Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Life of Riley
Show: Thanksgiving with the Gillises
Date: Nov 29 1947

CAST:
Riley
Mrs. Riley, his wife
Junior, his son
Babs, his daughter
Mr. Stevenson, his boss
Mr. Gillis, his best friend and co-worker
Honeybee, Gillis' wife
Sharkey
Digger O'Dell, the friendly undertaker

ANNCR:

It's new! It's amazing! It's Prell! P-R-E-L-L! Procter and Gamble's new Radiant Creme Shampoo in the handy tube!

MUSIC:

LOU KOSLOFF'S "LIFE OF RILEY THEME" ... UP AND UNDER

ANNCR:

Prell brings you "The Life of Riley"!

MUSIC:

THEME FILLS A PAUSE, THEN FADES OUT

ANNCR:

Prell -- the shampoo that removes unsightly dandruff in as little as three minutes and leaves hair radiantly clean, radiantly lovely -- presents "The Life of Riley" with William Bendix as Riley!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

LOU KOSLOFF'S "LIFE OF RILEY THEME" ... THEN OUT

ANNCR:

Well, Thursday was Thanksgiving, as that fresh cranberry stain on your vest will indicate. And today we find Chester A. Riley thankful that it's all over. But a few days before Thanksgiving, Riley was singing a different tune as he was walking home from work with his friend, neighbor and co-worker, Jim Gillis.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS

RILEY:

Hey, wait, Gillis. Let's go down this street here. I got to pick up our Thanksgivin' turkey at Al's meat market.

GILLIS:

Oh, I'm glad you reminded me! My Honeybee told me to pick ours up.

RILEY:

Ah, great guy, Al. You know, at our house all four of us like the
drumstick, and nobody likes the, uh, ah, the what-cha-ma-call-it. So, this year, Al promised to give me a turkey with four drumsticks.

GILLIS:

How is that possible? One turkey with four drumsticks?

RILEY:

 Yeah, well, with Al, it's easy. Some other customer'll get a turkey with no drumsticks and two what-cha-ma-call-its. ... Ya know, I love Thanksgiving, Gillis.

GILLIS:

Yeah, me, too. It's nice to stay home and bask on the bosom of the family.

RILEY:

Yeah, we're pretty lucky compared to other guys. We got somethin' to be thankful for. After all, we've got our health.

GILLIS:

Yeah, that's somethin' to be thankful for.

RILEY:

We each got fine kids and we're married to two fine, plain home-lovin' girls.

GILLIS:

Yeah, that's somethin' ta be thankful for.

RILEY:

Ya know, Gillis, we mighta married a couple a flashy dames just for their looks. You know the type -- those luscious blondes with those gorgeous figures. But we didn't.

GILLIS:

That's somethin' ta be thankful for?! ...

RILEY:

And that ain't all. I'm thankful for the good friends I got. Like you, Gillis. A guy couldn't ask for no better friend than you. You're - you're wonderful.

GILLIS:

I love you, too, Riley. ... I feel like we're more than just friends. We're brothers.

RILEY:

Aw, we're more than brothers. We're sisters. ... Under the skin. I'll never forget what you did that time our house burned down and we had no place to live.

GILLIS:

Aw, what did I do? So I let your family live in my house for a couple of weeks. Any noble-type person woulda did the same.

RILEY:

Yeah. But you only charged us four dollars a day -- the ceilin' price. ...

GILLIS:

Well, one good turn deserves anuddah. I was just paying you back for that time five years ago when I needed that blood transfusion ta save my life. I'll never forget how you offered your blood.

RILEY:

Aw, it was nothin'. I just called up the blood bank an' told 'em to give you a pint outta the quart I gave them. ...

GILLIS:

I - I know, Riley. But it ain't your blood. It's the thought behind it.

RILEY:

Gillis, I got a great idea! Why don't you and the family have Thanksgivin' dinner at our house? We'll all give thanks together.

GILLIS:

Hey, that's a super-perb idea! I'll bring over our turkey an' all the trimmin's.

RLEY Great! Oh boy, what a Thanksgivin' we'll have. Two turkeys, two dishes o' cranberry sauce, two boats o' gravy, two pumpkin pies, two big cigars ta smoke after dinner ...

GILLIS:

... and two wives ta do da dirty dishes! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

PEG:

(UPSET) Chester Riley! How could you go an' invite the Gillises for Thanksgivin' dinner without tellin' me? I'd like to feed my guests and we've only got one small turkey!

RILEY:

Relax, Peg, relax. I also invited their turkey! ...

PEG:

(PLEASED) Oh?!

