Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Lux Radio Theater
Show: The Canterville Ghost
Date: Jun 18 1945

Announcer 1:

Lux Presents Hollywood!

MUSIC:

Lux theme up, then under for--

Announcer 1:

Tonight, Lux Radio Theater has the pleasure of introducing two of Hollywood's most renowned stars, Mr. Charles Laughton and Miss Margaret O'Brien. They are paired in Edwin Blum's adaptation of Oscar Wilde's classic tale, THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.

MUSIC:

Theme up and then lower for--

Announcer 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. William Keighley.

(Applause)

MUSIC:

Theme up and finish with applause.

Keighley:

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Each year the actors, directors, producers and other members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences vote on the outstanding accomplishments of the year in Hollywood. Tonight we are pleased to have not one, but two recipients of Oscars starring in our production of THE CANTERVILLE GHOST, Mr. Charles Laughton and Miss Margaret O'Brien. We take special pride in our players and our play. Our stage is set for a prize-winning achievement.

And so is the stage in your home, when Lux Flakes are starred. Many domestic producers have discovered that casting Lux Flakes in a leading role is good business at the household box office.

Our footlights shine bright now, as the curtain rises on THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.

MUSIC:

Sustained eerie chords under the following--

Announcer 2:

Authorities on the subject of phantoms declare that the most fearsome ghost in all the British Isles is that of a somewhat overweight nobleman named Sir Simon de Canterville. Haunting Canterville Castle for 300 years, this portly apparition has been unique for it's keen sense of showmanship and it's spectacular variety of tricks, shapes and sound effects. The ghost originated in 1634 when Sir Simon was scheduled to fight a duel. He took one look at his fierce and towering opponent and ran away from the field of honor in a startling display of speed and cowardice. He was chased to his father's estate by his frustrated opponent, Sir Valentine Williams.

MUSIC:

Fades to out toward end of preceding lines.

SFX:

Fade in on pursuing dogs barking. They fade as dialog begins.

Valentine:

(Off mic) Where is he? Where is the cowardly poltroon ?

Canterville:

Sir, what means this violation of my home?

Valentine:

Lord Canterville?

Canterville:

Ay!

Valentine:

I am Sir Valentine of Bolton Manor. Your son, Sir Simon, having accepted my challenge, fled before my sword.

Canterville:

Fled? You lie, Sir Valentine.

Valentine:

I demand that the fat coward face me.

SFX:

Dogs again heard in background during next exchange.

Canterville:

You are new to these parts, Sir Valentine, or you would know that cowardice in a Canterville is like snow in July. Every Canterville bears on his neck the Canterville birth mark. It is a badge of valor. So call off your hounds and leave these halls.

Valentine:

I would Milord, but it seems the hounds have found their quarry. That room there, why is the door closed and why do my hounds leap upon it?

Canterville:

No son of mine cowers behind a door.

Valentine:

No? Then Milord can have no objection to sealing up the door with stone and mortar?

Canterville:

What? I certainly can! I have too great a regard for my house.

Valentine:

For your house, Milord, or for your son?

Canterville:

(Shouting to distance workmen) Giles! Thomas! Fetch the stone masons! (Dog and voice fade out) Tell them to bring their brick and mortar.

(Brief silence before the next scene)

 

SFX:

Fade in on mortar and brick being laid. Continue for next few lines.

Canterville:

One more stone, Sir Valentine, and the room is sealed. Are you satisfied?

Valentine:

Ay!

Canterville:

And you still think my son is in that room? If he is a coward why has he not called?

Valentine:

He is a coward!

Simon:

(Muffled, from behind wall) Father! Father!

Valentine:

Ah--he finds his tongue at last.

Canterville:

I heard nothing.

Valentine:

Masons, stop!

Canterville:

I heard nothing. Continue, masons. Seal up the wall!

Simon:

Father! Father! It is Simon, thy son.

Valentine:

Milord!

Canterville:

There is no one in that room. Put in the last stone, I say. Put it in!

Simon:

Father! Father! 'Tis I!

Valentine:

Stop, Milord! Twas only meant in jest.

Canterville:

Leave my house!

Valentine:

Ay! But 'tis thy son thou hast entomb-ed

Canterville:

And you, masons, get you hence.

MUSIC:

Dire bridge music up and then under for--

Canterville:

(Grim, intoning voice) Simon de Canterville, full well I know it is thou behind this masonry. But because thou hast dishonored thy proud blood that room shall be thy tomb. When thou art dead, may thy craven spirit walk the halls of Canterville Castle until a kinsman shall wear thy signet ring and perform for thee the brave deed thou didst fail to do.

MUSIC:

Up briefly, then under for--

Announcer 2:

So did Sir Simon die, and so was born the Canterville ghost. Now, its 1942, Canterville Castle stands silent and deserted, inhabited only by a slightly tired but still fearsome phantom. The only remaining Canterville is Lady Jessica. She and her aunt find living less disturbing in a modest cottage on the castle grounds. Lady Jessica is seven years old.

MUSIC:

Ends

Jessica:

Aunty! Aunty! I just saw him! I just saw the ghost.

Aunt:

The ghost, dear? Where?

Jessica:

On the roof of the castle.

Aunt:

Oh, that was the tinsmith, darling. He's mending the water spout. We're turning the castle over to some American soldiers.

Jessica:

American soldiers?

Aunt:

Rangers, I believe they're called. Like our commandos.

Jessica:

Good gracious, aunty, can they live in the castle when it is haunted?

Aunt:

Your family did, darling, until 20 years ago.

Butler:

(Slightly off mic) Excuse me, ma'am.

Aunt:

Yes, Potter?

Butler:

Everything is ready at the castle.

Cook:

(Slightly off mic) We were wondering about tea, ma'am.

Aunt:

Of course. I'll be there shortly.

Cook:

Yes, ma'am.

Jessica:

You're going, aunty?

Aunt:

Certainly. They'll be our guests. Noblesse oblige.

Jessica:

But, aunty, you're not well. Remember what the doctor said?

Aunt:

Mmm-hmm. Well, perhaps I shouldn't.

Jessica:

Aunty, what does it mean-- (hesitantly trying to pronounce) noblesse oblige?

Aunt:

It's just an expression, darling.

Jessica:

But, what does it mean?

Aunt:

Well, noblesse oblige is French. Those of us who are nobly born must prove ourselves worthy by being kind and thoughtful of others. So, when guests arrive, we must see that they enjoy their stay.

Jessica:

Aunty, these Americans, will they be cowboys and Indians?

Aunt:

Mmm-hmm, some of them, I dare say.

Jessica:

What does one do to make Indians welcome?

Aunt:

Jessica! You're not going to the castle.

Jessica:

Well, someone should greet our soldiers.

Aunt:

But aren't you afraid of the ghost?

Jessica:

Oh, yes, aunty.

Aunt:

And you still want to go?

Jessica:

I really should. It's my castle. And noblesse oblige. It starts when you're born, doesn't it?

Aunt:

(Laughing) Run along then, darling. The American's should be there now.

Jessica:

Thank you, aunty! And don't worry, (moving away from mic) the ghost almost never comes out in the daytime.

MUSIC:

Bridge to next scene. As music fades--

(Fade in on din of voices of soldiers. After about 5 seconds...)

 

Butler:

Excuse me, gentlemen!

(Din of voices fades)

 

Butler:

Lady Jessica has just arrived. She'd like to say good evening to you soldiers.

(Din returns, sounds of agreement)

 

1st voice:

(Over din) Well, tell her we'd be honored.

2nd voice:

Whad'ya say to a dame what's a lady?

