR. ACE:

Well, look, Jane. You know that, and I know that, but let's don't say anything to the client; he's spending a lot of money on this campaign. Don't tell him, will ya?

JANE:

Oh, I won't, dear. You know me. Dumb's the word.

MR. ACE:

That's the word. ...

JANE:

What's the name of the baby food?

MR. ACE:

It has no name. I have to think of a name.

JANE:

Well, that shouldn't be so hard. Now, let me see. Let's all take one minute out and try to think, huh? Okay, dear?

MR. ACE:

(GRUMBLES ASSENT)

JANE:

All right, we're gonna think. Come on now. On your mark. Get set. Think!

MR. ACE:

Hm.

JANE:

This is a hard one. It's really a stinkler, isn't it? ...

MR. ACE:

Yes, it's a stinkler.

JANE:

Oh, wait a minute! I think I got it!

MR. ACE:

You have?

JANE:

Yeah! It hit me in the face like a flash in the pan.

MR. ACE:

Mmmm.

JANE:

Listen to this. What do all babies say?

MR. ACE:

Uh, "Waiter, I'll have the regular dinner with the Hungarian ghoulash"? ...

JANE:

All babies say, "Ga-Ga."

MR. ACE:

"Ga-Ga"?

JANE:

So why not name the baby food "Ga-Ga"? And when the babies say it, their mothers will think they're asking for more baby food. Doesn't it to you?

MR. ACE:

Uh, "Ga-Ga"?

JANE:

Yes. Capital G-A -- siphon -- capital G-A. ...

MR. ACE:

That "siphon" intrigues me, Jane.

JANE:

Don't you get it, dear?

MR. ACE:

I don't want it.

JANE:

Look. I'm a baby. (DEMONSTRATES) "Ga! Ga!"

MR. ACE:

(DISMISSIVE) Go, go.

JANE:

Ga-Ga! Ga-Ga!

MR. ACE:

(PLAYS ALONG) What's the matter? Baby want a nice mushful of strained moss?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ("BABY FACE")

MR. ACE:

(RESUMES HIS STORY) Well, after a fitful night of tossing in my playpen, I was still short one idea for the baby food campaign. At the office the next morning, things were complicated by a weird phone call from Jane to my secretary Miss Anderson. Miss Anderson is Jane's cousin.

MISS A:

I'm Jane's cousin!

MR. ACE:

When I'm concentrating on a new idea, I ask her to be very quiet.

MISS A:

When he's concentrating on a new idea, he asks me to be very quiet.

MR. ACE:

I sit in deep thought, staring out of my office window up at the sky.

MISS A:

He thinks to high heaven.

MR. ACE:

Mm hm. ... In the middle of all this, my boss, Mr. Norris came in.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

NORRIS:

Mr. Ace, we have a visitor in town -- Mr. Fischer, the man who manufactures that new baby food.

MR. ACE:

Oh, he's here? Well, maybe I should see him. I want to discuss the--

NORRIS:

See him?! You're going to entertain him while he's here!

MR. ACE:

Oh, fine. I'll show him the town. Maybe take him to a nightclub. Hey, he ought to like the Stork Club! (CHUCKLES) Baby food? Stork Club? ...

NORRIS:

(NO SENSE OF HUMOR) Hmm.

MR. ACE:

Or Child's? ...

NORRIS:

Uh, yeah.

MR. ACE:

Yeah, sorry.

NORRIS:

Mr. Ace, this is no time for levity. There's a big account at stake here and it's up to you to help us land it.

MR. ACE:

Well, I'll try my best, Mr. Norris.

NORRIS:

Mr. Fischer is a family man, home-type; I've already taken the liberty of inviting him to your house for dinner tonight.

MR. ACE:

Tonight?

SOUND:

PHONE STARTS TO RING

NORRIS:

I hope that's not too short notice?

MR. ACE:

Oh, no, I'll call Mrs. Ace and tell her that, uh-- Answer that phone, Miss Anderson, please.

MISS A:

I was just going to.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER UP

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Hello?

JANE:

(FILTER) Hello, is that you, Sally?

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Oh, is that you, Jane?

JANE:

(FILTER) Just fine!

MR. ACE:

Is that Jane? I want to talk to her.

