Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: My Friend Irma
Show: Irma Writes a Column
Date: Feb 03 1952

CAST:

The CBS Team:
ANNOUNCER
VOICE
MEDICAL AUTHORITY
BASIL O'CONNOR
EYE GENE ANNOUNCER
CBS ANNOUNCER

Dramatis Personae:
IRMA, beautiful but very dumb
JANE, her best friend and roommate
MRS. O'REILLY, their large Irish landlady
PROFESSOR KROPOTKIN, their underweight Russian-Jewish neighbor
AL, Irma's no-account boyfriend
VIOLET MURPHY, Irma's friend
SERGEANT
PICKPOCKET, goofy voice
OFFICER

MUSIC:

THEME ... ALFRED NEWMAN'S "STREET SCENE"

JANE:

(NARRATES) Me? I'm Jane Stacy. Her? That's Irma Peterson -- the only girl in the world who is so stupid she thinks a monsoon is a French gentleman. ... I'm not kidding. Look at her smiling and waving that box of Ennds. (TO IRMA) What's the idea, Irma?

IRMA:

Oh, I'm happy.

JANE:

I don't get it.

IRMA:

Well, when a dog is happy, he waves his tail. I haven't got a tail, so I'm waving my Ennds. ...

ANNOUNCER:

Well, friends, you'll be happy, too, when you see how quickly Ennds chlorophyll tablets stop "Triple-O." Yes, Ennds -- E-N-N-D-S -- stop odors of body, odors of breath, odor offense; stop all three all at the same time; keep you fresh as a daisy, all day, all over. It's amazing, but one or two tiny Ennds tablets daily are all you need to stop "Triple-O"!

MUSIC: THEME BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

And now, Ennds -- America's most popular chlorophyll tablets -- are proud to present your favorite comedy show, created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane in--

JANE:

My Friend Irma!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT

IRMA:

(MUSES, TO HERSELF) Now, let me see, uh, Eleanor Roosevelt calls her column "My Day"--

JANE:

What's this?

IRMA:

No, I can't use the title "My Day" -- so I think I'll call it, "My Twenty-Five Hours."

JANE:

Twenty-five hours?

IRMA:

Yes. Remember, this is leap year; the days are longer. ...

JANE:

Irma Peterson, what are you raving about?

IRMA:

Gee, didn't you know? I'm writing a column.

JANE:

Oh, sure, and I'm wrestling Gorgeous George at the Yankee Stadium. ...

IRMA:

No, I'm serious. Read this letter.

JANE:

Well, let me see it.

SOUND:

RATTLE OF LETTER

JANE:

Uh-- (READS) "Miss Irma Peterson. We have your note in which you state that our paper, "The West Wide Shopper," lacks appeal for women. We would welcome any contribution our readers can make -- be it a sentence, a paragraph, a column."

IRMA:

Oh, and look what it says here. (READS) "Naturally, as far as payment is concerned, you must understand it will be great."

JANE:

Where?

IRMA:

Right there.

JANE:

Irma, it says, "As far as payment is concerned, it will be gratis." ...

IRMA:

Gratis! That's better than great! That's plural! ...

JANE:

Gratis means "for nothing."

IRMA:

You mean they won't pay me for the column?

JANE:

Well, Irma, this newspaper is given away for nothing and with a column by you in it, they may find it hard to get that price. ...

IRMA:

I'm not gonna let you discourage me. I've already written my first column, and I think it's pretty good. Why don't you look at it?

JANE:

Alrighty. I think I went through something like this when you wrote your memoirs. Let me see. (READS) '"My Twenty-Five Hours" by Irma Peterson. I got up bright and early this morning.' (DRY) Why don't you just make it "early"? ...

IRMA:

All right. ...

JANE:

(READS) "I had a cold shower. Then, for breakfast I had orange juice, toast, eggs, newspaper, and coffee." ... Newspaper? Your doctor prescribed roughage? ...

IRMA:

You don't think it's good so far?

JANE:

Well, let me put it this way, honey. You say this column is going into the newspaper, uh huh?

IRMA:

Yes.

JANE:

Well, as you know, newspapers are made from wood pulp, and wood pulp is made out of trees. So now I know why all the willows are weeping. ...