3rd voice:

Do we have to kiss her hand?

4th voice:

Now watch it!

Butler:

(Announcing) Lady Jessica de Canterville!

Jessica:

Good evening, gentlemen.

2nd voice:

Holy smoke. It's a midget!

3rd voice:

No. No, it's a half pint.

(Din of voices stops)

 

Jessica:

How do you do? I want you to all know that I'm glad you're here. And I do so hope you'll enjoy your stay in my castle.

(Small din returns briefly)

 

Cuffy:

May I say on behalf of my, ah, fellow Americans, that we're very grateful for your hospitality.

1st voice:

Yeah, ah, likewise.

Jessica:

Thank you, gentlemen.

4th voice:

(Slightly flustered) Yeah, you, you'll have to excuse the fellas, I hope. We thought Lady Jessica was a...

2nd voice:

You see, I thought that a girl had to be--had to be married before she was a Lady.

Jessica:

Oh dear no. A lady is a Lady when she behaves like one, my aunty says. (Brief pause) Which one of you are Indians?

Cuffy:

Oh, that tall fella, Trigger, he's an Indian.

Jessica:

Oh. To which tribe do you belong?

3rd voice:

He's a Hoboken Indian.

(Laughter from the others)

 

Jessica:

I don't believe I've ever heard about that tribe.

(More laughter)

 

Cook:

Tea is served, gentlemen.

Cuffy:

Of course. Will you pour, Milady?

Jessica:

I'd like to--um--Mister, um...

Cuffy:

Williams. Private Cuffy Williams.

Jessica:

I shall be happy to, Private Williams.

1st voice:

This way, gents.

MUSIC:

Bridge to next scene. As music fades...

(Fade in on din of voices, which ceases for...)

 

Jessica:

Would anybody like some more tea?

(Din of voices--all politely refusing)

 

4th Voice:

Who did that? Come on now, who did it?

1st Voice:

Who did what, Sergeant?

4th Voice:

Who made that spot on the rug? Who spilled the tea? Speak up!

Cook:

(Grimly) Oh, that's not tea, sir.

4th Voice:

It ain't?

Cook:

No, sir. It's blood.

Voices:

Blood? Blood? What do you mean?

Butler:

The blood of Lady Barbara Modish. She stabbed herself in the throat when she saw--him.

2nd voice:

Him? Who was him?

Jessica:

Sir Simon, our ghost.

(More din--amazement)

 

Cuffy:

You're ghost, did you say?

Jessica:

Yes. He's quite the most famous ghost in England. And he lives here in our castle.

3rd Voice:

Now wait a minute!

Jessica:

Well, if you don't want me to tell you about it...

Cuffy:

Oh, but we do. We do. Now give the Lady a chance, fellas. If she says her castle is haunted, then who are we to quibble?

Jessica:

It may sound irregular to you, but I have seen the ghost myself.

Cuffy:

No foolin?

Jessica:

And that's the door to his bed chamber, behind that tapestry, isn't it Mrs. Potter?

Cook:

Ay. He was walled up in there centuries ago.

1st voice:

Holy catfish!

Cuffy:

Why, that's awful.

Cook:

Yes. Every night now, on the stroke of twelve, his spirit walks the halls.

Jessica:

Seeking our kinsman with the mark of the Cantervilles.

(Din--skepticism.)

 

Cook:

(Quieting them down) Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Beware!

Jessica:

(Darkly) I shouldn't tell you this before bedtime, but the Dowager Duchess of Stepfield was found one night on the balcony--stark, staring mad. (Brightly) Gibbering like an idiot!

Cuffy:

You don't say!

2nd voice:

That's awful.

Jessica:

The Lady Margaret Belton--she drowned herself in the fish pond because--do you know why?

Voices:

No. Why? Tell us.

Jessica:

Because there he was again, with long green fingers twitching with palsy and his eyes burning like coal. The blood-sucker of Bexley Moor.

3rd voice:

Blood-sucker!

Cuffy:

Didn't I tell ya, fellas, who are we to quibble?

Jessica:

(Reproachfully) Cuffy Williams, I know right well that you've been laughing at me.

Cuffy:

No. No, Milady, no.

Jessica:

But just you wait until midnight.

MUSIC:

Eerie music bridge to next scene. Continue under--

SFX:

Clock striking five times.

MUSIC:

Fades to out with chiming

1st voice:

(With chimes) Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Hey! Cuffy! It's twelve o'clock.

Cuffy:

(Yawns sleepily) Yeah. So what?

1st voice:

Hey, Cuffy, do you think there's anything in this ghost business?

Cuffy:

Oh for crying out loud.

SFX:

Chains begin clanking--continue under for--

4th voice:

(Off mic) Pipe down you guys! I said pipe down.

1st voice:

That ain't us, Sarge!

Cuffy:

Sounds like somebody dragging ash cans around.

1st voice:

No. No, its chains.

2nd voice:

Hey, look! There's a light on the stairs!

3rd voice:

Hey, fells, look! It's taking shape.

(General din--hesitant amazement)

 

Cuffy:

It's him! It's Sir Simon.

SFX:

Chains stop

Simon:

(Moaning) Ah! Ha! (Maniacal laugh) I am the ghost of Sir Simon de Canterville. Did you ever see a man slice off his own head? Observe.

SFX:

Slicing, popping kind of noise

Simon:

It's off. A head without a body, a body without a head.

SFX:

Pfft noise

Simon:

Now it's on.

SFX:

Slicing, popping

Simon:

Now its off.

SFX:

Pfft

Simon:

Now it's on again. (Maniacal laugh)

4th voice:

Yeah, its on, but you have it on backwards.

Simon:

Have I? Excuse me.

SFX:

Pfft

Simon:

Is that better?

1st voice:

Ah, it's still lopsided.

(Din--general laughter)

 

Simon:

(Shouting) Take care! Take care! Take care, I tell you!

2nd voice:

I can't take this. I'm going to let him have it.

SFX:

Five gunshots

(Din--rising excitement under gunfire)

 

Simon:

(Laughing and fading)

2nd voice:

Hey--the bullets are going right through him.

Cuffy:

So what, they scared him off, didn't they?

(Din)

 

Cuffy:

Well, let's face it, Sarge, that was a real ghost.

4th voice:

Yeah. I don't believe it, but I saw it. (Pause) Hey--hey what if he comes back?

Cuffy:

Well, we've got to scare him again.

3rd voice:

Scare a ghost?

Cuffy:

Sure. And this time, scare him good. Now listen you guys, I've got an idea. We put on our gas masks, take the sheets and wrap them around us

(Fading out) and when he comes back...

MUSIC:

Military sounding theme--short bridge to next scene

1st Voice:

Company! Tenshun! Good morning, men.

All:

Good morning, sir!

1st Voice:

Well, from now on we are officially attached to the British Commandos. We're gong to celebrate with a 10-hour hike.

(Din--disappointment)

 

1st voice:

What's the matter with the men, Sergeant?

4th Voice:

(Hesitant) They're, ah, I, uh--I'm afraid they didn't sleep so good last night, sir.

1st voice:

Oh? Why not?

2nd voice:

Well, ah, maybe it was uh, well you know how it is? A strange place...

1st Voice:

Ohh. Jordan, is that what kept you up? A strange place?

3rd voice:

Oh, no sir. What kept me up was seein' the ghost. Wasn't it Edwards?

2nd voice:

Oh, yes, sir, that's right!

1st voice:

You saw a ghost?

2nd voice:

Oh, you should have seen him, sir. He cut off his own head. We shot at him. Then we put on sheets and gas masks and we scared him away for good. I hope.

