KENNEDY:

Lux presents... Hollywood!

(MUSIC)

KENNEDY:

"The Lux Radio Theatre" brings you Dick Powell and Linda Darnell, in "Christmas in July", with Raymond Walburn. Ladies and Gentlemen, your producer... Mr. Lionel Barrymore.

BARRYMORE:

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. If you're wondering what's happened to my young friend Cecil B. DeMille, well, don't worry. He'll be back next week. This week, he's in Chicago for an opening of "The Story Of Dr. Wassell". And he's trusted me with the keys to the "Lux Radio Theatre". I happen to have a week off at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, where they're celebrating twenty years of making pictures by presenting a fine new production called, "The White Cliffs of Dover." Before C.B. left, he'd arranged for a play and a cast, which I'm sure you're going to like. And which has been a pleasure for me to work with. It's the Paramount hit, "Christmas in July," and the stars are two favorites of yours , and mine, Dick Powell and Linda Darnell. Naturally, boy meets girl in this story, but from there on Mr. Preston Sturges who wrote and directed the picture has a brand new idea which will give you a few surprises before the hour's over. If CB were here tonight, I guess he'd say something about Lux Flakes at this point. Well now, I don't know much about laundry, but I do know that a theatre like this is a wonderful thing of about thirty million people. To an old trouper like me, the idea of an audience enjoying these plays without buying a ticket is fantastic. But here it is. You don't have to buy a thing. Of course the sponsor of this theatre won't be exactly angry if you go out and try some Lux Flakes, but... after you try it then we want you to decide the whole matter on its merits. You see, we know just how it's going to come out. And now, lets go back a few years to a time when hearts were young and gay, and a certain boy and girl discovered "Christmas in July". Here's the curtain for the first act, starring Dick Powell as Jimmy and Linda Darnell as Betty, with Raymond Walburn as Maxford.

(MUSIC)

 

BARRYMORE:

Five months ago, the Maxford House Coffee Company offered a twenty-five thousand dollar first prize for the best Maxford House Coffee slogan. And in three minutes, over the Maxford House coast-to-coast radio-program, the winner's name is scheduled to be announced. But something that even Dr. Maxford himself could not foresee has happened. After plowing through a million entries, the bleary eyed and weary jury's hopelessly deadlocked, and now into their hushed and solemn precinct Dr. Maxford descends with all the graciousness of a blockbuster.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/CROWD ARGUING

DR. MAXFORD:

Quiet! Quiet! What's all this hogwash about a deadlock? Where's the verdict? Answer my question you idiots!

JUROR 1:

Don't ask us, ask Bildocker, he's been holding out all day.

BILDOCKER:

I'll hold out forever! A bunch of fat headed, mealy mouthed, lame brains, why I wouldn't agree to a thing like that....

SFX:

CROWD ARGUES MORE

DR. MAXFORD:

Quiet! Quiet!! Don't you know that our program is on the air? Don't you know that the whole of America is waiting for your verdict? That you're giving heart failure to the western hemisphere? Whaddya know about picking slogans anyway? Why, you wouldn't know a slogan if you slipped on one. If you gentlemen had the combined brains of a glow worm-

JUROR 2:

But we're all agreed Doctor... that is all except the brilliant Mr. Bildocker.

DR. MAXFORD:

Well let me tell you something Mr. Bildocker, I'm giving you just four seconds flat to get in line!

BILDOCKER:

Oh no you're not! I'm a member of this jury, and I'm going to vote the way I think is right if it takes ten years. I'm giving my services free to a bunch of suckers, who fell for a lot of drivel that don't allow-

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

DR. MAXFORD:

Hello? Oh we are, are we? Well that's just lovely. (hangs up) The Maxford House program is signing off the air gentlemen, so just take your time. You can stay here til next Wednesday for all I care. Or you can stay here til Hoboken freezes over! You have failed in our promise to the public. We have muffed the most dramatic advertising moment in the annals of commerce and you made a fat head out of me! The next nitwit who talks to me about a contest had better duck before I swing on him! And in conclusion gentlemen, and especially you Mr. Billdocker, let me say that I have seen far, far better heads on a glass of beer!!

SFX:

DOOR SHUTTING

HARPER:

And so ladies and gentlemen, we bring to a close the four hundred and forty-ninth Maxford House program. I wish I could've given you the winner's name, but I'm afraid it'll have to wait until next Wednesday. But after all, like the prisoner said when the hangman couldn't find the rope, "no noose is good noose!" (laughter)

JIMMY:

Oh, turn it off Betty.

BETTY:

Oh may as well.

HARPER:

This is Don Harper wishing you all good-

SFX:

RADIO BEING SWITCHED OFF

JIMMY:

How d'you like that? They build you up to a big finish then leave you hangin' on a meat hook. C'mon, I'll walk down with you.

BETTY:

Oh, let's stay here and talk Jimmy. It's so hot.

JIMMY:

That's a great way to spend an evening, sitting on the roof of a broken down apartment house, because I don't have the dough to do anything else.

BETTY:

Oh, now that's not so. It's cool up here. Besides you wouldn't have missed listening to Maxford House for anything.

JIMMY:

A lot of good it did me. I wish they'd get that contest over one way or

another. You start thinkin' about that twenty-five thousand dollars, or even the second prize of ten thousand dollars-

BETTY:

Or even anything

JIMMY:

-You said it. And then when you practically got it right in your mitts, they leave you there with your tongue hanging out.

BETTY:

Did you really think you were going to win it Jimmy?

JIMMY:

I haven't lost it yet, have I?

BETTY:

How many contests have you lost?

JIMMY:

Never mind. But every time I've lost one, I've doubled my chances on the next. It's what you call the law of averages. Like when I lost on "how many peanuts are there in this window?" Well, that doubled my chances on the "you fill in the missing words" contest.

BETTY:

But you lost that one too!

JIMMY:

So I was eight to one when I went into the limerick contest!

BETTY:

But you didn't win it Jimmy!

JIMMY:

Well that's what makes it such a cinch this time! Can't you just see it over there on Broadway? A great big electric sign, a guy swallows his coffee, and it says, "if you don't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk." You gotta' admit, that's some slogan!

BETTY:

Uh huh.

JIMMY:

Well do you get the point? Do you understand what it means?

BETTY:

Yes...

JIMMY:

Well it's as clear as crystal. It isn't the coffee, it's the bunk. If you don't sleep at night it isn't the coffee that keeps you awake, it's the bunk.

BETTY:

I know what it says, I just don't understand it.

JIMMY:

Well a kid of two could understand it. That Viennese doctor in the Sunday paper, he said that old idea's just a superstition. Instead of keeping you awake, coffee makes you sleep. Now that's simple enough, isn't it? Coffee makes you sleep!

BETTY:

It doesn't make me sleep.

JIMMY:

Well he says it makes you sleep. He's a Viennese doctor-

BETTY:

Jimmy coffee keeps you awake. That's a well known fact! Why're you so pig headed about it

JIMMY:

-I tell you it's a new scientific theory. People only think coffee keeps them awake. Those kind of people are nervous wreck and couldn't sleep anyway. So I say if you don't sleep at night it isn't the coffee it's the bunk. D'you get it?

BETTY:

I guess so.

JIMMY:

You guess so, what's it mean?

BETTY:

It's the bunk.

JIMMY:

Yes. But do you get the play on words?

BETTY:

Oh Jimmy, you don't need a play on words. Any time anybody tells you

that coffee makes you sleep you don't need a play on words to know it's the bunk.

JIMMY:

Don't you understand? Don't you understand it's funny? It means if you don't sleep at night it isn't the coffee that keeps you awake, it's the bunk! The bed! The bed!

BETTY:

With me it's the coffee.

JIMMY:

Ooh!

BETTY:

Oh Jimmy, you know I want you to win. I'm just as anxious as you are. And gee, when you lose this one, just think how much better your chances are on the next one.

JIMMY:

Fine chance anybody's got at winning anything if everybody goes around saying coffee keeps you awake.

BETTY:

Alright alright. Let's go downstairs and drink a gallon of coffee and see which one sleeps the longest-

JIMMY:

Oh shut up

MRS. MACDONALD:

(off mic) -Jimmy!

JIMMY:

(yelling off mic) Yes mom?

MRS. MACDONALD:

(off mic) Mr. Zimmerman says will you please not talk so loud. He's trying to go to sleep.

BETTY:

(yelling off mic) Oh, tell him to drink a cup of coffee.

MRS. MACDONALD:

(off mic) And don't get cold up there-

JIMMY:

(yelling off mic) -Alright mom.