IRMA:

Why don't you read on?

JANE:

All right, I will. Maybe there's a trace of oxygen somewhere in this carbon monoxide. Let me see. Uh-- (READS) "Beauty Hints! Girls, to have a lovely figure, do as I do -- bend down and touch your toes ten times. If you have extra long toes, stand back a little, as this is cheating. ... To have beautiful hair, wash your head with beer. Keep your mouth closed during the treatment, as this may prove to be habit forming. ... Girls under twenty-one must be accompanied to the beauty saloon by their parents." (EXASPERATED) Ohhh, Irma.

IRMA:

What do you think?

JANE:

Well, honey, "The West Side Shopper" is slipped under doors. Would you like to see every house around here with a barbed-wire fence around it?

IRMA:

Aw, you're just saying that because I wrote the column. You wouldn't say that if Eleanor Roosevelt wrote it.

JANE:

Cookie, if Mrs. Roosevelt wrote that column, the Republicans wouldn't even have to campaign this year. ... Now, please stop comparing yourself with that wonderful woman. She's a humanitarian, she's doing great work for the United Nations, and she knows all the outstanding personalities of the world.

IRMA:

Ahhh, I know personalities, too. See what I wrote here under "Social Items"? (READS) "Amber Lipscott, well-known girl sandhog, was trapped under the Hudson River for three hours. She was rescued by Freddy Fulton, prominent frogman, and they have been jumping around together ever since." ...

SOUND:

KNOCK AT DOOR

JANE:

If this is Walter Winchell with a gun, please come in. ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

JANE:

Hi, Mrs. O'Reilly.

O'REILLY:

Girls, wait till you hear the news!

IRMA:

Now wait, don't say anything until I get my pencil.

O'REILLY:

Pencil?

JANE:

Oh, sure. Irma's doing a column for "The West Side Shopper."

O'REILLY:

Oh, I read that paper every day. Where's your column going to be, Irma?

JANE:

(DRY) On the page where they have secondhand bargains.

O'REILLY:

Oh.

IRMA:

It is not! I'm going to alternate with the obituary column. And when nobody dies, they're gonna use my stuff. ...

JANE:

Gee, maybe we ought to go around poisoning people. ...

IRMA:

Janey, you're being cruel again.

JANE:

I'm sorry.

O'REILLY:

Well, she has nothing to lose. Personally, I think it's a lot of fun writing about who was seen with whom, what was seen where, and why. When me late husband, Officer Clancy, was courting me, our names was always in the columns.

JANE:

Not really?

O'REILLY:

Yes. It always said, "What handsome officer was seen with which?" ...

JANE:

"With which"?

O'REILLY:

Yes, and they always made the same typographical error. They spelled it W-I-T-C-H. ...

IRMA:

Well, Mrs. O'Reilly, my column's gonna contain beauty hints. Uh, you always say you have a lot of beauty secrets. Would you give me some?

O'REILLY:

Oh, I'd be glad to, dearie. Now, a lot of girls have red hair like mine and they want to keep it naturally red, so all you do is take the juice of three tomatoes--

IRMA:

Yes?

O'REILLY:

--chop up two beets, add a half a cup of ketchup and a dash of paprika. And just rub it into the scalp. It's simple, and the whole thing costs about thirty-five cents.

JANE:

Is that a la carte or on the dinner? ...

SOUND:

KNOCK AT DOOR

PROFESSOR:

(BEHIND DOOR) Is Mrs. O'Reilly in there?

O'REILLY:

Yes! Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

O'REILLY:

Well, what is it, Professor?

PROFESSOR:

Mrs. O'Reilly, did you ever hear about the little boy who held his finger in the hole in the dike?

O'REILLY:

Yes.

PROFESSOR:

Well, you better send for him. The pipe in my room is leaking again. ...

O'REILLY:

I know. I've already sent for the plumber. Irma, darling, have you written any of your column yet?

IRMA:

Yes, I read most of it to Jane. Now, I wrote this under "Cooking Hints"--

JANE:

Cooking hints?