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Your husband wants to talk to you.

MR. ACE:

Yes.

JANE:

(FILTER) Oh, I want to talk to him, too. Guess what, Sally? We had a blessed event.

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Really? When did it happen?

JANE:

(FILTER) Just a minute ago. On the doorstep. ... A note was pinned on it.

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Well, of all things--! I saw you just yesterday; you didn't say a thing about it! How are you feeling?

JANE:

(FILTER) Oh, wonderful. Excited, of course.

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Well, naturally!

JANE:

(FILTER) Let me talk to him. But don't you tell him about it. I want to surprise him.

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Oh, sure-- Surprise him?! Doesn't he know about it?

JANE:

(FILTER) No. It happened after he left the house. ... Let me talk to him, Sally.

MR. ACE:

(IMPATIENT) Give me the phone, will ya, Miss Anderson? What are you gabbing about?

MISS A:

(UNCERTAIN) I better not say. Maybe I didn't hear correctly and I don't want to get your hopes up for nothing.

MR. ACE:

Talk, talk, talk. Excuse me, Mr. Norris. (INTO PHONE) Hello, Jane.

JANE:

(FILTER) Dear, this is Jane.

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) I know, I know.

JANE:

(FILTER) Guess what?

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) What? Look, Jane, I was just going to call you. I've invited Mr. Fischer, the baby food man, out to the house for dinner tonight.

JANE:

(FILTER) Dear, a blessed event--!

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Well, I'm hoping it will be. Have a nice dinner, will ya?

JANE:

(FILTER) We've got a baby! A real live year-old baby!

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) See you tonight, Jane; I'll bring him out about six o'clock.

JANE:

(FILTER) But, dear--!

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) So long, Jane.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER DOWN

MR. ACE:

There you are, Mr. Norris. It's all arranged. Now, will Mr. Fischer come here or do I go over to the--? Baby?!

NORRIS:

What's that, Mr. Ace?

MR. ACE:

Did she say a baby?

MISS A:

Oh, then I did hear correctly! Congratulations, Mr. Ace!

NORRIS:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) What's that? You have a baby? Fine! Nice timing, Mr. Ace! ... Yes, it couldn't have happened at a more opportune time. This will really clinch our deal for Mr. Fischer's baby food. Mr. Ace, congratulations again. I'm going to write an interoffice memo for the other men in our organization citing you as an example of closer cooperation!

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

MR. ACE:

Isn't that awful? What has she done now?

MISS A:

What has she done? Oh, really now, Mr. Ace!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ("I FOUND A MILLION DOLLAR BABY")

MR. ACE:

Yes, I know what you're thinking. This whole thing's too coincidental; my working on a baby food account and Jane finding a baby the same day. Well, if you don't believe that part, I know you won't believe the rest of this story. So, uh, it's been charming. See ya next week, huh? ... But for those of you who want to stick around, I can tell you that while I was collecting my wits at the office, Jane had invited a godfather over to the house for the baby -- Ken Roberts, our next door neighbor. He's a radio announcer. You hear him doing commercials all the time. I heard him the other night doing a commercial for a correspondence school. He said something like, uh--

ANNOUNCER:

Like, uh-- Friends, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing! Enroll in our school! Get a little knowledge! Live dangerously!

MR. ACE:

What a salesman.

ANNOUNCER:

Parents, does your child say, "I ain't got"? Well, get her some!

MR. ACE:

That's Ken Roberts. And he and Jane are cooing over this newly-found infant.

JANE:

Ken, did you ever see anything as gorgeous as he is? He's as pretty as a fixture.

ANNOUNCER:

Hello, there, boy. Jane, what a baby! Let's have a smile. Smile. Come on -- smile! Smile!

JANE:

I am smiling! ...

ANNOUNCER:

No, Jane, I meant the baby.

JANE:

Oh. Ken, you should have seen him smile when I picked him up from the doorstep.

ANNOUNCER:

Really? Did he whimper?

JANE:

Not a whimp.

ANNOUNCER:

Well, are you gonna keep him, Jane?

JANE:

Keep him? Of course I'm gonna keep him.

ANNOUNCER:

But isn't it the law that you have to report it?

