Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Lux Radio Theater
Show: The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer
Date: Jun 13 1949

CAST:

The Lux Team:
ANNOUNCER, John Milton Kennedy
WILLIAM KEIGHLEY, your host
SUZI CRANDALL, intermission guest
LIBBY COLLINS, Hollywood reporter
ESTHER WILLIAMS, movie star, pin shill
SINGER, who sings about Lux Flakes

The Leads:
RICHARD "DICK" NUGENT, the swinging bachelor (CARY GRANT)
SUSAN TURNER, the teenaged bobby-soxer (SHIRLEY TEMPLE)
JUDGE MARGARET TURNER, Susan's older sister
TOMMY CHAMBERLAIN, Assistant District Attorney, Margaret's square boyfriend
DR. MATT BEEMISH, court psychiatrist, the sisters' uncle

The Supporting Characters:
WALTERS, Dick's long-suffering lawyer
AGNES, nightclub entertainer
FLORENCE, Agnes' rival
JERRY, Susan's classmate
MITTWICK, high school principal
MELVIN, the jailer, not as dumb as he sounds
TREADWELL, another judge
THADDEUS, yet another judge, the sisters' grumpy, uptight grand-uncle
COACH
GINGER, the sexy cigarette girl (2 lines)
ALEX, the headwaiter

The Airport Team:
PORTER (2 lines)
OFFICER
VOICE, on public address system (1 line)
STEWARDESS
PASSENGER (1 line)

Also, various CROWDS of HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS, BASKETBALL GAME ATTENDEES, PICNIC ATTENDEES

ANNOUNCER:

Lux presents Hollywood!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap, bring you THE LUX RADIO THEATRE, starring Cary Grant and Shirley Temple in "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer." Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keighley!

MUSIC:

THEME ... UP AND OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

KEIGHLEY:

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, we welcome back to THE LUX RADIO THEATRE a man whom I consider one of America's truly great screen stars, Cary Grant. With Cary is a young lady who long ago captured the heart of America and has held it ever since, Shirley Temple. Together, they bring us RKO's sparkling romantic comedy "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer," with Cary as the gay man-about-town and Shirley as the adoring bobby-soxer -- the same delightful performances that made the picture a hit.

You know, the bobby-soxer has introduced some fascinating additions to the American language and mode of dress, but I understand she's still old-fashioned enough to want a lovely Lux complexion. So she takes a lesson from her mother, and the screen stars, and lets Lux Toilet Soap help out on the beauty front.

Now I'd like to have you meet "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer," starring Cary Grant as Richard Nugent and Shirley Temple as Susan, with Frances Robinson as Margaret.

MUSIC:

FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG, OUT GENTLY AT [X]

KEIGHLEY:

Years ago, a sympathetic neighbor described the Turner girls as "those poor little lonely orphans." Since then, the neighbor's changed her mind. True, the Turner girls are still orphans, but they don't need anybody's sympathy. There's Susan, the bobby-soxer -- seventeen years old, editor of the high school paper, and swamped with boyfriends -- and then there's Margaret; Margaret, the lady lawyer, who is now Judge Turner, presiding in dignity over the city's municipal court. Right now, the Turner girls are at breakfast. [X]

SOUND:

CLATTER OF BREAKFAST DISHES AND UTENSILS

SUSAN:

(EAGER) So it's very important that I know, Margaret.

MARGARET:

Know what?

SUSAN:

That case in court -- the man who ran away with the sixteen-year-old girl. What kind of a sentence did you give him?

MARGARET:

Three years.

SUSAN:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, fine. That cost me two dollars. I always bet that you won't sentence people.

MARGARET:

(ANNOYED) If you'd spend a little more time on geometry and less on--

SUSAN:

(HAUGHTY) I don't consider geometry a part of life.

MARGARET:

Well, your teacher does. You're the first student he's ever had who defined a triangle as two women crazy over one man.

SUSAN:

Mr. Roberts is definitely decadent. [pronounced dek-AY'-dent] (ABRUPTLY SWEET) Uh, Margaret dear--

MARGARET:

(RESIGNED) How much this time?

SUSAN:

Only two dollars.

MARGARET:

(POINTED) But no more betting.

SUSAN:

(GENUINE) No, Margaret. And thank you very much. I often wonder why you're so good to me.

MARGARET:

(WRY) Well, you know I'd die for you -- only sometimes it's very hard living with you.

SUSAN:

Who comes up in court this morning?

MARGARET:

Oh, nothing very exciting. Some people mixed up in a nightclub brawl. When Tommy Chamberlain phoned me about it this morning--

SUSAN:

Are you going to marry Tommy? After all, he's the Assistant District Attorney and I think that--

SOUND:

HONK! OF TRICK AUTOMOBILE HORN, OFF

SUSAN:

The call of the wild. I've gotta go.

MARGARET:

Who's calling for you this morning?

SUSAN:

(MOVING OFF) Sounds like Jerry.

MARGARET:

But you haven't eaten your breakfast!

SUSAN:

(OFF, QUICKLY) I'll take the two dollars out of your purse, Margaret. Bye!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MARGARET:

All right, Mr. Chamberlain. If you'll tell the court just what Richard Nugent did.

TOMMY:

Well, Your Honor, the police picked him up in the Vampire nightclub, a riot call. Nugent was at the bottom of all the trouble.

MARGARET:

(STERN) Which of you is Richard Nugent?

WALTERS:

Mr. Nugent isn't here, Your Honor. I am his attorney.

MARGARET:

(SURPRISED) Not here?

WALTERS:

(UNEASY) He, uh, he's out on bail.

MARGARET:

(COLD) Well, if Mr. Nugent doesn't show up within the next sixty seconds, I'll issue a bench warrant for his arrest. Meanwhile, I'd like to hear from the witnesses. Your name, miss?

AGNES:

Miss Agnes Prescott. I'm an entertainer at the Vampire Club.

FLORENCE:

(DERISIVE SNORT) Huh!

AGNES:

(IGNORES FLORENCE) I have known Mr. Nugent for some time. He's an artist so he paints lovely pictures. He once painted me.

FLORENCE:

He painted me, too!

AGNES:

Well, last night, as Mr. Nugent and I was having a few words at his table, we was accosted by this here -- lady. Harsh words was exchanged and Mr. Nugent came to my rescue.

FLORENCE:

(ANGRY) I knew him first! You're the one who was buttin' in!

MARGARET:

Ladies, please!

TOMMY:

Your Honor?

MARGARET:

Yes, Mr. Chamberlain?

TOMMY:

This is the third occasion in which Richard Nugent has been involved in a public disturbance and I would suggest--

WALTERS:

Your Honor, I see that my client has just arrived.

DICK:

Good morning, Walters!

WALTERS:

Good morning.

DICK:

Oh, good morning, Agnes, Florence.

AGNES:

Hi, Dickie.

FLORENCE:

Good morning, Dickie.

MARGARET:

You're Richard Nugent?

DICK:

(SURPRISED TO SEE A FEMALE JUDGE) Uh-- Oh, Your Honor? (IMPRESSED) Hmmm, I'm frankly and honestly delighted.

MARGARET:

(EMBARRASSED CHUCKLE, IRONIC) Is it all right if we go ahead now?

DICK:

I'm terribly sorry, but I--

MARGARET:

Yes. Mr. Nugent, this court works on schedule. Nine o'clock means nine o'clock.

DICK:

(CHASTENED) Yes, sir. I mean -- yes, Your Honor.

MARGARET:

You were at the Vampire Club last night?

DICK:

Yes, yes, I was. I'm doing a series of paintings on Americana, and I'm including a night club scene.

MARGARET:

Creating a night club scene would seem more appropriate. Well, how did the fight start?

DICK:

Well-- (NERVOUSLY CHUCKLES) Agnes had finished her spot. That's a theatrical term, Your Honor. It means her performance, her act.

MARGARET:

(SARCASTIC) Thank you.

DICK:

Well, we were having a drink when Florence -- that's Florence over there.

MARGARET:

We've met.

DICK:

Oh. Well, she came over to the table.

FLORENCE:

Yeah, and this cut-rate canary apparently resented my appearance. Well, naturally, my escort was very much--

MARGARET:

I prefer to hear Mr. Nugent's version.

DICK:

(CHUCKLES, FLATTERED) Thank you. Well, Florence's escort Joey appeared. He objected to Florence coming to my table. One thing led to another. Joey slapped Florence, and, uh, I slapped Joey.

FLORENCE:

He was only defending American womanhood, Your Honor.

AGNES:

(DERISIVE) Get that dame! ...

DICK:

(CHUCKLES) Well, uh, anyway, Agnes scratched Florence, and Florence scratched Agnes, and, uh-- Well, anyone who says he remembers a fight punch for punch is lying. I don't remember.

TOMMY:

Your Honor, the District Attorney's office would like this man held over for trial.

MARGARET:

Oh, I see no reason for that, Mr. Chamberlain. Obviously, it was a fight in which everyone participated. Everyone is equally guilty or innocent. (TO THE GROUP) I suggest that you all go home now and be a little less emotional in the future.

DICK:

(PLEASED) Thank you, Your Honor.

MARGARET:

Oh, one moment. You just got here. Don't you like our court?

DICK:

Oh, I like it fine. Only I'm due to give a lecture this morning.

MARGARET:

Really? What are you lecturing on?

DICK:

"America, as an artist sees it."

MARGARET:

Just remember, Mr. Nugent, if you're brought before this court again, you won't be dealt with so leniently. Case dismissed.

DICK:

Uh, Your Honor--?

WALTERS:

(LOW, TO DICK) For heaven's sake, don't press your luck. And telling her you're going to deliver a lecture!

DICK:

But I am.

WALTERS:

Where?

DICK:

A bunch o' kids at the high school. (MOVING OFF) Much obliged, Walters.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

BUZZ OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS

SUSAN:

I wish we didn't have to sit here, Jerry. I hate lectures.

JERRY:

Me, too. But what about Saturday night? You promised, Susan.

SUSAN:

(ARCH) "Promises are the hollow shells of undone deeds."

JERRY:

Oh, for gosh sakes.