IRMA:

Yes. (READS) "To all housewives. Many of you have trouble stuffing a turkey because it is so dark inside the bird. We suggest you pull the turkey inside out, stuff it on the outside, and then shove it back into place again." ...

PROFESSOR:

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did I hear right? You are writing a column?

JANE:

Oh, Professor, tell her she's not cut out for it. She thinks I'm against her.

O'REILLY:

Well, why should we criticize her? She might have fun writing choice bits of gossip about the people in the neighborhood.

PROFESSOR:

Such as?

O'REILLY:

Well, cute little things like, "When Professor Kropotkin is near Kathleen O'Reilly, the air is full of electricity." (LAUGHS) ...

PROFESSOR:

Why do you say it's electricity? Is it because you are built like a turbine or because that face of yours is enough to shock anybody? ...

O'REILLY:

Now, wait a minute, you leftover from a dog's dinner--! ...

PROFESSOR:

Don't go telling anybody to put my name in any paper with yours, Mrs. O'Reilly. My mother thinks I was killed by a truck. Why should I make her miserable? ...

O'REILLY:

You wouldn't be making such a fuss if it wasn't the truth, and remember, the truth never hurts.

PROFESSOR:

It doesn't? So how come you wear so many girdles? ...

IRMA:

Oh, now stop it, the two of you! I won't print a word about either of you in my column.

JANE:

Now listen -- there's a little object lesson for you, sweetie. Not only can you break up people's lives by what you print in the paper, but you can be sued. Don't you forget that.

IRMA:

Sued?

JANE:

Yes, if you print anything that's untrue, that's libel.

IRMA:

(BEAT) Well, go on, Jane, finish your sentence. That's liable to what? ...

JANE:

No, honey, no. Libel is slander in the written form.

IRMA:

I don't understand.

PROFESSOR:

Yeah, well, let me explain, Irma. Now, if I should say that Mrs. O'Reilly is ninety years old, this is slander.

O'REILLY:

I should say so.

PROFESSOR:

But if I print that she's ninety years old, this is libel.

O'REILLY:

Indeed!

PROFESSOR:

However, if I add them both together and say she's a hundred and eighty, this is neither slander nor libel. This is historical fact! ... Goodbye, girls.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

O'REILLY:

Oh, I'm gettin' right after him! And, Irma, if you print anything about me, print me true age. Thirty-nine! ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

IRMA:

Thirty-nine? Jane, is that slander or libel?

JANE:

(AMUSED) Honey, that's neither. That's hallucinations. ...

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

JANE:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Yes, just a minute. (TO IRMA) It's for you, Irma.

IRMA:

Thanks. (INTO PHONE) Hello? Who is this? -- "West Side Shopper"? (TO JANE) Oh, Jane, it's my editor, Mr. Fletcher. (INTO PHONE) Uh, yes, Mr. Fletcher, I'm getting my column ready. -- Huh? -- Oh, that's too bad. Why don't you call the zoo?

JANE:

The zoo? What are you talking about?

IRMA:

He says they have a dead lion at the office. ...

JANE:

Irma, that's "deadline"!

IRMA:

Well, don't yell at me; I didn't kill it!

JANE:

Ohhhh. ... Give me the phone, will you? (INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Hello? Yes, Mr. Fletcher. -- Uh, yes, I know. She misunderstood you. I'm her roommate, Jane Stacy, and-- -- I see. -- You say it's very nice of her to volunteer to do this column for nothing? I'm sure you'll get your money's worth. ... I mean, I mean, of course she'll have it by tomorrow. -- Yes, I see. -- Choice bits of neighborhood gossip. Yes, all right, Mr. Fletcher, I'll tell her. Goodbye.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER DOWN

IRMA:

He wants the column by tomorrow? Why can't I turn in the one I already wrote?

JANE:

Why?! Irma, on the masthead of "The West Side Shopper" is a small picture of Washington crossing the Delaware. Do you want him to jump into the water? ...

IRMA:

Oh, what shall I do?

JANE:

Well, write a new one, honey. Fletcher wants neighborhood gossip. Just go to all the places you know and find out what's new.