JANE:

No. I think the law is, if nobody calls for him in thirty days, he's mine. ...

BABY:

(COOS)

JANE:

Oh, look, Ken, he likes that. He says, "That's right -- thirty days."

ANNOUNCER:

(TO BABY) Thirty days, old boy.

JANE:

Thirty days hath September, and no wonder.

BABY:

(ADORABLE BABY TALK)

JANE:

I think he's talking, Ken. Doesn't it to you?

ANNOUNCER:

Oh, he can't talk, Jane. The note said he was only a year old. What else did it say, Jane?

JANE:

Oh, it said, "I'm a year old. Please take care of me." And such a nice little handwriting he's got, too. ...

ANNOUNCER:

Oh, now, Jane, the baby didn't write that note.

JANE:

Oh, I know. Just a proud mother talking, Ken.

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

JANE:

Oh, I wonder who that is.

ANNOUNCER:

Maybe it's somebody calling for him.

JANE:

Oh, I hope not. I better go see, huh? Watch him now, Ken.

ANNOUNCER:

(OFF) I'm watching. (TO BABY) Hi, there, Nature Boy.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

JANE:

Yes? What is it, please?

AGNES:

I beg your pardon, but could you use a good housemaid?

JANE:

A housemaid?

AGNES:

Yes. I'll work for very little. Just - just room and board will be enough. I'm really desperate. I need work!

JANE:

Well, come in, come in.

AGNES:

Oh, thank you.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

JANE:

A housemaid? Yes, we might need one at that. I just got an addition to the family. Uh, do you mind babies in the family?

AGNES:

Oh, no, not at all.

JANE:

You won't? Well, if I got a maid, I'd want her to mind the baby.

AGNES:

Oh, I'll mind the baby. Of course I will.

JANE:

Oh, well, that's more like it. Isn't it cute? Look.

AGNES:

Oh, it's beautiful.

BABY:

(ADORABLE BABY TALK)

AGNES:

Oh, I'd just love to work here, and I'll be so grateful for the chance.

JANE:

Well, I think maybe I will. What do you think, Ken?

ANNOUNCER:

Well, now that you have this child, Jane--

JANE:

Yes. Well, um, what is your name, miss?

AGNES:

Agnes. Uh, Agnes Brown.

JANE:

All right, Agnes. When do you want to start?

AGNES:

Right now. I'll start right now. Just show me where my room is.

JANE:

Well, we have a spare room. It's right in there; I'll show you. Here it is.

SOUND:

SPARE ROOM DOOR OPENS

JANE:

Uh, go right in and take off your coat and you can start right away. And if you like it here--

AGNES:

Oh, I know I will. And, as for the baby, don't worry. I'll treat it as if it were my own.

JANE:

Ohhhh, that's sweet. All right then, go ahead, Agnes, and come out as soon as you can.

AGNES:

Oh, thank you! I'm ever so grateful.

SOUND:

SPARE ROOM DOOR CLOSES

JANE:

(SIGHS) My goodness, Ken, some excitement! A maid and this darling little baby.

BABY:

(ADORABLE BABY TALK)

JANE:

(CHUCKLES) Yes, you are! Here, let me lift you up. Upsy-crazy!

BABY:

(WILD BUT ADORABLE LAUGHTER)

ANNOUNCER:

Y'know, Jane-- Jane, that girl Agnes; she didn't look like a maid, did she?

JANE:

Ken, exactly what I was thinking! You know, Ken, if this was one of those radio serials, I'd swear this baby was left on the doorstep by Agnes, and then she came to get a job here as a maid so she'd be near her baby. You know those stories.

ANNOUNCER:

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that corny stuff!

JANE:

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that corny stuff.

ANNOUNCER:

Ah, they do it all the time.

BIZ:

JANE & ANNOUNCER LAUGH ... BABY JOINS IN LAUGHING, ADORABLY

JANE:

Oh, look. Even he's laughing at the radio. You know, some day he'll grow up to be a studio audience.

BABY:

(MORE ADORABLE LAUGHTER)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MR. ACE:

While Jane was making like Mrs. Whistler and wondering what to send herself for Mother's Day, I was sitting at the office trying to figure out what hit me. And Miss Anderson was heckling me from the sidelines.