SUSAN:

(A TEENAGER'S ATTEMPT AT ADULT SOPHISTICATION) You're a nice boy, Jerry, but you're callow.

JERRY:

Huh! The only reason I'm not good enough for you is because you're looking for a-- For a knight in shining armor, that's what. I'm competing with something medieval. On a horse.

SUSAN:

Oh, don't be a stoop. And please be quiet. Mr. Mittwick's coming out on the stage.

SOUND:

STUDENTS QUIET BEHIND--

MITTWICK:

(POMPOUS) Students, our school is honored in having as guest lecturer a famous artist who will speak to us about the classical traditions of painting. I know you will express your enthusiasm for his appearance here today; and so without further ado -- Mr. Richard Nugent.

SOUND:

VERY LIGHT APPLAUSE BY STUDENTS

MITTWICK:

This way, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Uh, thank you, thank you.

SOUND:

FEMALE STUDENTS APPLAUD LOUDER AND ADD CHEERS AND WOLF WHISTLES AS THEY GLIMPSE DICK

MITTWICK:

(ADMONISHES) Students! Students, please!

SUSAN:

Oh, gosh! Is he handsome!

JERRY:

(GLUM) Oh, I suppose so. For an older man.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE OUT BEHIND--

DICK:

Mr. Mittwick, students -- thank you. You know, a lot of people think of art as something pretty stuffy. (CLEARS THROAT) I beg your pardon. Don't let 'em kid you! True art has something to say to everyone. It unites the masses in every age, in every country. And the essence of art is simplicity. Now, for instance, if I wanted to capture the feeling of America today, I'd try to--

MUSIC:

ENTERS DURING ABOVE ... SLIGHTLY PATRIOTIC AND NOBLE ... TO INDICATE PASSAGE OF TIME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

DICK:

And that's about it, my friends. Just remember that art is a part of freedom, of tolerance, of opportunity. And if I were going to do a portrait of one of you, I'd try to convey all that in it. Thank you.

SOUND:

STUDENTS CHEER, WHISTLE AND APPLAUD

SUSAN:

(DAZED, LOVESICK) Just - just look at him, Jerry. Ooooh--

JERRY:

Are you sick or something?

SUSAN:

Keep quiet. He - he's smiling.

SOUND:

STUDENTS' APPLAUSE UP TO FILL A PAUSE ... THEN FADE OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... THEN SUSAN'S RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND STOP BEHIND--

SUSAN:

(CALLS) Mr. Nugent! Mr. Nugent! My name is Susan Turner. I'm a student here.

DICK:

(AMUSED, POLITE) No!

SUSAN:

Yes! I - I loved your speech.

DICK:

Oh, thank you. Well, nice to have met you, Miss Turner.

SUSAN:

(QUICKLY) But I - I have to interview you.

DICK:

(PUZZLED) You what?

SUSAN:

For the high school paper. I'm editor-in-chief. (ADORING) Oh, I'll bet you've had a terribly interesting life.

DICK:

Uhh, not very. Look, could we do this some other time? I have a date.

SUSAN:

A date? Oh, then you're not married?

DICK:

No.

SUSAN:

(RELIEVED) Oh, I knew you weren't. You just couldn't be!

DICK:

(FEIGNS HURT) Oh, I've had some offers. ...

SUSAN:

In here, Mr. Nugent.

SOUND:

CLASSROOM DOOR OPENS

DICK:

(RELUCTANT) Yeah, well, don't you see, I--

SUSAN:

We can talk in here.

SOUND:

CLASSROOM DOOR SHUTS

DICK:

Uh, yes, but-- (GIVES UP) Oh, well.

SUSAN:

Have you ever been married?

DICK:

Uh, no, no.

SUSAN:

Have you ever been in love?

DICK:

Yes, I have. (CURIOUS) Tell me, what kind of paper does this school run? ...

SUSAN:

(REASSURING) Oh, all the students read it.

DICK:

I'll bet they do! ...

SUSAN:

You probably have no idea what an unusual person you are. Now, I'm not unusual at all, I suppose, but I'm really much older than I look.

DICK:

Uh huh.

SUSAN:

And I know what the artistic soul is like and how keenly it can suffer.

DICK:

Oh, really?

SUSAN:

Did you have many ordeals before becoming a success?

DICK:

No, no, as a matter of fact--

SUSAN:

I want you to think of me, not as a newspaper woman, but as a -- as a friend.

DICK:

(REALIZES) Ohhhh! Oh. (CONFIDENTIALLY) Well, in that case, yes, I did suffer. Mm hm. When I was ten, my mother and father had a double suicide pact. They made it. (CHUCKLES INAPPROPRIATELY) ... I was sent to an orphanage. Some days they didn't beat me. Then one night I escaped. I used to steal.

SUSAN:

(BREATHLESS) What did you steal?

DICK:

Crusts of bread. And - and things. Uh huh. ... One day I stole a valise. There were paints and paint brushes inside, so I began to paint.

SUSAN:

Yes?!

DICK:

But they got me. I was sent to a reform school, but I escaped again.

SUSAN:

Go on.

DICK:

I fled to New York. A wealthy society matron saw my work, fell in love with me, and sent me to art school. The rest is, uh, history.

SUSAN:

(ENCHANTED) How wonderful. How terribly wonderful.

DICK:

Yes, well, now, if you'll excuse me, I - I must rest. Goodbye, Miss Winchell.

SUSAN:

Turner -- Susan Turner. ... Oh, remember what you told us in assembly about painting one of us? Young America and everything?

DICK:

Yes.

SUSAN:

(COY) Well, do you think I'd make a good model, Mr. Nugent?

DICK:

(MOCK DISBELIEF) Oh, you're not thinking of quitting the newspaper game?

SUSAN:

Well, my family wants me to go into law, but my attitude is that one female judge in the family is enough.

DICK:

Uh-- (CLEARS THROAT, REALIZES) Did you say your name's Turner?

SUSAN:

That's right. My sister's Judge Margaret Turner.

DICK:

(FULL RETREAT) Uh huh. Well, nice to have met the family! Goodbye! ...

SUSAN:

But what about my posing?

DICK:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, sure, sure, you'd make a good model -- sometime! 'Bye now!

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN ... ROMANTIC AND NOBLE

SUSAN:

(IMPRESSED, TO HERSELF) Like a knight. Like a knight, striding away. In shining armor.

MUSIC:

UP FOR A BRIEF BRIDGE ... THEN OUT

MARGARET:

(WITH CONTEMPT) Well, Susan, what else did this "knight in shining armor" have to say?

SUSAN:

Oh, I don't know, but he's wonderful, Margaret. He's had to lie and cheat and steal to get somewhere in life.

MARGARET:

(SARCASTIC) Mm, well, that makes everything just dandy. What's the name of this Sir Galahad?

SUSAN:

(DREAMY) Richard. Richard Nugent.

MARGARET:

(HORRIFIED) Richard Nugent?!

SUSAN:

(PLEASED) Well, then you've heard of him?

MARGARET:

Heard of him! Why, just this morning--

SUSAN:

Margaret -- have you ever thought of me as a model? Dickie wants me to pose for him.

MARGARET:

Well, isn't that nice-- Dickie! ...

SUSAN:

Now, now, don't be unreasonable. He's a very fine man. You don't know him at all.

MARGARET:

I know enough to advise you to forget all about him -- right now!

SUSAN:

(DEFIANT) Well, I don't need your advice. You're gonna make me an old maid!

MARGARET:

Only until you're eighteen. ... Susan, where are you going?

SUSAN:

(UNHAPPY) Upstairs. Well, you're going out for dinner, aren't you?

MARGARET:

Well, Mr. Chamberlain hasn't called for me yet and-- And there's no reason for you to--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

SUSAN:

(SULKY) He's here now, Margaret. Have a good time.

MARGARET:

Susan, wait. (BEAT) You are all right, aren't you?

SUSAN:

(UNCONVINCING) Oh, I'm fine. Just fine.

MARGARET:

Good. I'll be home early, dear.

MUSIC:

BRISK BRIDGE

MARGARET:

We simply must calm down, Tommy. We'll never find Susan carrying on like this.

TOMMY:

Now-now-now, Margaret, I'll handle everything. Just when did the cook discover that she wasn't in the house?

MARGARET:

About an hour after we left. She went to call her for dinner and she wasn't in her room. Did you check the hospital?

TOMMY:

And the airport, railroad station and bus terminal.

MARGARET:

Oh, Tommy, if anything's happened to Susan, I'll never forgive myself. Oh, I never should have quarreled with her.

TOMMY:

You quarreled with her?

MARGARET:

I told her she couldn't pose for Richard Nugent.

TOMMY:

Nugent?!

MARGARET:

And she said she didn't need my advice, that she--

TOMMY:

Nugent?! For heaven's sakes, Margaret -- why didn't you mention Nugent before? Give me that phone!

MARGARET:

Oh, no! Oh, no, you can't mean that she--?! Oh, no!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CELL DOOR UNLOCKS AND OPENS

MELVIN:

There's Nugent, Mr. Walters. And, believe me, if a client ever needed a lawyer--

SOUND:

CELL DOOR SHUTS BEHIND--

WALTERS:

All right, Dick, tell me exactly what happened.

DICK:

(AGITATED) Where were you last night when they finally let me use the telephone? Where were you?

WALTERS:

I had not anticipated your winding up in jail so soon after the last time.

DICK:

Mmmm.

WALTERS:

I have a life of my own, you know. Well, let's have the facts.

DICK:

Good. Well, I got home to my apartment last night -- that much I know. And this girl was there. At least, I think she was there. Well, I guess she was; I don't know.

WALTERS:

Judge Turner's sister?

DICK:

That's the one. The young one.

WALTERS:

How young?

DICK:

Too young. ...

WALTERS:

Er, how did she get in your apartment?

DICK:

He let her in, the elevator boy; she told him she was posing for me.

WALTERS:

Nugent, why don't you tell me the truth?

DICK:

(EARNEST) I am telling you the truth. Now, will you be quiet for a moment? That's what happened last night. Nobody would listen to me.

WALTERS:

Go on.

