Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Radio City Playhouse
Show: The Plotters
Date: Oct 10 1949

Announcer
Producer Harry Junkin
Thurston Holloway
Porter Gordon
Letty and
Baby, their wives
Detective

ANNOUNCER:

Radio City, New York.

MUSIC

ANNOUNCER:

From Radio City, New York, where every day famous stars of stage, screen and radio bring America the greatest in entertainment, The National Broadcasting Company presents Radio City Playhouse. Attraction 56.

MUSIC:

(HARP ARPEGGIO, FOLLOWED BY "SHANGRI LA")

ANNOUNCER:

And here is the director of Radio City Playhouse, Harry W. Junkin.

JUNKIN:

Thank you, Fred Collins, and good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Today, as a change from our usual serious dramatic fare, we're presenting a comedy. Now, because we feel that a sense of humor is a rather personal thing, different with each individual, we are leaving it entirely up to you, in your own living room, to laugh or not as you see fit. In our efforts to amuse you, we have managed to obtain the services of two of the funniest actors we know - Mr. Ian Martin and Mr. Arthur Cole. From this point on, the laughter, or the sense of humor, or whatever you want to call it, is up to you. Here, then is our show, Ian Martin as Porter and Arthur Cole as Thurston in "The Plotters," attraction 56 on Radio City Playhouse.

MUSIC:

(HARP ARPEGGIO, FOLLOWED BY "FAR AWAY PLACES")

ANNOUNCER:

There comes a point in every married man's life when nostalgic memories of being single drive him almost out of his mind. Usually this period of emotional disturbance begins with the coming of spring ...

MUSIC:

(SPRING)

ANNOUNCER:

Ah, spring. But spring for Thurston Holloway and his friend and neighbor Porter Gordon means nothing. Nothing but a time to dream about what might have been--to sit on Thurston's front porch swing, read travel folders and wish... and wish..

MUSIC:

(HARP)

SFX:

CRICKETS AND PORCH SWING CREAK UNDER.

PORTER:

Listen to this, Thurston.

THURSTON:

(Grunts approval)

PORTER:

Glorious bathing, gala social life, the magic of the Caribbean, windblown sunny days and romantic tropical moonlit nights.

THURSTON:

(Grunt)

PORTER:

And then there's a picture of a man and a woman standing on a balcony and looking away, out into the sunset.

THURSTON:

(Grunt)

PORTER:

Ah, Thurston, this just breaks my big fat ol' heart.

THURSTON:

And here we sit, Porter, while all that goes on in Nassau.

PORTER:

Nassau.

THURSTON:

Not only Nassau, Porter, but many other places, so many other places. (Deep sigh.) We've missed all of it.

PORTER:

(Gulp) All of it.

THURSTON:

And girls, too. All kinds, shapes and sizes of (sigh) girls.

PORTER:

Girls. Girls. We're old, Thurston. That's all. You know we've been doing this for almost 15 years - talking about travel.

THURSTON:

Far away places.

PORTER :

Remember when we planned to go around the world?

THURSTON:

Around the world.

PORTER:

Saved money for five long years and then you, you...

THURSTON:

I know.

PORTER:

You...You married Letty.

THURSTON:

I know.

PORTER:

You stopped us!

THURSTON:

I was infatuated. But you weren't much better. You married Baby, you..

PORTER:

Well, I know.

THURSTON:

Well...

PORTER:

On the rebound, Thurston! Rebound, pure and simple.

THURSTON:

We couldn't help it, fella. I don't blame you.

PORTER :

Didn't have a chance.

THURSTON:

Fifteen years we worked and slaved for those two... women.

PORTER:

Yeah. (sigh) Fifteen years of... nuthin'. That sums up our lives.

THURSTON:

Our miserable, inconsequential, dull, boring lives.

PORTER:

Yeah.

SFX:

PAPER RUSTLING.

PORTER :

Hey, listen to this, it says the Ile De France is back.

THURSTON:

Where was it?

