Generic Radio Workshop Script Library (BACK)

Series: Fibber McGee and Molly
Show: Valentine Candy
Date: Feb 10 1942

CAST:
HARLOW WILCOX, announcer
FIBBER McGEE
MOLLY McGEE
MESSENGER, a youngster
OLD TIMER, gregarious
MAYOR LaTRIVIA, imperious
MRS. UPPINGTON, snooty
WALLACE WIMPLE, wimpy, henpecked husband
THE KING'S MEN, a vocal group
NBC ANNOUNCER (1 line)

WILCOX:

The Johnson Wax Program with Fibber McGee and Molly!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WILCOX:

The makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat present Fibber McGee and Molly, written by Don Quinn, with songs by the King's Men and music by Billy Mills. The show opens with "Hallelujah."

MUSIC:

SWINGIN' INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF VINCENT YOUMANS' "HALLELUJAH" ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

The old days of Saturday night baths and Saturday afternoon floor-scrubbing are pretty well gone forever. We now know that that weekly scrubbing of linoleum floors was very harmful and eventually ruined the linoleum. It's so much safer, so much easier, to protect floors with the modern floor polish, Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat. You not only save your linoleum and make it last longer, but you save yourself lots of work, because Glo-Coat needs no rubbing or buffing. You simply apply and let dry. Glo-Coat is self-polishing. Glo-Coat is no ordinary polish. When you use it, you'll notice its lasting luster. You'll see how it wears evenly and smoothly without chipping. That's because Glo-Coat has a flexible, not a brittle, film. One trial will also convince you that Glo-Coat is economical, because a little goes so far. Make a note to remind yourself to buy some Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat this week.

MUSIC:

"HALLELUJAH" UP, THEN TO A FINISH ... THEN OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WILCOX:

Some people think it would be a great thing if we were able to peer into the future. Personally, we think it's a blessing that we can't. For instance, here at 79 Wistful Vista, sits the lady of the house, darning socks for the master of the house, who doesn't know that a messenger boy is approaching with-- (GRANDLY) Ahhh, what can be in store -- for Fibber McGee and Molly?!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MOLLY:

Well, McGee, you'll have to buy some new socks.

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

I've darned these so many times they're practically hand-made. ...

FIBBER:

Okay, I'll get some tomorrow. But it's an awful nuisance. Gee, I wish I was a kid again and could go barefooted.

MOLLY:

Do you really?

FIBBER:

Well, no, not really. These guys that keep yearning for their childhood days are just kidding themselves. I wouldn't go through that again for a million bucks!

MOLLY:

Why not?

FIBBER:

Oh, I was a regular little gangster when I was a kid.

MOLLY:

Aw, go on. (CHUCKLES)

FIBBER:

I ever tell ya about the morning I and Skinny Crandall and Bones Biddle and Stinky Hooper tied a wire across the schoolhouse steps?

MOLLY:

(LAUGHS)

FIBBER:

Then waited in the bushes for the teacher to show up?

MOLLY:

No. (LAUGHS) No, ya nasty boy. What happened?

FIBBER:

(CHUCKLES) Well, we waited till noon, then suddenly realized it was Saturday. ... So we started runnin' down to the old swimmin' hole and I tripped on the wire and darn near busted--

SOUND:

DOORBELL

MOLLY:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MESSENGER:

Package for Mrs. McGee.

MOLLY:

For me?

MESSENGER:

Are you Mrs. McGee?

MOLLY:

Well, what do I have to do? Show you my marriage license?

MESSENGER:

Naw, I can see Mr. McGee. Nobody else'd live with him.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

FIBBER:

Fresh kid. Why, when I was his age, I was polite and thoughtful.

MOLLY:

Yes, you were, you little gangster.

SOUND:

PACKAGE UNWRAPPED

MOLLY:

I wonder what this is. (PLEASED) Oh, heavenly days! Four pounds of valentine candy!

FIBBER:

Hmmm, who's that from?

MOLLY:

Oh, as if you didn't know!

FIBBER: Huh?