BETTY:

Oh Jimmy. Jimmy, you know I'd like you just as much if you didn't win the old contest.

JIMMY:

That's because you're a sap.

BETTY:

I am not a sap.

JIMMY:

Nix.

BETTY:

Two can live cheaply as one you know.

JIMMY:

Who wants to live cheaply?

BETTY:

Jimmy, what would you do if you won the twenty-five thousand dollars?

JIMMY:

Stick it in the bank.

BETTY:

Wouldn't you even buy a little ring or something?

JIMMY:

Oh, what's the use of talking about it honey? You know I'd spend it all on you and mom. I'd get you a big shiny car, and a swell apartment... anything you wanted. We'd be happy alright.

BETTY:

Oh we could be happy anyway.

JIMMY:

When you say that you just make me mad. Now look at my own mother, she's never been to the country for more than one day. Never had any nice furniture. The dream of her life is a davenport that turns into a

double bed at night with a crank. She's never had a decent dress except what she's made herself, and my old man... Hmph. Worn out at forty-eight, and died because he couldn't afford a decent doctor. So I earn twenty-six dollars a week and you want to get married.

BETTY:

And I earn eighteen and that makes forty-four-

JIMMY:

-Sure, sure. And you've got your ma and I've got mine, and then we have a baby and you have to stop working and we're right back at the same old twenty-six again. Except then there's you and the kid and the two old ladies.

BETTY:

Oh but Jimmy darling-

JIMMY:

Nix honey, nix. They didn't give you wrists like that and hands like that to spoil them scrubbing floors for a dope like me. A man's got to look out for himself in this old world and a girl's got to do the same, instead of fooling away her time on a guy like me. Unless he crashes through

BETTY:

-Oh you make me tired.

JIMMY:

Then go to bed!

BETTY:

Well, that's a nice thing to say! You invite a girl over to your roof and then yell at her. Listen, if I wanted to be insulted I could've gone out with a credit manager.

JIMMY:

Who's stopping you?

BETTY:

Well, thank you very much. It's very nice to know just where I stand.

JIMMY:

Oh, I'm sorry.

BETTY:

Maybe I will go out with a credit manager. Good night!

JIMMY:

Wait a minute. I'll help you with that skylight.

SFX:

SKYLIGHT OPENING

BETTY:

Kindly let go of my arm, and mind your own business-

JIMMY:

Oh shut up

BETTY:

Why don't you shut up

MR. ZIMMERMAN:

(off mic)-Why don't you both shut up?

JIMMY:

Wise guy. Now don't fall down the ladder.

BETTY:

I've been down the ladder before.

JIMMY:

You fell down it before too.

BETTY:

Good night.

JIMMY:

Yeah. See you at the office.

BETTY:

Aren't you gonna' take me?

JIMMY:

Hm? Well, okay.

BETTY:

Good night Jimmy.

JIMMY:

Good night honey.

BETTY:

Good night darling.

JIMMY:

Good night darl-

MR. ZIMMERMAN:

(off mic)-Good night!

(MUSIC)

 

SFX:

OFFICE SOUNDS

JIMMY:

Hey. Hey Charlie.

CHARLIE:

Yeah?

JIMMY:

I gotta' go out in to hall and phone. Tip me off if the boss comes in, will you?

CHARLIE:

Yeah. Who you gonna' phone?

JIMMY:

Oh, the Maxford House Coffee Company. Maybe they picked the winner of that slogan contest by now.

CHARLIE:

Oh. Go ahead Jimmy, if I see Waterberry, I'll warn you.

JIMMY:

(walking away off mic) Thanks, I'll be right back.

CHARLIE:

(chuckling) Hey Al, get a load of that. I wonder what one of those suckers'd do if they ever did win anything.

AL:

Well it's very easy to find out.

CHARLIE:

Huh?

AL:

All you need is a telegram blank, some scissors, and some glue. You type it out, cut it in strips, and glue it in the blank.

CHARLIE:

Holey mackerel! You mean like a gag. We work this gag on Jimmy?

AL:

Sure. We'll pick up a telegram blank at lunchtime, leave it on his desk. He'll think he won twenty-five thousand bucks!

CHARLIE:

Oh brother, wait'll you see his kisser when he reads it.

AL (sounding it out)

"We are happy to inform you that you have won the Maxford House Coffee contest."

SFX:

OFFICE NOISE

JIMMY:

Yes and uh, I was just wondering if the jury's reached a verdict yet on the contest. Oh they haven't? Oh, any minute huh? Well thanks a lot. Good-bye.

SFX:

PHONE HANGING UP

JIMMY (cont.)

I gotta win it! I gotta!

(MUSIC)

SFX:

OFFICE NOISE/ DOOR CLOSES

JIMMY:

You sent for me Mr. Waterberry?

WATERBERRY:

Close the door MacDonald. You had a good lunch, MacDonald?

JIMMY:

About the same as always.

WATERBERRY:

Nothing wrong with your appetite? You feel well?

JIMMY:

Why sure. I feel fine Mr. Waterberry.

WATERBERRY:

I've been watching you for some time MacDonald.

JIMMY:

Yes sir. It used to make me kind of nervous.

WATERBERRY:

Not nervous any more?

JIMMY:

Oh no sir.

WATERBERRY:

Look at this, your morning worksheet. The comptometer you operate is almost foolproof MacDonald. Yet you managed to miss your total by a little matter of eleven thousand dollars. To what do you attribute this?

JIMMY:

I uh, I don't know Mr. Waterberry.

WATERBERRY:

Have you troubles at home then? You play the races? Or are you simply incapable of doing your work?

JIMMY:

Well I, oh I guess it's the contest Mr. Waterberry. The Maxford House contest. It's been on my mind. I had no idea it was hurting my work.

WATERBERRY:

Oh? And how much is the prize?

JIMMY:

The first prize is twenty-five thousand dollars.

WATERBERRY:

Ah yes, I used to think about twenty-five thousand dollars. And then one day I realized I would never have twenty-five thousand dollars. And then suddenly, another day, considerably later on in life, I realized something else: I may not be a rich man, but I'm not a failure either. Ambition is alright if it works, but no system could be right where only half of one percent were successes and all the rest were failures. No, I'm not a failure. I'm a success. And so are you, if you earn your own living and pay your own bills and look the world in the eye. I hope you win your twenty-five thousand dollars Mr. MacDonald, but if you shouldn't happen to, don't worry about it. Now get the heck back to your desk, and try to improve your arithmetic!

JIMMY:

Yes sir Mr. Waterberry. Gosh, thanks a lot.

WATERBERRY:

That's alright.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS/OFFICE SOUNDS/CLOSES - FOOTSTEPS

JIMMY:

Hey, what's this?

CHARLIE:

What's what?

JIMMY:

This-this telegram.

CHARLIE:

You got me. Kid just brought it in. What's it say?

JIMMY:

Huh? Wow! Wow! Betty! Betty! Betty, come here! Everybody come here!

SFX:

CROWD NOISE EXCITEMENT

BETTY:

(coming up to mic) Jimmy, what's the matter?

JIMMY:

Honey-honey, quick- everybody come here-this telegram, wow! Boys and girls, there comes a time in everybody's life when you just gotta' climb up on your desk and let her rip. Yippee!

SFX:

CROWD ("Huh/What's Going On?/Jimmy?")

JIMMY:

Hold on everybody! I've just won the twenty-five thousand dollar Maxford House contest-

SFX:

CROWD EXCITEMENT ("Oh Boy/Congratulations, Jimmy")

BETTY:

Oh Jimmy, Jimmy darling! This is so wonderful

WATERBERRY:

MacDonald that's wonderful

JIMMY:

-Thank you, thank you. Look, do you think I could use the company phone for just one call?

WATERBERRY:

Help yourself.

SFX:

PICKING UP PHONE

JIMMY:

Thanks. Thanks. (INTO PHONE) Hello? Hello? Oh. Astoria 55970. (TO EVERYBODY ELSE) This is really gonna' be good-

BETTY:

That's where he lives

JIMMY:

(BACK INTO PHONE) Hello? Oh Mrs. Schwartz, I hate to bother you, but can I talk to my mother a minute? Yes it's very important. Thank you Mrs. Schwartz. I'll let you use my phone all you like when I get one. (TO EVERYBODY ELSE) That's the neighbor, she's calling my mother.