SFX:

PAPER RUSTLING.

PORTER:

Hey, look, Thurston, here's one on Hawaii.

THURSTON:

Ha-waii. Waikiki.

PORTER:

Waikiki. Palm trees and everything. Hawaii!

THURSTON:

Shh. Our wives are coming back.

PORTER:

Aw. Look at 'em.

THURSTON:

Revolting, isn't it?

PORTER:

Utterly revolting.

THURSTON:

I know just what they're going to say.

PORTER:

We should, we've been listening to them for 15 years.

THURSTON:

Letty will ask us if we want to walk to the drug store with them.

PORTER:

(sigh) The drugstore.

LETTY:

(coming on mike) ... call me, but naturally mine were bigger than hers because she didn't use any fertilizer.

THURSTON:

Fertilizer.

BABY:

Well that isn't mean, Letty. Everybody knows you've got the biggest violets in town...

THURSTON:

Biggest violets is right.

PORTER :

Shh. Thurston, they'll hear you.

THURSTON:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LETTY:

Do you boys want to walk to the drugstore?

BABY:

We need some toothpaste, and I want a soda.

PORTER:

(whispers) Oh, that sounds like adventure.

BABY:

Lette, look. Travel magazines again. Honestly, you two are so silly.

LETTY:

Oh, never mind, Baby. They're just like a couple of schoolboys playing cops and robbers. You think they'd grow up, wouldn't you?

BABY:

(walking off) It's a good thing they have you and I. Portie couldn't put his shoes on in the morning if I didn't stand over him and (fades)

THURSTON:

Did you hear what they said?

PORTER:

Yeah. Schoolboys.

THURSTON :

I sure must have been a schoolboy when I married Letty.

PORTER:

Yeah. See, Thurston, it isn't that we hate 'em. It's just that they're such... bags.

THURSTON:

Bags is right.

PORTER :

Sure are stuck.

THURSTON :

I'm 50, you're 51. We each have about 23 years' expectancy. Every Sunday we sit and talk about Hawaii and Nassau and Indochina and not do a thing. Not a thing.

PORTER:

No!

THURSTON:

Wha...?

PORTER:

We won't! Not for another 23 years, I just couldn't stand it.

THURSTON:

Porter...

PORTER:

Let's do it! It's not too late yet. We've got 23 years ahead of us. Let's go around the world!

THURSTON:

You're crazy. Letty gets sick in a canoe.

PORTER: Who said anything about Letty?

THURSTON:

Well, I, Porter, what do you mean?

PORTER :

Leave 'em.

THURSTON:

What?

PORTER :

Yeah, leave the both of them, with their toothpaste and their fertilizer and their... their African violets.

THURSTON:

But what about?

PORTER:

Fifteen years is all a woman has the right to expect. Do! That's the word we've been forgetting for all these years. Do! Let's just stop talking about it and do it!

THURSTON:

You're right, Porter. You're so right!

PORTER:

Of course I'm right.

THURSTON:

We'll do it. We'll leave 'em flat!

PORTER:

Yeah, yeah. Then let 'em scoff at our travel magazines.

THURSTON:

While we're in The China Sea.

PORTER:

(laugh) Or sleeping on the steps of the Taj Mahal!

(Both laugh)

 

THURSTON:

What about money?

PORTER:

(Laugh cut short) Eww. (Pause) Money?

THURSTON:

Money.

PORTER :

(Mumbles). We can work our way around the world, can't we?

THURSTON:

Not me, Porter. I couldn't work my way around the block.

PORTER:

Oooh, money! Sometimes I hate it.

THURSTON:

Me too.

PORTER:

We need thousands. Thousands!

THURSTON:

Or even more.

(Pause.)

 

SFX:

SWING UNDER

THURSTON:

Well, it was great while it lasted.

PORTER:

Yeah...

THURSTON:

Money.

PORTER:

I got a hundred eighty-five dollars in the bank.

THURSTON:

That's nice. I got sixty.

PORTER:

That's nice.

THURSTON:

Fifteen years working and between us we can't even raise three hundred dollars.

PORTER:

Uh, Thurston?

THURSTON:

Yeah?

PORTER:

I got ten thousand dollars worth of insurance on Baby.

THURSTON:

That's nice.

PORTER:

Yeah.

THURSTON:

I've got six thousand on Letty.

PORTER:

That's nice.

THURSTON:

Yeah.

PORTER:

We could go a long way on sixteen thousand dollars. Couldn't we?

THURSTON:

Yeah. Yeah, we could!

PORTER:

Provocative, isn't it?

THURSTON:

Very provocative, Porter. Very...

PORTER:

But how, Thurston? How? They're both as healthy as hogs.

MUSIC:

SCENE CHANGE. EXCITED.

BABY:

(Scream, continuing)

SFX:

FALLING DOWN STEPS.

BABY:

(Scream ends.)

PORTER:

There she goes. All the way down the stairs. I guess I better go take a look.

SFX:

WALKS DOWN STEPS.

PORTER:

(quietly) Baby? Hmm? I guess I better phone the doctor. Nah, I'll wait fifteen minutes. Then I'll call the doctor.:

BABY: (Groans.)

PORTER:

Oh, Baby. Baby, are you all right?

BABY:

Help me up, darling.

PORTER:

You're all right.

BABY:

Help me up.

PORTER:

Oh, oh. What? Oh, I'll phone the doctor, Babe.

BABY:

(Angry) You needn't bother.

PORTER:

Oh, it's no bother. I'd do that for anybody.

BABY:

Help me up! There's a rip in that rug at the top of the stairs and I caught my heel. I could've killed myself!

PORTER:

Yeah. You could've.

MUSIC:

SCENE CHANGE

SFX:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.



THURSTON:

That you, Letty?

LETTY:

Of course it's me. I told you your rubber boots were in the garage. Honestly, Thurston, you just don't look for things. They were right where I said they were. What do you want with your rubber boots anyway?

THURSTON:

I thought I might go fishing with Porter.

LETTY:

They've got holes all over the bottoms and you know it. Oh, here they are.

SFX:

BOOTS TOSSED ON FLOOR.

LETTY:

Dirty old things.

THURSTON:

Thank you, Letty.

LETTY:

Send me out to the garage to look for something that stares you right in the face. They were right where I said they were. (sighs) I'm going to bed. You coming?

THURSTON:

Uh, in a minute.

LETTY:

Thurston, will you stop looking at those travel folders? That one on Samoa with the native girl on the front is positively obscene!

THURSTON:

All right, Letty.

LETTY:

By the way, when I came out of the garage and closed the door that horseshoe right above the entrance fell and almost hit me on the head.

THURSTON:

Letty...

LETTY:

You better nail it up again. It might have killed me!

THURSTON:

Yeah. I know.

MUSIC:

SCENE CHANGE. MORE MELANCHOLY.

THURSTON:

Porter...

PORTER:

Now don't tell me, Thurston. I can see it by the look on your face. No luck, huh?

THURSTON:

Nah. The horseshoe missed her.

PORTER:

Baby fell down the stairs all right. But she wasn't even bruised. Relaxed her muscles, I guess.

THURSTON:

They sure are tough.

PORTER:

Tough? Indestructible.

THURSTON:

Are we stymied?

PORTER:

No, sir. Not by a long shot!

THURSTON:

Well...

PORTER:

(A new plan hatches) You're coming over to my place tonight. We'll spend some time at my workbench in the basement.

THURSTON:

You got an idea?

PORTER:

Have I got an idea! Foolproof!

THURSTON:

What?

PORTER:

You'll see. (Delighted with himself) You'll see. This time next week we'll be leaving for Samoa with SIXTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!

THURSTON:

Yeah?

PORTER:

Samoa! The land of adventure and enchantment.

THURSTON:

Tropical nights and the blue surf.

(Both giggle.)

 

PORTER:

Oh, yeah, Thurston. I forgot to ask you...

THURSTON:

Yeah?

PORTER:

When you and Lette come over tonight, will you do me a favor?

THURSTON:

Sure, Porter, sure. What?

PORTER:

Will you bring along your rip saw?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

SAWING.

PORTER:

I wonder what kind of wood this is. It's like steel.

THURSTON:

Maybe my saw's dull. Or maybe there's a spike in it.

SFX:

SAWING STOPS

PORTER:

A spike?

THURSTON:

Yeah, a spike, to hold the step on the two braces.

PORTER:

Is that the way they build cellar steps?

THURSTON:

I dunno. Could be.

PORTER:

I'd hate to think I spent the last half hour sawing through a spike.

THURSTON:

I guess if it was a spike all the teeth would have been broken.

PORTER:

Just like theirs, huh? (Giggles.)

THURSTON:

I know what you mean.

(Both chuckle.)

 

PORTER:

Well, that about does it. I've sawed the three top steps almost through. Only I wish we had something besides a tape measure to measure with.

THURSTON:

How far do you think is it?

PORTER:

Well, Thurston old pal, I figure when they crash through this step they'll fall, uh, lemme see, eight feet... nine and three quarter inches.

THURSTON:

Is that enough?

PORTER:

Well, it's the best you can do unless you wanna dig a hole in the cellar floor to get an extra foot or so maybe.

THURSTON:

I don't think we'll need it. Eight feet nine and three quarter inches onto solid cement oughta do the trick.

PORTER :

Yup.

THURSTON:

Probably bust the cement.

PORTER:

They'll go right through to China!

(Both laugh.)

 

THURSTON:

Uh, listen, Porter. Something just occurred to me. How can you be sure they'll both fall?

PORTER:

Well, (pause to consider), oh, uh, ooh. I'll say something about how they should take each other's arm or something.

THURSTON:

Well, one might see the other falling and have time to stop.

PORTER :

Well that's a risk we'll have to take. I mean, at least it's a step in the right direction, if you get what I mean. (Chuckle.)

THURSTON:

(Laughs.)

PORTER:

Well, I think we're about ready.

THURSTON:

Test one of the steps.

PORTER:

Huh? Oh yeah.

SFX:

CREAKING STEP.

THURSTON:

Careful! Don't break it.

PORTER:

Baby'll go through that like a knife through butter.

(Both giggle.)

 

THURSTON:

The lights. Turn off the lights.

PORTER:

Ooh, yeah.

SFX:

LIGHT SWITCH

THURSTON:

There.

PORTER:

Well, Thurston. Here we go again. Second time's the charm.

THURSTON:

Let's hope so.

PORTER:

Shake on it?

THURSTON:

Porter, old friend.

PORTER:

Keep your fingers crossed.

THURSTON:

Letty! Baby!

LETTY:

(off) What is it, Thurston?

THURSTON:

Porter and I want you girls to come downstairs.

LETTY:

(off) Why?

THURSTON :

(To Porter) Should I tell her?

PORTER:

Say we've got something to show 'em.

THURSTON:

We got something to show ya!

LETTY:

(off) Well, bring it upstairs!

THURSTON:

We can't bring it upstairs.

LETTY:

Why?

PORTER:

Tell her it's tied up.

THURSTON:

We can't bring it upstairs because it's tied up.

LETTY:

What? Thurston, have you and Porter got a dog down there?

PORTER:

Aw, come on down to the cellar, Baby. We've got something REAL INTERESTING to show you!

BABY:

Oh, all right.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS

LETTY:

Thurston, turn on the lights.

THURSTON:

We can't.

LETTY:

Why not?

PORTER:

(To Thurston) It glows.

THURSTON:

We can't turn on the lights because it glows in the dark.

BABY:

We can't see the stairs.

PORTER:

Hang on to each other's arms.

BABY:

All right, dear. Here we come.

SFX:

STAIRS BREAK.

BABY and LETTY Scream.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE DRAMATIC.

PORTER :

Thurston?

THURSTON:

Yes, Porter.

PORTER:

When do you think we'll get out of the hospital?

THURSTON:

Nurse said next Monday.

PORTER :

How's your arm?

THURSTON:

It's all right. They're taking the cast off tomorrow.

PORTER:

That's nice.

THURSTON:

How's your head?

PORTER:

They're taking the bandages off today.

THURSTON:

That's nice.

PORTER :

It certainly was a surprise, wasn't it?

THURSTON:

If we'd only known they'd fall right on top of us we could have backed off more.

PORTER:

Yeah, it was that fallin' step that broke your arm, wasn't it?

THURSTON:

Clipped it right in two.

PORTER:

Terrible. Pass me some peanuts.

THURSTON:

Sure.

PORTER:

Thanks.

SFX:

PEANUT CRUNCHING.

THURSTON:

Glad we got a semi-private together.

PORTER:

Yeah.

THURSTON:

Give me another one of Baby's salt water kisses.

PORTER:

Oh, sure. They're hard to chew but they taste good.

THURSTON:

(chewing) Mmm. Yeah.

PORTER:

Kind of restful, being in the hospital.

THURSTON :

(chewing) Gives you time to think.

PORTER:

Yeah.

THURSTON:

I'm doing it this time, Porter.

PORTER :

(Startled) Huh? Oh, no, Thurston, don't you think...?

THURSTON:

You're not weakening on me, are you?

PORTER:

Well, no, I ...

THURSTON:

We can't let a little miscalculation deter us, can we?

PORTER:

Well, I suppose we shouldn't...

THURSTON:

I have thought of something foolproof.

PORTER:

Oh yeah? What?

THURSTON :

(chuckles) All in good time, Porter, old friend. All in good time. (chuckles) Oh, by the way, I sent the nurse out for the latest copy of Holiday Magazine. This one's on... Mozambique.

PORTER:

Africa.

THURSTON:

Yeah.

PORTER:

Egypt.

THURSTON:

The Nile.

PORTER:

The Pyramids.

THURSTON:

The Sphinx.

PORTER:

Cleo-paytra!

THURSTON:

Peanuts?

PORTER:

No thanks. Tell me, Thurston. What is your plan this time?

THURSTON:

All right now, Porter, I'll tell you. As soon as we get out of the hospital, we suggest to the girls that we take a holiday, see? Just a week. But we can say that we've both been shaken up and the doctor says we need a rest. See?

MUSIC:

"FAR AWAY PLACES" UNDER THEN UP.

THURSTON:

When the girls say, "where are we going?" That's when we say...

VOICES FADE.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE "FAR AWAY PLACES".

BABY:

But why Niagara Falls?

PORTER:

Well, Thurston wants to go there, Baby, and so do I.

BABY:

But why Niagara Falls? :

PORTER: I dunno. We just got out of the hospital. I thought you'd show me some consideration.

BABY:

Well, it's so nice at Wickanangsee Lodge.

PORTER:

Well, we can go to Wickanangsee some other time.

BABY:

But why Niagara Falls?

PORTER:

You'll love it, Baby, we can take pictures and watch the water under the lights.

BABY:

Well...

PORTER:

It isn't often that one has the chance to stand on a cliff and look straight down for three hundred and twenty-six feet.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SFX:

TRAIN

PORTER:

Hey, Thurston, don't you think we'd better get back to the girls? We can't stay in the smoker all day, they'll get suspicious.

THURSTON:

In a minute, Porter old friend. I'm just figuring out how far that insurance will go.

PORTER:

Yeah, but I...

THURSTON:

Now wait. How much will we spend getting over to Japan? Lessee, that's sixteen thousand less um, er, um. Well, we'd still have thirteen thousand five hundred when we got to Honolulu.

PORTER:

Thought you said Japan.

THURSTON:

Oh, yeah, that's right. Fifteen thousand less Japan...