MOLLY:

(LAUGHS) You darling! You did remember, didn't you?

FIBBER:

(PUZZLED) Well, I-- Well, I-- Ain't there a note in it, or something?

MOLLY:

Well, why should there be? Who'd be sendin' me valentine candy but you?

FIBBER:

Valentine--?

MOLLY:

And my favorite kind, too.

FIBBER:

Well, I don't-- I-- Well, I'm glad you like it, Molly. What kind is it?

MOLLY:

(AMUSED) Now, listen, don't be so coy, McGee.

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

Ha ha! You can't fool me.

FIBBER:

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) No? (FORCED LAUGH). Well, Valentine's Day comes but once a year, they say. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Or is that Christmas? ... Hmmm. No. No, it's Valentine's Day, too. I guess. Isn't there any--? Didn't I put a note in it?

MOLLY:

Well, I don't see any, but ya didn't have to. If a man can't send a valentine to his wife without a lot of explanations, I'd like to know who--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

OLD TIMER:

(LOUD) Hello there, Johnny! Hello, daughter! Hey, can I speak to you alone a minute, Johnny?

FIBBER:

Why, sure. Excuse us a minute, Molly.

MOLLY:

Certainly, go right ahead.

FIBBER:

What's on your mind, Old Timer?

OLD TIMER:

Look, I'm sellin' Valentines, Johnny. Wanta buy one for the kid there? Nothin' women appreciate more than a little touch of sentiment, ya know.

FIBBER:

No, thanks, Old Timer. She just got a big box of candy for a valentine.

OLD TIMER:

She did, eh? Good for you, Johnny.

FIBBER:

Well, I don't know whether it is or not. Just between you and me, I don't remember sending it to her.

OLD TIMER:

Then you better buy one of these, and send it, too.

FIBBER:

Oh, no. Then she'd get suspicious.

OLD TIMER:

Aw, don't be a fool, Johnny. The more you send 'em, the better they like it.

FIBBER:

Hm?

OLD TIMER:

Here, here. Here's a beaut -- all lace and stuff.

FIBBER:

Mmm.

OLD TIMER:

Says, uh, "Roses are sweet, and so is your soul. I'm gonna throw out my sugar, and put you in the bowl."

FIBBER:

No, thanks. I don't want any valentines, Old Timer. I don't mind wearin' my heart on my sleeve, but I hate the idea of a mailman draggin' it all around town in the rain. Thanks, anyway.

OLD TIMER:

Okay, Johnny. (CALLS) Uh, sorry to keep you waitin', daughter! Just wanted to talk a little business with Johnny here.

MOLLY:

(APPROACHES) Oh, that's all right, Mr. Old Timer. I was busy darning his socks anyway. Just look how he tears holes in 'em.

OLD TIMER:

Yes -- he's a holy terror, ain't he? ... Well, I gotta get back to my job, kids. Be seein' ya.

FIBBER:

What d'ya mean, your job? What you doin'?

OLD TIMER:

Oh, I'm caretaker down at the Wistful Vista Recreation Center.

FIBBER:

Oh.

OLD TIMER:

Keep the tennis courts in condition.

MOLLY:

Oh, must be quite a chore.

OLD TIMER:

Oh, no. Just a few swipes with a cloth full of Johnson's Wax and I'm caught up for several days.

FIBBER:

Johnson's Wax? On a tennis court?

OLD TIMER:

Yup! Table tennis, Johnny! Well, so long, kids!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MUSIC:

SWINGIN' INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF POP TUNE

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MOLLY:

Oh, McGee, I wish you'd never sent me this candy. I just can't keep my hands out of it, it's so good. Don't you like it?

FIBBER:

Hm. Sure I like it. Why shouldn't I like it?

MOLLY:

Well, you keep eyein' the box like you were afraid it was goin' to eat you.

FIBBER:

I do? (FORCED TITTER) Well, I guess I just got a complex about candy. Ever since my mother used to feed me butterscotch to pull out my baby teeth.

MOLLY:

(QUIET LAUGH)

FIBBER:

Never believed in that string-on-the-doorknob business myself.