SFX:

LAUGHTER

JIMMY:

Hey, shh shh... quiet now, quiet quiet... shh... quiet everybody. (INTO PHONE) Hello mom? Mom, now don't get scared... no of course I'm not hurt... Mom listen, listen. Are you a rich woman or a poor woman? ...No I'm not crazy with the heat, mom. Look, Mom you can go out and buy yourself anything you want, new furniture, automobiles, new dresses-

BETTY:

Oh the electric washer

JIMMY:

Yeah, yeah the electric washer, you know the one you like, the green one? It's yours mom

AL:

(stage whisper) Hey Charlie

CHARLIE:

(stage whisper) Yeah

AL:

This ain't so good

JIMMY:

-And the davenport, the one that turns into the double bed with the crank? It's yours-it's all yours- and anything else you want!

AL:

(stage whisper) Listen guys, this is going to cost us one davenport-

JIMMY:

I'll tell the world I got a raise

BETTY:

And how he got a raise

CHARLIE:

(stage whisper) Look we just gotta' put him out of his misery

AL:

(stage whisper) Yeah some gag. I didn't know he'd go nuts like this

CHARLIE:

(normal voice) -Hey look who's coming, Mr. Baxter.

SFX:

CROWD EXCITED ("MR. BAXTER, MR. BAXTER" ETC.)

JIMMY:

Yes, everything's wonderful ma. I'll... well , I'll call you back.

SFX:

PHONE HANGING UP

BAXTER:

What's going on around here? What is this, a football game?

SFX:

CROWD HUB BUB (THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL BAXTER WHAT'S GOING ON)

BAXTER:

What're you doing up on that desk? Never mind what you're doing, you're fired. What's your name?

JIMMY:

James MacDonald sir, and this is my fianc?e Miss Casey.

BAXTER:

Well, let that be a lesson to you.

SFX:

LAUGHTER

BAXTER:

Well, what's so funny? What is it? Waterberry, where are you? I demand an explanation!

WATERBERRY:

Mr. Baxter, I really see no point in firing this lad-

AL:

If anyone ought to be fired around here it's me

BAXTER:

Never mind the noble gestures, I'll decide what's what around here. Waterberry

WATERBERRY:

-Wait a minute, you don't understand what's happened Mr. Baxter. These children are a part of your family, your business family, and anything that happens to them happens to you. This young man you've fired has just won the twenty-five thousand dollar Maxford House slogan contest. And in my opinion that's ample reason for this demonstration.

BAXTER:

Well, I should say it is. Congratulations young man.

JIMMY:

Thanks.

BAXTER:

Now I suppose I'll have to hire you back at a fat increase. (laughs)

JIMMY:

Well, I've always liked it here Mr. Baxter, but a little raise would come in handy.

BAXTER:

And you really won the Maxford contest eh?

JIMMY:

Here's the telegram.

BAXTER:

And what was your slogan?

JIMMY:

Oh. "If you don't sleep at night, it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk." Well, it's a play on words. It means if you don't sleep at-

BAXTER:

But coffee keeps you awake. I know!

JIMMY:

Yeah, but don't you see, this Viennese scientist he says-

BAXTER:

It's a very clever slogan just the same. "It isn't the coffee, it's the bunk." Excellent for the entire industry. You didn't happen to get any ideas for "Baxter and Son" while you were inventing slogans for our competitors, did you? You know, we make coffee too!

JIMMY:

I certainly did Mr. Baxter. I've been trying to give ideas to the advertising department ever since I first came here, but they won't listen to me.

BAXTER:

Well, how would you like to come into my office and tell me a few of these ideas?

JIMMY:

Yes sir.

BETTY:

I'll wait here for you Jimmy.

BAXTER:

Oh no-no-no! You come too, my dear. My, my... twenty-five thousand smackers.

SFX:

MUSIC UP

JIMMY:

So you see Mr. Baxter, Mr. Jenkins, Mr. Babcock, I tried to find a slogan for Baxter's Coffee too. One that would imply that Baxter's was the finest coffee made.

BABCOCK:

(brainstorming) "The aristocrat of coffee!"

BAXTER:

Aristocrat? Babcock, revise your thinking.

JIMMY:

Aristocrat? Oh no-no, that's been used too much.

BABCOCK:

Oh.

BAXTER:

And what is your slogan for Baxter's Jimmy?

JIMMY:

"Baxter's the blue blood coffee, it's bred in the bean!"

BAXTER:

Hmm... hmm... Jenkins, what's your reaction to that?

JENKINS:

Hmm, I'm mulling it over chief.

BETTY:

"The blue blood coffee, it's bred in the bean!"

BABCOCK:

That's it! "Bred in the bean"... it's wonderful.

BAXTER:

It is? -I mean it is! I can see it all over the nation. Jimmy, you're a genius.

JIMMY:

Thank you.

BAXTER:

And now that you're a capitalist, I don't know how you'd feel about working for a living, but if you'd care to have a little office here...

BETTY:

Oh, you mean all to himself with his name on the door?

BAXTER:

Naturally. And with you as his secretary and of course a reasonable increase in salary. I see no reason why we shouldn't shake hands on it now-

BETTY:

-Oh Jimmy, quick, shake his hand.-

JIMMY:

-Oh sure. Well gee, gee Mr. Baxter thank you. That's swell, that's fine. I just don't know what to say.

BAXTER:

Well I think you've said quite enough my boy. Now why don't you take the afternoon off while we get an office ready for you.

JIMMY:

I'd certainly appreciate it, but do you suppose Betty could come along too?

BAXTER:

Why of course she can. And a little bird tells me just where you'll be headed for: some little jewelry store I'll wager. Huh?

JIMMY:

Well, I guess you're not very far off Mr. Baxter. But first of all, I think I'll go over to Maxford House and pick up that little check.

BAXTER:

Oh yes, we'd almost forgotten about that, hadn't we?

BETTY:

Oh ho, not me. I hadn't.

BAXTER:

Hah. Uh, what was your slogan for Maxford again?

BETTY:

"It isn't the coffee, it's the bunk!"

BAXTER:

Isn't that marvelous? "It isn't the coffee, its the-

BABCOCK:

-But, but "it's bred in the bean", that's the one for my money.

JENKINS:

Functional.

BABCOCK:

Precisely.

JIMMY:

Well I don't know how to thank you all. Well, good-bye.

BETTY:

And thank you again Mr. Baxter.

BAXTER:

Oh not at all. I had my eye on that boy for some time.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BABCOCK:

A big future.

JENKINS:

Immense.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

HARRY:

Jimmy! Hey, hey wait a second Jimmy!

JIMMY:

Hi ya Harry. What's on your mind? Need a few bucks?

HARRY:

Oh hello buddy. Jimmy, could I talk to you for a second alone?

JIMMY:

Could you make it tomorrow Harry? Gosh, we gotta' go over and pick up that check. They might think we weren't grateful or something.

HARRY:

But that's just what I want to talk to you about. You see, Charlie and Al and I we...

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BAXTER:

Oh MacDonald?

JIMMY:

Yes sir?

BAXTER:

Was that, "its bred in the bean?" Or just "bred in the bean?"

JIMMY:

Oh, "its" Mr. Baxter. You see just "bred in the bean" might sound like bread and butter or something like that.

BAXTER:

Yes. Yes, naturally. I don't know why I didn't realize that.

JIMMY:

Is that all sir?

BAXTER:

Of course. Have a nice time and don't spend all your money.

JIMMY:

We won't. Well good bye.

BAXTER:

Good bye. Good bye. Ah great mind. Oh, did you wish to speak to me Pettypass?

HARRY:

Who me? Oh no sir, just watching them go out-

BAXTER:

-Well, well, it's been quite an exciting day, hasn't it?

HARRY:

Yeah, and it ain't hardly even begun yet.

(MUSIC)

 

SFX:

APPLAUSE

KENNEDY:

Before we present Act Two of "Christmas in July," starring Dick Powell and Linda Darnell, Libby and I want you to decide an argument that's been going on between us.

LIBBY COLLINS:

Oh, not really an argument Mr. Kennedy... its a debate.

KENNEDY:

Well, whatever you call it, the question Libby and I've been discussing is-

LIBBY COLLINS:

-Do women dress to please men or other women? I say to please you

men.

KENNEDY:

But just try asking a man to describe what a pretty girl is wearing. He can tell you the color of her hair, whether she has good-looking legs and nice hands, but-

LIBBY COLLINS:

-Maybe he can't describe her dress, but he'd know it alright if it were unbecoming.

