Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Vic and Sade
Show: Vic is Elected to the Congress of Distinguished Americans
Date: Date Unknown

first broadcast in 1935

Narr:

It's a few minutes past twelve o'clock noon as we enter the small house half-way up in the next block now, and here in the kitchen we find Mrs. Victor Gook and her young son Rush. This latter individual has just arrived home from work, and is saying to his mother:

RUSH:

I got a ride with Homer Croyman. That's how come I'm here so early.

SADE:

Why didn't Homer Croyman give your dad a lift too?

RUSH:

He offered to, but Gov was walkin' along with Mr. Kneesuffer an' there wasn't room for all of us in the car so he declined.

SADE:

Uh-huh. Lands, I been busy this morning. Haven't even got my table set yet. Wanta help?

RUSH:

Sure.

SADE:

I pitched into your clothes closet this morning. An' what a job it was. How one boy can get his things in asuch a mess is beyond me. I bet I picked up enough junk in that closet to...Golly, son, I guess you got to go to the store. Not a smidgin of salt in the house.

RUSH:

Maybe there's some in the salt-cellar in the buffet.

SADE:

No, I emptied that the other day. Trot, will ya? Gov'll be home in half a minute.

RUSH:

I'll go over to Mis' Fisher's an' borrow enough salt to...

SADE:

(negative) Uh-uh. Go on to the store. Got any money in your pocket?

RUSH:

No.

SADE:

In the top right-hand buffet drawer?fetch my purse.

RUSH:

(moving off) I never keep any cash in my overall pocket. It has a tendency to fall out. Overall pockets are so roomy, nickels an' dimes slosh around an'...

SFX:

SCREEN DOOR OPEN

VIC:

(opening screen door) Hi-de-hi, Ho-de-ho.

SADE:

Well, mister.

VIC:

The day is bright; the sun is warm; my wife is cute.

SFX:

SCREEN DOOR CLOSE

SADE:

(as screen door slams)Your wife's been awful busy this morning.

VIC:

(closer) That's nice.

RUSH:

(off) Hello, Gov.

VIC:

(calls) What?

RUSH:

(off) Hello.

VIC:

(calls) O.K. (to Sade): Mrs. Gook, I am gratified to be able to tell you your husband has been signally honored.

SADE:

That so? Has Mr. Ruebush decided to...

RUSH:

(calls) Mom, there's a dime on top of the buffet. Shall I take that?

SADE:

(calls) All right. (to Vic) He's got to go to the store for salt. We'll wait till he gets back before we sit down to the table.

VIC:

Uh-huh.

SADE:

What'd you say happened?

VIC:

Your husband has been picked out of the common herd an' honored by...

RUSH:

(coming up) Anything else, Mom?

SADE:

No, just salt. Kinda step on it. We can't eat till you get back.

RUSH:

(up) O.K. Pretty hot walkin' up the alley, wasn't it, Gov?

VIC:

Yeah.

RUSH (moving off):

You oughta have high-class friends like I got. Whip you around in their automobile.

VIC:

I wouldn't ride in that tractor you come home in for five dollars.

RUSH:

(SFX SCREEN DOOR OPEN) No? Allow me to tell you that the motor in that job is a six-cylinder...

SADE:

Rush, go.

RUSH:

Just salt, huh?

SADE:

Just salt. (SFX SCREEN DOOR SLAM) (to Vic) That boy will stand around an' talk your arm off an' kill time at his own funeral.

VIC:

I expect he will.

SADE:

You get a raise in your pay?

VIC:

No. Why?

SADE:

You said somethin' had happened, an' I thought maybe...

VIC:

Oh. No, here's what I was talkin' about. Permit me to read you a letter that arrived in this morning's mail.

SADE:

Wish they'd get busy on that raise in your pay. They promise a person a thing an' then forget all about it.

VIC:

Yeah. Listen to this: (reads) "Dear Mr. Gook. The Board of Advisers of the Congress of Distinguished Americans has elected you to membership. Please accept our hearty congratulations and those of President Lester M. Cuff, our honorary supervisor and worthy patron. Henceforth you will be privileged to wear the badge of our order and append to your name the letters P. C.?Public Commander. Your engraved certificate will follow shortly. New York, Chicago and Los Angeles newspapers have been notified. Yours very truly. Hamilton T. Looperman, Royal Chieftain.

SADE:

What is it?

VIC:

What is what?

SADE:

All that.

VIC:

Perhaps I didn't read clearly.

SADE:

Do you belong to something?

VIC:

I thought the letter was couched in understandable English. Of course I belong to something. I belong to the Congress of Distinguished Americans. I'm a "P.C."

SADE:

P.C.?

VIC:

Public Commander.

SADE:

You get anything out of it?

VIC:

Whatcha mean "get anything out of it"?

SADE:

Money?

VIC:

Aw, shucks. If you were elected President of the United States would you ask if you got anything out of it?

SADE:

Sure.

VIC:

I can't understand some people.

SADE:

Well, I don't know what that business is about.

VIC:

Sade, the Congress of Distinguished Americans is an organization that selects outstanding men.

SADE:

I never heard of it.

VIC:

Neither did I till I got this letter, but apparently it's a darn important thing.

SADE:

They select outstanding men, huh?

VIC:

Yeah.

SADE:

Then what do they do?

VIC:

Who?

SADE:

The ones that...I mean what do you do after you belong?

VIC:

(exasperated) What does a soldier do after he gets a medal?

SADE:

Kisses the general, I guess. (laughs at her own waggishness)

VIC:

(tough)Oh, thunder.

SADE:

Well, I don't know what kind of business it is ya joined.

VIC:

I didn't join any business. I have been voted a member of an honorary society. Just like Henry Ford the other day got made a college professor or somethin'.

SADE:

Oh.

VIC:

He gets to put degrees behind his name. So do I. I'm a P.C. (tastes the sound of it) Victor Gook, P. C.

SADE:

Public what...was it?

VIC:

Public Commander.

SADE:

Um. Victor Gook, P. C., huh?

VIC:

Right.

SADE:

Am I Mrs. Victor Gook, P. C.?

VIC:

No.

SADE:

Thought maybe I was. (laughs at her humor)

VIC:

(tough) Pretty doggone funny, ain't it?

SADE:

Well, lands.

VIC:

I expect if the Czar of Russia give me the Royal Garter you'd laugh.

SADE:

Goodness, a person'd think...

VIC:

Look, Sade, I've been honored by a group of illustrious men. Is that comical?

SADE:

No, but...

VIC:

How ya s'pose I feel? Come home with a wreath of triumph to lay in my wife's lap an' what do I get but a lot of dumb kiddin'.

SADE:

If I understood more about ...

VIC:

Here, let me read you the names of some of the other Public Commanders.

SADE:

All right.

VIC:

(reads) "Jason B. Slopklinker, President of the Wilson Welding Works; H.Y. Flubby, President of the Treason Tire Company; I. Clayton Smart, Secretary-Treasurer of the Oglesby National Bank, Oglesby Arizona; Piping N. Toothler, Mayor of Indian Tree, North Dakota; O. N. Price, Professor of Astromony, Eldorado University; Orbit U. Hunk, Chief of Staff, Happy Roller Hospital."

SADE:

Um.

VIC:

Pretty impressive-soundin' lay-out, wouldn't you say?

SADE:

Yeah.

VIC:

(with relish) Victor Good, P. C.

SADE:

Um.

Vic:

Know what I think I'll have done?

SADE:

What?

VIC:

Think I'll have some cards made with that on.

SADE:

P.C.?

VIC:

Yeah. Not to hand around to everybody, of course. That'd look silly. But just to kinda carry in my card-case, ya know.

SADE:

Uh-huh. Say, does this business cost you anything?

VIC:

Well, yes, a small amount.

SADE:

How much?

VIC:

I'll read you the post-script. (reads) "Public Commanders are assessed a small fee of 75 cents which is used to maintain the records. The engraved membership certificate is 1 dollar and is sent to you C.O.D. Another charge of 1 dollar is made to cover cost of having member's name printed on the Royal Roster in the Garfield Room of our National Capitol in Washington, DC". (to Sade) Think of that, kiddo.

SADE:

Um. Any other money to pay?

VIC:

"The badge of our order, which is simply a small fleur-de-lis to be worn in the lapel, will be sent to you for 50 cents."

SADE:

How much does that make altogether?

VIC:

Ah...(adds)...3 dollars an' a quarter.

SADE:

Goodness.

VIC:

You don't call that much, do ya?

SADE:

I call it a lot for what ya get.

VIC:

Great guns, how some people figure.

SADE:

You said you never even heard of this club till you...

VIC:

Don't call it "club".

SADE:

You said you never even heard of it till ya got that letter.

VIC:

I didn't.

SADE:

How ya know it ain't a fake?

VIC:

Oh?fake.

SADE:

Well, you don't know. There's plenty of people in this world that do any ol' thing to cheat...

VIC:

(mad) Look at this letterhead. Here's the address an' everything. "888 West Logansport Avenue, New York City." An' here's the...

SADE:

What's that little business up in the corner?

VIC:

That's a representation of the pin you wear in your lapel.

SADE:

Fred Stembottom's got one like that.

VIC:

Aw, get out.

SADE:

He has. Little flower. Exactly like that.

VIC:

(tolerant laugh)

SADE:

I'm not foolin', Vic.

VIC:

Fred Stembottom a Public Commander?

SADE:

(firmly) Must be.

VIC:

(laughs) Shucks.

SADE:

(a little annoyed) I s'pose Fred can join a thing same as the next person.

VIC:

Listen kiddo, I don't wanta run down Fred Stembottom. Fred's Okay. I like Fred. But he's hardly a fella the Board of Advisers of the Congress of Distinguished Americans would be likely to select...Where ya goin'?

SADE:

(moving off a little) Call up Ruthie an' ask.

VIC:

(enjoys a laugh)

SADE:

(off a little) An' I bet you 5 cents I'm right.

VIC:

(laughs louder)

SADE:

Be still so I can talk. (SFX: PHONE PICKUP?)(to phone) 2572-J, please. Yes (to Vic) Wanta take that bet?

VIC:

(a good laugh)

SADE:

Laugh all ya want but just the same...(to phone) Hello, Ruthie. Say, I'm sorry if I dragged you away from the table, but Vic and me was just havin' a little argument an' I wanted to ask you a question. Yes. Well, ya know that little blue button of Fred's you give little Charlie to play with last week? Yes, a button you wear in your coat.

VIC:

(laughingly) Ask her if the Queen of Spain give Fred a...

SADE:

Be quiet. (to phone) Yeah, that's the one, Ruthie. What? Oh. Oh, uh-huh, Public Commander? Yeah. (aside) Vic, she says...(to phone) What, Ruthie? Yes. (giggles) Yes. Uh-huh. (laughs) Whatcha know. All right, Ruthie. Sorry I bothered you. All right. Good-bye. (SFX PHONE HANGUP) (hangs up) (to Vic) Now what do you say?

VIC:

If she said Fred Stembottom was...

SADE:

She said Fred Stembottom was a Public Commander an' furthermore she said it only cost him 25 cents. A bunch of the fellas from the machine shops...

VIC:

Aw, there must be some mistake. Heck, I know good an' well...

SADE:

Wait, let me tell you the funny part. Ruthie joshes Fred because he belongs to the same thing Mr. Gumpox does. He's a Public Commander.

VIC:

The garbage man?

SADE:

The garbage man. He's got a little pin like Fred's an'...

RUSH:

(SFX SCREEN DOOR OPEN) Sorry I was so long, Mom. Couldn't get anybody to wait on me. (SFX DOOR SLAM)

SADE:

Hello, Mr. Gook, P.C. (laughs)

RUSH:

(up) What's the joke, Mom?

SADE:

Got an awful good one on your father. (laughs)

RUSH:

Here's the doggone salt. Darn them clerks in the grocery store. They let a guy stand around an'...What's this?

SADE:

(slyly) A letter Gov got this morning.

RUSH:

Public Commander, huh?

SADE:

You know anything about that?

RUSH:

Sure. I'm a Public Commander.

VIC:

You are?

RUSH:

Have been for over a year. I got a pin like this one.

VIC:

Where'd ya get it?

RUSH:

Saved up chewin' gum wrappers. Only takes 20.

NARR:

Which concludes a brief interlude at the small house half-way up in the next block.