DICK:

All right, thank you. I got home to my apartment, I took off my dinner coat, put on a robe -- wanted to be comfortable -- came inside, turned on the radio, opened a book, sat down to read the book, when up popped this little girl. She'd been asleep on the sofa!

WALTERS:

(SKEPTICAL) Judge Turner's sister? Go on.

DICK:

Before I can open my mouth, there's a banging on the door. Everybody yelling. Somebody busts in. Everybody starts talking at once. Then about fifty policemen--

WALTERS:

Did the girl explain why she was there?

DICK:

Yes. Yes. Well, she tried to explain, but they wouldn't really let her explain. She kept trying to say she'd come up there to be a model or something.

WALTERS:

Did you or did you not invite Judge Turner's sister to be a model?

DICK:

No! Well, in a round-about way, maybe I did. She kept saying I told her I was going to paint her as Young America!

WALTERS:

Did you tell her that?

DICK:

Oh, I told that to five hundred little girls.

WALTERS:

Let's not go into that. ...

DICK:

Oh, no, no.

WALTERS:

You're also charged with hitting the Assistant District Attorney, Mr. Chamberlain.

DICK:

Yes, I hit him. That's right. But at the time I hit him I did not know he was the Assistant District Attorney. ... If I had known he was the Assistant District Attorney-- (INHALES) I would have hit him. ... He said some very bad things. Wouldn't give me a chance to explain. Kept pulling my arm. And that sister of hers--!

WALTERS:

She was there, too? Judge Turner?

DICK:

She's a mountain of ice, a gallon of poison jumping to conclusions!

WALTERS:

Now, control yourself, Nugent. You've got to remember coherently exactly what happened.

DICK:

Oh, sure, sure.

WALTERS:

You talk like this in front of a jury, you'll get twenty years. Well, I'd better get to work.

SOUND:

CELL DOOR UNLOCKS AND OPENS

DICK:

(TO HIMSELF) Coherently - exactly - coherently - exactly.

MELVIN:

You've got another visitor, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Oh, yeah?

MELVIN:

This here is Dr. Beemish.

BEEMISH:

I'm the court psychiatrist, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

(SARCASTIC) Yeah, well, come back in an hour. I'll be crazy by then. ...

BEEMISH:

Well, I'm really here to help you. Now, the only thing you're suffering from is a severe case of being an innocent bystander.

DICK:

Tell me, what can they do to me if I kill a judge?

BEEMISH:

I understand how you feel. I'm aware that Judge Turner appears to be a very dominant woman. She happens to be my niece.

DICK:

Your niece? Fine, fine, the whole family--

MELVIN:

Judge Turner is ready for you, Doctor.

BEEMISH:

(TO MELVIN) Oh, thank you, Melvin. (TO DICK) Well, now, you just leave things in my hands, Mr. Nugent. I have a plan. I dare say you'll be surprised at the results.

DICK:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Dare say--

BEEMISH:

(MOVING OFF) Yes, sir. You just wait and see.

DICK:

(TO HIMSELF) Coherently - exactly -

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

BEEMISH:

So I just talked with him, Margaret. He seems like quite a nice fellow.

MARGARET:

Are you sure you were talking to the right man, Uncle Matt?

BEEMISH:

Why, certainly. About six feet, broad shoulders, blue eyes--

MARGARET:

Mr. Nugent has brown eyes.

BEEMISH:

(PLEASED THAT SHE NOTICED) Ohhhhh?

MARGARET:

Well, it isn't my case. It's Judge Treadwell's.

BEEMISH:

Well, I - I hope Treadwell doesn't go too far. Susan's in love with Nugent, or thinks she is. And if they send him to prison on her account--

MARGARET:

Which is where he belongs.

BEEMISH:

--it will martyr him in Susan's eyes. And I guarantee the results will be tragic.

MARGARET:

Oh, that's absurd! You just don't understand Susan. She's very level-headed. She's far above that sort of silliness.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MELVIN:

I'm sorry to bother you, Judge Turner, but this lady claims to be Nugent's mother.

MARGARET:

Susan! ... Where on earth did you dig up that dress?

BEEMISH:

And that black veil? Widow's weeds!

SUSAN:

I just wanted to talk to him!

MELVIN:

About the steel business, Your Honor. She baked him a sponge cake. This was in it.

BEEMISH:

A hacksaw! ...

MARGARET:

Susan, this is ridiculous.

SUSAN:

I'm in love with him! Don't you realize that? If I lose him, life has no meaning. I love him!

BEEMISH:

(QUIETLY TRIUMPHANT) Well, Your Honor?

MARGARET:

(BEAT) You win, Uncle Matt.

BEEMISH:

Then I suggest you arrange an informal hearing right away.

MUSIC:

QUICK BRIDGE

MARGARET:

(CORDIAL) Well, Judge Treadwell has reviewed the facts, Mr. Nugent. And I have good news.

DICK:

You're going to hang me? ...

MARGARET:

I'm afraid I'm the one who ought to be hanged.

DICK:

(PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Ohhhh. Well, won't I sit down?

MARGARET:

Please do. I believe you've met my uncle, Dr. Beemish.

BEEMISH:

Oh, yes, indeed.

MARGARET:

This is Judge Treadwell.

TREADWELL:

How do you do?

MARGARET:

And you already know Assistant District Attorney Chamberlain.

TOMMY:

(RELUCTANTLY GOOD-NATURED) Nice to see you again, Nugent.

DICK:

Sorry about the misunderstanding.

TOMMY:

Forget it. Just a little temper.

DICK:

That's very generous of you.

MARGARET:

(SIGHS) I'm afraid I lost my temper, too, last night. I hope you'll pardon me.

DICK:

Oh. (CHUCKLES AT THE UNINTENDED PUN)

BIZ:

MARGARET & TOMMY CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY WITH DICK

DICK:

Pardon me, yes. ... (CLEARS THROAT) Well, I guess I'm free to go then, huh? Thank you.

MARGARET:

Just a moment. I'm a little worried about Susan.

DICK:

(SHE SHOULD BE) Mmm, I was a little worried about her myself.

MARGARET:

Yes. Well, it seems she's become quite enamoured of you, Mr. Nugent, and we were wondering if you'd mind helping us by - taking her out.

DICK:

Oh, I'd be glad to. I-- (REALIZES) Taking her out?! Where? Doing what?

MARGARET:

Being her beau until she gets over you. Dr. Beemish says she mustn't feel you're being martyred.

DICK:

Oh, he does, does he? Well, then let Dr. Beemish take her out. Let her get over him. ... (INDIGNANT) I'm not a judge but I'll bet there's no law that says I have to go out with children!

BEEMISH:

Now, now. We were just hoping you'd want to cooperate.

DICK:

Why should I?

TREADWELL:

Because your attitude will have a decided bearing on the disposition of the other charges against you -- if the District Attorney wishes to press them.

DICK:

Press what? All I did was punch him in the nose. ... Oh. All right, all right. Just what do I have to do?

MARGARET:

See Susan as often as we deem proper, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Hm!

MARGARET:

And as soon as your fatal fascination wears off, you're free to go on your way again.

DICK:

Well, what if it doesn't wear off?

MARGARET:

Oh, it will.

DICK:

(WOUNDED) Uh-- Oh. (CHUCKLES) ...

MARGARET:

Mr. Nugent, I'm doing this against my better judgment. I would just as soon my sister were going out with -- an actor.

DICK:

(WOUNDED AGAIN) Uh-- Ah, ah--

BEEMISH:

(TACTFUL) Uh, Judge Turner simply means that I've recommended you as a vital therapeutic measure.

DICK:

Oh, that's great. Recommended for children!

MARGARET:

Well, Mr. Nugent -- yes or no?

DICK:

Well, I still want to know what I've got to do.

MARGARET:

You'll start tonight. You'll take Susan to the high school basketball game.

DICK:

Me?! Take Susan to a high school basket--?! What, in front of people?! ...

TOMMY:

Well, Mr. Nugent?

DICK:

Aw, it's a date.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

KEIGHLEY:

In a few moments, we'll bring you Act Two of "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer." Our guest tonight is Miss Suzi Crandall, popular contract player at RKO. I understand your studio regards you as a real trouper, Suzi -- an actress who puts her best into every role.

SUZI:

(WOODEN BUT GAME) I consider that a real compliment, Mr. Keighley. It's when you're on location that you learn what trouping means. I'm thinking especially of the stars of RKO's new picture, "The Big Steal."

KEIGHLEY:

Oh, yes -- Robert Mitchum and Jane Greer. The picture was filmed in Mexico, wasn't it?

SUZI:

Yes, in the rugged mountain country between Vera Cruz and Mexico City. The story is full of thrilling action; it's all about a border gang and the theft of a U.S. Army payroll.

KEIGHLEY:

That's primitive country down there. All the supplies would have to be brought in.

SUZI:

Oh, yes, but the cast got along fine with the natives. They gave them American cigarettes and clothing. Some of the local belles worked in "The Big Steal," you know. And Jane Greer made a big hit with them all right. Can you guess how, Mr. Kennedy?

ANNOUNCER:

Well, of course. Jane must have brought along a supply of a certain beauty soap.

SUZI:

Right, Mr. Kennedy. She told me the local girls were just entranced with her gifts of Lux Toilet Soap.

ANNOUNCER:

Why, naturally, Suzi. Lux Toilet Soap is a winner wherever it's used. Besides, when they saw Jane's lovely Lux complexion, they had proof of what daily Lux Soap care can do.

SUZI:

Yes, and a more beautiful complexion than Jane Greer's I can't imagine. Well, here in Hollywood, we know Lux Soap is a complexion care that works.

ANNOUNCER:

Thank you, Miss Suzi Crandall. Regular care with this fragrant white soap really does make skin softer, smoother. Skin specialists have proved it. In recent tests, three out of four complexions became lovelier in a short time. Why not try this fine product of Lever Brothers Company for your precious complexion? Remember, Lux Toilet Soap is the chosen beauty care of nine out of ten famous screen stars. (BEAT) Now, our producer, Mr. William Keighley.

KEIGHLEY:

Act Two of "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer," starring Cary Grant as Richard Nugent and Shirley Temple as Susan.