1st voice:

Alright. Sergeant, what really kept them up last night? (Pause) (Loud and impatient) Well?

4th voice:

It was the ghost, sir.

1st voice:

A ghost, heh. Form the platoon. I guarantee the men will sleep tonight.

4th voice:

Yes, sir! Fall in!

1st voice:

Williams! Where'd you get that limp?

Cuffy:

It's nothing, sir. I was running up the stairs.

1st voice:

Chased by the ghost?

Cuffy:

Oh, no sir, I was chasing him.

1st voice:

Well, you can chase yourself right back into that castle--and spend the next ten hours sweeping the floors.

Cuffy:

(Resignedly) Yes, sir.

MUSIC:

More military theme as bridge to next scene

SFX:

Broom sweeping

Cuffy:

Well, well, hello there, Lady.

Jessica:

(Interrupted) Oh--oh, it's you.

Cuffy:

Who did you think it was?

Jessica:

I--oh--I'm--I was just taking these onions into the pantry.

Cuffy:

(Skeptical) Really? Then why did you take that great circle route?

Jessica:

Oh, oh I just thought the mess Sergeant might like some onions. I'm a Brownie and Brownie's raise onions.

Cuffy:

Oh, come now, you were afraid I was a ghost.

Jessica:

So what if I was?

Cuffy:

Well, he's nothing to be afraid of.

Jessica:

Did he come last night?

Cuffy:

Sure. And we chased him right up the chimney.

Jessica:

Oh, you didn't!

Cuffy:

Oh, you think I'm kidding, huh? Well, we'll ask the old foxy grandpa himself.

Jessica:

Who?

Cuffy:

The ghost.

Jessica:

Oh, that won't be necessary.

Cuffy:

Let's see, uh...

SFX:

A few footsteps

SFX:

Door knocks during next line

Cuffy:

This is the door to the room that's sealed up, isn't it? Hmm, pretty solid.

SFX:

Harder knocks

Cuffy:

Hey, grandpa! Open up!

SFX:

Door latch, then creaking door sound

Cuffy:

Well, whadda ya know, it wasn't locked.

Jessica:

Oh, please. Aunty's expecting me home.

Cuffy:

(Off mic) Come over here. Come on.

SFX:

A few slow, hesitant footstep

Cuffy:

(On mic) That's right. Now look, you just pretend you're not afraid, and you won't be. That's all there is to it.

Jessica:

(Uncertain) Are you sure?

Cuffy:

I'll prove it to you. Come on.

SFX:

Footsteps under next few lines

Cuffy:

Hey, ghost! Where are you hiding?

Jessica:

That must be where he was walled up.

Cuffy:

Hmm--those bricks look loose. Maybe I could find a ... Well, whadda ya know. Look.

Jessica:

What?

Cuffy:

Over there on top of the mantle. Sir Simon--he's sitting on the mantle.

Simon:

(Stuffed--he has a cold) Must you invade my tomb? Will there be no place I can call sanctuary?

Cuffy:

What are you doing up there?

Simon:

Trying to keep out of drafts. I have a slight head cold.

Cuffy:

Well, get down here. There's someone I want you to meet.

Simon:

I have already met your colonial ruffians. They pursued me through the halls like ghosts. (Derisively) Humans!

Cuffy:

Now, nobody's gonna hurt ya, grandpa. I want you to meet Lady Jessica. Lady, Sir Simon, the ghost.

Simon:

Milady!

Jessica:

How do you do?

Simon:

Not at all well, thank you. (Sneeze)

Jessica:

Bless you!

Simon:

Oh, thank you.

Cuffy:

Atta, girl! She's been scared stiff of you and I just wanted to show her that you wouldn't hurt a flea.

Simon:

Sir, my record speaks for itself. An unbroken reign of terror for three centuries.

Cuffy:

Record or no record, as long as her Ladyship's around you've got to behave yourself.

Simon:

It is absurd asking me to behave myself. Quite absurd. I must rattle my chains and groan through keyholes. I must gibber from the old window on the first and third Wednesday's of every month. It is my solemn duty to haunt these halls.

Cuffy:

No. That's just a lot of ectoplasm.

Jessica:

But Cuffy, he's a family ghost.

Simon:

Americans, child. What could a people without ancestors know about ghosts?

Cuffy:

Now wait a minute! Wait a minute! You never heard of the headless horseman? Or Red Grange, the Galloping Ghost? Or Mrs. Prune Face?

Simon:

Provincial stuff. Spirits without a crest or title.

Cuffy:

Titles? Well, what about Count Basie? Duke Ellington? The Sultan of Swat?

Simon:

Nobility in a democracy? Balderdash!

Jessica:

But Sir Simon, we've had democracy here in England ever since the Magna Carta.

Simon:

Madam, I have never chosen to recognize it.

Jessica:

But you should, Sir Simon. That's what we're fighting this war about.

Cuffy:

That's the stuff, Milady. You see, you're not afraid a bit.

Jessica:

(Surprised at herself) Oh!

Cuffy:

Well, now that you two Cantervilles are acquainted you must have a lot of family matters to gab about. So, well, I'll get on with my cleaning. (Moving off) You should you're alright, Milady?

Jessica:

Yes, Thank you.

Cuffy:

I'll see ya later.

Jessica:

Unless you'd rather be alone.

Simon:

Oh, no, no, no. Pray, sit down. I've forgotten my manners.

Jessica:

Well, if I may say so, you could have been a little more polite to Cuffy just now.

Simon:

After what he and his band of hooligans did to me? I may have very little else but I still have my pride.

Jessica:

But you frightened them.

Simon:

I must frighten people. I've a reputation to uphold. The most fearsome phantom in all England!

Jessica:

Cuffy told me they chased you up a chimney last night.

Simon:

That's because they wore those ghastly masks and shrouds. (Brief pause, then continue in a lower tone of voice) Lady Jessica, I can pretend no longer. Since last night 'tis I who am frightened. 'Tis I who tremble at the slightest noise.

Jessica:

Oh, poor, poor ghost.

Simon:

Do you know what it means to be a ghost? To live in emptiness between heaven and Earth with nothing for company but bitter memories?

Jessica:

But, do you have to keep on being a ghost?

Simon:

I'm condemned to be a ghost until a kinsman perform a brave deed on my behalf. (Sighing longingly) Oh, if I could only rest. If I could only die. Oh, to be buried in the soft earth in the garden beyond the pine woods. To have no yesterday and no tomorrow.

SFX:

Door opens near end of next line

Jessica:

Oh, dear, I wish I could do a brave deed for you.

Cuffy:

How'd it go, Lady?

Jessica:

Oh, fine.

Cuffy:

Sorry to bust up this reunion, but the Louie will be back in minute.

Jessica:

Goodbye, Sir Simon. And I'm very happy to have met you.

Simon:

Milady:

SFX:

Door closes, followed by a footsteps.

Jessica:

Cuffy, I think you should tell your friends not to chase him up the chimney anymore.

Cuffy:

Well, that depends on him.

Jessica:

But he's so old and tired. (Startled) Oh!

SFX:

Footsteps stop

Cuffy:

Hey, take it easy.

Jessica:

I stumbled on my shoelace. It's untied.

Cuffy:

Stand still, I'll tie it for ya.

(Brief pause)

 

Jessica:

Cuffy!

Cuffy:

Huh?

Jessica:

What's that on your neck? That mark!

Cuffy:

Oh, that's just a birthmark.

SFX:

Footsteps hurrying away

Cuffy:

Hey! Hey! Where're you going?

Jessica:

There's something I have to tell Sir Simon. It's very important. I've got to tell him.