MOLLY:

Well, there's no butterscotch in this candy, dearie.

FIBBER:

That's what I keep telling my teeth. Besides-- Hey, who's walkin' around upstairs?

MOLLY:

Oh, poor Uncle Dennis. He's all upset.

FIBBER:

What about?

MOLLY:

Oh, he's thinking of starting a lawsuit against Walt Disney.

FIBBER:

Walt Disney?

MOLLY:

Yep.

FIBBER:

What for?

MOLLY:

Oh, that pink elephant sequence in "Dumbo." ... Uncle Dennis says he saw 'em first. ...

FIBBER:

He's all wet. You can't copyright a hangover. Anyway, what right--?

SOUND:

DOORBELL

MOLLY:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

LaTRIVIA:

Good day, Mrs. McGee. Good day, McGee.

FIBBER:

Hi, LaTrivia.

MOLLY:

Hello, Mr. Mayor. Have some candy?

LaTRIVIA:

Thank you, no. I'm on a low carbohydrate diet.

FIBBER:

Well, you better stock up on them then, LaTriv. They tell me there's gonna be a shortage of low carbo-hydrants.

LaTRIVIA:

(CONTEMPTUOUS) You don't say. If I might make a suggestion, McGee, it would be to the effect that people who have no clear comprehension of a subject under discussion would be well advised to maintain a discreet silence.

FIBBER:

(BEAT) I don't get it.

MOLLY:

Well, he said, dearie, that if ignorance is bliss, happy days are here again. Or, if you don't know what you're talkin' about when you pipe up -- pipe down.

FIBBER:

Oh, yeah? Well, now look here, LaTrivia--

LaTRIVIA:

Just a moment, McGee. Will you please refrain hereafter--?

MOLLY:

Don't ask him to make any promises about the hereafter, Mr. Mayor. ... His forwarding address is unknown. ...

FIBBER:

What are you talkin' about anyway, LaTrivia? And quit shakin' your finger in my face. I'm liable to think it's Halloween and start bobbin' for knuckles.

LaTRIVIA:

All right. But hereafter, McGee, please refrain from telling motorcycle policemen that you are a close relation of mine and "they can't do that" to you.

MOLLY:

Do what to you, McGee?

FIBBER:

If he's referrin' to what I think he's referrin' to, he means that I got a ticket yesterday for parkin' eight minutes overtime.

LaTRIVIA:

For parking one hour and eight minutes overtime.

FIBBER:

Well, can I help it if I forgot to set my watch back last Sunday night?

MOLLY:

You weren't supposed to set it back. You were supposed to set it ahead.

LaTRIVIA:

In that case, it would be two hours and eight minutes.

FIBBER:

It'd be no such-a thing! It'd be eight minutes less than one hour. There's two-hour parkin' on Oak Street, so the city owes me fifty-two minutes.

MOLLY:

Now wait a minute, boys, let's get this straight. Let's say you parked at exactly three o'clock and--

FIBBER:

But I didn't. I parked at eight minutes to four.

MOLLY:

Oh, for goodness sakes. You might at least park on the even hour. The odd minutes make these arguments too confusing.

LaTRIVIA:

Yes. Anyway, McGee, the justness of the complaint does not concern me. What I object to is your assuming that I, as mayor of Wistful Vista, would use the power of my office to obstruct the due processes of law. Furthermore, you had no business telling the officer that I was your nephew on your mother's side.

FIBBER:

(INCREASINGLY MELODRAMATIC, LIKE AN ORATOR ARGUING A CASE) You leave my mother out of this, LaTrivia! A fine thing, draggin' a guy's family into a sordid case like this. For sha-a-a-ame!

MOLLY:

But, McGee -- he didn't say--

FIBBER:

(CAN'T STOP HIM NOW) And to think a guy like him is our mayor! It ain't enough that him and his Cossack cops ride roughshod over the common citizens! No-o-o, he's gotta get personal, he's gotta--!