PORTER:

You don't think sixteen thousand will last all the way around the world.

THURSTON:

It might be fun to get stranded, huh?

PORTER:

In a warm country.

THURSTON:

Maybe Egypt. Egypt. Make friends with some sloe-eyed Egyptian princess...

PORTER:

Egyptian. Egyptians aren't sloe-eyed. Only the Chinese.

THURSTON:

Anyway, it would be fun.

PORTER:

Well you can't just...

THURSTON:

I'd like to see us living in Casablanca.

PORTER:

Well, maybe if you...

THURSTON:

Can't you just see it? Riding a camel into the French quarter in Casablanca..

SFX:

TRAIN WHISTLE

PORTER:

Yeah, Thurston, but right now we're riding the day coach into the American quarter of Niagara Falls.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

THURSTON:

Well we're almost at the Falls now.

BABY:

Why didn't you tell us it was this far?

LETTY:

Too darned far.

BABY:

Oh it's gonna be dark before we get there. Porter, why didn't you tell us it was this far?

PORTER:

I didn't know it was this far.

THURSTON:

Porter, Letty, Baby, please.. Be patient. I know it's around here somewhere.: But after all, I haven't been here for years.

LETTY:

Well I'm just about dead.

PORTER:

Is it much farther, Thurston?

THURSTON:

It's right around here somewhere. There's a flat piece of rock about fifteen feet square, and there's the most marvelous view.

BABY:

It'll be dark by the time we find it.

PORTER:

Don't be impatient, Baby.

BABY:

Why didn't you tell us it was this far?

THURSTON:

There! Right over there!

LETTY:

Where?

THURSTON:

See that flat piece of rock?

BABY:

Such a long time!

THURSTON:

Come on, girls. Not much farther now. Just a few more feet. I'll hold this branch. Now, go ahead, Letty.

LETTY:

Thank you.

THURSTON:

Baby..

BABY:

Why didn't you tell us it was this far?

PORTER:

Now go ahead, Baby.

BABY:

Now don't you get away behind us.

THURSTON:

We won't. (whispers) This is it. Hey, Porter.

PORTER:

Hey, girls, wanna XXXX? Smell that air, just smell it.

LETTY and BABY smell and sigh.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS

THURST:

Isn't that a magnificent view now, isn't it?

LETTY:

Too dark.

THURST:

Oh, it's just right. What do you think, Porter?

BABY:

We're way too far from the Falls. I thought they'd make a big roar.

PORTER:

I think it's perfect. Just perfect.

THURSTON:

Now those are the Canadian Falls to the right. We're closest to the American Falls.

BABY:

And how can you tell - radar?

PORTER:

Oh, Baby, don't be sarcastic with poor Thurston.

BABY:

But why didn't you tell us it was this far?

PORTER:

Thurston's gone to a lot of trouble, haven't you, Thurston?

THURSTON:

Oh it was worth it, Porter. Worth it.

LETTY:

I wish we could have seen all this in daylight.

PORTER:

Daylight wouldn't have done..

THURSTON:

Move closer to the edge now, ladies. It's thrilling to look straight down.

LETTY:

No thanks.

THURST:

You don't want to look over the edge?

LETTY:

No, this is fine. Back here is just fine.

PORTER:

How about you, Baby?

BABY:

Uh-uh.

PORTER:

It's like you're looking into another world - 326 feet straight down.

BABY:

Heights make me dizzy.

LETTY:

Ouch!

SFX:

SLAP

LETTY:

Blasted fly! All right, we've seen the Falls. Now let's get out of here and get back to the hotel.

PORTER:

We can't leave yet.

THURSTON:

Oh look! They've turned on the searchlights. They've turned on the searchlights on the Canadian Falls.

BABY:

Oh yeah? Let me look. Move over.

PORTER:

Make more room, Thurston.

BABY:

Say, it is rather pretty at that.

LETTY:

Let me see. Move over.