MUSIC:

FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG, OUT GENTLY AT [X]

KEIGHLEY:

Richard Nugent is innocent as the driven snow, but the fact that he's not in jail is due only to his anguished assent to become Susan's beau until she wearies of him. Susan, of course, knows nothing of this arrangement. Susan's in love -- now more than ever, as she and Mr. Nugent watch the high school basketball game. [X]

SOUND:

BASKETBALL GAME BACKGROUND ... CROWD, PLAYERS ON COURT, ET CETERA

MITTWICK:

Oh, good evening, Susan.

SUSAN:

Good evening! (LOW) That's Mr. Mittwick, Dickie, the principal.

DICK:

Uh huh.

MITTWICK:

Geometry getting straightened out, Susan?

SUSAN:

Oh, yes, Mr. Mittwick.

MITTWICK:

And who's this young man?

DICK:

Oh, I'm just--

MITTWICK:

Ah, you must be a new boy! ... Well, we'll probably be running into each other.

DICK:

(INDIGNANT) I gave a lecture here on art.

MITTWICK:

Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course. Miss Beagle's pupil! (MOVING OFF) Excellent teacher. ...

DICK:

Isn't that amazing?

SUSAN:

Yeah, we had a much better team last season. Our new center needs more experience.

DICK:

Oh, at least.

SUSAN:

His name's Jerry. He used to be a sort of -- sort of a boyfriend of mine.

DICK:

What? You mean that fine-looking young man who smiled at you before? Number Seven?

SUSAN:

(MERRY LAUGH) Oh, but he's just a child. You needn't be so jealous, Richard.

DICK:

Oh, it looks like they're taking him out of the game. Oh, but he's a fine figure of a man, Susan. I'd certainly like to meet that Number Seven.

SUSAN:

That can be arranged. (SHARP WHISTLE)

JERRY:

Hiya, Susan.

DICK:

(HEARTILY) Well, that's a great game you're playing, Mr., uh--?

SUSAN:

(FORMAL INTRODUCTION) Jerry White, Mr. Richard Nugent.

DICK:

How do you do?

JERRY:

Usually my game is much better, Mr. Nugent, but lately I got personal troubles.

SUSAN:

(HAUGHTY) It's too bad that when schools depend on their athletes, that certain athletes are selfishly concerned with their own problems instead of beating Peeby High.

DICK:

Well, uh, look, Mr. White, how about joining us for a drink-- (CATCHES HIMSELF) I mean, for a soda, after the game? ...

JERRY:

(PLEASED) Do you really mean that?

DICK:

Certainly.

JERRY:

Gee, I'll say. Thanks, Mr. Nugent. (MOVING OFF) See ya, Susie.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

SOUND:

SODA SHOP BACKGROUND ... GLASSES, DISHES, UTENSILS, ET CETERA

DICK:

And I thought you were splendid tonight, Jerry -- splendid!

SUSAN:

No, he wasn't.

DICK:

Yes, he was!

JERRY:

No, I wasn't! ...

SUSAN:

Say, Jerry, aren't you supposed to be in training? Just look at that -- a double Sweetheart Flip!

JERRY:

(SOLEMN) Sometimes a man just doesn't care. ... Well, I may as well level with you, Mr. Nugent. When I saw you tonight, my first instinct was to take a poke at you!

SUSAN:

(SHOCKED) Jerry!

JERRY:

Then I said to myself -- let's be civilized. This is life, and if Susan feels that way, it's all right with me.

SUSAN:

That's big of you, Jerry, and very generous. Dickie and I will always treasure your friendship. ...

JERRY:

If I can ever do anything for either one of you -- all you have to do is call me.

SUSAN:

And if we can ever do anything for you, Jerry, all you have to do is ask.

DICK:

(IRONIC) Oh, sure, get in touch, call me up, you know. ... Make contact, yeah.

SUSAN:

(DRAMATIC) I - I guess it's goodbye, Jerry.

JERRY:

I guess it is.

DICK:

Yeah, I guess it is. Well, so long, old man. ...

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN AUTO ENGINE ... CAR PULLS TO A STOP AND ENGINE OUT BEHIND FOLLOWING, REPLACED WITH NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND OF CHIRPING CRICKETS, ET CETERA--

SUSAN:

(LOVINGLY) Must you rush right on home, Richard? I mean, can't we just--?

DICK:

Well, as a matter of fact, Susan, I want to talk to you.

SUSAN:

What about, dear?

DICK:

Uh-- ... (UNCOMFORTABLE) Susan, it isn't becoming for you to call me dear. I don't think it's right.

SUSAN:

But why, darling? ...

DICK:

(SERIOUS) Now stop that and listen to me. Now, the basketball game was fun tonight, but it can't go on.

SUSAN:

Yes, I know. The season's over next week. ...

DICK:

No, no, no. I mean the whole thing can't go on! Everybody's getting the crazy idea that you're in love with me.

SUSAN:

(DEVILISH) I am. ...

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS, IN BG

DICK:

Susan, look at me! Look. I wouldn't say this to many people, but I'm old enough to be your father.

SUSAN:

You're so right, dear. ...

DICK:

Well, you've got to realize that this-this-this isn't proper for either of us.

SUSAN:

You're so right, dear.

DICK:

Well, it's not only going to--

SOUND:

DICK TRIPS OVER STEP

DICK:

Whoop!

SUSAN:

Porch step.

DICK:

Oh, thanks, thanks. Well, it's not only going to embarrass me, but it's going to embarrass you, too. Susan, you're not paying any attention to me.

SUSAN:

(SLY) You're so right, dear.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

MARGARET:

Well, good evening, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Oh. Oh, well, good evening.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR SHUTS BEHIND--

SUSAN:

Oh, that's a new dress!

MARGARET:

Like it?

SUSAN:

Oh, it's beautiful, Margaret! Too bad you had to go to that dreary party tonight with Mr. Chamberlain.

MARGARET:

Oh, it was a very nice party. (CHANGES SUBJECT) Did you enjoy yourself?

SUSAN:

Oh, we had a simply sensational time!

MARGARET:

Well, you'd better turn in now. School tomorrow, you know.

SUSAN:

Yes, I know. (LOVINGLY) Good night, Dickie! I - I'll just blow you a kiss.

DICK:

Oh. Oh. Oh, thanks. Thanks! ...

SUSAN:

(MOVING OFF) Happy dreams.

DICK:

Hmm.

MARGARET:

She's still in a daze, isn't she? I don't know why.

DICK:

(CHUCKLES, SMOOTH) You know, uh, that is a beautiful dress -- and you look wonderful in it.

MARGARET:

Thank you. You said that gracefully -- perhaps as the result of practice.

DICK:

(GENTLE) You said that ungraciously -- perhaps as the result of practice?

MARGARET:

(SIGHS) I had that coming.

DICK:

Uh huh. You got a moment?

MARGARET:

Yes.

DICK:

You know, Judge Turner, when I was a kid, I had a habit of reading a lot of books my mother didn't want me to read. One day, I found a book that had a very racy title. Well, I kept on reading it for quite a long time. It was awfully dull. And then suddenly I discovered that my mother had stuck a philosophy book underneath that paper cover with the racy title.

MARGARET:

Well, that's one way of learning philosophy.

DICK:

Yeah. You know what else I learned? Never judge a book by its cover. All is not gold that glitters. Things and people may not be what they appear to be.

MARGARET:

Like you? I sat in judgment on a series of facts, Mr. Nugent, not on your character or biography.

DICK:

Ah, well. (CLEARS THROAT) It's still a beautiful dress and you do look wonderful in it.

MARGARET:

Hm. Well, we'll see you on Saturday, Mr. Nugent. You're going to take Susan to the picnic.

DICK:

Picnic?!

MARGARET:

The Parent Teachers Association's annual picnic. ...

DICK:

Picnic. (CHUCKLES GOOD-NATUREDLY) Ah, good night, Your Honor.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

DICK:

Hi, Jerry.

JERRY:

Oh, hello, Mr. Nugent. Going to take Susan to the picnic, huh?

DICK:

Well, you know how it is, old man. Well, what are you doing, sitting here in your car?

JERRY:

I'm not welcome in the house.

DICK:

Well, Susan probably doesn't even know you're out here.

JERRY:

She put me here, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

(UNDERSTANDS) Oh, oh.

JERRY:

It's not her fault, I guess. It's her grand-uncle, Judge Thaddeus. Have you met him yet?

DICK:

What, another uncle? And a judge?

JERRY:

He's going with you to the picnic. Oh, he's something fierce. I walked in; all I said was, "Mellow greetings, ukie-dukie!" [pronounced YOOK-ee DOOK-ee] And he almost blew a fuse.

DICK:

(CHUCKLES) Well, what's wrong with that? Sounds okay to me. (GETS AN IDEA) Uh-- Hey, uh, Jerry -- how'd you like to use my car?

JERRY:

You kiddin'?

DICK:

Why, no. You drive my car to the picnic and let me borrow yours. Uh, does this thing run?

JERRY:

Sure it runs.

DICK:

Well, where's the key?

JERRY:

Who needs a key?

DICK:

Oh. Well. ... Well, here's my key, Jerry.

JERRY:

Jiminy!

DICK:

Yeah. I don't look right, do I, Jerry? I mean, to be taking a girl like Susan to a picnic.

JERRY:

Well, you do look kind of formal, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Yeah, well, look. Perhaps if I roll up the cuffs on my trousers, huh?

JERRY:

Yeah, sure! And take off your tie, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Yeah, yeah. And this hat--

JERRY:

Oh, I'd wear a hat, Mr. Nugent. Only mash it up. Give it the zoot route!

DICK:

Fine!

SOUND:

MASHES UP HAT

DICK:

How's this?

JERRY:

Sharp as a tack! Boy, what a difference!

DICK:

Well, thanks, Jerry. (MOVING OFF) See you at the picnic.

SOUND:

DICK KNOCKS ON FRONT DOOR WITH A HEP RHYTHM ...

THADDEUS:

Answer the door, Margaret! Who is it?

MARGARET:

Just Mr. Nugent, Uncle Thaddeus.

SUSAN:

(OFF) I'll get it!

THADDEUS:

Who the devil's Mr. Nugent?

MARGARET:

(AWKWARD) Oh, he's older. He's come to take Susan to the picnic.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

SUSAN:

(JOYOUS) Dickie!

DICK:

(OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC) Hi! Mellow greetings, ukie-dukie! Ready, voot?! Let's scoot! ...

THADDEUS:

(ENRAGED) What the ding-dang-blasted sort of talk is that?!

MARGARET:

(TAKEN ABACK) Uh, I don't know.

DICK:

(TO SUSAN, A RAPID EXCHANGE) Hey! You remind me of a man!

SUSAN:

What man?

DICK:

The man with the power!

SUSAN:

What power?

DICK:

The power of hoodoo!

SUSAN:

Hoodoo?

DICK:

You do!

SUSAN:

Do what?

DICK:

Remind me of a man!

SUSAN:

What man?

DICK:

The man with the power!

SUSAN:

What power?

DICK:

(GOOFY LAUGH) ...

MARGARET:

Good morning, Mr. Nugent!

DICK:

Oh, gree-tings. Gree-tings.

MARGARET:

(LOW) Are you out of your mind?

DICK:

(LOW) Huh? Huh? What?

MARGARET:

(LOW) What are you trying to do?

DICK:

(LOW) I don't dig you, chick. What are ya talkin' about? ...

THADDEUS:

What are you two whispering about?!

MARGARET:

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Thaddeus.

BEEMISH:

(APPROACHES) How are you, Richard?

DICK:

Hi, Uncle Matt! You going to the picnic, too?!

MARGARET:

(WITH DIGNITY) May I present my great-uncle, Judge Turner?

DICK:

Ohhhhh! Well, how do you do, judge? How do ya dooooooooo?! ...

THADDEUS:

That's my hand, not a pump handle!

DICK:

(LAUGHS) He's sharp! Hey, Uncle Thaddeus! You remind me of a man.

THADDEUS:

What man?

DICK:

The man with the power.

THADDEUS:

What power?

DICK:

The power of hoodoo.

THADDEUS:

Hoodoo?!

DICK:

You do.

THADDEUS:

Do what?!

DICK:

Remind me of a man. (BIG GOOFY LAUGH) ...

THADDEUS:

This isn't a house -- it's a sideshow at a circus!

MARGARET:

(WITH DIGNITY) Mr. Nugent, Judge Turner is an associate justice of the state supreme court.

DICK:

Ah, good for you, junior! That's better than working for a living, huh?! (LAUGHS) ...

BEEMISH:

Where's Tommy Chamberlain, Margaret? Isn't Tommy Chamberlain calling for you?

MARGARET:

Oh, he's meeting us at the picnic, Uncle Matt.

THADDEUS:

Then what's keeping us?

DICK:

Well, everybody ready?! My hot rod's right at the curb!

BEEMISH:

Uh, come on, Uncle Thaddeus, come on.

SOUND:

EVERYBODY'S FOOTSTEPS OUT THE FRONT DOOR WHICH SHUTS DURING FOLLOWING--

THADDEUS:

(THOUGHTFUL) Hmmm. (TO BEEMISH) You remind me of a man.

BEEMISH:

Who do?

THADDEUS:

(UPSET) No, you idiot! I'm supposed to say that! ...

SUSAN:

Dickie! Your car -- it's gone!

MARGARET:

Why, that's Jerry's car out there.

DICK:

Oh. Well, it just looks like Jerry's car.

MARGARET:

Do you mean to say we're going in that wreck?

DICK:

Why not? It's a voot-eight!

THADDEUS:

Voot-eight?!

DICK:

Only eight more payments and it's mine! (LAUGHS)

SOUND:

DICK CLIMBS IN CAR AND STARTS THE NOISY ENGINE

DICK:

Okay, Uncle Thaddeus, toss in your frame!

SOUND:

CAR BACKFIRES

DICK:

Hot vooterenie! [pronounced VOOT-er-EEN-EE]

SOUND:

CAR DRIVES OFF

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CROWD AT PICNIC

COACH:

(OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Ladies and gentlemen, I know you're all waiting for the big event of our annual picnic -- the athletic contests, open to parents and children alike! First event -- the sack race!

TOMMY:

You know, Uncle Matt, I used to be pretty good at these things when I was a kid.

BEEMISH:

Well, what's the matter now? Beneath your dignity as Assistant District Attorney?

DICK:

Or just too old, Chamberlain?

TOMMY:

Too old? All right, I'll enter the race.

DICK:

That's the kind of spirit we want to see.

MARGARET:

How about you, Mr. Nugent?

DICK:

Right after lunch? Me? Don't be silly.

TOMMY:

(LAUGHS) Too old, huh?

DICK:

To run a sack race? Well, there's nothing to it.

SUSAN:

You go right in there, Dickie, and show 'em.

DICK:

All right, Susan, I will. Just hold my coat and hat.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

SOUND:

PICNIC CROWD

THADDEUS:

(DISGUSTED) Look at him -- foundered, blowing like a porpoise. (CALLS) You're some athlete, Mr. Nugent!

DICK:

(BREATHING HEAVILY) I-- I-- ...

SUSAN:

It's not Dickie's fault.

MARGARET:

(COOLLY TRIUMPHANT) Tommy Chamberlain happens to be the better man, that's all.

TOMMY:

(PLEASED) Thank you, Margaret.

SUSAN:

(DEFENSIVE) Just because Mr. Chamberlain won the sack race, and the potato-and-spoon race, and the three-legged race, doesn't prove a thing.

COACH:

(OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Ladies and gentlemen, the main event of the afternoon -- the spectacular obstacle race, the supreme test of skill, stamina and endurance.

DICK:

(GROANS)

SUSAN:

Come on, Dickie, get up off the grass. I can't pin your number on if you're lying down.

DICK:

(GROANS)

MARGARET:

Don't you think you've had enough for one day, Mr. Nugent?

SUSAN:

We've just begun to fight!

DICK:

(WITH EFFORT) Yeah. Yeah! We've just begun to fight!

TOMMY:

(WITH A CHUCKLE) Oh, Uncle Matt, you mind holding all these medals for me? I don't want to be handicapped with any excess weight.

COACH:

(OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Everybody get ready.

SUSAN:

I just know you can win this time, Dickie.

DICK:

(BREATHLESS) Sure. Sure.

SUSAN:

You've got to win me that cup.

TOMMY:

(MOVING OFF) Don't worry, Susan, I'll be glad to give you the cup.

MARGARET:

(GENUINE) I'm beginning to worry about him.

BEEMISH:

Him? Nugent?

MARGARET:

I just hope he wins. (CATCHES HERSELF) Uh, for Susan's sake.

BEEMISH:

(KNOWINGLY) Ohhh.

MARGARET:

Well, let's walk down to the finish line. Susan, where are you going?

SUSAN:

I'll be right back. I just want to talk to Jerry.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

SOUND:

PICNIC CROWD CHEERS

COACH:

(OVER LOUDSPEAKER, EXCITED) And the winner -- the winner of the grand award -- Mr. Richard Nugent! This way, Mr. Nugent. We'll present the cup at the grandstand.

DICK:

(OUT OF BREATH) Who's gonna carry me up there? ...

MARGARET:

Well, you certainly surprised us, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Uh, what happened to Chamberlain?

MARGARET:

I don't know. Strange he should drop out of the race so suddenly. Where's Susan? (MOVING OFF) Oh, well, let's get to the grandstand.

SOUND:

PICNIC CROWD FILLS A PAUSE

JERRY:

Well, Susan, I did what you asked me to do.

SUSAN:

Oh, thanks a lot, Jerry, for letting Dickie win.

JERRY:

It wasn't easy, Susan. A few of us tackled Mr. Chamberlain in the creek and held him underwater. ...

SUSAN:

Well, I must say, all the boys cooperated just fine.

JERRY:

You owe 'em seventy-five cents a piece. If it was for anyone but you, they'd've charge a dollar.

SUSAN:

I'll pay you on Saturday.

JERRY:

Oh, I don't want any money. Some things just can't be bought.

SUSAN:

You know, Jerry, at times, you're really very nice.

SOUND:

PICNIC CROWD FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

COACH:

And it gives me great pleasure to present this beautiful cup to that great athlete and winner of the feature event, Mr. Richard Nugent.

SOUND:

PICNIC CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

DICK:

(CHUCKLES, STAMMERS, GRACIOUS) Well-- Well, I - I - I don't quite know what happened to me, but I guess I owe it all to, uh, clean living, the proper outlook, and the, uh, help of my friends.

SOUND:

PICNIC CROWD LAUGHS, APPLAUDS

MUSIC:

SHIMMERING, IN BG

MARGARET:

(TO HERSELF, IN AWE) No! It's not possible. I'm seeing things.

BEEMISH:

Margaret? What in the world--?

MARGARET:

He's wearing armor. Mr. Nugent, he's-- He's like a knight in shining armor.

BEEMISH:

(PLEASED) Why, Margaret Turner!

MUSIC:

UP, FOR A TRIUMPHANT, ROMANTIC ACCENT ... THEN OUT

BEEMISH:

Well, Margaret, that was quite a picnic, quite a picnic. Where's Susan?

MARGARET:

Upstairs. I'm making her rest for a while if she's going to the dance tonight.

BEEMISH:

Dance? With Mr. Nugent?

MARGARET:

(UNEASY, EMBARRASSED) Well, yes. Uh, speaking of Mr. Nugent, that was - that was a very odd occurrence, Uncle Matt. I mean, there in the grandstand.

BEEMISH:

Seeing Richard Nugent in a suit of shining armor?

MARGARET:

I feel absolutely ridiculous.

BEEMISH:

Optical illusions have been known to--

MARGARET:

Obviously, it was a combination of the heat, a too-hurried lunch, and all the excitement.

BEEMISH:

Well, of course. It's a known fact that--

MARGARET:

Merely a matter of my thinking that I saw Mr. Nugent as Susan sees him. You understand?

BEEMISH:

Oh, same thing's happened to me a hundred times. Only I always see Betty Grable.

MARGARET:

Oh. ... Well, it - it's occurred to me that I-- Well, Mr. Nugent has been very sweet about Susan and I don't think we ought to embarrass him any longer.

BEEMISH:

But what if Susan--?

MARGARET:

Oh, I'm sure she'll get over it. I - I'd like to talk it over with him, as a matter of fact.

BEEMISH:

Well, I think that's a--

MARGARET:

But not here.

BEEMISH:

Oh, naturally, not here. But--

MARGARET:

And certainly not in his apartment.

BEEMISH:

Oh, no, of course not. But--

MARGARET:

Some public place. Sophisticated and, uh-- Well, we could talk things over.

BEEMISH:

Well, that's very sensible and--

MARGARET:

Oh, thank you, Uncle Matt. Your talking to me has cleared things up considerably. ...

BEEMISH:

Not at all. Not at all.

MARGARET:

Now, where's the telephone?

BEEMISH:

You've had it in your hand ever since you started--

MARGARET:

Ohhh! (CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Yes. So I have.

SOUND:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... THEN PHONE RINGS, RECEIVER UP

DICK:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? ... Who? ... Oh, yes, Your Honor. Anything wrong with Susan? ... Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. ... What? You? ... Oh, well, I'd be delighted. Where'll we meet? ... Oh, not at the house, huh? Well, uh, how 'bout here? Uh-- Oh, no, no, no, naturally. ... Well, just name the place. We can celebrate my victory this afternoon. ... No, I'm not too tired to dance. Do you dance? I mean, uh-- Okay. Well, uh, how 'bout the Tick-Tock Club? ... Fine. Nine o'clock. ... Sure. Okay.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

DICK:

(PLEASED) Mmmmmmm! Hm mm hm!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

We pause now for station identification. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MUSIC:

LUX SIGNATURE FILLS THE PAUSE ... THEN OUT

KEIGHLEY:

In a few moments, we'll return with the third act of of "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer." And now here's our Hollywood reporter, Libby Collins. I hear you have some special news tonight, Libby.

LIBBY:

It's about Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's new Technicolor comedy, Mr. Keighley -- "Neptune's Daughter," a prize package of laughter, music and romance.

KEIGHLEY:

And a cast that does full justice to its clever comedy and catchy tunes.

LIBBY:

That lovable clown Red Skelton is up to his usual tricks and he's a panic.

KEIGHLEY:

Yes, and Esther Williams is gorgeous. She swims, she romances, and -- my, my, Libby -- how she can wear those stunning bathing suits.

LIBBY:

And don't forget that lovely Lux complexion of hers, Mr. Keighley. No wonder making love to Esther comes naturally to handsome Ricardo Montalban.

KEIGHLEY:

The irrepressible Betty Garrett makes a wonderful partner for Red. All in all, it's a picture worthy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's twenty-fifth anniversary.

LIBBY:

And Lux Toilet Soap, too, is celebrating its twenty-fifth anniversary -- offering Lux girls everywhere a lovely, silver scatter pin inspired by Esther Williams. It's called the "Neptune's Daughter" scatter pin, and style-conscious women are going to love it.

ANNOUNCER:

You can bet they are, Libby. The design is beautiful -- charming little mermaid wrought in sterling silver. The pin has a strong safety clasp, too.

LIBBY:

It's a perfect accessory to wear on suits, dresses, and handbags.

ANNOUNCER:

Here's how to get your "Neptune's Daughter" pin. Send in two wrappers from Lux Toilet Soap, regular or bath-size, and thirty-five cents in coin to -- Lux Toilet Soap, Post Office Box Sixteen, New York, Eight, New York. Your sterling silver pin will come to you promptly. I'll repeat the address -- Lux Toilet Soap, Post Office Box Sixteen, New York, Eight, New York. Send in two Lux Toilet Soap wrappers and thirty-five cents in coin.

LIBBY:

If you could buy this pin at retail, it would cost a dollar and a half. This offer is good only in continental United States, Alaska and Hawaii, and subject to applicable state or local regulations.

ANNOUNCER:

The offer expires September first, Nineteen Forty-Nine. Send for your sterling silver pin soon. (BEAT) Now, our producer, Mr. William Keighley.

KEIGHLEY:

The curtain rises on the third act of "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer," starring Cary Grant as Richard Nugent and Shirley Temple as Susan.

MUSIC:

NIGHTCLUB DANCE BAND, FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG

KEIGHLEY:

Well, it's a few hours later and Judge Margaret Turner, looking entrancingly unlike a head of a municipal court, is dancing with Richard Nugent in the Tick-Tock nightclub. Mr. Nugent is much impressed.

DICK:

You know, my father was a bachelor.

MARGARET:

Really?

DICK:

Wait till I finish. ... He was a bachelor until way into his thirties. He always said he'd know who he was going to marry the moment he saw her. Then he met my mother, and he put his arms around her, and that was it. Just the way she felt in his arms did the trick.

MARGARET:

That's a very romantic story.

DICK:

(CHUCKLES) Yes. Well, they were happy all their lives, apparently had nothing in common. She was a piano teacher, and he was a flag decorator.

MARGARET:

Now, my father courted mother all through high school, college and law school. Fourteen years after they met, they decided it was time to get married. They had a lot in common. They were both attorneys.

DICK:

You feel nice in my arms.

MARGARET:

(TAKEN ABACK) I - I imagine that if Mother and Father hadn't had so much in common, they needn't have waited fourteen years. It could have happened suddenly. Why, they might even--

AGNES:

(YELLS HAPPILY) Dickie!

DICK:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. Oh, hello, Agnes.

AGNES:

(HIGH AS A KITE) Now, stay right where you are!

DICK:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC, TO MARGARET) Uh, you remember Agnes?

MARGARET:

I do.

DICK:

Yeah.

AGNES:

Well, aren't you gonna congratulate me? It's my birthday!

DICK:

Well, uh, congratulations.

AGNES:

And here's Joey!

JOEY:

(HIGH AND HAPPY) How are ya, Mr. Nugent?!

DICK:

Oh, yeah, Joey. Joey. Why, sure, the Vampire Club; the night Agnes and Florence--

JOEY:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Yeah, yeah! And it all winds up with you clippin' me on the chin!

AGNES:

(WANTS TO BE INTRODUCED) Hey, your, uh, lady friend--

DICK:

Oh, yes. Well, this is, uh--

AGNES:

(TO MARGARET) I know you! Now, don't tell me. Uh, at Dickie's apartment?

DICK:

No, this is Judge Turner.

AGNES:

Ohhhh, of course. You two got to be friends, huh? Well, leave it to Dickie!

DICK:

(MOVING OFF) Well, uh, happy birthday, Agnes.

MUSIC:

DANCE BAND UP, FOR A BRIEF TRANSITION

DICK:

I'm terribly sorry about that. Let's go back to the table.

MARGARET:

Oh, I'm sure you didn't know she was going to be here.

DICK:

(SKEPTICAL) Uh huh. Are you sure you're sure that I didn't know?

MARGARET:

Oh, I've given up jumping to conclusions, Mr. Nugent.

GINGER:

(OVERLAPS ABOVE, APPROACHES) Cigars? Cigarettes? Cigars? Cigarettes? (SURPRISED, ENTHUSIASTIC) Dickie, baby!

DICK:

Oh, uh, hello, Ginger. Uh, no thanks, no.

GINGER:

No? All right then. (MOVING OFF, SULTRY) Catch you later maybe, huh?

DICK:

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE, TO MARGARET) She's a - cute kid. I - I did a magazine cover of her once.

MARGARET:

Very cute.

MUSIC:

DANCE BAND FINISHES ITS TUNE

DICK:

Well, suppose we try the champagne. I hope it's-- (SURPRISED) Susan!

SUSAN:

(UPSET, ARCH) I do not intend to create a scene.

MARGARET:

What are you doing here?

SUSAN:

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves!

DICK:

(TO ALEX) Uh, another chair, Alex.

ALEX:

Yes, Mr. Nugent.

SUSAN:

I'm not too young to be deceived by such treachery.

DICK:

Sit down, Susan. What'll you have to drink?

SUSAN:

Lemonade! But I don't intend to stay. (ASIDE MILDLY, TO ALEX) Oh, and some - some chocolate ice cream. (UPSET AGAIN, TO MARGARET) You told me that Dickie was sick -- that he was so exhausted from winning the obstacle race that he just couldn't--

DICK:

She did?!

SUSAN:

Anyway, after you left, I went to Dickie's apartment. The elevator boy told me where he went. I demand an explanation from both of you!

AGNES:

(APPROACHES) Oh, Dickie, Joey wants to buy you and the judge a birthday drink -- on him.

DICK:

Well, at the moment, Agnes--

AGNES:

It'll only take a minute. Just time enough to drink it down.

JOEY:

(YELLS LOUD, TO ALEX) Hey, you! Couple o' more chairs!

AGNES:

Uh, who's this? I don't believe we're acquainted.

DICK:

Oh, forgive me. This is Miss Susan Turner.

AGNES:

(CHUCKLES) Your daughter, huh, Judge? ...

DICK:

(QUICKLY) No, no, no; her sister. Her older sister. I mean - Margaret's sister.

JOEY:

Well, you look enough alike to be mudder and daughter.

MARGARET:

(DEFENSIVE) Sisters sometimes look alike, too.

AGNES:

I hate my sister! ...

JOEY:

Hey, that's a real cute hat you got on, honey.

SUSAN:

And I don't intend to take it off!

JOEY:

I didn't ask you should take it off! (YELLS) Hey, waiter, another round!

JERRY:

Well, good evening.

SUSAN & MARGARET:

Jerry!

DICK:

Hello, Jerry. Glad to see you.

JERRY:

I doubt if anyone's glad to see me.

SUSAN:

You were not invited here, Mr. White.

DICK:

Jerry, I'd like you to meet Agnes and Joey.

AGNES:

He's cuuuuute! ...

JERRY:

Hi. (TO SUSAN) I suppose you're wondering how I got here.

DICK:

Well, if Susan isn't, I am.

MARGARET:

(DRY) It's getting to be quite a party.

DICK:

(QUICK WARNING, TO MARGARET) Ah-ah-ah, you're jumping again.

JERRY:

Susan, I went to see you because I just got word I'm being drafted. I went to the house and you were gone; I went to Mr. Nugent's apartment; they told me that--

DICK:

Yeah, we know the rest of it, Jerry.

SUSAN:

(POUTING, TO JERRY) Well, you don't have to make such a big thing about it. After all, the war's over.

JERRY:

(DEFENSIVE) I know it's over, but guns go off by accident sometimes, or a fellow could trip on a bayonet.

DICK:

Yeah. Well, I know just how you feel, Jerry -- going away, perhaps not seeing your loved ones for -- oh -- a couple of years.

SUSAN:

(IMPRESSED, GENUINELY) You're a fine boy, Jerry, and a good friend. (POINTED) Perhaps Mr. Nugent doesn't know just how good.

DICK:

Oh, you don't have to tell me anything about Jerry.

SUSAN:

Maybe I could tell you a few things -- like how he made sure this afternoon that you won that race!

DICK:

Well-- He what?!

JOEY:

Hey, hey! The kid's a jockey, Agnes! What'd the horse pay?! ...

MARGARET:

This really doesn't concern you.

DICK:

Susan - Susan, what're you talking about?

JERRY:

You shouldn't have said that, Susan.

SUSAN:

Well, a woman scorned is a fury!

JOEY:

(TO JERRY) Hey, you drinkin', bub?

JERRY:

I'll have an egg nog. With two eggs!

DICK:

Now, wait a minute -- about this afternoon. Just what--?

JOEY:

(YELLS) Hey, waiter! Bring the boy a egg nog! With two eggs!

DICK:

(ASIDE, OFF JOEY'S YELL) Now, isn't that amazing? (BACK ON TOPIC) Jerry, what did you have to do with my winning that race?

JERRY:

Well, gee, Mr. Nugent--

SUSAN:

He only did it because he knew how much I loved you.

MARGARET:

Susan, I forbid this kind of talk.

TOMMY:

Good evening, Margaret!

DICK:

(DISBELIEF) Well! Life's very complicated.

MARGARET:

(COOL) Hello, Tommy.

DICK:

(EXASPERATED) Oh, sit down, Mr. Chamberlain. Do sit down.

TOMMY:

Well, I suppose you're wondering how I got here, Margaret. I went to your house--

DICK:

(QUICKLY) Let me tell it, let me tell it. You went to Margaret's; found that she'd gone. You were suspicious that she'd gone out with me, so you went up to my apartment; the elevator boy--

JOEY:

Who is this guy, Nugent? I don't like him.

TOMMY:

(WITH DIGNITY) My name is Chamberlain.

JOEY:

Hello.

AGNES:

Hello.

TOMMY:

(STIFF) How do you do?

AGNES:

Hey, get him! (MIMICS TOMMY) "How do you do?" ...

TOMMY:

Of course, you know what you're doing, Margaret? It might interest you to know that this--

SUSAN:

(UPSET, TO DICK) Do you know what you are? You're a regular Blackbeard!

MARGARET:

Bluebeard, dear.

SUSAN:

Well, a rose by any color's still--

DICK:

Oh, now, everybody's too excited.

TOMMY:

No one's excited! Margaret, I want you to know that only this afternoon this man told me he is madly in love with Susan.

SUSAN:

(LOVINGLY) Oh, Dickie! Did you, darling?

DICK:

Well, I - I did, yes, but I was only kidding.

JERRY:

I don't like your kidding Susan for any reason.

DICK:

You drink your eggnog! ...

MARGARET:

Now, listen, Tommy. We're in public and if we must discuss--

SUSAN:

Dickie, you've got to tell me once and for all -- do you love me?

DICK:

Susan, I think you're a very sweet child, but I can't honestly say that I love you.

JERRY:

You deceived her! And after she spent four dollars and fifty cents to make sure you won that race!

DICK:

Well, that's too bad! You can have the cup back!

TOMMY:

(INCREDULOUS) You mean - you mean, that victory of Nugent's was a frame-up?!

MARGARET:

I'm going to get out of here.

SUSAN:

(MOVING OFF) So am I.

MARGARET:

I've had enough of this, and enough of you, Mr. Nugent. (MOVING OFF) Everywhere you go, you attract trouble.

TOMMY:

(TO DICK) If I were so disposed, I could make a lot of trouble for you, my friend. (MOVING OFF) And I'm getting so disposed!

JERRY:

(MOVING OFF) You may be a regular guy, Mr. Nugent, but I don't know.

AGNES:

(TEARFUL) I came to this table simply to buy you a birthday drink and you've ruined my birthday! You've ruined it! (MOVING OFF) Come on, Joey! Let him pay for the drinks!

JOEY:

(LOUD) I'd punch you right in the nose, Nugent-- (QUIET) --if I wasn't afraid you'd bust my jaw. ...

ALEX:

(APOLOGETIC) Mr. Nugent?

DICK:

Oh, go on, Alex. Just say it.

ALEX:

I just want to say I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Nugent. Would there be anything else?

DICK:

(BEAT) For instance? ...

MUSIC:

QUICK BRIDGE

SUSAN:

And I just want you to know, Margaret, that I'm leaving home. My own sister, stealing the man I love!

MARGARET:

Susan, you're not being fair.

SUSAN:

(BITTER) The other woman!

BEEMISH:

Susan!

MARGARET:

It's not like that at all.

SUSAN:

I'm old enough to fight for my happiness. I saw him first!

MARGARET:

This is all your fault, Uncle Matt. You deliberately told Susan to come to that night club.

SUSAN:

He certainly did not. It was all my own idea.

MARGARET:

That's beside the point.

BEEMISH:

Now you're both hysterical.

SUSAN:

If I want to be hysterical, I can!

BEEMISH:

Susan, I would like to talk to you.

SUSAN:

I have nothing to say. I will not issue a statement of any kind at this time.

BEEMISH:

Susan, I am still strong enough to take you over my knee and give you the lambasting I sincerely believe you deserve.

SUSAN:

You wouldn't dare!

BEEMISH:

Just march to your room.

MUSIC:

QUICK BRIDGE

SUSAN:

(CHASTENED) Margaret?

MARGARET:

(BEHIND DOOR) Come in, dear.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

SUSAN:

Margaret, I've just had a long talk with Uncle Matt.

MARGARET:

Oh?

SUSAN:

And I see things much more clearly. After all, Richard is too old for me. Jeepers! When I'm forty-two, he'll be sixty.

MARGARET:

I see.

SUSAN:

Anyway, Jerry's going to look awfully handsome in his uniform, don't you think? So I've decided to renounce Richard for Jerry.

MARGARET:

Oh. That's very sensible of you, dear.

SUSAN:

And now that you have a clear field, I think you ought to patch things up. I've acted very childishly, and I'm sorry.

MARGARET:

(GENUINE) Susan, if I had a million more sisters, I'd want them all exactly like you.

SUSAN:

You're just saying that because I'm so sklonklish. Good night, Margaret.

MARGARET:

Good night, Susan.

SUSAN:

You know, in many ways, I think this has made a bigger woman of me. ...

SOUND:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

BEEMISH:

So Susan apologized, eh? Well, Margaret, suppose we have a little talk -- about emotions.

MARGARET:

Uncle Matt, I'm not interested in any more of your psychological mumbo jumbo about emotions. I deal in facts. And the conclusions I draw from the facts are depressing.

BEEMISH:

Well, depressing or not, you're in love with Richard Nugent.

MARGARET:

Yes, well, I'll discuss that with you in the morning. Good night, Uncle Matt.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

BEEMISH:

Good morning, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Hm? Oh. Well, Dr. Beemish! How did you get in here?

BEEMISH:

The door was closed so I opened it and came in.

DICK:

Well, you can open it again and go right out.

BEEMISH:

You and Margaret are having trouble.

DICK:

None of your business.

BEEMISH:

So you're packing, huh? And airplane tickets. Where are you going?

DICK:

Africa.

BEEMISH:

Mm, that's pretty far away, isn't it? Now, let's look at the facts. First of all, you're in love with Margaret.

DICK:

Facts. I'm an artist. I deal in emotions. And my emotions tell me to go to Africa. What do your emotions tell you?

BEEMISH:

Well, I've got a plan.

DICK:

Well, I've had enough of your plans and your whole family. I was a carefree fella before I met up with you. I've been in nothing but trouble ever since. I'm going to be a carefree fellow again. Now, buzz off. ...

BEEMISH:

Very well. Oh, if you should run across a man named Smedley while you're in Africa, give him my regards, will you? He's a cousin of ours. ...

DICK:

Another judge, no doubt.

BEEMISH:

Yes, as a matter of fact, he is. Good day, Mr. Nugent.

DICK:

Mmmm.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

AUTO ENGINE BACKGROUND

BEEMISH:

Beautiful morning, Margaret. Fine flying weather. I can't tell you how delighted I am you're going away for a while. Best thing in the world for you.

MARGARET:

Turn around, Uncle Matt. I've changed my mind. I want to go home.

BEEMISH:

Oh, but that's silly.

MARGARET:

It's silly that I'm running away -- all because of Richard Nugent.

BEEMISH:

Now, look. For the time being, just do what your Uncle Matt tells you.

MARGARET:

Why? You haven't been doing so good lately.

BEEMISH:

I merely suggested that a little plane trip--

MARGARET:

(GIVES UP) Oh, all right. Drive on to the airport.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN AIRPORT BACKGROUND

PORTER:

Porter, sir. Take your baggage?

BEEMISH:

Oh. Oh. Yes, yes. Uh, this baggage belongs to Miss Turner. She's at the reservation window, picking up her ticket.

PORTER:

(MOVING OFF) Miss Turner; yes, sir.

TOMMY:

(APPROACHES, AGITATED) Dr. Beemish! Where is she?! Where's Margaret?!

BEEMISH:

Oh, hello, Chamberlain. (CAGEY) I, uh, I'm looking for her myself.

TOMMY:

She's leaving? Taking a plane?

BEEMISH:

Yes, I'm afraid she is.

TOMMY:

Oh, this is all Nugent's fault. If I see him again, he'll get ten years. I've got a bench warrant out for his arrest.

BEEMISH:

Now, if you'll take my advice--

TOMMY:

I don't want your advice. Now, where's Margaret?

BEEMISH:

Well, she should be here. Why don't you watch that side entrance over there, and I'll keep my eyes open here?

TOMMY:

Oh, very well. (MOVING OFF) Now, just let me know the instant she arrives.

SOUND:

AIRPORT BACKGROUND FILLS BRIEF PAUSE

BEEMISH:

Oh, uh, officer? Officer, could I talk to you a moment?

OFFICER:

Yes, sir?

BEEMISH:

I'm Dr. Beemish, city psychiatrist.

OFFICER:

Oh, sure. Any trouble, doc?

BEEMISH:

That fellow pacing up and down at the side entrance there--

OFFICER:

Him? What's his trouble, doc?

BEEMISH:

He thinks he's the assistant district attorney. ... He likes to go around arresting people.

OFFICER:

Oh, one of those guys, huh?

BEEMISH:

Well, I'll try to handle him. But I wanted you to know, just in case.

OFFICER:

Don't worry, doc. I'll be around.

TOMMY:

(OFF) Dr. Beemish?! Dr. Beemish?!

BEEMISH:

Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming!

TOMMY:

He's here! Nugent's here! I just saw him. He's out there by the planes. Well, come on, let's get him.

BEEMISH:

I think you're making a big mistake.

TOMMY:

Oh, no, I'm not. Trying to leave town, huh? Ha! I'll show him! (CALLS) Officer?! I want you to arrest someone!

OFFICER:

(AS IF TO A CHILD) Now, you don't want to go around arresting nice people. ...

TOMMY:

What? Do you know who you're talking to? I'm the assistant district attorney!

OFFICER:

Sure you are. Sure.

TOMMY:

Dr. Beemish, tell him who I am.

BEEMISH:

(AS IF TO CHILD) Oh, yes, officer. He's the assistant district attorney. ...

OFFICER:

Well, ain't that nice?

TOMMY:

You - you stupid blockhead. Well, I'll do it myself. Beemish, get his number.

BEEMISH:

Yes. I'll get a pencil. (MOVING OFF) I'll be right back.

OFFICER:

Let's go, bud.

TOMMY:

(CONFUSED) Yeah, well-- Where're you taking me? Let go of me! (DRAGGED AWAY, CALLS) Dr. Beemiiiiish!

SOUND:

AIRPORT BACKGROUND SHIFTS TO RUNWAY BACKGROUND ... PLANE ENGINE REVS, BUZZ OF PASSENGERS

VOICE:

(OVER PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM) Passengers for Flight Seven now boarding at Gate Two! Passengers for Flight Seven now boarding at Gate Two!

STEWARDESS:

Name, please?

PASSENGER:

Arthur Ames.

STEWARDESS:

Oh, step right aboard, Mr. Ames. (TO NEXT PASSENGER) Name, please?

DICK:

Nugent, Richard Nug-- (STOPS SHORT AT SIGHT OF MARGARET ON PLANE)

STEWARDESS:

Something wrong, Mr. Nugent?

DICK:

Uh, well, there's someone in the plane.

STEWARDESS:

(CHUCKLES) There's several people in the plane.

DICK:

That's not what I mean. What I mean is--

STEWARDESS:

(CHUCKLES) Just step aboard, Mr. Nugent. (TO NEXT PASSENGER) Name, please?

SOUND:

RUNWAY BACKGROUND SHIFTS TO AIRPLANE INTERIOR

MUSIC:

LILTING ... IN BG

MARGARET:

(EXHALES HAPPILY, INVITING) Hello?

DICK:

(PLEASED BUT UNCERTAIN) Hello.

MARGARET:

(DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY) Well, um--

DICK:

(LIKEWISE) Well, uh--

MARGARET:

(AN INSPIRATION) You remind me of a man.

DICK:

(LIKES THE SOUND OF THIS) Ah! (A LEISURELY, ROMANTIC EXCHANGE) What man?

MARGARET:

The man with the power.

DICK:

What power?

MARGARET:

The power of hoodoo.

DICK:

Hoodoo?

MARGARET:

You do.

DICK:

Do what?

MARGARET:

Remind me of a man.

DICK:

What man?

MARGARET:

The man with the power.

DICK:

What power?

MARGARET:

Give up?

DICK:

Give up. Shall I fasten your safety belt or will you feel safer hanging on to me, huh? (CHUCKLES)

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

KEIGHLEY:

Our stars will return in a few moments. And now we want to talk to lovely Esther Williams who's been listening to THE LUX RADIO THEATRE tonight at her home. Hello, there, Esther.

WILLIAMS:

(FILTER) Hello, Bill. I want to tell you how much I enjoyed tonight's performance starring Cary Grant and Shirley Temple. It was really delightful.

KEIGHLEY:

So glad you liked it, Esther.

WILLIAMS:

(FILTER) You know, I was interested, too, in what you said about our new Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer picture "Neptune's Daughter" and the sterling silver pin Lux Soap is offering. You know, I liked that mermaid design so much that I have a bronze plaque in the very same design. I'm going to set it in the front door of our new home.

KEIGHLEY:

It is a charming pin, Esther. I noticed you were wearing a pair of them the other day on your suit lapel. They certainly look smart.

WILLIAMS:

(FILTER) Why, thank you, Bill. I love them and I wear them all the time. And now perhaps Mr. Kennedy can tell your listeners again how to get this silver anniversary pin.

ANNOUNCER:

I'll be glad to, Miss Williams. Just send in two wrappers from Lux Toilet Soap, regular or bath-size, and thirty-five cents in coin for each sterling silver "Neptune's Daughter" pin, to Lux Toilet Soap, Post Office Box Sixteen, New York, Eight, New York. That's Lux Toilet Soap, Post Office Box Sixteen, New York, Eight, New York.

This silver anniversary offer is good only in continental United States, Alaska and Hawaii, and subject to applicable state or local regulations. It expires September first, Nineteen Forty-Nine.

You're sure to want more than one of these handsome silver pins so send for yours soon. (BEAT) Now, here's Mr. Keighley with our stars.

KEIGHLEY:

Tonight's play was enjoyed, I know, by all bachelors, all bobby-soxers, and all the rest of us, too. So here's all our thanks to Cary Grant and Shirley Temple.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

KEIGHLEY:

Cary, when we first tried to reach you about tonight's show, you were in the middle of the Atlantic on a freighter. We're certainly glad you made it.

GRANT:

Well, thank you, Bill. So am I. I had a wonderful rest.

TEMPLE:

I suppose after a strenuous picture you need a rest when you're - over twenty-one.

GRANT:

Uh, Shirley, remember, you can vote now. ...

TEMPLE:

(LAUGHS)

KEIGHLEY:

(LAUGHS) I suppose you're pretty bored, Shirley, with people who say (CLICKS TONGUE) "My, how you've grown."

TEMPLE:

Well, after all, I'm a married woman with a little daughter.

GRANT:

You know, that's the trouble. Other girls get married; two days later, everybody's forgotten it. Except the groom, of course.

TEMPLE:

(LAUGHS)

GRANT:

But when Shirley Temple gets married, the whole world feels twenty years older. ...

TEMPLE:

Well, I think every girl should be married.

GRANT:

Ah, every girl should be married. ... I'm glad you brought that up.

KEIGHLEY:

Yes; you see, Shirley, two weeks from tonight, Cary will be back with us again, starring with Betsy Drake in their recent hit "Every Girl Should Be Married."

TEMPLE:

Oh, that's wonderful. I loved the picture. And I have a suggestion for every girl who thinks she should be married. Every girl should have a Lux complexion.

KEIGHLEY:

Yes, I recommend a Lux complexion exactly like yours.

TEMPLE:

Why, thank you, Mr. Keighley. I've always used Lux Soap. And, don't forget, you promised me one of those "Neptune's Daughter" scatter pins. In fact, I'd like to have two of them to wear on my new suit.

KEIGHLEY:

Well, it'll be a pleasure, Shirley. The "Neptune's Daughter" pin is sterling silver and something every woman will want.

GRANT:

Well, what's next week's play, Bill?

KEIGHLEY:

Well, it's a drama about Hollywood, Cary -- the famous hit of stage and screen, "Merton of the Movies." Starring in it, we'll have the one and only Mickey Rooney. And, with Mickey, lovely Arlene Dahl. There'll be laughs, drama and romance here next Monday with "Merton of the Movies."

TEMPLE:

We'll all be listening. Good night.

GRANT:

Good night.

KEIGHLEY:

Good night and we'll see you in two weeks, Cary.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

LUX THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG

KEIGHLEY:

Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday evening, when THE LUX RADIO THEATRE presents Mickey Rooney and Arlene Dahl in "Merton of the Movies." This is William Keighley saying good night to you from Hollywood.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

LUX THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG UNTIL APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Cary Grant will soon be seen starring in the Twentieth Century-Fox production "I Married a War Bride." Shirley Temple appeared by arrangement with David O. Selznick, producer of "Portrait of Jennie," starring Jennifer Jones and Joseph Cotten.

Today, we salute America's independent retail grocers who will attend the Golden Jubilee Convention of the National Association of Retail Grocers in Chicago this week. This anniversary meeting marks more than fifty years of efficient, convenient and courteous service to the American homemaker.

Our play was adapted by S. H. Barnett and our music was directed by Louis Silvers. This is your announcer, John Milton Kennedy, reminding you to join us again next Monday night to hear "Merton of the Movies," starring Mickey Rooney and Arlene Dahl.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... FADES OUT FOR--

MUSIC:

JINGLE FOR COMMERCIAL--

SINGER:

If you have trouble, trouble, trouble with your nice things
Change to Lux Flakes!
And they will bubble, bubble, bubble your troubles away,
Keep dresses looking neater!
Keep pretty colors sweeter!
Let L-U-X bubble your troubles away!

MUSIC:

JINGLE OUT ... FADE IN LUX THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

Be sure to listen next Monday night to THE LUX RADIO THEATRE presentation of "Merton of the Movies" starring Mickey Rooney and Arlene Dahl. Stay tuned for MY FRIEND IRMA, which follows over these same stations.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.