LaTRIVIA:

Now just a minute, McGee. You were the one who started--

FIBBER:

(OVER THE TOP) No! He dragged my family through the mud and the slime of a court trial! Holdin' us up to public ridicule -- just so--!

LaTRIVIA:

(CAVES IN, SCREAMING) All right, all right! (MOVING OFF) I'll fix the ticket! I'll fire the policeman! I'll resign! Forget it!

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS ... APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

(LAUGHS, THEN DEADPAN) Boy, I should have been a lawyer.

MOLLY:

But you had no business telling the policeman that the mayor was your nephew.

FIBBER:

Oh, no? I just proved it, didn't I? I made him holler "Uncle!" ... Give me a piece of that candy. Any chocolate-covered peanuts in there?

MOLLY:

Well, you ought to know. You bought it.

FIBBER:

Huh? I-- Oh-- Well, I-- Well, I didn't specify every piece that went into the box.

MOLLY:

(SWEET) I bet you did. There's everything I like in it. Oh, you're so thoughtful, McGee.

FIBBER:

Oh, shucks.

MOLLY:

Ah, Valentine's Day. I think it was a Valentine's Day we first went out together, dearie.

FIBBER:

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) I carved our initials inside of a big heart on that old oak tree in back of the brewery.

MOLLY:

The schoolhouse.

FIBBER:

The brewery.

MOLLY:

Schoolhouse, McGee.

FIBBER:

I remember it was the brewery, because the only grove of trees where you could hitch a horse to was--

MOLLY:

McGee! ... For twenty years and more, I've been tellin' people it was back of the schoolhouse and I can't change it now! Heavenly days, what's romantic about a brewery?

FIBBER:

Well, if it had been in back of the schoolhouse, I'd 'a' ruined my jackknife. The only tree back there was a big steel flagpole.

MOLLY:

Well, just the same, I insist that--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

WILCOX:

Hello, folks.

FIBBER:

Oh, hi, Harlow. Have a piece of candy; it's wonderful.

MOLLY:

Stop braggin', McGee.

FIBBER:

I ain't braggin'. I don't even know who-- (QUICKLY) Here, have a nougat, Harlow!

WILCOX:

No, thanks. Say, do you people ever see Life magazine?

MOLLY:

Yes, we do, Mr. Wilcox. McGee always gets Life, Collier's, the American Magazine, and Disturbing Detective. And anybody who'd read Disturbing Detective ought to get life. ... Hanging is too good.

FIBBER:

But, Molly, I gotta get Disturbing Detective. On account of the back cover.

MOLLY:

Why for the back cover?

FIBBER:

I'm tryin' to see how long Charles Atlas can keep his chest expanded like that.

MOLLY:

Why did you ask, Mr. Wilcox?

WILCOX:

Well, the Johnson Wax people have got a double-page ad in Life next Friday and I didn't want you to miss it. We're featuring the Consumer's Pledge for Total Defense.

FIBBER:

Whatcha mean, Pledge?

WILCOX:

Well, look. Look, here's one of the cards for Molly to sign. Uh, read it, Molly.

MOLLY:

All right. (READS) "As a consumer, in the total defense of democracy, I will do my part to make my home, my community, my country, ready, efficient, and strong. I will buy carefully. I will take good care of the things I have. I will waste nothing. Place for signature. Consumer Division, Office of Price Administration." Well, I'll certainly sign that, Mr. Wilcox.

WILCOX:

Thanks, Molly. This is mighty important, right now. If there was ever a time to conserve and save and protect and preserve, it's today. And Johnson's Wax does all of them in so many ways, it's a pretty necessary item on your kitchen shelf.

MOLLY:

Oh, say, and that reminds me, I'd better go in the kitchen and see if I have enough on hand. (MOVING OFF) Excuse me a minute, boys.

WILCOX:

Certainly, Molly. (TO FIBBER) Well, now I'll have a chaw of your chocolates, chum.

FIBBER:

Well, here, help yourself. And look--

WILCOX:

Yeah?

FIBBER:

You didn't send this candy to Molly, did you?

WILCOX:

Not me, pal. I don't send candy to married women. I'm allergic to buckshot. Why, didn't you?