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES)

PEG:

(THINKS BETTER OF IT) Oh... no, no. It's not right to let guests bring food. Now, we'll buy another tur--

RILEY:

Dumplin', it's real holiday spirit! When we sit down to eat, it won't be
their food or our food. It'll be all for one and everybody for himself! ... We'll have fun.

BABS:

Well, I don't mind Mr. Gillis, but Mrs. Gillis is an awful pill.

RILEY:

Now, see here, Babs. You're talking about my best friend's wife. Honeybee Gillis is not a pill.

JUNIOR:

Pop's right. She's long and skinny. She's more like a capsule. ...

PEG:

Junior!

RILEY:

You watch that fresh talk, Junior. You ain't gettin' so big that I can't get your Mother ta spank ya. ...

JUNIOR:

Ahhh, I'm sorry, Pop. But that Egbert Gillis is murder. And when he sits down to the table, he eats like a wolf.

RILEY:

I said stop it! Just remember that wolf happens to be the cub of my best friend. Now it's all settled. The Gillises are comin' ta dinner. My head's made up!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS

GILLIS:

Hey, hurry up, Riley. We'll be late for work.

RILEY:

So, anyway, Gillis, when I told Peg and the kids that you and the family is comin' over fer Thanksgiving dinner, they was thrilled. Ya know what they said?

GILLIS:

How should I know what they said? I ain't the kind of a next door neighbor goes around eaves-a-droppin'.

RILEY:

Well, they said "Riley, that's a wonderful idea!"

GILLIS:

Oh, fine. And tell Junior not to worry. I'll see that my Egbert don't eat like a wolf. ...

RILEY:

(ACCUSING) Gillis, you heard.

GILLIS:

(SHEEPISH) Well, ever since that cut-rate dentist filled my tooth with copper, my ears pick up like a radio. ... Now, come on. If we're late once more this month, the boss'll blow his top!

RILEY:

Aw, quit worryin'. Mr. Stevenson went outta town for Thanksgivin'.

GILLIS:

No, no, he's stayin' here. Only his family went away. The chauffeur tol' me.

RILEY:

Oh, well, then we'd better snap it up.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS OUT

SHARKEY:

Hi, fellas.

RILEY:

Hi ya, Sharkey.

GILLIS:

Hi.  

SHARKEY:

Heard the news? Botkin quit his job.

RILEY:

You mean... You mean the foreman, "Benzedrene" Botkin?

SHARKEY:

Yeah.

GILLIS:

No kiddin'. Who's gonna be the new foreman?

SHARKEY:

Nobody knows yet. Stevenson is gonna announce somebody after Thanksgivin'.

RILEY:

Oh, that's a great job. I wonder who's gonna get it?

GILLIS:

Yeah. I wonder!

SHARKEY:

Every guy in the plant is anglin' fer it. All sorts o' schemes goin' on. Well, I gotta go, fellas.

RILEY:

Hey, Sharkey, what's that ya got wrapped in that newspaper?

SHARKEY:

Oh, dis?

RILEY:

Yeah.

SHARKEY:

Just some petunias I picked for da boss' desk. ...

GILLIS:

Ain't that disgustin', Riley? What some guys won't do, just ta butter up the boss.

RILEY:

Positively sickenin'. Now, me, I don't mind puttin' in eight hours o' hard work for Stevenson. And I'll gladly work overtime -- fer time an' a half. But when it comes ta playin' up to him, I draw the line. Dat's when I revolt!

GILLIS:

I'm wich you, pal! I revolt, too!

RILEY:

Yes, sir! We're both revoltin'! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS, RECEIVER UP

BOSS:

Hello? Stevenson speaking.

GILLIS:

(FILTER) Hello, boss. This is Gillis. I jest heard you're gonna be a bachelor on Thanksgivin'. Me and the family would love ta have ya break bread on us.

BOSS:

Well, say, that's awfully nice of you, Gillis. I think I can--

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

BOSS:

Hold on a moment, will you? My other phone's ringing.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

BOSS:

Hello?

RILEY:

(FILTER) Hello, boss. This is Riley. What're ya doin' fer dinner on Thanksgivin'?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

PEG:

(CAN'T BELIEVE IT) You invited Mr. Stevenson?!

RILEY:

Well, sure. He'll let me know definite tomorrow, but he'll come. Yes, sir. I'm out ta get that foreman's job, Dumplin', an' this will cinch it.

PEG:

(EXHALES IN DISBELIEF) How?

RILEY:

While you're stuffin' his stomach with turkey, I'll be stuffin' his head about how good I am.

PEG:

(CHIDES) Oh, but you can't do that. 'Specially with the Gillises here.

RILEY:

Oh, the Gillises won't be here. I'll un-invite them.