IRMA:

All right. I'll go to Schultz, the butcher, and Mr. Wong, the laundryman. Then I'll visit Hogan's fish market, and I'll hang around Spike's poolroom for a couple of hours. (BEAT) Jane?

JANE:

What is it?

IRMA:

Are you sure Mrs. Roosevelt started this way?

JANE:

Oh, get out of here!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

VOICE:

(HEAVY ECHO) O - O - O! Guard against "Triple-O"!

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, guard against "Triple-O"! Odor of breath, odor of body, odor offense! If you've been using old-fashioned body deodorants, mouthwashes, toothpastes or deodorant soap to avoid offending, now here's an easier, quicker, much more effective way to keep fresh as a daisy, all over, all day long.

VOICE:

(HEAVY ECHO) Take Ennds today! Chase "Triple-O" away!

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, one or two tiny Ennds chlorophyll tablets protect you against "Triple-O" -- against all three odor offenses. No muss, no fuss. Stop "Triple-O" in minutes! Prove it with the famous Ennds test! Rub an onion slice on your hand! Now, take an Ennds chlorophyll tablet! Moisten! And rub it on the same spot! The odor's gone! That's how Ennds work -- where odors begin -- inside your body to stop "Triple-O"! And remember Ennds contain one hundred milligrams -- a fully effective dose -- of daritol chlorophyll! Don't expect such lasting protection from cheaper chewing gum and candy substitutes which contain so little chlorophyll!

VOICE:

(HEAVY ECHO) Take Ennds today! Chase "Triple-O" away!

ANNOUNCER:

Insist on Ennds! Called Ennds because they end your worries about "Triple-O"! That's E-N-N-D-S -- Ennds chlorophyll tablets.

VOICE:

(HEAVY ECHO) Safe?!

ANNOUNCER:

Safe as any garden vegetable! Pleasant tasting! Trial size Ennds only forty-nine cents at drug counters everywhere. Larger sizes even more economical.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... WITH A HINT OF "STREET SCENE"

JANE:

(NARRATES) Walter Winchell, beware. Ed Sullivan, watch out! Sidney Skolsky, look for a new job. Louis Sobol, save your money. Boys, you're in a lot of trouble. Today Irma Peterson begins her new column for "The West Side Shopper." Oh, yeah, there she is at the kitchen table assorting her first scoops. (TO IRMA) Irma, did you get anything good?

IRMA:

Oh, yes, several items. The Jones baby has measles and Mr. Klotz, the baker, was the first to notice it. So I'm writing it in newspaper style.

JANE:

Newspaper style?

IRMA:

Yes. "Klotz Spots Tot's Dots"! ...

JANE:

"Klotz Spots Tot's Dots"? Honey, why don't you jump out that window and land on that cab so you can write "Whack's Back Smacks Hack"? ... What other items did you pick up?

IRMA:

Well, I thought I'd write something about the big fire this morning.

JANE:

Well, now you're talking! A five-alarm fire, that's news. What did you write?

IRMA:

Uh-- (READS) "There was a fire on Seventy-Fourth Street. I watched it from the restaurant across the way. Their prices are very reasonable. Hash is only thirty-five cents." ...

JANE:

Is that all you wrote?

IRMA:

Well, that's all I ate! ...

JANE:

Irma Peterson, for some crazy reason, I told Mr. Fletcher of "The West Side Shopper" that you'd have a column ready by six o'clock. If this is all the stuff you've collected, I better call him right now and tell him to pad the obituary column with undertaker jokes.

IRMA:

Oh, no, Jane, please don't. I'm going out for more news and I won't have as much trouble now.

JANE:

What do you mean?

IRMA:

Well, people didn't believe I was a real newspaper woman, but now I have a press card.

JANE:

You have a press card? Let me see. (BEAT, READS) "Press 'Fifty". Irma, this is 'Fifty-Two.

IRMA:

No, Jane, this used to say "Pants pressed, fifty cents." I tore off the 'pants'! ...

MUSIC:

BRISK BRIDGE

SOUND:

SHOP DOOR OPENS, SHOP BELL RINGS, IRMA'S FOOTSTEPS IN

IRMA:

(CALLS) Mr. Kraus?! Mr. Kraus?! (TO HERSELF) The store's empty and the cash register's open.