FIBBER:

If I did, you can bop me with a bon-bon if I remember doin' it.

WILCOX:

(LAUGHS) Well, maybe you walked in your sleep again and crashed a confectionary.

FIBBER:

Say, I wonder if-- Oh, no. That ain't possible. The candy stores aren't open that late. Still-- Hey, you call on a lot of stores, don't ya, Harlow?

WILCOX:

Sure, now that I'm taking these pledge cards around.

FIBBER:

Well, look. Kinda snoop around and see what you can find out, will ya? See if a guy, about my size, wearin' purple pajamas and green slippers--

WILCOX:

Yeah.

FIBBER:

--with a sleepy look on his puss, came wanderin' in anyplace and bought a box of valentine candy--

WILCOX:

(LOW) Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Easy, easy. Here - here she comes. (LOUD, FOR MOLLY'S BENEFIT, MOVING OFF) Er, uh, okay, pal, okay! I'll tell George - what you said! So long, see you later!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

FIBBER:

So long, George. Er--

MOLLY:

Say -- who's George, McGee? And, uh, uh, what'd ya want Mr. Wilcox to tell him?

FIBBER:

Er, uh -- George?

MOLLY:

Yes, George.

FIBBER:

Oh, George! (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Yeah. He's, uh-- Oh! Oh, he meant old George Frahoolis.

MOLLY:

Who on earth is George Frahoolis?

FIBBER:

He used to have a tire shop out on Fourteenth Street. (FORCED CHUCKLE) Just sold it and took up blacksmithing. ... I just told Harlow to wish him good luck. Though why a guy in the horseshoe business should need anybody to tell him--

MOLLY:

Toss me one of those coconut cremes, McGee. They're delicious.

FIBBER:

Here.

MOLLY:

Thank you. My, I don't know when a box of candy has intrigued me like this one, dearie.

FIBBER:

Yeah, me, either. I mean, uh, me, too.

MOLLY:

What?

FIBBER:

Uh, I mean-- Well, I'm glad you like it, Molly. You always did like mixed chocolates, didn't you?

MOLLY:

Yes, and weren't you nice to remember.

FIBBER:

Yes.

MOLLY:

But then you always were thoughtful. (LAUGHS, AFFECTIONATE) Always the gentlemen.

FIBBER:

Yeah.

MOLLY:

(GIGGLES) Remember the time I dropped my handkerchief at the dance and you and Otis Cadwallader both rushed to pick it up?

FIBBER:

(WITH A LAUGH) Yeah.

MOLLY:

And bumped your heads together and knocked each other out? (LAUGHS HEARTILY)

FIBBER:

Yeah, but I came to. ... That guy's still unconscious.

MOLLY:

Ha ha! Oh, my, you were jealous of him! I believe you still are.

FIBBER:

Aw, I am not.

MOLLY:

Say, I saw in the paper last night that he's in town.

FIBBER:

(REACTS BY LOUDLY CHOKING ON A CHOCOLATE)

MOLLY:

What's the matter?

FIBBER:

This candy kinda choked me. ... In fact, I think any of it would choke me.

MOLLY:

What d'ya mean?

FIBBER:

I mean, that Otis Cadwallader. He might be the guy who - who-- Well, he'd make me choke on a caraway seed. The very mention of his name makes my--

MOLLY:

Ahh! You see? You are jealous. I never saw such a--

SOUND:

DOORBELL

MOLLY:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MOLLY:

Oh, hello, Mrs. Uppington.

MRS. U:

Oh, how do you do, my dear? And Mr. McGee.

FIBBER:

Hi, Uppy. Come on in out of the rain.

MRS. U:

Oh, it's not raining, Mr. McGee.

FIBBER:

It ain't? I'd 'a' swore I saw a big drip in the doorway. ... Well, come on in, anyway.

MRS. U:

Er, thank you.

MOLLY:

Have a hunk of candy, Abigail? Sweets to the sweet, you know.

FIBBER:

In this case, a chocolate-covered dill pickle might be more appropriate--

MOLLY:

McGee! ... Have one, Abigail?