PEG:

Well, you couldn't do that. It - it isn't fair.

RILEY:

Yeah, I - I know. It's kind of a double-cross, but this may be the break o' my lifetime. And, after all, I'm not double-crossin' just anybody. I'm doin' it to my best friend. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

GILLIS:

But, Honeybee, don't cha' git it? I invite the big boss here ta dinner, I get in good with 'im and the next day, I'm foreman!

HONEYBEE:

But you promised ta go to the Riley's!

GILLIS:

Oh, I'll get outta that, Pooch Face. This is a crucial thing. Now, leave everything ta me, Vision of Loveliness.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS

GILLIS:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Hey, Riley!

RILEY:

Oh, hiya, Gillis. I was just comin' over ta see ya, pal.

GILLIS:

(CLOSER) I was just comin' over to see you, Riley, my friend.

RILEY:

Uh, listen, chum. About this joint Thanksgivin' dinner over at my joint. I was thinkin'--

GILLIS:

That's funny, Riley; so was I.

RILEY:

Yeah, I - I thought maybe we ought to call it off.

GILLIS:

Oh, you was?

RILEY:

Yeah. Ya see, Gillis, I figured the best way ta keep a friendship goin'
is not ta get too friendly.

GILLIS:

Well, ya got a good point there, in yer head.

RILEY:

In fact, it's very dangerous ta get together Thanksgivin'. I can see just what's gonna happen. You'll come over with your wife and Egbert and your turkey, and dere's me 'n' my wife 'n' kids an' our turkey. It's very crowded.

GILLIS:

(VERY QUICK INTERRUPTION) Where am I sittin'?

RILEY:

On da piana stool. Very uncomfortable. An' everybody's nerves is on edge. First thing ya know, my Junior says ta your Egbert, "Hey, Egghead! Don't eat like a wolf!"

GILLIS:

Yeah! An' then my Egbert takes a poke at your Junior an' gives 'im a bloody nose.

RILEY:

Right! An' then my wife comes in, takes one look at Junior and yells, "Junior, wipe that cranberry sauce off your face!"

GILLIS:

But then she finds out what happened, so she turns on my Honeybee.

RILEY:

That's right! And Peg says, "Really, Honeybee, you might teach that brat o' yours some manners!" And then, naturally, your Honeybee turns on my Peg.

GILLIS:

Well, naturally. And she tells your wife off fer good.

RILEY:

And then I gotta stick up for Peg, so I say, "Pipe down, Honeybee. You're nothin' but a pill!" And that gets you sore, Gillis.

GILLIS:

(BRIEFLY PUZZLED) Why? That's what I always say. ... (RECOVERS) Oh, oh! Yeah, yeah. I'm burnin' up. So I say, "See here, Riley. I'm the only one can insult my wife." And then I pick up a turkey leg and throw it atcha.

RILEY:

An' I throw a what-cha-ma-call-it at you! ...

GILLIS:

Right in the eye, I get it. So I say ta you, "Listen, ya big baboon--!"  

RILEY:

(INCREASINGLY SAVAGE) "Who's a big baboon, Gillis?!" I say.

GILLIS:

(MATCHES HIM) "You are, you weasel!" I say.

RILEY:

"Well, if that's the way you feel, beat it! Go on! Take yer wife an' yer kid an' yer turkey an' yer stuffin'!"

GILLIS:

"Okay! I'm goin'!" (SUDDENLY BACK TO PLEASANT TONE) You know, if that's the way it's gonna be, Riley, we better call this dinner off. ...

RILEY:

Yeah, I - I agree with ya, Gillis.

GILLIS:

Well, so long, pal.

RILEY:

So long, chum. Happy Thanksgivin'.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FACTORY NOISE, IN BG

RILEY:

Uh, we need some more rivets, Gillis.

GILLIS:

Oh, yeah.

SOUND:

FACTORY WHISTLE BLOWS

GILLIS:

Oh, quittin' time, Riley.

RILEY:

Okay.

SOUND:

FACTORY NOISE SUBSIDES

RILEY:

You know, I sure am glad we called off our Thanksgivin' dinner.

GILLIS:

Yeah. Much better we should each have a quiet dinner wid no headaches. Except our wives.

RILEY:

Yeah, yeah, you're right. I--

BOSS:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Oh, Riley? Riley?

RILEY:

(WHISPERS, SURPRISED) Mr. Stevenson.  

GILLIS:

(WHISPERS BACK) What's he doin' in the shop?

BOSS:

(CLOSER) Riley, I want to thank you again for your invitation for Thanksgiving dinner.

RILEY:

(STAMMERS, CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

GILLIS:

(WHISPERS, TO RILEY) Why, you double-crossin' snake.