MISS A:

As Jane's cousin as well as your secretary, I think I'm entitled to a fair explanation of this baby business.

MR. ACE:

But I don't know any more about it than you do.

MISS A:

Oh, come now. I know the facts of life.

MR. ACE:

You do? Well, I wish you'd explain them to me.

MISS A:

Well, the bees carry the pollen from the--

MR. ACE:

Ohhhh, no, no. Isn't that awful? Look, will you do me a favor? Call the house, get Jane on the phone; I gotta talk to her.

MISS A:

I should hope you would.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER UP ... DIALS BEHIND--

MR. ACE:

(TO HIMSELF) Fischer coming to dinner and she calls me up with this baby business.

MISS A:

What puzzles me most is that I saw Jane just yesterday. She didn't say a word about--

JANE:

(FILTER) Hello?

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Jane?

JANE:

(FILTER) Yes. Is that you, Sally?

MISS A:

(INTO PHONE) Jane, what goes on there? As your cousin, I demand--

MR. ACE:

Uh, Miss Anderson, will you give me that phone? Let me talk to her. (INTO PHONE) Hello, Jane.

JANE:

(FILTER) Is that you, dear?

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Jane, what happened there? What's this about a baby?

JANE:

(FILTER) I told you. I found the baby on the doorstep with a note pinned on it.

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Found it?

JANE:

(FILTER) It said, "I'm a year old. Please take care of me." And guess what else? I just hired a maid to look after him.

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) A maid?

JANE:

(FILTER) Yes, she came to the door and asked for a job, so I took her. For no money; she just wants room and board, and she'll look after the baby.

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Oh, but you're not thinking of keeping that baby?

JANE:

(FILTER) And why not -- if I may be so cold?

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Because you're not! I'm going to report it to the police.

JANE:

(FILTER) Stool pigeon.

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Stool pigeon? What are you talking about?

JANE:

(FILTER) You wait till you come home and see him tonight.

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) But I'm having Mr. Fischer tonight for dinner. It's very important. If I lose this baby food account--

JANE:

(FILTER) But, dear, if Mr. Fischer sees we have a baby, he won't mind. He makes baby food. I'll tell him our baby eats nothing but his baby food.

MR. ACE:

(TO HIMSELF) Hey, wait a minute, that's an idea. I can report it after I get the account. (INTO PHONE) Jane?

JANE:

(FILTER) Yes, father?

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Uh, Jane-- Oh, stop that, will ya? ... Jane, take care of that kid and, listen now, not a word to Mr. Fischer that it isn't ours.

JANE:

(FILTER) I know, dear. Strictly entre nous and me.

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Yes, strictly entre nous and me.

JANE:

(FILTER, LAUGHS) He's such a beautiful baby, dear.

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) That's good.

JANE:

(FILTER) He looks like he understands everything I'm saying right to his nose. Honestly, dear, he's almost human! ...

MR. ACE:

(INTO PHONE) Almost, yes. ... That's fine, Jane. So long. Now, you be careful -- don't walk up any stairs. Oh, what am I saying?! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MR. ACE:

Yes, I know it was a shabby thing to do, making a huckster out of a year-old baby. Shows you how a man in the advertising business will sell a strange kid's birthright for a mess of strained pottage. Well, late that afternoon, Jane and Ken were still cooing over the baby, waiting for me to come home.

JANE:

And this little piggy went to the A & P. And this little piggy went to the Safeway.

BABY:

(ADORABLE LAUGHTER)

JANE:

He likes that story best. Don't you, little fella? All right, Uncle Ken, it's your turn again.

ANNOUNCER:

Gee, I don't know any more stories, Jane. I told him every one I-- Oh, wait -- I'll read him this commercial!

JANE:

Ken, you wouldn't dare.

ANNOUNCER:

Why not? He's had a whole afternoon of entertainment. Now comes time for the commercial.

JANE:

Well, maybe you're right, Ken. Sooner or later he's got to learn he can't go through life having a good time without stopping to listen to a commercial. And it's better he learns it from us than from some strange network. ... All right, baby -- Uncle Ken will now read a commercial.