KENNEDY:

Well, to be honest, there's one thing a man does notice, and that's the color. Now I saw a girl in a red dress the other day and I-

LIBBY COLLINS:

-Ho ho, you see. You've admitted my point. But seriously, it is important to wear becoming colors, and to have everything you wear look color fresh and lovely. That's why I talk so much about Lux Care for Colors Mr. Kennedy.

KENNEDY:

Just a booby-trap for us men, huh Libby?

LIBBY COLLINS:

Well, not entirely Mr. Kennedy. It's pretty hard on the budget if colors fade or run in washing. But here are the facts, washing tests have proved that gentle Lux Care keep colors lovely up to three times longer.

KENNEDY:

That's a big difference!

LIBBY COLLINS:

Indeed it is! Gentle Lux Flakes are safe for anything safe in plain water. You see, when you use harsh washday methods, like rough handling or rubbing, strong soaps, and too hot water, well, delicate colors can't stand that kind of treatment.

KENNEDY:

So, whether you're dressing to please the man in your life, or impress other women, or to pamper your own pocket book, the moral is-

LIBBY COLLINS:

-Stick to gentle Lux Flakes for colors. We both agree on that point Mr. Kennedy!

KENNEDY:

We pause now for station identification. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

(MUSIC)

BARRYMORE:

Act Two of "Christmas in July", starring Dick Powell as Jimmy and Linda Darnell as Betty, with Raymond Walburn as Maxford.

(MUSIC)

BARRYMORE:

It's forty-five minutes later, and blissfully unaware that they're victims of a practical joke, Jimmy and Betty are waiting in the reception room of the Maxford House Coffee Company. In the office of the president, Dr. Maxford is percolating furiously to the announcer of his radio program.

MAXFORD:

Contests! What good are contests anyway? Why they make you a million enemies. And all they prove is you've got too much money in the first place. Since you can afford to toss a large chunk of it at some sap who probably never had a cup of your coffee in his life, but exists on goat's milk!

HARPER:

Oh, it's deplorable doctor. Has the jury reached the verdict yet?

MAXFORD:

I don't know and I don't care.

HARPER:

Well maybe if they could hold off until our next broadcast...

MAXFORD:

Oh no no. That would be the intelligent thing to do. That would be useful to the company that feeds and clothes them, and sends their children to college so that they can grow-up to be dumbbells, like their parents!

SFX:

INTERCOM BUZZER

MAXFORD:

Well? Well what do you want?

MISS SLIDEWELL:

The contest winner's here, Dr. Maxford.

MAXFORD:

Alright. Bring him in.

MISS SLIDEWELL:

Yes sir.

MAXFORD:

Well how do you like that?

HARPER:

Then they've reached a decision?

MAXFORD:

How do I know? I'm only the president. Why should that jury of imbeciles bother to tell me anything? I'll have their heads for this! Why I'll-

SFX:

KNOCKING/DOOR OPEN/CLOSE

MAXFORD:

Well, come in!

JIMMY:

Well, how do you do sir? I suppose I have the honor of addressing Dr. Maxford, I presume?

MAXFORD:

Yes, and this is Don Harper, our announcer.

JIMMY:

And this is my fianc?e, Miss Casey. Well, it's certainly a pleasure meeting you.

BETTY:

How-how do you do?

MAXFORD:

Congratulations!

JIMMY:

Thanks. Here's the telegram Dr. Maxford.

MAXFORD:

Yes? Oh, yes, yes... (reading) "great pleasure informing you... twenty-five thousand dollars... kindly call and pick up your check"... Oh, you aren't by any chance a coffee drinker are you?

JIMMY:

Yes sir. I certainly am.

MAXFORD:

Well that's surprising. You don't by any chance drink my coffee do you?

BETTY:

No sir, you see we're both employed over at-

MAXFORD:

-Oh yes! Yes, yes, that sounds more natural.

BETTY:

But we could easily change.

JIMMY:

Sure, I think it would only be fair.

MAXFORD:

Oh don't bother Mr. McDonald. I wouldn't want anybody to think I had any base commercial motives in all this. I just give my money away because I can't sleep at night! I have a guilty conscience.

JIMMY:

But that's my slogan, the one I won with. Oh well, I guess you know all about that.

MAXFORD

"A guilty conscience" eh? I can see that my money's well spent. That is a wonderful slogan.

BETTY:

Oh no Sir. Uh the slogan is, "If you can't sleep at night it isn't the coffee it's the bunk."

MAXFORD:

I beg your pardon?

JIMMY:

It's a pun-

MAXFORD:

-It certainly is! Why I can hardly wait to give you my money. Miss Slidewell!

MISS SLIDEWELL:

Yes sir?

MAXFORD:

Bring me that contest check.

JIMMY:

I don't know whether you've ever had anything like this happen to you Doctor, but to be poor and unknown one minute and sitting on top of the world the next minute, that's a feeling nobody can ever take away from me-

BETTY:

-Oh, but it's more than that. It's the knowledge that Jimmy won this contest because he thought up a better slogan than anyone else.

JIMMY:

You see, I used to think I had good ideas and I'd get somewhere in the world, but well now I know it. And that's what I want to thank you for Dr. Maxford, even more than the money.

MISS SLIDEWELL:

Here's the check Dr. Maxford.

MAXFORD:

Er, how do you spell your name young man? Is it "m-c", or "m-a-c"?

JIMMY:

M-a-c sir. James MacDonald.

MAXFORD:

You know it's customary under these circumstances to have a few photographers present, or even a microphone or a reporter, but since we do everything here in a highly non-commercial basis, I merely take pleasure in giving you this small check written out with my heart's blood! And that's all there is too it, here.

JIMMY:

Well, thank you, thank you Dr. Maxford. I don't know how I can ever find words to-

MAXFORD:

-Never mind them. Just good-bye and good luck.

BETTY:

(going off mic) Oh Jimmy, just look at it. Just look.

JIMMY:

(going off mic) Oh boy.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSE

MAXFORD:

Now Miss Slidewell, get me Bildocker.

MISS SLIDEWELL:

I tried to sir, when I got the check. He isn't in his office.

MAXFORD:

Well where is he? Down in the lobby with a yo-yo?? You find him and tell him- Oh never mind, I'll find him myself. When I- "It isn't the coffee it's the bunk!" Jumping Jerusalem!

(MUSIC)

SFX:

DEPARTMENT STORE

JIMMY:

You know what? We could get everything here: the ring and everything all in this one store.

SALESMAN:

Can I help you?

BETTY:

Oh, that diamond ring there in the showcase. Oh, it's so beautiful Jimmy.

JIMMY:

Holy smoke! I should say so!

SALESMAN:

But here's a ring of more practical dimensions. Fiery little devil isn't it?

JIMMY:

Does a magnifying glass come with it?

SALESMAN:

I was only trying to be helpful, that's all.

JIMMY:

Hm.

SALESMAN:

It's immaterial to me how big a stone you'll look at.

JIMMY:

Ah, fresh guy.

SALESMAN:

Here, what do you think of this for instance?

JIMMY:

(WHISTLES)

BETTY:

Boy how much is that one?

SALESMAN:

Twelve thousand dollars.

BETTY:

Oh.

JIMMY:

We wouldn't care to spend that much.

SALESMAN:

No that's what I thought.

JIMMY:

But I could if I felt like it.

SALESMAN:

Oh you could, well that puts everything on an entirely different basis. Now you see here-

BETTY:

Oh Jimmy I'm in love with that one. There in the case.

SALESMAN:

Well, there's no denying it's a lovely little rock.

JIMMY:

Well then I guess we'll take it.

SALESMAN:

Yes sir.

JIMMY:

Of course I haven't got the cash with me, but-

SALESMAN:

-Ah hah...

JIMMY:

But I've got a check here-

SALESMAN:

-And may I see the check?

JIMMY:

Sure.

BETTY:

Oh, he just won the Maxford House contest. See? Isn't it wonderful?

SALESMAN:

Well I'll be! Mr. Schmidt, Mr. Schmidt! Oh, for heaven sakes, congratulations! I might say twenty-five thousand congratulations!

BETTY:

Yes.

SALESMAN:

Mr. Schmidt, kindly cut a groove would you?

SFX:

CROWD

SALESMAN 2:

Now if you'll watch closely I merely remove the two cushions, press the button marked "night", and with one easy push of the finger it changes into a double bed. Comes morning, a turn of the crank and Presto! It assumes the characteristics of the finest davenport money can buy. It's called the "Davenolla", Mr. MacDonald. Price? $198.50, plus tax.

JIMMY:

We'll take it.

SCHINDEL:

(approaching mic) What a bargain you are getting.

JIMMY:

I beg your pardon?