BOSS:

And, Gillis, I want to thank you for your invitation.

GILLIS:

(GULPS, STAMMERS)

RILEY:

Gillis! Why, you're a bigger snake than I am.

BOSS:

Well, what's the trouble, boys?

RILEY:

(UPSET, TO GILLIS) So that's why you wanted to get out of our joint dinner.

GILLIS:

(PROTESTS, TO RILEY) Well, what about you?

BOSS:

Wait a minute, boys! Were you planning to have Thanksgiving dinner together?

RILEY:

Well, yes. Only, I-- Er, he-- Er, we--

BOSS:

(PLEASED) Well, fine! That solves everything. I can accept both of your invitations at the same time. So go right ahead with your original plans and count me in. (MOVING OFF) See you tomorrow at three. ...

RILEY:

(AFTER A PAUSE) What a revoltin' development this is! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE  

HONEYBEE:

But, Jimsy, I thought your boss was comin' here fer dinner?

GILLIS:

No, Saccahrin Lips. ... That's all changed now. We're all gonna eat at Riley's.

HONEYBEE:

Oh, but Egbert's been invited to Artie Meyer's house.

GILLIS:

Good. Maybe it's better my boss don't see our Egbert. Things are tough enough.

HONEYBEE:

Well, all right. We'll go. Even if it is Riley's house, you can still drop a few hints about the foreman's job.

GILLIS:

Oh, no, that's out. Riley and me made a honorable deal. And hintin' wouldn't be croquette.

HONEYBEE:

I guess you're right. It's not the honest thing to do.

GILLIS:

But I got a better plan. We're bringin' a turkey and Riley's got a turkey. But what do we need two turkeys for?

HONEYBEE:

Why, yes! One'll be enough for seven people. Especially the portions Riley serves.

GILLIS:

So, I'll sell our gobbler and buy the boss a box of his favorite cigars. That'll put us in solid!

HONEYBEE:

(LAUGHS) Oh, Jimsy, you're so clever! (LAUGHS)

GILLIS:

(LAUGHS)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

RILEY:

But, Dumplin', it's so simple. Gillis is bringin' a turkey, an' we got a turkey. Whadda we need two turkeys for?

PEG:

Well, yes. It is a lot. And today with the food shortage--

RILEY:

Sure. So I'll sell our turkey and buy the boss a cigar lighter. It's patriotic to save food, and the boss'll love me for that lighter.

PEG:

Well, now wait, Riley--

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES) Poor Gillis. I bet he'd love ta borrow my brain. (CHUCKLES) ...

PEG:

Well, I - I don't like it, Riley. It's underhanded, and it-- Well, it's just not fair.

RILEY:

I know, Peg. But you don't understand. This is business. And the business world, it's - it's like a jungle. Beast against beast. That's the only way to get ahead. So don't you worry. When I'm foreman, you'll give thanks that you're married to a beast like me!

MUSIC:

TO A CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNCR:

We'll hear the second act of "The Life of Riley" in a moment.

WOMAN:

Say, Ken! Millions are asking for Prell -- Procter and Gamble's Radiant Creme Shampoo in the handy tube.

ANNCR:

Of course. Prell's popular for two reasons.

WOMAN:

First, Prell leaves hair more radiant than any soap or soap-shampoo because Prell can't leave a dulling soap film.

ANNCR:

Second, Prell's a wonder for unsightly dandruff. Yes, Prell removes such dandruff in as little as three minutes. Examinations by a group of doctors proved it. In case after case, even stubborn dandruff was controlled by only two Prell shampoos a week.

WOMAN:

And that handy Prell tube's popular, too. No messy jars. No waste or spill.

ANNCR:

A little makes mountains of lather. So, for hair radiantly clean, hair free of unsightly dandruff, ask for ...

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG

WOMAN:

(SINGS) P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!
Leaves hair radiant, clean and bright!
Not a bit of dandruff is in sight!
Comes in a tube! Handy, too!
P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNCR:

Buy Prell!

MUSIC:

THEME FILLS A PAUSE, THEN OUT

ANNCR:

And now back to "The Life of Riley," with William Bendix as Riley.

SOUND:

DINING ROOM ACTIVITY

BABS:

Well, I got the table all set.

RILEY:

Aww, it looks beautiful, Babs. Hey, where's the carvin' knife?

JUNIOR:

Here it is, Pop.

RILEY:

I wonder if it's sharp enough? Uh, Junior, bend your head down.

PEG:

Riley! ... For heavens' sake!

RILEY:

Well, don't get excited. I just want one hair.