SFX:

Several more hurried footsteps, then door opens.

Jessica:

Sir Simon! Sir Simon!

Simon:

Are you back (sneeze) so soon, Milady?

Jessica:

Cuffy has the Canterville birthmark on his neck.

Simon:

What? That American ruffian!

Jessica:

Exactly like my father had. He must be a Canterville. Isn't that wonderful?

Simon:

Egad! And what if he be a Canterville? Shall I prance around joyously like a saucy antelope?

Jessica:

But Sir Simon, if Cuffy is a Canterville, and if he does a brave deed for you, he can save you, can't he?

Simon:

Can it be that they have concealed from thee why I am still here? Dost fancy 'tis merely because I cannot find a kinsman?

Jessica:

I've overheard Mr. Potter say that all the Canterville's always turn out to be cowards. But that isn't true, is it?

Simon:

Cowards? Gross flattery! Had they twice the courage t'would only give them half the name.

Jessica:

Sir Simon!

Simon:

Thy grandfather--would he mount a horse? Thy father--so fearful of water that he trembled in his bath. Or thyself--swooning at the mere sight of my shadow.

Jessica:

Easy now. (Becoming irritated.) It's your family tree, too, Sir Simon!

Simon:

Only too well do I know it.

Jessica:

But Cuffy can save you! I know it!

Simon:

Hmm?

Jessica:

It isn't true that all Canterville's have to be cowards. I was a coward, wasn't I? I was frightened to death of you. And now look at me! I'm not afraid of you in the least. Don't you see, Sir Simon...

Simon:

Nay! Ill-fated is the Canterville blood and bones.

Jessica:

It isn't in my blood and bones, Sir Simon, and it isn't in Cuffy's. Oh, Sir Simon, I'll arrange for you to meet him again--tonight. In the garden beyond the pine woods. And if it turns out he is a Canterville, my goodness, then you'll be able to sleep at last.

Simon:

Very well, my child. At seven I gibber in the portrait gallery, following which I practice horrible hallucinations. If these go well I'll meet thee in the garden shortly before eight.

(Applause)

 

MUSIC:

Up and play to end

Announcer 1:

You have just heard Act One of the CANTERVILLE GHOST. Mr. Keighley brings you Act Two in just a moment. But first, I have some important news for you. Listen a moment and you'll hear how it sounds over the wires.

SFX:

Telegraph key starts, continues under the following and slowly fades out

Announcer 1:

The telegraph is saying just three words. Here's what they are: New Quick Lux. Yes, that's our big news for millions of housewives. News about a marvelous new quick Lux that suds with almost unbelievable speed. You probably thought Lux Flakes just couldn't be improved. I've heard lots of women say just that. It's so safe, so gentle, so easy on your hands or your clothes, we couldn't make it milder. But here's what scientists, working for years in the laboratories, have done. They've found a way to speed up Lux Flakes. They've added an ingredient costing many thousands of dollars a year which makes new quick Lux give you suds in a second. So fast, well, it's almost unbelievable. You'll think so, too, when you pour out these delicate sheerer flakes. Why, you turn on the water and they bubble into suds like veritable magic. In water as cool as your hand, new quick Lux dissolves three times faster than any of ten other leading soaps tested--flakes, chips, beads or bars. Yet you can get this wonderful new quick Lux at no extra cost. Here's another grand point: New quick Lux goes further. Gives more suds, ounce for ounce, than any of these other soaps. It's so thrifty to use. And its so gentle, so safe for everything in water. Why not stop at your grocer's tomorrow and say: New Quick Lux, please. Your grocer has it. It's in the same familiar box. But it's the wonderful new quick Lux flakes. It suds faster, it's thrifty, it's so safe. You'll love it!

Now, our producer, Mr. Keighley.

Keighley:

And now we present Act Two of THE CANTERVILLE GHOST starring Charles Laughton as the ghost of Sir Simon de Canterville and Margaret O'Brien as young Lady Jessica de Canterville.

MUSIC:

Ominous music begins and then plays under the announcer.

Announcer 2:

Night time envelopes Canterville Castle. In the garden beyond the pine woods Lady Jessica and Cuffy Williams patiently await the ghost of Sir Simon. Suddenly, Jessica sees a faint, phosphorescent glow. Her face brightens in response.

MUSIC:

Music fades as...

SFX:

...Cricket background comes up and continues low throughout scene.

Jessica:

Here we are, Sir Simon. See, I brought him!

Cuffy:

Hiya, Sir Simon. Well, what's cooking?

Simon:

Cooking?

Cuffy:

Yes. I mean, what's all the mystery?

Jessica:

Go on, Sir Simon, ask him.

Simon:

(Slight laugh) Well, ah, tell me, prithee, dost thou by any miracle remember aught of thy ancestors?

Cuffy:

Ancestors? Well, my old man would never look his up. Said he was afraid one might turn up that ended in the hot seat.

Simon:

Hot seat? Now-a-days England and America have everything in common, except of course the language.

Jessica:

Please think., Cuffy, and try to remember.

Cuffy:

Well, I had an Aunt Martha, she was a little wacky on the subject, traced my mother's family tree back to some guy that landed in Massachusetts. It's way, way back. Name was, umm, Marmalade. No, no, ah, Montmorresy? No, ah, Marmaduke.

Simon:

That's the same Marmaduke who fled to Salem after Cromwell scattered the chivalry of England to the four winds.

Jessica:

Oh, Sir Simon.

Cuffy:

You knew him?

Simon:

The son of my brother, Anthony.

Cuffy:

Now take it easy. How do you know it's the same Marmaduke?

Simon:

By the birthmark of the Cantervilles. Observe beneath the ruffle of my collar.

Cuffy:

(After a slight pause to look at the mark) Holy cats! A birthmark same as mine!

Simon:

Now show me thine, please. (Pause while he looks at mark) Holy cats, indeed.

Jessica:

What did I tell you?

Cuffy:

Well, I'll be -- well, ah, well that makes me your, ah--

Jessica:

Nephew! Great, great, great, great nephew!

Simon:

Ay! Thou art a kinsman. A kinsman who can free me from the earthly bonds.

Cuffy:

Huh?

Jessica:

By performing a brave deed in his name.

Cuffy:

You mean that's all I have to do?

Simon:

Thou art a Canterville. The bluest blood in all broad England. Willst thou take my signet ring and carry it into battle on my behalf?

Jessica:

You must help him, Cuffy. He's so old and sleepy.

Cuffy:

O.K., it's a deal. The first time they turn me loose on those Nazis.

Simon:

I shall be everlastingly grateful, nephew.

Jessica:

I, too.

Cuffy:

Thumbs up, uncle. Its in the bag!

Jessica:

(Moving away) Good night, Sir Simon.

Simon:

Good night. God speed! (Pause) Oh, father, grant that he be not like the others.

MUSIC:

Bridge to next scene--strident tempo

(As music ends, fade in on excited voices of soldiers)

 

Cuffy:

(Talking over voices, which quiet down as he progresses) Hey, fellas! Get a load of this!

1st voice:

A load of what?

Cuffy:

A bulletin from the lieutenant. Listen to this! Because of inefficiency of platoon billeted at Canterville Castle. The cause of which has not yet been satisfactorily explained, all leaves to London are hereby cancelled.

(Disappointed voices of the men)

 

2nd voice:

(Over the noise of the men) I can tell 'em the cause. Nobody around here can get any sleep.

3rd voice:

How can we sleep with a ghost in the joint?

4th voice:

What gets me, the Louie still thinks we stayed up all night shootin' craps. If only he'd seen the ghost.

1st voice:

Harmless, huh. He just ruined our weekend.