SOUND:

THUMPING, OFF

IRMA:

(STARTLED) Oh! (TO HERSELF) What's that noise?

SOUND:

IRMA'S FOOTSTEPS

IRMA:

Oh, it's Mr. Kraus and he's all tied up. There's a handkerchief stuffed in his mouth. (BUSINESSLIKE, TO MR. KRAUS) Mr. Kraus? Mr. Kraus, I'm now a reporter with "The West Side Shopper." Anything new? ...

MUSIC:

BRISK BRIDGE

SOUND:

TRAFFIC BACKGROUND ... VIOLET'S BRISK FOOTSTEPS TO IRMA BEHIND--

VIOLET:

Oh, Irma! Yoo-hoo!

IRMA:

Oh, it's Violet Murphy. Hi, Violet. You're just the person I wanted to see.

VIOLET:

Yeah? Why?

IRMA:

I've become a columnist for "The West Side Shopper" and I need some gossip.

VIOLET:

Well, you certainly came to the right person because I have just joined the Gwissenbees.

IRMA:

The Gwissenbees?

VIOLET:

Yeah! It's our new girls' club.

IRMA:

Well, how do you spell it?

VIOLET:

G-W-S-N-B-M-Y.

IRMA:

G-W-S-N-B-M-Y? Well, what do the letters stand for?

VIOLET:

Girls Who Say No But Mean Yes. ... And believe me, since I've joined this club, I get so much dirt that I could sell my ears to True Confessions magazine. Say, do you remember Penelope's sister? She's practically bald! She had a job in a defense plant, and her hair got caught in a conveyor belt. ...

IRMA:

Oh, my goodness!

VIOLET:

It took them almost six hours to get her out. Of course, she got paid for overtime. ...

IRMA:

Well, wait till I make a note of it.

VIOLET:

(COY) Eh, and naturally you heard the news about me?

IRMA:

What news? Oh! Violet, I didn't notice you're wearing a new engagement ring.

VIOLET:

Yeah. (GIGGLES) How do you like it?

IRMA:

Gee, it's lovely. What an unusual stone. Is that a diamond?

VIOLET:

No, it's granite. My new boyfriend's a tombstone cutter. ... Well, I gotta go, Irma. I'll be looking for your column.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SERGEANT:

Okay, Callahan, book him.

PICKPOCKET:

Sergeant, this is not justice! ... I did not pick that man's pocket!

SERGEANT:

Then how come you had his wallet?

PICKPOCKET:

Well, the bus lurched suddenly and the wallet just flew out of his pocket. ...

SERGEANT:

Oh, sure.

PICKPOCKET:

And while I was stooping down to pick it up, his gold watch twirled right in my hand.

SERGEANT:

Must have been a pretty rough trip. We'll see that you get a smoother one on the way to Sing Sing.

PICKPOCKET:

Sergeant, would you write to the warden up there and ask him to assign me to the laundry? I'd like to be near my mother. ...

SERGEANT:

Take him away, Callahan.

SOUND:

IRMA'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

IRMA:

Oh, hello, Sergeant Mitchell.

SERGEANT:

Oh, no -- Irma Peterson. You lost again? Well, we'll have one of the boys take you home.

IRMA:

No, Sergeant, I'm not lost. I'm doing a column for "The West Side Shopper" on local gossip.

PROFESSOR:

(OFF, TO MRS. O'REILLY) Well, you're wrong!

O'REILLY:

(OFF) I'm right!

OFFICER:

Sergeant, here are the witnesses in that accident.

PROFESSOR:

(CLOSER, TO MRS. O'REILLY) Yeah, but that truck was coming-- (SEES IRMA, POLITE) Oh, hello, Irma. Sergeant, that truck was making a left-hand turn.

O'REILLY:

It was making a right-hand turn!

PROFESSOR:

Now, how would you know? You were flirting with the truck driver. You started to wink at him, your false eyelashes got stuck together, you couldn't even see what street you were on! ...

AL:

(APPROACHES) Now, wait a minute! I demand my rights!

IRMA:

Oh, Al!

AL:

Chicken! I've been framed!

SERGEANT:

What's the charge, officer?