ANNOUNCER:

Got a minute for two interesting questions? What is the largest adult education program in the world today? What program is doing more than any other in history to raise the educational level of the young men of our nation? Two interesting questions -- only one answer. The education program of the United States Army and the United States Air Force!

Yes, thanks to that program, today's soldiers and airmen are the best-educated in history. Just listen to these figures. Fifty thousand soldiers in organized classes at military installations. Five thousand in civilian schools with tuition mostly paid by the Army. Ten thousand taking college correspondence courses mostly paid for by the Army. One hundred and forty-five thousand studying self-teaching courses. Five thousand per month qualifying for high school diplomas or equivalency certificates. That's a grand total of two hundred and twenty thousand young men now enrolled in the Army and Air Force education program. Proof that, today, an Army man is a well-educated man!

And remember, too, that in the Army a man earns what he learns. For the young man who wants to continue his education, who wants security, good pay, a chance for advancement and many other benefits, enlistment in the United States Army is the answer. See your nearest recruiting office for full details about an Army career -- America's outstanding career with a future.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

MR. ACE:

Jane, I'm home!

JANE:

Oh, look who's here, baby! Here's your daddy! Look, dear, did you ever see such a cute baby? Say hello to him, dear.

MR. ACE:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Uhhhh, hi, babe.

BABY:

(WEEPS AND WAILS)

MR. ACE:

Ohhh, fine, fine.

JANE:

Dear! What did you do to him?

MR. ACE:

I didn't do anything!

ANNOUNCER:

He made the baby cry, Jane.

MR. ACE:

I did not!

JANE:

Don't cry, baby; it's only your father.

BABY:

(CALMS DOWN)

ANNOUNCER:

Look, he scared the little fella.

MR. ACE:

Ken, why don't you go home?

SOUND:

SPARE ROOM DOOR OPENS

AGNES:

Mrs. Ace, what happened? Is something wrong? What made the baby cry?

JANE:

Mr. Ace came home.

MR. ACE:

Oh, fine. Maybe I shouldn't have come home.

JANE:

Oh, well, this is my husband, Agnes.

AGNES:

How do you do?

MR. ACE:

Oh, how do you do?

AGNES:

Mrs. Ace, I must insist on putting the baby to bed. It's way past its--

MR. ACE:

Oh, wait just a minute, uh, Agnes. There's a man coming to dinner, Mr. Fischer. I want him to see the child. And as soon as he sees it, you take it in and put it to bed.

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

MR. ACE:

Oh, there he is now. (MOVING OFF) I'll go, Jane.

AGNES:

Mrs. Ace, it's way past the baby's bedtime.

JANE:

Oh, a few minutes more won't hurt anything, Agnes.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... CLOSES DURING FOLLOWING--

MR. ACE:

Well, come in, Mr. Fischer.

FISCHER:

Good evening.

MR. ACE:

Come right in. Have trouble finding us?

FISCHER:

No, not at all.

MR. ACE:

Good, good. Right in here, Mr. Fischer. Here we are. Oh, this is my wife. Jane, this is Mr. Fischer.

FISCHER:

I'm glad to know you, Mrs. Ace.

JANE:

Pleased to meet your acquaintance.

MR. ACE:

(BROADLY HINTING) And this is Mr. Roberts who is just going home, Mr. Fischer.

FISCHER:

Glad to know you.

ANNOUNCER:

How do you do?

FISCHER:

Oh, ho ho! What a beautiful child!

MR. ACE:

(SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Yes.

JANE:

Say hello to Mr. Fischer, baby.

BABY:

Ga-Ga!

FISCHER:

(PLAYFUL) Well, well, well! What are you trying to say?

JANE:

He said, "Ga-Ga." (TO MR. ACE) You see, dear? All babies say, "Ga-Ga."

MR. ACE:

(DOUR) Yes.

BABY:

Ga-Ga!

FISCHER:

"Ga-Ga" to you, young man. I wonder what babies want when they say, "Ga-Ga."

JANE:

Well, if "Ga-Ga" was the name of your baby food, Mr. Fischer, their mothers would think they were asking for that.

FISCHER:

"Ga-Ga Baby Food"?

JANE:

Yes.

FISCHER:

(INSPIRED) "Babies go gaga over Ga-Ga!"

BABY:

(HAPPILY) Ga-Ga!