Cuffy:

Well, he's just doing his job. A ghost has to groan through keyholes and rattle chains.

2nd voice:

Why the, ah, sudden sympathy?

Cuffy:

Well, ah, I've got a sort of personal interest in him. Gentlemen, I have every reason to believe that I am the long lost Duke of Canterville. The bluest blood in all England.

(Slightly astonished reaction from the men -- "Oh!?)

 

3rd voice:

The Duke of Canterville yet, eh?

4th voice:

Seems to me I seen you in the induction center, buddy.

Cuffy:

If I were you I'd be careful what I said and did, see.

1st voice:

Like what?

Cuffy:

Well, like, ah, loafing on my lawn. And, ah, talking before you're talked to.

2nd voice:

So this is your private lawn, eh Dukey?

Cuffy:

Yeah.

2nd voice:

Only you can lie on it?

Cuffy:

Yeah.

2nd voice:

Excuse me, your grace, then lie on it!

(Excited voices as they jump on Cuffy)

 

3rd voice:

Sit on him, Eddy, and let us remove his royal britches.

4th voice:

It's an old English custom.

1st voice:

Yeah. De-pantsin? the Duke.

(Excited voices from all throughout the next five lines)

 

2nd voice:

I got him, here's his pants. O.K., Dukey, you can get up now.

3rd voice:

Hey, fellas, look, company is coming.

4th voice:

It's Lady Jessica and a dame.

Cuffy:

Hey, gimme my pants!

1st voice:

Get behind us, Cuffy. Gather 'round him gents, there's dames comin'!

SFX:

Shuffling feet as they close ranks around Cuffy.

(Voices subside as Jessica speaks)

 

Jessica:

Good afternoon, everybody.

(Voices return the greeting)

 

Jessica:

This is my aunt, Mrs. Polverdine.

(Voices acknowledge Aunt)

 

Aunt:

How do you do.

Jessica:

Cuffy, won't you come and meet my aunt?

Cuffy:

(Off mic--he's behind the other men) Well, if you don't mind, I'd rather meet her from back here. (Nervous laugh) How do you do!

Jessica:

Why are you hiding behind the others?

Cuffy:

Oh, it's sort of, ah, military procedure, Lady Jessica.

Jessica:

Oh. Ah, Cuffy, I mean all of you, Aunty said I should invite you to the party in the village this afternoon.

(Noise of assent from the men)

 

Jessica:

It's only a Saturday At-Home dance, but there'll be refreshments.

2nd voice:

Dames, too? I mean, skirts? I mean, goils!

Jessica:

Oh, yes. And you'll all come?

(Noise of approval)

 

Jessica:

Four o'clock at the Service Center. Don't forget.

(More noises)

 

3rd voice:

(Rising over the noise of the men) Hey, fellas! Look! Over there! The mail's in!

(Excited voices trailing off)

 

Cuffy:

Hey, fellas! Wait! Wait! My pants!

Jessica:

Aunty, look at Cuffy.

Aunt:

Well, what sort of a uniform is that?

Jessica:

Why, Cuffy's wearing a kilt.

Cuffy:

Ooooohhhh!

MUSIC:

Dance music as segue into next scene. Lower and continue playing.

Jessica:

It's very nice of you to dance with me, Cuffy.

Cuffy:

Oh, not at all, Milady.

Jessica:

I'm afraid I'll never learn this kind of dancing.

Cuffy:

Why, you're cutting the rug to ribbons.

Jessica:

Cutting the rug?

Cuffy:

Well, what I mean is, you get with the jive. How's it feel to be a slick chick?

Jessica:

Oh, fine. But does it always make you so dizzy?

MUSIC:

Up during the next line

Cuffy:

O.K., O.K. (Moving away) What would you say to a glass of...

MUSIC:

Plays for several seconds, then lowers for...

4th voice:

Hey, Cuffy! Cuffy!

Cuffy:

(Approaching from off mic) Whaddya want? Oh, hiya Sarge.

4th voice:

I want you should settle an argument.

Cuffy:

Well, let's see what this is all about, Jessica. What of an argument?

Jessica:

Oh, good afternoon, Mr Cawthorne.

Cawthorne:

Good afternoon, Milady.

4th voice:

Cuffy, I was tellin' Mr. Cawthorne the lieutenant thinks it's applesauce about the ghost.

Cuffy:

Oh?

Cawthorne:

As a native of Canterville, gentlemen, I believe you saw the ghost right enough. But the day will never dawn when he will run from a human being.

4th voice:

Hey, Dukey, you tell him.

Cawthorne:

Dukey?

4th voice:

Yeah, Cuffy here. He's the Duke of Canterville. Ain'tcha Cuffy.

Cuffy:

Well, ah, in a manner of speaking I am...

Cawthorne:

(Interrupting with laughing)

Cuffy:

What's the joke?

Cawthorne:

My dear boy, if you wanted to impersonate a British nobleman, you'd never choose a Cantervi--oh, ah, Lady Jessica, my profound apologies.

Cuffy:

Just what's wrong with being a Canterville?

Cawthorne:

Well, since you are so well acquainted with the ghost, sir, I suggest that you ask him.

Jessica:

Oh, Cuffy, will you dance with me again?

Cuffy:

Oh, sure, sure, Lady.

MUSIC:

Up, then segue to next scene. Fade out

(Slight pause)

SFX:

Chains rattling under next line

Simon:

Ah, ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!

Cuffy:

Sir Simon, cut it out, will ya?

Simon:

Huh? Who--who's that?

Cuffy:

It's me, Cuffy. I've been looking for you since midnight. Where have you been?

Simon:

In the north parapet, gibbering. I'm sorry you overheard. I'm in poor voice tonight.

Cuffy:

Look, if you're supposed to hang around here until a Canterville does a brave deed for you, how come your still here after three hundred years?

Simon:

Oh. I've been waiting for you to ask.

Cuffy:

You know, at times someone must have tried to help you.

Simon:

Excuse me, I really must get back to work.

Cuffy:

Now wait a minute, quit stalling. What's wrong with the Cantervilles? If you're trying to hold out on me I'll...

Simon:

Nay, nay kinsman. I was merely trying to spare thee.

Cuffy:

Spare me what? Go on, spill it!

Simon:

Mayhap it is better if thine ancestors speak for themselves. Come with me into the portrait gallery.

MUSIC:

Brief segue to next scene

Simon:

This is the portrait gallery, nephew.

Cuffy:

Hey, would you look at those pictures.

Simon:

Gaze upon them--our noble family. Sir Gregory de Canterville--proud skipper of the frigate Crandon. When she sank he was the first to leave the ship. Sir Andrew de Canterville--he saw a grenadier lose a finger in battle and swooned away. And the blessed twins. Leftenant Paul rode the wrong way in the Charge of the Light Brigade. Leftenant Peter was ten lengths ahead of him.

Cuffy:

You mean they were all cowards?

Simon:

All. Aye! Of all the heroic families that for centuries have brightened the glory of England, ours had to be a brood of lily-livered tit-mice.

Cuffy:

So that's why you held out on me. You thought if I found out I'd be the same way.

Simon:

(Unconvincingly) Oh, never. Not at all. It never entered my mind.

Cuffy:

Then what are you making all the fuss about? I don't care what the others did. This is Cuffy Williams, see?

Simon:

I didn't really...

Cuffy:

Alright, then. That's all I wanted to find out. Now I've got to get back to my bunk before the Sergeant misses me.

Simon:

Adieu, kinsman. (To himself) Would that I could believe that he was different.

MUSIC:

Bridge to next scene.