SALESMAN 2:

Oh this is Mr. Schindel, the owner of the establishment.

SCHINDEL:

Congratulations... and the check is good, I just phoned the Maxford company.

BETTY:

How soon do you think you can send the "Davenolla"? Mrs. MacDonald's been waiting for years.

SCHINDEL:

It's there already! (yelling off mic) Make it a special, Hillbiner!

JIMMY:

Do you suppose your mother would like one?

BETTY:

Oh, oh no thank you Jimmy. We haven't got room.

JIMMY:

Well we've got to get her something. We've got to get everybody something.

BETTY:

Well, say, Mom's been wanting a new iron for a long time.

SCHINDEL:

She's got it, compliment's of Schindel's! Free, she's got it!

JIMMY:

Betty, we've gotta get something for Mrs. Schwartz and a doll for Sophie-

BETTY:

Oh yeah

JIMMY:

And there's old Mr. Zimmerman and the Casey kids

BETTY:

-But Jimmy we've spent so much, Honey. I mean the ring and the silver

fox jacket and-

JIMMY:

Nonsense. The Fennigan kids and Petrov and Goldstein

BETTY:

Well, Tony Marzepple

JIMMY:

And Mr. Romanoff

BETTY:

-Look, you'd just better work up one side of the street and down the other.

JIMMY:

Wonderful. Okay, Mr. Schindel, where's the toy department?

(MUSIC)

SFX:

TRUCK ENGINES

SALESMAN:

Well, there're the trucks Mr. MacDonald. All loaded, they'll shoot right up town with everything.

JIMMY:

Gosh, thanks.

SCHINDEL:

And for you and Miss Casey a taxicab, also compliments of Schindel. Hillbiner, put in the other packages.

SALESMAN:

Yes sir!

BETTY:

Oh how can we ever thank you?

SALESMAN 2:

And that's not all! From Schindel's fernery, a beautiful orchid for the lady.

BETTY:

Oh Jimmy look.

JIMMY:

An orchid. Now look Mr. Schindel, I don't like buying all those things with out paying for them.

SCHINDEL:

Nonsense Mr. MacDonald. We know an honest man when we see one, don't we boys?

SALESMEN:

Ha ha ha, yes, well of course.

JIMMY:

Well Mr. Schindel, why don't you take the check and give me the change?

SCHINDEL:

We should have change for such a check.

JIMMY:

Well, I'll bring you the money as soon as I put the check in the bank.

SCHINDEL:

Well who is in a hurry? Drop in any tim-Drop in tomorrow.

JIMMY:

I certainly will sir. Well, goodbye.

SALESMAN:

The taxi's all ready.

JIMMY:

Thanks. Good bye.

BETTY:

Good bye.

SCHINDEL:

Come in and see us again.

JIMMY:

(off mic) We will.

BETTY:

(off mic) Good bye.

SFX:

CAB DOOR CLOSES/CAB PULLS AWAY

SCHINDEL:

Ah. What a boy, what a business.

(MUSIC)

SFX:

CAB RUNNING

BETTY:

Oh I'm so happy Jimmy.

JIMMY:

Ah, I feel kind of good myself. Can you see the faces on everybody when we get there?

BETTY:

Yeah. Like, like Christmas in July.

JIMMY:

Well happy New Year.

BETTY:

Oh it will be a happy New Year too darling, from now on. Everything new and clean and different. And just think Jimmy, no more worry.

JIMMY:

No more worry.

BETTY:

That's the only terrible thing about being poor. Say what kind of a house are we going have?

JIMMY:

Any kind you like.

BETTY:

How about a penthouse?

JIMMY:

Oh, they come kind of high don't they?

BETTY:

Oh I was only- oh Jimmy you. Will you love me always?

JIMMY:

Of course I will.

BETTY:

For always and always?

JIMMY:

I don't know why not.

BETTY:

It might be a long time. It might be an awful long time.

JIMMY:

I hope so. The longer the sweeter baby. Mmm, yeah.

BETTY:

Mmm, gosh.

MRS. MACDONALD:

I just don't know what to think Mr. Zimmerman. "Buy anything you want," he says. "An automobile, new dresses, furniture, even a davenport, anything."

ZIMMERMAN:

I know. Mine Irving, he drinks too, once in a while.

MRS. MACDONALD:

Oh, but Jimmy, he never takes a drink unless something terrible has happened.

ZIMMERMAN:

Maybe he lost his job.

MRS. MACDONALD:

But he said he got a raise.

ZIMMERMAN:

A raise? Who gives raises these days?

MRS. MACDONALD:

Listen. That noise in the street.

ZIMMERMAN:

What is it?

MRS. MACDONALD:

Maybe a funeral. Look right in front of the house.

SFX:

CROWD

ZIMMERMAN:

Such a congregation. Look there's Betty.

MRS. MACDONALD:

She's bringing him home. In a taxicab!

ZIMMERMAN:

Well don't you worry Mrs. MacDonald, maybe just a little accident. A leg maybe, or a finger.

JIMMY:

(off mic) Mom, hey Mom!

MRS. MACDONALD:

There he is.

JIMMY:

(off mic) Come on down! You too Mr. Zimmerman.

BETTY:

(off mic) He's got presents for everybody! Get Mrs. Schwartz.

MRS. MACDONALD:

Jimmy boy! Jimmy! Drunk as a Lord in the middle of the afternoon! I never thought I'd live to see it (going off mic), never!

SFX:

CROWD

JIMMY:

Hey, now take it easy, there's something here for everybody.

BETTY:

And what isn't here soon will be. Three truck loads.

JIMMY:

Wait a second, oh here's her doll. Sophie, hey where's Sophie?

SOPHIE:

Jimmy!

JIMMY:

Here darling, in this box!

BETTY:

Hey, somebody find my mother and look at this everybody! Look it's two karats too!

SFX:

CROWD ("Ohh, Ahhh/Boy that's a beauty!")

MRS. MACDONALD:

Jimmy-

JIMMY:

Mom

MRS. MACDONALD:

Jimmy

JIMMY:

Mom, Mom

MRS. MACDONALD:

What's happened? Are you drunk? Are you hurt

JIMMY:

Mom

MRS. MACDONALD:

Tell me what's going on

JIMMY:

-Mom-Mom-Mom- now, look at me Mom! I'm fine, and everything I told you's true. The davenport's on the way here and a lot of other stuff- special trucks, oh, wait'll you see Mom-

MRS. MACDONALD:

-Oh, then you did get a raise then. Oh Glory!

JIMMY:

Mom, Mom sit down- sit down on the curb-it doesn't matter-I'll get you a dozen new dresses. Look Mom here's a check, twenty-five thousand dollars!

MRS. MACDONALD:

Jimmy-Oh, Oh-

JIMMY:

-Hold on to it and I'll be right back. Hey somebody, find the ice-cream wagon! (yelling off mic) Free ice cream, kids! Free ice cream for everybody!

(MUSIC)

 

SFX:

OFFICE CROWD SOUNDS

JUROR #1:

Oh now look Bildocker, get wise to yourself. If the slogan's good enough for the eleven of us, who are you to say that it smells?

ARMBRUST:

You smell!

JUROR #1:

One more crack out of you Armbrust and I'll bust you right on the nose!

JUROR #2:

Sit down. Both of you. Now look Bildocker, the public was promised they'd hear us announce the slogan winner last night on the radio, so we couldn't agree and we didn't announce it. We've got to announce it by next Wednesday, and I think it's high time we talk this over. In a nice friendly way of course.

BILLDOCKER:

Talk what over??

JUROR #2:

Everybody but you says that this slogan is just what the doctor ordered, "Maxford's: magnificent and mellow." It's brief, it's smooth, it's pungent.

BILLDOCKER:

It's putrid.

JUROR #2:

And just why is it putrid Mr. Bildocker?

SFX:

DOOR CLOSING

BILLDOCKER:

Because it smells.

SFX:

CROWD GRUMBLING.

MAXFORD:

Well, well! So there you are Billdocker, and all the rest of you! Playing poker I suppose!

SFX:

DISGRUNTLED JURORS ("No, we weren't/Say, we were not!" etc.)

MAXFORD:

Now, now that the contest is over, I wondered if you would be kind enough to all get back to your offices and clients and sell a little coffee for a change? Or am I becoming too commercial? And while I'm on the subject, I just want to tell you that of all the groups of fat heads, that I've ever had the misfortune to gaze upon, you take the log pail-

BILLDOCKER:

-And what about the contest?

MAXFORD:

Well what about it? Now that you've killed it what do you want to do? Hold a post mortem on it?