THURSTON :

We'll step back so you girls can have a good look. Come on, Porter.

BABY:

Must take a lot of horsepower.

LETTY:

I thought it was candle power. Matter of fact, I thought it was kilowatts.

BABY:

Must be very complicated.

PORTER:

Okay, Thurston. Pal, this is it.

THURSTON:

Third time and out, eh?

PORTER:

Ooh, look at them standing there, so unsuspecting. Sad, sort of..

THURSTON:

You're not weakening, are you?

PORTER:

No, not me.

THURSTON:

Good luck, Porter.

PORTER:

Put 'er there, Thurston, my friend.

THURSTON:

See you in Hawaii, Porter.

PORTER:

On the beach at Waikiki!

THURSTON:

You take Baby and I'll take Letty.

PORTER:

No, the other way around. You kill my wife and I'll kill yours. It doesn't seem so bad that way.

THURSTON:

Okay.

PORTER:

A quick rush and a heave. You ready?

THURSTON:

Let's go.

SFX:

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

BABY and LETTY Scream.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

DETECTIVE:

But surely, ladies, you must have some idea why your husbands wanted to commit suicide.

LETTY:

(crying) No, officer. We haven't.

BABY:

(crying) None.

DETECTIVE:

I don't understand it. I've been ten years with the Niagara Falls police and I just don't understand it.

LETTY:

Thurston had an aversion to cucumbers. (pause) But surely that wouldn't be the reason. :

DETECTIVE: Hm. Now you're sure you can't tell me any more about how it happened?

LETTY:

I can't talk about it any more.

BABY:

Well, as I told you, the lights went on, Letty and I were looking and suddenly we heard this sort of funny noise. Letty and I took a couple of steps toward each other and all of a sudden they just whizzed right past us.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

LETTY:

I thought the funeral was lovely. Just the way they would have wanted it.

BABY:

Both coffins side by side.

LETTY:

Yes.

BABY:

This house just doesn't seem the same. I don't think I can stand it without Porter.

LETTY:

I know.

BABY:

Letty?

LETTY:

Yes?

BABY:

Did Thurston have any insurance?

LETTY:

We had twin policies. Six thousand dollars.

BABY:

Oh. That's nice.

LETTY :

Did Porter have any?

BABY:

We had twin policies, too. Ten thousand dollars.

LETTY:

That's nice.

BABY:

Yeah.

LETTY:

That means we have sixteen thousand dollars between us. What are we going to do, Baby? We can't just sit around this town the rest of our lives.

BABY:

I know, Letty. I know.

LETTY:

Poor dear boys. With their travel folders. Travel. That's all they wanted to do.

SFX:

PAPER RUSTLING.

BABY:

Here. Look at this.

LETTY:

What?

BABY:

(reads) Glorious bathing, gala social life. The magic of Caribbean windblown sunny days and romantic tropical moonlit nights.

LETTY:

(Sighs.)

BABY:

And here's a picture of a man and a woman standing on a balcony looking way out into the sunset.

LETTY:

Wouldn't it be wonderful? Baby, ..

BABY:

Yes?

LETTY:

We could go clean around the world on sixteen thousand dollars.

BABY:

Look, and later on it says, "The terrifying excitement of deep sea fishing..

MUSIC:

BEGINS UNDER

BABY:

Combined with the romance of rhumba filled nights.

MUSIC:

OUT.

ANNOUNCER:

You have just heard "The Plotters" a murder story offered in apology to all current crime shows enjoying high Hooper ratings. The two vile killers who got their just desserts were played with great restraint and emotion by _____ and _____.

Bag Number One, alias Letty, was played by ______. Bag Number Two, alias Baby, was played by _______.

The short smart part of the detective was played with usual consummate skill for which _____ is famous. MUSIC was by ____. And the script, based on an idea by Art Conibere, was written by Harry w. Junkin, who also directed the dastardly production. Would you mind being serious now as we play our theme?

MUSIC:

"SHANGRI LA"