FISCHER:

(LAUGHS) Look at the little fella! He likes it! (GRANDLY) Mr. Ace -- there's our advertising campaign!

MR. ACE:

You mean you like that?

AGNES:

Mrs. Ace, I think the baby should be put to bed now.

MR. ACE:

Uh, yes, Agnes, that's the idea. Take him in.

FISCHER:

Oh, so soon? We've just met!

MR. ACE:

Well--

JANE:

Well, we only kept him up, Mr. Fischer, because Mr. Ace thought he'd have a better chance of selling you--

MR. ACE:

(INTERRUPTS HASTILY) Uh, Jane! Please! (CLEARS THROAT SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Uh, Agnes, put him to bed.

JANE:

Come on, Ken, we'll all go watch Agnes put our little boy to bed. Off to bed we go! Let me carry him in.

AGNES:

[?]

JANE:

(MOVING OFF) Yes, rag man's coming.

MR. ACE:

(TO HIMSELF) Mmm. Rag man's coming. Great.

FISCHER:

Well, Mr. Ace, congratulations, he's a fine, husky young man. Looks just like you, too.

MR. ACE:

Like me? Oh, no. After all, I wear glasses and-- ...

FISCHER:

(INSPIRED AGAIN) Here's an idea, Mr. Ace! How about using your son's picture on the label?

MR. ACE:

My son?

FISCHER:

I'll give you a thousand dollars for the use of his picture!

MR. ACE:

A thousand dollars?

FISCHER:

Well, the money has nothing to do with your advertising agency. It's for the baby's mother. In fact, I'll make the check out to Mrs. Ace if she'll sign a release for--

SOUND:

SPARE ROOM DOOR OPENS

FISCHER:

Why, here she is! Is your son asleep, Mrs. Ace?

JANE:

Yes, he is. He fell asleep the minute we undressed her.

MR. ACE:

She?

FISCHER:

Mrs. Ace, I want your son's picture-- She?

MR. ACE:

What are you talking about, Jane?

JANE:

Sorry, dear. Slight mistake.

MR. ACE:

What?

JANE:

We just found out he's a girl. ...

FISCHER:

What's going on here?

MR. ACE:

Oh, I knew something like this was gonna happen.

FISCHER:

What happened?

MR. ACE:

Well-- Well, the baby isn't ours. Mrs. Ace found him on the doorstep today.

FISCHER:

What?!

MR. ACE:

Yes.

JANE:

Found her, dear. Wrong pense.

MR. ACE:

Wrong pense, yes. I wish whole thing were all past.

FISCHER:

Mrs. Ace, don't tell me that baby in there isn't yours.

JANE:

All right. ...

MR. ACE:

Oh, fine. Well, look, Mr. Fischer, that shouldn't make any difference. You can still use the baby's picture on your label.

FISCHER:

And be sued by the baby's mother?! Oh, no. I'm willing to pay a thousand dollars to the baby's mother for the use of the picture. But who'll I give it to?

AGNES:

You can give it to me, Mr. Fischer!

FISCHER:

What?!

JANE:

Agnes!

MR. ACE:

(STAMMERS) Wait a minute. Are you--? You mean that baby is--?

AGNES:

She's mine. I left her on your doorstep, Mrs. Ace. I'm her mother.

JANE:

You? Then what am I?

MR. ACE:

Oh, Jane, quiet, please. ... Agnes, how 'bout your husband? Where is he?

AGNES:

Oh, John went out West to make us a home. He couldn't take me and the baby. He's having a very hard time and - and this is my chance to join him. I'll take that check, Mr. Fischer.

FISCHER:

Well, if you're the baby's mother and you're willing to sign a release for the use of the child's picture--

AGNES:

Oh, I will! Anything!

FISCHER:

Very well. You be at Mr. Ace's office in the morning and we'll make out the release, and the money's yours.

AGNES:

Oh, thank you very much! You've given me new hope; the will to go on!

FISCHER:

Then it's all settled.

MR. ACE:

Uh, but, Mr. Fischer, will Agnes go out West to meet her husband?

JANE:

And will she take the baby with her?

MR. ACE:

And if she takes the baby with her, what about the picture of the baby on the label?