MRS. U:

Oh, thank you, no, my dear. No candy for me. I must keep my weight down, you know.

FIBBER:

And you're doin' swell at it, too, Uppy.

MRS. U:

Oh, you think so, Mr. McGee?

FIBBER:

I sure do. Why, what'd I just tell you just this morning, Molly?

MOLLY:

Well, he said, "Isn't it wonderful how Mrs. Uppington keeps her figure?"

MRS. U:

Oh, now really.

MOLLY:

And I said, "It certainly is."

MRS. U:

Well, I flatter myself--

FIBBER:

And then I said, "Yes! But why anyone would want to keep a figure like that is beyond me."

MRS. U:

Mr. McGee! ... Please. I prefer not to speak of my, uh, dimensions.

FIBBER:

Okay, Uppy. If you say so. They're unspeakable. (CRACKS UP AT HIS OWN JOKE)

MRS. U:

I-- What? What?

MOLLY:

He just means that if you prefer not to mention your weight, it's unmentionable.

MRS. U:

Oh, I see. Well, I just stopped by, Mrs. McGee, to show you my new bracelet. See?

MOLLY:

Heavenly days! Abigail, is this really yours?

FIBBER:

Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Don't tell me that's genuine, Uppy.

MRS. U:

Indeed it is, Mr. McGee.

FIBBER:

Wow.

MRS. U:

Oh, I spent more for it than I should, possibly, but this is the sort of thing that will become a valuable heirloom, you know.

MOLLY:

Well, you'd better be careful, Abigail. You don't let it lay around the house, do you?

MRS. U:

Oh, no, my dear. In fact, I'm on my way to the bank right now to put it in the vault.

FIBBER:

Well, I should hope so. That thing is practically irreplaceable.

MOLLY:

Yes.

MRS. U:

Of course it is. Oh, I just adore it. I'm such a happy, happy girl -- to own a genuine solid rubber band! Well, good night!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

POP VERSION OF A COUNTRY TUNE BEGINS ... CONTINUES IN BG

WILCOX:

The King's Men sing "Don't Tetch It."

KING'S MEN:

(SING) When I was just a tiny tot, down in Tennessee
I kept my mammy on the spot, a-lookin' after me
I fooled with this and fooled with that, messin' 'round about
And when I grabbed my pappy's hat, mammy dear would shout,

Don't tetch it! Better leave it alone!
Don't tetch it! Hey, hey!
You'll catch it -- when pappy gets home
If you don't mind what I say.

When pappy missed his Sunday hat, down in Tennessee
He'd fuss and fuss and cuss and cuss, and start to look for me
Then pretty soon I'd have a date, in the old woodshed
And with remorse I'd meditate on what my mammy said,

Don't tetch it! Can't you leave it alone?
Don't tetch it! Nay, nay!
You'll catch it -- as sho' as you're born
If you don't mind what I say.

One day I went with pappy downtown to buy a shoe
He said 'twas good for any man to have a sip of brew
But when he went to take a nip, we heard an awful roar
We turned around, there was mammy shoutin' through the door,

Don't tetch it! Can't you leave it alone?
Don't tetch it! Nay, nay!
You'll catch it -- as sho' as you're born
If you don't mind what I say.

How happy were my childhood days, down in Tennessee
The dear old-fashioned country ways still appeal to me
I'd gladly be a boy again to mess around about
I'd step on pappy's derby just to hear my mammy shout,

Don't tetch it! Better leave it alone!
Don't tetch it! Hey, hey!
You'll catch it -- when pappy gets home
If you don't mind what I say.
If you don't mind what I say.

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MOLLY:

Here, have some candy, McGee. Help yourself to all you want.

FIBBER:

(GROANS) Ohhhh.

MOLLY:

Any man who remembers his wife like this for Valentine's Day deserves anything he can get.

FIBBER:

I wish you'd quit sayin' that, Molly.

MOLLY:

Why, for goodness sake? You did send it to me, didn't ya?

FIBBER:

(FORCED LAUGH) Who'd you suppose sent it?