PEG:

Now, who left the door open like that? Oh, shut that--  

RILEY:

No, no, no, no. Leave it open.

BABS:

Why, Daddy?

RILEY:

Well, Gillis' hands'll be so full carryin' his turkey, he won't be able ta ring the bell.

PEG:

Oh, don't be silly. Shut it, Babs.

SOUND:

DOOR SHUTS

RILEY:

Say, I almost forgot. The champagne. Where's the champagne? (PRONOUNCED "CHAM PAIN")

BABS:

Oh, here, Daddy.

RILEY:

Junior? Junior, empty the ashes outta the bucket an' fill it with ice. I'll put the champagne in it. ... I want the boss to have everything like he has at home. Oh, this champagne's great stuff. Imported -- from San Diego. ...

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

PEG:

Oh, that must be the Gillises.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

GILLIS:

Happy Thanksgivin', folks!

JUNIOR:

Ah, Mr. Gillis, how are ya?

BABS:

Hello, Mr. Gillis.

RILEY:

Come on in, come in, Gillis, ol' pal.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

RILEY:

I hope ya brung yer appetite.

GILLIS:

Don't worry, Riley. I'll gorge up my quota o' vittles.

PEG:

Hello, Mr. Gillis.

GILLIS:

Hi.

RILEY:

Gillis, you're alone?

GILLIS:

Oh, no. Honeybee went in through your kitchen.

RILEY:

Through--? Oh ho ho! Naturally! Heh, heh.

GILLIS:

(AFTER SEVERAL LOUD SNIFFS) Mmmm, boy, that turkey smells delicious!

RILEY:

(ALSO SNIFFS) Oh, yeah, I smell it, too. That aroma sure has a wonderful odor. ...

PEG:

(PUZZLED) Oh, I - I don't smell any turkey.

RILEY:

Well, Peg, where's your nose? Why, the air is reekin' with it!

GILLIS:

It certainly is!

RILEY:

Heh, heh.

GILLIS:

Mmmmmmmm! Pardon me while I drool!

RILEY:

(CHUCKLES)

PEG:

Well, I'd better give Honeybee a hand in the kitchen--

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

PEG:

Oh, there's Mr. Stevenson.

RILEY:

Now, remember, Gillis. No hintin' about the job.

GILLIS:

Not a word.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

BOSS:

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

PEG:

Oh, hello, Mr. Stevenson. Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES  

RILEY:

Hiya, boss!

GILLIS:

Hi there, Chief!

BOSS:

Well, Junior! Barbara!

JUNIOR:

Mr. Stevenson, how are ya?

BABS:

Hello. Let me take your coat

BOSS:

Thank you, Barbara.

GILLIS:

Here, sit down, boss. Make yourself at home in my chair.

RILEY:

Ahhh, what Gillis means is "Make yourself at home in my chair. In my home."

BOSS:

I, er, hope I'm not too early, Riley.

RILEY:

Oh, naw, you're just in time. We were all waitin' for ya, includin' the turkey! (THE MEN ALL LAUGH HEARTILY)

BOSS:

Ahhh, turkey. Just the thought of it makes my mouth water.

GILLIS:

Riley! Give the boss a blotter! (MORE HEARTY LAUGHTER)

RILEY:

Well, shall we sit down, Peg, huh?

PEG:

Yes, dear. I'm all ready.

HONEYBEE:

(ENTERS FROM KITCHEN, CHEERFUL) Ohhh! Hello there, everybody!

JUNIOR:

Hello, Mrs. Gillis.

RILEY:

Hello, Honeybee!

HONEYBEE:

Ohh, Mr. Stevenson! Charmed -- simply charmed!

BOSS:

Pleasure to see you, Mrs. Gillis.

PEG:

Well, shall we sit down, Honeybee?

HONEYBEE:

Yes, by all means, darling.

PEG:

Well, let's see. You sit here, Mr. Stevenson.

SOUND:

CHAIR SCRAPES

BOSS:

Thank you.

SOUND:

CHAIRS SCRAPE ... GUESTS BUSTLE AND SIT, IN BG

PEG:

And, ah, let me see now, Honeybee and Mr. Gillis there. And, Riley, you sit here.

RILEY:

Yah.

PEG:

Oh, and, Babs and Junior, over here.

RILEY:

Yeah, here, Mr. Stevenson. Here, Mr. Stevenson? You - you do the carvin'.

BOSS:

Oh, no, no. I couldn't, Riley.

RILEY:

Oh, go on. You're good at cuttin' salaries! Try it on a turkey! (LAUGHS)

ALL:

(MERRY LAUGHTER)

BOSS:

We-e-ll! (LAUGHS HEARTILY) All right, all right!