BILLDOCKER:

Don't you want us to choose a winner?

MAXFORD:

You did choose a winner-

BILLDOCKER:

Who chose a winner? We certainly did not choose a winner

MAXFORD:

-Well, you certainly did choose a winner, you... W-What do you mean you didn't choose a winner!?

BILLDOCKER:

I mean we haven't reached a verdict yet!

MAXFORD:

Well you certainly have reached a verdict yet! W-What are you trying to do? Stand there and tell me you haven't reached a verdict yet?

BILLDOCKER:

We have not!

MAXFORD:

Then... Then why did you send him a telegram telling him he'd won? Answer me that!

BILLDOCKER:

Send who a telegram?

MAXFORD:

Mac-Mac-Mac-Mac-MacTavish!

BILLDOCKER:

We didn't send any tele-

MAXFORD:

You didn't

BILLDOCKER:

Who's MacTavish

MAXFORD:

-You didn't send any... Well, you certainly did send a telegram! Jumping Jerusalem, get my lawyer!

ARMBRUST:

Which one?

MAXFORD:

Schlummel, Schlimmel, Abercrombie, and Schlitz. Get the police!

SFX:

JURORS GRUMBLING

ARMBRUST:

Yes sir!

MAXFORD:

Quiet. Quiet! And get me Schindel Brothers; the important thing at a moment like this is to remain cool, collected-Collected! Holy Moses! Call the bank! What's the matter with everybody? CALL MY BANK!

(MUSIC)

 

SFX:

CROWD SOUNDS (laughter/enjoyment)

BETTY:

Oh, look at them Jimmy, it's so wonderful I could cry. It's the best time they've ever had in all their lives. The whole darn neighborhood. Look at them-

JIMMY:

See what money can do honey? Things like this

VENDOR:

(OFF MIC) Hey Jimmy, I'm running out of hot dogs

JIMMY:

(yelling off mic) -Well get another load, it's all on me!

VENDOR:

(OFF MIC) Good. Hot dogs! Hot dogs!

BETTY:

You didn't forget anyone Jimmy. A present for everybody. Everybody but yourself.

JIMMY:

What do I want a present for? I've got you.

BETTY:

Thank you darling.

SFX:

TRUCK PULLING UP

JIMMY:

Look! Here comes the truck with Mom's davenport.

BETTY:

Oh she'll love it Jimmy, she's- say Jimmy isn't that Mr. Schindel getting out of the truck?

JIMMY:

Oh, but he didn't have to come down here himself... Come on baby, let's find Mom!

SFX:

CROWD SOUNDS

SCHINDEL:

Take it all away boys! Everything you see. A bunch a thieves and robbers!

KID:

Hey, what's the big idea of grabbing my scooter?

SCHINDEL:

It happens to be my scooter!

KID:

What d'you mean? Jimmy MacDonald gave it to me-

SCHINDEL:

And when I get through with that low life MacDonald

POLICEMAN:

Here here, what's going on around here

SCHINDEL:

-Arrest them officer. All these people, arrest them!

POLICEMAN:

Who do you think you are? J. Edgar Hoover?

SCHINDEL:

Ye- Wha? I tell you all this merchandise, it's the property of Schindel Brothers!

POLICEMAN:

And who's got it now?

SCHINDEL:

You've got eyes. These loafers! Enjoying themselves with some of my best numbers. You, young lady, come back with that dolly buggy!

SOPHIE:

Golly, I don't have to, do I?

POLICEMAN:

Ha-ha-ha, no! Beat it kid, beat it... have a good time!

SCHINDEL:

I tell you everything is stolen, down to the last pogo stick!

JIMMY:

Stolen! What's stolen?

SCHINDEL:

Grab him officer! That low life! He comes to my store with a phony check and when I ask him-

JIMMY:

Phony check

SCHINDEL:

-Lowlife! He ain't even had the decency to run away!

JIMMY:

Hey now, listen you-

SCHINDEL:

-Officer, arrest that man!

POLICEMAN:

Arrest him? You starting that again? Now calm down and tell me what he's supposed to have done-

SCHINDEL:

-I've been telling you! He's supposed to walk into my store and flash a sour check in my face! He's supposed to walk out with a diamond ring, which I suppose I don't see on that young woman's finger I suppose! And a nice fur coat which I suppose she ain't showing off in spite of the weather!!

POLICEMAN:

Hmm... was Jimmy in his store Betty?

BETTY:

Well sure he was, so was I! Jimmy offered him the check, but he didn't want to-

SCHINDEL:

Rubber checks he offers me, yet

JIMMY:

-Who says it's a rubber check? Are you nuts?

SCHINDEL:

Dr. Maxford of Maxford House! Maybe he's nuts!

BETTY:

Listen, Dr. Maxford gave Jimmy that check himself! I saw him.

MRS. MACDONALD:

If Jimmy says somebody gave him a check, then somebody gave him a check!

JIMMY:

Now Mom, Mom, take it easy it's just a little mistake somewhere.

MRS. MACDONALD:

Well, well-

POLICEMAN:

-Okay! Okay, Schindel. Now go on home and think it over.

SCHINDEL:

Listen you! I'll break you in so many pieces... All of you! You're all witnesses. This officer refuses to arrest you-

POLICEMAN:

-Are you trying to intimidate an officer in the pursuit of his duty?

SCHINDEL:

Who's trying to imitate anybody? I only want- I want my-

MAXFORD:

(from off mike, shouting) -Officer, officer! Officer! Arrest that man!

SCHINDEL:

That's been tried before.

JIMMY:

Dr. Maxford-

MAXFORD:

-Have you-Have you the nerve to even speak to me young man!

JIMMY:

What're you talking about? I just want you to tell these people that you gave me a check.

MAXFORD:

What check?

BETTY:

What check?? Why, why the one you gave him in your office.

MAXFORD:

Let me see it.

JIMMY:

Certainly, here.

MAXFORD:

Oh, that check!

SFX:

PAPER TEARING

MAXFORD:

Well now, I feel better-

JIMMY:

Wait a minute

SCHINDEL:

-Crook! Destroying evidence!

MAXFORD:

Who are you, you burglar?

SCHINDEL:

Schindel, you schnook!

MAXFORD:

Officer! Officer, I want all these people thrown in jail!

POLICEMAN:

Listen Mussolini, I'm not-

JIMMY:

Dr. Maxford Dr. Maxford, if there's been something wrong, why did you give me the check? Why did you send me the telegram-

MAXFORD:

-I never sent you a telegram in my life! I never heard of you!

JIMMY:

Well you're not going to say you didn't give me the check.

MAXFORD:

That was entirely a mistake! I suspected you the minute you walked into my office!

JIMMY:

You mean I didn't win?

MAXFORD:

You know perfectly well you didn't win!

BETTY:

Oh, Jimmy...

JIMMY:

But-but, gee I-

SCHINDEL:

Wait a minute, he's entirely responsible, this Maxford! This is an honest boy, ladies and gentlemen, and this numbskull here gives him a check! I should take back the merchandise I sold on good faith? Driver, take the davenport up into the lady's apartment! Enjoy it in good health my friend, a present from Dr. Maxford

MAXFORD:

I'll see you in Hoboken before I pay you for anything

SCHINDEL:

And I'll see you in court, where I guarantee you'll pay for everything. Pass the ice cream cones around, with love from Dr. Maxford. He's paying for everything, including court costs

MAXFORD:

-Well there's, there's one present I have for you! Here!

SFX:

PUNCH

SCHINDEL:

Ohhhh... Officer, I'm assaulted with a bloody nose yet.

POLICEMAN:

Okay, okay the two of ya. I'll teach you to make trouble on my beat.

SFX:

POLICE WHISTLE

POLICEMAN:

You're going for a ride, both of ya! C'mon!

(MUSIC)

BETTY:

Jimmy, where've you been darling?

JIMMY:

Oh, just walking.

BETTY:

Everybody's gone now. I've been sitting here on the steps waiting for you.

JIMMY:

I couldn't face them Betty.

BETTY:

Look, supper's ready Jimmy. Been ready for an hour-

JIMMY:

-Yeah?

BETTY:

Oh, it doesn't matter honey. You can't lose something you never had. I don't want his old ring or his old skunk.

JIMMY:

You know what I can't figure out is who sent that telegram.

BETTY:

Jimmy!

JIMMY:

Hmm?

BETTY:

Isn't that Harry coming down the street? And Charlie?

JIMMY:

Yeah, they're carrying something.