(Fade in on excited voices of the men)

 

SFX:

Shrill whistle blows twice.

(Noise of men subsides, but does not stop)

 

4th voice:

Alright men. This is it. Start loadin' the trucks. Do it quickly. (Pause) Walker, go after dynamite, plunger box, fuses and wire. Williams, take off that ring, it will shine in the dark.

Cuffy:

O.K.

4th voice:

And don't stick it in your pocket if it's worth anything.

Cuffy:

Well, it's sort of a family heirloom.

4th voice:

Better leave it in the castle. Make it snappy!

Cuffy:

This is it, huh Sarge?

4th voice:

I hadn't ought to tell you this, but you'll know soon enough. We're crossing the channel. We're making a raid on the coast of France. (Louder--spoken to everyone) Alright, let's go. Start bringing up those boxes...

(Noise of bustling men for several seconds)

 

Jessica:

Cuffy! You're going away?

Cuffy:

Looks like it, Lady Jessica.

Jessica:

Then maybe you'll have a chance to do a brave deed for Uncle Simon.

Cuffy:

Listen, Lady, I know there's a yellow streak down the family back a mile wide. Sir Simon told me.

Jessica:

But you're not going to let it worry you.

Cuffy:

How do you think it makes me feel?

Jessica:

Cuffy, you told me yourself--you don't have to be afraid if you think you're not.

Cuffy:

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

Jessica:

Cuffy, I believe in you. And if you have any children of your own I know they'll all believe in you.

Cuffy:

Children? I haven't any children. I haven't even got a wife.

Jessica:

Maybe someday--maybe someday you'll want to marry somebody.

Cuffy:

Well, that's the last thing on my mind. Now lay off, I gotta get going.

Jessica:

Oh, Cuffy! Cuffy!

Simon:

Up to the walls! Our kinsman hies himself to battle.

Jessica:

(Sniffling, holding back tears)

Simon:

Now, now, now, Milady. (Grandiosely) Tears never steeled a noble heart to valor. Upon the craven foe our hero's furious might--(changing tone) you're worried? How do you think I feel?

(Applause)

 

MUSIC:

Gallant music up and play to end.

Announcer 1:

In just a moment Mr. Keighley brings you Act Three of THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.

When you hear something that interests you very much you want to pass it on to your friends, don't you? Well, that's the way it is with new quick Lux Flakes. Women all over the country are talking about it. For instance, here's just a paragraph from a letter Miss Peggy Tippett of Baltimore sent us. "I didn't think Lux could be improved, but you've done it. New quick Lux is amazing. It's so fast, so gentle and so thrifty. It's grand!? She goes on to say, "My sweaters look gorgeous after a dip in new quick Lux Flakes. It's so gentle it leaves them soft and unshrunken. I keep all of my nice things looking new longer with this care. New quick Lux has made me more than ever a Lux fan.? Like so many other women, Miss Tippett thought Lux Flakes were just about the tops--that they couldn't be any better. Well, we couldn't make them safer, or more pure. But our scientists found that by adding a wonderful new ingredient they could speed up the suds. New quick Lux gives you suds in a second. The flakes are so fine, so sheer, they burst into suds at the touch of water. In water as cool as your hand they dissolve three times faster than any of the other ten leading soaps tested -- flakes, chips, beads or bars. New quick Lux makes faster suds. And they go further. It makes more suds ounce for ounce than any of the other soaps tested. That means Lux is thrifty. And that's good news to any woman. New quick Lux costs you no more--not one cent was added to the price. New quick Lux is fast, it's thrifty and it's safe--as mild and pure as ever. There's no harmful alkali to hurt any color or fabric that's safe in plain water. It helps your stockings, under things, dresses, blouses and sweaters stay new-looking longer. Get a box of this amazing new quick Lux Flakes tomorrow. Your grocer has it in the same familiar Lux package. Ask him for a large size box.

We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

(Twenty-second pause for local station announcement. Music plays during the pause)

 

Keighley:

We continue now with the final act of THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.

MUSIC:

Ominous music up and play under during the following...

Announcer 2:

In the black of night a handful of American Rangers have landed somewhere on the coast of France and are creeping stealthily inland. Back in England, the Canterville Ghost rages in the portrait gallery, bolstering his an?mic hopes by hurling defiance at his ancestors.

MUSIC:

Ends

Simon:

(Starting low, then rising in tone as lines continue) Thee skulking, cringing, misbegotten peafowl. Insults painted upon canvas. Ye wretched poltroons. Not for long will I have you leering at me with cynical mockery. Not for long ye dribble pusses! A kinsman worthy of the name now wears my signet ring in battle.

MUSIC:

Bridge, then continue under...

Announcer 2:

Meanwhile, in the cottage on the castle grounds a sleepless Lady Jessica bolsters her hopes in the way most mortals do.

Jessica:

...and please take care of Cuffy, Lord. Don't let him get hurt. And Uncle Simon, he's such a poor, funny old ghost and he's so tired. Won't you please let Cuffy do a brave deed so he can go to sleep? And please take care of Cuffy...

MUSIC:

Still continues, then under for...

Simon:

Ye gallery of lily-livered rabbits. Ye shake-weed milk sops. Well mayest thy cower in thy gilded frames, shamed by a colonial. By Cuffy Williams. As for thee fat Algernon, who posed for two years as a dowager to escape fighting a duel, I spit in thine eye!

SFX:

Exaggerated spitting

Simon:

Thee, Sir Percival, who fought through the thirty years war without firing a shot, thee also...

SFX:

Exaggerated spitting

Simon:

From yonder bunch in yonder room has risen a lion-hearted kinsman. (Pause) Wait! Forsooth! What gleams there in the moonlight? Egads! It's the ring! The signet ring! Imbecile! Doesn't he know he has forgotten it. I must speed it to him before it's too late. Before it's too late.

SFX:

Music changes to dire sound as bridge to the next scene

4th voice:

O.K. men, we're in enemy territory. Remember, we're here for one purpose only--to blow up the oil refinery.

(General consent from the men)

 

4th voice:

The refinery has got to go at 23: 50. Check your watches. It's now 23: 07. Jordan, Baker, Williams.

Cuffy, 2nd, 3rd voices:

Yes, sir!

4th voice:

Get off the road and set-up the machine gun in the ditch. If you see any Jerry's it's up to you to hold them off until the rest of us get back.

Cuffy, 2nd, 3rd voices:

Check.

4th voice:

Jordan, you'll find telephone wires down the road. Cut them and get back to Cuffy and Baker.

3rd voice:

O.K. Sarge. See ya later, kids.

4th voice:

The rest of us will go up this side road. After the explosion, wait until the last man has reached the shore, then join us.

Cuffy:

Yes, sir.

4th voice:

O.K. Good luck.

(Pause)

 

2nd voice:

Cuffy.

Cuffy:

Yeah.

2nd voice:

There's a hill right in back of us. Get up there and keep watch.

Cuffy:

What about you?

2nd voice:

I'll set-up the machine gun. Ya see anything get back here on the double.

Cuffy:

O.K.

MUSIC:

Bridge to next scene.

(Entire next scene is played with subdued voices)

 

Cuffy:

Who's that? Who's there? Halt or I'll fire!

Simon:

Allay your bullets, kinsman, tis only I.

Cuffy:

Oh, what the devil are you doing here?

Simon:

You forgot the ring. You left it in the castle. Here, nephew.

Cuffy:

Oh, get away from me.

Simon:

Put it in thy pocket. Only have it on thy person when the test comes.

Cuffy:

(Annoyed) Alright. Give it here.

Simon:

Oh, thank you, nephew. Thinkest thou the enemy will come this way?