SOUND:

KNIFE IS BRISKLY AND NOISILY SHARPENED

BOSS:

Well, I'm all set! Bring on the turkey!

RILEY:

Okay, bring on the turkey!

GILLIS:

Yeah. Bring on the turkey!

PEG:

All right, Honeybee. Bring on the turkey.

HONEYBEE:

Uh, certainly. Where is it, Peggy dear?

PEG:

(UNEASY) Why, in the kitchen, where you put it.

HONEYBEE:

I - I didn't put it anywhere. (INNOCENT) Where'd you put it, darling?

SOUND:

PAUSE ... KNIFE IS SLOWLY AND OMINOUSLY SHARPENED

BOSS:

Something wrong, folks?

RILEY:

Why, uh, well, well, don't worry, boss; we'll track it down. (URGENT WHISPER) Gillis, where's the turkey ya brought?

GILLIS:

Oh, I didn't tell ya! I didn't bring any.

PEG:

You - you didn't?

GILLIS:

Well, where's the turkey you had?

RILEY:

Oh, uh, well, well, that's right, I didn't tell you. We ain't got it.

BOSS:

(UNHAPPY EXCLAMATION) Ohhhh.

RILEY:

You see, we thought you were-- (UNHAPPIER EXCLAMATION) D'ohhhhh!

PEG:

Oh, dear.

HONEYBEE:

Oh, my.

SOUND:

PAUSE ... KNIFE IS SLOWLY AND SADLY SHARPENED

BOSS:

Well, uh... now, uh...

HONEYBEE:

(URGENT WHISPER) Jimsy, run down to the delicatessen and see if you can get some turkey. Hurry!

GILLIS:

(WHISPER) Okay. Sit tight (TO ALL) Excuse me a minute, folks!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS QUICKLY

RILEY:

(AT A LOSS FOR WORDS) Ah ...

PEG:

Uh, Riley, uh, say somethin'.

RILEY:

(TO PEG) Say s--? Uh ... (THINKS QUICK, TO ALL, ENTHUSIASTIC) Eh, I read in a magazine once that sardines have got more vitamins - than - all - (DWINDLES TO SILENCE)

BOSS:

(HEMS AND HAWS) How's, uh, school coming, Junior?  

JUNIOR:

(STAMMERS) Fine, Mr. Stevenson.

BOSS:

(CHUCKLES UNEASILY) Nice weather for Thanksgiving, isn't it? Eh ... (CLEARS THROAT) Wonder how Cornell'll make out against Penn? (NO ANSWER) Eh ... I - I was thinking of going to see the new play at the Madison tonight, but I hear it's a turk-- ey. Oh. ... (GIVES UP ON SMALL TALK) Oh, come now, folks. Just because there's been a little mishap with the turkey, doesn't mean we all have to be so glum. Who wants this carving knive? ...

PEG:

Oh, you - you can't imagine how embarrassed I am, Mr. Stevenson.

BOSS:

Well, please don't be. Worse things can happen.

RILEY:

Yeah. The boss is right. Why - why, if somebody walked in now and saw us sittin' here like this, they'd think this was a funeral.

DIGGER:

Speak for yourself, John. ...

RILEY:

Digger, it's you!

DIGGER:

Yes, it is I! Digby O'Dell, the friendly undertaker. ... You're looking fine. Very hungry. ...

RILEY:

Uh, why didn't you ring the bell, Digger?

DIGGER:

Oh, I came in through the kitchen. You see, I--

RILEY:

(INTERRUPTS) Ah, this is my boss, Mr. Carl Stevenson. (INTRODUCTION) Boss, Digger O'Dell.

BOSS:

How do you do?

DIGGER:

Carl Stevenson. Well, as I live and breathe. If you'll pardon the expression. ... Glad to know you, sir. One of my dearest cronies was your late uncle, Rufus Q. Stevenson, the pawnbroker.

BOSS:

Oh, yes, yes, good old Uncle Ruf.

DIGGER:

A fine man. He once helped me out of a hole. ... I've always regretted I couldn't do the same for him. ...

RILEY:

Uh, we, uh, we were almost gonna have a little Thanksgivin' dinner, Digger.

DIGGER:

Ahhh, Thanksgiving! My favorite holiday. Started by the Pilgrims, one of whom was my ancestor, Roger O'Dell.

BOSS:

Really?

DIGGER:

Ah, yes. He started the family profession, a stone's throw from Plymouth Rock.

RILEY:

(IMPRESSED) Gee, a Pilgrim.

DIGGER:

The very day they landed, they were attacked by a ferocious band of Iroquois. And Roger O'Dell, personally made fifty Indians bite the dust.