BETTY:

Well, it looks like... it's...it's a davenport! Well, there's Al too!

AL:

Hiya Jimmy, Betty!

BETTY:

What in the world are you all doing?

AL:

We got something for you Jimmy.

HARRY:

It's a kind of davenport. Is this the kind your ma wanted?

CHARLIE:

The crank fits on here and when you turn it-

AL:

-It makes it into a full sized double bed at night. The guy says it works swell!

JIMMY:

Oh, I don't know what you had to go get that for.

HARRY:

Well, we, we kinda hoped it'd make up for that phony telegram we rigged up.

CHARLIE:

It was supposed to be a gag Jimmy, just a gag.

AL:

It wasn't a very funny joke... we're sorry Jimmy.

BETTY:

Oh, Jimmy.

JIMMY:

Oh, I, I see. I, I, I get it. Well, thanks for the davenport. You can bring it upstairs if you want-

CHARLIE:

-Oh gee, thanks Jimmy.

HARRY:

We was awful worried. We figured maybe you'd be sore or something.

JIMMY:

No, I'm not sore. If you're going up now, tell my Mom I won't be home for supper.

AL:

Sure we'll tell her Jimmy. Okay guys, let's lug her up.

BETTY:

Jimmy, where're you going?

JIMMY:

I don't know.

BETTY:

May I go with you?

JIMMY:

Hm? Oh, if you want to, it doesn't matter. I guess nothing matters anymore.

(MUSIC)

 

SFX:

APPLAUSE

KENNEDY:

Before Dick Powell and Linda Darnell return for Act Three of "Christmas in July", Libby wants you to listen to something.

LIBBY COLLINS:

See if you can tell the difference between these two sounds.

SFX:

TWO MUSICAL TONES (One short and one long)

LIBBY COLLINS:

Yes, one's short and one's long. But that's not all. Listen again carefully.

SFX:

SAME TONES W/ PERCUSSION (same length, with percussion beating out the length)

LIBBY COLLINS:

That's right the second one lasted three times longer than the first. Now that's exactly what can happen with your undies if you wash them the wrong way they soon look old and drab. But if you use Lux Flakes they can stay lovely three times as long. Quite a difference isn't there? But it's true. Actual washing tests proved it. We purposely washed pretty slips and nighties the wrong way, you know with strong soap and too hot water. You should've seen them after thirty washings of that kind! Half their color was gone, and some of the straps and seams were frayed and pulled apart. But then we washed the same kind of undies in gentle lukewarm Lux suds, and they came out beautifully. Still colorful and lovely and new looking! Now I know you don't want to ruin perfectly good undies proving to yourself what wrong washing can do, so take it from me: Don't risk your undies with soaps that are strong, Lux keeps them new looking three times as long!

KENNEDY:

Now our producer, Mr. Lionel Barrymore.

BARRYMORE:

After the play we'll have a chat with our stars, but now the curtain rises on the third act of "Christmas in July" starring Dick Powell and Linda Darnell, with Raymond Walburn.

SFX:

MUSIC UP

BARRYMORE:

A few hours ago, Jimmy MacDonald had twenty-five thousand dollars in cash, and a couple of million in self-confidence! Right now his physical assets total about ninety-five cents. And spiritually, well there's more starch in your laundry bag! Jimmy's wandered all the way downtown, force of habit's brought him now to his office building. Betty's still at his side, and she says nothing when he takes the elevator to the floor marked, "Baxter and Son".

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS.

SAM:

Who's that? Oh... that you Mister Jimmy?

JIMMY:

Hello Sam.

SAM:

Be careful sir, you don't slip on the floor I just been moppin' up. Evenin' Miss Casey.

BETTY:

Hello Sam. Funny how different an office seems at night-

SAM:

(chuckling) -Why I always say how funny this office looks in the daylight.

JIMMY:

Forget to turn out the light in Mr. Baxter's office Sam?

SAM:

Oh no sir, no sir. I don't forget. Mr. Baxter, he's still in there, working away on something or another-

JIMMY:

Hmm

BETTY:

Well you hoped he'd be here didn't you Jimmy

JIMMY:

Oh, and in a way I guess, I hoped he wouldn't be

BETTY:

-Why don't you wait and tell him in the morning?

SAM:

Sure am glad to hear about your good luck Mr. Jimmy. Uh, you wouldn't be needing a valet now would you?

JIMMY:

No thanks Sam.

SAM:

Well sir, I guess you're right. Pride rides before the fall. But it sure ain't everybody that hits the jack pot while they're young and all.

JIMMY:

You said it.

SFX:

CAT MEOW.

BETTY:

Look, a kitten.

JIMMY:

Yes. Hello cat.

BETTY:

Sam, is it good luck or bad luck when a black cat crosses your path?

SAM:

Miss, I always say that depends on what happens afterwards.

JIMMY:

You said it Sam.

SAM:

But it sure don't happen to everybody sir. Oh, ah, your new office is ready for you Mister Jimmy.

JIMMY:

Oh, I see.

SAM:

See the door? The cleaning man just got through. You see what it says on the door?

BETTY:

Let's look at it Jimmy honey.

JIMMY:

Hmm, yeah. Mister James MacDonald.

BETTY:

Oh, it's beautiful.

JIMMY:

Careful, I-I guess the paint's still wet.

BETTY:

I um, I guess it wouldn't hurt if we went in and sat down for a minute.

JIMMY:

Oh, it was going to be nice wasn't it?

SFX:

BETTY STARTS TO CRY

JIMMY:

(CONT'D) Oh-oh now stop it honey-

BETTY:

Jimmy

JIMMY:

Come on, cut it out now. Please Betty

BAXTER:

Well, ah, may I come in? I heard you talking to Sam

JIMMY:

Oh, I was just coming in to see you Mr. Baxter. We stopped in to take a look at the office.

BAXTER:

Well I hope you like it.

BETTY:

Oh it's just lovely Mr. Baxter.

BAXTER:

Yes. It isn't every young man who gets his own office and a private secretary at your age. A great many of them, I'm afraid, it would go to their heads. But I think you have your feet pretty solidly on the ground.

JIMMY:

Thank you Mr. Baxter.

BAXTER:

I mean it sincerely. Mr. Jenkins and I discussed our little meeting at great length. And I want you to know that we were genuinely impressed. Genuinely so!

JIMMY:

Well that's certainly nice to hear Mr. Baxter.

BAXTER:

Yes, the more we thought about your ideas, the more aware we became of their... pungency. Their brevity, of their-er-... sparkle.

JIMMY:

Thank you sir, it's certainly nice to hear. I-

BAXTER:

-Yes you have a genuine talent for slogans. It must be like having an ear for music. Now take me, I sing flat, and you on the other hand are a born sloganeer. "It's bred in the bean"- Hot diggity!

JIMMY:

Well, it's certainly wonderful to hear Mr. Baxter. I've kind of got something on my mind, but you've certainly made me feel a lot better.

BAXTER:

I'll wager he has something on his mind, huh Miss Casey!?

BETTY:

Oh it's really not what you're probably thinking, Mr. Baxter.

BAXTER:

Oh?

JIMMY:

Well, it's just this sir... Now look, if my ideas were good this afternoon, then they're still good, aren't they? I mean they'd have to be; they're still the same ideas-

BETTY:

Well of course they are

JIMMY:

-Of course they are.

BAXTER:

I'm not quite sure that I receive your thought.

JIMMY:

Well, I, uh, I mean if you thought the ideas were good this afternoon, you still think they're good, don't you?

BAXTER:

Well, of course I do. Why?

JIMMY:

Well, I-I mean since they were good and they're still good, they'd have to be good. And then it wouldn't make so much difference if I-

BETTY:

It wouldn't make any difference

JIMMY:

-Oh, any difference if I hadn't won the contest! The Maxford House Contest, would it?

BAXTER:

Of course it would make a difference!

JIMMY:

Oh it would?

BAXTER:

Well certainly it would.

BETTY:

But why??

BAXTER:

I'm no genius, but I didn't hang on to my father's money by backing my own judgment you know. I make mistakes every day, sometimes several times a day. I've got a whole warehouse full of mistakes. I should say it would make a difference. You see I think your ideas sound good, because they sound good to me, but I know your ideas are good, because you won this contest over millions of others-

JIMMY:

Yes, but you see Mr. Baxter

BAXTER:

-It's what you might call commercial insurance. Like for a race horse. If a horse wins the Kentucky Derby, well, then you back him for the Preekness.

JIMMY:

But I didn't win it.

BAXTER:

The Preekness??