MOLLY:

Well, then, don't be so modest. You certainly have changed since we were married.

FIBBER:

I have? How so?

MOLLY:

Oh, when we were goin' together, and you'd send a box of Turkish Delights or a Tootsie Roll, you kept reminding me of it for weeks. ... You'd say, "How 'bout a kiss, baby?" And I'd say, "No. Not now." And then you'd pout and say, "Okay, no more saltwater taffy for you." And then I'd say--

SOUND:

DOORBELL

FIBBER:

Oh, now-- Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

WIMPLE:

Hello, folks.

MOLLY:

Oh, hello, Mr. Wimple.

FIBBER:

Hi, Wimp, old man. How's everything?

WIMPLE:

Oh, just peachy, Mr. McGee.

MOLLY:

Well, you're looking very well, Mr. Wimple. Is your wife away?

WIMPLE:

No. But Sweetie Face has been very busy with the new women's ambulance unit, Mrs. McGee.

FIBBER:

The ambulance unit, eh?

WIMPLE:

Yes.

FIBBER:

She a nurse or a driver, Wimple?

WIMPLE:

Neither one, Mr. McGee. She holds up the ambulance while the other girls crawl under it and make repairs.

MOLLY:

Well, your wife is very strong, isn't she, Mr. Wimple?

WIMPLE:

Indeed, she is. ... Why, do you know, I've seen her tie a bow knot in a steel crowbar.

FIBBER:

Gee, really?

WIMPLE:

Yes sirree.

FIBBER:

Wow.

WIMPLE:

I don't mind telling you I had a terrible time getting it off, too. ... My neck was sore for weeks.

FIBBER:

Well, there's one thing about your married life, Wimp. You never know what's coming next.

WIMPLE:

Yes, that's something to be thankful for, isn't it? But I really owe a lot to Sweetie Face.

FIBBER:

Yeah.

WIMPLE:

She's made me what I am today.

MOLLY:

Aww. And what is that?

WIMPLE:

Ho ho! Come, let's not get clinical, Mrs. McGee.

FIBBER:

Well, bring her over sometime, Wimp. I'll get four flat irons and we'll play Pease Porridge Hot.

WIMPLE:

Oh, I just can't get her to go out anywhere socially, Mr. McGee. She says she'd rather stay home with her artwork.

MOLLY:

Oh? Artwork? Does she paint, too?

WIMPLE:

Oh, indeed she does. She did a wonderful painting of two moonshiners working down in the Kentucky hills.

MOLLY:

Oh.

FIBBER:

What'd she call it?

WIMPLE:

Uh, "Still Life." ... I'll never forget the time I asked her to paint me.

MOLLY:

And did she do it?

WIMPLE:

In a way she did, Mrs. McGee. She gave me a beautiful shellacking.

MOLLY:

I suppose she was just bein' playful.

WIMPLE:

Of course, of course. She has a grand sense of humor. One day I said to her, "Sweetie Face, let's not play so rough." And she said, "All right, Wallace, let's play Bean Bag." And I said, "Oh, dandy!" And then, everything went black. ... My - my goodness, I - I never knew beans came in five hundred pound bags. ... Well, good night.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

Hey, we never offered Wimple any candy.

MOLLY:

Well, it's probably just as well. One Sweetie Face in the family ought to be plenty. The poor fella!

FIBBER:

Yeah, the way he gets pushed around, he musta come from a long line of wheelbarrows.

MOLLY:

(GIGGLES)

FIBBER:

He's--

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

MOLLY:

I'll get it, McGee.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

MOLLY:

(INTO PHONE) 79 Wistful Vista, Molly McGee speakin'. -- Who? -- Oh, hello, Mr. Wilcox.

FIBBER:

Wilcox! Hey, let me take it, Molly!

MOLLY:

Be quiet, McGee, I can't hear. (INTO PHONE) What was it, Mr. Wilcox?

FIBBER:

Molly, that's an important call. I've been expecting it--

MOLLY:

Hush, dearie, I can't hear a word he's saying. (INTO PHONE) What'd you say, Mr. Wilcox?