RILEY:

Uh, wait a minute, Digger. He killed fifty Indians?

DIGGER:

No, the others killed them, but O'Dell made them bite the dust. ... Well, toodle-oo--

PEG:

Oh, we'd - we'd ask you to stay for dinner, Mr. O'Dell--

DIGGER:

Oh, no, thank you. My family and I were invited at the last minute to be the guests of J. J. Gabriel.

RILEY:

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's the town's biggest undertaker.

DIGGER:

Oh, yes. He does a land office business. ...

RILEY:

Uh, you're eatin' dinner at his place?

DIGGER:

I have to, for business reasons.

RILEY:

Mm.

DIGGER:

So I brought you over our turkey -- all cooked and ready to serve!

RILEY:

(STUNNED) Digger! You brought us a turkey?!

DIGGER:

Yes, I laid it out in the kitchen. ...

RILEY:

Oh, Digger, you saved my life!

DIGGER:

(A BIT DISAPPOINTED) I did? Well, after all, it's a holiday. ...

PEG:

Oh, thank you very much, Mr. O'Dell!

DIGGER:

I really must go. Gabriel is waiting for me outside.  

SOUND:

TWO HONKS OF A CAR HORN

DIGGER:

That's Gabriel now. And you know me. When Gabriel blows his horn, I come a-running. ... Well, cheerio! I'd better be - shoveling off.  

SOUND:

TWO MORE HONKS ... AND APPLAUSE FOR DIGGER

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RILEYS, GILLISES AND BOSS EATING AND TALKING

RILEY:

Boy, Digger sure saved our life with this turkey, eh?

GILLIS:

(TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL)

RILEY:

Gillis, Gillis, can't you eat quieter? You sound like the Super Chief!

BOSS:

Upon my word, Mrs. Riley, I haven't had a meal like this in years!

JUNIOR:

Neither have we. ...

PEG:

Oh, Junior! Why, that's no way to talk!

RILEY:

Don't yell at the boy, Dumplin'. He only means we can't eat like this every day with the salary I get on the job I got now. ... Er, er, have some more o' my turkey, boss, huh?

GILLIS:

(WHISPERS) Hey, Riley, no hintin'.

RILEY:

Huh?

GILLIS:

(GRANDLY) Here, boss, have one o' my radishes! ...

BOSS:

Eh, no, thank you. Really, I--

RILEY:

How about a little more pie? Here, take mine.  

GILLIS:

No, take mine. I ain't bitten inta mine yet. ...

RILEY:

More coffee, boss?

BOSS:

(HEARTY LAUGH) Please, boys, not another morsel. All I want now is to fall into a soft chair and smoke a good cigar.

GILLIS:

Oh, well, here! Smoke a whole box! With my love.  

RILEY:

(STAMMERS, BUT NOT TO BE OUTDONE) Light 'em with this nifty lighter! Right from my heart!

BOSS:

(TAKEN ABACK) Well, boys, this is very nice of you, but you really shouldn't have done it. I - I don't expect any presents.

RILEY:

Aw, forget it, boss. (CHUCKLES)

PEG:

Well, shall we go in the other room?

RILEY:

Yeah, let-- No, no, no, no. Wait. Let's - er - let's drink a toast!

BOSS:

Good idea. What'll we drink to?

RILEY:

Uh, let's, er, drink to the health and happiness of the new foreman.  

BOSS:

Oh. Then you know, Riley?

RILEY:

Well, I - sorta guessed. (CHUCKLES)

BOSS:

You know too, Gillis?

GILLIS:

Well, I know what a great executive you are, boss. So there's only one man you could pick. (WHISPERS) Get ready, Honeybee.

HONEYBEE:

(HIGH-PITCHED GIDDY GIGGLE) Oh, I'm so excited! ...

BOSS:

Well, I'm glad you men like the man of my choice. (TOASTS) So here's luck to the new foreman -- Joe Beemish!

RILEY:

& GILLIS To Joe Beem--! (THEY STAMMER IN DISBELIEF) ...

RILEY:

Joe Beemish?!

GILLIS:

Joe Beemish?!

BOSS:

Yes, Joe Beemish. Fine fellow. Oh, Gillis, hand me that ashtray, please.

GILLIS:

Get it yourself! ...

HONEYBEE:

Don't be rude.

BOSS:

Er, is something wrong? Riley, what's the matter?

RILEY:

What's the matter?! Makin' Joe Beemish foreman! After all we did for
you! Some gratitude!

GILLIS:

What Riley's sayin', I'm endorsin' in spades yet!

BOSS:

Now wait a minute--

RILEY:

When you opened up the plant and you couldn't get no help, who gave up a good job to go and work for ya? We did! But where was Joe Beemish?