OFFICER:

Stolen car.

AL:

I didn't steal it. Fell asleep in the back seat.

SERGEANT:

Oh, yeah? How come?

AL:

Well, I was tired after walking around all day looking for a job.

SERGEANT:

You? Looking for a job? Make the charge stealing a car and perjury. ... Take him away.

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS UNDER--

IRMA:

No, no! Not my Al! Oh, Al, I gotta talk to you. Please, officer!

OFFICER:

All right, lady, you can get in the cell with him. I'll give you five minutes.

SOUND:

CELL DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

AL:

Chicken, I didn't do it! You've got to believe me! (BEAT) Why are you looking at me like that?

IRMA:

Al, I'm a columnist, and I must print all the gossip of the neighborhood.

AL:

Well, but do you have to print that I was arrested for car theft?

IRMA:

Well, what could I print?

AL:

Well, couldn't you write that, um--? They had a contest here to see who had the prettiest hands, and mine were so beautiful, they insisted on taking my fingerprints! ...

IRMA:

No, Al, on the top of our newspaper it says, "E pluribus unum." That's French for "the truth or nothing but the truth." ...

AL:

Chicken, if you put my name in your column, we're through.

IRMA:

(ABRUPTLY WAILS IN DESPAIR) ...

OFFICER:

Okay, time's up. Come on, sister.

SOUND:

CELL DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

PROFESSOR:

(SYMPATHETIC) Come here, Irma. We are waiting for you.

O'REILLY:

Don't cry, darling. We know what a choice you have to make. I know what it is to be torn between love and duty.

PROFESSOR:

Mrs. O'Reilly, I don't know who tore you, but whoever zipped you up did an awful job. ... Irma darling-- Irma, here in America, we have something that's called freedom of the press. By freedom of the press is not meant the freedom to print everything we want to, but rather the freedom to print that which is true. Now, this is something you cannot forget even though it may mean hurting someone you love.

IRMA: I understand.

O'REILLY:

Oh, I remember one night, I had a battle with me late husband, Clancy. Ooh, it was a beaut! We destroyed more crockery than the San Francisco earthquake. ... Well, the police come with a reporter, so I told the reporter that Clancy and me was just dancing the rhumba.

PROFESSOR:

Did the reporter swallow that?

O'REILLY:

No, because the reporter said it was the first time he'd seen the rhumba danced where the woman kept her foot on her partner's face. ... And you, too, Irma, must learn to recognize the truth.

IRMA:

Well, I've made up my mind. I'm going to print the truth about Al, even though I know it'll make me an old maid.

O'REILLY:

Forget Al. Just as long as what you do is a credit to journalism.

IRMA:

Well, maybe I don't need Al, but on cold nights, it's gonna take an awful lot of newspapers to keep me warm. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

JANE:

Come on, honey. Come on, cheer up. This is your big day. What time does your paper come out?

IRMA:

In a couple of hours.

JANE:

You satisfied with the column you turned in? I didn't get the chance to read it.

IRMA:

Well, I may have misspelled a couple of words. How many K's in success? ...

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

JANE:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Yes. -- No, Mr. Fletcher, no. This is Miss Stacy. -- Tell Irma what? -- You took the item about Al out of her column because the man who stole it confessed?

IRMA:

Isn't that wonderful? Now I still have the man I love and I'm a success!

JANE:

(INTO PHONE) What? (TO IRMA) Er, Irma, Irma -- hold the success story. (INTO PHONE) What, Mr. Fletcher? -- You're afraid you'll be sued by Mr. Schultz? Just a minute. (TO IRMA) Irma, what did you write about Schultz, the butcher?

IRMA:

Well, he just got married, so I asked him how he met his wife.

JANE:

Yes?

IRMA:

He said he was standing on the corner when a heavyset woman came toward him. He looked at her -- it was pure fate.

JANE:

You know what you wrote? That he was standing on the corner when this heavyset woman came toward him; he looked at her -- it was pure fat! ...