JANE:

And what about Agnes' husband? Will he be waiting when she gets there?

ANNOUNCER:

And will Mr. Ace get the advertising account?

JANE:

Tune in tomorrow at this same time!

MR. ACE:

Uh, Jane, please. Don't-- ... Don't get carried away.

AGNES:

Mrs. Ace, I want to thank you -- and you, too, Mr. Ace -- for everything. John and I will be forever grateful.

MR. ACE:

Oh, it's nothing. Things like this happen every fifteen minutes, Monday through Friday. ... Uh, things like, uh-- Well, you know the kind of things I mean.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ORGAN ... FOR A SOAP OPERA, HEAVY ON THE CHEESE ... SEGUES TO "HEARTS AND FLOWERS" ON VIOLIN ... CONTINUES IN BG

MR. ACE:

(VERY DRY) Well, yesterday when we left the Aces, Jane and Mr. Ace, with heavy heart, had bid a sad farewell to the little stranger they had both come to love, except Mr. Ace. ... And Agnes had taken the thousand dollars offered her by Mr. Fischer for the use of her son's picture, who turned out to be her daughter. And who Jane pretended was her own son. But was really the daughter of Agnes, the unfortunate woman who pretended to be a maid ... because her husband John, although he had come out of the war a hero, had been unable to pick up the tattered remnants of his life, or anything else. ... And he had been advised by kindly old Doctor Fisher -- no relation to Mr. Fischer, the baby food tycoon who spells his name with a 'C' -- but who is the kindly old Doctor Heinrich Fisher, famous Viennese psychoanalyst, who after a brief stay in New York where he met John, was hired by kindly old Twentieth Century-Fox ... as technical advisor on their
next picture for Ingrid Bergman ... currently appearing in "The Arch of Triumph" with Charles Boyer ... whom you will remember for his brilliant performance in "Algiers" ... with Hedy Lamarr ... who was brought to the attention of Hollywood by her success in the foreign picture "Ecstasy" which was produced in Vienna, the home of Doctor Heinrich Fisher ... the kindly old doctor who advised John to go West and make a home for Agnes and the child John has never seen -- because Agnes was always leaving it around on doorsteps. ...

MUSIC:

OUT

MR. ACE:

As we look in on the Aces today, we find nobody home. She speaks. ...

JANE:

Dear, why don't you be like John? John didn't sit around the house all day. John went out West--

MR. ACE:

Okay, Mrs. Dillinger, this is where I came in. (DISGUSTED, TO HIMSELF) All my life, why don't I be like John - John - John?

MUSIC:

FOR A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

In just a moment, I'll give you the title of Chapter Fourteen in the story of "mr. ace and JANE."

MUSIC:

FANFARE

ANNOUNCER:

Now, I want to talk directly to all you young men who are graduating from high school this year. Just what are your plans for the future? Do you want to continue your education? Or do you want to start working and earning your own way? Or perhaps you're a young man who wants adventure and travel. Well, whatever type of career you want can be yours in the United States Army or the United States Air Force. Being an Army or Air Force man today, you'll be a better man tomorrow. So better get to your nearest recruiting office right away to make your career one with a future.

MUSIC:

THEME ("MANHATTAN SERENADE")

ANNOUNCER:

Next week, "mr. ace and JANE" will bring you Chapter Fourteen, entitled, "Jane Takes Up Astrology and Learns to Her Amazement That, According to the Star She Was Born Under, She's Been Married to the Wrong Man - And Mr. Ace, After Trying in Vain to Persuade Her It Hasn't Been a Mistake, Packs Up and Leaves Home." Or as Mr. Ace puts it--

MR. ACE:

How Capricorny can ya get? Good night.

JANE:

Me, too.

MR. ACE:

Good night.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ("MANHATTAN SERENADE")

ANNOUNCER:

The script for "mr. ace and JANE" is written by Goodman Ace. Original music conducted by Morris Surdin. In the supporting cast were Florence Robinson as Miss Anderson; Eric Dressler as Mr. Norris; Beatrice [Karns?] as Agnes; John Griggs as Mr. Fischer, with a 'C'; Madeleine Pearce as the "Ga-Ga" baby; Judith Boxer as the child-- [...] This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.