Cuffy:

That isn't what's worrying you.

Simon:

Oh, plague. Take it man. What with half an eye one can see that thou hast the courage of St. George.

Cuffy:

Horse feathers. Get out of here, will ya?

Simon:

Well, I only thought that I could bolster you up in case you were a bit squeamish.

Cuffy:

I wanna be squeamish.

2nd voice:

(Off mic) Hey, Cuffy!

Cuffy:

Yeah?

2nd voice:

You alright?

Cuffy:

Sure. What time is it?

2nd voice:

23: 50

Simon:

Who's that thou converse with?

Cuffy:

Look, Sir Simon, I thought I told you...

SFX:

Loud explosion off in the distance

Simon:

Zounds! What mighty blast is that?

Cuffy:

The refinery! They've blown it up.

SFX:

Approaching motorcycles

Simon:

Nephew! Look! Look down there on the road.

Cuffy:

Motorcycles. Jerry's!

Simon:

Keep a cool head! Keep a cool head!

2nd voice:

Cuffy! Cuffy! Motorcycles. A patrol. Get down here and hold the ammunition up.

Simon:

Keep a cool head. Keep a cool head.

Cuffy:

(A bit louder) Oh, get out of here. Beat it.

2nd voice:

Huh? What's the matter with you?

Cuffy:

Look, Trigger. Jerry's. Lots of 'em. What are you waiting for?

2nd voice:

Nothing.

SFX:

Sustained machine gun fire with occasional rifle shots. Voices in the distance. Then machine gun stops. Rifles continue. Shouts of men.

Cuffy:

Trigger, what's the matter? What's the matter, Trigger?

2nd voice:

(He's wounded) Looks...like...you'd better take over, Cuffy.

Cuffy:

Trigger!

2nd voice:

Get 'em Cuffy. Get 'em. The machine gun. Jordan'll be back soon.

Cuffy:

Yeah. Yeah, Jordan. Jordan.

Simon:

Fire nephew! Fire! Fire! Nephew!

Cuffy:

Blood. Trigger's blood.

Simon:

Nephew! They're drawing closer.

Cuffy:

Blood.

3rd voice:

What's the matter with you?

Cuffy:

He's dead, Jordan. Trigger's dead.

3rd voice:

Let me at that machine gun. Are you a fool?

SFX:

Machine gun starts again, then fades for...

MUSIC:

Bridge to next scene.

(Fade in on murmur of men)

 

1st voice:

At ease, men!

(Voices quite down)

 

4th voice:

Well men, the Colonel's compliments. After last night's raid he wants me to tell you you're the best so-and-so platoon in the whole outfit.

(Cheers from the men)

 

4th voice:

But I'm not satisfied.

(Disappointment from the men)

 

4th voice:

So we're gonna take a little jaunt into these woods and iron out the mistakes we made. Right now.

(More disappointment from the men)

 

4th voice:

Williams!

Cuffy:

(Off mic) Yes, sir!

4th voice:

Come here a minute.

Cuffy:

(Approaching) Yes, sir!

4th voice:

Williams, I've discussed your case with the Colonel. We both considered what happened last night and feel we have no alternative but to transfer you back to your old outfit.

Cuffy:

Yes, sir.

4th voice:

Remember, Williams, there are men who may psychologically be unfit for combat but who can still perform useful roles in service. Well, pack up your things. I'll arrange for your transfer when we get back from maneuvers.

Cuffy:

Thank you, sir.

4th voice:

Good luck, Williams.

2nd voice:

Sergeant, the platoon is formed.

4th voice:

Alright. Left face! Right shoulder, harms! Forward, march!

SFX:

Marching feet move away

Jessica:

Oh Cuffy, Cuffy, I've been expecting you all morning. What happened?

Cuffy:

Oh, you'd better run along home, Lady, I've got to go in and pack.

Jessica:

Are you going away?

Cuffy:

Yeah.

Jessica:

Oh, Cuffy!

Cuffy:

That's right, look at me. I'm a Canterville alright. Just as cowardly as the rest of them.

Jessica:

No, Cuffy. No! Don't say that! You're not a coward. You're brave. I know it. I know it!

Cuffy:

Alright, Lady, have it your own way.

Jessica:

Cuffy!

Cuffy:

(Moving away from mic) I'm sorry it turned out like this.

Jessica:

Cuffy!

MUSIC:

Bridge to next scene

Simon:

Ah, wretched me that I should have pinned my faith again upon a Canterville.

Cuffy:

Ah, pipe down, Sir Simon, will ya? And get down off that chandelier, it makes me nervous.

Simon:

Nervous? Ay, that I can well believe.

Cuffy:

Oh, shut up. Get out. I've got to pack.

Simon:

Pack then, and leave me to my fate. Thou who hast raised my hopes, only to dash them like a robin on a rock of granite.

Jessica:

(Running in) Cuffy! Cuffy!

Cuffy:

Oh, Milady, you can't come in here. I know it's your castle, but, well, this is barracks.

Jessica:

There's a parachute. I saw it coming down.

Cuffy & Simon:

Parachute?

Jessica:

Maybe a Nazi came down with it. Oh Cuffy, what'll we do?

Cuffy:

Where did you see it?

Jessica:

It came down this side of the stone bridge.

Cuffy:

Where is the stone bridge?

Jessica:

Do you know the old side road?

Cuffy:

No.

Jessica:

Then I'll take you there. I know a short cut.

Cuffy:

(Moving away from mic) Alright! Come on! We'll grab a Jeep. Hurry!

Simon:

Nephew, wait for me. Wait for me!

(Brief silence)

 

SFX:

Fade in on Jeep moving down road, stops.

Jessica:

There it is, Cuffy. The parachute.

Cuffy:

Yeah. Caught in a tree. I don't see anybody but you'd better stay here. I'm gonna take a look around. (Moving away from mic) Duck down in the Jeep, now. Duck down.

Jessica:

Cuffy, look over there.

Cuffy:

Huh?

Jessica:

Over by the woods. Those men--who are they?

Cuffy:

Don't worry about them. They're Rangers. Maneuvers. That's where I'd be if I hadn't... (Stops in mid-sentence. Pause)

Jessica:

Cuffy, what is it?

Cuffy:

In the bushes. A parachute mine! A bomb! A blockbuster! Oh, let's get out of here, Lady. If that thing goes off it'll kill every living thing within a half-a-mile. We gotta get...(Stops in mid-sentence. Pause) Oh-oh, the Rangers. They're scattered all through the woods. They'll be killed. Get back to the castle. Run, quick!

Jessica:

Aren't you coming?

Cuffy:

No. I've got to drag it away with the Jeep. Dump it over the cliff. Get going now. Run, quick. Hide in the cellar. Run!

SFX:

Jeep starts up and drives away.

Simon:

Lady Jessica!

Jessica:

Sir Simon.

Simon:

Where's Cuffy? Has he encountered the enemy?

Jessica:

Oh no, Uncle Simon. Cuffy's moving a blockbuster. He's doing the greatest deed there ever was!

Simon:

Egads! Darest I believe again? Where?

Jessica:

This way.

SFX:

Footsteps shuffle through grass

Jessica:

Down through here. (Pause)

Simon:

Oh. Oh! Save thy breath, child. Look to his quaking knees. His eyes that tremble with the ague. His hand that shrinks from contact with yon lethal instrument.

Jessica:

No, uncle. No!

SFX:

Child's footsteps running through the grass

Jessica:

Cuffy! Cuffy! Cuffy! You can do it! You were doing the brave deed!