IRMA:

(WAILS IN DESPAIR)

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Back to Irma and Jane in a moment. But first, remember that scientific odor test that proved Ennds stop "Triple-O" -- stop odors of breath, odors of body, and odor offense -- for over eight out of ten people? Well, these amazing results were substantiated the other day at the annual meeting of a national scientific group. A leading medical authority stated--

AUTHORITY:

(SLIGHT ECHO) And for our test, I selected the chlorophyll tablets known as Ennds. Our tests included executives, office workers, and factory workers, too. General odor of body and breath were most successfully treated.

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, after hundreds and hundreds of examinations, science proved Ennds effective. Just one or two tiny Ennds chlorophyll tablets daily actually do stop "Triple-O" because Ennds contain one hundred milligrams -- a fully effective dose -- of daritol chlorophyll.

VOICE:

(FILTER) Beware of cheaper chewing gum and candy substitutes that contain so little chlorophyll or that do not state their chlorophyll content on the label.

ANNOUNCER:

Ennds work inside your body, where odors start; keep you fresh as a daisy all over, all day long.

VOICE: (HEAVY ECHO) Ennds stop "Triple-O"!

ANNOUNCER:

Stop all three odor offenses. Give more complete, more lasting protection than any old-fashioned body deodorant, soap, mouthwash, or toothpaste can possibly give you. Insist on Ennds to stop "Triple-O." Pleasant tasting Ennds are easy to use, too.

VOICE:

(HEAVY ECHO) And safe!

ANNOUNCER:

Safe as any garden vegetable. That's E-N-N-D-S. Ennds Chlorophyll Tablets. Trial size only forty-nine cents at drug counters everywhere. Larger sizes even more economical.

MUSIC:

"STREET SCENE" BUMPER

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, Irma's column came out in the paper. I don't think it was read by many people, because the obituary column is back this week. I don't know, maybe there's something about the way she writes, makes you wish you were dead. But Irma doesn't care. She has her Al again to keep her warm. There they are on the couch. Listen.

AL:

You know, Chicken-Wicken, when we get married, we'll have a four-room house -- a living room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a nursery.

IRMA:

A nursery! Oh, that's wonderful. I always wanted a place to grow plants. ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) You know, I grow plants, too. That's right. Bloomin' Idiot. ... Name of variety? My Friend Irma.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Here's an important message for MY FRIEND IRMA in the person of Marie Wilson, from Basil O'Connor, president of the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis. Mr. O'Connor.

O'CONNOR:

In this year, when we are still reeling from the staggering blows of recent polio epidemics, we've known that only extraordinary measures -- only greater giving to the March of Dimes -- could put the fight against this disease back on its feet. I have many thoughts about what you have done for this humanitarian cause, Miss Wilson. By your offer of your secretarial services to the highest March of Dimes bidder, you've made a most unusual contribution. It's resulted in a gift of five thousand dollars to the March of Dimes through the Fort Worth, Texas chapter of the National Foundation. And, above all, I think it's been a lot of fun for everybody. So may I just say, Miss Wilson, a very simple and a very sincere "thank you" to you and your colleagues at the CBS radio program MY FRIEND IRMA. I think you know, though, that the real "thank you" comes not only from me and the National Foundation, but from the children, the victims of infantile
paralysis, who'll be helped toward recovery by what you have done. And so, for them, thank you, Miss Marie Wilson.

WILSON:

Thank you, Mr. O'Connor. I was real happy to have the opportunity to help with the wonderful work done by the March of Dimes and-- Gee, I - I hope everybody will continue to give their wholehearted support to this very great cause.

SOUND: APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

UPBEAT ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

MY FRIEND IRMA is a Cy Howard production and is directed by Parke Levy, who writes the script with Stanley Adams. Pat Burton is associate producer. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. The part of Al was played by John Brown; Hans Conried was heard as Professor Kropotkin; Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly. Music was under the direction of Lud Gluskin.

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MUSIC:

UPBEAT ... THEN IN BG TILL END

ANNOUNCER:

Be with us next Sunday at this time when Ennds -- America's most popular chlorophyll tablets -- again bring you MY FRIEND IRMA. Carl Caruso speaking.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Now stay tuned for OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, which follows immediately on most of these same CBS stations.

CBS ANNCR:

MY FRIEND IRMA was transcribed. This is the CBS Radio Network.