GILLIS:

Go on, Riley! Give it to 'im good! Right in front of me! ...

BOSS:

But, Riley--

RILEY:

Durin' the war, we coulda gotten better jobs for more pay but we stuck wid you. And where was Joe Beemish then?

BOSS:

(QUICKLY, POINTEDLY) He was flying a plane over Germany.

RILEY:

Germany! That's a fine place to be with a war goin' on! ... (SUDDENLY CHASTENED) Ohhhhh. Oh, that Joe Beemish. The one who was wounded?

BOSS:

Yes. He's out of the hospital now. And he uses that artificial leg just fine. Besides that, he has seniority and he's a fine worker.

RILEY:

(GENUINELY) You couldn't 'a' picked a better man, boss.

BOSS:

Sorry if I disappointed you fellas.

GILLIS:

Oh, you didn't, Mr. Stevenson. What Riley says, I agree with it.

RILEY:

Honest, I - I ain't disappointed either. Joe Beemish deserves the job.

PEG:

That's the way to talk, dear. I don't mind if you're not foreman.

RILEY:

Oh, sure. Why should you mind, Dumplin'? After all, you got plenty to be thankful for as it is. You're still young and good-lookin'. Ya got a son who's handsome. Ya got a daughter who's gorgeous. And ya got a husband who-- (PAUSE, SHEEPISH) If there's any more turkey left, I'll have the what-cha-ma-call-it.

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNCR:

The Rileys will be back in just a moment. The Wonder Shampoo -- that's what they say about Prell, Procter and Gamble's Radiant Creme Shampoo in the handy tube. From Fair Lawn, New Jersey, Mrs. P. S. Keller writes:

WOMAN:

I am so pleased with the results of my Prell Shampoo! Even in our hard water, Prell really worked wonders! Left my hair clean and soft, nicely manageable!

ANNCR:

Yes, one trial and you'll agree, Prell's a wonder for two reasons. First, Prell removes unsightly dandruff quickly. Second, Prell leaves hair radiantly lovely. Buy! Try ... !

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG

WOMAN:

(SINGS) P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!
Leaves hair radiant, clean and bright!
Not a bit of dandruff is in sight!
Comes in a tube! Handy, too!
P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo!

MUSIC:

"RILEY" THEME FILLS A PAUSE, THEN OUT

PEG:

Well, it - it ended up a nice dinner after all, didn't it, Honeybee?

HONEYBEE:

Oh, simply scrumptious!

GILLIS:

And even if we ain't foremen, we're still friends, hey, Riley? Through
thick and thin.

RILEY:

Yes, sir, Gillis! And believe me, they don't come any thicker than us.

MUSIC:

THEME FILLS A PAUSE, THEN UNDER

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... FADES FOR ...

ANNCR:

Procter and Gamble invite you to join us again next week to hear "The Life of Riley" with William Bendix as Riley. William Bendix can currently be seen in the Paramount picture "Where There's Life." The script is by Reuben Ship and Alan Lipscott. Mrs. Riley is Paula Winslowe. Digger O'Dell is John Brown. "The Life of Riley" is produced and directed by Irving Brecher.

MUSIC:

THEME FILLS A PAUSE, THEN FADES OUT ... THEN, FOR JINGLE, IN BG

MAN:

(SINGS) Ohhhhh, she was the duchess' daughter
Her finery looked just so
She washed them all as to water
With wonderful Ivory Snow!

MUSIC:

OUT

2ND ANNCR:

Ah, wonderful Ivory Snow. The soap that's so kind to your hands, you just know it's kind to sheer nylons and dainty lingerie. And your hands will tell you why Ivory Snow keeps lovely washables lovely longer. Prove it! This week, wash your dishes with Ivory Snow. When you see how it pampers your hands, you'll really know it's extra kind to fine fabrics. There's no other soap like it. Ivory Snow's the only soap. Both Ivory Mild and in granulated form. Make suds instantly in lukewarm, even in cool, water. Your hands will tell you why Ivory Snow keeps pretty lingerie and other nice things lovely longer.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG

MAN:

(SINGS) Ohhhhh, wonderful Ivory Snow!

MUSIC:

OUT

2ND ANNCR:

S-N-O-W!

MUSIC:

"RILEY" THEME FILLS A PAUSE, THEN FADES FOR ...

ANNCR:

This is Ken Carpenter reminding you that for radiantly clean, lovely hair, get the shampoo in the tube. P-R-E-L-L, Prell Shampoo! And listen again next week when Prell brings you "The Life of Riley"! Good night!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

FADES OUT

NBC ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

SOUND:

NBC CHIMES