Cuffy:

I--I can't touch it. There's a timer on it. The least little jar would set it ticking. I...(at a loss for words)

Jessica:

Cuffy, you were doing a brave deed. Don't you see? You can do it! You don't have to be afraid because you're a Canterville. Look Cuffy, I'm not afraid of the bomb!

SFX:

Kicking the bomb

Jessica:

Look, Cuffy. I'm kicking it. I'm not afraid! I'm not afraid of anything--because...

Simon:

Gad-zounds. It's ticking! You've started it ticking!

Cuffy:

O.K., Lady. Thanks for the lesson. I'm alright now. You run for it. Go on, get out of here, this goes off in 50 seconds!

Jessica:

Oh, Cuffy!

Cuffy:

Hurry! (Moving away from mic) I'm dragging this thing out of here.

SFX:

Jeep starts, drives away as scene progresses

Cuffy:

Go on, Milady! Run for it!

Simon:

Nephew, nephew, careful. Careful.

Cuffy:

Hop on, Uncle. Keep your eye on that tow chain. Let me know if it slips.

(Several seconds of Jeep running)

 

Cuffy:

Well, we're out of the underbrush. Hold on now.

Simon:

Whoops! (Pause) Nephew, lookout! The Rangers.

Cuffy:

(Shouting) Hey, Rangers! Run for your lives! I've got a blockbuster on here. A time bomb. Run! Blockbuster!

Simon:

Where are we going, nephew?

Cuffy:

We're going to dump it over the ravine if we get that far.

Simon:

How many more seconds?

Cuffy:

I don't know, maybe 20.

Simon:

1--2--3--4--5-6-7--8--9--10--11

Cuffy:

There's the ravine. We'd better jump. Let the Jeep take it over. (Pause)

There she goes!

SFX:

Jeep noise fades away

Cuffy:

Whew! We just made it.

Simon:

27--28--29--30--31--32--33--34--35

Cuffy:

Say, what's all this hooey about ticking? Ahh--it's a dud. We never were in any danger. All that work...

SFX:

Huge explosion

MUSIC:

Climactic bridge to next scene

Jessica:

Aunty! Aunty!

Aunt:

Oh, Jessica dear, thank goodness you're alright. It must have been an air raid.

Jessica:

No. It was Cuffy.

Aunt:

Cuffy?

Jessica:

Near the stone bridge. A bomb from a parachute. Cuffy blew it up. Cuffy saved everyone. And if Cuffy didn't get away, then Cuffy's blown up too.

Cuffy & Simon:

(From afar-singing, slowing nearing mic) "Roll out the barrel, we'll have a barrel of fun. Roll out the barrel, we've got the blues on the run,?

Jessica:

Cuffy! Cuffy!

Cuffy:

"Roll out the barrel, ring out a song of good cheer. Everybody roll a barrel, 'cause the gang's all here.?

Jessica:

Cuffy! Cuffy! You're alive! What happened?

Cuffy:

Happened? I just dumped that cock-eyed thing right in the ravine.

Simon:

Like St. George slaying the cock-eyed dragon.

Jessica:

Oh, Uncle Simon...

Simon:

What, child?

Jessica:

Cuffy is a Canterville. And if he's done a brave deed for you, then, then why are you still here?

Cuffy:

Hmm. Yeah. Why aren't you in the garden beyond the pine woods?

Simon:

Yea. Verily. Why not?

Cuffy:

Well, if you're going, you'd better hurry. Here come the Rangers.

Simon:

Father! Father! Why am I still in mortal coils?

MUSIC:

Music begins, building during scene.

SFX:

Thunder begins from afar. Building during scene

Jessica:

Look at Uncle Simon. He's glowing.

Men:

(In the distance) Hey guys!

Look at that.

The ghost!

(General amazement)

 

Simon:

Thank you, nephew. Thank you niece. (Fading) Farewell. Farewell!

(MUSIC and THUNDER stop)

 

Jessica:

He's gone.

Cuffy:

Did you see that Lieutenant?

1st voice:

Yeah, that's what we've been trying to tell ya. Hey! Lieutenant!

SFX:

Body falling on the ground

1st voice:

Hey, guys! The Louie has fainted.

MUSIC:

Bridge to next scene

Jessica:

Here it is. Uncle Simon's grave.

Cuffy:

The garden beyond the pine woods. Looks like a mighty restful place.

Jessica:

Isn't it nice that he can have a little plot to call his own? And a headstone of his own, too.

Cuffy:

Well, that was the Rangers' idea. We had it inscribed, see?

MUSIC:

Begins softly in background--play throughout scene

Cuffy:

Sir Simon de Canterville. 1603 to 1942. Gee, that certainly is a long time to go without sleep.

Jessica:

Yes. But you nearly always have to wait for something you want very much, Cuffy.

Cuffy:

Huh?

Jessica:

How old are you?

Cuffy:

How old? Why?

Jessica:

I shall be eight in May.

MUSIC:

Climactic music up and end.

(Applause with music)

 

Keighley:

The sentence of Sir Simon de Canterville has ended. But it ends with the triumph of a brave man, and the faith of a child, as the curtain falls on THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.

Announcer 1:

In just a moment, Mr. Keighley returns with our stars.

The other day I was driving through Pasadena and I stopped in at a grocery store for something. A couple of women were standing near me giving their order. They both ordered a couple of boxes of new quick Lux. Well, naturally that interested me so I mentioned to the grocer that it looked like he was doing a rush business on Lux Flakes. He said that new quick Lux was going like hot cakes. He'd heard plenty of his customers say that they thought Lux just couldn't be any better, it's so safe and gentle. But darned if they haven't gone and made it suds faster. His wife told him it makes just about the fastest suds she ever saw. And she oughta know--she's tried lots of different soaps. She thinks new quick Lux Flakes beats them all hollow. Yes, ladies, we've made Lux Flakes so much faster. A wonderful new ingredient gives you suds in a second. The flakes are so fine, so sheer, they burst into suds at the touch of water--even in water as cool as your hand. They dissolve three times faster than any of ten other leading soaps tested--flakes, beads, bars and chips. Yes, new quick Lux gives faster suds. But that's not all. It goes further. It gives you more suds ounce-for-ounce than any of the other soaps tested. Do you know what that means? It means a little goes so far, it's thrifty. Really thrifty. Your grocer has this wonderful new quick Lux right now, in the same familiar Lux Flakes box. Ask him for it tomorrow. I know you'll like it. And remember, it costs you no more. It's so fast, and so thrifty and so safe for all your washables. For everything safe in water alone.

And now, Mr. Keighley is bringing our stars to the microphone.

Keighley:

I can't thank Mr. Laughton and Miss O'Brien enough for bringing this story to our stage.

Laughton:

Well, thank you, Mr. Keighley, for giving us the opportunity. And it was a delight to work with Margaret again.

O'Brien:

The pleasure was all mine, Mr. Laughton. And may I say, you have the best laugh of any ghost I've ever know of.

Laughton:

Now, Mr. Keighley, tell us what's in store next week on the Lux Radio Theater.

Keighley:

Next Monday night our star is Bing Crosby. And he's going to appear in SING, YOU SINNERS. Bing will have the same role he played on the screen in the Paramount pictures success. SING, YOU SINNERS is a lively comedy that combines adventure and romance. And in addition to Bing Crosby, we'll have Ralph Bellamy, Elizabeth Patterson and Jacqueline Wells. So join us then, won't you?

Laughton:

Good night, Mr. Keighley.

O'Brien:

Goodnight.

Keighley:

Good night from Hollywood.

MUSIC:

Theme up and play to end

(Applause with music)

 

Announcer 1:

This CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.