JIMMY:

The contest. I didn't win anything, it was a joke.

BAXTER:

A joke??

BETTY:

That's what they meant it to be.

BAXTER:

Who did?

JIMMY:

Oh, some of the fellows. They didn't mean any harm; they just wanted to see how I'd look when I got the news I guess.

BAXTER:

Well, just you give me their names and we'll see how they look when they get some news!

JIMMY:

Oh, I wouldn't care to do that Mr. Baxter. I, oh well, it doesn't matter.

BAXTER:

What do you mean it doesn't matter? After I spend a whole afternoon listening to a lot of bologna entirely predicated upon the winning of this contest, and giving you this office.

BETTY:

Oh, but Mr. Baxter, how about, "It's bred in the bean, the blue blood coffee?"

BAXTER:

Well, I don't know what about it, we'll find that out. There's plenty of time for that. But I won't be made a fool of you understand! I can't go around handing out private offices and secretaries on the strength of a practical joke, that I personally consider far from funny-

JIMMY:

Yes sir

BAXTER:

-Yes sir!

JIMMY:

It'll be kind of hard to face that gang tomorrow back in my old desk.

BAXTER:

It'd be just as hard to face from in here, if you didn't belong here. "Uneasy lies the head that-

BETTY:

He does belong in here Mr. Baxter.

BAXTER:

Now what is the joke this time?

BETTY:

He belongs in here, because he thinks he belongs in here. Because he thinks-

BAXTER:

Oh, that's all very deep dish and high fallutin, but far from practical-

BETTY:

-It is practical Mr. Baxter; it's the most practical idea you ever had! He belongs in here because he thinks he has ideas. He belongs in here until he proves himself or fails. And then somebody else belongs in here until he proves himself or fails, and then somebody else after him, and so on and so on for always! Oh, I-I don't know how to put it into words like Jimmy could, but all he wants, all any of them want, is a chance! A chance to show, to find out what they've got while they're still young and burning, like a-like a short cut or a stepping stone. Oh I know they're not going to succeed, at least most of them aren't, they'll all be like Mr. Waterbury soon enough, most of them anyway, but they won't mind it. They'll find something else, and they'll be happy, because they had their chance. Because it's one thing to muff a chance when you get it, but it's another thing never to have had a chance! Oh, please Mr. Baxter, his name's already on the door and he's so-

BAXTER:

Well, if anything decided me, that would be it

BETTY:

Oh, Mr. Baxter

BAXTER:

-Now you've talked enough! The desk's already been moved and the name has been painted on, as you so skillfully point out. So we'll try it for a very short time and at no advance in salary, do you understand?

JIMMY:

Yes sir.

BAXTER:

And for a very short time!

JIMMY:

Yes sir.

BAXTER:

After all this is a business institution, not a cultural or governmental project!

BETTY:

Oh, you'll never be sorry Mr. Baxter!!

BAXTER:

Yes? Well I'm a little bit sorry already, so just let it go at that. Good night. Try to be on time in the morning. (going off mic) Oh pshaw-

BETTY:

Jimmy, Jimmy

JIMMY:

You were wonderful. You'll always be wonderful. I'm just a little bit leery about me

BETTY:

-Oh, don't talk like that Jimmy! This is the chance of a lifetime darling, and you know you've got what it takes. You know it!

JIMMY:

I don't know. I never did know until I got that telegram, and now I don't know anymore. I'm like Mr. Baxter, that's why I understood him and didn't say anything, see?

BETTY:

Well, even if it shouldn't work out, it's brought us together darling. And that's something. Listen, I've still got the ring to prove it and you can't back out on me now, or I-I'd sue you. We've plenty to be thankful for Jimmy. Oh, you poor kid...

JIMMY:

Yeah. Well, let's go.

SFX:

CAT MEOWS

JIMMY (CONT'D)

Hm. There's that cat again.

BETTY:

Well, maybe he brought us luck Jimmy.

JIMMY:

Maybe. Good night Sam.

SAM:

(from off mic) Good night sir. Good night.

SFX:

BETTY LAUGHS

JIMMY:

What's so funny?

BETTY:

I was just thinking how ridiculous Dr. Maxford looked this afternoon arguing with Mr. Schindel.

JIMMY:

Ah, that poor old buzzard.

SFX:

MUSIC UP

MAXFORD:

Billdocker, of all the colossal gall! What do you mean by coming to my home and waking me up?

BILLDOCKER:

I've got some good news for you! It took a little doing, but I finally won those clucks over. What a jury-

MAXFORD:

Well it just doesn't matter any more! This has been the stupidest, the most asinine, the most infuriating

BILLDOCKER:

But wait until you hear the winning slogan

MAXFORD:

-But I don't wish to hear the slogan! I don't wish to hear another word about the whole mess. Pick your winner, send him a check, and tell him to go soak his head!

BILLDOCKER:

Listen to this- is this good- "If you don't sleep at night it isn't the coffee, it's the bunk!"

MAXFORD:

Ooooohhh, Billdocker-

BILLDOCKER:

It's what you call a pun, and believe me, some pun! We just sent the winner a telegram, a guy by the name of James MacDonald and Why Dr. Maxford, how pale you look!

SFX:

APPLAUSE

(MUSIC)

 

KENNEDY:

In just a moment our stars will return for a curtain call. These days all our thoughts are on the job our fighting men are doing. It's up to us to back them in every detail! They'll need more and more supplies, ammunition, synthetic rubber tires, yes, and drugs for the wounded. Your used kitchen fats help to make all these things! So, keep filling up that can on the back of your stove.

LIBBY COLLINS:

You know ever since D Day, I've tried to double the amount of fat I've been saving. The way I see it, our boys are doing an all out job in Europe, and we've got to do an all out job here at home too. All the little jobs that add up to so much, like saving every last drop of used fat.

KENNEDY:

Now that we can have meat more often, it should be easy to turn in twice as much as we used to! And even though meats aren't rationed, those two red ration points tokens you get for every pound of waste fats still come in handy for steaks, certain kinds of cheese and butter!

LIBBY COLLINS:

You know Mr. Kennedy, there's one thing I don't understand about that.

KENNEDY:

What's that, Libby Collins, Hollywood Reporter?

LIBBY COLLINS:

Why is it that they give us points for used fats when we don't have to pay any for new ones, like shortening and lard?

KENNEDY:

The government doesn't want to use good cooking fats for industrial uses unless it's necessary to do so.

LIBBY COLLINS:

I should hope not.

KENNEDY:

So, they're asking women to turn in old burned used fats for our war planes. Keep right on saving every drop of used kitchen fat! Keep a tin can by the stove, then take it to your butcher when it's full and collect two points and four cents for every pound. It will be on it's way to a war plane in three weeks. Keep on saving used fats! Now, here's Mr. Barrymore with our stars.

BARRYMORE:

Now in any theatre I've ever seen, this is the time for a curtain call, and nobody's ever earned one more than Dick Powell and Linda Darnell!

POWELL:

Thank you Lionel, it was swell working with you.

BARRYMORE:

Dick, you'd better call me L.B.

POWELL:

L.B.?

BARRYMORE:

Yep, it's a rule here you know. (They all chuckle) The producer has to be called by his initials.

DARNELL:

Well I guess when you first came to Hollywood Mr. Barrymore things were a little different than they are now.

BARRYMORE:

Uh huh. When I got off the train Linda, there were hundreds of Indians all over the place.

DARNELL:

Oh, then you were here before Mr. DeMille, huh?

BARRYMORE:

No, the Indians were working in one of DeMille's pictures. I was a youngster of thirty-five or so. How old were you when you started working in pictures Linda?

DARNELL:

Oh, fifteen.

POWELL:

Lionel probably started on the stage about the same age, huh?

BARRYMORE:

Oh no Dick, no, you see everybody in my family wears the same costume for their first appearance on the stage.

DARNELL:

Oh-oh... rompers?

BARRYMORE:

No, diapers.

POWELL:

I'd go to see you in diapers myself. Incidentally, did DeMille leave word about next week's play?

BARRYMORE:

He'll be back himself Dick. And the play will be, "It Happened Tomorrow." And the stars will be Don Ameche and Anne Baxter. And if you've ever dreamed of all the money you could make and all the wonderful things you could do if you only knew exactly what was going to happen tomorrow, this is the story. It's a strange drama of a man and a girl and tomorrow's newspaper.

POWELL:

Um, we'll all be listening Lionel, good night!

DARNELL:

Good night!

BARRYMORE:

Good night. Good night, good night, good night!

SFX:

APPLAUSE

(MUSIC)