FIBBER:

But, I--

MOLLY:

(INTO PHONE) Yes, I'll be glad to take the message.

FIBBER:

(GROANS, TO HIMSELF) Ohhhhhhhhh. Now I am sunk.

MOLLY:

(INTO PHONE) Yes. Yes.

FIBBER:

(GROANS, TO HIMSELF) Ohhhhh.

MOLLY:

(INTO PHONE) All right.

FIBBER:

(MUMBLES TO HIMSELF)

MOLLY:

(INTO PHONE) Yes. Yes, I'll tell him, Mr. Wilcox. -- Well, thank you for calling. Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

MOLLY:

McGee?

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

What on earth goes on, anyway?

FIBBER:

(SIGHS) Well, I might as well admit the whole thing, Molly. I - I never felt right about it anyway.

MOLLY:

'Bout what?

FIBBER:

About the-- Hey, wait a minute. What did Wilcox say?

MOLLY:

Well, he said to give you this message and you'd understand.

FIBBER:

Yeah?

MOLLY:

He said, (READS SLOWLY) "Elks Club. Punchboard. Two weeks ago. Deliver this week."

FIBBER:

(LONG PAUSE, MUMBLING MESSAGE TO HIMSELF, FINALLY REALIZES) Whoooooooaaaaaaa! (LAUGHS HARD) Ah! So that was it! Ha! Now I remember! Ho! Oh, boy, is that a load off my mind! (LAUGHS)

MOLLY:

Is what a load off your mind?

FIBBER:

Aw, it wouldn't interest you, Molly.

MOLLY:

But it would, McGee.

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

You were interested enough in me to send me this lovely candy, and I'm interested in your affairs, too, dear.

FIBBER:

Okay, I'll tell ya. You see, the Elks wanted me to act as Chairman of the Boxing Committee a couple o' weeks ago.

MOLLY:

Yes?

FIBBER:

I said I'd think it over. So I delivered my acceptance today. (CHUCKLES) Simple, ain't it?

MOLLY:

But what's this about a punchboard?

FIBBER:

Oh, that. (LAUGHS) That's what we fellas call the Boxing Committee -- the Punch Board.

MOLLY:

Oh.

FIBBER:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Hand me a piece of that candy, will ya, Molly? (LAUGHS) Give me two pieces. Give me a handful!

MUSIC:

FOR A FINISH ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WILCOX:

Most of us today have our weather eye out for worthwhile economies -- places where we can make one dollar do the work of two. One way you can accomplish that same thing is by taking better care of what you have and saving on replacements. Protect your floors, for example, and save money on costly refinishing by polishing them regularly with genuine Johnson's Wax. The coat of wax acts as a shield against both dirt and wear. It's easily applied and can be touched up or renewed as often as necessary. The result is not only money-saving protection but greater beauty for your entire home and less work for you. You can use that same Johnson's Wax to protect and beautify your furniture and woodwork, your window sills, Venetian blinds, shoes, luggage, refrigerator. If you do this, you'll be practicing what housekeeping authorities call "protective housekeeping." Johnson's Wax is now available in three forms -- paste, liquid, and cream wax.

MUSIC:

UP ... FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN IN BG

FIBBER:

Sorry, folks, our time's up. Good night.

MOLLY:

Good night, all.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... UP, FOR A FINISH ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

This is Harlow Wilcox, speaking for the makers of Johnson's Wax Finishes for home and industry, inviting you all to be with us again next Tuesday night. Good night.

MUSIC:

FADES OUT

NBC ANNCR:

Let me remind you again to clean and polish your car with Johnson's Car-Nu, the new labor-saver that does two jobs at the same time, both cleans and polishes in one application. Car-Nu, made by the makers of Johnson's Wax, gives your car back its original showroom shine, increases your driving pleasure. Thousands of car owners have learned to say, "Your car looks like new when you use Car-Nu." Don't put it off. Buy a can of Johnson's Car-Nu this week. Spelled "C-A-R-N-U." This program came to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES