Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Lux Radio Theater
Show: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Date: Jun 09 1941

CAST:

The Lux Team
ANNOUNCER, Melville Ruick
CECIL B. DeMILLE, your host
SALLY
MRS. JONES
MR. JONES

The Characters
DAVID SMITH / BOB HOPE
ANN KRAUSHEIMER SMITH / CAROLE LOMBARD
CHUCK BENSON, David's friend at club; not very classy
HARRY DEEVER, rural accent
MOTHER, Ann's mom; not crazy about son-in-law
JEFF, David's law partner; a Southern gentleman
SECRETARY, David's secretary
CAT
PROPRIETOR, of Momma Lucy's
LILY, servant
MARTHA, servant
CABBIE
FLOORWALKER
DETECTIVE (1 line)
OFFICER
MAITRE D'
GLORIA
GERTIE
WAITER (2 lines)
MR. CUSTER, Jeff's dad
MRS. CUSTER, Jeff's mom
PORTER
and CROWDS at a department store and the Stork Club

ANNOUNCER:

Lux presents Hollywood!

MUSIC:

LUX THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

The Lux Radio Theatre brings you Carole Lombard and Bob Hope in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

DEMILLE:

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. This evening's class will study a simple equation -- "Bob Hope plus Carole Lombard equals a riot." And this particular riot is called "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." I've been connected with the theater most of my life, and that's been long enough to bar me from the draft. I've seen many a bright star rise, but I've never seen more comedy stars than we have today, nor a time when they were more needed. Two top ones are here tonight and they'll do their best to help us keep our national equilibrium by completely upsetting it for the next hour.

The play is the story of a young married couple who suddenly discover, to their own amazement, that they aren't legally married at all. Carole Lombard and Bob Hope carry on from there, with Carole in the same part she played in the RKO picture, and Bob Hope as her lawyer husband. Personally, I'd like to have the right to sell tickets in any courtroom where Bob pleaded a case.

But we're not selling tickets tonight. Our production of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" is another gesture of appreciation to Mr. and Mrs. America for the way they've supported another production of ours, Lux Toilet Soap. Of course, we've generally spoken to Mrs. America when we've talked about that, but we had no intention of slighting her husband. It just seemed that Mrs. America would be more interested. But Mr. America has some very definite ideas of his own about soap, principally on the subject of lather. His letters are practical and to the point. And where Lux Toilet Soap is concerned, we're glad to report that Mr. America agrees perfectly with Mrs. America that it's just about the best buy on the market -- so here's to both of them.

And here's a play for both of them -- "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," starring Bob Hope as David Smith, and Carole Lombard as Ann, his wife -- with Bill Goodwin as Chuck Benson and Jack Arnold as Jeff. Curtain going up.

MUSIC:

ORGAN ... FOR WEDDING ... THEN IN BG

DEMILLE:

When the David Smiths took each other, for better, for worse, they agreed to live by a set of rules. Rule Four, Sub-Division A, was by far the most radical.

ANN:

I, Ann--

DAVID:

And I, David--

ANN & DAVID:

Do solemnly promise that we shall never leave a room after a quarrel until such quarrel is over and has been settled to the satisfaction of--

ANN:

Me, Ann.

DAVID:

And me, David. Hallelujah.

MUSIC:

CHANGES TO HOMEY, IN BG, OUT AT [X]

DEMILLE:

In three years of married life, Rule Number Four, Sub-Division A, has been called into operation at least once every week. In fact, it's in operation right now. [X]

SOUND:

KNOCK AT BEDROOM DOOR

LILY:

Mr. Smith? Breakfast, sir. Breakfast, Mrs. Smith!

MARTHA:

(LOW) Lily, what are they doing now?

LILY:

I don't know, but they ain't openin' the door.

MARTHA:

Look through the keyhole. (BEAT) Well?

LILY:

She's under the bedclothes, and - and he's playin' cards.

MARTHA:

Still? That's what they were doing last night.

LILY:

They been in three days already! How much longer they gonna keep this up?

MARTHA:

They went eight days once.

LILY:

Martha, he's comin' toward the door.

MARTHA:

(MOVING OFF) Get away from there, quick.

LILY:

(OFF) I'm way ahead of you.

SOUND:

BEDROOM DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES

ANN:

(DISTRESSED) David? David, come back! David!

DAVID:

(CALM) Yes, Ann?

ANN:

(RELIEVED) Oh. Oh, darling, I thought-- I was afraid you--

DAVID:

You thought I'd left without makin' up, huh?

ANN:

Oh, yes. Oh, hold me close. Closer, David.

DAVID:

Closer? Honey, this is David, not Goliath. ... Say, what would you've done if I'd really gone out that door?

ANN:

I don't know.

DAVID:

Leave me?

ANN:

Mm hm.

DAVID:

Forever?

ANN:

Mm hm.

DAVID:

For all eternity?

ANN:

Uh huh.

DAVID:

Even till they stop playing "Amapola"?

ANN:

Uh huh. ... Oh David, as long as we live, we'll never change Rule Number Four.

DAVID:

Never.

ANN:

You know, if every married couple had it, there'd never be a divorce. They ought to put it in the marriage certificate. By the way, where is our marriage certificate?

DAVID:

Oh, I'm using it for a bookmark. I don't want to lose my place in Esquire. ...

ANN:

David, remember that eight-day session?

DAVID:

Uh huh.

ANN:

And the six?

DAVID:

There were two sixes.

ANN:

Two?

DAVID:

Yeah, one Christmas week and the other after the Yale game. We got home and the football game started all over again.

ANN:

That was really five and a half days. We started in the afternoon.

DAVID:

And now how about breakfast, madam?

ANN:

Oh, kiss me first. (KISSES, SIGHS) All right, darling, breakfast.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

BREAKFAST TABLE BACKGROUND

ANN:

We've got respect for each other as persons, that's our big trick.

DAVID:

Yup.

ANN:

"Man and woman," all right, but "person to person," that's important in a marriage, too. You know, I think we'd be friends if we were both men or women, don't you?

DAVID:

Hm? Oh, sure.

ANN:

Mm. Respect for each other as individuals, that's what counts in marriage; and always to tell the truth, no matter what the consequences. You know, if we told each other just one lie, we'd have to admit we failed, wouldn't we, David?

DAVID:

Hmm.

ANN:

And what would we have left? Oh, a marriage, like other people's -- doubt, distrust, going on with each other because it's the easiest way. Oh, no, not for us. Not after what we've had. You know, David, it was all my fault.

DAVID:

Oh, no, Ann; it was mine.

ANN:

It was my fault, dear. A wife should conduct herself to please her husband. That's one of the rules I'm going to make.

DAVID:

(ALARMED) Another one?!

SOUND:

DROPS FORK

ANN:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) David! What's today's date?

DAVID:

(NERVOUS) Well, I'd better be running along, honey. The office must be loaded with--

ANN:

Well, David it's the fifteenth. Remember Rule Number Seven?

DAVID:

Ann, I think we ought to give that one up. We always get into arguments.

ANN:

Well, if we ever give one up, that means we're giving up just that much of our wonderful relationship that we're letting down. You wouldn't want me to feel that, would you?

DAVID:

Yeah, but those questions you ask every month, like what I did that trip in Paris when I graduated from college. I was only twenty-one, and I really thought I was buying a post card. ...

ANN:

Oh, I forgave you for that.

DAVID:

Oh, well, darling, I've got to get to the office--

ANN:

Only one question today, dear.

DAVID:

Mm, now I know what happens to the Quiz Kids when they grow up. ...

ANN:

David, tell me, if you had to do it all over again, would you have married me?

DAVID:

Honestly? No.

ANN:

What?! ...

DAVID:

(QUICKLY) Oh, not that I'd want to marry anyone else, but a man gives up so much when he's married -- privacy, and independence, and Earl Carroll's-- No, I think-- ... I think if I had to do it over again, I'd stay single.

ANN:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

DAVID:

(DEFENSIVE) Now, honey, you wanted me to tell you the truth, because we have respect for each other. We talk to each other honestly. Your feelings aren't hurt, now, are they?

ANN:

(UNCONVINCING) Oh, no, it's perfectly all right; perfectly.

DAVID:

I knew it! That's the last of those questions! They're always getting us in trouble.

ANN:

Well, I'm not angry in the least.

DAVID:

Yes, you are. You don't understand what I mean.

ANN:

David, if you want your freedom, I don't want to be the kind of a wife who clings to her husband when she's not wanted.

DAVID:

For heaven's sakes, I do want to stay married to you! I love ya! I'm crazy about ya! I'm used to ya! How do we get into these things anyway?! ...

ANN:

(TEARFUL) Well, if - if my only hold on you is that you're used to me-- (WEEPS, BEHIND--)

DAVID:

(DESPERATE) Honey, darling, you've got the whole thing wrong. You're my little girl; I'm crazy about ya. Don't cry, baby. Don't cry. Aww, Snooks, look-- Give dream boy a little kiss.

ANN:

(RELENTS) Oh. ... (BABY VOICE) All wight, dweam bowy.

DAVID:

(CHUCKLES)

SOUND:

A BIG KISS

ANN:

(CONTENTED MURMUR) ...

DAVID:

Ann? Now, is - is evwything all wight?

ANN:

Yes, dweam bowy, evwything.

DAVID:

Is this as sickening to you as it is to me? ...

ANN:

(UPSET) David! (STARTS WEEPING AGAIN)

DAVID:

Oh, now, honey, stop. I didn't mean it. Stop, darling. Don't cry. Before the government builds a dam around you, stop, please. ... Say you forgive me, say it.

ANN:

(COMPOSES HERSELF) All right. I forgive you.

DAVID:

Fine. Can I go to work now?

ANN:

Uh huh.

DAVID:

Aw, goodbye, sweetheart. I'll come home early, and I mean early.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

CLACKING OF TYPEWRITER

SECRETARY:

Morning, Mr. Smith.

DAVID:

Morning.

SOUND:

TYPEWRITER CUT OFF AS OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

JEFF:

Good morning, David.

DAVID:

Oh, good morning, Jeff.

JEFF:

Well, it's been a long time, hasn't it?

DAVID:

Yeah, about four Band-Aids ago.

JEFF:

(CHUCKLES) I was beginning to think I didn't have a partner any more at all.

DAVID:

Well, you know how Ann is. You have to humor her in those things.

JEFF:

Well, you don't have to apologize to me, David. I envy you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I was in your shoes.

DAVID:

Yeah, she's a good kid.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS (CLACKING OF TYPEWRITER IN BG)

SECRETARY:

Mr. Smith?

DAVID:

Yes?

SECRETARY:

There's a Mr. Deever been waiting to see you. He won't tell me his business. He says it's something private.

DAVID:

Oh, send him in.

SECRETARY:

Yes, sir.

JEFF:

Well, I'll leave you to your miseries, David. (MOVING OFF) Er, lunch at the club if you can make it.

DAVID:

Oh, fine, I'll try, Jeff.

SECRETARY:

Mr. Deever, sir.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR SHUTS (AND CLACKING OF TYPEWRITER OUT) BEHIND--

DAVID:

Oh, Mr. Deever, how do you do?

DEEVER:

How do you do?

DAVID:

Won't you sit down? Well, what is it?

DEEVER:

Uh, Mr. Smith, were you married in Beecham in March Nineteen Thirty-Eight?

DAVID:

Why, yes, I was.

DEEVER:

(A SPIEL HE'S REPEATED MANY TIMES) Well, uh, you know Beecham is on the other side of the river, and it was always incorporated in Brenner County. And, you see, Brenner County is in Idaho. Eh, er, you follow me, don't you?

DAVID:

Well, more or less, but to be on the safe side, maybe you'd better drop pebbles. ...

DEEVER:

Well, er, we in Beecham found out we didn't have the right to be incorporated in Brenner County, because from the other side of the Bass River-- Well, we, er, um, we belong in Nevada.

DAVID:

(LIGHTLY) Well, it sounds like a good idea, taking Brenner County out of Idaho. Leaves more room to grow potatoes. ...

DEEVER:

This is serious, Mr. Smith. You see, we just found out that anybody who got married between Nineteen Thirty-Six and now, with an Idaho license in Nevada-- Well, er, it isn't legal.

DAVID:

Oh, well, what do you mean it isn't legal?

DEEVER:

Now I don't want you to get frightened or upset or anything, there's been kind of a mistake. You're not legally married.

DAVID:

What's that?! You mean my wife ain't my--? Or I ain't--? Or, or we--? You mean I'm draft bait?! ...

DEEVER:

Oh, you really are married and everything, but, eh, there's a little technicality.

DAVID:

Little, he says. It's a good thing I don't have a couple of "little technicalities" running around the house! ... Well, go on.

DEEVER:

You're a lawyer, Mr. Smith. You know everything's perfectly all right; common law and everything. But we figured it'd be better if everybody kind of got married again, just to be on the safe side.

DAVID:

Yeah?

DEEVER:

And the Chamber of Commerce is sending me around to everybody to tell them. And we give you your two dollars back. And you can use it to get another license. Here's your two dollars, Mr. Smith.

DAVID:

Okay, and will the Chamber of Commerce take over the payments on the ring?

DEEVER:

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'll be going now, Mr. Smith, I-- Oh, say, that picture there, is that your wife?

DAVID:

Uh huh.

DEEVER:

She's a striking woman.

DAVID:

You can say that again, brother. ...

DEEVER:

Say, wasn't she Annie Krausheimer?

DAVID:

Annie Krausheimer; she lived right across from Beecham; that's how we came to be married there. Did you know her?

DEEVER:

Did I know her? I guess she's changed some, huh?

DAVID:

Yeah, she's changed a little.

DEEVER:

She once chased the dogcatcher half a mile with a baseball bat.

DAVID:

Well, she hasn't changed as much as you think. ...

DEEVER:

Well, goodbye, Mr. Smith. Tell her I asked after her, will you? Old Harry Deever, she'll remember me.

DAVID:

Ah, goodbye.

DEEVER:

Goodbye.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS DEEVER EXITS

DAVID:

(TO HIMSELF, MISCHIEVOUS) Oh ho, ho, ho.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF INTERCOM

DAVID:

Oh, hello, Miss Ames? Will you call my home, please? Ask the maid if I can please speak to Miss Annie Krausheimer.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MOTHER:

You're sure everything's all right now, Ann?

ANN:

Oh, Mother, it's wonderful. David called me just a little while ago. He wants me to have dinner with him tonight.

MOTHER:

Well, that sounds good.

ANN:

And do you know where, Mother? Momma Lucy's. (CHUCKLES, WARMLY) You know, I didn't think he even remembered the name of the place. Why, we haven't been there since before we were married.

MOTHER:

That sounds even better.

ANN:

Oh, don't worry, Mother. (CHUCKLES) You know what? All the time he was talking to me on the telephone, he kept calling me Miss Krausheimer. (CHUCKLES) The fool.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

LILY:

Mrs. Smith?

ANN:

Yes, Lily?

LILY:

Mr. Harry Deever is here. He says you remember him from across the river, in Beecham.

MOTHER:

(REMEMBERS) Oh, Harry Deever.

ANN:

Bertha Deever's brother. Well, show him in, Lily.

LILY:

Yes, ma'am. (TO DEEVER) Come in please, sir.

ANN:

Hello, Harry Deever! This is quite a surprise.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--

DEEVER:

Hello, Annie. Hello, Mrs. Krausheimer.

MOTHER:

Hello.

DEEVER:

I didn't know whether you'd remember me.

ANN:

What are you doing in New York?

DEEVER:

I'm here on business.

MOTHER:

How's your wife, Harry?

DEEVER:

She's fine, thanks.

ANN:

How's Bertha?

DEEVER:

Oh, she's fine, too. Married to a dairy farmer in Boise. Got four children, all girls. Got four cows, all girls, too. ...

ANN:

(LAUGHS) Well, sit down, won't you? Will you have some tea?

DEEVER:

No, thanks; only dropped in for a second. Annie, you haven't changed a bit. I'd recognize you in a minute.

ANN:

Why, Harry, that's the nicest thing you could have said to me.

DEEVER:

Say, I did recognize you -- only saw your picture on your husband's desk and recognized you right off.

ANN:

Hm?

DEEVER:

He's a good-lookin' fellow.

ANN:

What were you doing with my husband?

DEEVER:

Well, uh, here's the way it is. (GOES INTO HIS SPIEL) You see, Beecham is on the other side of the river, and it was always incorporated in Brenner County. Well, Brenner County is in Idaho-- (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

BRIEF TRANSITION ... TO INDICATE PASSAGE OF TIME

DEEVER:

(FADES IN) So, you see, Annie, you aren't legally married.

MOTHER:

Ann, this is horrible!

ANN:

Not married? So that's why he called me Miss Krausheimer.

DEEVER:

Oh, it's nothing, Annie. You'll just get married again.

MOTHER:

I should hope so!

ANN:

Well, now, Mother, don't get excited. Harry's right; the whole thing's very simple. David will marry me all over again.

MOTHER:

And suppose he doesn't?!

ANN:

Well, he'll have to. If he doesn't I'll - I'll get a divorce, that's what I'll do.

MOTHER:

You can't get a divorce from a man you're not even engaged to!

ANN:

Well, Mother, stop confusing me. (STAMMERS, QUICKLY) It's all right, I tell you. Why, I always ask him if he'd do it again and-- I say, "David, if you had to do it all over again, would you marry me?" Well, just this morning he said to me, he said-- Oh, he said-- (REALIZES) Ohhhh. Holy mackerel, I'm a bachelor girl!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

CAR ENGINE BACKGROUND

DAVID:

You're lookin' kind o' cute tonight.

ANN:

Oh, thank you, David, and thanks for the lovely roses you sent me.

DAVID:

Well, I always send you roses.

ANN:

Yes, but these had stems on them. ... Oh, I just can't wait to see Momma Lucy.

DAVID:

Oh, dear old Momma Lucy!

ANN:

Do you think we'll get the same table?

DAVID:

Sure, it's early.

ANN:

Oh, it'll be covered with a checkered tablecloth and there'll be a candle in an old Chianti bottle.

DAVID:

Yeah, just an old Chianti bottle in an old Chianti town.

ANN:

And Rosa the fortuneteller. You know, I even love the smell about the place.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... TRAFFIC BACKGROUND

ANN:

(UNCERTAIN) This is the place, isn't it?

DAVID:

Uh huh. Either our noses have changed or there's a livery stable around.

ANN:

Well, it's not exactly Chanel Number Five, but let's go in.

SOUND:

CAFE DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS, CUTTING OFF TRAFFIC BACKGROUND

DAVID:

This place has changed a little.

ANN:

Yeah, it looks sort of empty, doesn't it?

CAT:

(MEOWS)

DAVID:

Well, hello, cat. I don't remember you.

CAT:

(MEOWS)

PROPRIETOR:

(DEEP VOICE) You want somethin'?

DAVID:

Yeah. Is Momma Lucy here?

PROPRIETOR:

I'm Momma Lucy.

DAVID:

Well, you've changed a little, too. ...

PROPRIETOR:

(MOVING OFF) She left. I don't know where.

DAVID:

Oh, well, wait a minute, we'd like to eat here.

PROPRIETOR:

(OFF) Huh? You want to eat here?

DAVID:

Unless you've got some objection.

PROPRIETOR:

(CLOSER)I got no objection if you got no objection. Where would you like to sit?

ANN:

Well, we used to come here years ago, and there were tables outside. Would it be too much trouble to have it the way it used to be?

PROPRIETOR:

Are you gonna have the forty-five cent or the sixty-five cent dinner?

ANN:

Well, what's the difference?

DAVID:

With the sixty-five cent dinner, you get back your own hat and coat. ...

PROPRIETOR:

Sure. If it don't fit me. Sit down.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... DINNER TABLE BACKGROUND (UTENSILS, ET CETERA, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--)

DAVID:

The tablecloth isn't checkered, but it's dirty enough to look like checkered.

ANN:

The candle isn't the same stuck in a beer bottle.

DAVID:

It smells.

ANN:

Well, eat your soup, dear.

DAVID:

That smells, too. Say, there's something wrong with this soup.

CAT:

(MEOWS)

ANN:

It's just your imagination. There's nothing wrong with the soup.

DAVID:

No? Then why are the noodles spelling out "S.O.S."? ... Here, Pussy -- you eat some soup. Go ahead.

CAT:

(MEOWS)

ANN:

David, get that cat off the table.

DAVID:

I can't, I think it's his table. Look, he won't eat it! Why doesn't the cat eat the soup? Animals know what's good for them. You notice he ate up the olives.

ANN:

Well, why did you give them to him?

DAVID:

I wanted to see how many he'd eat before he'd ask for a martini. ...

ANN:

David, eat your soup, please.

CAT:

(MEOWS)

DAVID:

Oh, that cat knows something. Look at him, he's scared. A black lentil just crossed his path.

ANN:

David, David, where shall we go after this?

DAVID:

Home. Here, Puss, here. Come on, Stupe, soup. ...

ANN:

Did you say home, David? Well, aren't we supposed to go someplace before we go home?

DAVID:

Well, altogether it'll make it too late. Say, you know, I'd give five dollars to see that cat take a sip of that soup. Here, Puss, come on, soup.

ANN:

David, listen.

DAVID:

Yes, hon?

ANN:

Tell me what you do a day in the office. You know, just a simple day, like today. From the minute you came in until you went home, what happened?

DAVID:

Oh, nothing, just a lot of schmooze; it's dull as dishwater.

ANN:

No, it isn't. I'm very interested. What sort of things come up in a day? Who did you see? Please try and remember.

DAVID:

Well, there was a fellow that--

CAT:

(MEOWS)

DAVID:

Oh, look, the cat's going to eat the soup.

CAT:

(MEOWS)

DAVID:

No, he isn't, he's turning away. Doesn't that mean something? I want a stomach pump! ...

PROPRIETOR:

Nice cat, huh?

DAVID:

Yeah.

PROPRIETOR:

I'm unlucky with cats here. The third cat this week. Say, are you Mrs. Smith?

ANN:

Yes, how did you know?

PROPRIETOR:

Your mother's in the kitchen, on the phone.

ANN:

Oh, must be about our Red Cross group. I'll be right back, David.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT TO TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN KITCHEN BACKGROUND ... PHONE RECEIVER PICKED UP

ANN:

Hello? Mother?

MOTHER:

(FILTER, ANXIOUS) Hello, Ann. Has he told you?

ANN:

Well, not exactly.

MOTHER:

(FILTER) What do you mean not exactly?!

ANN:

Well, he's teasing me. He thinks he's being romantic about it.

MOTHER:

(FILTER, DISAPPOINTED) Ohhh.

ANN:

Mother, are you crying?

MOTHER:

(FILTER) My poor baby. Thank heaven your father's dead. Listen to me; listen to me now. Under no conditions, do you hear me, under no conditions are you to--

ANN:

Why, of course not, Mother! Don't worry. If worst comes to worst, I'll spend the night with you.

MOTHER:

(FILTER) Well, don't forget.

ANN:

I won't. Bye, Mother.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

DAVID:

That your mother?

ANN:

(UNHAPPY) Yes, Mother.

DAVID:

Yeah, your ears look tired. ... You know, honey, I've got a little secret to tell you.

ANN:

(RELIEVED) Oh, David, it's about time. What is it, dear?

DAVID:

(BEAT) You're a great kid.

ANN:

(BEAT, DISAPPOINTED) Is that all?

DAVID:

Hmm?

ANN:

Darling, it's getting rather late if we have to go anyplace, if you know what I mean.

DAVID:

Oh, I get it! (CALLS) Waiter, check!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

BOTTLE SWISHING IN ICE BUCKET

DAVID:

Champagne. Keep twirling it, honey. Get it good and cold.

ANN:

(UNEASY) David, why are we drinking champagne?

DAVID:

Well, you like champagne, don't you? Here, let me do it.

ANN:

David, wait. I - I didn't think we were coming home so soon.

DAVID:

No? Get the glasses, hon.

ANN:

Glasses?

DAVID:

Sure. You don't want to drink out of a bottle, do you?

ANN:

David, you-- Stop twirling that bottle!

DAVID:

Hey, look out!

SOUND:

RATTLE & THUMP OF ICE BUCKET KNOCKED TO FLOOR

DAVID:

What's the matter with you?

ANN:

You beast!

DAVID:

What?!

ANN:

You beast, you! You know we're not legally married! You were never gonna tell me!

DAVID:

I was gonna tell you! Honey, I was gonna tell you later!

ANN:

Later?! Later?!

DAVID:

Oh, there's no need taking on like this.

ANN:

You were going to wait until we had another fight, and then throw me aside like a squeezed lemon!

DAVID:

In that dress, you're shaped more like an avocado. ...

ANN:

I've given you the best years of my life, and you were willing to go on and on. I've always had a suspicion about you. So did my mother! Your forehead slants back too much.

DAVID:

Well, at least I've got a forehead. Ann!

ANN:

Don't you touch me!

DAVID:

Oh, now listen, Annie--

ANN:

You get out of here!

DAVID:

Get out?!

ANN:

Go on, go on. You're not staying in this apartment.

DAVID:

Honey, we can't leave the bedroom until we've made up!

ANN:

You're not in the bedroom! Get out!

DAVID:

If you'll let me explain, Ann-- Stop pushing!

ANN:

You're going out of here. Take your coat.

DAVID:

Annie!

ANN:

And here's your hat.

DAVID:

Annie, let go! Stop!

ANN:

And never come back here. I never want to see you again as long as I live! Now get your hand out of that door!

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR SLAMS SHUT

DAVID:

Ouch!

SOUND:

KNOCKING ON DOOR

DAVID:

Annie! Annie! Either let me in or throw out my fingers! ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

In just a moment, Mr. DeMille and our stars, Bob Hope and Carole Lombard, will bring us Act Two of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." (BEAT) Well, here's Sally. She seems a little out of breath.

SALLY:

And so would you be, Mr. Ruick, if you'd been in the path of a young whirlwind for the last few days.

ANNOUNCER:

Why, Sally, you're just a young thing yourself. Who is this, uh, tornado that's got you down?

SALLY:

My little cousin Susie. She's just seventeen, just out of school and she's been visiting us. She's cute as a kitten's ear and is she popular! We thought some of having an extra phone put in just for the overflow messages.

ANNOUNCER:

(CHUCKLES) She sounds kind of like a Lux girl to me, Sally.

SALLY:

Listen to this, Mr. Ruick. The night Susie arrived, she was freshening up before dinner. First thing she did was to unwrap a cake of Lux Soap and start right in to tell me -- imagine, me! -- how to take an Active Lather facial.

ANNOUNCER:

Mmm, took the words right out of your mouth, Sally.

SALLY:

Susie says most of the girls at her school are Lux Soap fans. They're pretty smart, those young things. Sue says they find these Lux Soap facials are really swell, so they make a point of using them regularly. She said to me very seriously, "You know, Sally, if a girl wants lots of dates, she's just got to have a nice skin."

ANNOUNCER:

Well, your pretty little cousin has said something there, Sally. It's certainly true that men do respond to the charm of a soft, smooth skin. It makes a woman attractive at any age. Here in Hollywood, screen stars -- nine out of ten of them -- use Lux Toilet Soap regularly because this gentle soap is such a wonderful help in keeping complexions lovely. Well, Sally, how about telling the ladies in our audience how easy and quick it is to take a Lux Soap Active Lather facial?

SALLY:

With pleasure, Mr. Ruick. First, you smooth the Lux Soap lather lightly in. You'll love the way this rich, velvety-smooth lather caresses your skin. Next, rinse with warm water, followed by a dash of cool. Then pat the face dry with a soft towel. That's all. Yet you'll find Lux Soap's Active Lather has removed every trace of dust and dirt and stale cosmetics from your skin; left it feeling smoother and softer; looking so fresh. Try these Lux Soap facials every day for thirty days. See if you don't find them a wonderful beauty aide.

ANNOUNCER:

Thanks, Sally. And I'd like to add one word more. Remember, it just isn't possible to buy a finer toilet soap than this Beauty Soap of the Stars. Yet Lux Toilet Soap costs but a few cents a cake. Why not get three cakes of this fine, white soap tomorrow? (BEAT) Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille.

DEMILLE:

Act Two of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," starring Carole Lombard as Ann and Bob Hope as David, with Bill Goodwin as Chuck Benson.

MUSIC:

BRIEF INTRO ... THEN BEHIND DEMILLE--

DEMILLE:

Bag and baggage, David Smith has been tossed into the street by his own wife, who now considers herself Miss Annie Krausheimer. Homeless and weary, David wanders into his club downtown. In the steam room, he sits wrapped in a towel, staring into the clouds of mist. Through the fog comes another half-draped torso, Chuck Benson.

SOUND:

STEAM ROOM BACKGROUND ... HISS OF STEAM

BENSON:

Hiya, Dave. How goes it? Haven't seen you around the club in months.

DAVID:

(DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HIM) Oh, hello, uh--?

BENSON:

Benson, Chuck Benson. Don't you remember me? We were in the golf foursome in last year's tournament.

DAVID:

Oh, yes; how are you?

BENSON:

I'm fine; how're you?

DAVID:

Oh, I got a little kink in my arm. I think this steam ought to fix it.

BENSON:

Yeah, I had a fight with my wife, too. ...

DAVID:

Oh, it wasn't exactly a fight. We were drinking champagne and it went to my head, bottle and all. ...

BENSON:

Yeah, sure, same old story. But you know what I don't understand? Whenever two people have a fight, the woman goes home to her mother. Well, every time my wife and I have a fight, I have to get out of the house.

DAVID:

Huh. How do you get back?

BENSON:

Oh, it's the simplest thing in the world. Ignore it. Ignore the whole thing. Next day, they're glad to see you. I know, brother. I've had experience.

DAVID:

Hey, you're right. Say, I'll just go to the office. I won't even call her. She gets worried -- why don't I show up in the morning? By the time I get home tomorrow night-- (LAUGHS) Thanks, Chuck. You're a pal.

MUSIC:

BRIEF TRANSITION

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR BUZZER ... DOOR OPENS

DAVID:

(FRIENDLY) Hello, darling.

ANN:

(COOL) What do you want?

DAVID:

Now listen, Ann--

ANN:

Miss Krausheimer to you.

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

DAVID:

Ow!

MUSIC:

BRIEF TRANSITION

SOUND:

TRAFFIC BACKGROUND ... CARS, HONKING HORNS, ET CETERA

CABBIE:

Taxi, lady?

ANN:

Thank you.

SOUND:

CAB DOOR OPENS

ANN:

Thirty-Sixth Street and Fifth please.

CABBIE:

Okay.

SOUND:

CAB DOOR SHUTS ... CAB DRIVES OFF ... CAB ENGINE BACKGROUND

DAVID:

(FRIENDLY) Hello.

ANN:

(EVENLY) Oh, good morning, Mr. Smith. Is this your cab?

DAVID:

No, I was crossing the street and the lights changed. Say, Ann, are you gonna stop this silly farce or aren't you? I've got a lot of work piled up in the office. You let me come home, I'm willing not to discuss this any more.

ANN:

Well, that's very generous of you, but I won't be thrown crumbs by a crumb.

DAVID:

Now listen, you're my wife!

ANN:

Oh, no. We're not legally married, Duckie.

DAVID:

Well, then we're going to be legally married.

ANN:

Sorry, I haven't time. I'm learning the words to "The Hut-Sut Song." ...

DAVID:

Are you out of your mind? Why, why, think of my reputation.

ANN:

(CRACKS UP WITH LAUGHTER)

DAVID:

Well, why the laugh?

ANN:

I thought of your reputation. ... Legally, we're not married.

DAVID:

Oh, for--! All right, we'll get married! Does that suit you?

ANN:

"We'll get married!" That's a nice snarling proposal. Listen, you had a hard enough job getting me to marry you before, and I didn't know you then. But I do now, and how I know you! If anyone asks you, you're no bargain.

DAVID:

Well, what's the matter with me? Am I a cheapskate? Am I a dope? A fathead? A rat?

ANN:

Well, keep mentioning them. You're getting warm. ...

DAVID:

Well, name one thing about me you don't like.

ANN:

One thing?! My, aren't we vain? In the first place, I wish you'd go on a diet and get a little thinner.

DAVID:

Well, what for?

ANN:

Well, I'd like my girdle back. ...

DAVID:

Indian giver. ...

ANN:

And then what about that tar stuff you keep rubbing into your hair that smells up my whole bedroom?

DAVID:

Well, I'm only trying to keep my hair for you, and you're a fine one to talk -- going to bed with a head full of aluminum clips. Every time I woke up, I expected to find the government had turned you into an airplane. ...

ANN:

Well, you won't have to worry any more, Dearie!

DAVID:

Well, I'm not gonna stand for this and that's my last word on it!

ANN:

Well, it's nice to have met you.

DAVID:

All right, I'm not gonna support you. How do you like that?

ANN:

Fine!

DAVID:

I'm serious. I'm not gonna give you any money.

ANN:

Fine. I never liked asking you for money anyway. It was embarrassing watching you take off your shoe. ... You can keep it. (TO CABBIE) Right here, driver.

CABBIE:

Right.

DAVID:

I want you to know, I'm doing this reluctantly.

ANN:

Well, that suits me.

SOUND:

CAB PULLS TO CURB, DOOR OPENS, ENGINE OUT

ANN:

Here, driver; keep the change.

CABBIE:

T'anks, lady.

SOUND:

CAB DOOR CLOSES ... TRAFFIC BACKGROUND ... DAVID & ANN'S FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK, IN AGREEMENT WITH--

DAVID:

You're not very practical. How do you think you're gonna live? And your old lady, how is she gonna live?

ANN:

Look, Mr. Smith, do you see that department store? Well, since yesterday morning I've been employed in good standing, and they're gonna pay me every Saturday. Goodbye, Mr. Smith!

DAVID:

Wait, listen, Ann!

SOUND:

TRAFFIC BACKGROUND FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... DEPARTMENT STORE BACKGROUND FADES IN

FLOORWALKER:

(CHUCKLES) Good morning, sir. Are you looking for something?

DAVID:

Oh, yes, I am.

FLOORWALKER:

Can I help you, sir?

DAVID:

Yes, she's about five feet-- No, I'll find it myself.

FLOORWALKER:

I might be able to save you a lot of trouble. I'm very well acquainted with the merchandise.

DAVID:

Oh, thanks, but I'd rather find it myself. You just run along and water your carnation. ...

FLOORWALKER:

(CHUCKLES) You're embarrassed. Is it something in ladies' lingerie?

DAVID:

Yes, it's something in ladies' lingerie. ...

FLOORWALKER:

Well, you go right down the aisle there--

DAVID:

Now don't tell me! It's a game I'm playing.

FLOORWALKER:

(CHUCKLES) Oh, it's perfectly all right, sir. Perfectly, sir.

SOUND:

DAVID'S FOOTSTEPS TO ANN

DAVID:

Oh, there you are!

ANN:

(BUSINESSLIKE) Good morning. Anything I can do for you?

DAVID:

Ann, are you crazy, standing all day on your feet for eighteen dollars a week? Will you please do me a favor and come home? I've got a cake in the oven. ...

ANN:

I'm sorry, sir, I think you have the wrong department. We have nothing here for you.

DAVID:

Are you walking out of here peacefully, or do I have to carry you?

ANN:

(LOW) The manager's looking. (UP) Can I show you something else, sir?

DAVID:

All right, I'll carry you! Here. (STRAINS MIGHTILY) Mmmm. (BEAT) All right, I'll drag ya! ...

ANN:

Get away from me! Get--!

DAVID:

You're coming home! You're nothing but a silly little--!

ANN:

Let go, let go! You can't take me out of here! That's - that's shoplifting! ...

DAVID:

Come on!

FLOORWALKER:

(APPROACHES) Miss Krausheimer! Miss Krausheimer! What are you doing to the customer?

ANN:

I'm not doing anything! Look who's got who!

FLOORWALKER:

Sorry, sir, but I'll have to ask you to release our sales clerk.

DAVID:

You want to try to make me release her?

FLOORWALKER:

Well, if you're not pleased with this clerk, I'll be happy to get you another.

DAVID:

I'm pleased with her, and she's no clerk; she's my wife!

FLOORWALKER:

Your wife?

ANN:

I am not!

FLOORWALKER:

Miss Krausheimer, we understood you were a single woman. As an aid to the unemployment situation, it is our policy not to employ married women.

DAVID:

Good idea!

ANN:

I am not married!

SOUND:

DAVID AND ANN SCUFFLE

DAVID:

She's married all right! Did you ever see a single woman that could fight like this? Come on! ...

ANN:

Mr. Floogle, believe me--

FLOORWALKER:

Well, well, we'll have to take this up with the head of the department.

DAVID:

No, we don't. This way.

ANN:

Let me alone!

FLOORWALKER:

The showcase! Be careful!

ANN:

(SCREAMS)

SOUND:

CRASH! OF WOOD AND GLASS ... AS DAVID AND ANN SMASH INTO SHOWCASE

BIZ:

DEPARTMENT STORE CROWD REACTS AND BUZZES IN BG

FLOORWALKER:

Are you hurt?

DAVID:

No, but this is the first time I ever wore a corset for a hat. ...

FLOORWALKER:

(CALLS) Store detectives! Store detectives! Quick, quick!

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND

DETECTIVE:

(IRISH ACCENT) Now get out and stay out, and don't come back in this store again! (MOVING OFF) That goes for the both of ya!

ANN:

Well! I'm fired. Are you satisfied now?

DAVID:

Listen, I have an appointment in the office at two o'clock. Are you gonna make up with me?

ANN:

No, I'm not gonna make up with you ever.

DAVID:

For heaven's sakes, Ann, what do you want? I had a chance to get out of our marriage, didn't I? But now I want to get back. Doesn't that convince you I still want to be married to you?

ANN:

I'm very flattered, but I don't want to marry you. I've thought the whole thing over and I'm not interested.

DAVID:

Well, what's the matter with me?!

ANN:

Well, I don't like your temper; you're too jealous; you're always knocking people down.

DAVID:

Oh, now, wait, if you're referring to last New Year's Eve, that midget had no right to--

OFFICER:

Move along there, move along.

DAVID:

Just a minute, officer.

OFFICER:

You heard what I said. Move along. You're blocking traffic.

DAVID:

Why don't you go someplace and steal an apple?

ANN:

(TAUNTING, TO DAVID) Go on, hit him, why don't you? Knock him down. Go on.

OFFICER:

Madam, I wouldn't advise your friend to hit a cop in this town.

ANN:

But I'm on your side, officer. I don't even know this man.

OFFICER:

Oh, you don't, huh?

DAVID:

She does so! She's married to me -- illegally! ...

OFFICER:

Run along, buddy. Go visit Columbus Circle.

DAVID:

Listen--

OFFICER:

(SAVAGELY) Go on! Before I run you in! Beat it!

DAVID:

(MEEKLY RETREATS) Oh, a bully. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

JEFF:

I postponed the Amanda case for you, David, and I set back the Duffy hearing.

DAVID:

Oh, that's fine, just fine, Jeff, thanks.

JEFF:

(CAREFULLY) David, er, I'd like to ask you to do something.

DAVID:

Oh, well, what is it? Anything you want, you know--

JEFF:

Well, I'd like you to drop in at your own home tonight after dinner.

DAVID:

Well, what do you mean?

JEFF:

Well, I've taken matters into my own hands. I've asked Ann to have me to dinner. She's fond of me, and she knows I'm fond of her, and, well, I think I can straighten it out. I hope it is something I can straighten out.

DAVID:

Oh, why, certainly. It was nothing; one of those little domestic squabbles. It was really nothing.

JEFF:

I imagined it was that. Why, you're too fine to do anything shoddy.

DAVID:

Aw, thanks, Jeff.

JEFF:

I want you to just drop in, unannounced, at about, uh, shall we say nine o'clock?

DAVID:

(TOUCHED) Oh, Jeff, I can't speak. It's just like my Adam's apple had four sons. ...

JEFF:

That's all right, David.

DAVID:

Jeff, you're the best friend a man ever had. We've been closer together than Gene Autry and his guitar. ...

JEFF:

Well, we're partners, David.

DAVID:

You're the best law partner a man ever had!

JEFF:

We were school chums.

DAVID:

And you were the best full-back Alabama ever had. I always said Henkel was a greater back, but I was wrong. Henkel couldn't touch you.

JEFF:

Thanks, David, thanks.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

LILY:

In here, Mr. Smith.

DAVID:

Oh, thanks.

LILY:

Mr. Smith, madam.

SOUND:

DOOR SHUTS AS LILY EXITS

JEFF:

Hello, David.

DAVID:

Oh, hello, Jeff. Oh, hello, Ann; how are you, dear?

ANN:

Talk to my lawyer.

DAVID:

Your lawyer? What lawyer?

JEFF:

Ann's asked me to represent her in this matter, David.

DAVID:

Well, what for?

JEFF:

Oh, I've been telling her she doesn't need a lawyer.

DAVID:

Oh, well, I'll say she doesn't!

JEFF:

(CHUCKLES) Because, as I understand the facts, you two aren't legally married at all.

ANN:

There you are.

DAVID:

What?!

JEFF:

So there's nothing for the court to decide.

ANN:

This happened before in Peterson versus Peterson, and Jeff says even the Supreme Court threw it out.

DAVID:

Jeff, what's the matter with you?! You said--!

ANN:

He said you were lucky this isn't the South and that I'm not his sister! ...

DAVID:

What?!

JEFF:

Now, David--

DAVID:

(LOUD) Why, you hillbilly ambulance chaser! You Blackstone blackguard! Wait till the Bar Association hears about this!

ANN:

If I open the window, they will! ...

JEFF:

There's no need losing our tempers.

DAVID:

We're married, if not legally then morally, and there is such a thing as common law, you know!

JEFF:

I don't deny there's a kind of common law relationship between you.

DAVID:

Thank you.

ANN:

Tell him the whole thing, Jeff.

JEFF:

However, the woman is given the benefit of any difficulties arising out of such a relationship. For instance, should you die, as a wife she is entitled to share in the husband's estate.

DAVID:

Well, why should she wait? I'll give her one room of furniture and my pivot tooth now. ...

JEFF:

Furthermore, should the woman care to halt this relationship and marry someone else, she is entitled to do so; Peterson versus Peterson, Adams versus Kelly, and Gimbel versus New Pennsylvania Coal Company.

DAVID:

I didn't know they were going together. ... You're supposed to be my best friend and you tell her a thing like that?!

JEFF:

David, I have never taken advantage of our friendship, by word or deed, and it's only because you're standing here that I can now ask Ann-- (TO ANN) Ann, would you care to have dinner with me tomorrow night?

ANN:

Where, Jeff?

DAVID:

Ann, don't go with him. Come to dinner with me. I'll spare no expense! You can name your own drive-in. ...

ANN:

Where shall we go, Jeff?

DAVID:

Ann, I'm asking you to come to your senses and marry me tomorrow. If you have dinner with him tomorrow instead, well, this is final; we're through.

ANN:

What time, Jeff?

DAVID:

All right, we're through, Ann. From now on, we're just friends, just ships that pass in the night. And if Jeff is ever with you, make sure he's convoyed. ...

ANN:

That's not necessary. The Stork Club all right, Jeff?

JEFF:

Anywhere you say. I'll call for you at eight.

ANN:

That'll be fine. Good night.

JEFF:

Good night.

DAVID:

Good night, Ann.

ANN:

(COOL) Good night.

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS DAVID AND JEFF EXIT INTO HALL

JEFF:

(BEAT) Well, David?

DAVID:

(WITH CONTEMPT) Comparing yourself with Henkel as a football player. You couldn't carry Henkel's water bucket!

JEFF:

Sorry you feel that way, old man. (MOVING OFF) Good night.

DAVID:

(CALLS AFTER HIM) On second thought, maybe you could, you two-quart drip! ...

SOUND:

DAVID KNOCKS ON APARTMENT DOOR

ANN:

(BEHIND DOOR) Who is it?

SOUND:

MORE KNOCKING

ANN:

(BEHIND DOOR) Who is it?

DAVID:

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Elevator boy, ma'am.

ANN:

(BEHIND DOOR) Sure enough?

DAVID:

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Sho' 'nough, elevator boy.

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR OPENS

DAVID:

Ha ha ha, fooled you, hah?

ANN:

Yeah, but the boy's name is O'Brien.

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR SLAMS!

DAVID:

Ow! My nose! My nose!

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR OPENS

ANN:

What's the matter?

DAVID:

You hit my nose with the door.

ANN:

So I did. It's bleeding, too. Good night.

SOUND:

APARTMENT DOOR SLAMS

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

BENSON:

Well, now, I'll tell you, when a man comes to the club for one night, that's nothing. When he comes back all week, that's trouble. Go ahead, Dave, take another drink.

DAVID:

Hey, Benson, are you sure this is good for a nosebleed?

BENSON:

Oh, best thing. I always use it. But then, I don't know, I use it for everything. ... Oh, that reminds me, I got to make a call.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... ROTARY DIALING BEHIND--

DAVID:

I'm kind of a dummy, you know?

BENSON:

Uh huh.

DAVID:

The worst thing I could do is chase her. Let her have a week or ten days without me. After ten days with her mother, even I'll look good.

BENSON:

Uh huh. ...

DAVID:

She's used to me. She can never even get to sleep until I get home. I'm just her big box of Ovaltine.

BENSON:

(INTO PHONE) Oh, hello? Hello, Gloria? Well, hiya, Gloria. (BEAT) Oh, yeah? And I'm kissing you back. (THREE SMOOCHES -- KISS! KISS! KISS!) Hah? Jimmy? This is no Jimmy! This is Chuckie! (ASIDE, TO DAVID) Wonderful girl, Dave. Society girl, real class. (INTO PHONE) Say, Gloria, how 'bout tomorrow night? 'Atta girl. Listen, uh, I got a friend. How about Gertrude? (TO DAVID) Oh, you'll like Gertrude, Dave.

DAVID:

Me? Gertrude?

BENSON:

(INTO PHONE) Oh, this is a great fella, Gloria. Society fella, real class. Uh, put Gertie on.

DAVID:

Say, I don't think I'd better--

BENSON:

Well, now, don't be a sap. She's beautiful! (INTO PHONE) Hello, Gertie? Listen, I got you a great little dinner partner for tomorrow night, but he kinda needs cheering up -- you know what I mean? (BEAT) Okay. (TO DAVID) Here, she wants to talk to you, Dave.

DAVID:

Oh, me? Well, I-- (INTO PHONE, VERY NERVOUS) Hello, Gertie. (TO BENSON) Hey, she's kissing at me. ...

BENSON:

Kiss her back.

DAVID:

Well, I don't know her.

BENSON:

Oh, it's all for laughs. She's a great kid.

DAVID:

Well-- (INTO PHONE, SIX SMOOCHES) ... Huh? Well, how can you tell you're crazy about me? (BEAT) Oh, it's just an average voice. (BEAT) Yes, I used to sing a little. (NERVOUS, HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE) ...

BENSON:

Gimme the phone. (INTO PHONE) What did I tell you, Gertie, huh? Great fella, huh? Eight o'clock? (TO DAVID) Where shall we make it, Dave?

DAVID:

Stork Club.

BENSON:

(INTO PHONE) How 'bout the Stork Club? (BEAT) Okay. (FOUR SMOOCHES) Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

BENSON:

Aw, wait till you see 'em, Dave. They're terrific. Real society girls.

DAVID:

You know, she said she liked my voice! (NERVOUS, HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RESTAURANT BACKGROUND ... BUZZ OF DINERS, ET CETERA

MAITRE D:

Good evening, sir. Are you looking for someone?

DAVID:

Uh, yeah, the Chuck Benson party.

MAITRE D:

Yes, sir, they're expecting you. Right this way.

BENSON:

(OFF) Hey, hey, David my boy!

DAVID:

Hey, Chuck!

BENSON:

Well, here he is, girls, in the flesh. Hiya, Dave.

DAVID:

Hi, Chuck.

BENSON:

Girls, I want you to meet Dave. Dave, this is the girls.

GLORIA:

(HIGH NASAL VOICE) Hello, big boy.

GERTIE:

(NOO YAWK ACCENT) How are ya, toots? What's been keepin' ya? Sit down and park the body! (LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY, AS IF THIS WERE THE FUNNIEST THING EVER)

GLORIA:

(JOINS IN OBNOXIOUS LAUGHTER) ...

DAVID:

(DISBELIEF) Hey, Chuck, is this--? I mean, are these the--?

BENSON:

Why, sure. This is the young lady who liked your voice, Dave.

DAVID:

Young lady? (CHUCKLES) You can get six-to-one in the winner books she doesn't finish out the winter. ...

BENSON:

Gloria O'Day and Gertie Schultz. Gertie's for you, Dave.

DAVID:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, thanks.

GERTIE:

(CHUCKLES) Come on, tall, dark, and ski-nosed, sit down and slap on the feedbag.

DAVID:

(SELF-CONSCIOUS) Well, look, isn't this a little crowded? I mean, can't we go to some quieter place, where it's darker?

GERTIE:

Hold it, Cookie; we're eatin' first. Have you ever been here?

DAVID:

Often, that's why I want to go to a dark place.

GERTIE:

I don't get it.

DAVID:

Well, food doesn't agree with my stomach, so I get even on it, I don't let it see what I'm eating. ...

GERTIE:

Oh, you got an upset stomach, huh? I wonder what coulda done it.

DAVID:

Are you kiddin'? ...

GERTIE:

(CALLS) Hey, waiter? Waiter, bring the bottle here and leave it, will ya?

WAITER:

Yes, madam.

BENSON:

(CACKLES) Some kid, huh, Dave?

GERTIE:

Let him talk for himself. (BEAT, TO DAVID) Well, why don't you say somethin'?

DAVID:

I will. I'm trying to find a way to clean it up. ...

GERTIE:

Say, take a gander at this menu! (PRONOUNCED "MEN-oo")

GLORIA:

Yeah, it's written all in French.

GERTIE:

Hm! Just puttin' on the dog for the fancy prices. Look. "Oeufs"! That's eggs.

DAVID:

(DISTRACTED) What's that?

GERTIE:

"Oeufs," it's eggs. No kiddin', I was here once before.

DAVID:

Say, it's awfully hot in here, Chuck. I know a place that's cool--

BENSON:

Now, listen, don't rush it. We're stuck for the cover charge anyway. Now, take it easy, Dave.

MUSIC:

DANCE BAND PLAYS A TUNE ... CONTINUES IN BG

ANN:

Jeff? Jeff, isn't that David over there?

JEFF:

Where, Ann? Oh. Oh, yes, yes, it is.

ANN:

(NERVOUS LAUGH) Who's he with? Is that girl a client of yours?

JEFF:

Uhhhh, no, I never saw her before.

ANN:

Cute, isn't she? A little muscular, but cute. ...

JEFF:

Say, he knew we were coming here. He's just trying to make you jealous. See? He's looking this way now.

ANN:

Well, just ignore him. Laugh, Jeff.

JEFF:

What?

ANN:

Well, laugh. Laugh. Make him think we're having a good time. (LOUD, FORCED LAUGHTER)

JEFF:

(UNDERSTANDS) Oh, oh. (JOINS IN THE LOUD FORCED LAUGHTER)

ANN:

(LOUD, FOR DAVID'S SAKE) Oh, Jeff, you're wonderful! I just adore the things you say! (LOW AND CONTEMPTUOUS) Trying to make me jealous, is he? (LOUD FORCED LAUGHTER, THEN LOW AGAIN) Ohhh, with that lady wrestler he's got with him. I'd like to tell him what I think of him.

JEFF:

But I thought you were going to ignore him.

ANN:

I am. As a matter of fact, I'm going over there and ignore him with a large plate.

JEFF:

Ann! Come back. (MOVING OFF) Ann!

MUSIC:

DANCE TUNE FILLS A BRIEF PAUSE ... FADES OUT BEHIND--

SOUND:

FADE IN GLORIA & GERTIE LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY ... OUT WITH--

DAVID:

(SEES ANN APPROACH, QUICKLY) Excuse me, I've got to leave.

BENSON:

Aw, sit down, Dave. Sit down.

GERTIE:

Sure, sit down.

DAVID:

I can't, I-- (FAKES A NOSEBLEED) Look, my nose! My nose is bleeding. I have to go home. Good night.

GERTIE:

Oh, his nose is bleedin'. He can't leave like that.

BENSON:

Now take it easy, Dave.

DAVID:

Let go!

GERTIE:

I got a cure for nosebleeds. Lay him out on the table, Chuck.

DAVID:

Oh, no!

BENSON:

Yeah, yeah, on the table, Dave.

DAVID:

No, stop it! I've got to--

GERTIE:

Give me a cold knife.

BENSON:

Yeah, cold knife.

DAVID:

Let go!

BENSON:

(WITH EFFORT) Up you go.

SOUND:

CRASH! OF DAVID LAID OUT ON DINNER TABLE ... DISHES RATTLE

BENSON:

There we are.

GERTIE:

A cold knife! Give me a cold knife!

DAVID:

Let me up!

BENSON:

Gertie'll fix ya, Dave. Now, lay down.

DAVID:

No! Listen--!

MAITRE D:

What's the matter here?

WAITER:

Some punk got punched in the nose.

DAVID:

Oh, let me out of here!

ANN:

(DRY) Hello, David?

DAVID:

(EMBARRASSED) Ann.

ANN:

Anything I can do for you?

DAVID:

Oh, it's all a mistake. You see, this girl--

ANN:

Oh, yes, I think she's rather pretty. Is that her own hair, or has somebody been unraveling a cigar? ...

GERTIE:

Stand back, sister. Who do you think you are?

DAVID:

Oh, listen, she's my--

GERTIE:

I know what she is! Tryin' to move in on my guy, huh? Go on, beat it.

ANN:

(LAUGHS) Of course. Good night, David. (MOVING OFF) Have a nice hangover.

DAVID:

(MISERABLE) Ohhhhh---

GERTIE:

Here ya are, honey. This cold knife'll fix ya up.

DAVID:

Yeah, just cut my throat with it. ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MUSIC:

LUX SIGNATURE FILLS THE PAUSE ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

After a brief intermission, Mr. DeMille presents Bob Hope and Carole Lombard in Act Three of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." (BEAT) And now, while we're waiting, let's listen in on a typical late afternoon scene at the Joneses.

SOUND:

NOISY BUZZ OF CHILDREN'S TOY ... THEN BEHIND--

MRS. JONES:

Mary Lou! Please stop playing with that horrible thing! Let Mommy give you your bath! Mary Lou, give Mommy that whirligig this instant! Now, listen, dear, please! You know Mommy has to have time for her beauty bath, too!

MUSIC:

FOR A LUXURIOUS BEAUTY BATH ... THEN OUT

MRS. JONES:

Mmmmmm! A nice warm bath with a nice fresh cake of Lux Soap.

SOUND:

CAKE OF SOAP UNWRAPPED

MRS. JONES:

Oh, goodness, this feels good; all this creamy Active Lather. It feels so sort of soothing some way. And, oh, but it leaves such a wonderful fragrance on my skin. There's certainly nothing like a Lux Soap beauty bath to make me feel like new -- even after such a hectic day as this. Now, a good rubdown -- clean things -- and I'll be fresh as a daisy.

MUSIC:

FOR BEING FRESH AS A DAISY ... THEN OUT

MR. JONES:

(OFF) Hello, honey?!

SOUND:

A FEW FOOTSTEPS IN

MR. JONES:

(CLOSER) Ah, here she is -- all dressed up and looking mighty sweet, too. Well, looks like I'll have to have a kiss right now. (THEY KISS, LOVINGLY) Darling--

ANNOUNCER:

Clever woman, Mrs. Jones. Far too clever to let her husband find her, after his hard day, worn, cross, and disheveled. She knows she can depend on Lux Toilet Soap's creamy Active Lather to carry away perspiration, every trace of dust and dirt; make her sure of perfect daintiness, the charm that men adore. Leave her skin delicately perfumed, too, with a fragrance that clings. Why don't you adopt this delightful way to make sure of daintiness, of skin that's sweet? A daily Lux Toilet Soap beauty bath is a luxury that you'll enjoy -- an inexpensive luxury, for Lux Toilet Soap costs only a few cents, especially if you buy it three cakes at a time, the economical way. Get three cakes tomorrow. (BEAT) Now, Mr. DeMille returns to the microphone.

DEMILLE:

The curtain rises on the Third Act of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

MUSIC:

BRIEF INTRO ... THEN BEHIND DEMILLE--

DEMILLE:

For a solid week, David has been following Ann. By night, by day, by taxicab, by ferryboat, he's trailed her jealously. And now the trail has lead, of all places, to David's office.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR SHUTS

SECRETARY:

Good afternoon, Mr. Smith.

DAVID:

Hello. Where's my wife?

SECRETARY:

Well, she--

DAVID:

She came up here, I saw her. Where is she, in my office?

SECRETARY:

No, sir, she's in Mr. Custer's office.

DAVID:

Oh.

SECRETARY:

Mr. Custer's parents just arrived from the South. They surprised him.

DAVID:

You mean they're in there now?

SECRETARY:

Yes, sir.

DAVID:

Thanks.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

BIZ:

JEFF, ANN AND THE CUSTERS MURMUR AMONG THEMSELVES ... OUT BEHIND--

JEFF:

(UNEASY) Oh, oh, er-- Oh, hello, David.

DAVID:

(FRIENDLY, FOR THE CUSTERS' BENEFIT) Hello, Jeff. Excuse me just a minute, folks. Uh, Jeff, what're we going to do about poor old Connelly? His case is coming up soon and--

MRS. CUSTER:

Why, you must be David Smith!

MR. CUSTER:

Jefferson's partner!

JEFF:

(AWKWARD) Uh, uh, folks, this is David Smith. My parents, David.

DAVID:

Oh, how do you do?

MRS. CUSTER:

How do you do?

DAVID:

I'm happy to know you.

MR. CUSTER:

Pleasure's all ours.

MRS. CUSTER:

Ann dear, this is Mr. Smith, Jefferson's partner. (TO DAVID) Miss Ann Krausheimer, Mr. Smith.

ANN:

Oh, we met some time ago.

DAVID:

Yes, we used to be roommates. ...

MR. CUSTER:

Sit right down, my boy. Sit right down. We'll get acquainted at once. You know, Mr. Smith, Mother and I just met Ann, and we find out now that she and Jeff are both mighty sweet on each other.

MRS. CUSTER:

Ashley!

MR. CUSTER:

Why, David probably knows it better than we do. Don't you, David?

DAVID:

Well, if it wasn't for me, they'd never even gotten together. I played Cupid! (HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE, COUGHS) Caught cold doing it. ...

MRS. CUSTER:

Oh, that's so romantic.

MR. CUSTER:

Any of your family from the South, Miss Krausheimer?

ANN:

Well, no, not exactly, but in the Civil War I had a relative in the North who didn't fight at all. He was a slacker.

MR. CUSTER:

A great many Northerners saw it that way, ma'am, and I gave them credit.

MRS. CUSTER:

You know what I was thinking?

ANN:

What, Mrs. Custer?

MRS. CUSTER:

If two people wanted to go on a honeymoon, they could take the boat to New Orleans and motor right up through the South to our home.

MR. CUSTER:

A boat's a wonderful place for two people.

DAVID:

Oh, that wouldn't be so good for Ann, would it, dear? Remember how sick you got when we took the night boat to Albany?

ANN:

(THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) Shut up.

DAVID:

No, she's not a very good sailor, Jeff, and I can give you some practical advice -- just put her to bed and put a hot water bottle on her stomach and hold it there no matter how she hollers. That settles her stomach. (LAUGHS)

ANN:

(FORCED CHUCKLE, EXPLAINS) He - he considers himself quite a medical authority.

MR. CUSTER:

(UNEASY CHUCKLE) Yes.

ANN:

Well, how do you like New York, Mrs. Custer?

MRS. CUSTER & DAVID:

Oh, all right for a visit, but I wouldn't want to live here. ...

MRS. CUSTER:

Anyway, we're not staying here. We're on our way to Lake Placid.

DAVID:

Oh, great idea. I was thinking of getting away for some winter sports myself. Ah, that reminds me, Ann, shouldn't my laundry be back? I'm all out of shorts.

ANN:

Are you?

DAVID:

Yes, and lately I've been caught in the draft. ...

JEFF:

(FEEBLE EXPLANATION) Ann - Ann kind of took care of his things around the house.

ANN:

(WEAKLY) Little household things.

MR. CUSTER:

(STERN) Jefferson, may I see you in private, please? Come, mother.

MRS. CUSTER:

Jeff dear?

JEFF:

(MEEKLY) Coming, Mother. I'll be right back, Ann. Excuse me. (MOVING OFF) Now listen, Dad, it--

MR. CUSTER:

(OFF) You listen to me--

BIZ:

JEFF AND THE CUSTERS START ARGUING OFF MIKE ... CUT OFF WITH--

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR SLAMS SHUT

DAVID:

Hello.

ANN:

Are you satisfied now? Are you satisfied to take two fine people like that, whose whole lives are wrapped up in their son, and make them unhappy?

DAVID:

Well, what about me being unhappy? My whole life was wrapped up in you, then you, the paper, and the string all walk out on me.

ANN:

All you ever think about is yourself. I can't see how you could've been associated with Jeff so long and not have picked up some of his fine qualities.

DAVID:

What's fine about them?

ANN:

Well, he's simple and kind and gentle.

DAVID:

You can leave out those last two words. And since when were you so crazy about this "gentle" act? Shall I recall for you how I got this scar on my chin? With a bed lamp! Now listen, Ann--

ANN:

I'm sorry, David, but you're wasting your time.

DAVID:

Ann, you can't marry that - that lawyer, not after what we've meant to each other.

ANN:

I'm going to marry him! If you try to interfere again, I'll - I'll--

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS

JEFF:

Ann?

ANN:

Oh, Jeff, is it all right?

JEFF:

No, no. Not yet, but it will be. We're going to meet them at Lake Placid.

ANN:

Oh, Jeff.

JEFF:

Now don't worry, don't worry. And, as for you, David, you're not playing the game, old man.

DAVID:

I resent that. I am playing the game, old man. Of course I'm using loaded dice. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CRUNCH OF FOOTSTEPS IN THE SNOW

PORTER:

Their cabins are right over here, sir.

DAVID:

Ah, which is Miss Krausheimer's cabin?

PORTER:

Number Ten, sir, there. Number Nine is Mr. and Mrs. Custer, and Number Eight is Mr. Jefferson Custer. It's pretty far from the main lodge out here, but it's nice and quiet. Now can I show you the other cabins?

DAVID:

No, thanks, that's all. I'll wait for Miss Krausheimer.

PORTER:

Yes, sir, but I think everybody's out skiing, sir, and, uh--

DAVID:

Ah, fine. Go ahead, son. I'll wait for them right here.

PORTER:

Uh, Mr. Smith, you're not going to sit down in the snow?

DAVID:

Why not? I like to sit in the snow. My whole family sat in the snow.

PORTER:

Your whole family?

DAVID:

Well, my brother was a midget. He sat on ice cubes. ... Go away, will you? This is a free country, isn't it? If I want to sit in the snow, let me sit in the snow. I'm a penguin, so what?! Go on! Beat it!

PORTER:

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CRUNCH OF FOOTSTEPS IN THE SNOW

ANN:

Oh, Jeff, it was glorious. (INHALES DEEPLY) The snow smells so wonderful.

JEFF:

(CHUCKLES) No one can smell snow, Ann.

ANN:

I can! Jeff, who's that?

JEFF:

Where?

ANN:

Well, someone's lying there in the snow.

DAVID:

(GROANS) Ohhh.

JEFF:

He seems to be sick.

SOUND:

CRUNCH OF FOOTSTEPS IN THE SNOW

ANN:

Jeff! It's David!

DAVID:

(COMICAL GROAN) Ohh-- ...

ANN:

(SYMPATHETIC, WORRIED) Oh, he - he must've fainted!

JEFF:

Stand back, dear.

ANN:

Oh, look at him. He looks terribly ill.

JEFF:

Mm, he seems to have quite an even pulse.

DAVID:

(DISMISSIVE GROAN) Ohhh! ...

ANN:

Well, don't let him soak there! Carry him into your cabin.

JEFF:

(WITH EFFORT) All right. Grab his legs, Ann.

ANN:

(WITH EFFORT) I got him. Go easy now, Jeff, easy.

JEFF:

(WITH EFFORT) Right.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS FROM SNOW ONTO WOODEN PORCH AND THROUGH CABIN DOOR

ANN:

(WITH EFFORT) What could've happened to him? Oh, look out for his head.

JEFF:

Yes.

ANN:

Oh, poor, David.

JEFF:

He'll be all right now. Don't worry.

ANN:

(NERVOUS) Well, he doesn't seem to be breathing.

JEFF:

Ann, control yourself.

ANN:

Put him on the bed.

JEFF:

Lift now. One, two, three.

BIZ:

ANN AND JEFF STRAIN WITH EFFORT ... THEN SIGH IN RELIEF

ANN:

He's frozen. Look at him. He's blue with cold.

JEFF:

Well, he's breathing fine now. I think a few hours sleep will bring him around.

ANN:

Do you really think so?

JEFF:

Sure, come on now, old man. Wake up, old man.

DAVID:

(FEIGNS DELIRIOUSNESS) We'll go away the first two weeks in December.

JEFF:

What did he say?

ANN:

I don't know.

DAVID:

(REPEATS HELPFULLY) The first two weeks in December. ...

JEFF:

What's he mean?

ANN:

(FOND MEMORY) Oh, we were coming up here the first two weeks in December.

JEFF:

Oh.

DAVID:

You'll be crazy about it, Ann. Two weeks in the snow; we'll have a lot of fun. Look out, Ann! Don't fall down.

ANN:

(TOUCHED) Oh, he thinks we're skiing.

DAVID:

You're very graceful, Ann. Don't go so fast next time. I don't want you to get hurt.

ANN:

Oh, isn't that terrible?

DAVID:

Watch out for the tree! Watch out! ...

ANN:

Jeff? Jeff, look, he's - he's opening his eyes.

JEFF:

Hello. Hello, David. Hello, old man.

DAVID:

Hello, Ann.

JEFF:

No, no, no. ... No, David, this is Jeff.

ANN:

I'm Ann, David -- here.

DAVID:

Oh, hello, Jeff. ... Don't you think Ann needs a shave? ...

JEFF:

Say, he's in bad shape.

ANN:

David, don't you remember me? Try and think, David. This is Ann, Annie.

JEFF:

This is Jeff, your old school chum, Jefferson.

DAVID:

Jefferson, I'll never forget you in that little blue dress. ...

JEFF:

I don't get it.

ANN:

Oh, that's the dress I was wearing when I met him. I told you about it. He liked me in that.

JEFF:

Look, he's closing his eyes again. I think we ought to let him rest.

DAVID:

(WEIRD GARGLING SOUND) ...

ANN:

What's the matter? That's not the [death] rattle, is it?

JEFF:

I don't think so. I wish I could hear it again.

DAVID:

(REPEATS WEIRD GARGLING SOUND HELPFULLY) ...

JEFF:

No. No, he's just clearing his throat.

ANN:

Oh, he looks awful. (SYMPATHETIC) Oh, David! David!

JEFF:

Easy now, Ann. Let him sleep a few hours.

ANN:

Well, do you think we ought to leave him?

JEFF:

Oh, he'll be all right. Come on outside, I - I want to talk to you.

SOUND:

CABIN DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

JEFF:

Ann?

ANN:

Yes, Jeff?

JEFF:

Ann, a woman can't control herself entirely by her head. You've had three years with David and, whether you realize it or not, there's a bond between you that's not easily broken.

ANN:

Well, people get divorced. Jeff, I'm worried about--

JEFF:

It's true that I think you'd be better off with me, but-- Well, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. Take back your promise to marry me and think about it for a few days.

ANN:

Jeff, I don't think a person ever existed as fine and generous as you are. Don't you think we ought to see how David's getting along?

JEFF:

We'll only wake him.

ANN:

Well, I'll see if he's still asleep. I'll look through the window.

SOUND:

ANN'S FOOTSTEPS ACROSS WOODEN PORCH

JEFF:

Well?

ANN:

(FURIOUS) Why, the--!

JEFF:

What's the matter?

ANN:

Look at him! He's sitting up! He - he's a faker! I'll kill him for this!

JEFF:

Easy, Ann. Easy.

ANN:

Let me at him.

JEFF:

Ann!

ANN:

You wait out here. I want to take care of this alone.

JEFF:

Wait a minute. He's lying down again.

ANN:

Acting, acting. I'll show him some acting!

JEFF:

Ann, don't bother with him.

ANN:

Let me alone. I'll be right back.

SOUND:

CABIN DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

ANN:

(FEIGNS SYMPATHY) David?

DAVID:

(FEIGNS DELIRIOUSNESS) Oh-- ...

ANN:

Oh, poor David. You're so sick, aren't you?

DAVID:

Oh-- ...

ANN:

David, please look at me. I'm so sorry for everything, darling. I've treated you horribly. Your poor face is so thin and worn.

DAVID:

Oh-- ...

ANN:

That - that scar on your chin; I did that. I picked up a bed lamp and I hit you with it. LIKE THIS!

SOUND:

LAMP CRASHING AND GLASS BREAKING!

DAVID:

(IN PAIN) Oh! Yow!

ANN:

Yah, yah, yah! That woke you up, didn't it?

DAVID:

My head! You've cut--! What's the matter with you?!

ANN:

I'll tell you! You've been found out, you beast! I should've known it was all too convenient, your being up here.

DAVID:

Look here, Ann--

ANN:

The big sympathy act! Coming up here and pretending you're on a bat!

DAVID:

I love ya, Ann!

ANN:

Listen to me, David, you pick up and get out of here. I don't ever want to lay eyes on you again. You're just making a nuisance of yourself.

DAVID:

Oh, am I?

ANN:

Yes, and-- Get your hands off me!

DAVID:

Ann, I don't care what you say. I tell you, you're in love with me!

ANN:

I tell you, you're crazy!

DAVID:

Ann, I'm not gonna give up till the last minute!

ANN:

This is the last minute!

DAVID:

You're mine and you belong to me! You couldn't have anything to do with that - that pile of fried chicken out there. ...

ANN:

Well, that's what you think. He's twice the man you'll ever be, and we're going to get married.

DAVID:

Okay. If that's the way you want it, I won't stand in your way. I've done all I can, but now I'm through. I'm all washed up. Go ahead! Marry the guy, and I hope you'll be very, very unhappy.

ANN:

Thank you.

DAVID:

There's only one thing I'd like to say to you before I leave. You're a spoiled, selfish brat, and I'd like to take you across my knee and give you what you deserve!

ANN:

Ha!

DAVID:

I should've done it years ago.

ANN:

You just try it.

DAVID:

Maybe if I had, you'd know how to behave.

ANN:

Get away from me!

SOUND:

RATTLE OF GLASS LAMP

DAVID:

Put that lamp down.

ANN:

Make me!

DAVID:

All right, I'll make ya!

SOUND:

SCUFFLE

ANN:

Let me go! Put me down! Put me down, do you hear?!

DAVID:

I'll teach you, young lady!

ANN:

(HOLLERS) Jeff! Jeff!

SOUND:

CABIN DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS ... SCUFFLE ENDS

JEFF:

Just what is this?

ANN:

Put me down! Oh, Jeff, he was going to choke me.

JEFF:

He was?

DAVID:

Come on, Jeff. Join the fun.

ANN:

Here, you take a lamp too, Jeff.

JEFF:

I don't need a lamp.

DAVID:

You'd better take it, 'cause I'm thinking of taking one! ...

JEFF:

I forgive you, David. I forgive you for everything.

ANN:

(STUNNED) Jeff?! You're not gonna hit him?

JEFF:

No, Ann. I've always thought that violence shows a lack of character.

ANN:

(DISBELIEF) You mean you're not gonna do anything to him?

JEFF:

Would you respect me more if I knocked him down?

ANN:

Would I?! You big blubber! What kind of a man are you? How could you be in love with a woman and let someone manhandle her?

SOUND:

CABIN DOOR OPENS

MR. CUSTER:

Hello, son.

ANN:

You ought to be ashamed!

JEFF:

Hello, Dad.

MRS. CUSTER:

Did you have a nice day, Jeff?

ANN:

You call yourself a man?!

JEFF:

Hello, mother.

ANN:

You're nothing but a coward!

MR. CUSTER:

What's this?

ANN:

You and your fancy ideals!

MRS. CUSTER:

Jeff dear?

ANN:

That's what you are, a coward. Why, he's only half your size. I bet he could lick you with one hand behind his back!

MRS. CUSTER:

Jeff!

JEFF:

Ann, do you realize you're raising your voice?

ANN:

CERTAINLY I'M RAISING MY VOICE!

DAVID:

Go on, I've been married to her! She starts at that pitch! ...

JEFF:

Oh, Ann, I never saw you acting like this. I - I thought you were a gentle type of girl.

DAVID:

Very gentle; all you have to do is hold her off with a whip and a chair. ...

MR. CUSTER:

Jefferson, I forbid you to marry this - this woman.

ANN:

You forbid him to marry me?!

JEFF:

Now, Ann--

ANN:

Listen to me, you stuffed-shirt! Even a mouse has enough backbone to fight sometimes. You know, taking your hat off in an elevator doesn't make you a man. You can teach a monkey to do that! And I'll take a monkey any day -- whether he's a dipsomaniac or beats his wife -- than a lump of well-bred jelly!

DAVID:

Atta girl!

ANN:

(TO DAVID) But I'm not taking you, brother! ... Now let me out of here! Let me out of here before I forget I'm a lady!

SOUND:

LAMP CRASHING AND GLASS BREAKING! ... CABIN DOOR SLAMS SHUT

DAVID:

That was one of her quieter moments. ...

MUSIC:

BRIEF TRANSITION

SOUND:

KNOCKING ON CABIN DOOR

DAVID:

Ann? Ann, are you in there? Ann, I'm coming in.

SOUND:

CABIN DOOR OPENS

ANN:

Get out of here.

DAVID:

Hello.

SOUND:

CABIN DOOR CLOSES

ANN:

Did you hear me?

DAVID:

What're you doing with those skis?

ANN:

I'm going skiing.

DAVID:

At this time of night? Don't be silly. You haven't even got a rear light. Take 'em off. ...

ANN:

They're on and they're staying on. I'm spending the night at the lodge.

DAVID:

Oh, that's ridiculous. Why don't you spend the night here?

ANN:

Not on your life, brother. Would you mind handing me that sweater, please?

DAVID:

I would. Get it yourself.

ANN:

I can't. I've got my skis on.

DAVID:

Well, then get a ball of wool and start knitting one. ...

ANN:

Okay, I'll get it.

SOUND:

ANN'S FOOTSTEPS ... HER SKIS CLUMSILY STOMP ACROSS WOOD FLOOR

DAVID:

Mm, very graceful. You look like a stork that just came in for a forced landing. ...

ANN:

Now, Mr. Smith, good night.

DAVID:

Good night. You're not doing me any favors staying here. I'd just as soon you'd get out.

ANN:

Well, we see eye to eye.

DAVID:

(CAGEY) Wait a minute, you can't ski with your strap loose. I'll fasten it for you.

ANN:

Get away.

DAVID:

Don't be silly, I'm just gonna help you get out. Here, sit down. That's right.

SOUND:

SKIS CLATTER AS ANN SITS IN CHAIR

ANN:

Well, now just a minute--

DAVID:

Now put your feet up here. Good.

SOUND:

THUMP

ANN:

Well, listen, I can't sit with my feet up in the air.

DAVID:

Why? I think you look very comfortable.

ANN:

David Smith, let me up out of here.

DAVID:

Can't you move?

ANN:

Of course I can't; my skis are crossed. Get me up out of this chair!

DAVID:

Troublesome things, those skis. You're quite sure you just can't get up by yourself?

ANN:

I just told you!

DAVID:

Fine. Then we can talk a while. ...

ANN:

David Smith, I'm warning you.

DAVID:

In the first place, I ought to tell you that we're still married. Mind if I take off my tie?

ANN:

Now, listen--

DAVID:

Gimbel versus the New Pennsylvania Coal Company doesn't hold in this case, since we're concerned chiefly with the Idaho and Nevada statutes. So you see-- I'll hang my shirt over here.

ANN:

Let me up!

SOUND:

KICKING HER SKI-CLAD FEET BEHIND--

DAVID:

So, you see, you're still my lawful wife. I looked up all this legal tangle, and that man Deever was all wrong. Our marriage was and is perfectly legal. Now--!

ANN:

I'm warning you, I'll kill you in cold blood. Some day, when your back is turned, I'll stab you. Let me up.

SOUND:

BANGING HER SKI-CLAD FEET DURING FOLLOWING--

ANN:

I'll scream. I'll scream, I tell you!

DAVID:

Go on, scream!

ANN:

(SHORT SCREAM ... CONTINUES SCREAMING BEHIND--)

DAVID:

Louder! Go on! Bang your feet! See what good it does ya! Go ahead! But you're my wife! And you're gonna stay right here whether you like it or not! How do you like that?!

SOUND:

SKI FALLS ON FLOOR

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN ... QUIET ROMANTIC WEDDING MARCH ... CONTINUES IN BG

ANN:

(SUDDENLY VERY CALM, SWEET) Oh, oh, my ski fell off. See that? You said I couldn't get away, see? My - my ski fell off.

DAVID:

Well?

ANN:

Well-- David, put it on again.

DAVID:

(LOVINGLY) Ann-- (KISSES HER)

ANN:

(EXHALES, PLEASED)

MUSIC:

UP, FOR A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

DEMILLE:

Two talented stars and two delightful people gave us a delightful evening in the Lux Radio Theatre. And here they are, Carole Lombard and Bob Hope.

HOPE:

Oh, thank you, C. B., and, Carole, would you mind giving me an autographed picture to take home? I want to prove to the gang on my program that I really was in a play with you.

LOMBARD:

Oh, glad to, Bob. How do you want it inscribed?

HOPE:

Oh, just something simple, like, "To the finest actor in Hollywood." ...

LOMBARD:

Oh, I thought it was for you. ... Do you really think you're Hollywood's greatest actor, Bob?

HOPE:

Well, I'd rather not answer that, Mrs. Gable. Say, that reminds me-- ... That reminds me about "The Road to Zanzibar."

DEMILLE:

What reminds you?

HOPE:

Oh, anything at all, C. B. ... I've got a great idea. Would you like to hear some of the best parts of "The Road to Zanzibar"?

DEMILLE:

But, Bob, I've seen the picture.

HOPE:

Well, then, would you care to reminisce? ...

LOMBARD:

Bob, I haven't seen "The Road to Zanzibar" yet. Tell me, how is it?

HOPE:

How is "The Road to Zanzibar"?

LOMBARD:

Yes.

HOPE:

You know, I've always dreamed about moments like this.

LOMBARD:

(CHUCKLES)

HOPE:

Well, I really had a swell time here, C. B., and I'd like to have both you and Carole come over to my program and try the Pepsod--

DEMILLE:

(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Remember what I told you, Bob. This is the Lux Radio Theatre.

HOPE:

Oh, but couldn't I just say--?

LOMBARD:

While you two are playing tag, I'd like to say just a word about Lux Soap. I've used it for years and I think it's grand. Such a gentle complexion care, and really a wonderful help in keeping skin smooth. Now, I may have told your audience this before, Mr. DeMille, but I haven't changed my mind one bit about Lux Soap.

DEMILLE:

And you never will, Carole. Lux Soap keeps its friends -- for life.

HOPE:

Ah, well, now, before you tell us about next week's show, C. B., couldn't I get in one quick mention of Pepsod--?

DEMILLE:

(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Now, Bob, Bob-- ...

HOPE:

But, C. B., my sponsor's listening!

DEMILLE:

Well, what about it?

HOPE:

Well, if I don't mention the product, he starts playing yo-yo with my option. ... So all I'm asking is just to say Pep--

DEMILLE:

(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Yes, yes, yes, Bob, yes, yes, I understand, I understand. And next week in the Lux Radio Theatre, we go western, with a current screen success and the original stars of the picture -- Loretta Young, Robert Preston, and Edward Arnold. The play is "The Lady from Cheyenne." It's adapted from Frank Lloyd's Universal production -- a rousing story of the Wyoming frontier in the days before women could vote, and how a beautiful schoolteacher outwits the whole state legislature to win the ladies the right to vote.

LOMBARD:

You can count me in on the audience with a cast like that, Mr. DeMille. Good night.

DEMILLE:

Good night, Carole. Your performance was really wonderful.

HOPE:

(BEAT) Oh, C. B., aren't you forgetting somebody?

DEMILLE:

Well, if I am, Bob, I'm just being kind.

HOPE:

Oh, wait a minute, C. B. ... I appeal to the women listeners. I leave it to Carole. Don't I, Carole? Appeal to the women listeners? (NO ANSWER) ... Well, I appeal to the men listeners, don't I, C. B.? (NO ANSWER) ... Well, there're sixteen million kids in this country! Good night! ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

DEMILLE:

Good night, good night. Hollywood has a word for stars like you two -- colossal!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG TILL END

DEMILLE:

Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night, when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Loretta Young, Robert Preston, and Edward Arnold in "The Lady from Cheyenne." This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood.

ANNOUNCER:

The United Service Organizations, civilian army behind our army and navy, are conducting a drive that should have the backing of every loyal American. There is a USO headquarters in your community and they'll be glad to tell you how you can help in this great work.

Bob Hope will be heard on the Louella Parsons program over this same network next Friday night in a preview of his new Paramount picture, "Caught in the Draft."

Our music is directed by Louis Silvers, and your announcer has been Melville Ruick.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.